From Tingis to Tigranocerta: A Drtad AAR

[Drtad]

From Tingis to Tigranocerta: A Drtad AAR

Hi! This is my new AAR! Read it!

[Salvor Hardin]

As I have been helping Drtad with some details for his AAR, I can assure you that it is going to be something that you have never seen before

[Imbecilicvs Maximvs]

"Looking forward to it guys"

[Black Francis]

Nice, eagerly awaiting it!

[cherryfunk]

Is this with 2.0 or a top-secret beta build?

[Drtad]

Is this with 2.0 or a top-secret beta build?

It is with 2.0 but there is a top secret script...

[Drtad]

Good news! I am done with the test campaign and the AAR will begin later today!

[Drtad]

Chapter One of From Tingis to Tigranocerta: Let’s Start at Tingis…

Tingis…

King Bocchus: Mauretania has been the pawn of Rome for too long. I shall join you in your endeavor to destroy Rome, Sertorius!

Quintus Sertorius: I am glad you see it my way, King Bocchus. I hope all of our meetings can be this fruitful. I’ll see you around…

Attendant: Sir, do you really want to go to war with the all powerful Rome and side with these rebels?

Bocchus: Of course not, do you think I am daft? My plan to strengthen Mauretania and put it on the world stage is first to conquer the town of El Gour to the south in the desert to alleviate some of our financial problems. Then I shall launch an amphibious invasion of Sertorian Iberia and take as much as I can before Rome does. Once I am powerful enough I shall take on Rome itself!

Attendant: Brilliant sir… Who will lead the army?

Bocchus: Why, my subordinates of course!

El Gour…

Captain Milkyaton: What a fine day, don’t you think so, Juba?

Juba: Yeah, if you like it over a hundred degrees while wearing the armor of a scutarii mercenary.

Milkyaton: Who asked you?



Milkyaton: Come on men, they may have numerical superiority and more defensible positions and home field advantage and more javelins then we do, but so what? We have six elephants!

Juba: Very encouraging sir.

Milkyaton: Move in infantry! I will flank them with the elephants! Slingers keep slinging!

Slinger: I knew I shouldn’t have been a Balearic mercenary…





Milkyaton: Juba, tell my wife, I love her!



Juba: Nooooo! You didn’t give me her cell phone number! Take this you stupid general defending your home, stop defending it!



Juba: Yeah! We conquered a big tract of useless wasteland for the king! However I do love the style of these desert women, I may have to start conquering some of their waistland in a little bit…



Tingis…

Attendant: King Bocchus! Good news, the troops you deployed did indeed conquer El Gour! We did however lose the captain Milkyaton…

Bocchus: Who cares, they are all expendable! Prepare my fleets for the army, we, as in my armed representatives, land at dawn! And get my bath ready! We desert dwellers need to bathe a lot you know!

Lagobriga…

Captain Burrhus: The Sertoriani look surprised… good.

Juba: Yeah, real surprised. In fact, they are so surprised, that they decided to sally with their pathetic forces before Sertorius could provide reinforcements!



Burrhus: Iberian Mercenaries, attack those scutarii!




Burrhus: Hispanic Equites, attack those missile troops!



Burrhus: Okay then, march in and take out the general I guess… Man, this Mauretanian style of warfare is boring, bring on the cataphracts, baby!

Juba: Now Burrhus, don’t divulge too much of the great Drtad’s secret plan.

Burrhus: Sorry, let’s get that general!




Tingis…

Attendant: Good news from the front lines in Iberia my lord:



Bocchus: I am taking a bubblebath, do you mind!? Actually, if you could hand me that bottle of Garnier Fructise I will forgive you for your intrusion.

Attendant: Of course, my lord…

Bocchus: I have a bad feeling that the next chapter may be my last…*hint*

Stay tuned!

[IrAr]

What does this have to do with Tigranocerta?

[Drtad]

What does this have to do with Tigranocerta?

It's a secret. Look at this conversation in the last few pages of my Tigranes AAR:

Drtad:
How do I, in the middle of a game, switch to a different faction? I have seen it done, so I know it is possible. The reason I ask this is... well... pretty obvious.

