@$%#$^^%#$: A Ghorid Comedy

[Chief Astook]

Coming up in a few minutes, my third AAR. Get ready for many pictures and one ****'d up storyline. My first two AAR's were supposed to be serious but ended up being a hilarious oh so short adventure about drunken Norwegians. So I guess I should make a comedy specific AAR? I use lots of pictures, and my comp may or may not have terrible graphics. At least you can make **** out.

Anyways, I was inspired by notenome, but hopefully I won't be an exact rip off. Then again I am always paranoid about my writing .

Anyways, once flickr gets through uploading you'll get to see part one.....

[Kpt Ortamadami]

Great! Ghorid experience needed a funny view. Can't wait for it.
And I bet it will be much better when you will eventually have to **** with the mongols.

[Chief Astook]

Part 1: Disrespecting the Amir (Author Note: Serious maybe. In other words, setting up for laughs in part 2.)

Narrator: In the year of....um...well Ghorids don't need calendars. If they need to know the year they just grab a random scholar and beat it out of him. Having raided the Ghazni for years without significant progress many of the Ghorids have become restless.

Ghorid Soldier 1: "Damn right mother****er, I pillaged so much that the only thing left is myself." *Pulls out his scimatar and stabs himself in the heart*
Ghorid Soldier 2: "%^%%$#%^^%%^"

Narrator:Er...right. Anyways Lets just get on with the story......

The great and mighty sultan kicked the living **** out of Ghazni back in his day when the only weapons around were made of stone and wood. However he has grown old and senile, and his son suspects he loves camels.



He had called a ceasefire with Ghazni some ten years ago, and although all of his stats went to hell, he was a great diplomat.

Sultan Uddin: In only a decade I have reconciled with Ghazni. Today we are to greet one of their diplomats and arrange for trade agreements."
Advisor: "I have some bad news for you my Sultan."
Sultan Uddin: "And what is this news my son?"
Advisor: "Actually it is about your son, the Amir of our wonderous Sultantate. He has killed every tutor you sent in your program to rid our people of the Dire Language."
Sultan Uddin: "@#$#$!$#$!!!!......I, uh mean ****! Elaborate Project Stop The Freaking Unknown, or EPSTFU, cost us five thousand denari!"
Advisor: "Your son is also marching to Kabul from our other province."
Sultan Uddin: *shaking* "Send a messenger quick! Tell the diplomat to come here at once! The future of the Sultantate depends on it!"

Narrator: The deal was almost complete......except for a little thing called formality.



Sultan Uddin: "Curse tradition! Why must I wait until after the greeting? He could arrive any moment!"
???: "Hello father."
Sultan Uddin: "Hi there my boy! Long time no see! Sorry I kept you locked up in the castle dungeons......I thought you needed to toughen up."
???: "Oh, I did. After getting *** raped by large Hindu men who devoutly follow the Kama Sutra for a year I think I'm ready for anything. Did I tell you that my mental power has grown? That lead in the walls was hard to overcome, but I did....and....I....AM NOT HAPPY!"

*The Amir's eyes flash red suddenly and static electricity builds inside the mansion.*

Sultan Uddin: "You do not understand, war and bloodshed are wrong! I have dealt with this ever since I took the crown. My boy, I learned that...."
???: "Silence! You have grown weak and do not fear Allah. Allah commands us to kill the infidel, and the infidel is next door! You would make peace with them when they gloat over there two cities when we have only one!"
Sultan Uddin: "These trade agreements are the first steps to unifying our peo...."

*SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK* ??? rains a series of pimp slaps upon his father who begins crying like a little child.

???: "Go to your room!"
Sultan Uddin: "WAAAAHH YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME AT ALL!"

Narrator: It seems the royal family is royally ****'d up. Now the Amir takes the duties of Sultan under law 42 which says, "If the old man becomes senile and incapable of governing, so must his son take over."



