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The Dude's Kitchen - A nightmare made of Pizza!

Rating: 2 votes, 2.50 average.

Previous chapter here!

Now you will pardon me, but I'm Italian and when it comes to Pizza I become "uppish" .. I mean, if we are talking about porridge or bouillabaisse I'll be sitting in one corner and listen, but since Pizza is the most Italian of all foods (even more than Pasta) I can't just stay there and ignore what they are doing to it... fact is, Pizza is an easy thing to do (basically just some "flat bread" with some garnishing above it), but it's far more complex to make it properly, so that it will actually look and taste like Pizza and not like the old insole of my grandmother's shoes!

The most butchered, raped, disrespected food ever! I've tasted* Pizza which only had the round shape to make people say "hey, that's a pizza", because for the rest it was meh .. (* I remember some cases where I actually refused to taste that .. thing that they pretended to be a Pizza.. man, it's something already if I didn't actually beat them, believe me!).. simply you can't just put everything on it and pretend that to be a Pizza, there are rules, this is not 'Nam!

Ok so, as I cook I have few rules about Pizza: 1st, never for any reason buy pre-made Pizza.. even the best ones are just crap, sorry but that's what they are. 2nd, if possible always prepare the base pasta by yourself (you need flour, even better if Manitoba's, olive oil, yeast, water and salt), if you have to buy the base go for those who only have the ingredients as I listed them. 3rd, Pizza needs a wood oven, period; you can cook it in a electric or gas oven at about 250 C, but if you really want a true Pizza, you need a 400 C temperature which only wooden oven can give you (or a professional Pizza oven with refractory stone inside, but they are very expensive and you can use them only for that). True Pizza is thin and cooked fast, 60-80 seconds maximum. 4th, do not exaggerate with garnishing.. do not trust people telling you that Pizza is a single course, that's BS.. you can make a meal out of Pizza alone, that's sure, but with many different ones, starting from the less tasty (i.e. a Focaccia) and having the most salty at the end (i.e. with anchovies, ham, etc). 5th, Pizza has to be eaten warm, heck it has to be hot actually! So better to have many small pizzas that you can finish when they are still warm, that one that will be cold by the time you eventually chew it all.

I do have my own wood oven, but I do not use it often, since lighting and warming it is a long process, so better to do that when you have many things to cook (i.e. roast, home made bread, etc) or when we are up to cook many pizzas, such as when we have friends for dinner (not happened since a while, damned Covid!). Wood oven is an experience by itself believe me, if you never used one before you'll be surprised how well it cooks, it's completely different than any other form of oven and the Pizza comes out much better with it. Real wood ovens are outside (because of the heat), so it's nice to lit it in cold weather and enjoy the warm and the time with friends!

As for me I'm pretty good at making the standard pizzas: i.e. Margherita (as seen in the header pic)

Spoiler for Capricciosa

capriccio = whim

Spoiler for 4 Formaggi

Spoiler for Boscaiola

bosco = wood; I can see why you would call it so if you have mushrooms in it, but do sausages grow in woods??

Though my favorite remains the simple Pizza Marinara, particularly because it's light and fast cooking (30 seconds) and you can eat a ton of them!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

mmm Marinara = of the Sea.. once more, do oregano and tomatoes grow in the sea?

However, you can really put and mix every standard ingredient to garnish Pizza, but don't do foolish things like putting fruit (man, banana on the Pizza, really? There's a Circle on the Inferno dedicated to those who put fruit on Pizza!) or using elaborated stuff like mayonnaise o mustard.. the great thing about the Pizza is that you can get a fantastic meal out of very simple ingredients, that's what made people create it and that's how one is supposed to better enjoy it.

P.S. if you like to know why the World is fubar, just watch this video

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Updated October 28, 2020 at 09:40 AM by Flinn

Hobbies & Interests , Around the House , Entertainment


  1. Mhaedros's Avatar
    Interesting read, and beautiful pictures! I've been meaning to make my own pizza from scratch at some point (only thing is I don't have the proper oven, but electric will do I guess..), maybe it's finally time!
  2. Flinn's Avatar
    We want to see the results mate! Pictures are mandatory
  3. makanyane's Avatar
    We bought an outdoor 'pizza oven' :

    it's lovely to sit round and watch the wood fire - completely rubbish to actually try to cook anything in
  4. Flinn's Avatar
    completely rubbish to actually try to cook anything in
    it's cast iron... the only real oven is the one made with refractory bricks, you can cook everything in there; in my oven we had "Porchetta" (not the full pork because it's too big, just the belly), real unsalted bread, plenty of baked pasta, one lamb every once in a while ... and I think in total I roasted like 22 or 23 tons of potatoes in it

    Spoiler for a pic of it

    it's integrated on a wall on my warehouse, covered by a wooden roof; it's pretty much professional, made by a very good friend of mine who's a mason with 25 years of experience, it costed me like 1600 € ... and keep in mind he's a good friend, eh

    Those movable ovens/grills are nice pieces of furniture and little more I believe
    Updated September 23, 2021 at 05:26 AM by Flinn
  5. makanyane's Avatar
    Yeah the cast iron thing would make a good 'smoker' depending on quite how smokey and covered in ash you like things, but other than that nooooo

    I did for a while own a 1700's house that had a bread oven a bit like but never tried cooking in it.
  6. Flinn's Avatar
    Yup I do actually have a small smoker made of cast iron, though I honestly don't use it much (chicken, pork ribs, beef brisket) .. beef brisket is just awesome, but it takes something like 20 hours to properly smoke it so it's a sort of "once per year" stuff

    You should try to cook on a wood oven anyways, food comes out with a fantastic taste usually, especially in the kind of oven where you have the fire and the food in the same chamber (because of the taste and smell smoke will give to the food).
  7. King Athelstan's Avatar
    Remind me never to send you a picture of the abominations we make, call pizza, love and enjoy
  8. Flinn's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by King Athelstan
    Remind me never to send you a picture of the abominations we make, call pizza, love and enjoy
    lol I don't blame you tough, it's just that you are barbarians, you know?