[M2TW AAR] Arabian Nights 2 - Ottoman Nights - A Wind from the East

[Antwerpen]

1917 AD. Egypt.

English Soldier 1: Shall we go and have some tea, my good chap?
English Soldier 2: My, yes! I have dreamed of it the whole bloody day!
English Soldier 1: Then let's go to the outpost and have some tea!
English Soldier 2: But aren't we on frontier, chap?
English Soldier 1: That has nothing to do with tea, my good sir!
English Soldier 2: Besides, I've lost my best tea-cup wrapping paper!
English Soldier 1: B*llocks!
English Soldier 2: Indeed, chap. I have nothing to wrap my cup into after we finish the tea.
English Soldier 1: Hey, there is a nice paper on the sand! You can use it as a wrapping paper!
English Soldier 2: Golly! That is some great idea, chap!
English Soldier 1: Wait, chap, there is something written in there!
English Soldier 2: Let me see, my good sir!

*Suddenly a portal appears and a strange figure comes out and falls on the sand*

English Soldier 1: We must help that chap!
English Soldier 2: Wait! It is a medieval knight with a bloody cat's head!
English Soldier 1: Golly!
Non-cat: The paper...Give me the paper...

*English soldier 1 takes a glance on the paper. It's written "THE NON-CAT'S ULTIMATE HEALING SPELL" in there.*

English Soldier 1: How can I know that this is yours?
Non-cat: I...I am...the Non-cat....
English Soldier 1: How can you prove it?
Non-cat: I..I..am dy-dying...
English Soldier 1: That's sad, my good man.
Non-cat: Curse you...CURSE YOU! gasp!

*Non-cat dies*

English Soldier 1: That wierd cathead cursed us?
English Soldier 2: Yep. I hope he doesn't twist the history with the curse.
English Soldier 1: Hope so.
English Soldier 2: My protestant God, we are stereotypical English! We must use full sentences with subject, object and verb!
English Soldier 1: Alright, alright.
English Soldier 2: By the way, what's wrong with that whirling energy spiral?
English Soldier 1: I don't know. It's moving in our direction, I guess.
English Soldier 2: Suppose.
English Soldier 1: What?
English Soldier 2: "Suppose", not "guess". We're English.
English Soldier 1: Oh shut up!
English Soldier 2: Is it a quake or I drank too little tea?
English Soldier 1: It's really a quake.
English Soldier 2: Oh no.

*total chaos*

English Soldier 1: My teacup!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

1453 AD. Yerevan, Eastern Anatolia. Ottoman domain.



Mongol General 1: Hey guys! I see a city! How about charging in, raping their women, killing their men and pillaging their buildings?
Mongol General 2: Nah.
Mongol General 3: Not in the mood.
Mongol General 1: Uhm...how about raping their buildings, killing their women and pillaging their men then?
Mongol General 2: That sounds better.
Mongol General 1: Alright then, mount the horses and we will cha-
Mongol General 3: WHAT? WE HAVE TO MOUNT THE HORSES?! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

*Mongol General 3 rebels, as seen in the picture above*

Mongol General 1: Okay, even without that weirdo, we still can them up badly. We have pointed sticks!
Mongol General 2: Yeah, a reference to Monty Python is always awesome, but really, they have some sticks too.
Mongol General 1: Pointed?
Mongol General 2: Nope, firing pieces of metal.
Mongol General 1: But they are pointed, right?
Mongol General 2: *facepalm* No, they are not.
Mongol General 1: Dang, they're disarmed! That will be a piece of cake.
Mongol General 2: Cake is the official trademark of another AAR here on the TWC.
Mongol General 1: But the wordfilter does not allow me to say "piece of " either.
Mongol General 2: I guess we just charge in and try not to get a piece of metal up our bottoms.
Mongol General 1: Keshkelmesh.
Mongol General 2: What?
Mongol General 1: "Keshkelmesh", not "guess". We're stereotypical Mongols, we should speak Mongolian.
Mongol General 2: But that word isn't even Mongolian?
Mongol General 1: Do you keshkelmesh I speak Mongolian?
Mongol General 2: Pardon?
Mongol General 1: I say, do you think I speak Mongolian?
Mongol General 2: But you said "keshkelmesh" means "to guess"...
Mongol General 1: Do we really have to discuss it now?

And so the brave Mongolian warriors advanced to the city of Yerevan, where the Ottoman general was waiting for them. Actually, he was not, as the Mongols were late for 200 years. Oh God damn the evil Non-cat and his curse!