???: "Submit or perish."
Smug Ghazni diplomat: "What? Aren't you the one who came crawling back to us begging for money while lying in a puddle crying like a little *****?"
???: "I'm sorry but that wasn't me. however if you do not accept this generous offer I will attack you within days."
Smug Ghazni diplomat: "You and what army? Those smelly Afgan hillmen? *laughing uncontrollably* Our Ghulams are known as The Immortal Army, they cannot be killed sadiq."

*The Amir pulls his blade and charges the diplomat.*

???: $#$$%#$@%@%$^^&&^***&%!!!!"



Smug Ghazni diplomat: *Sticking his tounge out and shaking his *** at the Amir and the pursueing Ghorids* "Can't catch me, Can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!" *laughing uncontrollably he makes it out of the city*

Royal Bodyguard: "Sir, we can catch that fool."
???: "**** it. I know where he is going. The Ghazni are building a watchtower on one of the nearby mountaintops to spy on us. After the trade agreement they planned on asking for an alliance and then back stabbing my father." *makes a note to spank his father with the belt*
Royal Bodyguard: "Shall we round up the hillmen and "recruit" some units?"
???: "They think they can disrespect me? **** that of course we are going after them."

Narrator: So if you haven't gotten bored yet, you must be wondering when the heavy hitting comedy comes in. Who is ??? and why does he beat his father like a *****? What exactly does #$$!%$% mean? Find out in Part 2 coming tommorow! (I promise this **** will pick up speed next update)

On an unrelated note........

Faisal the Very Undiplomatic Diplomat: %%@%!@$#@$@%$#WECANHASVASSAL?>>>????

[boerekovic]

Hah, thats the opposite of Khalil

"WECANHASVASSAL?"

[Chief Astook]

Author's Note: I'll be doing my little heads up thingy with the author's notes. Second update will be up when I get back from the evil evil place I have to go. There will be strange battlegrounds, fire water and toys, not to mention a not so smug diplomat.

HOLY **** I'm already near the 100 mark? Haha sorry I didn't do a dynamic post for part 1, I was busy editing 40+ or - screens really late and I fell asleep lol.

[Chief Astook]

Part 2: Of Mountains, Giant Beasts, Firewater, and Toys

Narrator: And so our hero rounded up the local hillmen with the armies only real professional soldiers (swordsmen). They also "recruited" many paupers. this "recruitment" is in the British sense, get them drunk, whack em in the back of the head, and drag them to the battlefield.




Amir Muhammad aka ???: "So this is your "Immortal Army"? Thats only like 300 guys, I could kill them all myself."
Smug Ghazni diplomat: "My people are very clever tacticians. I did not say we were numerous fool."
Amir Muhammad: "Nyah Nyah! I'm not listening!"



Amir Muhammad: "What the ****? We outnumber them 4:1 how are they almost equal in power?"
Tactician: "Well sir, we have an army full of peasant hillmen and unconcious beggars. Our professional troops equal 1/4 of our army, therefore the enemy's professional army is slightly less in power due to the sheer number of our peasents and beggars."
Amir Muhammad: "Mmmhmm, indeed tell me more."
Tactician: "Well the enemy also has the advantage of being on the defensive as well as favorable terrain, not to mention the mercenari....."

*Muhammad throws the tactician off the mountain side*

Amir Muhammad: "I was asking a rhetorical question, haven't you ever taken elementary english mother****er? Anyone else want to tell me how to fight a battle?"

*The army shakes their heads and acts as if nothing happened*



Future member of the TBTFT Club 1: "Hey guys we are like all biblical! I bet the Ark of the Covenant is up there!"
Future member of the TBTFT Club 2: *Out of breath* "What the **** I didn't join this army to climb a ****ing mountain!"
Future member of the TBTFT Club 3: "Yeah I know. Feeding our poor families and all. At least you don't have to help carry the unconcious beggers mother****er!"

Narrator: And so the army climbs the sheer cliff, well except for the poor hillmen carrying the beggers and the swordsmen carrying the Amir and his bodyguard.



