Athenian gazette

[Deathbypepsi]

Athens Gazette still only 3 Athenian mnai! (4 in Thebes)

EXTRA EXTRA! DEMOCRACY DAWNS!

In a shock twist this morning, Cleomenes (that spartan rat!) attempted to take our city for his own! a likely attempt, but the proud athenian people (perhaps a little influenced by our wonderful gazette?) rioted beneath the acropolis and low and behold! we have been lead to a glorious day and our cities snake rests assured that from hence forth we alone shall be the masters of our territory! not the aristocrat, or the emperor like those crawling easterners! but the people, us, ladies and gentlemen! Our army now stands as a much prouder citizenry, commited to the defense of us and or beautiful athens! but what will this revolution mean for the indiginous people of this city? will freedom mean more makedonoi taking our jobs? or will it herald a brighter day for all?(cont. page 3.)

TARAS Takes Total Catastrophy!
3 days ago (a record for far off news)
the army of Taras was mutilated by the
Syracusians (led by mighty Isagoras) in
a huge battle by the foothills of etna.
dont know etna? neither do we! a
stomping 700 heavily armed, ferocious
Tarantines were beaten into the dust by
a mere 400 of our boys in syracusian
blue, however... (cont page 4)

'Ave you ever seen any like it?!
them barbaroi accross the agean, #
all defeated! New powers rising in
the east have shown us 'you dont
need a phalanx to be 'ard!' Even
the Ionians have had it bad!
we asked one of the purple princes
to comment but all he said was
'we must purge the lie from this
world'... any hints? write in with
your ideas to us over in eretria
street, love to hear them!



next week, full coverage of that battle
for thebes-artists impressions too!

any feedback? even if just mindless abuse... probably write another if i find out whats actually happening in my campaign at the moment but will have stories on the whole world, if a bit biased and over the top. just thought this would make a bit of a difference from your traditional AAR...

[Nergal1610]

Seems awesome. I personally find this kinda propagandaish' writing hilarious.

Keep it coming

[matricaria]

Nice Work maybe i make an AAR like yours if i dispose of CTDs

[zznɟ ǝɥʇ]

Damn, I'm in Thebes! 4 mnai!?!? Ripoff! :laughing:

Nice to see a change of pace!

[Deathbypepsi]

ARGOLIDS IN TRECHEROUS SHOCK!!! price: still 3mnai! (thebes, nobody likes you)
Now available in Eretria!

The sad day had finally arrived, one city of fair Hellas has finally decided to stab her sisters in places worse than the back. The trecherous, coniving, scheming sons of hades? ARGOS! They have given 'earth and water' (what happened to fire and air anyway?) to the Barabaroi accross the sea in a rediculous attempt to save themeselves! not like the brave athenians (im sure we were all there when that arrogant fool was sentanced...) and the glorious war winning spartans, our noble allies and brothers in arms gainst all enemies of freedom, kicked him down a well! possibly a bad move, didnt think about the water supply there and he did miss a great one line oppertunity after muttering 'madness?' but alas. But how shall these colaborators and kneelers (as if we would ever kneel to another man...) be rewarded for their decision? Spartan steel! right now an army of the finest men from a fine city is marching. who shall have the last laugh now, betrayer!

Taras, down but not out?
what do you do with a dead tarentine? Build a bridge out of him! Thats exactly what the mollosians did when italian imperial exploits were foiled AGAIN! they just cant seem to crack it can they? (an italian empire... whoever imagined such a thing!) After the barbaroi (who are a tad savage to say the least) literally tore apart the 'epilektoi hoplitai', as these so called elites are known, they proceded tho use them to build a bridge over a nearby river as a reminder. now this reporter is no fan of savages, but cant you just smell the ingenuity? or... is that the bridge?

In other news...
its been almost two weeks since we asked you all 'whats the point of makedon, really', and today we have an answer! our barbaroi correspondant, hoplitos aresa, decided to find out!
Makedon... hills, trees, huts... thats about it. Or is it? for here houses a brave people who for years have kept out a threat... a threat so savage and unpleasant, even the epidamnians think they're uncouth. The name of this horror? the Bessoi! a horde of unwashed, violent savages who glory in war, who live for it, raise their children for it and destroy their neighbors just to make a point. a horror indeed for us civilised greeks like athens and sparta!

readers sent in these answers on the latest in papayrus technology: Makedon? is that near Kyrene?
To annoy the Illyrioi
Well actually it depends on what you mean by point, if (as i do) you mean the exact spot where the kingdom was founded and now run from then it is the square in pella, however if you mean, in an attamptedly humorous way, the purpose? well in that case... (damn geography buffs... -ed).

And Finally
we here at the gazzette would like to make an appology. we did promise pictures of the battle of thebes. This is now delayed because the artist was lazy, and 'preoccupied'. i think we can all roundly condemn him as a traitor of freedom, and rest assured he will be a candidtate for exile this year.


sorry about the pictures, i couldnt get imageshack to work. it will be exiled as punishment.
again, any feedback? I quite enjoy doing these so ill probably carry on whether you want of not

[Jingles]

Please do, Its funny with or without pictures

[Deathbypepsi]

Hellas Under Assault! This special issue, free throughout greece, funded by the athenian government.

