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Thread: Three Jewels, One Valar:Book 5 chapter 6 up September16th

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    Default Three Jewels, One Valar:Book 5 chapter 6 up September16th

    A brief introduction.

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    Hello there everyone! For those of you who don't know me, I am Lortano, writer of stories. For those of you who do know my work, welcome back! You may have have read my last story on these forums 'Sauron's Miseries' a work that involved Sauron being attacked by The Spanish Inquisition, several major concussions and the power of Mordor brought down by the power of the fanboys.

    But, although everyone knows the story of the War of the Ring, although my story may deviate slightly from the actual story, some people do not know it all. For Sauron, Dark Lord of Mordor and owner of the Minas Tirth charity shop, was once just a mere servant of the true Dark Lord, the one known as Melkor, or Morgoth Bauglir, or Big-M to his friends. In the First Age he stole some jewels and started a big war in which many people were killed. That's the backstory.

    This work will be based on the work. 'The Silmarillion.' I am aware that facts were changed by Tolkien in various letters and manuscripts, but I just want to work with a version I know, and people won't get all confused. Obviously the Silmarillion takes place over quite a while, so to skip long bits, narration will be handled by Morgan Freeman, and the Angry Street Cleaner from my previous work.

    Oh, and one final thing. Sauron's Miseries primarily was shown from the evil point of view. Now as I can't penetrate Morgoth's dark thoughts I will have to show stuff from the Elvish point of view. But I will make stuff up to shove in Morgoth, and Sauron, as much as possible, and make as many jokes as conceivably possible.

    I am on holiday again very soon, so I will be bringing out a prologue and the first chapter over the next few days, after that posts will be few and far between for a bit.

    Anyhow, if you have read through this wall of text, well done! You have passed the entry exam to read my work! I know my work will never make it to, say, the Critic's Quill, but comments, praise and critcism are welcome! Good Night, and the prologue will be up tommorow!


    Prologue: Lets start at the end.

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    The great host of the Valar marched through the ruined vaults of Angband, finding nothing but the slain and the dying. None had been spared, the thralls of Morgoth had been put to the sword and the foul orcs were lying in great heaps. Fire was everywhere and the Eonwe wondered what on Arda had happened there to cause such things to happen.

    They at last came to a corridor, leading to the uttmost vault of Angband, outside lay two orcs dead at machine-gun posts. The door was hanging by one hinge and waved back and forward sadly. Eonwe pushed open the door slowly and gazed inside.
    "What the-" (Dramatic gunshot)

    (THis is short but I do this prologue simply to take the piss out of thriller writers who always write a prologue about the end of the book....WHY?)


    Book 1: The beginning of Days

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    Chapter 1: Genesis
    (Morgan Freeman speaking)

    In the beginning, there was a being, one called Eru, or Illuvatar by the Elves, who created many beings from his thoughts. He did this because he was lonely and much desired children, but sadly due to the time constraints of being a God, he could never have them. It never occured to him that he could just create them. Anyway, once they were created he purposed that they should create a great music and he handed out various instruments to them. Hey- what the hell are you- (thump)

    (Street Cleaner)

    However, some mean motherer called Melkor, or 'He who arises in Might' decided that he wasn't happy taking part in the Music. I know, he's got a dumbass name right? It's more retarded than most of the films I am in. Anyway, he was pissed because Eru had run out of good instruments and gave Melkor a triangle, and to be honest I don't blame him. I mean, a triangle can only have three different notes played on it! Anyhow, he decided that he would make his own music.

    Immeditaely discord arose because Melkor couldn't play a triangle for , and his music sucked, but some of the Ainar, those who liked music by Cheryl Cole, or the Sex Pistols, found the tune nice and joined in. Thus the first theme was ruined entirely. But Eru held up his right hand like a holy conductor and a second theme arose, yet Melkor, being a persistant bastard, kept with his theme. But then, as the second music faltered, Eru held up his left hand and a third theme arose, and this was different, for though Melkor's tune got louder, the third theme would not be drowned and neither side would win.

    Just as it looked like the- (Thump)
    Just as it looked like the music would go on longer than one of Dermot O'Leary's pauses on the X-Factor, Eru silenced the music and shamed Melkor, pulling down his trousers and smacking his butt for being such a jackhole. Then Eru showed the Ainur that their music had created a new world, and he showed them a mere glimpse of it and then took it away. Then Melkor buggered off and stalked the endless night, looking for the Flame Imperishable, because apparently he had never heard of central heating or a matchbox. (End of narration, all comedy now.)

    As he stalked the endless pathways he grumbled to himself.
    "Bloody Eru, with his bloody 'music' bloody triangle...I really wanted the oboe..."
    Suddenly music started and a man's voice screamed out,
    "Some of us fall by the wayside, and some of us soar to the stars.
    And some of us sail through our troubles, and some have to live with the scars!"
    "In the Circle of Liiiiiife! It's the Wheel of Fortuuuuuune!"

    Melkor screamed to the heavens,
    "What manner of madness is this! Let me brood in peace!" The music stopped. But the voice continued.
    "Now look Melkor, it's all very well you grumbling. But what are you going to do about it?"
    "What am I.....Who are you, oh wise one?"
    "I go by many names. TO the Daily Mail, I am either a 'national hero' or a 'pshycotic paedophile gay bastard'. To my mother, I am called, Elton."
    An idea came to Melkor.
    "I have an idea. I shall warp all designs to my own and I shall rule the UNIVERSE! MUHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHAH!"

    He heard coughing behind him. He turned around and saw Eru glaring at him.
    "What was that Melkor?"
    "Erm...I...was contemplating what to get you for your birthday."
    "The Universe? For a present. Don't mean to insult you but I already own a universe."
    "Maybe a watch then?"
    "...That would be nice."
    "...Okay."

    But Eru found that the Ainur wanted the world which the music had created so Eru threw open the halls of Ea and many of the Ainur went in, among them went Melkor, who got in using a racist Mexican disguise. As they descended into the world the Valar found parts of the world they loved and shaped it. Manwe loved the winds, Ulmo the water, and Aule the land.

    Melkor was angry at this so he started the first war. He tipped oceans, broke mountains, rose valleys, and did absolutely nothing productive. If he claimed benefits and lived in a penthouse he would've actually been the scum who ruin Britain, according to the Daily Mail. And so began the first war.


    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    Chapter 2: Tulkas and the forming of the council

    During one of the many battles of the Great War, which usually involved Melkor playing pranks on the other Valar, such as:
    Dumping huge mounds of dirt into the sea and then blaming Aule, farting into the wind as Manwe approached and throwing oceans onto lands and blaming Ulmo. Anyway, during the battle a great laughter was heard across the field and a great light opened in the sky, from which descended a very happy looking man with a golden beard. All stopped to look at him.

    He took one step forward and said,
    "SO! I heard that there were battles to be fought, wenches to be lain and drink to be had in this kingdom!"
    "Well....if you help us in the first bit I'm sure we could get you wenches at a later date," replied Manwe.
    "Fair enough! Now, who is the little troublemaker causing this mischief?"
    Melkor stepped forth, in the guise of a Dark Lord, terrible in appearance.
    "I am Melkor, Lord of Earth, King of the Valar, bow to me puny wretch!"
    Tulkas smirked and then burst into hysterical laughter, spraying Melkor with saliva.
    "Oh....OOOOOOH! That's a good one Melkor! A real good one." before punching Melkor in the face and knocking him out cold.
    "RIGHT!" Tulkas roared. "Who's for lunch!" The victorious Valar roared and charged off towards the cafeteria.

    Melkor awoke and fled Arda for a time, for Tulkas' saliva had the effect of making one smell like cheap beer for six months, and so that he could brood. With him were many of those he had corrupted to his service, among them Sauron and they brooded together. In time, Melkor realised that his strength alone could not defeat the Valar. So he sent out invitations far and wide, inviting all evil-doers to join a great council, with which they would rule the universe.

    Melkor regretted that decision. Having an evil council wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Firstly he had to find a decent name for the council, so he popped round to the local Evil Organisation Naming Centre. He spoke to the man at the desk.
    "Hello...could I patent a name for my evil organisation?"
    "What?"
    "What do you mean...what?"
    "I not....I not speak English too good." Melkor chewed his lip.
    "Can you find someone who does speak English?"
    "Okay."
    After a half hour wait Melkor found himself face to face with the manager of the shop.

    "So, you want to patent a name do you. What did you have in mind?"
    "The Council of Evil."
    "Very imaginative."
    "Alright then, how about The Evil Council."
    "Taken."
    "Council of :wub:s?"
    "Taken by the UN."
    "The Third Reich?"
    "Nope."
    "Council of Baddies?"
    "Nope."
    "You must have something!" Melkor said in despair.
    "Well I might just have something...." the store manager said.

    Melkor sat at the head of the council table. Around him various villains were sat. The Witch Witch, Ozzy Ozbourne, Lex Luther, literally every villain you could think of was there. Melkor cleared his throat.
    "Welcome. Today I bring you here to form a council that will rule the Universe! It is called....The Council of United Nasty Terrorists. Now does anyone have any objections to the name?"
    Lex Luther raised his hand.
    "Yes?"
    "Well Melkor baby......I got several problems. Firstly, we are not terrorists. Secondly 'Nasty' is not how I want to be described. And thirdly isn't the acronym for this council-"
    "Yes, I am well aware that the acronym for the council spells a very rude word but I have invested money in a PR department to fix the name!"

    'Meanwhile, at Melkor's PR department.'

    Twenty Balrogs sat drinking champagne and eating expensive food, and all of them were totally wasted. One said to the other,
    "Hey Roggy! Weren't we supposed to do something with the money Melkor gave us?"
    "Who cares! We invested it wisely on drink and champagne!" The balrogs roared as one and downed more glasses of champagne.