Begger 1: "Dude, I'm like seeing imaginary spears in my hands!"
Begger 2: "No way me too man!"
Amir Muhammad: "You guys have Shisha? Why don't you sell it for money?"
Begger 1: "Wow i never thought of that!"
Begger 2: "Hey you want some groovy dude?"
Amir Muhammad: "Will it help me command my army? Don't tell the others, but I never have tried the stuff."
Begger 1: "This stuff will like, open your mind man!"
Begger 2: "Yeah like, you will turn into the Sha-Hulk and stuff!"
Amir Muhammad: "Give it here...."

Narrator: Smoking non-stop and coughing many times, Amir Muhammad has a magical inner journey full of Oompa lumpas and tiny pink dragons.



Muhammad addressing the army: "Dudes, we are like, on the side of an impossible mountain! How the **** did we get up here?"
Random Hillman: "You made us carry you?"
Muhammad addressing the army: "No man, the power of.......FIREWATER!!!! Pass it out, all around, drink it up til it burns!"
Cheering Army: "Three cheers for....."
Muhammad addressing the army: "Except the peasants and beggars. Dude, i'm like totally not that high hahaha"
Upperclass soldiers: "All hail the Amir!"
Muhammad addressing the army: "So like, go forth hillmen and attack!"



Soon to be impaled hillman: "Mother****er! He makes us climb AND carry **** and now he wants us to run up this ****ing slope into spears going DOWNWARDS?"
Soon to be impaled hillman: "Hey, at least we aren't using imaginary weapons."



Narrator: Needless to say those at the front of the charge were killed, but of course the great Amir would bail them out.



Bodyguard 1: "Shouldn't we help them sir?"
Amir Muhammad: "Like send the swordsmen or something damn mother****er im trying to drink here."
Bodyguard drinking firewater: "HOLY**** THIS IS GOOD!"



Mercenary "Ace in the Hole for the Ghaznis" 1: "Shouldn't we like help them or something? Those swordsmen are kicking ***!"
Mercenary War Elephant Captain: "Have you ever seen an elephant fall off a mountain mother****er? Hell no we aren't going down there! I'm not paid enough for this **** seriously."



Ghulam 1: "Hey little man, What is that you got there? A sword! Oh my, I've ****ed my pants!"
Ghulam 2: "Four little Ghorids in the middle of big bad men! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
Ghulam 3: "Hey what is that glowing glass?"
All four swordsmen drinking firewater: $%$@#%@@#$^%$RAPEPILLAGEKILLRAPEPILLAGEKILL!!!!"
Ghulams: *all sorts of terrible sounds....*



Ghulam 1: "DEAR GOD MY STOMACH!"
Ghulam 2: "I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY BONES SNAPPING!"
Ghulam 3: "I'm the last one. OH DEAR GOD PLEASE SAVE US, THEY ARE RIPPING MY SKIN OFF!"

Ghulam Captain: "Just hold your standards high and whistle. Walk away slowly."

Narrator: Halftime report, brought to you by Sindh Firewater! If you ain't drinking, you ain't Sinninh!



Ghazni traveler: "Well as you can see the swordsmen have decimated the Ghulam's. Routing may be in order. The irony is that they are literally running for the hills!...er mountain top same difference." *notices one of the few dead swordsmen*
Ghazni traveler: "HOLY **** THIS IS GOOD!"

Bodyguard 1: "I don't think that Amir is in any condition to lead the charge sir....."
Bodyguard Captain: "I'll drag him along, just kill those panzy *** mother****ers!"



Bodyguard 1: *laughing* "Those Ghazni didn't stand a chance!" ****ing his pants* "WTF is that!?"



Bodyguard 1: *belches fire* "Okay elephants on top of a mountain, no more firewater for me...."



Amir Muhammad the High and Drunken: "Those are like elephants man! All the way from India or South Antartica!"
Bodyguard Captain: "Sir, I don't want to ruin your casual demeanor, BUT THOSE ****ERS ARE HUGE!"
Bodyguard 1: "How the **** do you even kill one? They have little brown men on top throwing sticks and I am not going near one of those Ele-phantz!"
Muhammad The Still High and Drunken: "Dude, dude, dude....dude. Chill man. Like send in some hillmen to gauge their power and you two like observe it or something. Look for weaknesses man, the bigger they are the harder they fall muwahaha!"
Bodyguard Captain: "Genius! Give me some of the shisha."

