How to kill your king
Is your regent begging for regicide? Is he taking a bit too long to take that other step into the grave? Is that young warlord heir you've groomed since adolescence growing old waiting around?
Then, my squire, follow these simple steps to glory. Aye, though be warned: it is a manual of treachery and traitorousness. Lest ye become the insidious dogs you've armed to conquer, as the void someday soon may stare back.
1. Ship-based regicide. The easiest, though for the real up-and-coming warlord, it's not 'hands-on' enough. Sending your king to sea aboard a lone rickety vessel might easily do the trick, but the pirates you seek may not be close at hand, and even worse, his gallant crews might just win the day. In either case, news from afar is somewhat of a shallow victory for those who wish their ex-regent a gallant, though un-martyred death.
2. Land-based regicide. Far more endearing to your heir's deep bloodlust for power, though sending a king away to face a whole army might make him a tad skittish, and should he happen to slip away...
2a) Find the biggest nearby enemy army, preferably one with masses of spearmen and other assorted pointy things. For a more deserved and noble death, have him taunt the trebuchets.
2b) Gallop your soon-to-be ex-regent through the line of spears. Don't attack, lest you give birth to your people's idea that he died a noble death. Later you can tell them of his stupidity and they'll probably believe you.
2c) Make sure he's surrounded. The objective here is leaving no escape for the stupid old sod. If the enemy has several lines, stand him between two and wait. Again, avoid the urge to fight back, as this might cause undue injury to one of the surrounding regiments.
2d) Say something dignified before it's too late. He was your king, and there's a slight chance he did something noble for the empire. "It was good to be king" is a favourite, though something like "My kingdom for a horse that doesn't die" is also acceptable.
2e) Wait. No one ever said regicide would be an easy, bloodless process. Though the blood is on your hands, it will eventually fall onto the lowest of peasants pricking him with a pitchfork. Stand true, be courageous from behind your gates, for your king will fall.
Hooray! He is an ex-kinnniggit! The land will rejoice, but lest ye forget to make haste to the capital for your glorious coronation.
Don't worry. Though it sounds complicated, with a little practice soon you may be killing kings at the rate of 1 per year, and someday branch into fratricide and even filicide. Good luck, and may your enemies heed to your ruthless ways.
(placed in the DLV forum as a) it's most applicable here, and b) it's the only 'modulation' I play)
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