Author: Musthavename Original Thread: The Cuman Cake Confederacy The Cuman Cake Confederacy The Cuman Cake Confederacy AAR of the Month Winner - September 2008 Mod : Stainless Steel 6.1 Narrator: The Steppes were a very boring and miserable place. Literally the damn thing was so spaced out it took years to move anywhere, so the Cumans had trouble finding enough people to shoot and butcher, which made them very sad nomads. Narrator: As for the General's and family members, they were a mixed bunch of idiots & barbarians, except for one. Prince Hakki, eighteen. After having way too much to drink, he had a halucination realising his true goal in life. To get away from these godamn deserted Steppes and live on an island all day. He needed a plan to move the entire Khanate, and fast, as half his life would go before they could all meet in one place. Eventually, they all arrive at Bulgar, and he finally talked to his father, Khan Asim (for the first time ever, since before then they were just random lines of code that never interacted). Luckily for him, he had thought of a plan. Hakki: Father, we have to migrate the entire Khanate now. Asim: Why? Hakki: Because... theres magical cake in a far off place? Asim: CAKE?!?!? WHERE! WE MUST LEAVE AT ONCE! Hakki: *sniggers* Asim: Wait a second, the last time someone offered me cake it didn't go so well. Spoiler Alert, click show to read: GLaDoS: Well done for passing the final challenge where we pretended we were going to murder you. Asim: JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN CAKE! GLaDoS: Unfortunatly, I have just flooded the enrichment centre, with a deadly neurotoxin. Asim: WHAT?!?! NO!!!! QUICK! WHERES THE CAKE! I MUST SAVE IT! GLaDoS: I was going to throw a party for you, a big party that all your friends were invited to. Asim: WITH CAKE?!?!?! A PARTY WITH CAKE?!?!?! THROW IT NOW! GLaDoS: I even invited your friend companion cube, but he couldn't come because you murdered him. Asim: Did I? I only have a memory of a few minutes... Sorry... GLaDoS: And all your other friends couldn't come because you don't have any. Asim: Yes I do! GLaDoS: Who then? Asim: That bloke down the pub on Saturday. GLaDoS: The same pub you got kicked out of because no-one liked you? Because of how unlikable you are? And I thought you could only remember a few minutes... Asim: Godamnit, just give me the damn cake! GLaDoS: The cake is a lie. Asim: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Hakki: Look mate, i'm your own son, why would I lie to you? Asim: Because you absolutely hate this land and want to live on a nice tropical island everyday? Hakki: Look, its the possibility of cake versus no cake. Your call. Asim: Alright boys lets blow this joint! Narrator: So, with some Generals, some bodyguards, a bunch of random guys that lived in pubs, rode horses and shot arrows at people, three priests, a diplomat, and a spy who thought wearing a flourescent jacket was a good idea (thats what one subterfuge does for you...), they set on the road (or rather, lack of a road) to a new world. They also brought a Merchant, but he decided to go East instead, and found some nice gold reserves, got rich, invented the internet, got richer, and bought a tropical island simulator and lived happily ever after, but Hakki never knew of that. Narrator: Ofcourse, the bulk of the Cumans knew nothing about geography, and it was only by chance that they decided to go West and not East (or as they called it, Left not Right). However, they did know something about military tactics. All Cumans were trained in the art of riding a horse while running away constantly firing bows (though ofcourse, they didn't exactly know what to do after running out of arrows). Likewise, their siege tactics were basically either taunting, threatening, or hiring some random guys to knock down the gates for them with this random pot of thousands of florins they just happened to be able to conjure. Narrator: Now, as soon as Musthavename gets his new laptop, he can continue this random piece of crap he calls an AAR. So if this random text for some strange reason excites you, stay tuned for next time, when the Cumans arrive at Kiev, thirsting for blood (or cake... well, mainly cake). Oh, and for anyone reading this upon being written, August's AAR competition is up, so pop over to the forum and vote! KIEV 1100 Just a bit past tea-time Vsevold: Can't believe even Sancho of Aragon made fun of me! Bastard... Advisor: So the show & tell thing didn't go well? Vsevold: It is no matter, MUSTER THE ARMY Advisor: You mean the random spear militias you happen to have? Vsevold: YES! MUSTER THEM! Advisor: And do what? Vsevold: Err, attack somewhere? Advisor: Do you even know anywhere to attack? Vsevold: Nope... Advisor: Sometimes, I just don't get why I work for you... Vsevold: Fine, i'll just tell Boris to take his random unit and wander around aimlessly just outside Kiev. Advisor: Wait, you expect him to find another random settlement a few inches from Kiev's gates? Vsevold: Thats just what the ninjas would want us to think. Advsior: God I give up. Vsevold: Wait, haven't I been in a conversation like this somewhere before? Advisor: Meh, the writer probably just got lazy. Vsevold: At least I still have cake! Narrator: Meanwhile, a few miles outside Kiev.... Asim: LOOK MEN! A CITY! A CITY! THERE MUST BE CAKE THERE! Hakki: Look dad, let me handle this, I have a friend called Diplomacy. Asim: Very well, we shall give them a choice, CAKE OR DEATH! Vsevold: HOW DO THESE GUYS KNOW WE HAVE CAKE! DENY EVERYTHING! DENY IT ALL! Hakki: Hmmm, there must be another way... Asim: We could send in the spy to check? Hakki: The same spy who thinks wearing a floursecent jacket all day is a good idea? Asim: Well, he does have a point... Hakki: What do you mean he has a point?!!?! Asim: Well.. the guards won't be looking for people wearing bright jackets. Hakki: Lets just put him in a cart, bag him up and hope they let him through. Guard: *pokes around* Dursun: Ouch! Guard: Who the hell are you? *Dursun emerges wearing his bright jacket* Dursun: Me sir? I'm just a spy sir! Please don't hurt me sir, I mean no trouble sir! Guard: You're a spy.. Dursun: Yes sir! Guard: And you're wearing that jacket... Dursun: Yes sir! Guard: You're not a spy are you, but I can't let you in mate. I'll need to see a passport and a visa. Dursun: But i'm a spy... Guard: So? Dursun: Spies just go into places, they don't need your permition sir. Guard: Look, your not a spy! Dursun: Oh yes I am! Guard: Oh no you're not! Dursun: Oh yes I am! Guard: Oh no you're not! Dursun: Oh yes I am! Guard: Fine, you're a spy! Happy now? Dursun: Yes sir! Guard: Now I have to kill you, you know that right? Dursun: Ah crap... Fine! I'm not a spy! Guard: But thats exactly what a spy would say. Dursun: Ah crap... Asim: BLAST! Hakki: Wait! I have an actual idea! Asim: Yes? Hakki: I heard somewhere that other western generals are pretty stupid. See that single unit of spear militia outside Kiev? Asim: Well, if I attack them, they'll just run into the town. Hakki: You see, they don't think like that. Despite the fact our army is composed entirely of horse archers, Vsevold will think he outnumbers us, sally forth, and then all we have to do is shoot them to pieces. Asim: Perfect! Boris: Hah! Cavalry! All we have to do is march up there and poke them with these spears! They're sitting ducks. Spearmen: Sir. Boris: Yes peasant? Spearmen: They're firing arrows at us sir. Boris: Ahh crap.. Boris: Keep walking forward, they stand no chance if just one of us makes it! *10 seconds later* Spearmen: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! Asim: Vsevold! Where are you?!?! Vsevold: Prepare to feel the wrath of my army, composed almost entirely of cheap spear militias! You and your horse archers simply do not stand a chance! Oh, and by the way, all the cake is gone. Asim: YOU BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU! Asim: SPEARS! CRAP SPEARS! RUN AWAY! Vsevold: Hah! They're running away! Let's march slowly forward, they can't have enough arrows to kill us all. Advisor: Sir, doesn't that plan strike you as really bad? Vsevold: Why? Advisor: Well, they're on horses, they can just kite us... Vsevold: But my unit is mounted. Advisor: But you've got 30 men mounted... they've got 500... Vsevold: NONSENSE! I'VE GOT 8 COMMAND STARS YOU KNOW! Advisor: How the heck did you get that? Vsevold: I don't know, i've never even fought a battle in my life. Advisor: Hakki: Now he's come at us, CHARGE! Vsevold: Spearmen! Brace for the charge. *looks around, seeing his army 200 yards behind him* Vsevold: Ah crap... Spearmen: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! *Gets Shot by about 5 arrows at once* Militiaman: I ONLY SIGNED UP FOR THE FREE DENTAL! DAMNIT! Hakki: Man, I own at battles. Asim: What the hell do you mean? Hakki: Well, I did just beat almost 700 men losing about 40. Asim: No you didnt. Hakki: Well, who's responsible for it then? Asim: I am. Hakki: But I did everything! Asim: It's my name on the battle scroll mate, this command star's mine! Hakki: Crap... Narrator: So the Cumans had conquered Kiev, much to the joy of Sancho of Aragon, several hundred miles away, who would ofcourse be instantly informed via a handy dandy scroll. Narrator: Unfortunatly for the Cumans (and fortunatly for Asim, as this wasn't the area he hoped for), Vsevold had ordered that in the event on his death, the cake factory would be burned to the ground, via a handy dandy self destruct sequence (so it actually had an intended use for once... strangely). Narrator: As such, the Cumans decided to sack the city. They had no interest in it now that the cake factory was gone. As such, they decided to rename the city, in the hope that no other random nomads would sack the city looking for cake. Ofcourse, over a hundred years later, the Mongols would sack this very city looking for cake, but ofcourse, they couldn't understand the language. A slight oversight by the Cumans. Narrator: With the cake gone. The Cumans decided to give back the city, as they didn't want some nutters in a state of war chasing them halfway across the map. Cuman Diplomat: How about an Alliance aswell, considering we were so generous. Kievan Rus Envoy: Fine... If it means you won't sack all our cities looking for cake. Cuman Diplomat: Well, we know you don't have any cake anyway. Kievan Rus Envoy: Why's that? Cuman Diplomat: Plot device. Anyway, enjoy having NO CAKE HERE back. Narrator: Ofcourse, after arriving at the Artist city formerly known as Kiev, the Rus were in for a bit of a shock at what was left of their former jewel, considering it was Cuman practice before giving anything back to strip all the buildings down and magically convert them into weightless florins. Narrator: Ofcourse, Hakki had found something valuable in NO CAKE HERE. Maps and information. Hakki now knew that if he wanted to know what he wanted to do with the rest of his random life, he would have to travel to the queen of cities itself, Constantinople. Narrator: So the Cuman forces hired a random ship (which could magically fit about 480 men and horses), and set sail. The quest for the cake, continues. Outside Constantinople Narrator: When the Cumans landed, you'd think that the Romans would ofcourse think of their position as very worrying, with Pagan dogs at their doorstep. Ofcourse, the Romans had ofcourse seen this all before, so you could say they were sort of used to it by now. This is probably the reason that Alexius, valuing his life, decided to Govern Nicaea instead of Constantinople (coward ). Narrator: Ofcourse, Hakki only wanted information, and as such, sent a diplomat into the Roman Senate to negotiate. However, years of neglect had seen Byzantium turn into an annoying Bureaucracy that everyone else hated. The Seljuks were ofcourse already at war with the Romans before the Cumans left Kiev. Diplomat: Greetings Senators! I come representing the Great Cuman Cak... Senator: *interupting* Do you have a Senate Interuption Form? Diplomat: Senate interuption form? Senator: Yes, the blue one remember? Diplomat: What do you mean form, i'm an important dignitary, and I only wish for peace. Senator: Oh, you simply wish a peace agreement? You'll need the pink form then. Backbench Senator: Mr Speaker, can I inquire as to when we can return to more pressing matters. Diplomat: More pressing matters? We have a huge army poised to sack this city! If you value your... Senator: You wish to launch an invasion? You'll need the yellow form then, but make sure its the greeny yellow, or else you'll file a sewage complaint. Diplomat: Look, Kiev got sacked, and now Constantinople will if you don't listen! Backbench Senator: Mr Speaker, my constituents have been very worried at the closure of their local post office. Senator: I'm sorry but this invasion matter will simply have to hold until i've sorted the post offices. Diplomat: Your capital is at stake and you're worried about a freaking post office?!?!? Backbench Senator: My constituents are correct to be worried sir. They've filed the correct complaint forms and everything. Diplomat: I give up... Sentor: You'll need the red form for that. Narrator: With diplomacy failing due to the complex form system the Romans developed, Asim decided to forgo Hakki's plans and simply siege the city the way Cumans used to. Hire a bunch of random blokes to barge down the gates, and then have everyone charge in in the hope they win. Fortunatly, it wasn't hard to find a gullible "suicide squad". Narrator: However, the Romans would obviously not let their capital fall without a fight. Forms were quickly filled out and men rushed to defend the city. Narrator: Luckily, the Cumans decided to attack at night, because the stars looked pretty. This caught the Romans completely by surprise, and as such the relief forces were useless. However, all those command stars gained because of Hakki's victories actually made Asim slightly more tactically able. He came up with an ingenous plan, that would minimise his casualties and ensure complete destruction of the city. Unfortunatly, it didn't take them long to realise they didn't actually have the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, so they had to resort to Plan B, which was actually quite good. Narrator: Firstly, they decided to simply send the random blokes they'd popped up to knock down the gates. Ofcourse, the Cumans had wisely told them this huge centre was simply a burger bar, and upon entry, they would all have free chicken burgers, with fries. Slav Mercenary: These guys really want us to fight for these burgers. Slav Captain: These nice Cuman chaps assured me that when we eventually get in, these guys will admit defeat and stow away their bows, upon the surrender note of "And what can I get you sir?". Slav Mercenary: Hey, wasn't there supposed to be a giant city right about here? Slav Captain: They knocked it down last week and build a burger bar in these walls. Over twenty thousand people had to die to make way. Slav Mercenary: Wait, but thats... thats... Slav Captain: Yes... thats over NINE THOUSAND!!!! Slav