Salvor Hardin:
Drtad, just tell me in which turn you want to "switch sides" and I will customize a script file for you.

Drtad:
I'll respond by PM to keep some things secret from the public.

The first post has most of the details...

[Ermeni]

nice to see another of your AAR:s.....

[karo]

Cool AAr hope you'll switch to Armenia very soon so we can see some Cataphracts killing bloodie Romans

[Empedocles]

nice one! nice to see you are using a non favourite faction!

[cherryfunk]

Hmmm, note how it says 'While CARTHAGE is stronger thanks to this death...'

[Drtad]

Thanks for all the compliments!

@Karo: Patience is a virtue...

[cherryfunk]

Can't believe you backstabbed Sertorius, he would have been your greatest ally!

[Drtad]

Can't believe you backstabbed Sertorius, he would have been your greatest ally!

There is a reason for everything... Sertorius was the easiest guy to take on to gain a foothold in Iberia. And I wanted to weaken Sertorius for the future campaign.

[bomberboy]

Your AAR's are always funny and amusing I like that.

P.S I gave you some rep.

[cherryfunk]

+1 rep for 'waist-land'

[Drtad]

Chapter Two of From Tingis to Tigranocerta:

So Long Mauritania, and Good Riddance!

Tingis…

Bocchus: Move the troops under Captain Aegicoros to conquer Turdetania.

Attendant: I shall relay the news at once, sire.

Turdetania…



Aegicoros: Today we destroy the garrison of Castulo and capture the land of the Turds in the name of King Bocchus!

Juba: Why is it called Turdetania?

Aegicoros: Don’t ask me.



Aegicoros: The enemy Scutarii approach! Iberian Infantry, overwhelm them! Keep fighting, cavalry!




Aegicoros: Move in, elephants!



Aegicoros: Stupid elephants, always running amok.



Aegicoros: We got their general! That Quintus Sertorius must be peeing in his pants right now.

Somewhere in Iberia…

Sertorius: Oh no I peed in my pants! Where is that adult diaper I sent for?!

Turdetania…

Aegicoros: Okay, let’s finish this up men!





Tingis…

Attendant: Milord, Captain Aegicoros shows promise as a general, would you like to promote him?

Bocchus: If it will get you out of my hair for a while…

Castulo…

Aegicoros: Hey I got promoted!



Aegicoros: Okay men, Quintus Sertorius himself has arrived to do battle with us. Make sure he dies!



Aegicoros: Hey wait a minute, all of my elephants were wiped out in the last battle, how can we have some here?

Juba: We salvaged them from the wreckage of the last battle sir.

Aegicoros: Okay?



Aegicoros: Move in Iberian Mercenaries, attack those legionaries!



Aegicoros: Flank them, elephants!




Aegicoros: Stupid elephants, all you do are run amok.



Aegicoros: Hey, you ran amok right all over Sertorius!



Aegicoros: We won, Castulo is ours!



Tingis…

Bocchus: Attendant!

Attendant: Yes, sire.

Bocchus: I have sold you to Pontus.

Attendant: What?!

Bocchus: Mithridates VI ran out of people for the job because he kept killing them for minor mistakes, so he paid quite a hardy sum for you.

Attendant: How much exactly?

Bocchus: 3 tetradrachmas.

Attendant: C ya later Bocchus…

Amisos…

Attendant: Greetings, oh great king of Pontus, I am your new attendant.

Mithridates: Glad to see my old buddy Bocchus came through for me. Be prepared, being my servant is no easy task. I want perfect discipline, and if I do not get it, you will be shot, no… poisoned, no… run through with my bare hands.

Attendant: *gulp*

Mithridates: Is something wrong?

Attendant: Where is the bathroom, milord? I haven’t gone since I departed from Tingis.

Mithridates: Well, I go in that nice private one behind the throne room, but yours is that pot in the far dark corner with the mildew.

Attendant: You are too kind, my basileus…

World at the time of departure from Mauretania…