    Melkor sighed as the council continued. Sauron raised his hand.
    "Can I be second in command?" he asked.
    "Fine." said Melkor as he put his head in his elbows.
    "Oi! I'm the Prince of Darkness!" said Ozzy Osbourne.
    "At least I don't release crappy music!" retorted Sauron.
    "SHUT UP!" roared Melkor.

    Suddenly a laugh was heard and all turned to face a man, clad in black armour and with a retarded echo voice.
    "I am the prince of Darkness."
    "And who are you?" demanded Melkor.
    "I am the one, true King. And all will bend their knee to ME!"
    Everyone stared at him for several seconds. The Lich King frowned.
    "What? Is there something on my-"

    Suddenly twenty five powerful looking creatures grabbed him and dragged out of the door and closed it behind them. The whole council sat in silence as they heard several loud thumps and yells of,
    "Heal, Heal, HEAL."
    "Bags I the Primordial Saronite!"
    "He's getting back up, STAB HIM!" Then all went silent.
    Melkor coughed and spoke.
    "Anyway, I think that you two can both me my second in command. My Right and Left hand men."Osbourne and Sauron nodded and shook hands across the table. Then the whole table broke into loud 'Muhahaha's. The council was ready.


    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    Chapter 3: The Light of the Lamps

    While Melkor was absent, and completely unaware of his evil plans, the Valar brought order to the world. At last, when their labours were nearly complete, they brought light to the world. According to the Silmarillion, Aule forged the lamps and Varda hallowed them and they set them on great pillars. This is , actually they bought two very large lamps from Homebase and then hired some men to do it for them while they gave orders to them, and paid them the minimum wage possible. In revenge, the men didn't put in an off switch for the lamps so all was lit as if a changeless day, which was a bugger for insomniacs.

    Actually they did put in a switch that electrocuted the person who touched it, and unfortunately at the opening ceremony it was Ulmo, Lord of Water, who was given the task of turning off the lamps for the first time.
    "Ulmo, if you would do the honours," said Manwe.
    "Of course." Ulmo walked up to the switch and touched it and promptly filled his watery blood with 60,000 volts worth of pain. He screamed and grabbed Manwe, who got a dosage of electricity as well and they both fell into the Great lake of Almaren, killing all the fish in the lake. The builders of course, filmed the whole thing and stuck it on YouTube. It had two million views in four hours.

    After being dregged from the lake, Manwe saw that all things were perfect and ordered a great feast. Unfortunately the only chef in Arda was washing his dishes in the Great Lake when Manwe and Ulmo fell in and was now only fit to be the barbeque. So they had to order a boneless banquet from KFC, which upset quite a few of Maiar, as this confirmed their belief that Manwe was a cheapskate. There was also a stir when the man from Kentucky who delivered the meals arrived in a Ku Klux Klan outfit and shot Olorin in the arse.

    After finishing their white supremecy dinner, Aule and Tulkas were weary of their labours, mainly because of all the chemicals that were in the chicken. Manwe started congratulating the Maiar when he came across a familiar face.
    "Hello. Who are you...you look familiar..." The person in question was actually Sauron in a pair of comedy glasses and a moustache.
    "Erm....I'm....I'm.....Noruas." Fake-Sauron said.
    "Really...because you remind me of some bastard who betrayed us."
    "He's...um....my twin brother...Sauron is his name."
    "Oh yes...if that bastard was as close to me as you are now....ooooh I'd snap his testicles off and make him eat them."
    Fake-Sauron quickly made his excuses and left, before falling into the lake and being electrocuted.

    And Tulkas married Nessa, sister of Orome, as well as several other Maiar because for Tulkas there are three rules of life: Fight, Feast and Fornicate until night falls. Orome, being the ultimate badass, was not impressed and cornered Tulkas and shot two arrows either side of Tulkas' rather large manhood and warned him that he would kick his ass if he ever hurt his sister. Tulkas then laughed and punched Orome and broke his pancreas. Ouch. After Tulkas and Nessa had...'incoherent mumble' Tulkas slept and Melkor, seeing that his time had come, prepared for his strike.

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 


    Chapter 4: The delving of Utumno and the fall of the lamps

    "So....they sleep content...and unaware of my power." said Melkor atop his throne. Sauron stood in front of him, dripping wet and twitching slightly.
    "Yes, and their security is lax. They will never suspect a thing."
    "Excellent....my bribing of those construction workers worked perfectly...they will never see my shadow in the light of the lamps." Then Melkor arose and roared,
    "SUMMON THE COUNCIL! THE TIME HAS COME!"

    And Melkor and his foul spirits entered Arda once more and he began the delving of a great fortress, known as Utumno (Who said those funds for the PR department was wasted?) To Sauron he set the task of building a protective fortress to the west of Utmno, and it was to be called Angband. Great pits and forges were made in these places and in Utmno Melkor set his throne and also made sure that his council table was fitted as well.

    At last, when all was nearly complete, Melkor summoned the council and they gathered at the great table.
    "First item on the agenda," said Melkor, "The name of the council. My PR department has spent the money I gave them wisely and the name of this council is now......THE COUNCIL OF EVIL EVILNESS!"
    Silence filled the room.
    "Any objections?" Melkor said. Lex Luther piped up again.
    "Well....it doesn't have a rude acronym, and it does contain the word evil, so I guess it's alright."
    "Excellent, well thats settled so lets discuss cosmic domination-" siad Melkor just as a huge digger burst through the wall, sending a ten tonne slab of concrete directly on top of several of the council members.

    The engine of the digger cut off and a Balrog leant out.
    "Sorry! I had the plan upside down!" before backing out again. Melkor leant underneath the table and looked at the crushed council members and quickly leant up again, slightly pale in the face.
    "Does anyone have elastoplasts?" he asked slowly. "I think that the Terminator might be injured a bit."
    No one did anything. Melkor coughed again and continued,
    "Anyway...where was I....oh yes that's right...Cosmic domination. Now, as the Valar are full of fornicating bastards and idiots, it shouldn't be too hard to strike the first blow. I intend to bring down the great lamps using-"
    "ATTACK CHOPPPER!" roared Sylvester Stallone, shooting Frankie Boyle in the face.
    "No, not an attack chopper. Stealth, Mr Stallone, STEALTH! Now here is the plan..."

    Now although the Valar knew not of Melkor's return, his presence was felt for things began to wither and die and fens were made, the breeding place of flies and forums were created, the breeding place of trolls and beasts became vicious. The Valar then knew that Melkor was at work and sought to find his hiding place, because it is very difficult to find a huge fortress that has pillars of smoke coming out of it and fire demons guarding it.

    But Melkor struck the first blow and he came to the Northern Lamp's pillar and prepared to overthrow it.
    "Ok, now..we're here, subdued the guards, leapt several razor trip bombs and escaped a rolling boulder. Now, who has the ladders?" The whole group of council members froze. One raised his hand.
    "Um...what ladders?"
    "The ladders we were supposed to bring with us."
    "Oh...I left them in the car." said the council member. "I'll get them." And he ran back into the forest.
    "NO! Wait, we didn't disarm the last trip bomb!"
    "Oh, I forgot about tha-AARGH" the voice was quickly cut off by a large explosion and a very loud siren.
    ". What will we do now?" asked Melkor.
    "Attack Chopper?" asked Stallone
    "Alright...attack chopper."

    Melkor sat in the passenger seat of the attack chopper as 'A Bat out of Hell' blared from the speakers inside the chopper at deafening volume. Stallone was at the controls, clearly enjoying the experience.
    "Is it really necessary to play this at full volume on a stealth mission?" he yelled.
    "Of course it's necessary! We're coming up now! DIE !"
    Melkor buried his head in his hands as several hundred machine gun rounds and rockets smashed into the lamp pillar and sent it crashing to the ground, creating what can only be described as a nuclear explosion.
    "I wonder how Sauron at the Southern Lamp did?" Melkor asked himself, as Stallone whooped and shot several machine gun rounds into the air.

    Sauron sat several miles away from the Lamp, holding a detonator in his hand. This was linked to twenty thousand tonnes of dynamite. He pushed the button and the whole pillar exploded and sent it all down in another nuclear explosion. Never buy Homebase lamps, unless you want that to happen to you. Suaron smiled and turned away in a badass fashion, before slipping on a wolf turd and tumbling painfully down a hill, through several large clumps of nettles, and into a fen, where hundreds of flies attacked him. So that didn't go so well. (Sauron falling over is a recurring joke, I assure you.)


    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    Chapter 5: The rather rapid escape

    Ulmo got up and yawned.
    "What a night..." he said to himself. "Those Bicardi's were bloody strong." He walked over to the curtains and pulled them open, blinding himself with the Light of the Lamps.
    "Funny...they aren't usually this br-" Suddenly he realised what was happening as his vision cleared.
    "OH !" He ran to Manwe, who was in the bathroom with his head halfway down a toilet and shook him awake.
    "MANWE! MANWE!"
    "What...no Varda, no sexy time tonight." Manwe mumbled to himself.
    "WAKE UP!" Ulmo roared.

    Manwe stood atop the Isle, gazing at the Nuclear explosions approaching.
    "How could this have happened?" he asked the others.
    "Electrical fault?"
    "I had a dream that Melkor did it!" said Lorien.
    "Shut up Lorien." Suddenly laughter exploded around and upon the roof of their dwelling they saw Sauron standing atop a crate of wine.
    "FOOLS! It was I, Sauron and my master Melkor who did this!"
    "What, stole our wine?" said Manwe.
    "NO! We destroyed the lamps!"
    "Why?"
    "So we could rule the Universe!"
    "...GET HIM TULKAS!"

