Hate, Love, Hate?
This is a semi rant but opinions and or sharing of experiences are welcome.
First of all I this is somewhat difficult for me to spill my guts here but this time I will not be stoped, as it is irritating the living daylight out of me.
This is a post about illusions, two faced ways of living, deceit and estrangement in relationships although aldutery isn’t a issue in my case.
I haven’t told anyone, exept my parrent, my true feelings regarding this subject and I will be mixing it with a bit of ethics and morals to keep it relevant within the sub-forum Ethos, Mores and Monastica, it is a semi long read, so beware.
Nearly two years ago I met this beautiful Chinese girl via a mutual friend of ours in a café and we fell in love with each other at first sight, well she did to be precice, my affection came somewhat later. As chance would have it she didn’t live that far from where I live, less than 500 hundred meters.
As days progressed by she told me that she wasn’t seeking for a relationship because she came out of one not to long ago with a somewhat agrassive ex boyfriend but that is exactly what it became; a very intense and stable relationship in the most positive of ways.
She was, and still is, a student at a local university and I was preparing finacial needs to go to university myself.
Our lives and relationship went like a breeze, her mother was gone a long time to China which is where they had a second home, so we both had nothing to worry about for months.
When her mother return to the Netherlands our relationship had to be covered up in her opinion because of her mothers scepticim of combing relationships with study thus resulting in sneeking around her mother’s awareness of the situation.
I felt quite uncomfortable with it but proceded non the less.
Six months after we met we were deeply in love, we saw and talked very much and had so much in common and I viewed her as a very close friend, a soulmate if you will, and she expressed that to me also, not the soulmate bit but very close friends as well as lovers.
There were some flaws in the relationship communication-wise like her inability to talk about the things that bothered her which included her mother and her choice of study amongst other problems.
Anyhow, she conviced me that she wanted a serious relationship with me and for the first time in a long time I wasn’t scared to make that commitment. Parts of her verbal poetry consisted of finding a appartment together, getting married and eventually having kids. At first I was very sceptical regarding the issue but eventually I was smooth talked be her and let my guard down and was oblivious to any incoming signs of misery.
Misery indeed came at the fortheenth month of our relationship when she decided out of the blue, and I really mean out of the blue, to stop our relationship because she viewed me more as a friend than anything else.
In hindsight there was one sign that I should of picked up but I was overwhelmed by how she prestented herself.
I allowed myself to fall completely in love with her in the last couple of months while on her side feelings for me diminished. But that didn’t stop her from acting as she played a very convincing role.
She crushed me that day when she told me that and I was so miserable that I couldn’t even ask if she had a real or better reason to dump me. She said that I mattered very much to her and she cared a great deal for me but not in a way she did before.
We parted ways without saying too much to each other but I could slightly notice her indifference with the breakup.
I couldn’t sleep that night, nothing could cheer me up and clouds started to gather above my head that ended up staying for a long period of time. The next day I wanted some answers so I went to her place only to find out that she went out with some friends the other night and she didn’t seem to care for my feelings al to much wich seemed odd because of what she said the other day.
Days passed by, my motivation for studying went downhill and eventually came to a halt, I was beating myself down because I chose to do that and it felt just right.
An explanation never surfaced and we lost touch with each other; she wanted to be friends but her hart wasn’t in it just like mine wasn’t open for such a thing at that time.
The sudden loss of a, what I concidered, good friend left a void that my other close friends couldn’t fill and other problems and worries that I had only made it worse.
The breakup was a year ago and I only recoverd from it (not the breakup exclusivley but other problems as well) not to long ago.
It started to build my life back up again and in turn tried to avoid contact with my ex, this is because I still had very strong feelings for her.
This is because I opened up myself, my soul to her and I thought she did the same, she gave so much of herself, her secrets away to me that it appeared to be real or was maybe it was real, I really cannot tell the differance even till this day.
As time past by I heard how she talked to people I knew and they argued that she always asked about me in a caring way leaving me somewhat confused and angry.
I saw her as I was walking home today, she called my name and she was standing several meters behind me, it felt really crappy but I didn’t feel like walking away so we talked.... about everthing but the relationship which meant nothing to me, the things we talked about I mean.
She told me that she was preparing to leave Holland to live abroad in Australia with her mother ( her mother does not want her to live on her own) and she even picked a date wich is five years from now. We talked some more and eventually she ditched me because she needed to go to work in the evening. She said “I will see you around sometime eventually’’ and left for home.
It was really awkward because the conversation was the most superficial if ever had with her, the relationship thing prevented us from having a ‘’friend’’ talk and I was angered by it.
We were alienated and it felt wrong.
In the end she took what I had offered, crushed me and did absolutely nothing to ease my mind about as to why she did it other than a ‘’I am sorry, it isn’t you. I must be a bad person’’.
So this stupid rant has come to a close, I needed it to get it of my chests and that I did.
If you have opinions on people who make you believe on thing and really mean an other you can post it here.
Love is a *****.
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Originally Posted by Skyler
