[SS AAR] 'The End of Boredom' A Hopeful Comedy *DEAD*

[Jynx]

I am starting my first AAR please give as much advice as possible as I am not very good at battles and am focusing on tactics and learning how to siege castles without losing all troops to their defences at the moment.

Enjoy

A Dark Disorganised and Dirty Beginning






Emperor Heinrich: ADVISOOR!
Advisor: Yes mein Kaiser?
Emperor Heinrich: I’m bored!
Advisor: And what do you want me to do about that mein Kaiser?
Emperor Heinrich: Well, as the emperor of the largest empire in the known world, I want to conquer somewhere!
Advisor: Since when have we been the largest empire in the known world?
Emperor Heinrich: Since now!



Advisor: Well you still know nothing of the Arts of War!
Emperor Heinrich: Where did I get these command stars then, eh?
Advisor: You were born with them and that one isn't a command star it’s your birth mark.
Emperor Heinrich: Well in that case I had better well start now then! I want the most developed castle nearby!
Advisor: That would be Bern mein Kaiser.
Emperor Heinrich: Burn, what a name, have there been any riots there recently or something?
Advisor: It’s a REBEL castle mein Kaiser! You cant get more riot than that!
Emperor Heinrich: Well assemble most of the army and besiege it! I’ll help!
Advisor: Well as an advisor I will help your tactics. Wait outside the castle and wait for them to sally out. Build a ram just in case.
Emperor Heinrich: Goody goody! My first battle!
Advisor: First mein Kaiser, take a look at the surrounding ground of it.



Advisor: Oh and a messenger came in a while ago with this message.



Emperor Heinrich: Does trade mean money?
Advisor:Yes mein Kaiser.
Emperor Heinrich: Well I Accept then.
Advisor: There is a man that you may wish to invite into the royal family as there are a few cities that need ‘keeping of the peace’ if you get my drift.



Emperor Heinrich: Yeah yeah do it you know how this place works and I’m tired so I’ll go to sleep now, Bloody hell is that the time! I can’t stay awake all night you know!

—-{The Next Year}—-

Emperor Heinrich: *YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWNNNNNNN!!!!*
Advisor: Mein Kaiser!
Emperor Heinrich: Whatwhatwhat!?!?!? Oh it’s just you. I almost spilt my coffee down me shirt then!
Advisor: We haven't discovered coffee yet mein Kaiser.
Emperor Heinrich: well what is this brown stuff then? Eh? EH?!?
Advisor: I honestly don’t know it looks a bit like water to me.
Emperor Heinrich: I didn't know the water we got out of the taps was brown!
Advisor: We haven't Invented taps yet mein Kaiser and what I came in to tell you was that the Council of Nobles would like us to conquer this place called Metz.
Emperor Heinrich: Bloody Council o’ Nobs…
Advisor: They will give us a reward of 2500 florins if we complete this task. You know. MONEY!!!!!
Emperor Heinrich: *mumble* *mutter* What? Did somebody say money?
Advisor: The reward.
Emperor Heinrich: Oh send the spy to see what is there then.



Emperor Heinrich: …
Advisor: …
Emperor Heinrich: Well that sums that up. Nope I’m sticking to BURN!!! Sorry, Bern.
Advisor: Oh and there are some more messages.



Emperor Heinrich: MONEY!!! YES!
Advisor: And an alliance would be preferable.
Emperor Heinrich: Okay



Advisor: There is a message.



Emperor Heinrich: I know I just signed that bloody thing.
Advisor: And some good news.



Emperor Heinrich: Good. My feet are saved.

—-{Next Year Like In 1083 AD}—-

Emperor Heinrich: Ok I think I am ready to go to this BURN!!! Sorry Bern now.
Advisor: Remember the tactics.
Emperor Heinrich: What tactics?
Advisor: Wait outside the castle and wait for them to sally out. Build a ram just in case.
Emperor Heinrich: Oh that yup I’m ready to go.

—-{A Few Months But Not A Turn Later}—-

Emperor Heinrich: Urrrrgh!
Advisor: Mein Kaiser! There is a message for you!



Emperor Heinrich: I BL00DY KNOW THAT I AM THROWING UP BECAUSE OF IT GOD D@*N YOU POSTER BOYS SOME DAY I AM GOING TO KILLYOUUUUUU!!!!!
Advisor: Calm down mein Kaiser. There is something that you should see



Emperor Heinrich: EXILE HIM! MAKE HIM ATTACK A SINGLE SETTLEMENT ON HIS OWN THAT WILL SHOW HIM TO BE A REBEL!!!!! I AM NOT HAVING A GOOD DAY!!!!!
Advisor: Also we have started to besiege this settlement.
Emperor Heinrich: I am having second thoughts about this with this scurvy thing.