Narrator: The three groups of hillmen that fought play a game of Ghorid Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide who must face the giant beasts.

Group of 97: " Hey group 34."
Group of 34: "Yeah?"
Group of 97: "We got scissors you got rock?"
Group of 34: "Uh, yeah. Hey, we win!"

*Group of 97 stabs group of 34*

Random hillman: "MY EYES!"
Group of 97: "Hey group of 21."
Group of 21: "We are going!"
Group of 97: "Good cuz we don't think paper beats scissors either."



Soon to be a member of TBTFT Club 1: "Do you find it hard to run when you've soiled yourself?"
Soon to be a member of TBTFT Club 2: "Yeah especially when it gets to your legs."



Soon to be a member of TBTFT Club 3: "WHY DO YOU CURSE US ALLAH?????? BLARGGGIIIIIUGH!!!!"



Soon to be a member of TBTFT Club 1: "OMG THERE IS NO ESCAPE!"
Soon to be a member of TBTFT Club 2: "WHY AREN'T THEY SENDING THE OTHERS?!"

Narrator: Meanwhile.....



Very high Bodyguard 1: "Dude, look at what I made with my cup!"
Very high Bodyguard Captain: "Holy **** thats awesome! Can you get the ball inside the cup?"
Very high Bodyguard 1: *rings to cup* Yeah man just use some string to tie the ball."

*LOUD SCREAMING AND BONE CRUNCHING SOUNDS*

Very high Bodyguard Captain: "**** I missed!"
Very high Bodyguard 1: "Dude use the force man."
Very high Bodyguard Captain: "%$$!#%%@ I missed again!"

*Whistling noises*

Very high Bodyguard 1: "Du..." *Javelin hits him in the throat*
Paranoid Fleeing Captain: "HOLY **** THEY ARE THROWING STICKS!!!!"



Heaven Hillman 1: "Hey now I know what TBTFT Club means!"
Heaven Hillman 2: "Oh yeah what?"
Heaven Hillman 1: "Trampled By Two Freaking Tons Club!"
Heaven Hillman 3: "Hey guys check out our eternal reward!"
Heaven Hillman 2: "Seventy bearded women!"
Bearded Lady: "Hey there handsome!"
Heaven Hillman 1: "Who me?"
Bearded Lady: "Come join me and my daughters!"

*Cue sexy music*

Narrator: The shisha smoking beggars walk up to the elephants.





Shisha Smoking Beggar Captain: "Hey dudes, that vision was like a prophecy or something! Pick up these sticks and like hurl them!"



Narrator: And so the Shisha Beggar Javelin corp was born. However, some Ghulam archers were hiding even further behind the elephants. they began shooting at the beggars who were pursueing the elephants.



Ghulam Archer Captain: "Are we not brilliant tacticians or what?"

Narrator: Meanwhile the Amir leads his bodyguard to deal with the archers.

Muhammad: "Hey guys, I swear I have calmed down." *snickers*
Bodyguard Captain: "O rly?"
Muhammad: "Yeah, how else could I have glued you with that Turkish Glue so we can do this charge thing." *snickers*
Bodyguard Captain: *leads the men, picking up speed* "Riiiiiight."
Muhammad: "I forgot to tell you something....." *barelycontrolled hysterics*
Bodyguard Captain: "What?"
Muhammad: "All your horses are......convicted serial rapists!" *laughs uncontrollably*
Bodyguards in unison: "WHAAAAA????"



Ghulam Archer Captain: "OH SWEET ALLAH PLEASE IT WILL NOT FIT!"
Random Ghulam: "I'M BLEEDING IN PLACES I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD!"
*horses whinny as they rape the archers*
Bodyguard 2: "I CAN'T GET OFF THIS DEMON!!!!"
Bodyguard 3: "HES STICKING IT IN HIS MOUTH!!!!"
Bodyguard Captain:

Narrator: And that was how the battle went...or at least the reports say so....



