Five People That Need to be Beaten

[Felixion]

The media provides us here on Earth with a constant stream of Douche-Baggery with which we are forced to put up with. The next time you turn on the television and five hours later your wife, having been physically abused for the third time that month has left you - the cops are kicking down the door and you wave your bloodied, rum-soaked hands into the sky in despair just know you're not alone. We all have nights like that - and it's not our fault. It's these people's fault:

5.) Nancy Grace



When one hears the Georgian drawl come spewing out of the television like a demonic cadence trying to eat your brain it conjurs feelings of hatred. This is a normal reaction. Nancy Grace only decided to pursue a career in "law" (If that's what one calls *****ing at silenced T.V. guests about how guilty everyone with a penis is in any given situation) after her husband, and likely the weakest most emasculated man in history - Keith Griffin was murdered. Yes, I know it's sickening to imagine Nancy Grace sitting in her trailer in Macon, Georgia wearing dirty overalls weeping over the death of her would-be-husband, swearing to the gods that she would right the wrongs commited by dedicating her life to justice. Whining about Lindsay Lohan's violation of parole doesn't quite live up to it Nancy.

Level of beating deserved: 2. Nothing worse than she got from her alcoholic father when she was 12. At least she isn't on the Fox News network.

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4.) Soulja Boy. Or Soulja Boy Tellem, I don't know. It doesn't matter.



Aside from being the proprietor of what are unquestionably the most ridiculous, and downright hazardous pair of sunglasses ever worn by anyone, this hoodrat who I should mention is seventeen ****ing years old has flooded the airwaves recently with his hit "Crank That". Let's examine a excerpt of this masterpiece:

Soulja Boy Up In This Ooo
Watch Me Crank It
Watch Me Roll
Watch Me Crank Dat Soulja Boy
den Super Man Dat Ooo
Now watch me Yuaaaaaaaa

This looks like the transcript of a downs-syndrome child commanding his friends to observe him raping a G.I. Joe. This isn't music. This is what we call "retarded".

Level of beating deserved: 3.5. A good kick in the teeth and a punch right in the middle of those stupid ****ing glasses would do this kid some good.

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3.) Law and Order: SVU. I'm aware this isn't a person, so we'll just go with the whole cast.



This has got to be one of the most gratuitously vile shows in creation. This is the kind of garbage that relies only on shock value to captivate the audience. If you've ever watched a single episode of this show, you know how it all goes.

RANDOM COP: "It's a mess detective. A real mess."

DETECTIVE: "What do we got?"

RANDOM COP: "A quadrapeligic baby was stuffed into a garbage can and blown up with dynamite."

DETECTIVE: "Jesus. Is that it?"

RANDOM COP: "No. There's semen everywhere. We found it on the baby, and in the garbage can. And on the street outside. There may have even been semen in the bomb."

Law and Order: SVU's obsession with semen and dead babies is both concerning, and disturbing. All of this is made worse by the horrid acting skills of Ice-T who will randomly interrupt dialogue with a stupid-ass "i'm pissed" look on his face and throw out a line like "Let's go get these bastards!". No, Ice-T. Stay there and color while the big boys take care of everything.

Level of beating deserved: 4. Just shoot the big guy, because he might be a pain in the ass to take down. The woman won't be much trouble, maybe throw them all off a fire escape.

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2.) Rosie O'Donnell



We'll not even bother making fun of her nauseating physical appearance - that wouldn't exactly be fair. It should be mentioned however that she is probably the most revolting woman alive. Inside and out. Mainly out. She looks like she spends all day stuffing twinkies into her fat ****ing mouth. She pauses just long enough to spew out completely incoherent, said-for-attention ******** on her lonely-housewife show "The View". Maybe she was fired from that actually. Who really gives a ****? It's the view.

Plus, she insulted Donald Trump. A lot. I'm no staunch fan of Donald but at least he's been successful and he has an admirable talent for business. Rosie on the other hand has only an admirable talent for eating. A lot.

Level of beating deserved: 4.5. She should be force-fed baby-back ribs until she passes out. This also should be broadcast live on national television.

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1.) Criss Angel. Or Mind Freak. Criss Angel the Mind Freak. Let's just make it easy and call him a total ****ing ass-hole.



I'm just going to try and save myself from the migraine that will surely follow me thinking about this tool for a prolonged period of time, and use his wikipedia page for some fun facts.

...Angel grew up loving music (playing drums, and accordion)...

He played the goddamn accordian. and liked it.

...One of Criss's biggest influences has been his father, who died from stomach cancer...

Criss's biggest influence is a guy who died. A guy who is dead. He is influenced by a dead person. As in no longer alive.

On the Penn Jillette Radio show, hosted by another magician, Penn Jillette of Penn & Teller, Criss Angel stated that he does not have supernatural abilities, nor does he believe that anyone has supernatural abilities.