    Tulkas rushed at Sauron but then a helicopter, containing Melkor and Sylvestor Stallone, attached a hook to the wine crate and took off, carying Sauron with it. But Melkor was afraid, because he heard Manwe's voice above the wind,
    "I'm going to reveal your child fixation to the Press you bastard!" Below, Sauron saluted the Valar and yelled,
    "SO LONG SUCKERS! HAHAHAH!" Melkor rolled his eyes and said to Stallone,
    "Unhook the crate."
    "But Sauron's on it."
    "Exactly."
    And so it was, as the Valar tried to contain the destruction wrought by Melkor, that Sauron was dropped into the sea, with several dozen bottles of Merlot.

    The Valar were in crisis.
    "How do we put out these infernos?" asked Mandos.
    "Easy." said Manwe and unleashed a huge gust of wind that suceeded only in fire blasting the residence on Almaren.
    "." he said.
    "I'll do it." said Ulmo, blasting the residence with water, which shorted out the electricity and caused another huge fire.
    "We aren't very good at this are we." said Manwe.
    "No."
    "What now.."
    "Fire Brigade."
    "Agreed!"

    After the Fire Brigade had successfully put out the fire, the Valar decided that it would be a smart decision to do a tactical withdrawal. So they fled to the Western continent of Aman, and they fortified their realm. They created the Pelori mountains, sheer and covered in ice, and Manwe created mighty Taniquetil, where he sat upon his throne and gazed across the sea to the lands of Middle-Earth. Unfortunately, after the fires, it was pretty crap. It looked like Glasgow on a good night. But he could not penetrate the mind of Melkor, for it was shrouded in darkness and Melkor had put on a tinfoil hat to ward against such invasions.

    A mound of Earth was made next Valmar, their Great City, and Yavanna sang before the council of the Valar, known as the Ring of Doom (Which is much cooler sounding than 'The Council of Evil Evilness') and from the mound, two trees grew, and they were of Gold and SIlver, and radiated light. They became known as the Two Trees of Valinor and the fate of this story rests on them.

    Manwe, however, would not forsake Middle-Earth, because he had dropped some change there and was determined to make sure thta Melkor did not get hold of it. he got the aid of many spirits who appeared in the form of Eagles, and these Eagles brought news of many things to Manwe. One report went as follows,
    "Dark and Gloomy."
    "Dark and Gloomy."
    "Dark and Gloomy."
    "..." Manwe looked up. "NUMBER FOUR!" he roared. Number Four didn't appear. "I'll mark him as, "Dark, Gloomy and full of things that eat Eagles. CONTINUE!"
    "Dark and Gloomy."
    "Light and Happy!" "Really?" "I'm joking. Dark and Gloomy."

    In the mansions of Aule, he made a creature that he called 'Dwarves'. Unfortunately having not asked permission from Eru, just as Aule was about to teach the Dwarves language, Eru's voice sounded.
    "Ok, why are you making living things? You are supposed to wait for the Quendi!"
    "..um...it's a....Birthday Present..."
    "Don't give me that! I still haven't got my watch from Melkor. And what exactly am I going to do with a fat bearded midget?"
    "Do what Curunir (Saruman) does."
    "And what is that?"
    "It's kind of illegal."

    "Look, just kill them!" And Aule raised his hammer to crush the dwarves and the dwarves begged before him. Then Eru's voice sounded again.
    "Awwwww. They are quite cute actually."
    "You were gonna kill us you piece of !" one Dwarf yelled. Eu's voice continued.
    "They must sleep until my children come, so that all's fair."
    "Fine." said Aule sulkily.
    "Better be." Eru's voice stopped. One dwarf said.
    "Well he was a bastard."

    End of Book 1


    Book 2: The rise of the Quendi

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    Chapter 1: Some final touches.

    Aule took the Seven Fathers of Dwarves and laid them to rest in far flung locations, to awaken when several ages had passed. Unfortunately, some of them got the short end of the stick when it came to location, especially the one who woke to discover that his resting place had become a bear den. Even more so for the one who woke up to find that he had been lain to rest right where the Olympic Stadium was to be built and ended up having to tunnel his way out through the field right in the middle of the Javelin throw event.

    With most of the work done, Manwe decided that it was time for a spot of revenge on Melkor, who had recently sent a huge crate full of paint grenades to Manwe, but, due to the imcompetence of the postal service, the gift had ended up going to Mandos, who eagerly opened the present only to end up embedded in a wall ten yards away, completely covered in paint.
    "Lets get that council of Evil Evilness back!" roared Manwe. And all agreed.

    Orome gathered the hunt and, in 4x4's and with Ak-47's, cleared woods of Melkor's hordes. Unfortunately, even as they passed, more arrived. This may have had something to do with the fact that the 4x4 radio system constantly blared out, 'The Boys are Back in Town' at full volume, meaning everyone just ran away and hif when they heard it. But to the Valar it seemed as though the vaults of Angband were endless, and the war seemed to be going Melkor's way.

    "Look, for the last time, I want to insure my fortress!" Melkor roared into the phone.
    "Well I'm sorry sir,but we don't insure fortress' that are over 2,000 square metres!"
    "What kind of crappy fortress is that? Any fortress below 2,000 is rubbish!"
    "Well then you don't get insured."
    Melkor fumed silently. This would never happen to Sauron with insurance salesmen.
    "Look. If I claimed that my fortress was in fact, a nursery, would you insure it?"
    "Well....yes but we'd need to send round an inspector."
    "That's fine." Melkor put down the phone and started to make preparations.
    So maybe it wasn't all going his way.

    Varda meanwhile decided to do something about the drab and boring sky and crafted many stars, the constellations spelling out 'Melkor is a colossal '. Then she set a crown of seven stars to swing, The Sickle of the Valar, as a challenge to Melkor and a sign of doom. Melkor met the challenge by making many rude gestures and yelling at it.
    "OOOOH! I'm so SCARED! Take your signs of doom and shove them up your bigotted :wub:s!" Then he did a little dance.
    "Ahem." A voice sounded behind him. It was the insurance inspector.

    Melkor was taken aback.
    "Erm...hello...welcome to the Utumno nursery."
    "I had to pass several checkpoints on the way, any reason why a nursery should have military checkpoints?"
    Melkor made a mental note to kill all insurance inspectors when the time came.
    "At the nursery we pride security above all else."
    "Hm...." The Inspector wrote something down on his clipboard.
    "Would you like to see the nursery?"
    "Yes, I would."

    The 'Nursery' was a hastily cobbled together room, with nursery style backgrounds covering the walls.
    "As you can see Inspector, the children are so happy here." Melkor said. The 'Children' were actually balrogs dressed in stereotypical baby gear.
    "These babies seem to be awfully...large."
    "Well you know what children today are like. So many fat babies around."
    "OI! I'm not fat!" yelled one of the balrogs. The Inspector looked at Melkor.
    "...They learn so quickly these days." Melkor said, a fake smile on his face.
    "Also, why are there two elves chained to the walls?" asked the Inspector.
    "...Lifelike dummies." said Melkor. One balrog smashed the elf in the ribs and the elf cried out.
    "With sound effects." he continued.

    As Varda finished her work the Elves awoke, apart from the two who ended up the the 'nursery', and looked up at the stars. Unfortunately they also saw Varda, who due to the heat of the stars was wearing a rather skimpy bikini. The elves weren't the only things standing upright (If you know what I mean.) They called themselves the Quendi and they lived by the waters of the lake of Cuinivien. This was the start of something incredible.


    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    Chapter 2: Orome's inconvieniences

    One day, while Orome was riding alone in his 4x4, he suddenly heard something above 'We will rock you.' As he reluctantly turned down the melodious tune of Queen he could hear something...something...that sounded very much like singing. He slowly turned off the engine and shouldered his custom-made, double barelled machine pistol. He pushed into a clearing in the forest, and saw flashing lights through what looked like fog. He squinted and realised that he was in the middle of a muddy field with a rock concert. He suddenly realised that the smoke was actually a large cloud of cannabis smoke. And only one type of person smokes cannabis at a rock concert.

    He drew his machine pistol and aimed at the hippies at the back, who now turned to face him and started to shamble towards him, muttering things like,
    "Peace...join the peace dude..."
    "John Lennnon...my icon.."
    "Cannabiiiiiiiiis." all with happy smiles on their faces.
    Orome pulled up his machine pistol.
    "Don't give me a reason to do this!" he yelled. They kept coming.
    'Hang on' he thought to himself. 'They are hippies...I don't NEED a reason to shoot them.'

    He opened fire, gaping wounds appearing in the hippies bodies but still they came.
    'If medium calibre bullets don't do it...what will?' he wondered. Suddnely he spotted a tree and fire at it.
    Immediately the hippies began to collapse, their power source being destroyed.
    " YEAH!" roared Orome and made his getaway.

    Later, Orome heard more singing and cautiously checked before entering. Elves, singing by the fire, slowly stopped and went to their huts to sleep. Orome made his way down to the fireplace and came across a rather old, deaf elf.
    "'O are you?" the Elf asked.
    "I am Orome!"
    "Well I'm sorry to hear that you're alone. You should really try Facebook, even Gadaffi got a few Facebook friends."
    "No, not alone, OROME!"
    "HELP! I'M BEING ATTACKED BY A MADMAN!"
    Hundreds of elves emerged and encircled Orome.

    Orome held out his hands.
    "Look, I come in peace."
    "That's what the last one said!" roared one elf.
    "What last one?" asked Orome.
    "That Dark Lord fella."

