Oh dear- a turkish sultanate AAR (sort of)

[Imperator of Rome]

Agents have discovered that in Eastern Roman culture trespassing is considered a direct offense to masculinity. Advise sending royal family members to continuously criss-cross ERE-Turkish border in full view of Roman armies. Alexius will have to choose between public emasculation or war.
?Wtf lol and the fat men with axes sure do mega pawn.....are they related to these guys.


LOL

[boerekovic]

brilliant.

[Turtules]

Great work.

[notenome]

Interlude- Commercial break

Obnoxious TV salesman voice:

In the next installment of this critically acclaimed AAR:

A beloved character. Will. Die!

*DUM DUM DUM*

And a new character of (hopefully) future importance will be introduced. Stay tuned for Part 22: Make war not love.

Update coming in about 6 hours (10 PM) guys.

[Kryzantine]

Bravo.

You've got a really nice sense of humor.

[stratesx]

Khalil is going to die, isin't he?

[Victus Sagrada]

Khalil is going to die, isin't he?

But he is so diplomatic!


Nooooooo!

[notenome]

Part 22- Make war not love.
Whereupon the good times keep on rolling for the ERE

Constantinople - 1202

ERE strategist- So what's the situation again?
ERE adviser- Well... of the 7 armies we've deployed to the front, 5 have registered a 90 to 95 percent casualty rate. The remnants have fled to Atalia, where they are apparently holding the first ever Survivors Club World Fair.
ERE strategist- Crap.
ERE adviser- That's not all. The Turks have unloaded an army in Cyprus, and have already taken Farmagusta.
ERE strategist- And what about-
ERE adviser- They're sieging it.
ERE strategist- Dammit... well at least the Emperor is safe in Trebizon. It's far away from the front lines and the Turks seem to be concentrated in the West.
ERE adviser- *cough* Well actually....



ERE strategist- Sonofa*****! What about our troops? Please tell me at least our morale is high.
ERE adviser- Generally speaking, getting repeatedly crushed by a seemingly unstoppable war machine is enough to make most soldiers loose heart, but thanks to the UCS, morale has hit some historic lows. They've been publishing pamphlets such as these all around the empire:





ERE strategist- What the hell? Who are these guys? We've got to shut them down at once!
ERE adviser- They're an NGO, and we can't.
ERE strategist- What do you mean we can't?
ERE adviser- The UCS claims to be a direct descendant of several ancient Roman organizations. If the UCS were to be shut down, they say, we would hinder our claim to be the modern Roman Empire by severing our historic link with some of its most vital and cherished institutions. This would not only throw the Empire into an existential crisis, but it would dishearten our soldiers and create a snowball effect that would result in the destruction of all our governmental infrastructure. We couldn't come up with a rebuttal.
ERE strategist- *sigh* Well at least we know things can't get any worse. I mean when you hit rock bottom... you can only go up.



ERE strategist- Mother****er!
ERE adviser- You just had to say it!
ERE strategist- Say what? That things couldn't get any worse? That's ridiculous-



ERE strategist- Just shut up! Don't say anything!

Narrator- Desperate for a way to counter the Turkish onslaught, the Romans adopted a revolutionary new strategy called "Run for the Hills!". The goal of this strategy was to use Kaykaus's chivalry against him by having the entire army rout at the first sign of danger. Since Kaykaus always released his prisoners, the army would survive to fight another day. And get free lifetime Survivors Club membership to boot.



Narrator- Flush from their many victories in the ongoing war, the Turks were devastated when news arrived that one of their most iconic figures, Khalil, the very diplomatic diplomat, had died of 'natural' causes. All Turkish men mourned the loss bitterly. Well, almost all of them...

Vizier v2.0- There can only be one...



Narrator- Greatly saddened, the Turks turned to the ERE for entertainment. The Romans, for their part, obliged by wowing the Sultan's troops with their incredible acrobatic ability.





Narrator- Finally, in the closing months of 1202, Kaykaus's son, Gunduz, future heir to the throne, came of age. A born conqueror like his father, it was hoped this sixteen year old would lead the Sultanate's forces to many victories against the Romans... or what was left of them, anyways.

[Miraj]

One of the best AARs ever. +rep

[Kryzantine]

T'was Khalil's time.

And at the beginning, when things hit the bottom of the Grand Canyon for the ERE.