Random Hillman: "Respect the Amir mother****er!"
Not so Smug Ghazni diplomat:

Author's Note: And now i must play somemore to see what other crazy **** happens.

[eggthief]

Still laughing here I love this part:

Amir Muhammad: "Mmmhmm, indeed tell me more."

Tactician: "Well the enemy also has the advantage of being on the defensive as well as favorable terrain, not to mention the mercenari....."

*Muhammad throws the tactician off the mountain side*

Amir Muhammad: "I was asking a rhetorical question, haven't you ever taken elementary english mother****er? Anyone else want to tell me how to fight a battle?"

the horse thing was funny as well and u had a nice timing with pictures (the fire e.g.) +rep

[Kpt Ortamadami]

"Have you ever seen an elephant fall of a mountain mother****er?

Priceless

[Gnashfang]

Ghulam Archer Captain: "OH SWEET ALLAH PLEASE IT WILL NOT FIT!"
Random Ghulam: "I'M BLEEDING IN PLACES I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD!"
*horses whinny as they rape the archers*
Bodyguard 2: "I CAN'T GET OFF THIS DEMON!!!!"
Bodyguard 3: "HES STICKING IT IN HIS MOUTH!!!!"

XD. Seriously, that part was weird as hell yet funny.

[Chief Astook]

Author's Note: After a long power play session involving a 3 hrs battle (yes i mean straight but it was so so worth it) I have many events and happenings for the viewer. I just need to photo edit, upload, and write.....another day hahaha.

[Fijj]

Best ARR in exsistance man!

best ever

Narrator: Halftime report, brought to you by Sindh Firewater! If you ain't drinking, you ain't Sinninh.

Also if I knew how to +rep I would

[bomberboy]

That was great loved the ending of the second part.

[eggthief]

Click the green + thing at the bottom of the guy's post, but I think that u can't rep until u got 50 posts though.

EDIT: please let this one live Chief Astook, every other good AAR I've been reading has found it's grave already.

[Lupu]

Priceless!

[Frodge]

C'mon damnit i need my firewater fix

[Chief Astook]

Author's note: Be patient, I got at least 200 screens to sort through and edit.

Okay I'll give you something to tide you over soon, sort of like notenome's viginettes lol. *gets to work*

Wait did he just tell us something and then give a concession? OMG PEER PRESSURE!!!!

Eggthief: Don't worry I'm at least going to interact with the Ghorids immediate neighbors

[Chief Astook]

Part 3A: The Sultantate Gets Organized and The Adventures of Faisal!

Narrator: After displaying the power of firewater, Amir Muhammad launched a campaign to conquer the poor Ghaznis. In the east two generals known as "Good with Calvary" and "Good with Infantry" were conquering the local rebels. Many events of great import occured within a very very short amount of time.

Advisor: "Hey Amir, guess what?"
Hungover Muhammad: $#%@!#@$STFU!!!!"
Advisor: "Revolution has occured in Eygpt,



but its probably not important."
Hungover Angry Muhammad: "Then STFU! My head hurts like a mother****er!"
Unfazed Advisor: "Also our council of nobles have began operations for the well being of the Sultantate."



Hungover Muhammad: "You come to me in my tent after that battle and......wait what the ****? We have a council of nobles? Then why the **** can't I find a wife?"
Advisor: "Because you are a weird mother****er."
Hungover Muhammad: "Did my father get my gift?"
Advisor: "The Rhino Horn? Uh, yeah about that......I forgot to include the suggested dosage...."



Advisor: "He had an erection lasting more than six hours."
Enraged Muhammad: "Daddy noooooo!! you mother****ing mother****er! GUARDS GUARDS! ASSASSIN!!!"
Not So Unfazed Advisor: "Wha....I mean....no...NO...WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?"

*The two bodyguards without a word toss the man into the middle of a circle of snickering horses*

Author's note: the horses speak horseian, advisor cannot understand.

