[AAR] M2TW: Kievan Rus': Try hard Comedians, Kings & Soldiers

[jimkatalanos]

Original Thread: Kievan Rus: Try Hard Comedians, Kings, and Soldiers
Author: Laconian

Kievan Rus: Try Hard Comedians, Kings, and Soldiers

Difficulty: VH/H
Mod: Stainless Steel 5.1

KIEVAN RUS'

The year is 1080 A.D and the major leaders of Europe are having a show and tell meeting at Frankfurt. The last to rise to the podium is Grand Prince Vsevolod of Kiev.

Vsevolod: Well I own a large Principality and I think I can be considered a major world power.
(hears sniggering in the background)
Vsevolod: Yeah as if you can Sancho of Aragon, you fat **********d. Alfonso of Castile and Leon and Yusuf of the Moors are just waiting to conquer you. Really I just can't wait someone conquers your ********n counry, you fat ******, so I don't have to see your fugly face again. Boyars lets blow this joint.

(On the way to Kiev)
Vsevolod: Advisor, why not I fit in?
Advisor: Do you want an honest answer.
Vsevolod: Of course I want an honest answer.
Advisor: Well, your a weakling who looses most of his battles and relises on his son to win wars for him.
Vsevolod: Hilarious. Well I know the truth. It's because I don't have a ********n entourage. Alexios has bloody Taticius and I have no-one. By pigs that fly, I will make a name for myself.

Vsevolod: I'll show those d**k heads to bag my country.Advisor, muster the army muster the army.
Advisor: Sire, there is no army.
Vsevolod: What are you talking about, you idiot, of course we have an army.
Advisor: No sire, your constant defeats have left us with less than 1,000 men.
Vsevolod: Flying pigs damn it. I guess I'll have to hire some mercenaries. To Caffa we march.


Vladimir: Father, I came here as soon as you summoned me what is the problem.
Vsevolod: The Aragonese dissed us at the show and tell.
Vladimir: Have we sunken that low?
Vsevolod: I want you to take the Rostov garrison and take thhose insolent rebels at Bryansk. And be careful, we our down to our last 1,000 men. Don't be a retard like your brother and drown during a battle. DO you understand me?
Vladimir: Yes, father.


Vsevolod: Dobrogost, I want you to go and I get us trade rights, map infomation and alliances with as many people. Especially the enmies of the Aragonese.
Dobrogost: Of course, master. I shall head to the Hungarians straight away.


Meanwhile, Vladimir has taken the garrison of Rostov to Bryansk.

Vladimir: Men, you are Kiev's finest soldiers.
Militiaman: More like Kiev's last men.
Vladimir: Our spy inside the city will open the gates for us. Charge men for victory and glory.
Militiaman: Knowing Kiev's luck more like defeat, death and humiliation.
Vladimir: Would you shut up, you d**k head, you are wrecking the army's morale.

The spear militia charge through the city gates and encouter the rebel spearmen.

As the battle rages, Vladimir and his bodyguards charge the enemy archers causing them to route. Meanwhile, the arhcers decimate the enemy horse archers while the spearmen hold off the enemy spearmen.

Vladimir's bodyguard charge the enemy spearmen and kill their general.

The enemy are killed to the last man and Vladimir is once again victorious. Unfortunately for him the annoying militiaman survived.

Meanwhile, Vsevolod prepares for battle in Crimea.
Vsevolod: Advisor, sit with me isn't it just a lovely day to sit in Caffa's hall.
Advisor: Yes your Majesty, we have won a great victory but I have something thing else to tell you. King Sancho send to a message.
Vsevolod: Spit it out.
Advisor: He says that you like choir boys. However, I do not understand what that means. I think he is implying that you like music.
Vsevolod: By fly pigs, those Catholic heretics are odd. Liking music must be considered primitive in their society. Anyway, show me the battle report.

Advisor: Sir, out dimpolats are reporting in from the field. We have concluded alliances with Russia, the Byzantine Empire and Venice.



And as part of our alliance with Russia Vladimir is getting married to Princess Evpraksia of Russia.

Soldier 1: What a lovely festivity this wedding is. Look even Grand Duke Vsevolod is here.
Annoying militiaman from Byransk: It's hard to tell who the man in the relationship is.
Vladimir: I heard that you d**k head. Can't you leave me alone on my wedding day.
Militiaman: It looks the wife is already winging.


Messanger: Lord, news has reached us the the Muslim Fatimids of Egypt have conquered Jerusalem:
Vsevolod: Say what! Fat men from Egyot have cornered Jerkey sellers.
Messanger: No, the Fatimids have conquered Jerusalem.
Vsevolod: Well, I guess I better get off my a** and do something. Advisor, muster the army, we are sailing to Sinope.