    'A while ago'

    Melkor, wearing a disguise so cunning, it made Blackadder seem idiotic, was standing on a podium in front of the elves.
    "ELVES! Join me, and we can rule the Universe!"
    "PREACHER!" came a cry and many rotten vegetables followed.
    "No, I'm not a preacher, I am-"
    "STUPID HIPPIE!" A brick hit him in the face.

    So Melkor used the method of stealing the elves and came up with his most diabolical scheme yet.
    "NOW!" he roared at the elf chained to a wall. "You shall be fed the flesh of your comrade and be mutated horribly."
    "Ooooh lovely!" the elf replied. "Will there be tartae source and complimentary fruit?"
    "You're not supposed enjoy it!"
    "Have you never heard of last requests?"
    "No."
    The elf looked quite upset.
    "This is SO against my Elvish Rights."

    Orome immediately said farewell to the Elves and got in his 4x4 and headed back to Valinor.


    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    Chapter 3: Impersonators in the Ring of Doom.

    "So let me get this straight. You found the supposed 'Children of Illuvatar' in the middle of a forest?" said Manwe.
    "Yep." said Orome.
    "And you also came across a rock concert filled with drug-addled hippies?"
    "Yep."
    Manwe smiled.
    "Look, Orome, I think you've had quite a long day. Why don't you go to bed and sleep it off."
    "Are you suggesting that I was hallucinating? How dare you! I have great eyesight! I won the Valinor hide and seek game, didn't I?"
    "No, no, no. I am suggesting that you have a tendency to....exaggerate."
    "Since when."

    Manwe sighed.
    "Well, that time when you came running into my study naked, screaming that there was a giant spider in the bath." Orome glared at him as several of the valar whipped out I-Pad's and posted on Facebook 'Orome is scared of spiders LOL!'
    "I told you never to speak of it!" roared Orome.
    "Anyway, we go in there, and what do we find? Not Ungoliant, as you assured as it was, but a tiny spider that couldn't hurt a fly."
    "ALL spiders hurt flies!" cried Orome.
    "...Bad analogy. Anyway, the point is that you do tend to exaggerate."
    "But I know what I saw."

    "Whatever. Look, I have a very important lunch with Sebastian Coe and Boris Johnson later so if you'll excuse me-" Manwe began but was cut off by Mandos, wearing Hawaiian shorts and carrying a suitcase came strolling in.
    "Hello people!" he said. "How's life?"
    "Where the hell were you?" asked Manwe.
    "Promoting my new game in Hawaii."
    "What new- What do you mean new game? Since when were you important enough to get into a videogame?"
    "Darksiders 2 fool. You do not, mess with Death."

    Suddenly an echo voice sounded,
    "Yes. You do not mess with Death." All turned to Mandos' chair, where a figure in black was now sitting.
    "And you do not steal his videogame credit," he said, waggling a finger at Mandos.
    "I am death!" cried another echo voice and before the Ring of Doom, stood the Lich King.
    "Who the hell are you?" asked Manwe.
    "I am Arthas, The Lich King, the accursed, the Mighty, the Great, The holder of a Tesco Clubcard."
    "Please." Sniggered Ulmo. "I could beat this guy with seven people in 25 man."
    "At 85, with the buff." retorted the Lich King.

    "Excuse me, but what the hell are you two talking about?" asked Manwe.
    "Yeah, and you seem to be forgetting that I'm not even supposed to be here!" said Death.
    "Shut up!" roared Mandos and tackled Death off of his chair, and started beating him to the ground.
    "We're talking about Wow jackhole!" roared Ulmo. "And your boss design was crappy!" he said to the Lich King.
    "Well, at least I let the noobz have a go!" cried the Lich King and tackled Ulmo to the ground.

    Suddenly Lorien stood and said, "GUILD WARS 2 FTW!"
    "FOR AION!" cried Aule and the two started a brawl, while bickering erupted around the circle. Manwe fell into his chair and cried,
    "EONWE! I WOULD LIKE A MASSAGE!" Eonwe appeared and started rubbing Manwe's shoulders.
    "Ah, that's the ticket. Thank you." Then he stood and roared to the winds.
    "AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO LIKES RUNESCAPE?" The bickering stopped. All turned to face him, before promptly bursting into hysterical laughter and rolling around on the floor laughing at him.
    "I guess not," he thought sorrowfully.

    'Meanwhile'

    Morgoth was gleefully playing Runescape, believing it to be the pinnacle of game design when the door crashed open and Sauron walked in. Morgoth fumbled with the monitor and managed to get it off.
    "Sir, the Utumno building project is complete."
    "Good. Now go away."
    "...I am aware that you are playing Runescape."
    "I'm not....I'm...um.....uuuummmmm...watching pornography!"
    "...I have great respect for you because you watch pornography rather than play Runescape."
    "Thank you Sauron."

    Sauron left and Morgoth quitely turned back on Runescape and went back to killing noobs in the Wilderness.


    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    Chapter 4: The War of Utumno

    After the fight and the laughter had died down, Manwe got down to business.
    "Orome here believes that the Elves are in danger. Now, we are a democracy here so we shall vote. Who wishes to war against Melkor?
    Everyone but Manwe raised their hand. He frowned.
    "Plan B, Democracy." Suddenly he felt a blade on his neck. It was Death.
    "Go to war, or I'll cut your throat." Death said softly.
    "Back to Plan A" said Manwe. "Lets go have a lovely war, shall we?" Everyone roared and charged out of the Ring of Doom.

    Melkor was still playing Runescape when Sauron's voice sounded over the intercom.
    "Um...Sir, we have a problem."
    "What is it? I'm busy killing noobs in the Wildy."
    "Pardon?"
    "Uh...um....I meant....watching whores called Silvy...yeah..."
    "O.....k. You best get up here."

    Melkor came to the great battlements of Utumno. Sauron was looking into a spyglass. Suddenly he cursed and rummaged around in his pocket.
    "You don't have any change, do you? We got this telescope from Skegness and you have to pay 50p for a minute."
    "I don't. Anyway, what is the issue."
    "In the sky." Sauron pointed up. Melkor squinted.
    "Bastards." he muttered softly.
    For in the skies above Utumno Varda's stars burst into life and spelled their challenge to Melkor.

    "It reads....'Melkor sucks penis.'" Melkor said. Sauron smirked slightly. Melkor continued.
    "It also reads 'Like his favourite whore, Sauron." The smirk disappeared.
    "So....they will march against me...in war. Sauron, prepare the balrogs. Prepare the defence of Utumno. And prepare my god-damn cheese sandwiches!" Melkor stormed off.
    "One day, I'll have my own tower," thought Sauron. "And minions...many of them... one day." and he walked off to prepare the defence

    The Elves know little of what happened next, for the valar created a protective shield around their dwellings. This caused a slight problem when a party was literally cut in half by the shield and everyone on the outside incinerated. It was honestly enough to make one stop eating.
    The Valar told them tales of what happened at Utumno but to be fair, they do have a tendency to tell lies.

    Manwe ordered his tank to stop. Behind him the convoy of the Valar halted as well. They gazed at the walls of Utumno. Manwe could've thought many things. He could've thought about victory. He could've thought about punching Melkor very hard in the testicles. But all he thought was 'I've got to get one of those giant fortress things.'
    The Valar had sacked Angband with ease, the garrison surrendering. The 'Merciful' Valar immediately killed

    Melkor though, was not going to let the Valar win. Built into the walls of Angband were hundreds of cannons, powered by gunpowder. If you ran at the wall, it would be less of a gauntlet and more of Total Wipeout crossed with Saw. And Melkor was pleased.
    "Let them come. I'm going to laugh as their puny bodies fall to the ground in heaps."
    "They are immortal though." pointed out Sauron.
    "Yes, but take away the arms, or legs, or head and they are pretty much immobilised." Sauron made a mental note to test that out later.
    "Get the balrogs ready to load!" roared Melkor. "Fire on my mark!"

    In the wall balrogs pushed the cannons to the gaps and loaded the cannon balls. Then they sent some balrogs to get the gunpowder. Now, somewhere in that last statement is the fatal flaw in the whole Utumno defence system. Can you see it? (Hint: Fire+Gunpowder=Boom.)
    Yeah.... One of the balrogs fell on a step when he walked into the storage room and...

    Melkor laughed one last last time.
    "MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-" suddenly a small boom was heard. He turned to Sauron.
    "What was that?"
    "It sounded like a small explosion which is incredibly dnagerous in a wall packed with gunpo-" The explosion was huge, tearing the wall into tiny little pieces, hurling Balrog arms everywhere. Melkor and Sauron were blown several feet away, Melkor hit a wall, Sauron fell off the battlements and fell directly into the toilet pit. Which due to the methane gas being released, the explosion caught it and set that on fire too. So Sauron had fallen into a flaming poo heap of doom. It was worse than having a Vindaloo forcibly explode out of your arse. Melkor shook his head. The front wall was gone. So was the door.
    "Bollocks." he said to himself.

    Manwe saw the explosion, and the Valar watched in shock and awe. Some were afraid that it was some devilry of Melkor but Manwe took the oppourtunity.
    "I did that! Yeah that's right! With my mind ! Go on, GET EM LADS!" The Maiar charged in with a roar but most the the valar were sceltical of this apparent miracle.
    "Who does he think he is, a god?" asked Ulmo.
    "Stupid question." replied Mandos.

    The fight was bloody. One Balrog had his arm blown off the by the explosion and was now using it as a weapon. Another had someone elses arm and was swinging it all over the place. If only it had actually detached from the owners body first. The smell was awful in there, mainly due to the fire poo pit. Melkor, realising that the game was up, ran into his vaults and sealed the door behind him. From the battle, many balrogs fled, and the Valar did not find Sauron, for his charred body now blended in perfectly with the piles of crap around him.

