I'm getting divorced...

[Marie Louise von Preussen]

Be brave and fight out for your rights. If she had an affair, and especially if you're better qualified as a parent (money, time, experience, etc...) then the judge will favor you. Just be cautious and don't give up the right to see your children 'till the last moment.

Just be careful, as Siblesz said, to not go further with this for too much time except when strictly necessary. Do all what you need in less than one or two years; I remember my parents' divorce was quite traumatic because of delays & such that actually made that run for about four years 'till they were oficially divorced.

[misfitsfiend138]

wat part of virginia is she moving back to anyways?

[David Deas]

You trying to catch her on the rebound?

You sly dog you.

[Siblesz]

I disagree with Siblesz, moving to Virginia is not a good idea. It will hurt you, and what hurts you will hurt the kids. I do suggest talking to your ex-wife about sending your children to a grandparents while you settle custody matters. It doesn't matter which ones, but preferably yours so they stay in Montana. That way you can settle this in court and your children don't have to deal with it as much.

Have you ever seen a kid brainwashed by his mother to hate his father? That's what happens when you debate custody. Unless he has an extraordinarily good and civil relationship with his wife, that is what's going to happen if he becomes "the enemy". So I'd try to be as civil, as honest, and as helping as possible. Do not let your emotions get in the way when your children's stability in life depends on it.

[ErikinWest]

Now usually the courts favour the mother, as she tends to be the one that stays at home. But since you have been at home, and have raised your children, I think her advantage will be gone. Not to mention she cheated on you.

I think the battle will be tough, but the legal system in America is good enough that you will win custody, or at least have main custody. Naturally, I'm sure your ex. will still get visiting rights.

Sorry about your misfortune,
Erik

[David Deas]

Have you ever seen a kid brainwashed by his mother to hate his father? That's what happens when you debate custody. Unless he has an extraordinarily good and civil relationship with his wife, that is what's going to happen if he becomes "the enemy".

You can't make that generalization, dude.

A lot of times children who dislike their father after the divorce are completely justified.

[Farnan]

Have you ever seen a kid brainwashed by his mother to hate his father? That's what happens when you debate custody. Unless he has an extraordinarily good and civil relationship with his wife, that is what's going to happen if he becomes "the enemy".

Yea, my parents divorced when I was 10...

My mom decided not to fight custody, we could tell she was miserable with the situation, and since she didn't fight my Dad pretty much dictated the terms which caused the situation to be worse for us.

Remember we are not talking about who has weekends, we are talking about a move of 1500 miles.

[morteduzionism]

I can't believe it. My whole life is nothing more than a shattered hall of mirrors. It was an illusion.

Don't look at it that way. It wasn't an illusion. Life is change. Nothing lasts forever. That(marriage) was one part of your life, now you're moving into a new part...

My wife (we've been together 15 years) had an affair. I still wanted to work it out to spare our two boys (5 1/2 and 1 1/2.)

I don't understand this type of thinking...what exactly would you be sparing the boys from?

Now she's decided it's not going to work out and wants to leave me.

If she is the one that wants to leave you and Montana, you should ask her what do your sons have to do with it.

She wants to take my two boys back to Virginia to live and expects me to leave my family and just plant myself there with nothing and nobody. She basically said, it shouldn't be alot to ask to be near the boys.

No disrespect. IMO, the only reason she'd even consider something this ridiculous is because she thinks she can get away with it. If throughout your marriage you've rarely asserted yourself, you could be reaping what you've sown.

Cynical-it could be reverse psychology, she really doesn't want the children...she only suggested this to appear like the loving mom...she wants you to fight it so she can lose with face.

She wants to destroy our family and divorce.

Maybe getting rid of her won't "destroy" the family but save it! Addition by subtraction.

She wants to take my boys (the most important thing in my life!) 1500 miles away and expects me to move there if I want to be apart of their lives.

This is the craziest part of it. You should just laugh at her. Again, if she's serious, the only reason I can imagine her thinking something this wild is because somewhere in her mind she considers it possible. The only reason she'd think that, IMO, is because you've allowed it to get this far. I don't know what type of personality you have but she obviously thinks you're a punk.(someone that she can walk over)

Does anyone else see SELFISH here?

It's so blatantly selfish that, again, I can only imagine she's doing it because she feels she can get away with it.

Montana has 'no fault' divorce. So nothing factors in on that part. But surely, the judge would have to take all of this into consideration (add the fact I work with special needs kids for a living) and not give her full custody. I know woman usually have the upper hand on these things. But I was also a stay-at-home dad for over two years with our oldest son. Hopefully that factors as well.

Simply tell her she can leave but she's not getting custody of your sons. What do you think she'd do?

Affair=Total disregard for the boys' well being

I don't understand this. Unless you're suggesting that their "well being" is linked with the idea of fidelity. But wouldn't the fact that she wants the divorce be just as damaging? How did they find out she had an affair anyway?

Destroying the family=Total disregard for the boys' well being

Not understanding this one either. Apparently she's unable to keep her promises or to be trusted completely. Sounds like she would've done more harm to the family by remaining a part of it.

Uprooting them and taking them 1500 miles away from their Dad (who they LOVE to death)=Total disregard for the boys' well being.

I've already said what I feel about this. She cheats on you, asks for a divorce, refuses to try to work it out and then expects to take your children...dude...the only reason I can see her thinking this is sane is because you've catered to her so much that she believes her :wub: don't stink...

But I'm more worried about my boys and the prospects of either losing them or having to plant myself in Virginia with nobody and nothing. I have a lot of sorted memories from living there before. The only good memories I had of Virginia were of meeting my wife and having fun with her there. Now those are nothing but more painful memories.