Mercenary: Anyway, the gates down, lets charge in! Slav Captain: FOR THE BURGERS!!!! Slav Captain: Sweet, these guys are coming to greet us and everything! Slav Mercenary: Err captain... Jones just got stabbed... Slav Captain: Ah crap, not again... *Meanwhile, back where the Cumans were positioned* Asim: Now men, fire! Don't worry about hitting those gullible idiots, just make sure theres enough for Part III. Hakki: You've actually thought this through to a Part II? Asim: I'll have you know I have six command stars son, and you only have one! Hakki: Vsevold had eight, and look where that got him.. Asim: Meh, just a mid-campaign crisis. *Back at the frontline* Slav Mercenary: HOLY ****! THOSE GUYS ARE FIRING ARROWS AT US! Slav Captain: They were before! Slav Mercnary: NO! THE ****ING CUMANS! Slav Captain: Ah crap! Asim: The Romans are retreating back into the castle. It's all falling into place. Captain! Captain: Khan! Asim: Give the order for me and my General's bodyguards to ready to charge. Captain: Affirmative! Hakki: Wait, we're going to charge in ourselves? With all those men? And boiling oil? And arrows? Asim: Ah, thats what those guys are for. Give the order for the men to enter the city. And on my count, CHARGE! *Back at the frontline* Slav Mercenary: That was a close one. Think we should run now? Slav Captain: The Cumans have just told me that they would do this, and it was in the small print. Slav Mercenary: What'ya mean small print? You can't read!!!! Slav Captain: Exactly, which is why I didn't know. Anyway, we're supposed to charge past the walls. Slav Mercenary: But... they launched boiling oil at us when we used the ram! Slav Captain: That's not boiling oil. Slav Mercenary: WELL IT KILLED JIMMY GODAMNIT! IT KILLED JIMMY! Slav Captain: It's just the burger joint's special sauce. They must've just pushed the wrong button and had it too hot. Anyway into the breach! *5 seconds later* Slav Mercenary: AH ****! IT ****ING BURNS! I'LL KILL THOSE CUMAN MOTHER****ERS! *Meanwhile, 50 yards away* Asim: NOW CHARGE! THEY'VE USED THE OIL! DON'T STOP UNTIL WE REACH THE SQUARE! Hakki: Asim you idiot! We've lost practically all our bodyguards! Asim: Ah, but now we're onto Part V! Hakki: Hold on, since when could you count up to five? Especially in frigging numerals! Asim: Thats besides the point, the Romans will now leave the walls and hold the square! *Meanwhile, the Byzantine General responds* Evarestos: Those fools, they just threw away their best soldiers. They have no infantry left, all we have to do is keep out these horse archers. Captain! Roman Captain: Sir? Evarestos: Pull back to the square! Roman Captain: But sir, that'll just let their horse archers past all our defences, and in open ground they'll butcher us! Evarestos: Well I don't have a choice. Roman Captain: What the hell do you mean?!?! Evarestos: Theres a law written under article 44 of the siege & defences act of 1098 that states that if these guys hold the square for exactly three minutes, I am obligated to surrender under paragraph 6. So I have to go back. Roman Captain: Can't we just split our forces and defend both? Evarestos: Nonsense! Roman Captain, but we'll just be shot to pieces! Evarestos: Yes, that's the last thing they'll be expecting! Asim: Excellent, they're in the town square. Order the horse archer's around the side gate. Order them to surround the town square and proceed to unload their ammunition. *5 minutes later* Roman Captain: Sir! They're shooting at us! We must engage them! Evasteros: Nonsense! I shall not have it. Roman Soldier: ****ing hell man! Just let me charge these mother****ers! Evasteros: What is your name you insubordinate wrench! Roman Soldier: Kenny sir! Roman Captain: You might wanna change your name... Roman Soldier: Why's that captain? Roman Captain: Well.. Roman Soldier: *gets shot in the head* Evasteros: OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNY! Roman Captain: You bastard! Evasteros: CRAP! MY HORSE GOT SHOT! Roman Captain: And that's a problem why? Evasteros: For some weird hardcoded reason, my horse and I share the same lifeforce, so if he dies, I die. Roman Captain: What? Why don't you change it! Evasteros: It's hardcoded, sorry mate. Roman Captain: No big loss. Evaseteros: I hate you... Asim: VICTORY IS MINE! AND I ACTUALLY DID THE TACTICS FOR ONCE! HELL YEAH! Hakki: How the hell did I get into this... Asim: You know what rocks about this? I get another two command stars! Hakki: Two?!?! Asim: Conquerer of Constantinople! Hakki: I should kill you.. Asim: You can't. Hakki: Why not? Asim: Firstly, its hardcoded. And secondly, you can't rebel because I gained two authority aswell! Hakki: I really... really hate you... Narrator: And so the Cumans sacked the city, to the tune of "KILL! RAPE! PILLAGE!". However, one unusual building caught Hakki's eye. This was the source of the information he had been searching for. But as for the rest of the Cumans, such a building perplexed them. Narrator: With the information he needed, Hakki set his sights on Sicily & Italy as the place of his dreams. He also uncovered some shocking information about his past. So shocking are these facts, that for some reason, I decided to piss all of you off by not writing them for a few updates, kind've like that annoying ended that forces you to watch the sequel. Matrix reloaded, i'm looking at you! You piece of crap! Narrator: Ofcourse, the Cumans had no interest in the city, and so decided to be nice and give it back to the Byzantines. After all, these guys were so wrapped up in forms that no-one had gained planning permission to build any sort of cake construction factory, so their entire Empire was useless. Narrator: After losing count of how many forms he had to fill, the Cuman diplomat succeeded in trading back the city for trade rights, and an alliance! Narrator: Upon the return of the city, almost 500 random crappy mercenary archers no-one likes filled the city. Ofcourse, the Romans discovered the Cumans had decided to give their city a much more apt name, and ofcourse, had torn down all the buildings. Narrator: For some strange reason, much of the Slavic Suicide Squad survived the siege of Constantinople, and ofcourse were pretty pissed off at their complete lack of their free chicken burger and fries. Ofcourse, Asim then revelead somewhere in the small print was another clause which stated this food hadn't even been invented yet, and they would have to wait until a much later date for delivery, unless they could pay a 1000 florin delivery charge. Ofcourse, being the cheapskates and gullible guys they were, they declined, and buggered off into the forgotten details of AAR obscurity. Narrator: Meanwhile, after telling Asim that the mystical cake was being hidden somewhere in Italy, it didn't take long for Hakki and his fellow Cumans to set sail. Soon, their journey would be over, and conquest would begin. Navigator: So, which way's Italy then? Hakki: You're a navigator, and you don't know? Navigator: Never said i'm a very good one. Hakki: Look, just head West from here and we'll be sorted. Navigator: West, thats left right? Hakki: Fine, just go left... Narrator: While the Cumans were enjoying riding the high seas (as they'd hardly ever seen a large ocean before), the Romans were still recovering from the loss of Constantinople. Ofcourse, things wern't exactly going well, with rebels deciding it was their time to pounce. Rebel: Give us the city, OR DIE!! Senator: Look here, i'm still dealing with this post office fiasco! Just grab a red form, fill it out, and i'll see to the problem in due course! Rebel: Look, i'm going to start ordering my men to kill you one by one until our demands are met! Senator: You're just going to have to wait! Rebel: Fine, i'll just kill this guy. Backbench Senator: NO! BUT THE POST OFFICE!!! *dies* Senator: You barbarian! You'll need an orange form to request a legal execution of a senator. Rebel: FOR **** SAKE MAN! IT'S JUST A SIMPLE ****ING QUESTION! IT'S NOT LIKE IM THE GODAMN SPANISH INQUISITION! Inquisitor: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!! *Silence* Random Bloke: I did... Rebel: AH! SCREW IT ALL! THIS CITY IS OURS! AND WHAT IDIOT RENAMED THE CITY "JIHAD'S HERE PLEASE"! Senator: Well, we've been trying to do the paperwork to change it back, but it's hard work. Rebel: GRRRRR!!!!!!! Narrator: Meanwhile, the Cumans were having their own problems. Hakki: ITALY AT LAST! MY DREAM PARADISE! FINALLY! Asim: Look, let's just find the cake and be done with this expedition. Munir: Hey guys... Hakki: Wait, you can talk? Munir: Yes brother, I can talk! I was just drooling too much over the prospect of cake that I couldn't speak. Thankfully, i've got over that dark phase of my life. Hakki: Anyways, that aside, what the hell did you want? Munir: What's with all these crosses and crap... Hakki: For **** sake... Hakki: Navigator! HOW THE HELL DID YOU SCREW THIS UP! Navigator: Well, you told me to go left... Hakki: I told you to go West! Navigator: Yeah West, thats left! Hakki: You idiot! Since you were going south by going left you've gone East, not West! Navigator: Oh... *Silence* Navigator: Well why didn't you just tell me to go right? Hakki: GOD-DAMNIT!!! Narrator: After this brief period was over, the Cumans decided to find some locals and try and figure out what to do. Asim decided that since they were here, they might aswell find out if there was any cake here, because if there was, it wouldn't matter that they made the wrong turn. Asim: Hail friend! Gottfried: You're wearing strange clothes for some pilgrims. How can this lowly Knight help you? Asim: Well, we're looking for some cake. Gottfried: Ah, you mean the Holy Cake of Antioch? Asim: HOLY CAKE OF ANTIOCH!?!?!?! Gottfried: Yes. We are an order of Knights sworn to Crusade to protect the Holy Cake. Asim: So, where might I find this cake? Gottfried: It's under lock and key in Antioch, somewhere in the Crusader Church. Asim: Hold on, arn't you a bit low piety for a Crusading Knight? Gottfried: Meh, just this stupid pagan magician keeps following me. Asim: Yeah, stupid cruddy pagans. Hakki: Asim... Asim: Yeah... Hakki: We're pagans... Asim: Gottfried: PAGAN SCUM!?!?!?!?! PREPARE TO DIE!!! Asim: Look! All we want is some cake! Can't we all just get along? Hakki: Considering you're near max dread, isn't that a strange thing to say. Asim: Split personality son. Hakki: So that's why you've suddenly started getting all these brilliant victories? Theres a better side to you. Gottfried: *cough* Look scum? Can't we just get this over with. Asim: Bah, if I must... Asim: Right, so what's the composition of this force. Scouts? Scout: The army is composed almost entirely of light infantry, with a few units of light cavalry. Godfried also has a contigent of heavy cavalry serving as his bodyguard. Asim: Wait, so no archers? Scout: Nope Asim: Perfect! *Meanwhile, a few hundred yards away* Templar Spearman: Holy Mother! Protect us against these pagans! Help us cleanse their heretical stain from the world! Templar Knight: Look mate, you don't need to pray for us to win this. Templar Spearman: Why? Templar Knight: Easy! Our force is all spears, and theirs is cavalry. Templar Spearman: So? Templar Knight: Spears dominate cavalry Templar Spearman: :hmmm: Templar Knight: Fine, i'll put it in young man's terms for you. You know like Pokemon? Templar Spearman: Yeah... Templar Knight: Well.. ITS SUPER EFFECTIVE! Templar Spearman: Ah! Templar Knight: All we have to do is march over their and stab them.. Templar Spearman: ****! MY ****ING EYE! ****ERS ARE FIRING ****ING ARROWS AT US! Templar Knight: You know, this sort've has a sense of deja vu. Templar Knight: At least under the captains leadership, we can never lose!!! Templar Knight: OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNY! Templar Spearman: Err, his name wasn't Kenny, and we've already used that joke... Templar Knight: Narrator: So, as the main force was simply shot to pieces by several hundred random cake obsessed drunkards on horses, it was simply a matter of time until the Cumans had victory, and Goddfried hadn't even arrived yet. Templar Spearman: HOLY ****! Templar Knight: God bless that ****! *About Half a Mile Away* Goddfried: *singing* Do you believe in love after love? *Back at the Battle* Asim: This is too easy... I've got my dumbass personality on and i'm still winning this battle. *Now about 200 yards from the Fight* Goddfried: *singing* I really don't think you're strong enough no! Captain: Err sir? Goddfried: Don't interupt me during my theme song dog! Captain: Where's the other army... Goddfried: Oh ****! Goddfried: If I am to die today! At least I die with Honour. Come on men, FOR FREEDOM! Random Scottish Bloke: FREEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOM! Goddfried: Jeez, even on my suicide charge i'm upstaged... *5 seconds later* Goddfried: CRAP! I WANT TO LIVE! I WANT TO LIVE DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Asim: Ahh, infantry forces. Gotta love em. Asim: Now we can march into Antioch! AND CLAIM THE HOLY CAKE! Hakki: But, surely it isn't exactly Holy to us, we're not exactly Christians. Asim: Who cares, it must still taste good! Scout: Khan! Asim: Yes? Scout: Another Templar force spotted on the horizon. Asim: Any archers this time? Scout: Nope Asim: Crap, they must have artillery for sure. Scout: Nope. Asim: Any cavalry at all? Scout: Nope. Asim: HELL YEAH! I LOVE THESE GUYS! FREE COMMAND STARS BABY! Asim: Now that Antioch is ours! Let us look for the Holy Cake! Narrator: Eventually, after lumbering round the city for hours on end, they find the Crusader Church (Yes, it took them hours to find the most obvious building in the entire city...). As they entered the croft, they found a door guarded with the emblem of the Holy Cake. Asim: This must surely be it, now... how to open it... Hakki: There's a note on the door. Asim: Give it to me, i'll read it.. Hakki: Dad... you can't read... Asim: I KNOW THAT DAMNIT! I WAS GOING TO MAKE IT UP AND MAKE A NICE JOKE! BUT YOU WENT AN RUINED IT! Hakki: Fine, what was your godamn joke then? Asim: *Clears throat* Gone out to get candles, back in 5 minutes. Hakki: That was a joke? Asim: Don't patronise me damnit! Hakki: You're an embarrassment! Suggs: How can you show your face? When you're a disgrace to the human race! *Silence* Asim: WHO THE HELL'S THIS GUY??!?! Hakki: Who cares, I like him! Narrator: Eventually, the Cumans realised that 5 Emblems adorned the face of the Holy Door of Baking. It seemed only logical that they would have to gather these holy relics in order to open the door. The five shapes were a Cross, a Crescent, a Lion, a Sword, and a small pin like niche. Perplexed, the Cumans decided they might aswell sack the city, and kill these Crusaders until they found out exactly how to open this thing. Narrator: Ofcourse, it didn't take the Cumans long to take Aleppo, Tortosa & Adana. Ofcourse, Asim was then joyously awaiting the Faction Destroyed message.
Last edited by La♔De♔Da♔Brigadier Graham; January 15, 2010 at 05:41 PM.
Curious Curialist curing the Curia of all things Curial.