    Now, the vault was breached at last, after someone guessed the password 'Password' and Tulkas walked in. He crunched his fist together.
    "Look fellas, we can go for peace?" asked Melkor. Tulkas grabbed him and threw him against the wall.
    "I'll give you my secret jam sponge recipe!" he cried as Tulkas locked him in a brutal headlock. Then the Valar brought in the great chain Angainor and bound him, gagged him and then threw him into the boot of the 4x4. So ended the Second War.


    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    Chapter 5: What happened next

    Manwe returned victorious to Valinor, sprinkled with many gifts, brought into valmar on a golden carpet adorned with fine jewellry. It must be said though that many of his exploits were in fact, lies. For example, he told everyone that he led a heroic charge at the walls of Utumno wearing nothing but a Team GB T-shirt around his midriff and shouted the walls down with his voice, whereas the truth was that the wall was caused by a freak gunpowder explosion.

    After the feasting and wenching had finished, they brought Melkor into the Ring of Doom, chained and broken.
    "Right." said Manwe. "Lock him up!"
    "What? Look, can't we just make a deal, shake some hands, do a bit of apologising and then go our own ways?" said Melkor in his very persuasive way. Manwe stared at him, before saying,
    " off. Mandos, take him away! I have more feasting to do!"
    "How long do you want him away?" asked Mandos.
    "Oh.....Ages....a few Ages at least."

    "Well...how long is Ages?" said Mandos, slightly flustered.
    "Well, how long do you think an age is?
    "Last of the Summer Wine lasted for ages."
    "Yes but I think that thirty years for several crimes against Life is a bit lenient."
    "I'll go with that!" said Melkor eagerly.
    "Look, just...lock him up until I say so." said Manwe and walked off.

    And Melkor was thrown deep into the fastness of Mandos, from which no elf, man or valar could escape, which was a bit of a bugger for Mandos if he lost his keys. Melkor flew into his cell and smashed against the wall. He turned and saw several large, burly elves looking at him.
    "Erm....hello?" he said.
    Down the corridor, the Grim Reaper met with Mandos.

    "Did you throw him in where I instructed you to?" said Mandos.
    "I did." said the Grim Reaper in a raspy voice.
    "Excellent. It'll be weeks before Manwe notices that we've 'accidently' thrown Melkor into the Brutal Rapist Bastard section." Several muffled screams echoed through the stone.
    "Hilarious." said the Grim Reaper. Mandos frowned at him.
    "You're throat? What's wrong with it?"
    "Nothing too bad sir, it just sort of rotted away these past few weeks."
    "Well, you should've said! Look, come with me,I'm sure that there's some Nurofen somewhere!"

    Manwe sat again in the Ring of Doom.
    "Ok....first item on the agenda. Mandos." Mandos looked up. "Why did you throw Melkor into the Brutal Rapist Bastard section?"
    "An honest mistake. It won't happen again." Mados said. "Maybe," he said under his breath.
    "Ok, second item on the agenda. The Elves. I think we should move them over here."
    "Why?" said Orome.
    "We're all going to start feeling lonely!"
    "Yes, that's what prostitutes are for!"
    "No, I mean on a permanent basis!"

    "Look." said Manwe. "There are economic benefits to this! EONWE!" Eonwe scurried in, carrying several scrolls. He put them down, and read, loud and clear.
    "Bringing the Elves over will stimulate the economy and provide jobs."
    "That's silly!" said Ulmo.
    "Yeah, get the out Eonwe!" said Orome. Eonwe scurried away.
    "It's a great idea," said Manwe.
    "It's not." said Ulmo. "Shouldn't we consult the Elves first?"
    "Nah. They'll latch onto it fine." said Manwe. " Let's do it."

    Then Mandos broke his silence.
    "So it is doomed." Everyone stared at him.
    "What?" said Manwe. "Another convienient prophecy of doom?"
    "No. I left a cake on at home and this bloody meeting has dragged on, so now my cakes are doomed! You heartless scum!" roared Mandos and stormed off. There was an awkward silence.
    "I still think we should ask the elves," muttered Ulmo.
    "Look, they'll love the idea!" said Manwe

    " that idea!" said the elves.
    "But why not?" said Orome.
    "Why should we trust people who ruined the world."
    "We didn't, we destroyed utumno, didn't we?"
    "And left a bloody great smoking crater in the ground! That's a fire hazard!"
    "And how do we know that this 'Promised land' isn't some like Benidorm!"

    Seeing that his idea wasn't going down, Manwe decided that they would send three elves to Valinor and gaze upon the light of the trees. They blindfolded them and took them to the grove.
    "Are we there yet?" said one of them. Then Manwe removed the blindfolds and they gazed in awe at the trees.
    "Holy-" one of them said before collapsing of a massive heart attack.
    "." said Manwe as Tulkas attempted to revive the elf but succeded only in breaking his ribs, causing bone fragments to pierce the heart. So they quickly got another elf over and did the whole thing again.

    The three returned and convinced most of their people to come with them. Their names were Finwe, Elwe and Ingwe. They would one day become great kings of their people. Many followed them, but those who refused became known as the Avari or 'The Unwilling.' They were later known by a certain elf as, 'cowardly scum.' Still, who cares about them. This was the beginning of the Great Journey.


    Book 3: The Great Journey and the Elves in Valinor.

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    Chapter 1: The beginning of the journey.

    Those who decided to join the great exodus were named 'The Eldar' (or to those who have played an Isengard campaign on VH/VH, 'Those bastard overpowered :wub:s that wiped out all of my beserkers!') However, they were split into three hosts. The Vanyar, led by Ingwe, who later grew a beard so long that it took the seven sons of Feanor six hours hacking with their swords to cut if short, were those most ready to go.

    The second host, known as the Noldor, were led by Finwe. They loved the stones and precious gems of the world and were notorious in bars for their expert chat up lines including gems(no pun intended) such as
    "Those are a nice pair of Palantiri you got there."
    "I'd like to forge my gems in your oven." and finally (from a certain son of Finwe)
    "Would you like to stroke my Silmaril's?"

    The final lot were called the Teleri, and were the first people to have democracy, for they were led by two, the brothers Elwe and Olwe. They were at the rear of the group, and often from their numbers some did stray. The Teleri also loved the world around them and would often gasp in wonder when they saw a ladybird.

    Now, because the Valar had completely forgotten to build a road through Middle Earth, the Eldar had no idea where they were going. They had Orome to guide them, but sometimes he had pressing matters to deal such as 'Forgetting to put the cat out'. There were some who were slightly suspicious of this, but they said nothing.

    But as the near endless hosts of the Eldar marched onwards, atop a hill, there came a great wooshing sound and from nowhere a police box materialised. A weasly looking scotsman came out in a suit and yelled,
    "Finally! San Francis-" he looked around. He frowned before glaring at the police box.
    "Oh, for 's sake." he said and walked back in, before it dematerialised again.

    But those who abandoned the great journey early later became members of nations such as Lothlorien and the Mirkwood Elves, collectively known as the Silvan elves. Or, to anyone who plays Isengard on VH/VH 'Those Elven bastards who always attack me at Fangorn for no reason.' Still, who cares about them, we're following the badass people now.


    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    Chapter 2: parting the seas.

    The great host came through a great forest, which would later become home to those that could craft quivers that never ran out of arrows, and then, they stopped. For before lay a small stream, possibly three inches deep and maybe a foot wide. The elevn hosts were afeared, maybe this strange device was some sort of machination of Melkor's design. Ingwe pleaded to Ulmo,
    "Oh mighty Ulmo, grant us the power to cross this device."

    And Ulmo came. He smiled, then looked at the stream. The smile faded.
    "Wait, you called me back from holiday to help you cross a stream about as deep as Paris Hilton? I was about to watch the hundred metres final as well at the Olympics! Do you know how much those tickets cost?"
    Ingwe fell to his knees.
    "Please, help us against this foul stream."
    "Fine." Ulmo sighed. He broke a branch of a tree and gave it to Ingwe.
    "The stream won't harm you while you hold this staff, nor your kin. It will also allow you to part waters."

    Ulmo dematerialed, and Ingwe stared at the stream. He held the staff aloft, took a deep breath, eyes shut, and took a single step, crossing the entire stream. He yelled in pride,
    "I'm alive!" The elves took up the call,
    "He's alive! Long live Ingwe, saviour of the Quendi, defeater of the foul stream of misery!"

    One by one, the elves crossed, a process that took about six years. They then continued their march west. Suddenly, they came across a much wider river, and some say that it was the River Anduin. (Though thankfully without the Piranha traps) Ingwe stared at the river for a while before leaping in, waist deep and crying,
    "Eldar! My brothers, by the power of Ulmo we shall cross this place."
    He held the staff aloft and concentrated.

    'Several hours later'

    "Give it up Ingwe, Ulmo screwed you over, it's not a magical staff." said one of the Vanyar.
    "Look, just give me a minute, I've almost got it!" said Ingwe, who by now had severe hypothermia on both of his legs.
    "It's not like safecracking! It either works or it doesn't! Look, I can see a ford over there, lets cross over there chaps!"
    Suddenly the waters parted around Ingwe, and he could actually feel his legs for the first time in a while. They formed two walls of water around him.

    "I've done it! Come Quendi, let us cross this place quickly!"
    Meanwhile, at Olympic Park, Ulmo smiled as he clicked his fingers.
    "This is for screwing me over, ." he muttered. For Ulmo himself had caused the water to rise, and now he was going to make it fall.
    Ingwe suddenly saw the water cascade down on top of him, he vanished into the foam with a cry.