This is a public service announcement, funded by the elected representatives of athens on behalf of the athenian people.
Fellow greeks, free men of this glorious collective. We have had our differences and occasional wars, but now we must stand together or lose everything. Reports have come from our kyrenaic brothers, the tide of the persians and medes must be halted. The kingdom of Kemet has fallen and Ionia is seriously threatened. Though our soldiers are obviously far superior to those of the east, we must be alert. Argos questioned opposing the eastern barbaroi and was silenced in the manner of any right thinking greek. their city still stands! but Xerxes, the new (very very tall...) leader of the hordes, is determined to wipe athens (among others) off the map. Urge your government to rise up and join us. The corinthians have said yes, so have the spartans... how far will the enemy have driven us before you take up the spear and shield?
Hellas wants YOU!

Thankyou to the athenian government for that, and we shall hereby make it known that this newspaper shall never abandon the cause of freedom and democracy!

Meanwhile, in Eretria...
Sailors, explorers, general gullible interested persons, the new navy needs you! In the great task of building a force capable of delivering an even easier victory to the people of hellas, Athens has commisioned a navy and every young man capable of pulling an oar is required. Or so the government would say! Here at the Gazzette, we have discovered that true athenians need not take to the foetid life of the sea (not that we oppose in any way the workings of our glorious leadership or their efforts to secure athens, notwithstanding the construction of naval forces or any auxilliary armed forces with or without athenian help). Why not? i hear the true, honorable patriots cry. well friends because there is no need! the navy of the persians is rumoured to be in the thousands of triremes but thats all lies! We tell you this as true supporters of the athenian cause and want to make it very clear that the land army needs building up. completely. we have this on very good information from Shak'abat Dareios achilles, a pure greek hero for us all to be proud of!

In local news, the price of cheese has risen for the fourth week running now. We asked main cheese supplier, Cleitos kasenopolis, why this could be.
"well you see readers, my wife urgently needs a new horse. i see no reason why her feet should have to touch where all those... you know... poor people have been. Zeus knows what might be there... but rest assured i shall be joining the 7th Hippeis unit- the same which saw the spartans run at the dawn of democracy".
And what a worthy cause for the price of cheese to embark upon and what a great man. One whose unit saw the spartans themselves flee, contrary to the foolish writer of issue one's claims that they never turned up. We obviously broke them, those brilliant strategists and steadfast allies, upon the spears of attica!

Finally, we at the gazzette have recieved a number of concerns that we may not be entirely consistent with our views and reporting habits. What seems a regular feature is quickly removed and our views on different factions changes somewhat. Lies! Our views are consistent insofar as it could parhaps never maybe be said to be constantly insomuch as we have a good, solid dedication to the athenian cause which may or may not be the sole concern of our publication and/or perhaps newspaper. columns come and go with as much consistency as they stay as columns or stories which always contain as much fact as they may not infact do, but obviously we would never nor not ever totally mislead you. So i hope that clears it all up!

[Aetius]

Awesome!

Lol, the cheese merchant raising the price of cheese to buy a horse for his wife so she doesnt have to walk with poor people.

[Deathbypepsi]

Glory!free for all. previosuly 4mnai under oppressive democracy!
For today we rejoice, men of 'province formally known as attica'! Our foolish and laughable 'democracy' has been overthrown by the glorious armies of great ruler Xerxes, the all powerful, merciful, benificent etc! the arrival of such a day of glee was only hastened by the rediculous attempt by heretical state of Sparta to resist at 'Thermopylae' (wherever that is!)
The traitorous fools of 'province formally known as attica' (shortly to be renamed attagarxa) have fled to a small island where they shall inevitably be easy meat for powerful navy of persian god-king!

In other news worthy of lowly peasants such as ourselves but for which we are infinitely greatful...

the price of wheat fell, thanks to personal intervention from our great god-kings' provincial satraps' vice-deputy-sub-assistants servant himself! one bushel has collapsed from 3mnai to a pitiful 3.1! Surely these are bountiful times since the fall of the disgraced former reigime! There has been no further pandering to the Athenaioi bourgoise hippeis classes and a paradise of the true servants to Xerxes has been established!

From our foreign correspondant

news has reached our humble backwater, from accross the bountiful and vast empire to which we now belong, of a place called 'Baktria'. It is said that many greeks have already moved there in addoring accordance with the all wise kings' 'relocation drive'. This will only serve to increase our interactions with other inhabitants of the great empire and to infinitely boost our already firmly established loyalty and devotion to our wonderful new position in life and the world!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry for this slightly delayed edition of the gazzette. who knows if athens will be free again next issue?
Ive sort of settled into a sort of pattern now: main story, economic news and foreign report. this is the core with occasionally some other stories. i would be thrilled beyond the most devoted servant of the god king if anyone would like to add to it. PM me and i will probably add it to the next edition (after a little edit for any unathenian activities etc.)

oh, and i found this note with this edition of the gazzette...
'Oh, so now we're stuck with the persians??? thanks a lot you cowards! ran of across the sea! well I tell you, we're going to give you hell when we get to you! Don't even get me started on the peloponessians behind their isthmus! Sparta!!??? I hope you're happy you ungrateful sack of ****!!'

[Jingles]

LoL! hilarious stuff as ever! +rep