BATTLE OF SINOPE

Vsevolod: Men, the time for the ultimate adventure as come. Before us lie the riches of Asia. Men, this is an hour of glory and of VICTORY!
Axeman 1: I thought this city was called Sinope. So aren't the riches lying ahead of us Sinope's not Asia's.
Axeman 2: I think Vsevolod has finally gone crazy. Well you can't really blame him, I guess I'd be crazy if I lost as many battles as him.
Vsevolod: Axemen, man the batter ram and bring down the gate.

Vsevolod: Advisor, I have discovered why the batter ram is called the battering ram.
Advisor: And why is that sire?
Vsevolod: I guess I can't expect simpletons like you to know. Well, the rams used to have a metal ram head which was used to knock down the walls and that was taken from the rams who actually ram each other. So that is who we got the battering ram.
Advisor: Sorry, to interupt your rant but the axemen are taking heavy fire. I think we should help them.
Vsevolod: Oh, yes, send in the archers. Ahh, the gate is finally down. Cavalry CHARGE!!!

Axeman 1: God, I didn't become a mercany for this kind of job. First we had to knock down the gate and now we have to be the first to face the enemy.
Axeman 2: Oh , don't complain. I'm the one with arrow through the kidney and a javelin through my leg.
Axeman 1: Nice work, peg leg.
Axeman 2: Why I oughta. You just wait til the battle is over.
Axeman 1: look there's the enemy general. Come Peggie, lets get him.

Advisor: My Lord, the enemy general is dead. Let's finish off the battle.

10 minutes later

Vsevolod: That was a brilliant victory, advisor. What the hell is going on up there? What's the delay?
Advisor: It looks like there is a fight, sire.
Axeman 1: Come on, Peggie, catch me if you can.
Axeman 2: You wait you **********d, when I catch up to you your s***wed.
Vsevolod: Gentlemen, what the hell is going on?
Axeman 2: He keeps calling me, peg leg and Peggie. But I guess I can't complain compared to all the **** you take. Is it true you got insulted by Sancho of Aragon? I served under him. He was a good general.
Vsevolod: Guards, take these men and throw in the prison.
Guard: What are they to be charged with?
Vsevolod: P*****g me off!
Axeman 1: We're in for one good time, Peggie.

Vsevolod: Advisor, new just reached me that the Patriach of Rome has declared a holy war against the Muslims. What should we do?
Advisor: We can't do anything because we not Catholics, d*****s. God, your the most annoying and stupid person in the world.
Vsevolod: Why must you hurt me in this way, advisor.
Advisor: 'Cause I'm sick of your dreadful specaled mug. I quit and going to offer my services to Sancho.

Advisor 2: Yo, man. I'm your new advisor. What's shaking? I just recieved news from our dimplomats and they have sealed come new alliances. By the way the name's is Bruce.


Vsevolod: Ok? Bruce, I'm going on an expedition to take Trezibond. You are to stay here with a small garrison and make sure that this joint does not revolt.
Bruce: Sweet, catcha later man.

BATTLE OF TREZIBOND

Vsevolod: Men, today we will show these rebels how to fight! To arms soldiers of Kiev and to victory!

Axeman 1: Hurry up, Peggie, we're on ram duty again.
Axeman 2: Please merciful lord, may an arrow hit this annoying man and give a painful death.
Axeman 1: Come on, Peggie, we moving.
Axeman 2: Would you shut up? If Vsevolod sees us we're screwed. Remember, we're still supposed to be in prison. I do feel sorry for those guards we killed. I was kinda getting to like them.
Axeman 1: Finally, the gates are down.

Axeman 1: The fighting is pretty intense. Would you like to go to the back, Peggie? It quite dangerous upfront. Or I have a better idea. Why don't you run to your mother.
Axeman 2: That's it you douche bag. When the second the battle ends is the second your life ends.

Vsevolod: Cavalry, the gates are ours. Charge!!!!!!

Vsevolod: Men, there is the enemy general. Strike him down.

Vsevolod: My boyars we have won a great victory today. Trezibond is ours.


Bruce: Yo, Vsevolod, I have arrived. I come with bad news. Our spy, Khotimir, got owned entering the Turkish city of Tbilisi. The Turks have sent us a painting.

Vsevolod: What a lovely painting, who drew it?
Bruce: I'm not sure man, but it is pretty good.
Vsevolod: Anyway, how could this day get any worse?
Bruce: Well, now that you're asking the Turks have declared war.