Advisor: "I didn't know horses could laugh. Hi guys! Nice, uh, morning eh?"
Horse 1: "Cover him up, he needs to be lubbed up nicely for our new friend."
Advisor: "It is kind of hot I supposed, that stuff is really cold, thanks guys!"
Horse 2: *Puts on Advisor's stolen hat* "Ooooo look at me, I'm a human! I'm the dominant species!"
Advisor: "Wow, I never knew horses were so fashionable!"
Horse 3: "Alright, alright stop the fooling around, here he comes."

*The horses on one side seperate and a large, lumbering figure walks into the circle. He has a javelin stuck in his eye*

Elephant: "HOW ABOUT THIS JAVELIN MOTHER****ER!"
Advisor: "Thats a big thing you got there.....OH SWEET ALLAH!"
*Horses practice voyerisim and burst into outright laughter.*



Sultan Muhammad: "Hey, I just realized I am Sultan!"
*Army bursts into applause.*



Sultan Muhammad the Godfearer: "AND FROM THIS DAY FORTH WE SHALL FEAR ALLAH WHOM IS MIRAGE41!"
Army: %@#%$#%!!!!!"

Narrator: Meanwhile.....

Faisal the Very Undiplomatic Diplomat: "FAISAL IS SAD! CHAU CHAU HINDU PEOPLE NO LIKE MY PLAN! NOW SULTAN WANT TO HAS TRADE RIGHTS????? WHAAAA!!!"

Narrator: However, on the way to India Faisal met a wise old man on a mountain.

Faisal the Very Sad Diplomat: "WHAAAA! I RUN OVER THIS ELEVATED TERAFIRMA AND I MEET WITH OTHER HINDU BAD MEN! THEY WILL MAKE ME CRY MORE!!! FAISAL NO WANT TO TURN EMO LIKE THOSE CHAU CHAU /WRISTS MEN!"
Wise Old Man: "Hey S*whistle*onny! Why dontcha jus*whistle*t offer s*whistle*omething they need and threaten to kill them if they dont accept what they need in the firs*whistle*t place?"
Faisal the New Diplomat: "FAISAL MUST THINK!"

Narrator: And so Faisal went to many other wisemen, calculating the theory of reletivity, discovering that the Earth orbits he sun, and inventing a new species of arboreal whale, until he revolutionized the diplomatic world. this plan was called, ACCEPT REASONABLE OFFER BUT WE STILL SEEM BAD***.

Faisal the Diplomatic Undiplomatic Diplomat: $%@%$%@$%~WECANHASTRADE?!?!!?!?"
Solanki Emissary: "Uh...yeah of course....just calm down."



Narator: Faisal doesn't get a break......



Faisal the Diplomatic Undiplomatic Diplomat: "HEY WHO IS YOU?"
Not So Smug Ghazni Diplomat: "No! Not you crazy *** people! We need the firewater trade so you don't totally rape and pillage our ***s!



*Faisal grabs his rival around the neck in a chokehold of death.*
Faisal the Diplomatic Undiplomatic Diplomat: $%@#%@%WECANHASFIREWATERSOINOCANSNAPHISNECK????"
Scared ****less Ghazni: "PLEASE DO WHAT HE SAYS HE IS LICKING MY EAR!!!!"



The Sindhs: "HOLY **** HE HAS A HOSTAGE! CURL UP INTO A FETAL POSITION AND GIVE IN TO HIS DEMANDS!"
Faisal:

Narrator: Meanwhile the new Sultan must ensure his kingdom has an heir.

Sultan Muhammad: "Hey, random serial killer."
Random Serial Killer: "Yeah?"
Sultan Muhammad: "You are my new son."
Amir Serial Killer aka Ghiyasuddin: "Sweet."



Author's note: Part B coming later or sooner?????

[Gnashfang]

Three cheers for putting serial killers in charge of factions!

[eggthief]

WE CAN HAS FIRE WATER SO I NO CAN SNAP HIS NECK? U definitley made a great comic and raped the English language at the same time, good job.

[Chief Astook]

Interlude: Serial Killers *cough cough* I mean Amirs know how to Party! (aka how I buy time to make part 3b)

Narrator: The new Sultan knew that the Ghorids would need to take the rebel settlements in the east for his new empire to grow.

