Fuzz's Product Reviews: Asian Experience!
Greeting all, welcome to the first of hopefully many product reviews by yours truly. Today we focus on edible items, if you use the term 'edible' in the loosest sense of the word.
The other day I was sauntering through the local zoo (Walmart) and I noticed a new section called Quick Meals. Intrigued by the thought of discovering exciting new foods, I approach. And then, it catches my eye:
STEVEN SEAGAL'S LIGHTNING ENERGY DRINK!!! HOO AHHH
There are two flavors, Cherry Charge and Asian Experience. Cherry Charge bored me right off--the flavor was obvious. But the other--this Asian experience--it apparenty tastes like Asian? Or an Asian experience? I'm always up for suprises, so I grabbed the can.
I considered drinking it right off, but I thought that if I'm going to be drinking something Steven Seagal recommends that doesn't even have a real flavor, I should do some background checks. Time to fire up the world wide web.
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http://www.lightningdrink.com/
The first paragraph on the website reads:
Let's analyze these statements.Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt is an energy drink as unique as the man who created it. It has pioneered the way for nutritional, all natural energy drinks and emerged as many “firsts”:
- First energy drink to contain Tibetan Goji Berries
- First energy drink to contain Asian Cordyceps
It is also one of the very few energy drinks to be offered in multiple flavors and is available in 60 countries worldwide
I can't find anything positive to say here. He certainly is unique, but that's not a good thing.an energy drink as unique as the man who created it.
I'm going to call BS on Steven here, not sure how can can pioneer anything if the only place your product is sold is Amazon.com and select 7-11s. (According to the website.) They clearly forgot about Walmart. Of equal concern is the term "Asian Cordyceps". At first I thought it was some sort of muscle, but luckily a quick search revealed it was only some parasitic fungus.It has pioneered the way for nutritional, all natural energy drinks and emerged as many “firsts”:
- First energy drink to contain Tibetan Goji Berries
- First energy drink to contain Asian Cordyceps
Whew, not eating Chinese people. Only a caterpillar fungus.Cordyceps sinensis, also called Chinese caterpillar fungus, is a fungus native to the Tibetan plateau in China. The fungus is parasitic, and grows in the moth caterpillar. Spores enter the host, germinate, and ultimately kill the larva
The next paragraph on the energy drink's website is epic.
Let's ignore the fact that the last two sentences make so sense whatsoever. Actually, I can't figure out what the hell they were trying to say in the first place. Let's not ignore that, and move on instead.The name Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt was an inevitable afterthought. When Steven Seagal finished creating a drink that holds untold natural power, there was only one equivalent in nature- The Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt. Both mysterious and powerful, it's a symbol of the untold energy the earth has to offer- Such is Steven Seagals Lightning Bolt energy drink.
I'm tired of browsing his site. I want to drink the Asian Experience, and presumably find out what it's like to be Asian, or at least have an Asian experience, whatever that may be... I pop the can open. Look inside. Looks clear, with maybe a tint of blue. I can never tell, the can's colors always mess with my mind.
I take a quick sip. At first I can't taste anything. Then I taste something, but I have no idea what the hell it is. It's not unpleasant, but not pleasant either. The word that came to mind was 'blue'. I gulp down some more, hoping to be enlightened on what the drink really tastes like, but all I got was more Blue. I finished the drink with the taste of Blue strong in my mouth.
After drinking this I have no better understanding of what it is like to be Asian--I should have asked my friend, I guess. But I have tasted a color for the first time in human history, and for that I thank Steven Seagal. Steven, only someone as unique as you could first turn a color into a flavor, and then make that flavor/color completely forgettable. Congratulations.
The Fuzzy Low-down
The drink left me unsatisfied yet satisfied, with a headache and heartburn, but only slightly, so that I could attribute it to some other cause. Clearly Steven Seagal is a man of contradictions, and he wanted his terrible drink to reflect that. Hours later you forget about the confusion over what the flavor actually was and just remember the drink as bad.
But, or only a dollar, Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink: Asian Experience is a good buy for the experience (not necesarily an Asian one). Assume they spent 65 cents printing the insanely long name, 10 cents to create the drink, and maybe 30 to ship it. That is actually more than a dollar, but as Steven says: “I have made a lot of mistakes. But I've worked hard. I have no fear of death. More important, I don't fear life.”
The world thanks you, Steven.
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Originally Posted by Eugene Debs