Vsevolod: Well that's pretty obvious. It was going to happen sooner or later.
Bruce: And why it is that obvious?
Vsevolod: God, you are stupid. We have been supplying weapons to the Kurdish rebels to fight against the Turks for years now. The group called themselves the Kurdish Workers Party or the PKK.
Bruce: What the ****? If their the Kurdish Workers Party, how can they be called the PKK. It doesn't make any sense man.
Vsevolod: Well, I didn't invent the name. Anyway, recently they have been raiding Turkish lands, so the Turks have mounted an invasion to destroy the rebels. But they have failed and now they want to destory us.
Bruce: Sweet, well a Turkish army in coming this way.
Vsevolod: I will muster the army and attack them. Anyway, what the hell is going on outisde.
(Outside)Axeman 2: Come here and I'll cut you to pieces, you *d.
Vsevolod: What the hell, I thought you guys were in prison at Sinope.
Axeman 1: Umm, you released us.
Vsevolod: I'm sure I didn't
Axeman 2: You did, I swear.
Axeman 1: Ye, Peggie's telling the truth.
Vsevolod: That's bulls***. Guards arrest these men.
Guard: What are they to be charged with this time, sire?
Vsevolod: P***ing me off again.

BATTLE OF PONTUS

Vsevolod: Bruce, I have decided to launch a night attack against the Turks. They night out number us but we are the favourite's to win.
Bruce: Whose favourites?
Vsevolod: Well the current odds with the Kiev Betting Service are 8:5. Anyway tell the men we fight.

Vsevolod: Men, I have no speech today. I have used up all the speeches in the Retard's Guide to Famous Speeches, so horse archers attack.


Bruce: Man, those horse archers are crackelating. They are owning the Turks.
Vsevolod: Cavalry, charge the Turkish infantry and sweep them off the field.

Vsevolod: Brucey, old chap, the battle is in our favour. I see the Turkish leader, I'm going to charge him and kill him myself.

Bruce: Man, that was hell of a good kill. You owned his a**. The enemy have broken and fled and we have won a famous victory.

Messanger: My Lord, I rode here as fast as I could. The Turkish Crown Prince is with a small force just over that hill. I suggest you engage him.
Vsevolod: What the ****. Don't I ever get a rest. Anyway, tell the men, that by the end of the day, the Turkish Sultan will be mourning, his fugly son.

Vsevolod: OK men, once again I don't have a speech as the public library was closed when I went so yeah, you'll have to wait for me to get a book. Anyway this is the plan. I want the spearmen to advance so they can draw out the enemy spearmen. Meanwhile, the cavalry will take down the enemy cavalry and then they will attack the enemy spearmen from the rear. Meanwhile, I'll draw the enemy general away and kill him.
Armenian cavalryman: Umm, I new and I was wondering what is the life inusarance policy?
Vsevolod: God, is this neccessary. Your families will received 4 florins. OK? Men, attack!

Bruce: Yo homie, the plans working the Crown D**k's bodyguard are coming after us.
Vsevolod: Brucey, retreat. I don't want anything to happened to you.
Bruce: What type of pot are you smoking man, I'm here to fight.

Bruce: Man, the fighting here is intense. And as they say at Maccas, I'm loving it. Anyway my man, the Saracen mercenaries have defended their enemies and are attacking the enemy General's Boduguard from the rear and the Armenians are advancing from the flank. It look like we're gonna win.

Vsevolod: Brucey, old chap. We've done it. We have captured that miserable Turkish *d.

Commentator: Good day, spectators and thanks for joining the Kievan News Station. And they're It like the race has started and the last remaining Turk is in the lead. Can the Turk escape?

Commentator: We just got news in that the last Turk was captured. Now, we have have Vsevolod here with us. Hello Vsevolod. What do you think of your victory?
Vsevolod: Well, I think we did well. We suffered few loses and captured the Crown Prince of Turkey. So I think it was a great success. Anyway I have to go now. Thanks for the interview.
Commentator: Cheers and no problems.

Vsevolod: Bruce I have decided to ransom the Turks. However, before I do I'm gonna blind Mustafa in one eye and blind one in every 4 Turks soldiers in both eyes and the fifth in one eye.
Bruce: Dude, the ****s wack. That's pretty tight. Are you sure you wanna do it?
Vsevolod: OK, I won't blind the soldiers but I'll ransom they and before they go I'll brand Mustafa on the back sohe will remember that one day myself or owm of my kinsmen will kill him relaliation for this attack.

THE AUTHOR DOES NOT MEAN TO HURT ANYONE WITH HIS WORDS!
Vsevolod: Men, the Seljuks are ****ing their pants. I have recieved news that the Turkish Sultan died of a heart attack when he saw his sons back. It is time to strike. We will go to Yerevan. I have recieved intellegence that there are 2 Turkish armies there. To war and to victory.