Author:Musthavename Original Thread: The Cuman Cake Confederacy The Cuman Cake Confederacy Asim: WHERE THE HELL IS IT! IT SHOULD BE HERE BY NOW! Munir: Err, my bad... Asim: What'dya mean "my bad"? Munir: Well, I love these Crusader guys, they're so fun to kill I couldn't just let them die. Asim: Fair point, so what did you do. Munir: Gave them all the lands in the Steppes. Asim: WHAT?!?!?!? Munir: That and I played a really funny joke at the same time! Asim: Actually.. that is quite funny... You should do something like that on the internet. Munir: That what net? Asim: Oh, some thing that Merchant said he designed. Meh, it's probably overrated anyway. Munir: Anyways, we're at least allied to these guys now. Hakki: How did you get a bunch of fanatical crusader knights to ally with pagans? Munir: Simple. Hakki: Go on then.. Munir: I did some things i'm none too proud of. Hakki: :hmmm: Munir: Don't ask. Just don't. I still have memories of what's under that armour, and its not pretty. Hakki: Munir: Narrator: Eventually, the Cumans realised that the only way to figure out the way in, were to talk to these Crusaders. So it was a pretty big stroke of luck they kept them alive. Fritz: Hail friends! I am Fritz Witz! Grandmaster of the Order of the Knights Templar! Asim: Don't I know you from somewhere? Fritz: Well, in a few years, I get some real alcoholic problems, and get a different bunch of Knights and campaign in this area trying to find the Holy Beer. Asim: Holy Beer? Fritz: Aye.. Asim: Why have Beer when you can have CAKE! Fritz: Well, when you protect the Holy Cake for a job, you envy it so much, you try to find other things, like beer. Asim: Ah, thats what i've been meaning to ask you. How can I open the so called "Holy Door of Baking"? Fritz: Well, you need the 5 emblems. Asim: Know where any of them are? Fritz: Only one. Asim: Which is? Fritz: The Cross ofcourse. It's held in the Vatican itself. Asim: Oh thats easy then, we'll just go to Rome and.. Hakki: How do you know where Rome is? Asim: Smart personality on. Hakki: Asim: We'll just go to Rome and knock off old Popey Wopey. Fritz: Well, you could just wait in Antioch and he'll come to you. Asim: Err, why? Fritz: Well, he did just put a Crusade on your ass. *Pause* Cumans: Meanwhile - At a Secret Location in the Balkans... Instructor: Now. For this lesson, you shall be further trained in the arts of self defence! Pupil: It's not going to be fruit again is it? I wanted to do pointed sticks this week. Instructor: SHUT UP! It has come to my attention that we haven't done bananas yet. Now, since none of you guys has the stomach to truelly attack me with a banana, i've hired some dilluded, gullible, random blokes I found wandering around. *Insert Random Theme Music Here* Slav Captain: Huzzah! The Slav Squad finds work again! Can't believe how much this guys paying us. Slav Mercenary: Yeah, I can actually open my own burger joint after this. It won't be a suicide mission like the Cumans will it? Slav Captain: Nah, this guy's assured us that he won't killl us, butcher us, or make us think that the boiling oil at Constantinople's gates is hot sauce. Instructor: Now, each one of you has been supplied with a banana. Slav Captain: So, what do we do? Instructor: Attack me! Cmon! Attack me with them! Slav Captain: With bananas... we have pointed sticks you know, we could use those? Instructor: SHUT IT WITH THE GODAMN POINTED STICKS! NOW CMON! ATTACK ME! Slav Captain: Ok men, CHARGE!!!!! Instructor: Now students. In the event of this many random slavic mercenaries, you should unveal a secret weapon drawn from the future. Serpentines, open fire! Slav Captain: What.. the... ****! Slav Captain: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY GODAMNIT! Pupil: Sir.. Instructor: Yes? Pupil: Those arn't supposed to be invented for another few hundred years... Instructor: So.. Pupil: So how the **** did you get them? Instructor: PLOT DEVICE *****! Narrator: So, with the Slavic Suicide Squad caught up elsewhere, being shot at by weapons not yet in existence, the Cumans plotted their move against the Crusade. Asim: Crap, what the hell do we do! Munir: Err, its not the time for kill, rape, pillage is it? Asim: I don't think so.. Fritz: You know, I was only pulling your leg. Asim: You bastard... Fritz: It was kinda funny you know. We Crusaders need a good laugh once in a while. Asim: Think of the frigging readers! You forgot them didn't you! Fritz: Readers? Asim: Yeah! They were thinkin "OH GREAT A CRUSADE", and now look what you've done, built their hopes up for nothing! Fritz: Wait, what the hell do you mean readers? Asim: Forget it... Narrator: The Cumans on the other hand took this stark warning to heart. They'd be screwed if this happens, and the Holy Cake would obviously be on the Pope's Radar of Random Crusade Targets. So, they decided to regroup and ditch this land, and try and get the Cross Emblem off ole' Popey Wopey. They reorganised their forces into two groups. Firstly, the old Cuman Army composed entirely of Horse Archers. Secondly, an army of random blokes with different weapons and crap, which only Hakki could really figure out how to use tactically, and as such was lead by him. Narrator: It didn't take long until they found a random place to invade, and yet another people to completely and utterly butcher. Narrator: The Sicilians, being remotly intelligent in war, realised that a force composed entirely of Horse Archers could not break down gates, so they just let the Cumans do their thing. Ofcourse, what they didn't think of is the Cumans hiring a bunch of random spearmen to break down the walls for them. Mercenary Spearman: So, what did these guys pay us to do? Mercenary Captain: Just knock down these gates, then they'll take it from there. Mercenary Spearman: Arn't these the guys that got those Slav guys maimed at Constantinople? Mercenary Captain: Yeah.. Mercenary Spearman: So why the **** are we doing what they say? Mercenary Captain: It's hardcoded. Mercenary Spearman: What the hell? Mercenary Captain: If they pay the money, they have complete control. Sorry. Mercenary Spearman: Then why the heck did they have to lie to the Slavic guys? Mercenary Captain: Beats me, probably just an atmospheric thing. Mercenary Spearman: We're going to die arn't we? Mercenary Captain: Pretty much. Mercenary Spearman: *Meanwhile, the other side of the Gate, the Sicilian's had a Brilliant Tactic* Bodyguard: Alberto? Alberto: Yes? Bodyguard: Why the **** are we doing this? Alberto: Doing what? Bodyguard: Holding our lances forward. Alberto: Because.. Bodyguard: Because? Alberto: You know, I don't actually know. Bodyguard: Alberto: It must be a good idea though, because I thought of it, let's just keep it up. Bodyguard: You know, I don't even know why I want to protect your life anymore. Alberto: Look, you're not just going to forget about me either way. Theres no way the game can manifest itself in a way that you desert me. Bodyguard: Fine, let's just get our deaths over with... Alberto: Damn straight... wait a sec... Peasant: Sire, the gates have fallen! Alberto: Send a unit into the breach. Peasant: But... they'll be shot to pieces... Alberto: Look, just do it godamnit! Munir: Last one to the town plaza's a Christian Heathen! Asim: Thats not me! Charge men!!! Munir: I was only kidding. Asim: Look son, i've got my dumbass hat on today, so i'll take it seriously! CHARGE! Munir: Mercenary Spearman: Wait, how the heck did we get into the fight! Mercenary Captain: I don't know. Mercenary Spearman: Wait, why are all these guys ignoring the massive amount of Cuman Heavy Cavalry and trying to kill us? Mercenary Captain: Essence of Battle, the new fragrance, by Calvein Klein. Narrative: Ofcourse, the battle went very much like the siege of Constantinople. The act of moving to the plaza caused every single defender to run to the plaza. Ofcourse, not before killing the random mercenary guys first. *5 Minutes Later - Town Plaza* Bodyguard: For god sake, why are we sitting here? They're just going to surround us with archers and shoot us to pieces. *Silence* Bodyguard: Err, General? *Silence* Peasant: Err, he must've died.. Bodyguard: What, we did pretty much 80% of the battle with him dead, and we didn't notice! Peasant: Yeah.. Bodyguard: So he serves no useful purpose whatsoever. Peasant: I guess so, I never really thought about it... Narrative: Ofcourse, the random guys decided it would be best to sit in the town plaza and do nothing while cavalry archers shot them to shreds. Strike another victory for the random drunkards on horses. Narrator: Ofcourse, with Syracuse taken, the Cumans decided to press on with their main force to Palermo. Much like Kiev, a random force was just outside the castle, so they didn't need to bother with siege weapons. Joy to the world! Asim: Right, so I take it this is another infantry massacre! Brilliant! Scout: Err sir? Asim: Yes? Scout: The enemy has a fairly solid balance of Archers & Crossbowmen, Spearmen & Heavy Cavalry. Asim: Ah crap... Thats bad right? Munir: You tell me! You're the frigging 10 star General! Asim: Scout, do you have any picture of the incoming force? Scout: Yes, I managed to draw this in 3 seconds. Asim: HOW THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?!?!?! Scout: Well, I used a digital camera. Asim: But that's not even invented yet.. Scout: So! It hasn't stopped anything being screwed up yet! Asim: Fair point. Asim: HOLY CRAP! THE SICILIAN'S HAVE ****ING LASERS!!!! Munir: Actually dad, thats just the boundary line we can't cross. Asim: ARGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LASERS!!!!!!!!!!! RUNN!!!!!!!! Munir: Dad, if you're intent on running, why are we running into the,... Asim: CRAP! SPEARS!!! CRAP CRAP!!!! Cuman Soldier: Err captain? Cuman Captain: Yes? Cuman Soldier: WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO! Cuman Captain: The same thing we do every night. Try to take over the world! Cuman Soldier: What??? Cuman Captain: Oh sorry. The same thing we do every battle. Try to random shoot and run away! Asim: GOD NO!!!!! ARTUK'S DEAD! Munir: Who? Asim: Artuk! That random General bloke! Munir: Who? Asim: NO! NOT ARTUK! HE DIDN'T EVEN GET A LINE GODAMNIT! Munir: Thats probably why no-one gives a crap. Asim: DON'T SAY THAT! I LOVED THAT GUY! Munir: Then why didn't you give him a frigging line. Asim: He was a mute! Munir: Seriously? Asim: Yeah! How'd you feel now you heartless piece of ****! Asim: OH GOD! THIS BATTLE'S SO ****ING DEMENTED! Munir: What now? Asim: A TWO HEADED HORSE WITH TWO BLOKES RIDING IT JUST KILLED THE ENEMY CAPTAIN! Munir: Err, don't you like think, it might be two frigging people? Asim: BUT! THEY'RE BODIES ARE MERGED! Munir: Just a glitch... Asim: Whaty'da mean a glitch? Munir: Nevermind... Just leave the two headed horse to itself and you'll be fine. Asim: Thats reassuring.... Sicilian Spearman: Why are we just trying to outrun these guys... Sicilian Soldier: Blame the Creative frigging Assembly. Sicilian Spearman: Who? Sicilian Soldier: Nevermind.. Munir: Dad... Asim: Yeah? Munir: I don't know if you've noticed but we've won. Asim: Seriously? Sorry kiddo, I had some weird **** this morning. Munir: Remember kiddos! Don't do drugs and don't **** with weird drunkards wielding bows on horses! Narrator: Ofcourse, all these battles bode well for the Cumans. Asim was now a freaking God of WAR! Despite being a total idiot. Also, for some reason, Munir was a 7 star General, despite not being the sharpest tool in the shed either. Hakki meanwhile was a lowly 1 star bloke, despite being the finest Cuman mind in a generation. The bad news ofcourse compounded in that he hasn't even had a line this chapter! Narrator: On the other hand, considering Hakki had now effectivly made the Cumans travel from the Steppes to Sicily, he had achieved his goal, so he really didn't need to use his command stars. Ofcourse, for some abstract reason, he decided to take his random force to Naples instead. Meanwhile, the Sicilian's were happy just having a camping holiday. Narrator: Also, i'd like to dedicate this update to Artuk. Musthavename originally intended to actually give the bloke a line, but then he just thought "**** it, that's more effort". He shall be sadly missed... by no-one... Narrator: Meanwhile, just a few miles off the coast of Naples, on one of the few ships that make up the Cuman Navy. Hakki: Why the heck are my artists so godamn crappy? Advisor: Because, your father spent all the budget for artists on obtaining a digital camera. Hakki: What.. the hell... Crewmember: Prince! Hakki: Yes soldier? Crewmember: We have sighted land! Hakki: Oh good, now finally. All I have to do is take this crappy town and I can enjoy the rest of my life! Advisor: And what of the Holy Cake sir? Hakki: I have no interest in the Holy Cake. It is but a myth. Advisor: YOU ARE LEADING US AWAY?!?! Hakki: Ah don't worry, i'll just let you wait in Naples till Asim gets there, and then you can go on. I'll take care of the beach till you guys get back. Advisor: But Asim will have you executed for this insolence! Hakki: He can't. Advisor: Why not? Hakki: Hardcoded. Advisor: You should really stop using that line. Narrator: Then, all of a sudden, a cloud of smoke stupdendously appeared on the boat, which was such a spectacular sight that google doesn't have any image results that can even comprehend it! Hakki: *coughing* What the hell?!?! Narrator: Then, a man appeared out of the smoke, and he approached the Cuman Prince. Hakki: Who are you?!? And how the **** did you do that? ????: I! I am the all powerful wizard of the west. Gandaruman the Grey! Hakki: That's, an inventive name... ????: Fine, just call me Bob. Hakki: That's better. Now, why the heck are you on this ship? Bob: I have come because I need to save the world Hakki. Hakki: Well, i'm not going to do anything to destroy it. Bob: No Hakki, you are the one to save the world. If I do nothing, in 5 minutes, you will die. Hakki: Why the heck will I die?!?! Bob: Pirates! Hakki: Theres a godamn pirate spawn here? Bob: Yes. Hakki: ****. Why are the so damn powerful anyway? Bob: Well, here's an image of what they look like. They're.... aliens.. Hakki: Can my life get any ****ing weirder?!? Bob: Well, you won't have much a life much longer. Hakki: But, what of the fate of the world? Bob: If you die now, the Cumans shall never find the Holy Cake. Hakki: So? Bob: If you do not, then someone else will. Hakki: Meaning? Bob: Your AAR will end, and the world you know will vanish into the forgotten annals of history. Hakki: AAR? Bob: Nevermind, just take my word for it. Hakki: Err no... Bob: Regardless, you have a choice, come into this Portal, or die. Hakki: And I'm supposed to believe thats safer? Bob: Look, in all my years of creating Portals for people, only one has resulted in death. Hakki: And how many Portals have you conjured for others? Bob: One... Hakki: Well, can I at least have some details of it? Bob: Well... It was one week ago... ----------------------------- Slav Mercenary: So you finally found a way out of this mess? Slav Captain: Yes, all we have to do is walk through this Portal, and we'll be in a land of free burger outlets! Slav Mercenary: Ok... *The Slav Suicide Squad enters the Portal* Slav Mercenary: Where the hell are we, and whats this stupidly decorated wheely bin doing here? Dalek: EXTERIMATE!!! Slav Captain: ****! BACK IN THE PORTAL! BACK IN THE PORTAL!!! ------------------------------------------------- Hakki: Oh its just those guys. Bob: So? Hakki: They have a knack for dying, trust me. Their captain has an honours degree in "Mortology". Bob: So you'll come into the Portal then? Hakki: If I must, but what's on the other side? Bob: The past Hakki, the past. Hakki: Why the heck would I want to go back?!?!?! Bob: Because Hakki, then, you can go to England and recover the Lion Emblem. From there, you can cycle around the world and collect the remaining four emblems. Hakki: But there's five? Bob: All in due course my friend... Narrator: So Hakki and his new pal Bob decide to enter the Portal. Suggs: ONE STEP BEYOND! *funky music playing* Bob: Who the hell's this guy? Hakki: Trust me, I kept this guy for a reason. Anyways, won't me going into the past cause a paradox and screw up the universe even more? Bob: It's just a frigging comedy. The writer can't be bothered solving that issue. Narrator: So, our protagnists appear in the past Hakki's room, just shortly before the meeting with his father in the very first update. Past Hakki: Oh my god, its... me! Hakki: Me... I dont know how this is going to screw up time, or what to say... Bob: Fine, i'll deal with this guy. Past Hakki: Deal with me? Bob: In this Portal, theres a ship a few miles from Naples, in Italy. Want to go there? Past Hakki: HELL YES! THESE IDIOTS ARE YOUR PROBLEM NOW OTHER ME! Hakki: So, how the hell is this not creating a paradox. Bob: It's hardcoded. Hakki: STOP STEALING MY LINES GODAMNIT! Bob: Regardless, now, you must see Asim once again, and explain to him the true story of the Holy Cake. Hakki: By the way, how the hell am I younger? Bob: Har.. Hakki: Ok, nevermind. * 5 minutes later * Asim: So why the hell did you call me here kiddo? Hakki: I know of.. the Holy Cake. Asim: HOLY CAKE?!?! Hakki: In Antioch lies a door, protected by five emblems. The first of these emblems is a lion, which lies somewhere in England. Asim: Alright random drunkards on horses, let's blow this joint! Narrator: So the Cumans set out on another journey. Headed to England. The next installment will come either on the weekend beginning the 4th Oct, or the weekend beginning the 11th Oct, which is when Musthavename will return home for a bit. He'll then reinstall M2TW and play through a new Cuman campaign. He'll try and put up with all the laggy stuff, though he won't be playing with stuff like SSTC, just to keep it simple. Hopefully this will have at least satisfied your thirst for an update, and keep faith! THIS WILL LIVE! BECAUSE THIS IS SPARTA!!! Random Bloke: No it isn't. Narrator: BAH! The Cuman Cake Confederacy Part II: Back to Square One *Or how I invented a random plot device and restarted* Narrator: And so, back in time and for some weird plot reason younger again, the Cumans depart, this time headed for the far off land of England (which only Hakki knew how to