Coitus Interruptus: God Hates Wasted Semen

**Felixion** · November 29, 2007, 04:00 PM

Genesis

38:8-10

“Then Judah said to Onan, ‘Lie with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to produce offspring for your brother.’ But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother’s wife he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so he put him to death also.”

God loves babies. Even more than he loves the color white, his own large beard, the blood of sinners.

This verse provides us with an excellent example of the kind of unwavering love that Jesus felt for the little ones. I'll translate this into an easier to understand version:

Judah: Dude. Your brother is shooting blanks so you can totally screw his lady and get away with it, cause even if she pops one out you guys look alike - he won't notice a thing! You get your rocks off, your bro gets a baby, everybody wins!

Onan: Screw that bro, I don't want to make a ****ing kid.

At first this might be viewed as a valid point. Onan did not want to make a baby, therefore he pulled out. Makes sense? Not to God, it doesn't.

What prostate/gland mutation caused Onan to "spill" semen onto the ground is still up for debate, but the facts are clear - semen was wasted.

Like watching a child's smile during Harry Potter, or seeing a couple in Africa use condoms to try and avoid getting HIV - watching potent, valuable, precious semen wasted lights a fire in the belly of God.

So what was there for him to do? Well, what he does best. He killed that mother****er and sent him straight to hell.

Why does God hate birth control?

You say because it slows the population growth of his followers?

Because it puts a fearful stigma around those things that come most naturally to humans, like sex?

I think God hates birth control, or "pulling out" (Coitus Interruptus) because God loves semen. Semen and babies.

Please share your thoughts on his motivation.

**Chaigidel** · November 29, 2007, 04:02 PM

a tale written for people 3 thousand years ago?

**Ringeck** · November 29, 2007, 04:14 PM

Nobody lampoons catholic attitudes to birth control better than Monty Python did way back in the day, so this is perhaps a bit wasted.

It's sort of funny though; God doesn't really seem to care about the act itself - what Onan is being punished for is disobeying God by not fulfilling his responsibility to conduct the "Levirate marriage". That's sort of the running theme of the Old Testament (those poor Jews get a lot of flak for not obeying the Big Man - it's a wonder they bothered in the long run), not an obsession with spilled semen.

Of course, the Catholics don't agree about this. They cite (one of several, there are of course others) jewish traditions about this, cite Jerome, and generally rant about. However, to the Protestant tradition (and to secular Bible Criticism, which is treating the bible as just another religious book) what God is miffed about is Onan refusing to follow the instructions that, according to his duty to perform levirate marriage later in the Bible (in the Deutoronomies or whatever it's called again) - the sin is disobeying the Lord, not wanking off.

**sephodwyrm** · November 29, 2007, 04:14 PM

This is an oft discussed topic that is approaching the realms of being over-discussed.

You can contribute here in the ultimate thread.
http://www.twcenter.net/forums/showthread.php?t=114910

**Roman Knight** · November 30, 2007, 05:13 AM

**jankren** · November 30, 2007, 04:19 PM

Listen monkey spankers, stop what you are doing.

Lol at the "Every sperm is sacred" song.

**~~Exarch~~** · November 30, 2007, 10:21 PM

yes, funny how church ppl object to ppl whacking off cuz of potential lives lost when it's perfectly fine for someone like Joshua to kill every man woman and child at jericho.
yes, from such noble actions, i can see why i must make the bible my moral compass

**~~The Prophet~~** · November 30, 2007, 10:49 PM

:wub: is my life!

**The Good** · November 30, 2007, 11:29 PM

“Then Judah said to Onan, ‘Lie with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to produce offspring for your brother.’ But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother’s wife he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so he put him to death also.”

I think everyone missunderstood the verses. What was wicked was not the actual semen being ejected, it was the fact that Onan intentionally did not want his brother's family continued.

**jankren** · November 30, 2007, 11:42 PM

Originally Posted by Lucius Julius

I think everyone missunderstood the verses. What was wicked was not the actual semen being ejected, it was the fact that Onan intentionally did not want his brother's family continued.

So jacking off is actually okay in Christianity? If yes then I can immediately tell the Indonesian Christians over in an Indonesian forum who are hotly debating whether or not :wub: is a sin.

**FirstManOnTheMoon** · November 30, 2007, 11:57 PM

"So jacking off is actually okay in Christianity? If yes then I can immediately tell the Indonesian Christians over in an Indonesian forum who are hotly debating whether or not :wub: is a sin."

What are you talking about? Where does it say anything about :wub:. The sin lies in that Onan did not want to impregnate his brother's wife, because if she concieved, his brother's land would pass to the children. Onan wanted to keep the land for himself , and so was punished for that, not for spilling semen on the ground.

**Otherside** · December 01, 2007, 12:29 AM

oops i angered god again.... and again...and again..

**~~Ummon~~** · December 01, 2007, 11:33 AM

Unfortunately, Onan's sin is more like Pride. He refuses to follow God's orders, by the way. Nothing is said about doing the same without divine instructions to do otherwise. One of many threads based on a likely wrong, certainly imprecise interpretation of a Bible passage.

**Sosobra** · December 01, 2007, 05:20 PM

Originally Posted by Ummon

Unfortunately, Onan's sin is more like Pride. He refuses to follow God's orders, by the way. Nothing is said about doing the same without divine instructions to do otherwise. One of many threads based on a likely wrong, certainly imprecise interpretation of a Bible passage.

Guess God wanted to watch some porn ....

**Tomas of Hinckley** · December 02, 2007, 04:41 PM

come on God is all powerful , if he wanted to watch some porn his very thought would create the hottest porn imaginable instantly, why go to such convoluted methods?

**Siblesz** · December 02, 2007, 05:28 AM

Originally Posted by Ummon

Unfortunately, Onan's sin is more like Pride. He refuses to follow God's orders, by the way. Nothing is said about doing the same without divine instructions to do otherwise. One of many threads based on a likely wrong, certainly imprecise interpretation of a Bible passage.

Whatever happened to free will?

God: "Have the baby!"
Onan: "No."
God: "To hell you go, then!" *zap*