Wow, Criss. Thank you for that shining nugget of wisdom. Guys! Criss Angel doesn't believe anyone has supernatural abilities.

"no one has the ability, that I'm aware of, to do anything supernatural, psychic, talk to the dead. And that was what I said I was going to do with "Phenomenon." If somebody goes on that show and claims to have supernatural psychic ability, I'm going to bust them live and on television."

This was said to Larry King about Criss being a judge on Phenomenon. An American Idol for douchbag magicians. Criss, why the **** are you judging a magic show if you're completely against the concept of magic? Isn't that the entire point of a magician? To cleverly convince idiots like the people that watch your show that there's some crazy mystical **** going on?

One of Criss Angel's job titles is a "mentalist." A ****ing MENTALIST. I hate Criss Angel so much I'm going to cut this one short.

Level of beating deserved: 5. I don't even care how or to what degree he is beaten up. I actually just thought of something better. Why don't we just have someone make him disappear? It would be both poignant and appropriate.

Hope you feel better now.

Right on, A-team!

[Seleucus I Nicator]

I gotta agree on Rosie O'Donnel. She's such a ****ing fat whiny ***** - at least according to South Park which is enough proof for me to believe it. Oh god, I wanted to chop her ****ing head off after watching an SP episode she was in.

By the way, it is allowed according to the rules to insult celebs since they are not members here, right?

[Valentin the II]

I gotta agree on Rosie O'Donnel. She's such a ****ing fat whiny ***** - at least according to South Park which is enough proof for me to believe it. Oh god, I wanted to chop her ****ing head off after watching an SP episode she was in.

By the way, it is allowed according to the rules to insult celebs since they are not members here, right?

Talk about impresionable.
Do you also buy everything comercials tell you to?

EDIT: Mell Gibson deserves a proper thrashing.
That guy is a :wub: and a racist.

[Seleucus I Nicator]

Mel Gibson is so ****ing cool! I for one think it is cool to act out sexist and racist behaviors.

[Shaun]

- at least according to South Park which is enough proof for me to believe it.

Mel Gibson is so ****ing cool! I for one think it is cool to act out sexist and racist behaviors.

[Wild Bill Kelso]

Felixion run, I can hear Maddox coming to get you! Dar can be Only on pirate O'de Web. Aarrrgh (Now I run from Captain Arrrgh!)

Good piece though!

[RZZZA]

agree on soulja boy. Youre overthinking his lyrics though, yes theyre retarded. His music is retarded so people can get retarded to it, that is its purpose.

And lay off criss angel, he's not so bad.

[Pra]

Good post, but I think you're clutching at straws even more on Chris Angel than with the others.

[Seleucus I Nicator]

Nancy Grace at the top looks quite annoying too in that pic, but I've no idea whether she's annoying or not based on a pic of course.

As for Law & Order, yes, it sucks.

[Axeman]

I laughed the most at the SVU one , lol!

[The Super Pope]

5. Michael Moore - For being a four-eyed, grinning fat bastard of a socialist weasel.

4. Steve martin - Anyone who watches the Pink Panther films and thinks "Hmm, I could do better" is clearly dangerously insane and should be incinerated.

3. Piers Morgan - Absolute nonce, indirectly accountable for the deaths of British soldiers in Iraq by printing fake pictures of prisoner abuse which enflamed public opinion. Also hated by Ian Hislop and Jeremy Clarkson who I hold as better than God

2. Ant & Dec - A pair of Geordie goblins, they are a demonstration of how far you can get with no talent. All they seem to do is perform routines so old they're in the bible, pour maggots into Z-list celebrities mouths and con phone-in customers.

1. Jade Goody - ****ing talentless **** **** **** fat ***** ****ing big brother **** **** thick ********ing godawful mother ****ing ugly **** ***** really ****ing fat ***** **** ****

[J@mes]

5. Michael Moore - For being a four-eyed, grinning fat bastard of a socialist weasel.

4. Steve martin - Anyone who watches the Pink Panther films and thinks "Hmm, I could do better" is clearly dangerously insane and should be incinerated.

3. Piers Morgan - Absolute nonce, indirectly accountable for the deaths of British soldiers in Iraq by printing fake pictures of prisoner abuse which enflamed public opinion. Also hated by Ian Hislop and Jeremy Clarkson who I hold as better than God

2. Ant & Dec - A pair of Geordie goblins, they are a demonstration of how far you can get with no talent. All they seem to do is perform routines so old they're in the bible, pour maggots into Z-list celebrities mouths and con phone-in customers.

1. Jade Goody - ****ing talentless **** **** **** fat ***** ****ing big brother **** **** thick ********ing godawful mother ****ing ugly **** ***** really ****ing fat ***** **** ****

Yes Jade Goody complete FAKE she needs a good slap!!!!