find... well, unless you count Bob... but his true purpose remains unknown). Narrator: After an agonisingly long amount of turns, they reached Riga, to find the Poles & Lithuanians squabbling for randomly crappy places. Following the first rule of Cuman Diplomacy, also known as "screw Diplomacy, let's just shoot them", they ended up in a strange alliance with both the Poles and the Republic of Novgorod... the two people most likely to attack the only other Pagan nation - clever that! Narrator: So, after hopping on a ship, and Hakki remebering this time Cuman Cartography of not bothering to use North, West, South & East, they headed off for the supposed new world, to build up a mighty Empire from which to acquire the Holy Cake of Antioch. Narrator: On the way, the Cumans met some random Vikings, who had since become more civilised. However, the Vikings were still fluent in the nomadic language of "KILL - RAPE - PILLAGE", and so the Cumans easily managed to set up alliances and trade agreements with both of them. Narrator: However, a strange site awaited them as they passed the tip of Norway. Scotsman: I be William Wallace! And I fight for FREEDOM! Eikundarsund: You be not William Wallace. You just be a man who stole his model! Scotsman: How dare you oppress me for having someone elses model!? Prepare to die English dog! Eikundarsund: I be not English. I be a random town that has the strange ability to talk! Scotsman: Ach no! The Engilsh have black magic that turns the town itself into our foes! Quick! Kick down the walls! WALLACE SMASH! Eikundarsund: Ouch.. stop that! *5 minutes later* Scotsman: Wallace sleep now. Hakki: What.. the... hell... Narrator: Midway through the North Sea, theres also a pleasant surprise for the Cumans. Asim: Hmmm... Hakki: Yes dad? Asim: Theres randomly 2000 more florins in this weightless magic pot we carry around. Hakki: A gift from the Council of Nobles. Asim: We have nobles? And we managed to develop a political system that involved having a council? Hakki: Look mate, I don't write this crap. Let's just think "FREE GOLD!!!!!". Asim: Yeah, but where the hell did it come from... Bob: I believe I can explain. Hakki: You can? Bob: Yes. *pause* Bob: A Wizard did it! Hakki: That always fits doesn't it? Bob: Yes. Hakki: Let's just get to frigging England and stop this crap. *30 seconds later after the turn wait finishes* English Noble: I say old chap! These nice lads seem to have landed on our pleasant island! English Baron: Indoobedebly old chap! English Noble: Is that even a word? English Baron: Most certainly! I won scrabble with that on a triple word square this morning! English Noble: I say! English Baron: Quite. *Meanwhile, on the Cuman Side* Hakki: Huzzah! England! Asim: So, is the cake here? Hakki: No, just one of the keys to the door that holds the cake. Asim: I see... So what now? Hakki: Right, let me put this in terms you understand. Asim: Right... Hakki: KILL! RAPE!!! PILLAGE!!!!!!! Asim: Ah ok! Nice tactic! Hakki: Thanks I guess. *Meanwhile, on the English Side* English Noble: I say! Those fellows are on a rampage. English Baron: How terribly uncivilised. English Noble: Those barbarians even killed Kenneth! English Baron: Those bounders!!!! English Noble: Now, we must retaliate before they decimate our supply of Earl Gray & Digestives. English Baron: Excellent plan old chap! What shall the army compose of? English Noble: Well, since all their force is cavalry, what can go wrong if we just use spearmen? Narrator: And so, as the English marched up to the battlefield ready to make the same mistake all these random factions make... Geoffrey: Now chaps! Let's all line up in an orderly fashion and keep a nice disciplined shape. I don't want anyone letting the side down. Now, let's march slowly forward! Cumans: KILL!!! RAPE!!! PILLAGEEEEE!!!!! Geoffrey: I say! Cumans: KILL!!! Geoffrey: I say! Cumans: KILL!!!! Geoffrey: Oh bother! These savages appear to have arrows at their disposal! Those bounders! Cumans: RUN AWAY!!!! *Meanwhile, on the other side of the Battlefield* Henry: Relight my fire! Your love is my only desire! *Back on the main battlefield* Geoffrey: I have an ingenous plan! Peasant: Yes m'lord? Geoffrey: Let us stand still and let them shoot at us! These barbarians will soon get bored and stop firing. They're just like children. Peasant: God thats a stupid idea. Geoffrey: No its not. They've stopped firing. See? Peasant: Whats that big blue mass on the horizon? Geoffrey: It's probably their colour for surrender. They're hardly civilised. Peasant: Ah crap. Peasant: I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!!! *dies* Asim: WOAH! NICE STUNTS! Hakki: You just killed him you know. Asim: WHAT?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I could've had him as a weird demented jumping pet and everything. Hakki: Look! They cannot be domesticated! Asim: Yeah.. cruddy barbarians. Let's just shoot these guys. *Other Side of the Battlefield* Henry: Now i've finished my joyous song, it's time to initiate my brilliant plan! Peasant: How so m'lord? Henry: Considering our archers are God's sign that he is English, we shall march them to the front completely unguarded. Everyone else, put the kettle on, I could use a pleasant cup of tea. Archer: AH CRAP!!!! Henry: Oh balderdash! Narrator: And so the Cumans sacked and pillaged London, unfortunatly, they hadn't found the lion emblem. And so started to make prepations for maiming the rest of these random guys until they found it. Narrator: Ofcourse, events in Europe were taking a different turn. With the AI finally realising what backstabbing bastards the Genoese (aka: Milan) are, they decided to completely and utterly annihilate them 25 turns in. Narrator: With the Genoese dead and Catholism now declared bored. They set about declaring a Crusade... against themselves. Narrator: Meanwhile, the Cumans had another problem on their hand. Outside London, unrest was rising. English Noble: I say! Where's my servants! You filled him with arrows! He's completely incapable of doing his job now! English Baron: Yes! Now! Come out you uncivilised people. This just isn't cricket you know! English Noble: Quite right old chap. Quite right. Narrator: So, the Cumans decided to deal with the poncy English bastards. So, they decided to try a new tactic, as they couldn't get close without the annoying poncy language. So they hid in the trees till nighttime. Soldier: Arnt they going to see an army of about 500 horses? Horseman: No! If we stand 5 yards from a tree, we're safe! Soldier: Ok... Narrator: So the tactic worked brilliantly. The only problem was two people ran into each other with spears drawn in the night. With the new ability to escape London, the Cuman onslaught started trying to find the Lion Emblem. Narrator: Meanwhile, the English were still enjoying typical English sports, such as... hunt the crappy Scottish warship. English Ship: Come out with your... oars up! You are surrounded! Scottish Ship: How dare you oppress me you English dog! FREEDOM!!! English Ship: You have no chance to survive make your time. Scottish Ship: For great justice! Narrator: Meanwhile, as the capital was reassigned to London, the Steppes started rebelling. So the Cumans came up with a cunning plan, which would be the basis of Estate Agents for years to come. Salesman: So, we have the Steppes here? Princess: But.. arn't they completly cold, miserable and deserted compared to everywhere else? Salesman: No no no! Theres... err... NIGHTCLUBS EVERYWHERE! Princess: But.. the houses are falling apart? Salesman: Nah! That's just the latest style all the cool people are using. You want to be cool don't you? Princess: What? YES! I'M COOL! Salesman: THEN SPEND MONEY NOW! Princess: YES! SPEND!!! But I don't have any money? Salesman: We'll gladly take half of your father's Kingdom. Princess: DONE!!! Narrator: Ofcourse, the reality was, the buildings wern't falling down, they were torn down. The Cuman plan was to keep trading places and tearing buildings down until they eventually run dry. Well, it beat just letting the Steppes rebel. However, the sale gave some shocking news. Asim: The chance i've been waiting for! Let's help ourselves out and gain favour with ourselves! It's brilliant! Hakki:
Author:Musthavename Original Thread: The Cuman Cake Confederacy The Cuman Cake Confederacy Narrator: Meanwhile, outside Winchester, the Pagans decided to discuss religion with the Cardinal Aston. Priest: You should join our ways infidel! Forsake Christ and embrace the true Gods of old. Aston: Actually, I was wondering something. As theres something I dont get. Priest: Yes? Aston: You know a bit about Christiniaity yes? Priest: Yes. Aston: Well, you know in the beginning, God created the universe and all that. Priest: Yes. Aston: That. Priest: What about it? Aston: I don't get it. Priest: You're one of the top Cardinals in all of Catholism and you "don't get it?" Aston: Yes. Priest: How the hell did you become a priest? Was it "collect 5 cereal boxes and join the clergy now"? Aston: Actually no. I've just always been coded to be a priest, kind've depressing really. I always wanted to be a milkman. Narrator: Surprised with this, the Cumans decidced to investigate by sending Dursun. However, as he had forgotten his jacket in Kazan, he was surprisingly a much better spy. And yes, I have no idea why a cardinal that has no belief in God would have an armed guard follow him either. Dursun: Psst... I have cookies! Guard: COOKIES?!?!?! Dursun: Psst.. don't tell the other guards. More for us that way! Guard: COOKIES?!!?!?! MUST GET NOW! *runs into a tree* Dursun: Hmm.. I wonder what its like to be a guard.... *Meanwhile, In Nottingham* Asim: BLOOD MUST BE SPILLED! Munir: KILL RAPE PILLAGE!!!! Narrator: The battle lasted less than a second. Also known as "I couldn't be ****ed and autoresolved". Narrator: However, events in England were attracting attention from over the border. Scottish King: It seems ye English are losing this war. Scottish Captain: Aye. But I canno' see past this fat-ass Merchant. Scottish King: Aye. He be one of Longshanks men. He knows of our plans. He just waits.. ominously. Scottish Captain: So where's Wallace then? Scottish King: He's still having pyschological issues with that Norweigan town. Fake Wallace: WALLACE SMASH!! Norweigans: **** OFF! Narrator: With the entire world looking even more screwed up than before, the one man who seemed to have ayn sense had sighted the King of England. Hakki was sure this man would know of where the lion emblem actually was. Narrator: However... the English dreadlord had more pressing matters to attend to. Wiliam: WOW!!! A FLAG!!!! Narrator: And so, the Cumans steadily advanced, as the English peasants brace themselves.. for more things than one. Peasant: Who the heck keeps touching me? Levy: Sorry bud. Peasant: You've been doing that a lot mate, what the hells wrong with you? Levy: Well... If we're going to die here today.. you might aswell know. Peasant: Yes? Levy: I love you... Peasant: Levy: Oh my god! Peasant: What now? Levy: Those Cuman mercenaries.... Peasant: What... Levy: THEY HAVE TELEKENTIC POWERS! Peasant: What.. the hell... Levy: Quick! Rush to meet them! Peasant: OH GOD NO! Levy: What?!?! Peasant: It's the WELSH!!! AND THEY'RE WELSH MIMES! Peasant: This is to the death! Prepare to fight for you life mate! Levy: I SHALL PROTECT YOU FOR ALL TIME MY LOVE!!! Peasant: Please just stop that... *5 seconds later* Hakki: Right men! All on William! William: Prepare to die you bastard! I wanted to enjoy my life looking at a godamn flag but no! Hakki: Tell us where the lion emblem is, and i'll let you live. William: Never! YOU SHALL NEVER KNOW! Ooh a penny! *5 seconds later* Hakki: Hmmm.... now where would an English dreadlord hide a priceless & sacred object? Bob: Uh, this note might help. Hakki: What note? Bob: This note on his body... Hakki: *Reading* Dear fellow Englishmen. If you're reading this i'm dead (if you killed me, then I shall smite you down with lightning! PEWPEWPEWLASERKITTY). Anyways, I gave the emblem to the Irish. No-one would think to find it there, and they're never going to go anywhere with it. Bob: Ireland? Ok... Hakki: Right... but let's just butcher the rest of this idiots country first. I don't want his bloodline continuing if he keeps his best kept secret on a note pinned to his chest. Narrator: So, the Cuman goals were set. However, both parties were headed different ways. Asim was mindlessly trekking north with every other officer and all the horse archers. He probably took the tactic of "KILL RAPE PILLAGE" a bit too far. Still, the Cumans were doing alright, and they found a new gullible sales market in the French. Narrator: Meanwhile, Dursun had discovered he could actually spy on this Cardinal! And decided to keep doing it until he was actually a decent spy. However, Aston called in the "crew" Priest: SMITE THE INFIDEL!!! Dursun: Ooh! Can I spy on you guys to? Priest: SMITE! SMITE YOU WITH MY SMITING STICK! Dursun: You guys are full of win! And so's this town! Priest: AHH!! THE IFNIDEL MADE AN AWFUL JOKE! SMITE HIM QUICKLY! Narrator: And so, Asim and his many random blokes on horses rode northward, maiming the hell out of every English town they came across. Narrator: Eventually, York fell. The defenders decided on a the common tactic of "hiding in the town square and not moving", which was a tactic the Cumans excelled as countering, in a countertactic known as "shoot the living daylights out of them". Its also worth noting the origins of the "Hiding in the town square and not moving tactic". Whenever these Generals were kids and were scared of monsters in the cupboard, they'd hide under a bedsheet. This was more or less the same thing, except with the bedsheet replaced with an open plaza and monsters replaced by drunk barbarians with bows and horses. Whatever it's origins, the plan failed miserably. Asim: Hell yeah! This tactic owns! Munir: You mean the infamous KRP movement? Asim: Yes! We're invicible! Let's continue northward and kick the hell out of these English bastards! Narrator: Ofcourse, the true course of Cuman geographical knowledge shone through. Naturally, there were no more English settlements of note north of York. However, Asim was having such a great time maiming these Westerners that he couldn't have cared less even if he knew. *A few months later* King Mael: Och no! The english are invading! Wait... thats not the English... ah crap! King Mael: Quick! Messenger! Messenger: Instant random npc at your service! King Mael: Get Wallace back from Norway now! We need his help! Messenger: But that's not Wallace.. its just someone who stole his model. King Mael: Just fetch the guy! He's all we've got! Narrator: Ofcourse, Fake Wallace was having problems of his own. The Norweigans had pushed him back a few tiles and he was on the brink of destruction. Fake Wallace: WALLACE SMASH!!!!!! Norweigan General: Captain. What's the scouter say about Wallace's power level? Norweigan Captain: It's over NINE THOUSAND!!! Norweigan General: WHAT? NINE THOUSAND?!?! Norweigan Captain: Nah i'm just pulling your leg, he sucks. Norweigan General: Then why's noone gotten rid of the bastard! He's annoying the **** out of me! Norweigan Captain: Because we're lazy sodds who like to sit up in the north corner of the map and do nothing all game? Norweigan General: THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT! Narrator: With the Cumans maiming both the English and the Scots, the Irish thought it a good idea to engage in diplomatic relations with them. Refusing to fall into the Cuman scam of trading decent settlements for crap buildingless settlements, they instead opted to buy the crap the Cumans had for 10k florins. And get trade rights to boot. Ofcourse, Cihiang... whatshisname didn't know the Irish had the Lion Emblem, and thus didn't ask. A slight stroke of bad luck there. Narrator: Meanwhile, the Scots were getting their asses kicked by autoresolve against horse archers in a siege. Definetly not a high point of their civilisation. King Mael: I don't have much time left *panting*. Is a ship on it's way to Wallace? Advisor: Yes my liege. Is there anything else? King Mael: Tell my son... Advisor: Yes? King Mael: *dying* tell him... Advisor: Yes? King Mael: ...that... I... always... Advisor: Yes? King Mael: ****ing hated him. *dies* Advisor: So, a royal family that hates each other and the only hope is a guy impersonating someone who hasn't even been born yet... I picked the wrong job. Ship: HANG IN THERE WALLACE!!!! Fake Wallace: WALLACE HANG ON!!! Ship: That... just plain sucked. Fake Wallace: Fine how about... WALLACE WISHYWASHYBOOGALOO!!! Ship: .... Narrator: With the British Isles in chaos, the mainland wasn't better. Catholism succeeded in it's Crusade against itself. Narrator: With the English pissed that someone else beat them to something, they decided to join in the Cuman maiming of the Scots. Narrator: Ofcourse, the Cumans were too busy with their KRP tactic to even notice them, and they just blitzed them as they did everyone else. The new Scottish King died a turn after being coronated, again to the shameful disgrace of autoresolve. *Meanwhile, outside Winchester* Dursun: *Disguised as a Guard* Hehehehe... Aston: What are you laughing about? Dursun: Oh, just how the best spy in the world has been here besides you for the last year or so. Aston: What? Dursun: Didnd't you notice im a spy? God you're an idiot. Aston: HOW DARE YOU TAKE THE LORD'S NAME IN VEIN? Dursun: Eh? Aston: THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU *****! Dursun: You cannot kill me! You're a priest! Aston: I have the warmonger trait. Dursun: Ah crap. Narrator: Naturally, none of the Cumans cared, Dursun was useless anyway. What was much more exciting was the massive battle going on outside Inverness. The Scots chose to make their last stand on the open field... against mostly horse archers... Narrator: Naturally, with the two previous King's dead, the Scots had got desperate for successors. Prince Eogan was this desperate attempt at adopting an heir... ofcourse, he had mastered the idiots book of tactics. Domnall wasn't the brightest tool in the shed either (god knows how he got 6 command stars, but Vsevold had 7, and he was an even bigger idiot). Now, if any budding General's are