Emperor Heinrich: What army am I attacking it with?



Emperor Heinrich: Good. We have almost a full stack. We cannot lose.





So what should I do?

A] Proceed with the Advisor’s tactic.
B] Withdraw for Heinrich to recover from scurvy.
C] Let only Heinrich withdraw and proceed with the advisors tactic
D] Another tactic altogether. My army is mainly spearmen and peasant archers so it is pretty crap.
E] Withdraw and attack Metz

Thank You in advance.

[Stephan]

great
but I don´t really know what you mean with my Reich it means my empire
maybe you want to say my emperor/king that would be "mein Kaiser"

[karo]

Great AAR lol
And I say attack burn!!!!!!!!

[Jynx]

oops sorry I dont speak german I will just edit it so it says kaiser

Oh and I bet that I will fail if I attack Bern. Does anyone have tactics to share with me? it would be pretty bad if I fail. I will post screenies of the battle.
I might have the next update today or, unless I have tonnes of homework, tomorrow

[Biggles]

Weeeell....I suggest you besiege BURN/Bern and just wait. After X turns they'll give up,or sally forth to fight. As far as I can understand, you outnumber the rebels quite heavily, so unless they have some really good troops, I see no real problem.


Woopsie, lol, I guess You'd already done your race then^^

[Jynx]

Update 2 BURN!!! I mean Bern...


Emperor Heinrich: Okay rebels, here I come!
Advisor: Wait a minute mein Kaiser!
Emperor Heinrich: What now?
Advisor: There is another noble born boy who we should invite into the royal family!



Emperor Heinrich: Okay this is your area Advisor.
Advisor: And a messenger has come with terrible news!



Emperor Heinrich: Not for long! Hahahahaha!
Advisor: Hahahahaha!
Emperor Heinrich: On to the battlefield!
Advisor: But first you shall see this rebel general of ours start to besiege this other castle!



Emperor Heinrich: HAHAHAHAHA! He will either die or win us the castle! It is a win:win situation!
Advisor: Well thought out mein Kaiser!
Emperor Heinrich: On to the battlefield!
Advisor: But mein Kaiser! This is a CASTLE! We only have PEASANTS! The defences themselves will CRUSH us! We should wait for them to SALLY!
Emperor Heinrich: I don't care. We are low on supplies our selves and I have scurvy. We are going to BURN!!! Sorry, Bern! Otto you are coming too O Quiet One.
Otto: Eh? Oh. Bern.
Emperor Heinrich: It’s his first words!!! My wife will be so pleased!!!!!
Advisor: He is 24 mein Kaiser! It says so here!



Emperor Heinrich: I don’t care! These are still his first words! Have you heard him speak before?
Advisor: No…
Emperor Heinrich: There you are then! Anyway, let’s go to Bern, you too advisor, you are one of my Bodyguard!
Advisor: Damn!
Emperor Heinrich: TO BERN!!!!!






The Battle of Bern

Emperor Heinrich: Okay here we come!
Otto: Heh, heh, heh!
Emperor Heinrich: What is so funny Otto?
Otto: You are wearing your helmet on the wrong way round.
Emperor Heinrich: Grr! insolent youth!
*Picks up his sword*
Emperor Heinrich: Ouch!
Otto: You picked up your sword by the wrong end Dad! Pfff!
*Falls off horse laughing*
Emperor Heinrich: Oh shut up. There, all fixed. Now, what does the battlefield look like?
Advisor: An artist has just finished his painting from the mountain side.



Emperor Heinrich: Where are the plans?
Advisor: He was just an artist, not a military commander mein Kaiser! Here I will draw them on.



Emperor Heinrich: Com-pli-ca-ted how will we order that to happen?
Advisor: Like this:



Emperor Heinrich: Bloody helpful artist if you ask me!
Advisor: She sure can draw fast.
Emperor Heinrich: She?
Advisor: Why not? Her name is Caméera.
Emperor Heinrich: I thought women were supposed to sit at home and knit?

*note from me* this isn’t what I think. Remember, this was an emperor in the 11th century not a modern day politician.*

Advisor: They normally do but she got bored
Emperor Heinrich: Sounds reasonable to me.
Advisor: Come on lets get started. We are in the middle of a battle remember.
Emperor Heinrich: AAAUUGH!!!!!
Advisor: What?
Emperor Heinrich: I think you had better see this! It’s a little far away…



Emperor Heinrich: Oh! Thanks Caméera!
Advisor: Wow! Where did he get his hands on two spears?
Emperor Heinrich: I don't know. The fact that his helmet looks like two of them melted together is what scared me! Wow! Nice balancing act!



Advisor: Impressive! But! Ooh it looks like a fight there!