[Thanatos]

5. Michael Moore
4. Jesse Jackson
3. Hillary Clinton
2. Bill Clinton
1. George Bush

[IronBrig4]

5. Ann Coulter

Why: Just for being a downright mean person.

4. Michelle Malkin

Why: Same as above, plus she's a self-loathing Asian. I mean come on, she actually argued that the Japanese internment camps were a good thing.

3. All San Francisco Giants fans everywhere.

Why: Barry Bonds is a fraud, and everybody else knows it. But Bonds will get into the record books because his legions of Bay Area fans won't stop worshipping him.

2. Everybody who likes the Politically Incorrect Guide series for anything other than the unintended humor.

Why: Those books are bad history, and only serve to make brain-dead Americans feel good about America and Christianity. They read like German textbooks, circa 1937. I'm waiting for them to suddenly find archaeological sites that prove ancient Americans were an advanced super race.

1. Those "Code Pink" morons.

Why: Their parents obviously forgot to beat them. We need to make up for lost time.

[Balikedes]

3. All San Francisco Giants fans everywhere.

Why: Barry Bonds is a fraud, and everybody else knows it. But Bonds will get into the record books because his legions of Bay Area fans won't stop worshipping him.

I actually agree with you on all your picks but this one, the fans aren't the problem...I was B&R in SF and don't actually know a baseball fan who would like the guy back. I myself think he's a jackass.
The problem with SF baseball is that no one born in SF actually lives there anymore, it's loaded with a bunch of people from everywhere else. The fans that go to the game consist of: 50% people who go to 1 game a year with their boss/family, 45% fans of the other team and 5% of real Giants fans...who think BB is a complete weasel.

[TAG]

Five People That Need to be Beaten;

1.Paris Hilton
2.Britney spears-those two just for waisting my time. I hate when those *****es appear at the news.
3.50 cent
4.Jacques Chirac-I always found him annoying
5.Ahmadinejad-For the obvious reasons+ his face demands beating.

[King Edward III]

5. Michael Moore - For being a four-eyed, grinning fat bastard of a socialist weasel.

4. Steve martin - Anyone who watches the Pink Panther films and thinks "Hmm, I could do better" is clearly dangerously insane and should be incinerated.

3. Piers Morgan - Absolute nonce, indirectly accountable for the deaths of British soldiers in Iraq by printing fake pictures of prisoner abuse which enflamed public opinion. Also hated by Ian Hislop and Jeremy Clarkson who I hold as better than God

2. Ant & Dec - A pair of Geordie goblins, they are a demonstration of how far you can get with no talent. All they seem to do is perform routines so old they're in the bible, pour maggots into Z-list celebrities mouths and con phone-in customers.

1. Jade Goody - ****ing talentless **** **** **** fat ***** ****ing big brother **** **** thick ********ing godawful mother ****ing ugly **** ***** really ****ing fat ***** **** ****

Only FIVE people that need to be beaten in all of culture. I could beat so many more. Anyways, here's my five.

5: Michael Moore - Fat, annoying bastard that should get over himself and stop giving us Liberals a bad name

4: Kanye West - He thinks the Bible should be rewritten with him as a character, 'nuff said.

3: Mel Gibson - Annoying bastard who seems to blame everything on the English or the Jews

2: Paris Hilton - Ugly, spoiled *****. God I hate her

1: Christopher Paolini - Aragorn... Eragon... Yeah, like i'm not going to pick up on that

1. George Bush

(s)

[Eric]

Only FIVE people that need to be beaten in all of culture. I could beat so many more. Anyways, here's my five.

5: Michael Moore - Fat, annoying bastard that should get over himself and stop giving us Liberals a bad name

4: Kanye West - He thinks the Bible should be rewritten with him as a character, 'nuff said.

3: Mel Gibson - Annoying bastard who seems to blame everything on the English or the Jews

2: Paris Hilton - Ugly, spoiled *****. God I hate her

1: Christopher Paolini - Aragorn... Eragon... Yeah, like i'm not going to pick up on that

[Pra]

Only FIVE people that need to be beaten in all of culture. I could beat so many more. Anyways, here's my five.

5: Michael Moore - Fat, annoying bastard that should get over himself and stop giving us Liberals a bad name

4: Kanye West - He thinks the Bible should be rewritten with him as a character, 'nuff said.

3: Mel Gibson - Annoying bastard who seems to blame everything on the English or the Jews

2: Paris Hilton - Ugly, spoiled b--tch. God I hate her

1: Christopher Paolini - Aragorn... Eragon... Yeah, like i'm not going to pick up on that

4. No he doesn't he was making a statement that's it. 2. I'd hit that, I'm pretty sure most would too.'

Agree on 1. **** that guy.

[Mathias]

4. No he doesn't he was making a statement that's it. 2. I'd hit that, I'm pretty sure most would too.'

Agree on 1. **** that guy.

I hope you are joking about 2. The only thing I would hit Paris Hilton with is a baseball bat.