END OF CHAPTER 1.

[Commander5xl]

Rofl amazing Xomiak now i got another AAR i can reference in mine

[Jynx]

Yay! Comedy Time!

[Antwerpen]

CHAPTER 2. BATTLE OF YEREVAN.

1499 AD (Yes, I know that 46 years passed from the beginning. But I didn't want to declare war first, so I waited for the Mongolian attack.)

And so, the governor of Yerevan (yep, that Ottoman general from the first chapter) Selim Al-Rashid, currently known as Selim the Builder because he did a major building job, began army mobilization.. But that name is not kind of name for a l33t pwnz0re which he will become, so I'll call him Selim Al-Rashid. And so do you, my dear readers, or you will wake up decapitated tomorrow.

Selim Al-Rashid: Okay, guys, I heard Mongols are coming?
Advisor: Yes, they are.
Selim Al-Rashid: I knew it. That's good I have a plan.
Advisor: A plan?
Selim Al-Rashid: Yes, a plan.
Advisor: What plan?
Selim Al-Rashid: A genius one.
Advisor: So what should we do?
Selim Al-Rashid: Act like it is in the plan.
Advisor: God damnit, how many questions do I have to ask to hear your damn plan?!
Selim Al-Rashid: Allah.
Advisor: What?
Selim Al-Rashid: Allah damnit, not God damnit. We're stereotypical medieval Muslims, we cannot say "God".
Advisor: Okay.
Selim Al-Rashid: No, it's not. You see, nowadays we can see advisors as the main comedy characters in almost every AAR. This sucks.
Advisor: What do you suggest?
Selim Al-Rashid: You are fired.
Ex-Advisor: WHAT?!
Selim Al-Rashid: Yes, I have a new advisor.
Ex-Advisor: Oh really?
Selim Al-Rashid: Yes, here he is. Meet your new boss, Advisor Jàn Îtor.
Ex-Advisor: Oh. And why is he dressed like a janitor?
Selim Al-Rashid: Eh...Some kind of fetish?
Jàn Îtor: I need to mop the floor.
Ex-Advisor: I knew it is the janitor.
Selim Al-Rashid: Okay, you won this one. You are the advisor again.
Advisor: So, the readers are probably very bored by our stupid jokes by now. Go on and show us the plan.
Selim Al-Rashid: Alright, here is it.



Advisor: You truly are a genius! The troops will hide in the buildings and when the Mongols fall for the unguarded plaza, the warriors will jump out of the buildings and surround the Mongol troops!
Selim Al-Rashid: Yes!
Advisor: And then we will attack themfrom every direction!
Selim Al-Rashid: Verbally!
Advisor: What?
Selim Al-Rashid: I said verbally.
Advisor: Wha-what do you mean?! Aren't we going to attack them?
Selim Al-Rashid: For Allah's sake, no! We will pop out of the windows and shout insults and racial slurs!
Advisor: ...
Selim Al-Rashid: That will be cool! Their power is their supremacy when mounted. And they can't enter building on horses, the doors are too low! Hee-hee-hee!


SOME TIME LATER


Mongol General: Surrender, mighty rulers of the noble Ottoman Empire! Give up and we will let you go!
Selim Al-Rashid: Screw you, barbarian!
Mongol General: Sir, that was very ignorant! We are not barbarians, as we are equal to you!
Selim Al-Rashid: I fart in your face!
Mongol General: Sir, it is quite impossible, as my face is too far away from your bottom and the winds are pretty rough in the mountains of Eastern Anatolian and Southern Caucasus so the gases coming out of the end of your rectum have no possibility to reach-
Selim Al-Rashid: Shut up, you nosey licker of horses's arses!
Mongol General: Sir, that is unacceptable! Please stop talking nonsence!
Selim Al-Rashid: What will you do, stupid Mongolian?! Lick your horse's arse and then kiss me, you gay arrow-eater! Go drink some rotten goat milk!
Mongol General: Sir, you are forcing me to attack you!
Selim Al-Rashid: Bring it on, son of a silly person who enjoyed peeing in his own mouth!
Advisor: Do you think this will work.
Selim Al-Rashid: Come on, you can count on me.
Mongol General: Sit, I have to state that you ar-
Selim Al-Rashid: Siiiiiar, Aih blahblahblahblahblahblah haf toa steat yuu ur blahblahblah! Come on, chicken, are you going to attack us or what?
Mongol General: As you wish.