Emperor Heinrich: Nasty! Somebody could get hurt there!
Advisor: NEVER! IT’S A BLOODY WAR OF COURSE SOMEBODY IS GOING TO GET HURT!!!
Emperor Heinrich: Oh dear I think I should write a message to point out the problem in this picture.
Advisor: Caméera calls them photos.
Emperor Heinrich: Photo then. Anyway I have written the message on it. Wanna look?



Emperor Heinrich: Look at those. They must be scared preferring to run up a 35 degree slope like that instead of fight!



Advisor: We haven't invented degrees yet.
Emperor Heinrich: SHUT UP!!!
Advisor: Okay okay… mein Kaiser…
Emperor Heinrich: Lets get a bit more involved. Im getting bored standing back here.
Advisor: Good idea!
Emperor Heinrich: We haven't invented ideas yet.
Advisor: Yes we have.
Emperor Heinrich: CHARRRGE!!!!!





Advisor: Help me!
Emperor Heinrich: Hey are you sure this is allowed in the Health and Safety Law?
Advisor: There isn’t a Health and Safety Law…
Emperor Heinrich: There is now. And CHARRRGE AGAIN!!!!!



Emperor Heinrich: Archers, RAIN DOWN HELL!!!!!



Emperor Heinrich: CHARRRGE!!!!!
Advisor: At what mein Kaiser?



Emperor Heinrich: Eh? Oh. We’ve won. THREE CHEERS FOR US! HIP HIP!!
Soldiers: HOORAY!!!
Emperor Heinrich: HIP HIP!!
Soldiers: HOORAY!!!
Emperor Heinrich: AND ONE FOR LUCK, HIP HIP!!
Soldiers: HOORAY!!!



Advisor: Mein Kaiser! Many of our men perished in our last battle! What of Metz?
Emperor Heinrich: Well at least I won…
Advisor: It’s progress at least.
Emperor Heinrich: Yeah. Oi! WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!?
Advisor: Nothing mein Kaiser.







So what should I do next?

A] Wait at Bern for reinforcements and use the castle to help the army.
B] Wait at Staufen for reinforcements and then march on Metz.
C] ASSEMBLE THE ARMY OUTSIDE METZ AND ATTACK!!!!!

Thank You in advance.

*I am not a politician

[karo]

If you have enough time wait at Bern for reinforcement or else gather some mercenary and move against Metz and than chill and build the country lol

[Jynx]

They had Men At Arms and Crossbowmen and I had a best Spear Militia, Peasant Archers, 1 unit of Hobiliars, Emperor Heinrich, Advisor, the rest of his Bodyguard and Otto with his Bodyguard

You can tell how good each of their troops were compared to mine in the battle deployment scroll

P.S. Advisor is a member of Heinrich's Bodyguard

[Biggles]

Wow...okay...hehe, now then...my suggestion is...build up your nation. Make sure you can get as much money as possible in the shortest time. Try to improve your army, shouldn't be too hard with Bern under your rule. Obviosuly, stay out of war against any other factions. When you have a better army, look west.

[Jynx]

Well Heinrich is easily persuaded to build up the country because he likes MONEY and he wants to take Metz because he likes MONEY and I can easily do both. Remember, I am allied to Hungary so it's Metz, Poland and, if they get in my way, Denmark. The Prince is in Bologna and the Italians are really p!$$!ng him off as they don't speak German or English.

My next Update will be on Wednesday At the latest (As I go bowling on Tuesday) Or, if i don't have any homework, Tomorrow.

[Musthavename]

Impressive start, hoping for more of the same! +rep

As for what you should do, it just depends on your own battle skills. Also remember, if it's a comedy AAR, losing a battle doesn't matter too much, aslong as you make people laugh while you're losing!

[Jynx]

Thanks for your advice Musthavename. I have read all of your AARs btw

My next Update is coming within the next hour!

[Jynx]

Update 3 The GIANT GREEN DRAGON THING

Emperor Heinrich: I think that now I have won, we should go to Metz and attack before those French nick it.
Advisor: Attach Metz with what mein Kaiser? We lost most of our army defeating those rebels at Bern.
Emperor Heinrich: I didn't use the whole army.
Advisor: I guess not. After all, those who routed in the battle have returned.
Emperor Heinrich: Have they now? I think that they should be... EXECUTED IMMEDIATELY!!!!!
Advisor: Not a good idea mein Kaiser. If we lose them, we have a much smaller army to attack Metz with.
Emperor Heinrich: Okay, spare them. I will regroup the army and shoot those rebellious French rebels at Metz.
Advisor: Shoot?
Emperor Heinrich: YES SHOOT! WITH A GUN!!!
Advisor: We haven’t invented guns yet mein Kaiser.
Emperor Heinrich: SHUT UP OR YOU WILL BE EXECUTED!!!!!
Advisor: Okay okay keep your hair on…
Emperor Heinrich: You are so annoying…
Advsor: By the way, a messenger came in with this message.