watching, this battle provides a nice transcript of how NOT to face a horde of barbaric horse archers. Narrator: Step one on Eogan's road to victory, was to engage the Cumans with a single unit of light cavalry... who were promptly shot at. Narrator: With the failure of the first unit, Eogan decided to send another for kicks. When that also failed miserably, he decided to come up with a new tactic. Do whatever they wouldn't expect you to do. This meant... standing still and getting shot at. Narrator: With this plan resulting in failure, he decided to go to another plan. To do what the Cumans would be expecting, a full on charge. Narrator: Ofcourse, none of that mattered as another idea floated into hsi head. He decided that the unit best suited to take down the mercenary pikemen was... himself. Narrator: Ofcourse, this made the entire force run away, quite promptly. Narrator: What made Eogan's death even worse is the fact that the pikemen that caused his demise were hardly experts at using their weapons. For example, they figured they'd be best suited dug into a hill. Narrator: Ofcourse, King Dommall was hardly King Dommnal the Chivalrous. Being 3rd in line to the throne and stuck in Inverness, he decided to invent genetic engineering, as he was really, really, really bored. As the SSS were already fully booked, he had to settle for a unit of border horse. Unfortunatly, he was pretty bad at it. King Dommnall: Have the mutant troops succeeded? Advisor: No.. they got mutilated just like everyone else. King Dommnall: Hmm, maybe I should just defeat these pikemen myself. Advisor: And end up like your adopted son? King Dommnall: Maybe I should just run away. Advisor: Good plan my liege. King Dommall: ****! A TREE!!! Herald: My lord! Our forces are losing the battle! Asim: What? Who the **** are you? Herald: Our men are tiring, and losing the will to fight! Asim: What the hell man, all their force is dead? Herald: The enemy is utterly vanquished! Asim: Make your mind up! Herald: This is a heroic victory!!! Asim: Excellent. Herald: Oh lord! We have lost half of our men! Asim: JUST SHUT IT ALREADY! AND WE HAVENT LOST HALF! EVEN IM NOT THAT BAD AT MATHS! Narrator: And so, the end had come for Scotland. Poor Fake Wallace was still in Norway.. doing WALLACE SMASH!!!! Or just random stuff with the word Wallace infront of it. Asim: Hmm, we're out of land. Munir: I don't think those guys were Engilsh either. Asim: Think we took the tactic too far? Munir: Nah! You've got a shiny new title and everything! Asim: Score! Narrator: Meanwhile, in the south, Hakki was getting pissed at not having a line yet, but also at Aston and his crew annoying the crap out of everyone. Hakki: Bob... Bob: Yes. Hakki: Why don't we just kill these guys? Bob: Hardcoded. Hakki: You were just dying to say that wern't you? Bob: Truthfully yes. Also, you can kill them, you've just got to move onto their square. Hakki: But they'll just run away... Bob: Think Hakki! Do what your brethren do not! Hakki: You know, would doing what my brethren would do work? Bob: As in? Hakki: Full on assault? Bob: I suppose... Aston: NO! SURROUNDED! THEY'VE EXPLOITED OUR ONLY WEAKNESS! Priest: What's that? Aston: Our ability to only move on 8 directions! *dies* Priests: OH GOD NO! THIS IS THE END!!! *dies* Hakki: Hehehehe... Narrator: It's also worth noting at this point, just how much the Khanate has ****ed up the world so far. Narrator: Yeah... it's pretty screwed. Ah well. It's not like anyone cared... Random Bloke: I did. Narrator: Shut up.... Narrator: With the English fully dejected at getting their arses kicked in by a bunch of nomadic barbarians, they decided to attack them the only way that didn't result in them being mowed down by horse archers, with ships. Ofcourse, since the Cumans hardly had a navy and didn't give a crap about their economy (which thus far relied upon sacking everything and hoping it turned out for the best), it did absolutely nothing to them. Narrator: Meanwhile, Hakki had marched his army up to Exeter. He made one slight change to the standard Cuman army, by bringing a unit of infantry. This was unheard of in Cuman military tactics! Narrator: As usual, the English decided to attack... with infantry. Narrator: However, on the eve of the battle... Gregory: YARRRR! I BE MERCILESS!!!! YARRRRR! Advisor: There's no point even planning for this is there? Gregory: YARRRR!!! I BE EVEN MORE MERCILESS THAN I WAS A SECOND AGO! YARRRRR!!! Advisor: **** this then. We're gonna die tomorrow anyway. *Massive Electrical Storm & Special effects to complicated for a cheap AAR happen* Gregory: YARRRR!!! WHAT BE THAT!!! *A completely naked man walks into the tent* Gregory: YARRR! WHO MIGHT YOU BE?!?!?! ????: Nice.. jacket... human... *The next day* Hakki: Right you lot, so you know what to do right? Dismounted Lancer: Err... no? Hakki: Just stand there, away from the rest of us, and don't move! Even if a massive English army appears out of nowhere and charges straight at you. Dismounted Lancer: Err... ok. Hakki: Right guys, operation human shield is go! Dismounted Lancer: What was that??? Hakki: Err... I meant... err... nothing! Dismounted Lancer: Err... ok Narrator: So, the battle started just as every other battle does. The Cumans filling every single enemy with arrows. Narrator: With the first force completely annihilated, they waited behind the "human shield" ready to face the true battle. Hakki's plan was in order to save the effort of running around constantly, he'll just put a bunch of spearmen 100 yards before his frontline. *Meanwhile...* Gregory: Charge!!!! Dismounted Lancer: OH GODDDD!!! THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE! Dismounted Lancer: RUN THE HELL AWAWY!!!! ARGHGG!!!! Hakki: Well.. that didn't last anywhere near aslong as i'd hoped. Bob: Well, it sort'ved saved your horse archers just a bit of effort. Hakki: Hmm, it seems Gregory is charging at me. Gregory: HAKKKIIII!!!!!! Hakki: Any information about this guy for me? Bob: Just that he thinks he's a merciless pirate and says yarr and the beginning of each sentence. Hakki: But he didn't say "yarrr" then did he? Bob: Hmm, strange. Hakki: Ah well, let's just kill him now and think why later. *Meanwhile* English Spearman: OH GOD! WE'RE ACTUALLY ROUTING A UNIT! Dismounted Lancer: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! *Back at the Hakki - Gregory showdown* Hakki: Bah! Just die will you!!! Gregory: PREPARE TO BE TERMINATED! Bob: Oh dear lord! Hakki! GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE! Hakki: What why??!?!! Gregory: Asta la vista, baby! Bob: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Gregory: Prepare to be terminated aswell Gandaruman! Bob: Not while I live! Gregory: Well.. if I terminate you you'll be dead so that condition is rendered useless. Bob: Fair point. Besides, I can't be assed to fight you. Gregory: Why not? Bob: Because, I have no physical manifestation in this campaign? Therefore I can just teleport away like this! *CYBER-NOISES* Gregory: Narrator: With Hakki dead, and Bob nowhere to be seen, the English decided to use the brief advantage they had in sending their entire army to chase the runaway infantry. Allowing the Cumans to regroup and revert to their common tactic of "shoot, run away, shoot, run away..." Gregory: YOU SHALL ALL BE TERMINATED! Cuman Captain: Quick! Fire on Gregory! Cuman Horse Archer: It's no use!!! His armour is blocking everything! Cuman Captain: NEW PLAN! Narrator: And so with that, the Cumans created the world's first "Where's Wally?" puzzle, only with Gregory instead of Wally. Cuman Horse Archer: ****! Out of arrows! Cuman Captain: Then there's only one thing to do. Cuman Horse Archer: CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!! Cuman Captain: Hell yes! We won even without that Prince whathisname... Narrator: Now, to events in the rest of the world. After the Muslims saw the immense fun Catholisism was having Crusading against itself, and the joy of the Cuman massacre of the British Isles, they decided to put a Jihad on the only other Norman nation. Narrator: Meanwhile, some random bunch of intellectuals decided to explore the Cuman religion. Ofcourse, the Cumans real religion was just cake, and no-one gave a crap about the actual Cuman gods. Only Tengrir was even remotly revered, mainly because random drunkards wielding bows on horses would spawn from any shrine dedicated to him. To be honest, these Theologian's where just fed up at having to work on the bible all day long. With the Cumans, they could just sit back and think about cake all day, and get paid for it! Narrator: Meanwhile, in Caernavon. Hugh: Ahh, what a lovely day to be the English Prince of Wales. Civilian: OH lord protect us! Hugh: Yes peasant? Civlian: The welsh are attacking!!! And they've breached the gates! Hugh: Quickly loyal men of England, let's rush to meet these invaders!!! Bodyguard: Brace for archer fire!!! Hugh: Prepare to die Welsh dog!!! Welshman: Our country shall never surrender!!!!! Hugh: Then your gravestone shall surrender for you!!! Hugh: Ahh, its such a joy beating off Welsh invasions. Now for my victory theme! Do de do de de de de de!!!! <insert bad version of FF victory tune>. Bodyguard: Err, sire? Hugh: Don't interupt my theme tune! Bodyguard: You might want to turn around sire. Hugh: WHAT THE HELLL!?!?!?! Asim: PARTTTYYY!!!!!!!!! Hugh: Ah crap! *stampeded over* Asim: Hmm, there's no lion emblem here. Munir: But we've searched all of England. Asim: Hmm... what to do...
Author: Musthavename Original Thread: The Cuman Cake Confederacy The Cuman Cake Confederacy Narrator: So, the Cumans, without the guidance of Hakki, set about looking for the lion emblem, completely unaware it was in Irelandm, as the only people who knew that were Bob, Hakki & his bodyguards. The latter two are ofcourse dead, and the former could only communicate with Hakki, as the rest of the Cumans were simply too stupid to understand what he had to say. This ofcourse meant the Cumans were effectivly stranded on the British mainland for the time being. Narrator: As such, they decided that the lion emblem must be like that coin that fell in the sofa. You just have to search every nook & cranny till you find it. So Asim & Munir, looking for any lead on the Holy Cake, set out to find it. Narrator: By the way, where the heck did Bob go? Bob: I'm here. Narrator: How the hell are you talking to me? I'm a frigging narrator that's in a parrallel dimension! Bob: I can make portals, remember? Narrator: Very well. So, what do you plan to do now Hakki's dead and the search for the Holy Cake rendered useless? Bob: I have my plans. I cannot afford to screw up history by going back in time and reviving Hakki again. Narrator: Didn't stop you screwing with it the first time. Bob: That's besides the point. Narrator: Anyway, who the heck was Gregory really? Bob: A terminator, sent by the machines from the future. Narrator: Is this why you had to save the world? Bob: Yes, I shall reveal it all now. In the future, when humans created robots, the robots eventually gained their own intelligence and rebelled against humanity. The humans then proceeded to block out their power source, the sun. Narrator: This is awfully familiar. Bob: I know. The writer's moulding Terminator & the Matrix into one and ripping them off. Anyway, with the sun blotted out, the robots completely and utterly annihilated humanity. So, they turned to the only source of energy they had left... cake. Narrator: Cake?!?!? Bob: Yes cake. However, cake was unsustainable. In order to survive, they needed, the holy cake, from which they could reproduce infinite amounts of cake. The only incidence in the entire universe energy can be created, i.e. in the form of cake. Without it, they would dwindle and humanity would rise from the ashes once again. Narrator: So Gregory? Bob: The holy cake was already taken way back in time by someone. Thus the machines sent a terminator back in time to kill the one who reached it. Hakki. Narrator: So humanity is doomed now? Bob: Not just yet, I have a plan, though, it'll take me several years. Narrator: So thats what, 5-10 turns? Bob: More or less. Narrator: Anyway, you want to go down the pub, i'm bored commentating on this? Bob: Sure, I thought yuo'd never ask. Narrator: I love you Gandaruman. Bob: And I love you to.. wait what??? Narrator: And so, the world around Britannia was for the first time in ages, at peace. England had reverted back to being plain old Normans, Scotland invented genetic engineering several centuries earlier, but got annihilated. And the welsh.. well, they wern't even a faction, so.. sucks to be them I guess. Well, a lot of Welshman died... as mercenaries, or as the cumans called them, arrow fodder. Narrator: And so, the English looked on from Normandy. English Captain: Crap! GET A PRIEST! GET A PRIEST! English Knight: What? English Captain: The Cumans have turned Winchester into the town of the devil! 666!!!!!! English Knight: Narrator: In other news, the sons of the Cumans were beginning to finally come of age. First was Munir's son Gunduz.. who was even dimmer than he was. Narrator: With such idiots at the helm, the Cuman economy was in complete disarray. It had relied on mindless sacking for generations, and now, stuck on an island without any ships, it had collapsed. The only other form of business was the banking sector in London, but that had collapsed because of bad debts coming from Aztec Temple mortgages across the Atlantic. Well, at least the Cumans thought no-one would screw up the economy in a similar way again, right? Narrator: The brighest Cuman minds set to work on a solution. They decided they would "spend" their way out of this economic recession, by building Ports, Farms and Shrines. Ofcourse, the Cumans just recruited more Horse Archers from their shrines, screwing their budget report up even more, so that didn't work. Narrator: With the largely Christian people suffering, heretics emerged... and they tried to convert... sheep. Heretic: I am the one true faith! Bow to me or burn in hell!!! Sheep: Baa. Heretic: HELLL!!!! Sheep: Baa. Heretic: Hmm, that isnt working, how to put this. You'll end up with some roast potatoes and some mint sauce if you don't repent. Sheep: BAA?!?!?!?!! *repents - Heretic Population Increased by 1%* Narrator: The Cumans then came up with a new plan, get someone else to fix it. So they decided to make peace with the English, who were so **** scared of the Cumans by now. Diplomat: Hail! Robert: DONT HURT ME!!! Diplomat: Err.. we'd just wondered if you'd fix our economy... Robert: YES YES!!! ANYTHING YOU SAY! JUST DON'T KILL ME! Diplomat: Er.. ok.. Robert: *wipes sweat* can you.. please leave now... and please don't kill us... Diplomat: *thinking on feet* Only for 5000 florins. Robert: 5000?!?! But that's... Diplomat: It's not over 9000 you twit. Robert: Oh okay.. just don't hurt me! Narrator: Shortly after, the Normans decided to form the Survivor's Assosiaction & Cuman Best Friends for Life Club. Ofcourse, the Cumans would just be happy with the 5000 florins. After all, they had no ships to go onto the European mainland with. Narrator: Meanwhile, this week on Jihad watch, the Moors decide to add a bit of colour to central Europe. Also reinforcing the General consesus among Cuman minds that ships were useless, as no-one else used them either. Narrator: Ofcourse, the Cumans were now out of recession. However, the effects of the recession were indicated in the Royal Education system, Gunduz was now beyond idiocy. Don't ask me how he has 8 loyalty either. Narrator: Likewise, the misuse of time-travel and the ignoring of paradoxes opened up a hole in the space-time continuim. Ofcourse, this was only small enough to screw up Asim's youngest son's scroll. Narrator: So while the Cumans contemplated the horrors of these "Heretic Armies nobody should see", it looked like the entire Khanate was on a general spiral downwards... and then... Hakki's sons came of age. Narrator: Trained by Bob in the arts of war, they provided the perfect balance between genius, and also a person able to actually communicate with the Cumans. Ofcourse, the rest of the Cumans just thought "hmm.. they're Good". Narrator: Meanwhile, totally devoid of sacking mindlessly (and totally devoid of cake), Asim turned to a dark moment in his life. Asim: Tshisss stuupiddd osseeeaan.... Diiiiiieeeee!!!!!!! *5 seconds later* Asim: Meee luvsh yoo big bloo wet thing... yeahhh..... Narrator: The rest of the world wasn't doing much better. Especially if you were Portugese. After having the daring to exist before they should do, the Spanish began putting them to the sword. Narrator: Likewise, the Muslim world was in no position to take advantage of the Catholic's predicament, mainly because they had turned the attention of a Jihad onto a volcano. Turk: DIE! INFIDEL! Persian: JIHAD! JIHAD! Turk: Ouch! Volcano hot!! Persian: JIHAD! JIHAD! Turk: Oh shut up... Sicilian: Why didn't you dumb ****'s just use ships and get this over with... Turk: Because this guy insisted on running around going Jihad. Sicilian: Weirdos... *Meanwhile - In Ireland* Irish General: Ahh, wait a fine day laddie. Irish Captain: Right so. Irish General: Ah look now laddie, some fine blokes are coming down the pub with us. Asim: I WANSHH MORE DRINKSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!! Irish General: Oh feck.... Nail: Hmm, I take it grandfather got our boats. What did you tell him to do? Ragib: Oh... that if he wants his drink problem to go away he'll have to kill the Irish, as they are the drinking nation of the world. Nail: Good plan. Good plan indeed. Now, to showcase great invention the Scottish had stashed in Edinburgh. A lot better than their stupid genetic engineering on border horses. Ragib: Hmm, what is it? Nail: Oh, you'll have to wait until the next update. Ragib: You bastard... Narrator: And so, with a crazed pyscho drunk old man on a mission to destroy the Irish, it seemed their predicament wasn't exactly a good one. How the Irish would beat two full stacks of Horse Archers I dont know, consdiering the English and Scots both lost to one. Narrator: Outside Dublin however, Hakki's sons were readying their swords for first blood... then again... all they had to do was maim the High King of Ireland. Nail: Behold! Our