Advisor: Oh . We're screwed.
Selim Al-Rashid: No need to worry. That's not on my plan, but I know what can help us. Diplomacy!

-------------------------------------------------------

Mongol Heir Djebe the Tyrant: What do you want, you arrogant mean general?
You came to ask for peace? Our attack is a matter of honour, we don't want war so if you apologize and offer peace, we will gladly acce-
Selim Al-Rashid: Hey! You are Djebe, right?
Djebe the Tyrant: Yes, migthy lord. What does it have to do with-
Selim Al-Rashid: Rhymes with betch!
Djebe the Tyrant: No, it's not!
Selim Al-Rashid: Well that doesn't help you from being a one!

Advisor: So? Did it help?
Selim Al-Rashid: Yep. Tell the army to hide into the houses.

-----------------------------------------------------------

SOME OTHER TIME LATER.

Selim Al-Rashid: Place the bombard near the gates and shoot the hell out of those barbarians! Heck, my favourite bar! I meant place it near the gates outside of the walls!



Selim Al-Rashid: Good. They're screwed.



Selim Al-Rashid: ...
Advisor: ...





Advisor: Oh Allah! They are inside!
Selim Al-Rashid: Calm down, these pretty cool guys with scimitars will own them.



Djebe: Sir, we are taking casualties! I suppose we should sign a peace tre-





Selim Al-Rashid: Pretty cool, eh? One guy left. Look! Here comes the other one!



Selim Al-Rashid: Now we have to get rid of the remnants.







Selim Al-Rashid: See? I was right!
Advisor: Yeah, whatever. There are still 6 armies left.
Selim Al-Rashid: Oh come on! I won a heroic victory!

END OF CHAPTER 2.

[Sargon_of_Akkad]

Great stuff! I love the "pretty cool guys with scimitars". Made me think of a warlike Fonz.

[Pink Beard]

nice AAR (or actually continueing of...), made me smile

[Raidon_the_Hun]

CHAPTER 2. BATTLE OF YEREVAN.


Selim Al-Rashid: Place the bombard near the gates and shoot the hell out of those barbarians! Heck, my favourite bar! I meant place it near the gates outside of the walls!



Selim Al-Rashid: Good. They're screwed.

I like your battle strategy

Actually monster bombards are very effective against closely packed bodies of men. Great AAR!!

[Antwerpen]

Okay guise, I'm leaving to another city for 3 days or so, so I will update on Saturday or Sunday.

[tuore]

Great! Only bad thing is still that it is in Russian... but awesome still!

[Poet]

Salah-ud-Deen;5527193]No offence, i like this movie, it's just a joke.

"Kingdom of Heaven"

Godfrey to Balien Would you be happy to know that you are an out come of adultery?

Priest Yes he says yes

Godfrey i didn't force your mother

Balien did she force you?

Godfrey leaves for jerusalem.

Priest you will go to hell

Balien first you go

Balien joins his father and his companions,

Balien and German Crusader lets play sword sword before being killed by Muslim horse archers without touching their bodies.

Balien and Godfrey meats Guy de Juselion near messina port

Guy who is he?

Godfrey My son! (thinking) i think u can also be!

Guy Fortunately i am too old to be one of yours.he he he.

Balien meets princess in palace

Princess u r result of adultry but now are a noble man would you be keep being a noble or show some ancestral guts to me Balian looks at her and said

Balian Yes and no

Balian meets King Baldwin

King these arabs say that this leper disease is God vengeance against our kingdom

Balian thinking (they are not yet aware of me ?)

King would you marry my sister if she is freed of guy?

Balian No!

King Go to your father's house in Ibelin and protect the helpless and when one day i would need your help you will protect me!

Balian Screaming- How am i supposed to protect helpless if i am a confused Blacksmith thinks himself a baron and knight?

King Do we have terms?

Balian yes i would commit adultery with you sister but not marry her !

King died but before that Balian protect the helpless princess in Ibelin by his own way. he he he

Reynald killed Salah-ud-Deen's sister and war of hattin started.

Balian to Guy according to history i should be with you for hatin but in your absence i have to protect some helpless

Cristians defeated in hatin and then Saladin attacked Jerusalem

after 3 days

meeting of Saladin and Balian

Saladin I have heared that you are out come of adultry?

Balian Yes

Saladin that justifies your adultery with history in this movie as dozens of peasants defeated and killed my trained army and "forced" me on truce.

Balian Terms?

Saladin get out of our lands before getting f----d !

Please give comments!

[Antwerpen]

Okay... what does it have to do with my abandoned AAR?