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The Dude's thoughts: it still pains, part 2

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It's almost one year since he died, and I can't still get past this ... I'm not really used to such emotions, if anything I'm the kind of man that others would address as an example of being a strong character, but this time I simply can't come to terms with the feelings I'm having. I dunno, my strength comes from the fact that I can accept life for what it is, I've lost much along the way so far, so I can't get why I'm not able to cope with this.. I mean, he was a great friend, but I lost other great friends before.. maybe, and I say maybe, it's because we got to be so close just a few months before he died, after that we didn't spent time together for years..? Or maybe, because he was way more important in our lives that what I would have thought: I remember one dude mentioning this at his funeral: "this is a huge loss for our community, he was not a common character, we are gonna miss him severely" .. I guess the dude was right, we are missing him, I certainly am.

However, on a very limited positive side, his wife seems to have decided to remain to live here, and so his daughter, his last memory, is still with us. And we are not forgetting him, the first memorial is to happen soon.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

edit: Mein Herz brennt, literally

edit 2: ok I really need to dig into this, I can't keep ignoring the feelings.. I've already mentioned that his brother is basically my best friend from the youth, I mean the real best friend, the one with whom you have shared everything.. in the recent times (2020) they argued on some stupid things like properties and such, and while I can't say that they parted completely, they certainly haven't been in nice relations since then. This kind of happens, especially when one doesn't have anything more serious to deal with, sometimes people get past over it, other times they end up in court, so any outcome could have been possible.. of course as we knew that Maurizio was sick, his brother rushed to help him, but I could get from what he was telling me, that Maurizio wasn't very keen to listen to him.. in general he wasn't keen to listen to anyone, but in this case I feel like that this could have been a very bad move from him.

I need to make a digression, the Hodgkin disease is said to be not the worst one, and that can be cured if taken in time.. well as far as I know, when Maurizio was notified that he was sick from it, he still had plenty of time to cure it, but he somewhat neglected it. I mean he knew it, but we didn't, because he didn't tell us until he was hospitalized the first time (I mean, like 3 months after he first knew about it) and for what I know, he did not take any real action to deal with it until he ended up in the hospital.
I remember him talking about some unusual themes for him when we had our afternoon chats at the bar, things like disease, death and the like.. I did not put much attention to why he was approaching those arguments, I actually saw him not in perfect shape but he always had a good excuse for that (such as that he was tired because he had too much sport or work).. so I simply ignored those signals.. and knowing that he was not in the best terms with his brother, I did not talk about them with him either.
I know I have no responsibilities, you can't force people into curing themselves if the don't want, happened the same with my father... still it sucks to know that I should have noticed all those signals and probably told about them to his brother (they lived at 1 hour car and they didn't see often in any case).

After I knew that he was hospitalized the second time and I got to know from one mutual friend that works at the local hospital that he was a stage 4 terminal patient, I was crushed, I simply refused to think that he neglected his condition for so long to get to the point that he was hopeless.. after that I called his brother and we had a kind of chat that one could have once or maximum twice in life.. he cried and I knew something was going to be broken forever. His brother is the kind of man that reacts to pain with anger, and he was terribly angry the day of the funeral... we just stayed outside of the Church, far from anyone, and I was the only one who could stay close to him (not even his wife) and I had to stop anyone who tried to approach him, until the mass was over and he simply went away.

But something has broken with him, I now realize that.. I now realize that we haven't been as close as we used to, and that when we meet we are not as friendly as before.. there's a coldness between us that I could not explain, that I even haven't noticed until today..

Yes when Maurizio died I lost much more than "just" a friend, it's my past life that I lost and the last remnants of youth, the illusion that things can work out well for all of us... life's a .

Updated December 28, 2022 at 08:01 AM by Flinn



  1. Flinn's Avatar
    sorry for the double edit and the somewhat contorted line of thoughts.. I'm still coping with what I've realized today, but now I see it better.. I definitely need to talk again with his brother.
  2. Flinn's Avatar
    Just to update you.. yesterday we had the memorial.. it was a nice day, I could see his mom (she's almost 80 now) to be happy of the fondness and love people showed to her in memory of her son. We literally had people coming from all over Italy and a few even from abroad, there were about 400 people to watch the match (which is quite something in our small municipality), the atmosphere was friendly and we had a nice buffet at the end.

    I'm making peace with life, that