    Ingwe finally pulled himself onto the bank.
    "Help me!" he cried.
    "Later, loser!" said one elf as he walked past.
    "Can you at least give me a towel?" asked Ingwe, pleadingly. No one did.

    The host suddenly saw, rearing above them, sharp and deadly, the Misty Mountains. They were raised by Melkor to hinder the riding of Orome, perhaps not realising that he could just go round them, and that 4x4's now had an 'Offroad' setting for just that sort of occasion. The Elves stood silently, gazing at the moutains. It would've been an epic silence but for one elf pointing and saying,
    "Holy , that mountain looks like a penis!"

    As the Elves began to cross the mountains, far to the north, under Mount Gundabad, Durin, one of the Fathers of Dwarves, was just finishing his spring cleaning. He'd made a very comfy pad, hewed out of rock using only his fingernails. He'd just finished carving into the wall, 'Home Sweet Home', when the earth started to quake underneath the feet of the elven host.
    "What in the Garbunckles!" he cried, as a huge rock fell onto his bed. Suddenly another huge rock fell, and nearly pinned him beneath it. He pulled himself up and yelled,
    "Those goddamm elves and their goddamm, 'journey'. They can journey right of my mountains the bastards!" Then he jumped up and down for a bit, before accidently setting off an eruption that blew his home to pieces. Not a great start for Aule's people.


    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    Chapter 3: Behold, Beleriand

    The Vanyar and the Noldor passed the mountains and carried on, through the place that would later become Eriador. However, the Teleri were terrified by Durin's threats to blast them all with shotguns so they remained on the other side of the mountains for the time being.

    The Vanyar and the Noldor pressed onwards, coming at last to Ered Luin, the Blue Mountains, so named because they had been vandalised by hooded youths long ago and no-one had thought to clear it up. Orome at last returned to guide the hosts through the mountains and showing them the various tourist attractions.
    "Over there, you can see a rock. Over there, another rock. One over there. Another rock.....and that's about it."

    So the Noldor and Vanyar entered Beleriand, and the Noldor gazed upon the land, unaware that in time, a very angry elf would lead them here once more, to destroy a great evil. To the North they saw black smoke, and they knew that that was Angband, but it was smoking and practically destroyed.

    Meanwhile, back at the Teleri camp, Olwe was having an arguement with another elf.
    "Look, Lenwe, you can't just up and leave!"
    "Me and my people want to up and move somewhere nicer!" argued Lenwe.
    "Why? You'll only get hunted down by beasts."
    "Are you suggesting that we are weak?"
    "No, you do eat a lot of our supplies though, so you'll be fat and will attract loads of beasts."
    "Screw you , I'm out."
    So Lenwe lead his people south, and they became known as the Nandor, and they set up the first ever fried chicken shop, and became the most popular fast food restaurant in Middle Earth.

    But then Elwe urged his people onwards over the mountains, because he wanted to see Finwe again and enquire about the amazing tourist attractions of the Blue Mountains. Finwe had sent him a postcard of (You guessed it) a rock. So most of the Teleri entered Beleriand at last and settled by the banks of the Gelion and they rested a while.

    Meanwhile the Vanyar and the Noldor had reached the Great Sea, but when they looked upon it they were afraid and fled to the highlands. So Orome went to Manwe for council.
    "What do you mean 'They're afraid of the sea?" asked Manwe.
    "They don't like it. They say it feels like its alive, that somehow there's some sort of monster in there!"
    Ulmo started to cry, and nearly flooded the chamber.
    "Look, just....I'll said Ulmo to teach them how to swim. We need to get them over here soon, I had to give at least 2 billion to Greece already this week!"

    'Meanwhile, the ruins of Angband.'

    "Ok, so what's the status?" said Sauron, recovered entirely from his stint in the toilet.
    "Well boss," said Roggy the Balrog in his posh british accent. "Most of the hallways are blocked, the balrogs are trapped, and the kettle's broken."
    "I told you not to get a cheap knockoff one from Ebay!" said Sauron.
    "It was a great deal for a hedge trimmer that I never use!"
    "Whatever. Look, what news of the council?"
    "Well, Gothmog is out looking for survivors at Utumno, although it's unlikely. We do know that the Dalek is trapped behind this hallway."

    Sauron rubbed his hands together.
    "Excellent. Dig him out, and then we shall have some fun. Now, all we need now is for the insurance payment to come through for the 'Nursery'." Sauron had murdered the Insurance Inspector, under Melkor's orders and then murdered several other Inspectors just to make sure that nothing went wrong.
    "Could this day get any better?" Sauron asked himself. Suddenly there was a knock on the vault door...


    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    Chapter 4: The many journeys of Elwe Singollo.

    There came a time when Elwe, wanting to see Finwe again, abandoned his people by the banks of the Gelion and headed through the woods to get to the Noldor.

    Suddenly he entered a glade and before him, upon a tree branch, sat a strange looking man. He was sitting perfectly still, staring ahead. Elwe came up behind him and examined him curiously. Still no reaction. So Elwe shrugged his shoulders and turned to go. Suddenly there came an almighty cry and suddenly the strangest voice was heard coming from the man.

    He leapt to his feet and roared.

    "Hey Ring-Dilly-Dilly-Rollo-Dillo.
    You've just met old Tom Bombadillo!
    With his shoes bright blue and his jacket yellow!" He then paused and just stood there, not moving.

    Elwe shook his head and turned back to the forest. He gave a cry, because somehow the old man was now right in his face.
    "Hey, Where you be going, my fine little fellow,
    Don't you like good old Tom Bombadillo?
    Do you hate his fashion sense
    or his feet that are faster?
    If you think you can escape this forest of terrors,
    Think again matey cause I'm the master!"

    Elwe punched Bombadil square on the nose and walked off, yelling,
    "Don't try and get a look in on this book! There's a reason why you were left out of the last one."

    Elwe continued walking until he came to yet another glade, this one covered in snow. In the middle lay a lampost that shone with a small, rather pitiful light. Elwe touched the light with curiousity. It was cold and metallic, like a sword. Suddenly the bushes behind him rustled and a strange half naked creature rushed towards him speaking some gibberish that Elwe knew not. In fact the creature was actually saying,
    "At last! A son of Adam comes to save us!"
    Unfortunately Elwe didn't understand so he drew his bow and shot the creature in the chest with an arrow.

    He bent over to look at his kill. Suddenly there was a shrill scream behind him. There was a little girl standing there and she was screaming. Quite understandable, considering Mr Tumnus was now lying dead with a pool of blood around him. Elwe quickly shook his hands wildly.
    "Shut up! Stop screaming...I've already got a restraining order against people like you!" The girl fled in fear and Elwe was left to walk through the forest yet again.

    He came to yet another clearing before suddenly being set upon by men dressed in green.
    "Oh wonderful!" he roared. "It's the Ocarina of Time brigade." But then there was one among them who had a red feather in his cap and he said, in a very, very strong Newcastle accent.
    "We noo not aboot yer 'Ocarina of Time' , do we lads?" There was a strong roar of approval from the group.

    "Any particular reason why you're holding me up?" asked Elwe.
    "Ah'm Robin 'Ood, and this is me band of Merry Men."
    "They don't look very merry....one has a sword lodged in his neck."
    "Merely a flesh wound. We Newcastle folk are tough bastards!"
    "Again, why are you holding me up?"
    "Because we rob from the rich and give to the poor!"
    "So you're a charity?"
    "We are heroes, not a stupid charity!"
    "No, you're not. You are Oxfam with a stupid hat."
    "GET him lads!" cried Mr 'Ood.

    Five minutes later, Elwe left the band of not so merry men hanging upside down from the trees.

    Finally he came to a glade that held an elf maiden beautiful to his eye, but she was not an elf. She was a Maiar, of the same order as Gandalf and Sauron, although of more power than Gandalf. Known by Melkor as , 'The Whore of Valinor,' she was a captivating beauty and would bring forth the most beautiful elf maiden into the world when the time came.

    But when Elwe laid his hands upon her they were halted in time by what some said was a spell, but was actually the Doctor accidentally breaking the Tardis again. So when Olwe, and the other elves sought for him, they managed only to find the half eaten corpse of Mr Tumnus and the Hanging Merry Men, they found nothing but a blue police box, inside of which lay Elwe and Melian, trapped for many years.

    But, eventually they emerged from their slumber and Elwe arose and all who saw him were filled with wonder, for he had grown a manly grey beard and had become a badass, which only a few elves in those days could claim. And he was known in days gone past as Elu Thingol, or E.T. This led to a slight misunderstanding with the Area 51 but it was all sorted out in the end.


    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    Chapter 5: The terrible creatures of Arda

    Sauron panted as he leant against the vault door, along with several chairs and a large cabinet. Roggy was looking at him as something outside slammed the door, causing a loud bang.
    "Who have you upset now?" asked Roggy.
    "Look, the thing out there is far more deadly than anyone I may have upset!" Sauron said.
    "Well then what the hell is it? Why are you so scared?"
    "The creature outside is old, older than I. She has lay hid for many years, but now she returns to wreak her terrible vengeance. She is.....my mother."
    "That sounded distinctly unimpressive." said Roggy. "Your mother doesn't sound threatening."
    "She's ing vicious! She once attacked a postman and ripped his legs off, then posting them to the grieving family the next day. She-"

    Suddenly the vault door buckled and collapsed. Sauron was buried under the twisted steel, and a foul shadow appeared, and said,
    "Sauron! I'm 'ere to stay!" the voice was shrill and terrifying. Roggy backed away as Sauron emerged from the rubble.
    "What do you want mother..." he said wearily.
    "I'm staying 'ere. I got thrown out by the Salvation Army!"
    "How?"
    "Well....I said that God was a massive pervert."
    "Why?"
    "Because of all them Catholic child molestors."
    "You see how lovely she is?" Sauron said sarcastically to Roggy.

