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Flinn

To fall in love vs to love...

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This is not really my typical blog, and I'm not going to talk about myself specifically (I've done so enough in the Personal Help & Advice forum), but I wanted to share few thoughts I made about "love" during the last few months, in the hope that they will help other people to clarify their minds and/or stimulate them to discuss about love in general.
I could have posted this in the PH&A, but it's not really about asking for help, but rather about sharing what I learnt on my skin, for the most in a painful way...

However, let's start form one point: why it is so difficult to understand if you really love someone? Precisely because the process of "loving" has various steps and it's never easy to get where you are.
Let me distinguish further between falling in love and having a crush: the latter is unilateral, one-sided, and does not mean that one really love someone, rather than there's an interest.. besides, it does not necessarily happen when you are young, it can happen anytime actually; the former is a more serious thing though, and it has to be mutual to be real.. in other words I don't think one can actually fall in love with someone else if there's no reciprocation and anyways it's something that builds up within a certain time (I never believed in love at first sight, as they call it) and so it definitely needs somewhat continued contact and interactions.. I believe that when one thinks "hey, I think I love him/her" it's when you are actually falling in love with someone... let me stress again the point: if there's no reciprocation, you cannot possibly be falling in love with someone and you'd better rethink what you are doing...

Back to the main point: why the need to distinguish between falling in love and loving? Because even if they are both part of the same process, one literary excludes the other, because they focus on different aspects of the relation: to make it simple, when you are falling in love you just focus on the positive aspects of the relation and on the positive things of the other person, when you love, instead, you deal more with the negative ones... ok it's not exactly like that, but you got my point: falling in love is an easy thing (not a case that the verb "to fall" is used), while actually loving someone is a conscious choice resulting from the efforts one does in order to cope with the negative aspects of the relation/partner.

A due clarification: there's no long term relation, nor love, without negative aspects; those who believe the contrary always end up in having short relations (few months or even weeks) that end up abruptly once the "falling in love" phase is over.. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing per se, just that's not love at all.

So to draw a line: "love" is something one has to earn step by step, it's a voluntary effort and does not end abruptly, never.. be careful to use the word love with someone and always remember that love is a mutual thing: do ut des, you have to give and receive in return, if it's not so, either way, it's not really love.
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  1. makanyane's Avatar
    Interesting post, thanks, and I mostly agree with what you've said, but I think there is also such a thing as 'unrequited love'

    in other words I don't think one can actually fall in love with someone else if there's no reciprocation
    I'm disagreeing with that because of having seen one of our friends who is patently 'in love' with one of our other friends, despite no reciprocation at all, sadly for at least 20 years, possibly 30! (during that time she's being married to someone else, had two children, divorced and had other partners)

    That might be a very, very, long range crush... and if she did ever say 'yes' the whole thing might still fail, but I'm fairly sure he is 'in love' with her and 'loves' her
  2. Flinn's Avatar
    hello mak, thanks for commenting

    yes I pretty much know of cases of people who wait for ages for the "loved" person, even in desperate cases.. I'm not sure I can call that love, I won't personally, at the best it's a never ending crush.. I don't doubt that the feelings that he has are of love, but what I actually meant with my blog is that he cannot possibly be in love with her if she does not reciprocate him, this because true love has to withstand many challenges that can only be faced once the sentiment is reciprocal (and hence lived and experienced).

    I feel for him though, and I really hope he could find his love anytime soon!
    Updated November 21, 2019 at 09:57 AM by Flinn