secret weapon we stole off the Scots in Edinburgh! Cuman Engineer: Err... what's it do.. Nail: Don't you know? You're the one manning the thing! Ragib: You forgot to train them didn't you? Cuman Engineer: Actually... i've just forgotten... Nail: Look, just push the big frigging button that says "FIRE" on it. Cuman Engineer: But why would I want to set myself on fire? Nail: JUST PUSH THE DAMN THING! Cuman Engineer: Woah woah, chill out dude... I have life insurance manning this thing right? Nail: Yes, you're covered if the trebuchet spontaneously combusts and kills you all... Cuman Engineer: Ok then... Cuman Engineer: HOLY ****!!!! Nail: Well...thats the walls gone... now move it up and target the High King & his bodyguard. And use those rotting carcasses we gave you. Cuman Engineer: I think.. I missed... Ragib: How... did you miss by... the entire length of the town... Cuman Engineer: JUST SHUT IT OK! I'VE NEVER AIMED THIS THING BEFORE! Ragib: Fine.. but since we're out of carcasses just use the great balls of fire again... High King Brian: OH GOD! THEY HIT JIMMY! AND THE ****ING PUB! THOSE BASTARDS!!! Random Bloke: He had arms.. and legs.. and his name was BRIAN!!! High King Brian: Who the **** are you laddie? Random Bloke: The life of Brian!!! High King Brian: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?!?! Random Bloke: Is going to end in one second. High King Brian: What? Bodyguard: Ah crap... we're... ****ed Nail: Too easy. Ragib: Now to finish these sodds off. Ragib: You know.. I just thought of something... Nail: Yes? Ragib: Now that you've maimed Brian.. how the hell are we going to find the emblem... Nail: Let's just look in their pub. Ragib: But you burned it down... Nail: I only burned down one pub. The other 99 buildings in this city are pubs and still standing. *After several hours of pub crawling* Nail: Huzzah, we have the Emblem, and what's more, we have "The Book of Kells". Ragib: Which is? Nail: It seems to have a giant picture of some... cake on the inside. Ragib: THE HOLY CAKE?!?! Nail: Annoyingly, this'll take some time to translate. Ragib: Why? Nail: Because it was written by drunken Irishmen? Ragib: Fair point... but how did you know it was the Book of Kells? Nail: It says so right here in my scroll. Ragib: Neat! Narrator: So, as Nail and Ragib had found the Lion Emblem in Dublin, in Cork, there was much more brutal thoughts on people's minds. Asim: YOU BASSHHHTTAAARDDDSSSSSSs! YOO GAVESSS ME THISS DRINKSSSS PROBWEEMMMM!!!! DIEE!!!!! Narrator: Yes, the new Cuman BFFL club decided that they would help out their drunken nomadic friends. After all, they still hated the Irish. With Asim drunk.. Munir took command of the battle. Munir: I've got a plan... Advisor: That's unusual for you. Munir: I've just discovered i've got a split personality aswell. Advisor: So, you're now in a remotly intelligent mode? Munir: Yes. Oh, look, it's our good friends the English! Irish Peasant: They're battering down the gates captain! Irish Captain: We can't let them get their hands on the Guinness laddie. Let's brace for when the gates come down!!! Irish Peasant: **** THAT! THOSE BASTARDS HAVE POINTED STICKS ASWELL! Welsh Merc: What are you English doing here? Engilshman: Oh, just helping the Cumans take the city. Welsh Merc: But... they conquered the majority of your Kingdom, massacred your people and killed your King & Prince! Englishman: Yeah but... You have a point actually... Welsh Merc: Back ontopic, care to go in first? Engilshman: Yeah alright, it's not like we're going to die. We are English after all. Munir: Ok everyone, take a break. Let's see what these English pansies can do. Engilshman: OH ****! THE CAPTAINS DEAD!!! HOW!!! HE WAS ENGLISH!! Asim: WHERSSHH THE BATTLEE SONNN! Munir: Who the hell keeps giving him drinks anyway... Asim: NO-ONESHHH GIVIN ME DRINKSSSS... I'VE GOT MY TITLE NOW SHOO IM PERMA DRUNKSSSSS. Munir: Ok... *Meanwhile* Engilshman: OH GOD ITS A ****ING BLOODBATH! WHERE THE HECK ARE THE GODAMN CUMANS! Englishman: Cmon guys! We make our stand here! Longbowman: Why the hell did we even stand a chance... Englishman: Well, we managed to rout one unit of Cumans so we should be able to sweep these Irish. Longbowman: I hate you.. Advisor: Er... Prince.. the English have routed? Munir: Already? God, they lasted longer against us. Alright lads, let's clean up. Englishman: WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU HELP US! Munir: We did... Englishman: Yeah, but not until we were almost all dead! Munir: Look, we never said we were coming in early. Heck, we never even said we were coming in at all. Englishman: Why the hell would we maintain our alliance after this? Munir: Because if you turn on us, what remains of your pitiful nation will get maimed by two stacks of horse archers. Englishman: We don't have a choice do we. Munir: No, you don't. Narrator: So Asim, seeking to finally destroy the Irish and rid himself of his drink problem, pressed on to the last Irish holding in the Emerald Isle at the Castle of Galway. Unfortunatly, due to the Irish being complete idiots, they decided that despite Asim having nothing but Horse Archers and being unable to breach the castle, they would meet him in the open field. Narrator: The first wave wasn't even worth mentioning. Believe me... If you really want to know, go back to a previous battle and replace all the English / Scottish bits with "Irish", and you have it. In short, they got maimed. Narrator: Rather like the Scots, the death of two High King's in as many turns left a complete idiot on the throne. High King Donal: I AM THE HIGH KING OF THE WORLD! Advisor: You mean Ireland... High King Donal: THE UNIVERSE!!! Advisor: Great... we're doomed... High King Donal: WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE HUMMING NOISE HEATHENS! Munir: What kind of a frigging battle cry is that... High King Donal: I REALLY SHOULDN'T BE HERE! High King Donal: DON'T YOU RUN AWAY FROM ME! I'LL SET THE PINK ELEPHANTS ON YOU!!! Munir: Well... that was the lamest battle ever... Asim: What the hell just happened... Munir: You're sober again? Asim: Hmm, must mean the Irish died. Munir: How the hell did that make your sober. Asim: Meh, the writer couldn't be assed to keep writing drunken lines for me. Asim: Who the hell are you two? Nail: We're Hakki's sons. Asim: So what the hell happened to Hakki? Ragib: Err... didn't you know he died against the English? Asim: WHAT?!?!? Munir: WHAT?!?!?!?! Nail: Err.. yeah.. that was two updates ago now. Asim & Munir: *FILLED WITH RAGE!!!!!!!!!!* Ragib: Er... maybe I shouldn't have said that. Asim: HE MAY HAVE BEEN A CRAP SON WHO DIDN'T FASCINATE OVER CAKE BUT NOW THE ENGLISH MUST DIE! Nail: Er.. what about the Holy Cake? Munir: I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT ANYMORE! VENGEANCE WILL BE OURS! Ragib: Don't say it! Asim: Oh i'm gonna say it! Nail: Oh god... the English are dead... Asim: KILL!!!! RAPPEEE!! PILLLLLAAAGE!!!!! Narrator: Meanwhile, in a shop in London, that conviently dealt in Mercenaries. Customer: I wish to make a complaint. Shopkeep: Yes? Customer: It's about this Slav Mercenary I bought from here the other day. Shopkeep: What's wrong with him? Customer: He's dead. Shopkeep: They die easily in battle you know... Customer: But he hasn't been in a battle. He's been like this since I bought him yesterday. Shopkeep: Oh! That's just because he's sleeping! Customer: But he has no pulse! Shopkeep: Nah, he's just sleeping. Before I sold him to you I fed him with some burgers & chips, they always sleep after that. Lovely plumage. Customer: What the **** do you mean by "lovely plumage"! Look, it's dead! He's only standing up becasue you stuck a huge sheet of iron behind his back! Shopkeep: Look, if you're going to get so stressed out about it. I'll give you a replacment, but all we've got are Welsh Spearmen. Customer: But, they suck. Shopkeep: Not as much as the Slavic blokes. Customer: That's besides the point. Just give me a refund. Shopkeep: Look dont have a go at me! I never wanted to be a shopkeep. Customer: Let me guess, you wanted to be a lumberjack? Shopkeep: Why the **** would I want to be that? I wanted to be... Customer: Yes? Shopkeep: A SPANISH INQUISITOR! Customer: I didn't expect that. Inquisitor: NO-ONE SUSPSECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! King Robert: Ahh! It's our good friends the Cumans! How can we help you? Asim: I expect you to die Mr.Bond. Die!!! King Robert: Come again? Asim: DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! King Robert: Don't you dare.... English Knight: Too late... King Robert: Cmon guys!!! What happened to our BFF for life club? Munir: YOU KILLED HAKKI DAMN YOU! King Robert: Well... we were at war? Munir: So? King Robert: Err... he jumped on our spears? Asim: Ah alright, fair enough. King Robert: Phew... Asim: Wait a second... what the hell am I thinking, even i'm not that stupid! King Robert: Oh... crap *EXTERMINATION* English Captain: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU GUYS! LEAVE US ALONE! Asim: DIE DAMN YOU! DIE!!! *EXECUTION* English General: BRUGES! I shall protect you! Bruges: *silence* English General: CMON BRUGES! I LOVE YOU! DON'T GIVE UP NOW! Bruges *silence* English General: So you father my children and then silence!!! English Captain: I don't even want to think about that... Asim: DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *SLAUGHTERED* Asim: DIE TOWN!!! DIEE!!!! Bruges: Thank you for killing that weird pyscho of a General. He frigging made love to me damnit! Asim: What.. the hell... now i've got even more reason to kill you. A talking town that was raped by an English Knight.. Bruges: No! Let me live! You'll love what i'll do to you... Asim: Hmmm... interesting... Munir: DAD! Asim: Okay okay.... DIE!!!!!!! *ANNIHILATED* Narrator: Meanwhile, on Jihad watch... Persian: JIHAD! JIHAD! Moor: Can't we just kill this Sicilian blocking the way? Seljuk: Out the godamn way! Sicilian: USE SHIPS DUMBASSES! Asim: DIE!!!!!! French Governer: Wait wait! We're not English! Asim: You're not? French Governer: Non non non! We hate ze English bastards just as much as you do. Asim: You do? French Governer: Look look! Let's be friends, and i'll show you the English! Asim: You will? French Governer: Oui! Asim: That's not very nice. French Governer: God, the writer's desperate, that joke's so old. I mean yes. Asim: Oh... great! French Governer: Theyr'e just over there, keep going until you see the faction destroyed message. Asim: DIE!!!! Munir: FOR HAKKI!!!! Priest: NO! SPARE US DAMNIT!!! Engilshman: LET US LIVE!!!! Narrator: Meanwhile, the rest of Europe set aside fighting Jihad's off alone if you're a Sicilian... Sicilian: HELL YEAH! WE'RE WINNING! Persian: Jihad! Jihad! Eygptian: Shut it damnit! Narrator: Or if you're anyone around the Baltic, drawing dodgy maps and forming weird trading leagues. Walter: SAVE US DAMNIT! Cenab: I have an offer from Nail & Ragib Ozbek. Walter What's that then? Cenab: Look. They both hate the French, and they know it wasn't you who killed their father. Walter: It wasn't? Cenab: I won't go into details. They just told me what to tell you, I don't understand anything about diplomacy really. Walter: Ok, so their offer is? Cenab: You accept a ceasefire, i'll call Asim off, and set him on the French. Walter: Why the French? Cenab: Doesn't everyone hate them? Walter: The writer's English isn't he? Cenab: Yes.... Walter: Well, i'll agree to that, if it saves our skins. Walter: So, how the heck are you going to call them off? Cenab: Easy. Khan!!! Asim: KILL!!!! Cenab: The french have cake! Asim: THEY DO!!! Munir: OH MY GOD! CAKE!!! Asim: LET'S GET THOSE BASTARDS! French Governer: Oh, you lot came back? Er... what are you doing... French Governer: Ooh la la!!! French Governer: Well, at least it can't get any worse now. French Advisor: You might want to scan south a bit... French Governer: Ah... crap. Narrator: Meanwhile, back in Ireland, Hakki's sons had cracked the Book of Kells. Nail: Finally... Ragib: So what's it say? Nail: Well, the sword is an emblem that was in posession of El-Cid. Ragib: Valencia? Nail: Yuppers. Ragib: But, Asim's already blitzing France. Nail: Meh, we can handle this without him. Ragib: The others? Nail: Well, the Cross is in possession of the Pope. And the Crescent isn't known here, it just says some Muslim bloke has it. Ragib: And the small pin like thing? Nail: Says it's from Antioch, but not much else. Ragib: Strange. Hakki must have missed it in his alternate universe. Narrator: So, as Nail & Ragib set about training a new force to blitz the Aragonese, the world continued to change. The Seljuk Turks were blitzing the Persians, and the Templars are... STILL ALIVE??? Hugo: Hmm, they're attacking Antwerp. Do you have a plan advisor? Advisor: Well, normally i'd say to help the garrison. However, the Cuman army is ill suited for siege and much favour's an open field battle. Hugo: So you're saying we should attack them and draw them out into a field battle? Advisor: What? No! The cumans will make mincemeat out of us! Hugo: Hmm, I like minced meat. Advisor: It's just an expression! Hugo: Shut up! I've made up my mind! I shall have my minced meat! TO BATTLE! Tartar Soldier: Hmmm, so our one unit is meant to hold them all? Tartar Captain: No problem at all! Tartar Soldier: You do realise that Dismounted Tartar Lancers, i.e: us, where the first non-mercenary unit to ever rout for the Cumans? Tartar Captain: So? By the way, what does "Spear Fodder infer?" Tartar Soldier: I so wish I bothered to say goodbye to my wife. Ah well, never liked her anyway. Asim: Scout report! Scout: The French have several units of Knights. Asim: Hmm, heavy cavalry. How to kill it. We got any stakes? Scout: You expect horse archers to be able to plant stakes? Asim: Well, yes. It's my army and i'll make it do what I like! Scout: Well, they can't. Asim: In that case, **** it. French Knight: Haha! You Cuman Peasants! Asim: How dare you. French Knight: You don't scare me you nomad pansie boys! Go boil your bottom, you son of a silly person. Asim: That's not very nice! French Knight:I don't wannt takl to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries! Asim: Ok, let's kill these bastards. Hugo: Excellent! My plan to draw the Cumans into a melee is working! Advisor: Err, you forgot one fatal flaw. Hugo: Yes? Advisor: That tactic only works when you can taunt BEHIND a wall. Hugo: Nonsense. Hugo: Ah crap. Advisor: Don't worry my'lord! One unit got through, those Horse Archers will be in chaos! Cuman Horsearcher: AH CRAP! WHAT DO WE DO! WE'VE NEVER HAD THEM REACH US BEFORE! Tartar Lancer: WE'RE GETTING MAIMED! Tartar Lancer: Wait, who the hell's saying that? ????: IT'S ME! GOD! Tartar Lancer: No it isn't! ????: Ok, i'm just the random herald that splurges random crap every 5 seconds. Tartar Lancer: Ok... i'm going to run from this battle now... Tartar Captain: So this is the way out? Tartar Lancer: Yes i'm sure! Just look at that big friendly blue mass! Oh crap.. Narrator: Meanwhile, on the other side of the battlefield. Raoul: Remind me again, why did we leave Antwerp to face these guys on the open field? Advisor: Because Hugo's an idiot? Raoul: Yes, but why did I come out here? Advisor: Hardcoded. Raoul: Can't we like, go back to Antwerp? Advisor: Nah. We have to get maimed out here so they will then take the castle without a siege. Raoul: *Meanwhile* Cuman Horsearcher: EAT LEAD MOTHER****ERS! Cuman Captain: Err, since when are our arrows made of lead? Cuman Horsearcher: Should I try another quote? Cuman Captain: Go ahead. Cuman Horsearcher: I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THESE MOTHER****ING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHER****ING PLANE! Cuman Captain: What? Cuman Horsearcher: How about.. THIS IS SPARTA! Cuman Captain: The author just wanted to sneak those in somehow right? Cuman Horsearcher: .... Cuman Horsearcher: We're out of arrows! Asim: New plan! French Sergeant: Hmm... they've stopped firing. French Spearmen: Err... they're charging at us. French Sergeant: Oh, they're just trying to surrender as fast as possible. French Sergeant: OH GOD! IT'S HORRIBLE! Raoul: Better join the battle at last. Advisor: We're going to die right? Raoul: I guess so. Advisor: Err.r. want to... err, do it before we go? Raoul: In this armour? I'd rather not. Advisor: Yeah, I spose you're right... Raoul: Wait a second, what the hell? *Meanwhile* Tartar Spearman: Come on Samwise! We need to take the ring to Mordor! Tartar Captain: Wait... what? Gollum: MY PRECIOUS!!!!! Tartar Captain: OH GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT! Tartar Spearman: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! *Meanwhile* Raoul: You guys could help!!! Spearman: But can't we stay in a nice defencive formation? Raoul: God... I so wish the writer had picked France aswell. Damn this AI. Asim: He picked me instead. LOSER! LOSER! French Minister: So, what do I have to report to the King? Scout: They've taken Antwerp. French Minister: Well, at least it can't get any worse. Scout: Err, this came from Rheims. French Minister: Damnit. Well, at least we have time to reorganise our defences. Scout: Err.. you might want to rethink that. French Minister: Bastards! Well, at least we're safe here in Paris with the Cake Factory. Scout: You really like to tempt fate don't you. French Minister: What do you mean? French Minister: GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Heretic: Told you you should have repented infidel!!!! French Minister: Heretics aswell! Godamnit! Heretic: There's Winston Churchill dressed in drag. He used to be a British Flag! Plastic bag! What a drag! French Minister: Oh god.. my life has officially turned bonkers. Narrator: The Cumans took note of this new weird generation of Heretics stealing dodgy 70s song lyrics. And so invented a new priest to combat this. The Michael Jackson Fatty Priest. High Priest: YOU KNOW I'M FAT! I'M FAT! Merchant: HE'S REALLY REALLY FAT! Narrator: Likewise, I leave you with Olly and Jihad watch. How's things Olly? Olly: PALERMO'S GETTIN RAPED! Narrator: Thanks Olly! Persian: JIHAD JIHAD! Sicilian: WE'RE ALL DOOMED! HIDE IN THE MINESHAFT! Fatimid: I come all this way, and i'm going to lose Palermo to a dodgy blue coloured bloke who can only say Jihad... Persian: JIHAD!
