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Akar

The best books this Holiday Season.

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Everyone here knows that reading is a grand tradition passed down from wandering nomadic tribes of oriental orators. We don't really know where the first book came from, but we also don't know when the last book will come from either, so that's okay. A lot of people say that the first book ever written was the Bible, but even more people say that it wasn't. Now that the Hanukah and Christmas seasons are here it's the perfect time to give someone you know and love the perfect gift: the gift of knowledge. Or, if you can't find any of that, get them a book.

So, what are the best books to burn for warmth around your Christmas tree this holiday season? Don't worry, I've compiled a top 10 list for you just in time for the holidays!

1. Fahrenheit 451. Obviously for the irony of it. It's a short book so you may want to get multiple copies so everyone can burn their own. I recommend burning these when you begin to open presents. Hopefully everyone should have their own that they can open and promptly burn.

2. War and Peace. Tolstoy clearly did not side with Shakespeare on brevity. This is one of the best kindling books you can get. It's long, pointless and if you burn half of the book you still have either "war" or "peace". I think Tolstoy would appreciate his works being used for practical purposes, and even if he didn't approve he wouldn't do anything about it because he's a cowardly pacifist. I recommend burning this one early, as it will take a very long time to burn and you want to get it out of the way.

3. Anna Karenina. Tolstoy's second greatest contribution to the world of literary kindling. A long and slovenly discourse on the life of a young Russian girl as written with the knowledge and perspective of an 80 year old Russian man. Tolstoy's works always make for good burning. I recommend burning this one with War and Peace as it contributes oak overtones to the scent.

4. Various Religious Texts. Religious texts are very dense and flammable due to the inherent magic and sorcery contained within. They make a great start to a book burning although caution should be taken. Some ancient texts are known to be the ancient sanctuaries of long forgotten Demon Princes, yearning and waiting for a moment to be released. Please take caution when releasing these Demon Princes during your family gatherings. I recommend burning this during the opening of presents, as Demon Princes have often been known to bring gifts of their own.

5. The Necronomicon. If you can get your hands on of these they make great burning. The ancient magic and spirits that soak every inch of every page add an unpredictable but sweet, citrus undertone to any good book burning. The dark secrets contained within the otherworldly pages add a distinctly green shade to the flames when burnt. I recommend burning this book towards the end of the night, as the added spectacle makes a nice end to a good holiday evening.

6. The American Flag. Not a book but it burns very well and always brings up good conversation at the diner table. I recommend burning this during diner, as the earthy flag tones pair excellently with the traditional turkey dinner.

7. The Collected Works of Philip K. Dick. In book burning circles the burning of Philip K. Dick books is what's known as a "Dick Move" The man wrote way too many books for his own good so I recommend burning these as a family. There should be enough for everyone to burn at least one book.

8. The Chronicles of Narnia. Christian allegory thinly disguised behind a ward robe and a lion. The thin veneer of fantasy on these books burns at a very high temperature, making distinct and memorable patterns of smoke behind while burning. All of the works of C.S Lewis make for good burning, but I personally recommend The Chronicles of Narnia for burning as they are more recognizable works than other series like The Space Trilogy or The Screwtape Letters. If you do plan on burning any of C.S Lewis' other works I would recommend burning the Screwtape letters while you burn the "Various Religious Texts" as they add unique devilish undertones to the flame.

9. Your Book Here! Have YOU written a book? Do YOU think you're an author? Your family doesn't, and they're sick of hearing about it from you! Get everyone you've ever mentioned your book to a copy of your book and have them all throw it into a fire while telling you their favorite things about the book (spoiler warning, it's going to be how flammable it is). I recommend getting this out of the way at the start of the evening since it will knock that chip off your shoulder and bring about a sense of camaraderie for everyone else.

10. The Art of War. I can't be the only one who picked this book up and was disappointed by the total lack of art and pictures inside? I expected to see at least one or two artistic pictures of war inside, but no. Sun Tzu gypped us all. That's the true art of war right there. Never trust a Chinaman to show you a real picture of war. I recommend burning this book secretly after everyone is gone so they don't know you fell for the oldest book in the tricks.

Updated January 03, 2020 at 02:58 AM by Flinn

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Comments

  1. Flinn's Avatar
    Nice list! Besides, burning books will help us save on fossil fuels, Karola will be happy
  2. Abdülmecid I's Avatar
    I can't believe that you didn't include the masterpiece "Total War Rome: Destroy Carthage", which is absolutely necessary for creating a cozy atmosphere, while you get nostalgic about the good old days of the 3rd of September.
  3. Lord Oda Nobunaga's Avatar
    It is unfortunate that you did not include any ancient texts.
  4. Mhaedros's Avatar
    This was good content.
  5. Quintus Hortensius Hortalus's Avatar
    You missed the book for the whole holiday season. "The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire". Especially handy if you are cut off from the world in a blizzard or German invasion.
  6. Akar's Avatar
    I'll make sure to include that as the entire next top 10 list.
  7. makawa's Avatar
    You could ad some Kafka :wub:. Just boring, dude.

    Also, is Paulo Coelho known outside the Iberian Peninsula? Another author (not his books, himself) who should be burned. The same goes for Jodorowski, burn him at the stake
    Updated December 08, 2019 at 04:58 AM by makawa