[notenome]

Vignette 5- Pirates of the Burning... Lake

Aleppo - 1202

Messenger- Sir, I have dire news.
Kaikosru- Out with it then.
Messenger- Pirates sir, there are pirates in our waters and we can't do anything about them.
Kaikosru- I see your point. With our navy competing to see who can sink to the bottom of the ocean the fastest, we're short on ships. *sigh* Damn Romans.
Messenger- Actually that's not the reason sir.
Kaikosru- Huh? Then what is?
Messenger- Well these pirates, they're marauding the shores... of an inland lake?
Kaikosru- Whaaaaaaa?



Central Anatolia - 1202

Pirate Captain- Arrr! We be pirates maraudin' the high seas!
Pirate First mate- Arrr! Actually sir, we're in the middle of a lake.
Pirate Captain- *slap* Yer know what I meant, ya knucklehead.
Kaikosru- *from the lake shore* Um... excuse me?
Pirate Captain- *to crew* Look sharpish boys, our first victim approaches *to Kaikosru* What ye be wantin', ya landlubber? Don't yer know better than to be a messin' with pirates?
Kaikosru- If you don't mind me asking, what exactly have you pirated during your illustrious sailing career?
Pirate Captain- Err... Is that a trick question?
Kaikosru- Not at all. Consider me intellectually curious.
Pirate Captain- Well ... errr... we haven't really pirated anything...yet. But we did frighten some livestock! Arr, we did, we did.
Pirate First Mate- Aye we terrorized the local livestock. Arr!
Pirate Second Mate- Arr!
Kaikosru- So you built a pirate fleet and hired a crew... to frighten sheep?
Pirate First Mate- To terrorize sheep!
Pirate Second Mate- Arr!
Kaikosru- Duly noted.
Pirate Captain- Arr! We be pirates. We sail the seas in search of booty and treasure. We kill all who resist and some who don't! We are beholden to none, and all fear us! *evil laugh*
Kaikosru- And you thought the best place to terrorize the high seas was... in the middle of an inland lake?
Pirate Captain- ... Well there's no need to be bein' so critical, is there? We've only just met and yer bustin me gut. Have I criticized ye? Have I been-a-tellin' ya how to run yer Sultanate and where to run it? No I haven't. I'd appreciate it if ye reciprocated the courtesy, I would!
Kaikosru- Fair enough, but now that you're here, what are you going to do? You're in the middle of a lake where no one conducts any trade. There are no ports. Hell, no one even fishes here!
Pirate Captain- Aye, we noticed, we noticed... *cough*... we can... we can... we can be a minor inconvenience in local life! We can curse at ye and hurt yer feelings with our bad breath and harsh language, ya no good Turkish camel!
Pirate First Mate- Arr! I fart in your general direction!
Pirate Second Mate- Tell yer mother I said thanks for last night!
Pirate First Mate- Arr, yer crossed the line there matey. 'Tis bad manners to curse someone's mother. Were ya raised by wolves or something?
Pirate Second Mate- Actually I was, arr!
Pirate First Mate- That be explaining a lot, it does, it does.
Kaikosru- Well I'll let you boys have your fun then. I wish you success in your campaign of 'terror' against poultry.
Pirate Captain- Hey where are yer goin'? Come back, come back! I'm lonely, I haven't had anything to do in the last sixth months but curse at me crew! Don't leave me here! Take me with yer, please jus' don't leave me! *whimper*
Pirate First Mate- Arr, ye be needin' a hug captain?
Pirate Captain- Just be givin' me a little time to myself and I'll be okay... Arr!

[The Mongol]

You are a genius.

[The Sixth Wizard]

ERE strategist- Mother****er!
ERE adviser- You just had to say it!
ERE strategist- Say what? That things couldn't get any worse? That's ridiculous-

*CRUSADERS DETOURED*

HAHAHAHA!!

[Uandwhosearmy]

Absolutely brilliant! Got my morning fix, cheers!

[Little Legionaire]

Without any doubt this AAR is the best i've ever seen! Such creativity and sense of humor! What a man you are notenome!

[Ermeni]

Have to join in with the Praise, Grear AAR

[AvdW]

Haha, I've had the exact same thing in my *coughEREcough* game. May I take this opportunity to applaud your efforts to revamp the entire AAR experience!

Now can someone tell an ex-lurker / newbie poster to this board how to +rep the gentleman I quoted?

[The Bronze boy]

This AAR is quite entertaining and while I have know about this Aaar for some time I didnt really look at it till today looking foward to what you put next and how you will keep me up longer

and AvdW to rep you need to post 50 comments.

[Victus Sagrada]

Avdw - you need to have at least 50 posts before you can rep or vote in polls.

Keep up the good work bro

[Nevada]

this is amazingly great!
you're a comedy-god!
+rep!