I was going to suggest moving to Washington, DC(close but not too close) but since you said you were from Montana...lol...I don't think you'd like D.C.(no big sky and little to no grass, etc)...I'll say it again tell her she can go live wherever she wants...without your sons!

[ajimenez3]

As has been stated try to stay on good terms with her while this goes through. Whatever she says or dose be nice.
Most importantly Lawyer up. Do not agree or talk to her about any arrangements. Let the Lawyer do that he is there to work in your best intrest and has no personal stake in it.

Sorry to her about the divorce and everything you are going and will go trough.

[Farnan]

As has been stated try to stay on good terms with her while this goes through. Whatever she says or dose be nice.
Most importantly Lawyer up. Do not agree or talk to her about any arrangements. Let the Lawyer do that he is there to work in your best intrest and has no personal stake in it.

Sorry to her about the divorce and everything you are going and will go trough.

Agree 100%, most importantly lawyer up. I also suggest sending away the kids, and trying to stay on decent terms with her without being a doormat.

[Siblesz]

Yea, my parents divorced when I was 10...

My mom decided not to fight custody, we could tell she was miserable with the situation, and since she didn't fight my Dad pretty much dictated the terms which caused the situation to be worse for us.

Remember we are not talking about who has weekends, we are talking about a move of 1500 miles.

I've moved around from place to place since I was 12. The move is not that big a deal, from personal experience. What is a big deal is losing your family. You can make and break friends very easily. But the family is an extension of you. You lose your family, and you really do lose a part of yourself. It's a lot more traumatic not to be able to see your own children than to move to another town... I'd understand if the move was to Bolivia, but it's inside America. That's probably the least concern.

I was going to suggest moving to Washington, DC(close but not too close) but since you said you were from Montana...lol...I don't think you'd like D.C.(no big sky and little to no grass, etc)...I'll say it again tell her she can go live wherever she wants...without your sons!

Maybe West Virginia? It can be beautiful there.

You can't make that generalization, dude.

A lot of times children who dislike their father after the divorce are completely justified.

A lot of times it isn't. And from LG's stories about his children, the pictures, and now this thread, I know he does not deserve in any way to be hated by his children in the future.

[David Deas]

Re: Lawyer up.

Well. Bringing a lawyer into the fray is the *last* thing you want to do if it is at all possible to avoid. Off the record, they'll tell you that if you can avoid the the courts dictating the situation to you, and deciding how to run things for you, then you should take that route instead.

[Hotspur]

Oh Gruffles, I am so sorry.

[Farnan]

I've moved around from place to place since I was 12. The move is not that big a deal, from personal experience. What is a big deal is losing your family. You can make and break friends very easily. But the family is an extension of you. You lose your family, and you really do lose a part of yourself. It's a lot more traumatic not to be able to see your own children than to move to another town... I'd understand if the move was to Bolivia, but it's inside America. That's probably the least concern.

Except the distance and climate is like moving from Sweden to Southern France. Family is by far the most important however, but he needs his other family too.

If however you do decide to move to Virginia, move to the Shenandoah Valley, extremely beautiful. I also got a cousin who is a bar certified lawyer there who was in the same social circle as Johnny Cochran...

But lawyer up even if you don't bring it to court. That way if she decides to you don't have to rush to find one.

[LoZz]

Have you ever seen a kid brainwashed by his mother to hate his father? That's what happens when you debate custody. Unless he has an extraordinarily good and civil relationship with his wife, that is what's going to happen if he becomes "the enemy". So I'd try to be as civil, as honest, and as helping as possible. Do not let your emotions get in the way when your children's stability in life depends on it.

if this was one of those "this isnt working out" kind of devorces when no one is in the wrong i would agree with your advice, but this isnt the case, he is in the right and she is in the wrong.

not only that, it would be better for the children to stay in montana and sleep in their own beds every night. moving to virginia is going to cause alot of problems in terms of stability and the 5 year old is going to have to start over again making friends. it would be better for him atlest to stay at his home in montana

[Savage_Swede]

Damn, i'm so sorry for you mate. I don't know much other advice to give you other than to hang in there and fight.

[Farnan]

And get a lawyer even if you don't bring it to court, so if she brings it to court you aren't scrambling to find one.

[Siblesz]

if this was one of those "this isnt working out" kind of devorces when no one is in the wrong i would agree with your advice, but this isnt the case, he is in the right and she is in the wrong.

not only that, it would be better for the children to stay in montana and sleep in their own beds every night. moving to virginia is going to cause alot of problems in terms of stability and the 5 year old is going to have to start over again making friends. it would be better for him atlest to stay at his home in montana

Children adapt easily. Especially small children. Adults are the ones with the real problems. Don't cater to children's problems, unless they have to do with their parent's own problems first. A child can move quite easily and make new friends the next day... But parents will always let those emotions of hate and jealousy get in the way and bring the children into their fights. And it doesn't matter who's in the wrong in divorces. What does matter is that the children should not be included in the pool of hatred that is formed when two parents divorce and fight it off.

Except the distance and climate is like moving from Sweden to Southern France.

So? I'd even think the climate in VA is more pleasant.

[Ummon]

In these cases, the important thing to do is IMHO, besides getting a good lawyer, detaching yourself from the choices you made in the past. If she had been the right person for you to make a family with, this wouldn't have happened.

[morteduzionism]

And get a lawyer even if you don't bring it to court, so if she brings it to court you aren't scrambling to find one.

Lawyers are "it's" now...dag...

In these cases, the important thing to do is IMHO, besides getting a good lawyer, detaching yourself from the choices you made in the past. If she had been the right person for you to make a family with, this wouldn't have happened.

You can't really say this. People change. I'd hope a person WOULD NOT be the same person after 15 yrs...learn from past mistakes but don't go overboard...