Last edited by Astaroth; February 27, 2009 at 12:04 PM.
Author:Musthavename Original Thread: The Cuman Cake Confederacy The Cuman Cake Confederacy Narrator: As the Cuman War machine pounded the French into Oblivion, everywhere else in the world was shocked at the sheer power of the Cuman forces. It seems these barbarians that conquered Britannia where fast becoming the biggest threat to the civilised world since the Huns... and it didn't seem the problems would end if Asim kicked the bucket... after all, he was an idiot, and the Khanate was maiming the world. Think of what would happen if it was ruled by someone... sane??? Narrator: The English set to work. Dominating trade in and out of... Groningren.... they ammassed thousands of florins. Don't ask me how, but they did. Narrator: So, much to the shock of the French, Paris fell. And the Cumans promptly set about ruining the jewel of the French Crown. Narrator: So, as the French love to do... they surrendered... but surrended in a way that they could at least make the best out of. Raynald: Ah! King Louis! Your awake! Louis: They don't call me Louis the lazy for nothing. What did I miss? Raynald: Well, the Cumans hold half of France. Louis: Come again? Raynald: We're being conquered. Louis: I guess I have to do everything around here. Give me command of the army, i'll rebel these pagan scumbags. Raynald: Excellent m'lord! Louis: No man can best me!!! Raynald: Crap, we're screwed. Louis: Why? Raynald: The cuman army besieging us is commanded by Nu-Man. That's close enough to No-Man. Louis: Louis: THIS MAN WILL DIE Nu-Man: WLARFKSADIKASNDASONSDNKMDNWQ LIJHDLJNBSDANSAD Louis: What the hell? Nu-Man: JLNSALDNWUNDLWINADLJWDNIJNA,SJDNLKNSAD Louis: No! Don't do that, NOOOOOOOOOO! Nu-Man: JNIKNJAKSNDKMNWPWKERWELRNMV IJNWKMLQ,MSD Narrator: The Cumans couldn't ignore such a military genius, and so, adopted him. Narrator: Unfortunatly, it seems his weird way of speaking was caused by seven hundred and eighty four tumours in his arms, and so, his career was pretty short lived. Narrator: Meanwhile, on Jihad watch, Palermo had fallen into the hands of the bloke who could only say "JIHAD"... wait a minute, the Sicilian's have won? How the **** did that happen? Sicilian: Yay!!! Narrator: Ofcourse, one problem was immediatly replaced with another. The Venetians had developed the amazing tactic known as "make loads of short stacks and get them to follow each other to avoid ever getting lost". Narrator: Now, with most of France in their control, the Cumans were now the most powerful nation going. An embarrassing fact for... well... the rest of the world. Narrator: Meanwhile, in a field in Normandy. ????: *horse sounds* Priest: Who be that? ????: I am ARTHUR! KING OF THE BRITAINS! AND MY HORSE IS RIDDEN LIKE THIS! A STAFF THROUGH MY LEGS! Priest: What the hell... Arthurian Heretic: I bring news for your masters! Priest: Yes? Arthurian Heretic: THERE'S COCONUTS IN MERCIA! Priest: We're only interested in cake mate, we shant worry about coconut cake yet. Arthurian Heretic: There's a new power, developing... a power big enough to cause a threat to the Holy Cake itself? Priest: And when's that happen? Arthurian Heretic: In about 5 minutes... *Meanwhile - In Antioch* Slav Mercenary: YES! A LINE! WE HAVEN'T HAD ONE IN AGES! Slav Captain: Yes readers. Our services have reached Antioch, and finally, we've stopped dying! ????: Hey, you guys want some burgers? Slav Mercenary: YES! YES! WHAT DO WE DO? Slav Captain: Wait, we've fallen into this trap before. What kind of burger's are these? ????: Beef. Slav Captain: Works for me, what do we do? ????: ALL OBEY THE HYPNOCRESCENT! Slav Captain: What? ????: You get free dental aswell. Slav Mercenary: OOh, what do I do. ????: Just touch my hand and want it. Slav Captain: This isn't some kind of gay-orgy is it? ????: You know what I mean damnit. Slav Mercenary: Oooh... - ALL OBEY THE HYPNOCRESCENT Slav Captain: Ahh crap... Antioch's going to boil over about... now... Antioch Populace: ALL OBEY THE HYPNOCRESCENT! OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES! Knight: Damnit! Help priest! Cardinal: THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! Antioch Populace: THE HYPNOCRESCENT IS ABOVE YOUR CHRIST! OBEY! OBEY! WE HAVE FREE DENTAL! NOTHING CAN STOP US! Knight: It's tempting... Cardinal: NO! DON'T FALL FOR IT!!!! Narrator: Meanwhile, back in the civilised world, Aragon could smell French blood. Nail: Hmm, a line, this hasn't happened in a while. Ragib: Yes... strange... Advisor: M'lords. Nail: Yes? Advisor: It seems Cantebury had a Cathedral, and an Archbishop, that has since been murdered. Nail: But it's a pagan region.. Advisor: I know, but historical events are basically ****ed now. Narrator: The French now, were on their last legs. Narrator: And the HYPNOCRESCENT began to spread. Rebel: ALL OBEY THE HYPNOCRESCENT! Kiev Bishop: In Soviet Kiev, Hypnocrescent obeys you! Rebel: Hmm, nice take, but i'll stick with what i've got. Narrator: In wake of Heretics, Hypnocrescent and... the French... the fat-priest invasion was launched onto Mainland Europe. Narrator: Meanwhile, was the true master of the hypnocrescent revealed? Lord of the Forest: SOON! THE WORLD WILL BE MINE! Rebel: ALL OBEY THE HYPNOCRESCENT! Persian: How are you the lord of the forest, you've got 3 ****ing trees! Lord of the Forest: IN MY MIND IT'S A FOREST GODAMNIT! Narrator: However, it seems, despite getting maimed, the French lived on... because of a Cuman Estate Agent scam some 20-30 turns earlier... Narrative: With France "owned" to put it bluntly, the Cumans were enjoying life for once. Meanwhile, as Asim and Munir had buggered off from the British Isles and left Hakkis two sons, Nail & Ragib in charge, they had since become prosperous... too prosperous. Narrator: With that system in place, the Cumans now had a different side to their military, besides just shooting at anything that moved ontop of a horse. While new forces were worked on, set with the task of recovering the remaining 4 emblems, things could only get better. Asim: Ahh, i'm the greatest general the world has ever known!!!! Munir: No your not.. you had horse archers... Asim: Then everyone else should have used ****ing horse archers damnit! Munir: Fine, whatever keeps ya happy. Asim: Now, we need to push on and recover the Holy Cake... nothing can stop me now... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! *RANDOM NUMBER GENERATOR* Asim: What the hell does that mean? Asim: ****. Munir: Sweet... i'm Khan!!! Advisor: Khan, what are your orders!!! Munir: Let's sit and wait in Marseilles! Advisor: .... Munir: It's exactly what people won't expect! I'm brilliant! Narrator: Ofcourse, Asim not annoying the crap out of the rest of the world was probably beneficial anyway. Ofcourse, it meant that the new Prince however meant the Cuman Empire wasn't really something that could stand the test of time.. for now obvious reasons. Narrator: Meanwhile, deep in Anatolia. Rebel: NOW - THE HYPNOCRESCENT'S TRUE PLAN CAN BE LAUNCHED Imam: Die infidel! Kievan Captain: In Soviet Kiev, Infidel kills you! Rebel: NOW, THE INLAND LAKES ARE BELONG TO US! Rebel: YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME Imam: How the heck does that help you infidel? Rebel: HAHAHA - FOR GREAT JUSTICE *Back in Ireland* Nail: Ahh, the armies are almost complete. Now, we are the most powerful nation going. Ragib: Sweet... Messenger: LORDS! Nail: What is it? Messenger: A CRUSADE M'LORDS! Ragib: Damnit, the one thing that could stop us. Messenger: No, its not against us m'lord. Nail: So, Catholisism doesn't give a crap that a pagan nation now controls the biggest Empire in Europe? Messenger: No sir. Nail: Guess they're trying to take back the Holy Land then. Messenger: You better look at this then sir. Nail: Against the Moors then... well, its an improvement over the Crusade on Frankfurt. I mean, a Crusade against Catholics, well, at least they're not stupid enough to do that again! Messenger: Not exactly. Ragib: No wonder we're winning... everyone else ****ing hates each other. Narrator: Meanwhile, in other news, Heretics mounting attacks on world's islands. *Meanwhile, across the Med* Tripoli Rebel: ALL OBEY THE HYPNOCRESCENT Fatimid General: Why forsake us?!?! We have THREE crescents. Tripoli Rebel: Yeah, but this ones bigger, and green, and has a star. Fatimid General: You know, I never thought of it that way. Tripoli Rebel: You get free dental aswell! Fatimid General: Ooh, maybe I should join... WAIT A MINUTE! Narrator: Meanwhile, the Cumans were having a nicer time. Cuman Priest: Conga conga conga! Roman Merchant: How did you get planning permission to do that! Cuman Priest: Come again? Roman Merchant: Roman Law decrees any gathering of five or more people a riot unless proper planning permission is granted by filing a slightly red, slightly pink form. Cuman Priest: But, we're not in Roman territory. Roman Merchant: *grumble* Cuman Priest: ****ing Roman party-poopers. Narrator: With the priestly parties in full swing, the army was finally complete, and was setting sail for Spain. Lead by Nail, Ragib and... another guy who the writer couldn't be bothered to find out his name. Other Guy1: AMAGAD HAI OTHA GUY 2 Other Guy2: AMAGAD HAI LOL Nail: Something tells me we should split from those two. Ragib: You know, I agree with you. *Meanwhile - In the Cuman Equivalent of Heaven* Asim: Where am I? Hakki: The Cuman Equivalent of Heaven. Asim: Well, can I have some cake then? Hakki: Well, we're all out... Asim: All out, but almost no Cumans have ****ing died, we've had next to no casualities in all those battles. Hakki: Not eaten by Cumans. Asim: Who then?!?!?! Slav Mercenary: MMMM CAKE! Asim: How are they even in our equivalent of heaven? Hakki: Writer got lazy and wanted a cheap joke and hadn't mentioned those guys for a while? Hell, I haven't had a line for several updates but he'll give them one, and they don't even have names! Asim: But you're dead... Hakki: So? I'm me! Asim: Castillan: Damn Aragonese! Aragonese: Damn Castillans! Other Guy1: HAI EVERY1 Castillan: What the ****? Aragonese: Screw you! Get your own conflict!!! Other Guy1: WE BE FRIENDS K? I CAN HAS CASTLE YES? Castillan: What, no! Get lost! Oh crap... Nail: Damnit, this force is huge. Advisor: Yes, and i've just realised. Nail: What? Advisor: We have no counter to heavy cavalry at all. Nail: We've got stakes! Cuman Soldier: AND COOL LOOKING HELMETS! Cuman Soldier: Just look at how ****ing epic we look!!! Cuman Horsearcher: YEAH!!!!! Scout: M'lord, the enemy's main force is to the rear! Cuman Soldier: Hah! You said rear! Nail: So, we have to move from the stakes? Scout: It would seem so. Nail: So, we now have lost our only counter against heavy cavalry. Scout: Yes. Nail: Well, at least the AI won't have the intelligence to use it. Scout: They have several units of mailed knights. Nail: Crap. King Mendo: DIE YOU PAGAN DOGS! MY COLOUR SCHEME BEATS THE PANTS OFF YOUR HELMETS! Cuman Soldier: That's not true!!! King Mendo: And when I kill you, i'll take your helmets, and win the entire game at once with my coolness! Die you dogs! Nail: Crap. Why didn't I bring spearmen. Advisor: Our best spear unit is Dismounted Tartar Lancers... they're basically a bit better than Spear Militia. Nail: Thanks for the reminder. Cuman Horsearcher: EPIC LOOKING REAR CHARGE! Cuman Soldier: Ha! You said rear! Nail: King Mendo: You may have won this day, but i'll be back! And i'll get to be a reccurring character! And then your helmets will be mine, all mine! King Mendo: Now, to hide in that grass! They'll never find me. Nail: You forgot, you're wearing bright orange... King Mendo: Damnit! I knew ditching camo for orange was a bad idea! Nail: Well, thought I was going to die like Hakki was for a second. Narrator: Meanwhile, the Cuman command of Nail & Ragib had well planned this out. They had swiftly taken Toulouse, Pamplona, Zaragoza and had Barcelona besieged. They knew that the Aragonese would redirect the bulk of their forces, currently engaged with the Moors, back up North, so they simply had to hold the bridge and wittle down their numbers... though, they didn't count on "the other guy". Other Guy: HAI I CAKMAK! I CAN HAS CASTLE YES? Aragonese: GET LOST DAMNIT! Narrator: Ofcourse, Cakmak was widely known as the best pre-battle speaker in the entire Khanate. Cakmak: HEY PPL! I CAKMAK AND U FRIENDS! SINCE WE R WELL 1337, WE CAN HAS VALENCIA, BUT DEY DONT WANT DAT. SO IF WE CAN HAS VALENCIA, WE CAN HAS HOLY CAKE, WHICH B GOOD. SO LETS GET THEM! Cumans: YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! WE CAN HAS CAKE!!!!!!!!!! Idelfonso: Do de do, sitting in my cool colour scheme, do de do. Gregorio: Damnit, why do I have to lead the small insignificant wave of troops that they'll decimate without any losses and draw our big army out of Valencia so the Cumans can take it without a siege. Advisor: I don't know. Cakmak: HAI I CAKMAK! Gregorio: What the?!?! *5 minutes later* Idelfonso: Karma-karma-karma-karma-chameleon... you come and go.. you come and gooooo! Gregorio: RUN DAMNIT! THAT GUY'S A MANIAC! Idelfonso: Eh? Coward. We're wearing orange, yellow and black, we can't lose, we look too cool! And they don't have their badass helmets this time! Idelfonso: Now, let's get this Cakmak... heh, the fool is coming to us. Cakmak: HAI I CAKMAK! YOU DIE AND I CAN HAS CAKE!!! Idelfonso: What the hell?!?!?! Idelfonso: GET CAKMAK NOW DAMNIT! HE'S DESTROYING MY ENTIRE ARMY!!! Cakmak: HEY FRIENDLY WHITE KNIGHTS! YOU BE CAKMAK FRIEND! HERE! HUG MY LANCE! Knight: ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Idelfonso: Time to die Cakmak! Cakmak: WHY YOU NO LIKE CAKMAK!!! Idelfonso: Because you killed my ****ing army! That's why! Cakmak: CAKMAK JUST WANT TO BE FRIEND! Idelonfso: DIE! Cakmak: CAKMAK ONLY WANTED TO BE LOVED! Cuman Soldier: Oh my god, they killed Cakmak! Cuman Horsearcher: You bastards! Idelfonso: Surrender now, you're General is dead. Cuman Soldier: IT'S PAYBACK TIME! Idelfonso: Ah... crap.... Cuman Soldier: Let's never forget Cakmak... He was a man of chivalry, valour and honour! Whenever we look down in despair, remember his battle cry... "HAI I CAKMAK!!!!!!" Narrator: Meanwhile, the Crusade against Catholisim had be won... by the Hungarians. Meaning they now controlled Hungary, the Steppes in the extreme North-East, and Silves in the extreme South-West. Narrator: Ofcourse, the small matter of the emblem was yet to be resolved, as Nail & Ragib reunited at Valencia. *In El-Cid's tomb* Nail: Found it! Ragib: Excellent, so we have the Lion, and the Sword. Nail: So now we just need the Cross, Crescent...and the pin shaped object. Ragib: Where was the Crescent again? Nail: It just said it was in the hands of the most Devout Muslim. Ragib: And the Cross is with the Pope yes? Nail: Yes. Ragib: Well, I guess we set sail for Rome then. Nail: Well, first things first, let's sort out Iberia. Ragib: I have an ingenious plan. Nail: Well, let's make peace with Aragon first, that's obvious. *Meanwhile - In Marseilles* Messenger: Khan, I bring word of the battle of Valencia, in which brave Cakmak lost his life, only wanting to be loved. Munir: That's it, I must spread love to this world! I must get the world to stop hating each other! Messenger, send word to the Michael Jackson Fat Priest Squad. Messenger: You mean the MJFPS? Munir: Needs a better abreviation but yes. Messenger: Send word for what! Munir: Tell them... to go to Rome... and preach about Cakmak's valour! Messenger: Done. Munir: Wow, that was quick. Nail: So, your ingenius plan? Ragib: Let's give our Spanish lands to the English in exchange for Gronigen. Nail: And that helps how? Ragib: Well, despite being at peace, both Castille & Aragon hate us. So we put the English, who are still **** scared of us in the middle. Gives them someone to fight, and ensures we never have to give a crap about that border! Nail: Wow... that... actually is a good idea! Englishman: SEE! THE CUMAN BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE CLUB REALLY PAYS OFF EVENTUALLY!!! Nail: Now... to ROME!!!!!!!! *Meanwhile - In the Cuman Equivalent of Heaven* Hakki: God... i'm bored now. Asim: Yeah, no cake... and you're crap at Monopoly! Hakki: Hey, you're fudgnig the dice rolls every bloody time, cheat! Cakmak: HAI I CAKMAK!!!!! Asim: This lasts for eternity right? Hakki: Yup. Asim: So much for eternal paradise. Cakmak: CAKMAK LIKE YOU GUYS!!!!!!! The Penultimate Update Munir: Now is the time to enact the BETTER plan! Advisor: As opposed to staying at Marseilles! Munir: Yes! I will now copy an internet fad! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! *Meanwhile - In Venetian Territory* Banker: La la la.. lovely day Banker: *stunned* WHAT HAPPEN!?!?! Militiaman: Somebody set us up the bomb. Militiaman: Hmm.. we get message. Munir: *outside* How are you gentlemen? Munir: All your base are belong to us. Munir: You are on the way to destruction. Banker: What you say? Munir: You have no chance to survive, make your time, eat some cake... actually don't eat the cake, i'd like some. Munir: Ha ha ha ha. Cakmak: HAI I CAKMAK! Banker: What happen?!?! Munir: Surrender your cake to him, it will be easier yes? Munir: Wait a second... you're dead.... Cakmak: CAKMAK MOAR POWAHFUL THAN U CAN IMAJIN! Munir: Screw this, let's kill Venice... FOR NO APPARANT RAISIN! Banker: Reason... Munir: FOR GREAT JUSTICE! Banker: Can't we... negotiate??? Munir: You fools! Prepare to be crushed by Diplomacy! Cakmak: CAKMAK CAN HAS DIPLOMACY YES? Munir: Look! You're dead! Just get lost! Cakmak: CAKMAK SAD NOW. Munir: Now where was I... yes... CRUSHED BY DIPLOMACY! Banker: Er... no. Munir: Crap. Did I remind you you'll get free dental? Banker: I already have health insurance you idiot. Besides, look what that scam did to Antioch.. AGAIN! Templar: Why... won't... you... DIE!!!!!!!! Narrator: Meanwhile, several miles outside Florence, it seems the war with the Papacy was about to kick off. An ambush was sprung... Kemel: Scouts, what of the enemy force? Scout: Does "Stupid AI" count as an answer? Kemel: More important question now... Scout: Yes? Kemel: How did we ambush these guys? Scout: Well... we were well hidden. Kemel: We're a cavalry army... and we're on a wide open plain... Scout: Er... very well hidden? Innocentius: Damnit! Where the hell are these Cumans! These arrows are coming from nowhere! Popeguy: THAT CORNER OF THE MAP! I SEE THEM IN THE DISTANCE! Innocentius: Right, let's head off in that obscure direction! Kemel: Who the hell drew that? Cakmak: I MOAR POWAHFUL THAN U CAN IMAJIN! Kemel: Cakmak! You must have been ordained some kind of God! Cakmak: CAKMAK CAN RITE ON PIKTURE! Kemel: Cumans! Cakmak is with us today! Have at them, and remember his battle cry... "HAI I CAKMAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". Innocentius: Something invisibile is attacking me! Kemel: Are you blind damnit?!?! Innocentius: I can hear and feel him but I can't see him! Help! Somebody! Popeguys: Damnit! Where are they! *runs past* Kemel: HAVE AT YOU! Innocentius: No! Go away spirits! NOOOO! Popeguys: I FINALLY SEE THE CUMANS! Mercenary: Damnit! I thought we wouldn't be made into spearbait in this corner... and they still choose to run towards us instead of the horsearchers!!!! Mercenary: RUN AWAY! Popeguy: The Cumans have erected an... invisible wall... ****ing hax! Popeguy: THERES THE CUMANS! Other Popeguy: Crap! Arrows hurt! Cuman: Kemel! We're out of arrows! Kemel: Friends! We have been blessed by Cakmak this day. What would he have done in this situation? Cuman: Mindless suicidal charge? Kemel: Exactly... ready your swords! Cumans: HAI WE ALL CAKMAK!!!!! Kemel: Sweeeeeet. Narrator: The Cumans were perplexed. Was Cakmak some kind of God? Was the writer getting lazy and out of non-Cakmak related jokes? Probably the latter, but the Cumans decided they better just kick the Venetians and Papacy's ass in. Nail: Gah! How has Rome not rebelled yet. It's like 90% pagan Ragib: Stuff waiting... let's finish this! Narrator: The Pope was a man of the cloth though, and peace was his priority. He met with a small contingent of bodyguards with Nail & Ragib, in the hope of saving Rome. Hadrianus: What do you maniacs want anyway? Nail: We want the Cross emblem. Hadrianus: So you heathens know of the Holy Cake. Nail: This is like the 18th or so update, how the heck do you not know that we know? We're called the Cuman CAKE Confederacy if that wasn't a big enough clue! Hadrianus: I warn you, unearthing the Holy Cake will unleash horror upon the world. Ragib: The real horror is if we don't open it. Hadrianus: I see you have made up your mind infidel. May Allah have mercy on us all. Ragib: Wait.. Allah?!?!?! Nail: I've finally figured it out. The Pope holds both the Cross.. AND the Crescent. Ragib: You mean the Pope is the most devout Muslim?!?!? Nail: Where have the two Crusades been declared on so far... Ragib: Other Catholics.... wait a second... Hadrianus: You are fairly smart for an infidel. The two emblems are indeed in the Cathedral in Rome. They shall be there. Though heed my warning, you will unleash destruction on the world. Nail: Don't bother going back. Hadrianus: Eh? Ragib: I'll just start the battle now. Hadrianus: You cannot defeat my small garrison so easily?!?!? Ragib: Oh yes I can. *Pushes Autoresolve* Ragib: Four out of Five emblems... now we only need the small pin shaped thingy. Nail: It seems the Book of Kells refers to it as being in Antioch though. Ragib: Well, other than heading there now, I see no other leads. Let's go!!! Narrator: Ofcourse, going was all well and good, but Medieval Europe was so ****ed up now, to put it bluntly. The Papacy elected a new home... in a rather obscure place. Narrator: Who the heck wrote that?!?! Cakmak: CAKMAK CAN HAS ATHENS YES? Narrator: You're frigging dead! And stop writing on the damn pictures! I don't know how you're doing it but stop!!!! *Silence* Narrator: Only Antioch remained. Little did the Cumans realise, they already held the small pin shaped object, as Bob had pointed out to Hakki, while he still lived, before porting into an alternate universe and completely stripping the writer of any credibility he had left. Regarldess, Antioch was all that now remained. Cakmak: HAHAHAHA! Narrator: *Meanwhile - In the Cuman Equivalent of Heaven... AGAIN* Asim: How the heck did Cakmak get these random powers... and we don't? Hakki: Because, you remember Star Wars? Asim: Yes... despite the fact that it hasn't existed yet. Hakki: Obi Wan Kenobi said "If you strike me down, i'll become more powerful than you can possibly imagine". I'd imagine for some strange reason this applies to Cakmak. Asim: Why only him? He a frigging Jedi or something? Hakki: Nah, people just find him funnier than us. Asim: Cakmak: LOOK HOW MUCH CAKMAK'S FRIENDS BUGGER UP WORLD! COMING DECEMBER 24TH 2008 The Cuman Cake Confederacy Conclusion [Sidenote] The AI during that battle really was that bad. It completely ignored ALL my horse archers and directed it's entire army to the Mercenary Spearmen i'd just stuck in the corner out of the way. (Their only purpose is to man battering rams so I can autoresolve sieges). Even when I charged their General all those spearmen just walked past everything. Narrator: When our "Heroes" arrived in Antioch, it was a warzone. The Templars had taken Cyprus, but since the Hypnocrescent took control of Antioch, the Eygptians had crushed Damscus and Tortosa. They lasted way too long for their own good anyway. Nail: Ah, here at last. Now we only need to find the fifth emblem and the cake is ours. Ragib: Just glad it's just us two, without anyone else screwing this up. Munir: HAI GUYS!!!!!!! Ragib: Guess I spoke too soon, ah well, let's kill these sodds. Messenger: Khan! A message! Munir: Isn't this a bit pointless now? Messenger: THE ENGLISH HAVE WON A WAR! Munir: What?!?! That's impossible! Messenger: No sir, look! Munir: Sucks to be them I guess. Nail: Look, can we just get on with what we came here to do? Munir: My pleasure. Messenger: Another message. Munir: LOOK! IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE! Munir: They missed the party, sucks to be them. Rebel: ALL OBEY THE HYPNOCRESCENT Munir: Screw this *Autoresolve* Rebel: NO! MY ONLY WEAKNESS! Narrator: After searching the city over and over again, they still couldn't find the fifth emblem supposedly in the city. So they were just left waiting for a break. Narrator: Ofcourse, the world was well and trully completely screwed up right now. Narrator: Meanwhile, somewhere in the Khwarzemean Shah. Mongol Khan: What the hells this black thing? Mongol Soldier: I'm guessing that's the edge of the world. Mongol Khan: But, isn't our Empire that way? Mongol Soldier: OH GOD! WE'RE ALIENS! Mongol Khan: Gah, seems we showed up toolate here anyway, another Khanates kicked the world's ass already. Narrator: Back in Antioch however, Munir, Nail & Ragib went for a walk. Nail: Why the heck are their Pyramids here? Munir: Doesn't make sense does it. Perhaps the emblems in there. Ragib: For once, you're thinking logically. Nail: Hang on, I think I hear something. Slav General: THERE'S THOSE BASTARD CUMANS! HOW'D YOU LIKE IT NOW HUH?!?!?! Munir: OH NO! AMBUSHED!?!?! Ragib: How the hell did we get ambushed... in a wide open desert... when these people have bright green & red shields? Nail: Look, it happened last chapter for us, it's going to happen this chapter against us. Nail: Guess we'll just run away now... Munir: NO! SUICIDAL CHARGE FTW! Nail: God you're an idiot... Munir: CRAP! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! Nail: There's too many of them! Munir: And we're the only ones left, we can't defend Antioch against these guys, they're crap but there's thousands of them! Ragib: We've got to kill them now, but how?!?! Nail: I have an idea. Ragib: What?!?! Nail: Bob told me to use this when the time was right... he said Hakki found it in Antioch in that alternate universe. Ragib: Show it to me! Munir: God... what a cheap ****ing joke. Nail: Right, he just said to pull the pin out and throw it. Ragib: THROW IT DAMNIT! Slav Mercenary: HAHAHA! VENGEANCE IS OURS!!!!!!! *HALLEJUJAH!* Slav General: What the hell... ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! Nail: Well, that worked... Ragib: Wait.. the pin you pulled out! It's the emblem! Nail: God... how did I not see that coming... Ragib: One thing, if this is from another alternate universe, why's there no HHG in this one? Munir: King Arthur, whoever he is, stole the damn thing and proceeded to make a movie. Nail: Look, let's just go and bloody open the thing, the holy cake is ours at last, and the world will be saved!!! *Few hours later, inside the chamber* Munir: I don't get it, where the **** is the cake? Nail: Well, I suppose cake degrades over time, it's probably all gone. Ragib: That's not a proper ending... Munir: GAH!!!!!!!! Narrator: At that point, Munir slammed the wall, and a hidden passage opened. Munir: Well, that's a cop out and a half. Ragib: LOOK! THERE IT IS! Holy Cake: MUHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA! Munir: The cake... it can... talk!!!! Holy Cake: Yes mortal... and you have freed me from my eternal prison. Nail: What the hell's your story anyway? Holy Cake: I was a birthday cake for Jesus on his first birthday. Some idiot got God and Satan a little confused and made me a rather Unholy cake. Jesus though called Chuck Norris into existance, who roundhouse kicked me into this crappy prison. But now i'm free.. and my power has built up over all these years, not even Chuck Norris can stop me! Nail: Crap, the Islamic Pope was right! Holy Cake: For freeing me, i'll give you the pleasure of dying last, mwahahahahahah!!!! And i'll destroy you're capital of London first!!! *5 seconds later* Holy Cake: NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW! NOTHING!!!!! Cakmak: HAI I CAKMAK! Holy Cake: What the hell?!?! Cakmak: CAKMAK MOAR POWAHFUL THAN U COULD POSSIBLY IMAJIN! Holy Cake: Well, your grammar is pretty weak. Cakmak: CAKMAK WORKIN ON DAT! NOW PREPARE TO DIE! Holy Cake: Let's make this interesting! *After hours of intense fighting too graphic to be described in a crappy piece of writing like this...* Cakmak: HAVE AT YOU!!!! Holy Cake: NO! A GLOWING GREEN SWORD! MY ONLY WEAKNESS! Cakmak: The cake is a lie... *****! Holy Cake: I'm taking you, and all these other characters in this AAR with me!!!!!!! Munir: Damnit! And just as soon as i'd found some cake!!! Holy Cake: PREPARE TO BE STORED IN AN EVEN CRAPPIER COMPUTER UNIVERSE! MWAHAHAHAHA!!! Munir: Where the hell are we... Cakmak: CAKMAK'S POWAHS ARE GONE! Munir: Wait, Cakmak's alive?!?!? Hakki: Yes, it appears I am aswell... which is good for me. Wheres Nail & Ragib though? Munir: Seems they're not here... and we've... aged back.. Hakki: How the heck is Cakmak here though... *Cakmak disapears in a puff of logic* Munir: DAMNIT HAKKI! I SEE YOU ALIVE AGAIN AND THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS GET RID OF CAKMAK! Asim: Where the heck are we, this place is a mess... Hakki: Hey, seems we're in water somehow... Asim: Oh for god's sake, I was thinking this story would have an end! Not drag on to another ****ing game... what kind of weird plot devices does this bloke think he could pull?!?! Musthavename: You get guns and cake... be grateful. Asim: Do I?!?! Yippee! Hakki: In that case, stay tuned until Empire is released, where somehow, yet more dodgy plot devices will occur to fit us into the Empire Universe. Cakmak: HAI I CAKMAK!!! Asim: WE KNOW!!!!!!! *The End... for NOW*
Last edited by La♔De♔Da♔Brigadier Graham; January 15, 2010 at 05:43 PM.
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[AAR] M2TW: Cuman Cake Confederacy
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