    "'O's this retard?" asked Sauron's mother.
    "He's a friend."
    "Two boys living together under a mountain? Seems very suspicious to me..."
    "MOTHER!" Sauron said.
    "What...the evidence is here. Why do you think there's sexual tension in the room?"
    " off! Mother please." Sauron said, in a pleading tone.
    "'Ow dare you! I'm your mother you disrespectful oik!"

    Suddenly there came a loud clang and a cry of, "EXTERMINATE!" A huge energy beam smashed Mrs Sauron off her feet and sent her flying out of the doorway. Sauorn turned to see the Dalek emerge from the corridor.
    "BEHOLD! THE DALEK RACE SURVIVES!"
    "You were never dead."
    "ARE YOU SURE?"
    "Positive."
    "WELL I FELT DEAD."
    "You can't feel dead, you'd lose feeling if you were dead."
    "CAN I RETCON MY AWESOME OPENING LINE."
    "Go ahead." Sauron sighed.
    "THE DALEK RACE RETURNS!"
    "Ok, your first assignment is to catch that woman out there and kill her."

    The Dalek charged towards the vault entrance a cry of,
    "I OBEY!" emating from it as it exited the vault.
    "Oh by the way, watch out for the-" Sauron was about to say when a loud clang and cry sounded from outside.
    "...Steps..." Sauron said slowly. Roggy shook his head slowly.
    "Tea?" Roggy asked.

    Meanwhile Ulmo had dragged a huge island over the sea to transport the Eldar to Valinor. But one night, something happened which slightly ruined the experience. Two of the most feared and hated creatures in existance came across the island and inspected it. They were the foul traffic warens, and they were hunting for prey.
    "He's double parked his island on those Coral Lines!" said one triumphantly.
    "Oooh, goody, we haven't clamped an island in two millenia!" said the other.
    " Who does he think he is anyway, that Valar bastard thinking he can park his islands wherever. I mean last time he tried it he accidently crushed a housing estate. What a ."

    Suddenly there was a cough behind them and they realised that Ulmo was there.
    "Now what are you doing with my island?"
    "Clamping it." said the first Traffic Warden triumphantly.
    "You can't do that, it's got to provide transportation for a huge Exodus!"
    "Whatever Moses, just pay the fine and you can do your little exodus later."
    "Hang on....don't I know you?" Ulmo said with a frown.
    "Probably," said Traffic Warden number two.
    "You...You aren't John Smith are you."
    "Yes....the John Smith you bullied at school!"

    Ulmo frowned.
    "Yes...I remember...the complete who droned on for hours on end about his collection of eighteenth century belt buckles."
    "They were rare and expensive!"
    "So's your momma!" Ulmo said.
    "Alright, I'm doubling the ticket. Bye bye!" He stuck a ticket on the island and stormed off, taking his partner with him.



    Book 4: The Eldar in Valinor


    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    Chapter one: Never there when you want one.

    In the end, Ulmo could not pay the extortionate fine for the island, so he simply dragged it out to sea. Unfortunately this led to the clamped bit of the island breaking off and forming the Isle of Balar. However only the Vanyar and the Noldor were on the island. The Teleri were further east and they heard the summons too late, arriving seconds after Ulmo left with the island.

    "BASTARDS!" cried one of the Teleri, panting in rage.
    "No matter, I'm sure there'll be another along soon." said his friend.
    "Wh-What do you mean another one?"
    "Well, according to this Isle transportation guide, there'll be another one along in about a thousand years."
    "So I've run six hundred miles, narrowly escaping wolves and bears, get here too late and now you want me to wait a thousand years for a sodding island?"
    "Well, if it isn't too much of an inconvienience." said his friend.
    The angry Teleri smashed his friend's face in.

    But then from the sea came the Maiar Osse, and he taught them much in the way of sea craft, and the music of the Teleri could be heard for miles around.

    'Angband.'

    Sauron buried his head under his pillow as the sound of the Teleri music sounded. Rock Night. Every Week. On a Friday. For a thousand years. Roggy walked into his room.
    "Having trouble sleeping?" he said.
    "No, I just enjoy suffocating myself half to death with a pillow." Sauron said sarcastically.
    "Do you need a little bedtime story?"
    "Roggy, I'm six million years old."
    "I'll tell you the one about the three elves and the warg." Roggy said.
    "...Oh go on then." Sauron said and snuggled under the covers.

    'Warning: Due to the horrific and graphic nature of 'The Three little Elves' it shall not be repeated here, because it contains much gratuitous violence, sex and rude words. Apparently it once won an Oscar for the film adaption, but that was only because the cast personally murdered everyone in the hall.'

    So aside from teaching the Teleri how to rock out, Osse also taught them other things, such has how to build ships. And...that was about it. He didn't even teach them how to swim.

    But then Finwe asked Ulmo to bring the Teleri over to Valinor. So Ulmo went over and asked them. And most agreed that they should go. This kind of upset Osse.
    "Hang on a minute, don't I get a say in this?" he asked Ulmo.
    "Not really."
    "But...The wonderful times I've had with these guys. The Rock music....the endless music upon the blue shores of the sea, echoing like the cries of the Eagles of Manwe." he said wistfully.
    "Yeah, have an A* for the English Lesson. Now piss off."

    But Osse did persuade some to stay and they became the first mariners of all time. And their lord was Cirdan the Shipwright, whose name is revered throughout history and is mentioned a grand total of once in the entire LOTR trilogy. Still, he is very old and has a beard, so we'll let him off.
    But the others went aboard the isle and were taken over the sea.

    'Meanwhile, in some random woods'

    From the trees, emerged Elwe and Melian, only in this time he had become a badass, and grown a beard and become an old grizzled Clint Eastwood type. And those of the Teleri who remained saw him and their hearts turned to gladness. And he stood before them, and he said,
    "We got some work to do." And cheer after cheer filled the glades, and all was well in the lands of Elu Thingol.


    Book 5: A new beginning

    Note: Due to crappy story stagnation I will start at Feanor's birth, because then i can insult him.

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Chapter 1: The birth of a bastard

    After a while, Finwe, king of the Noldor, had a baby with his dear wife. The child was called Curufinwe, which means 'Spirit of Fire' He got this name from his temper, but also from the fact he was born with a full head of ginger hair. The fact that she had spawned a ginger baby caused the queen to promptly lie down and will herself to death. This upset Finwe, who wanted to die before her so he didn't have to look after 'The Ginger Prick' as he called the child.

    While some wrote that her last words were, 'The life that would've gone into many has gone into Feanor' her actual last words were, 'The swords that should've gone into many, should go into Feanor's chest.' Now, unlike most gingers, Feanor was brave, strong, and had reinforced trousers to deal with the weight of his nethers. However his weakness was always in his hair, although any who sniggered, 'Gingernuts' behind his back often ended up their testicles in one of his many vices.

    A notable incident happened in Feanor's design class with Aule. Aule had just gone to check on a small mining explosion that had flattened part of the Pelori mountains, and when he returned he found the school bully nailed to his chair by his testicles, while Feanor stood upon the table and teabagged him from above, yelling 'Eat my gingernuts you offensive bastard!' Aule immediately took action, and took a seat to watch the drama unfold.

    The school bully was so traumatised by the event that he went mad and started calling Mandos 'Mummy'
    and folllowed him around. This led to an 'unfortunate accident' according to Mandos, involving a scythe and a slightly too strong swing. This reliable testimony, and a well placed bribe, led to no charges being pressed and the father of the bully being forced to pay the costs of reattaching the boys head.

    Now Feanor was a great craftsman of jewels. The first jewels he made were white and colourless but shone when set understarlight. In truth he bought some solar powered lamps from IKEA and cheated.
    But with his greatest works he used something unknown. The Silmarils were jewels, perfect, hallowed by Varda so that no evil hand could touch them.

    Now Feanor married the daughter of a great weaponsmith, whom he persuaded to teach him weaponcraft, for, as he put it 'No particular reason'. Now Feanor had seven sons, which was surprising, considering that elves were about as fertile as Chernobyl. They were, Maedhros, Maglor,Caranthir , Celegorm, Curufin, Amrod, and Amras. The seven shared little in common, save that they shared their fathers habit of being a bastard.

    Meanwhile Finwe married again and had two sons with this second wife. They were Fingolfin the Great, and Finarfin the Wuss, for reasons later revealed. Feanor told his stepmother in no uncertain terms to get stuffed and never had a good relationship with his siblings. He decided to focus on his jewels and getting his wife pregnant, which he was very successful at.

    Now Feanor was a bastard, with any reference to the word ginger punishable by death. One example involved him walking through Tuna market when an elf yelled out, "Ginger Kittens for sale!" Feanor became enraged and promptly beat the elf to death with one of the kittens. He also founded the Valinor Society for Gingers, with him being Chairman, and the sole member.

    But the twilight dawned upon Valinor for the release of Melkor drew near...
    .

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Chapter 2: Melkor goes free

    Melkor was thrown before the feet of Manwe, still shackled.
    "So Melkor. Have you learned your lesson?" asked Manwe.
    "Melkor mumbled something about his :wub: and bleeding. Manwe tilted his head so he could look behind Melkor. What he saw shook him for a moment. He turned to Eonwe.
    "Get Melkor a few crates of soothing cream, I think he may need to apply some in....certain areas."
    Eonwe nodded and left.