Lord Dmitiri: Your Majesty, the Turkish armies are approaching. Let us destory befpre the other reaches us.
Vsevolod: God, Dmitiri, can't you see I'm having a manicure. I guess I'll have to continue it after. Prepare the army, to abttle we go.

Vsevolod: Men, the library has finally opened so I have a speech. You brave men of Kiev, will water this arid land with Turkish blood. You will make the trees grow with fertilisers from the Turkish bones. You will.
Saracen mercanary: Can you get to the point?
Vsevolod: Thanks for ruining the speech douche bag. Anyway, the cavalry will flank the enemy while the infantry approaches from the front and the archers provide cover fire.

Dmitiri: My Lord, the flanking is working.
Vsevolod: Obviously, I thought up the plan.

Vsevolod: That was quick we made the first army rout in like 10 seconds. Is that a word record?
Dmitiri: I think so but I'll have to check Guiness.
Dmitiri: I'm sorry to inform you, Your Majesty, but it is not.
Vsevolod: The what is it and who holds it?
Dmitiri: Umm, 5 secs and the holder is Sancho of Aragon.
Vsevolod: Mother *r! Execute all the prisoner after the battle as I'm extremely pissed off.

Dmitiri: The enemy captain is dead, sire.
Vsevolod: (muttering) *n Sancho. Oh yes, good work.

Vsevolod: Men, the second army is here. Same plan.
Saracen mercanary: Isn't that predictable?
Vsevolod: What the ****? Can't you shut up, you show off?

Dmitiri: My Lord, the plan is worki..

(Dmitiri falls with a lance through his throat)
Vsevolod: You *ds, you killed Dmitiri. You'll pay for this!
(Vsevolod gains a berserker rage and cuts through the enmy lines until he comes face to face with Selim.)
Vsevolod: You'll die for what your army has done infindel!
Selim: Gobel, gobel, gobel.
Vsevolod: I see why your called Turks.
(With a lightening fast swipe of his sword, Selim head falls to the ground)

Vsevolod: ****, I broke a nail. Anyway I won a clear victory.

Vsevolod: Men, ummm, a Turkish army is approaching from the rear and we're trapped. So yeah, if we die it's not my fault.
Armenian cavalryman: What the ****? You tells us now?
Vsevolod: Just pulling your leg. But a Turkish army is coming from the rear and Yerevan's garrison is sallying.

Vsevolod: Everyone, we may be out numbered but the odds are in favour. This victory shall go to Dmitiri and for Brucey whose in a better place.
Soldier: Is Bruce dead?
Vsevolod: No, you retard, he's taking a nap at camp.

Boyar: What's the plan?
Vsevolod: It's usual. Infantry diversion and archer fire from the front and cavalry flanks. Though you would have thought that they would have figured it out by now.

Boyar: Ye, we're beating the enemy.
Vsevolod: Do you think this armour makes me look fat?
Boyrar: What the hell? This isn't the time.

Boyar: My King, we have captured that fugly bastard Abidin. He a waits you at the camp.
Vsevolod: Tell me the truth God damn it. AM I FAT!?
Boyar: You are a bit on the plump side but whose perfect.

Vsevolod: Boyars, we have own a good victory today. Now it's time to party. Let's go have a nice cup of tea and watch the Turkish prisoners be exectued.

Bruce: Yo, man I back and sizzling. But I do have some **** news. A Turkish army is approaching from the rear and they outnumber us nearly 5:1, so we should retreat. Also, war has broken out between the HRE and Poland. SO I was thinking **** the HRE and stay allied to the Poles. That will keep our borders secure.


Vsevolod: Bruce, we have been besieging Tbilisi for a while now. It is time to press an assault. Rouse the men and let's show the mother *r Mustafa the way to Hell.

Vsevolod: Mustafa's life is about to come to an end, men of Kiev. I owned his a** once before and I'll do it again. He is most probably **g himself right now. Armenian archers, attack and open the gates for us.

Bruce: Man, the gates are open. Let's kill those mother *rs.
Vsevolod: Cavalry, charge and take no prisoners but do take heads as by doing that you will be killing the enemy.

Bruce: **** man, the fightings intense. And Mustafa lets get him.

Mustafa: Gobbel, gobbel, gobbel.
Bruce: What the hell? Anyway hakuna matata and have fun in hell, d**k head.

Vsevolod: Woot, woot! Woot, woot! Mustafa is dead. Mustafa is dead. I won a clear victory.

Vsevolod: Ahh, Brucey, mate. Isn't Tbilisi a great city excluding all the destroyed building and the fire and the dead people in the stret.
Bruce: Man, a battle was fought at Trezibond.