Emperor Heinrich: MORE MONEY!!! YES!!!!!
Advisor: And, shall we see how this rebellious son of yours is getting on with that castle?
Emperor Heinrich: Heh heh heh…



Emperor Heinrich: Hah! He doesn’t stand a chance!
Advisor: This will be a lesson to all people whom don’t bow down to you mein Kaiser!
Emperor Heinrich: Mwahahahahahaha!!!!!



Advisor: He was a pillock to think about disobeying you mein Kaiser!
Emperor Heinrich: DEATH TO ALL REBELS!!!!!



Advisor: He is being PWNED!!!!!
Emperor Heinrich: This is the best entertainment of all looking at these set of Caméera’s drawings!



Advisor: He cannot survive this! If he does he is a Saint!



Advisor: Nope. Not a Saint…



Emperor Heinrich: Bumbumbumbumbuuum (getting higher each time apart from the last bum that gets one lower) I’m Lovin’ It!!!!!
Advsor: What was that supposed to be?!?
Emperor Heinrich: It is McDonalds tune!
Advisor: McDonalds doesn’t exit yet mein Kaiser.
Emperor Heinrich: SHUT UP! IF I SAY SOMETHING THAT HASN’T BEEN INVENTED YET, INVENT IT!!!!!
Advisor: Oh and your prediction of the country size was correct mein Kaiser.



Emperor Heinrich: Yes, that is good news. No annoying remarks please.
Advisor: Okay if you wish mein Kaiser. And there is a ‘Boring Graph’ ready for you to see mein Kaiser.
Emperor Heinrich: *Groan* Okayyyyyyy…













Emperor Heinrich: That was boring wasn’t it.
Advisor: I said so didn’t I?
Emperor Heinrich: I SAID NO ANNOYING REMARKS!!!
Advisor: That wasn’t annoying…
Emperor Heinrich: YOU DID IT AGAIN!!!!!
Advisor: Sorry mein Kaiser. There is something that you may wish to see to…



Emperor Heinrich: YET MORE MONEY!!! YESYESYESYESYESYESYES!!!!!

—-{2 Turns Later}—-

Advisor: We have assembled at our capital mein Kaiser.
Emperor Heinrich: Good! Lets move on, TO METZ!!!
Soldiers: TO METZ!!!!!



Advisor: There are some messages that you may like to see to mein Kaiser.



Emperor Heinrich: Okaayy… but I am getting a bit pissed off with these administrative people…



Emperor Heinrich: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! P!$S OFF!!!



Advisor: We are at Metz mein Kaiser. And there is a message for you.



Emperor Heinrich: YET MORE MONEY!!! I ACCEPT!!!!!



Emperor Heinrich: At last a Military Minded one. Come on then.
Advisor: The French are here to take Metz! We should commence this battle quickly!



Emperor Heinrich: Good, is Caméera here?
Advisor: Yes. She has drawn her first picture of this battle.



Emperor Heinrich: Okay. The peasants have almost broken down the gates. Caméera should draw a nice picture of the gates breaking open!
Advisor: We have a message for you!
Emperor Heinrich: Okay but why have our men decided to run away so suddenly?
Advisor: This should explain things!



Emperor Heinrich: AAAAUUGH!!!!! GIANT GREEEN DRAGON THING!!!!! RETREAT!!!!!!!!!!







Well, Emperor Heinrich has been defeated by the GIANT GREEN DRAGON THING and the French will most probably take Metz so should I:

1] Defeat the remaining rebels to the East
2] Hope that the French will be scared by the GIANT GREEN DRAGON THING as well and take on Metz again
3] DECLARE WAR ON THE FRENCH!

[Biggles]

I say 1. Build up your nation to the East. France is one helluva bugger to fight against if you don't have the right troops.

[bomberboy]

Good AAR. I suggest 1 as well.

[platinumkiller]

lol haha last part was funny! nice aar i think your should do1 and be ready if the french attack the west

[magraev]

What happened at Metz? Your only ram burned up or what?

[Eien]

pretty good so far XD GREEN THINGY

[TheTrueGreek]

do 1. but keep an eye on the French in case they lose to the rebels.

[Jynx]

Lol yeah, if you Ignore the stuff about the green dragon, the AAR tells you what hapened. The peasants were knocking down the gates, which explains the 149 losses, then, when I pulled my archers further back, the game said that I lost!!! No troops were routing and the time was almost full!!!!! If any1 knows about this thing, can they tell me about it?

I cannot update the AAR today but I will try tomorrow, homework dependant.