Mathmetician: "Sir! I've discovered a brillant new formula that will allow our empire to become even more awesomerest!" (Mathematician, not english major)
Sultan Muhammad: "O rly?"
Mathemetician: "Srsly!"

*Mathematician presents the world's first power point presentation using stone tablets*

Mathematician: "More cities= more tax monies, monies=more infrastructure + armies of death! In laymen's terms, BIG WALLET= POWER!"
Sultan Muhammad: "So basically you are saying we can crush our enemies with the sheer weight of our wallets?"
Mathematician: "I did not mean...."
Sultan Muhammad: "From this day forth, all men will carry OBSCENELY LARGE WALLETS!!!!"

Narrator: And that was how the Ghorid fashion trend of giant wallets came about. And also the story of how the first of the Sultan's advisors did not die......

*The Sultan recieves a giant felt wallet from some dudes in around China or something who obviously will not pose a problem in the future.*

Sultan Muhammad: "TAKE THAT INFIDEL!" *The Sultan smack the mathematician whom promtly crumples under the sheer weight*

Narrator: Nevermind. Anywho, the Sultan's new son is tasked with conquering the rebels of the east.



Kabuli Axeman 1: "Why did we leave the city and come to these barbarian lands again?"
Kabuli Axeman 2: "Because the Amir threatened to kill our families?"
Kabuli Axemen 1: "Right, right...."

Narrator: Needless to say the Amir took the wealthier side of the military.



Random Pashtun Warrior: "PIMP my shield!"



Pashtun Captain: "Hup hup hup, up the ladder one at a time."
Random Pashtun: "Hey stop touching!"
Pashtun Captain: "I saw that!"



Random Pashtun 1: "Hey, that's a lot of hillies...."
Random Pashtun 2: "Yeah I dunno, they are saying some pretty mean things..."
Hillmen: !%$%@@!%@#$!!!"
Hillman 1: "Your Sultan got my brother trampled by two freaking tons!"
Hillman 2: "He got my son impaled on a spear!"
Random Pashtun 1: "Yeah I just don't know about this."
Random Pashtun 3: "GERONIMO!!!!"
Random Pashtun 2: "Yeah I know we have duty and all but, I heard they can give you diseases and stuff. And really, do I want my white undershirt to get stained a **** brown?"
Random Pashtun 1: "You only get diseases if you touch them I think...."

Narrator: The Kabuli Axemen have larger axes due to bigger wallets, but they serve the same purpose as their country brethren.

Cpt. Kabuli: "Hey the gates are broken with minimal casualties!"
Drunken Kabuli: *hic* "Hav yoush tried thish firewaterz???? *BURP*





Cpt. Kabuli: "HOLY **** RUN!!!!"
*the rebels watch in shock as their gates are overrun by flaming berserkers with giant axes*

Author's Note: The next part was insanely hilarious. Guess who the last guy to die was in this battle.



Turkoman Greenshirt 1: "Do you think they noticed us running away?"
Turkoman Greenshirt 2: "Nah, we charged the OTHER way."
*arrows strike the two dead*



Turkoman Redshirt: "**** that i'm outta here!"



Turkoman Redshirt: "HERE THEY ARE, CHARGE!"

Author's Note: This guy ran AROUND the pursueing horsemen and down the opposite street so fast I couldn't screen it.



Rebel Captain: "Oh **** me those are Ghulams!"

Narrator: And so the rebel town fell...and the Amir makes his appearance.

Amir Giyahsuddin: "Parade!!!!!!!!"



Narrator: Meanwhile on the walls we learn how hillmen are "recruited".

Cpt. Pashtun: "See I told you if we gave them some of our shisha they wouldn't put up a fight."
Random Pashtun 1: "Look at that guy he's just stareing at his friend puking."



Hillman in a Trance: "Dude, like I see the answer to everything in your bloody vomit!"
*SMACK*



Hillman in a Trance: "Whoa far out!"

Author's Note: Sorry if this update isn't as awesome as the others, that IS why I'm buying time to piece together part 3b.