The Jokes Thread

[Dracula]

Well to celebrate my return I open a jokes/anecdotes thread. I think we don't have one here. If there is already,let it be closed.
So :

-How could you let a student make my surgery ?
-The students must practise and your case was anyway hopeless.
-But doctor !..
-I am not doctor,I am apostle Peter.


A man goes to the bank for credit and shouts from the door:
-I have a wonderfull idea ! Give me a big credit right away.
-What's the idea ?
-I'll open a gay club.
-Why do you think it will pay ?
-Much folks will come. All traffic policemen,lawyers,judges,members of the parliament will come.
-We are sorry we'll have to refuse you.
-Oh,but actually you also have to be there.



Third-grade class in a Catholic school, and the teacher is Sister Teresa. One morning Sister Teresa tells the little kids to think about what they would like to do when they grow up.
Sister gives them time to think then proceeds to ask:
-Johnny, what do you want to be when you grow up?
-A doctor, Sister.
-Very good, says Sister Teresa. Now how about you Annie?
-When I grow up I want to be an airline pilot.
-Excellent, says the nun.
-How about you Susan. What do you want to be when you grow up?
-When I grow up I want to be a prostitute, answers Susan.
Sister Teresa's cheeks turn beet-red and her mouth hangs open in disbelief.
-What? What did you say Susan?
-I said I want to be a prostitute.
-What a relief. Thank God. I thought you said you want to be a protestant.

[removeduser_487563287433]

It's like the post version of the My hovercraft is full of eels sketch.

[Dracula]

I do not understand. Damn. But I am sure you were impolite. It is the only moments I regret I know english not so well.

[Zodiac]

I might just be posting the first Sherlock Holmes joke in the History of mankind. Eith way here it goes.
--------------------------------------------------------------

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ******* has stolen our tent."

[lord o kelly]

Define confusion:
...
Father's Day in Newark....


(this will be confusing if you dont live in the NY/NJ area, but Newark is a really low down slummy city w/ ghettos and such)

Irish letter:
Dear Son

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle.
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off Bravely and drowned.
We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
Your other two friends were in back.
They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mum

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

[Dracula]

Wow I didn't know the irish jokes are so good

[Commander_Vimes]

http://www.twcenter.net/forums/showthread.php?t=129539

¬_¬

[lord o kelly]

that one ended in November a new one might be necessary...

[Commander_Vimes]

Er....Why? I mean maybe just a merge or something...no need to make a new jokes thread every 5 months...

[Cliomhdubh]

Ireland's worst ever plane disaster struck today when a two-seater plane crashed into a cemetery this morning.

Irish rescue workers have recovered 79 bodies up to now.

Digging will continue through the night

-----------------------------------------

Mick and Paddy are out in the country shooting rabbits. Suddenly, right in front of his friend, Mick falls to the ground, throws a quick spasm then lies perfectly still.

He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. In fact, he looks pretty well dead!

Quick as the flash, a horrified Paddy whips out his mobile and calls 999. He gasps breathlessly to the operator .....

"Mick just fell to the ground right here in front of me! He's not breathing. He has no heartbeat! I think he's dead! What can I do?"

Well accustomed to this sort of situation however, the emergency operator responds with her most soothing tone ...

"Okay Paddy, you must try to stay calm. If there's anything can be done, we'll do it. But you will have to keep your cool, then we can take it one step at a time! Okay?"

"Sure! Sure! Of course, your right. I'm fine. Just tell me what must I do?"

"Great! Now first of all, lets make sure he's dead."

The line goes silent, then a shot is heard .....

Paddy's voice comes back down the line ..... "OK! What Next?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner."This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
gay man named Roger goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Roger, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." Roger is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Roger asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your as*hole is for."

-----------------------------------------
One day at school, little timmy had to tell a story with a moral.

He went to the front of the room and addressed the class.
"one time, in Vietnam, my uncle Russel was shot down in his helecopter. In one hand he held his M-60, in the other a bottle of whiskey, and in his belt he had a knife. On the way to the ground, he drank the entire bottle of whiskey. When he landed 100 enemy soldiers attacked him. he killed 75 with his gun then he ran out of ammo, then drew the knife and stabbed the next 15 to death, his knife broke off so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands!"

His teacher was horrified, "Timmy what could the moral of this story possibly be???"
Timmy looked dead serious "Don't MESS with uncle Russel when he's been drinking!"
---------------------------------------------------------------

[malcolm mcdowell]

A fisherman is sorting through his catch on the edge of a lake when a man sprints up to him, obviously in some distress. ‘Help me please,’ he gasps. ‘My wife is drowning and I can't swim.’ He points out to a distant figure, splashing around pathetically 100 m from the shore. ‘Please save her. I'll give you a hundred quid if you do.’ Nodding, the fisherman dives into the water. In a few powerful strokes, he reached the woman, puts his arm around her, and swims back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, he looks up at him. ‘Okay,’ he says, regaining his breath, ‘where's my hundred?’ The man frowns back at him. ‘Look,’ he says. ‘When I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.’ The fisherman reached into his pocket. ‘Just my luck,’ he says. ‘How much do I owe you?’

[Dracula]

Why the gays are from the devil ? A religious proof.

Two gays can make 69 position. Two normal people also.

Two gays can make 99 position. Two normall people also.

Three gays can make a 699 position. Three normall people also.

But whatever you do,a 666 position is available only for gays.


--------------------------------------------------------------


A man awakes drunk in the bed and starts inspection :"This is my hand..and this is her hand ...this is my arse...this is her arse...this is my penis...this is her penis..whaaaat ?! "

[Cliomhdubh]

ok.................

[MrMofo]

Why the gays are from the devil ? A religious proof.

Two gays can make 69 position. Two normal people also.

Two gays can make 99 position. Two normall people also.

Three gays can make a 699 position. Three normall people also.

But whatever you do,a 666 position is available only for gays."

This is ing stupid. And not even a joke.

o wait, i get it. *DRACULA* (ffs) IS the joke.