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The Dude's thoughts: when you lose someone you love...

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It has been a while since I posted this blog, and today life got to remind me again how true that is...

I've posted about my losses extensively in the PH&A, and I'm past them (for as much as one can say to be so, of course), but there are some that are very hard to deal with.. last time I had to deal with a similar rush of emotions I was still a teenager and I had lost one of my closest cousins to Leukemia, it was terrible to say the least (he was 17, and full of hopes) and it took me a long while to deal with that: he was the eldest of our cousins, the most confident one, the strongest one, and we lost it to that horrible disease in few months. I remember being particularly involved since my father (who was a doctor) was involved in the process of trying to save him so I had continuous updates on his state. I do remember perfectly the last time I saw him, I said him goodbye from the door of his room at the hospital (because we could not go in, as he was immunosuppressed), I remember well his tiny voice, the green lights above his head... No I don't think I'll ever get over that.

I lost another cousin today, it wasn't completely unexpected, we knew he was sick (Hodgkin's disease), but I think I am one of the few who was really aware of his real conditions, but you are never prepared to something like that, never. 47, with a 5 years old daughter, a happy family.. a very strong man, both in mind and body, an athlete, a roaring character. I'm not used to cry, last time I cried it was when we buried my father almost 5 years ago, but as I write this I'm holding back tears .. he was just not a relative, but a good friend as well. His younger brother, he's like my own brother, we grew up together, and Maurizio (that was his name) was like an elder brother for both of us, for a long while. We have been far away for long, but the past couple of years we managed to get back in confidence and we usually had a good time at the least once per week, having a couple of glasses of wine and a chat.. I can't really believe that such a sturdy man like he was is now gone, I see no sense in that, I have no justifications for myself and my grief, I can only swallow the pain and try to move on.
I can't think of his daughter.. of all his closest relatives really, but the thought of his daughter is really killing me: I'm a father, I can't help but think of my own daughter right now and everything stops when it goes down to the "what if?"s .. it goes blank, dark as death..
I think of him, of what he could have possibly thought in his last moments, about his family and his daughter .. I wish I was there to hold his hand and tell him that we will take care of them, to give him a last hope and help him pass away in peace .. but I couldn't, no one could

This is one those things I'll never really get past through, I feel I need to go somewhere where I can stay alone and pray, talk and prey to our ancestors, to beg them to welcome him and tell him that he will not be forgotten and that we will do our best to bring forward what he started.

Farewell my dear friend, we will see again one day.

Updated January 07, 2022 at 08:31 AM by Flinn



  1. Turkafinwë's Avatar
    Life's harshness in full display. Losing someone, even when you know it's coming, is always tough. Nothing truly prepares you when the moment arrives. (I had this with the mother of my best friend when she died of cancer a couple of years ago, she was like a mother to me too). May Maurizio rest in peace now and your wounds start to heal mate.
  2. Flinn's Avatar
    It will be long before we could heal from this, but thanks for your kind words anyways