    "So Melkor. Are you sorry for what you have done."
    "Yes." said Melkor.
    "You promise."
    "I cross my heart and hope to die." said Melkor in a really sarcastic voice, which Manwe seemed to fail to notice.
    "Alright then, you can go." said Manwe. Tulkas and Ulmo stood up.
    "What? You're letting this son of a go?"
    "Why not?"
    "He killed Thousands!"
    "Forgive and forget."
    "Mutilated Illuvatar's Children!"
    "Everyone makes mistakes."

    Ulmo and Tulkas sat down, for they would not rebel just to kill Melkor.
    "Very well. Release Melkor!" said Manwe, and two maiar stepped forward and went to unchain Melkor.
    "Sorry Mr Melkor," said one of them. " Would you mind moving your crossed fingers away from the lock?"
    "Sure," said Melkor. (I hope you picked up on the subtle hint on the last line.)
    At last Melkor was unchained and he stood up.
    "You are free." said Manwe,
    "Thank you. Now I'm just going to go and brood your downfal-I mean think about how to help the people of Valinor!"
    "Good boy. Also could you pick up a carton of milk please, I've just run out!"
    "Of course." said Melkor, grinding his teeth together in a lame attempt at a smile.

    He left the ring of doom and immediately stamped his foot.
    "Send ME to get a bloody carton of milk? I invented milk! What next? 'Oh Melkor, why don't you just bend over while chewing on this ball gag!'" he roared, before storming towards the market.
    A small elf child ran up to him.
    "Do you have any money I could borr-" Melkor slapped the child into the air.
    "NO!" he roared, as the child sadly fell right into the Shark Exhibit at the Valmar aquarium.

    He entered the grocery store as Mrs Gresheller, the kindly old elvish lady who ran the store was about to close up.
    "I'm sorry deary, but I'm just closing." she said in that adorable old lady voice.
    "Move it, hag!" said Melkor and pulled out Grond, smashing her straight into the vast and disgusting Valmar sewers. He grabbed a carton of milk and stormed out.
    He then entered the marketplace on his way back, passing by a charity collector.
    "Money for the poor," he asked cheerfully.

    Melkor turned to face him. The charity guy had a bucket full of coins.
    "Sure I'll help." he said and grabbed the bucket. He ignited his hand and melted all of the coins into molten metal, before dumping the bucket over the man's head. As he danced around screaming with his face being replaced by a rather lovely shade of copper, Melkor walked away and said,
    "You said you wanted a generous donation."

    Melkor returned with the milk but sadly walked in on Manwe and Varda in 'Private time'. What he saw put him off milk and all other dairy products for life. We need not go into detail.

    Anyway, Melkor was free, though Tulkas clenched his fist whenever he saw him, he was certain that Melkor was the one who put a pink sock into the dirty laundry and ended staining his bets sumo fighting gear a lovely shade of mauve. It's hard to look intimidating when you look like a retarded rose.

    Ulmo retreated into the depths of the sea, brooding on Melkor, and on how he was going to fix the leaks in his otherwise fabulous underwater palace. It was a major problem, when the Valar of the sea is trying to coerce women back to his palace he does not want the roof of his palace falling in on them.

    But Melkor schemed and plotted and spread foul rumors about Manwe's Internet History. And though the Valar could never find out the perpetrator, they guessed it was Melkor. But his true revenge would soon come to fruition.


    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Chapter 3: The unrest of the Noldor.

    Over time, Melkor walked around Valinor and pretended to help the peoples of that fair place. In secret though he was subtly weaving in foul lies about the Valar, such as the one about how this beautiful and pleasant land was in fact a glorified prison. Now obviously what he was saying was a load of ********, and indeed few of the Noldor picked up on his subtlety, and therefore long and barren was his work. This was in no part thanks to his habit of donning his 200 foot tall black clad Dark Lord form, which intimidated a few people. However, it was also noticed that a lot of the things he was supposed to be helping with went badly wrong. For example, the Teleri asked him to build some ships for the annual boat race. All of them mysteriously sank during the race. There was also the famous Valmar Child Sports Day incident, where the fireworks somehow malfunctioned and flew directly into the children's waiting area. And of course, who could ever forget the Great Laundry Cock Up, where Mandos' white party robes were stained a vomit green colour by a ill placed sock. All lines pointed to Melkor but Manwe couldn't understand how anyone could be so evil.

    However in time Melkor found those who would listen, and those who would then spread his lies further. He even secretly set up a newspaper to spread his propaganda, known today as the Daily Mail. Then rumors began to spread that the Valar kept the Quendi there through fear that they would grow elsewhere and become too powerful to control. This of course, was total nonsense and only a fool would believe it, but sadly there were many fools in the world at the time. And some thought of mighty realms they could've ruled in the east amongst their sundered brethren, full of wonder and light and all manner of pretty things.

    Worse, Melkor told them of the coming of men, and how the Valar were defrauding the Elves of their inheritance of the land, so that they could sway the hearts of men to their bidding, and gain access to the large amount of wenches that men had. Fury filled the Noldor at this thought, for they thought their wenches perfectly fine. But Melkor laughed in secret, in a soundproof room so that his 200 decibel evil laugh could not be heard, for he knew little of men, nor did he care, thinking that they would be weak and foolish. And indeed, the Valar seem to share the same opinion for they do not usually meddle with the affairs of men, and do not particularly care what they do. Unfortunately many of the Noldor believed him because they were stupid, and the Valar didn't seem to notice when hundreds of Noldor in red caps stormed through Valmar screaming, 'Liberty! Equality! Fraternity!'

    Indeed fiercest the desire for new realms and power burned in Feanor's heart for he had become prideful of his creations, the Silmarils. He often wore them at feasts, blazing on his forehead, and often had his food brought raw to the table and then cooked it on the plate with the light. Also, the fact that the Silmarils blazed like searchlights meant that the person sitting at the far end, (Usually Fingolfin or Finarfin) ended up suffering from extensive eye damage for the rest of the week. And Feanor even begrudged the sight of them to all, save for his sons and his father, withdrawing his contract with the Valinor Jewellry Association via a strongly worded letter. However he seemed to forget that the light of the Silmarils was not his by rights, though anyone pointing this out often ended up with a broken nose.

    High Princes of the Noldor were Finwe and Fingolfin, with Finarfin being largely ignored and told to 'Go to bed' whenever there was a domestic dispute. The two began to become jealous and guarded, hoarding their wealth, and secretly building arms and armor in the event of all out war. And Melkor, noticing this divide, told them both seperate lies, telling Feanor that Fingolfin wer eplanning to usurp the trhone and drive him away, and steal his jewels. However, he told Fingolfin that feanor was plotting to drive him away from Tuna and then castrate his children. To Finarfin, he told him to **** off and die. And seeing that his lies were smouldering, he spoke to Feanor about using the huge stash weapons he had to defend himself, while telling Fingolfin to forge his own, and suggesting to Finarfin that he should fall on a sword rather than wield one.

    But Feanor then made a secret forge, so secret that it was protected by five security locks, each requiring eight passwords. If the password was typed in wrong, a huge nuclear bomb would go off, devastating the surrounding area. None knew anything of the forge, and Feanor used it to temper awesome blades of power, and armour that withstood anvils being dropped on them. Of course, it also provided an excellent place to roast marshmellows, and it was claimed by Maglor later that they were the best marshmellows he ever had.


    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Chapter 4: Fighting in Tuna

    Fingolfin grew very worried by Feanor's anger, especially as Feanor had recently taken out a life insurance policy on Fingolfin should anything 'Involving Decapitation' should occur to Fingolfin. Therefore he gathered up his sword, and then told Finarfin to carry it for him as he stormed into the palace of Tuna. He marched up and bowed before Finwe.
    "My lord, will thou not restrain our brother, for he is being a tremendous :wub:!"
    "Of course." said Finwe, and promptly picked up his sceptre and broke it over Finarfin's head. He sat down again.
    "There you are." he smiled.
    "No, the other brother!" said Fingolfin, looking at his unconscious brother. "But a good hit nonetheless."

    "Remember father, it was you who accepted the Valar's summons to this land, you are the immortal ruler of our people. You must stop Feanor's madness. And if you cannot alone, we shall stand by you."
    Unfortunately as Fingolfin spoke and Finarfin dragged himself from the hall Feanor strode in, wearing a rather large hat in the style of the Pope. He was also wielding a rather nasty looking sword.
    He took one look at his father and brother and exclaimed,
    "So it is as I suspected, my brother and father plotting against me, to drive me from my city! Begone, and know your place in this house!"

    Fingolfin took one look at the mean sword, and began to walk away without word. However, as he passed Feanor, he reached up and knocked the Pope hat from Feanor's head, which caused a rather unfortunate dent in the marble floor. He laughed and dashed down the corridor to the exit, trampling Finarfin on the way out. Feanor shrieked in rage, angry at his gingerness being exposed to the world, and rushed after him, trampling Finarfin with his special spiked boots designed for such an occurance.
    He caught up with Fingolfin at the entrance and drew his sword and placed it on his brother's throat.
    "You see brother? I am the master here, and you will not usurp my place. Try it, and this sword will rid this world of a master of Thralls!"

    Fingolfin burst into laughter, and a crowd started to come together.
    "What are you gonna do Feanor? Set me on fire with your laser beam Silmarils? Maybe burn me with that enchanted sword you have there?"
    "That's where you are wrong brother. For this sword is enchanted by a spell that will incinerate all in my path!" Immediately everyone drew back.
    "I call your bluff, brother. Use your magic spell!" And Feanor drew himself up to full height and pointed his sword at Fingolfin.
    "BRISINGR!" he cried. The hilt of the sword caught fire and he dropped it, cursing.
    "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Fingolfin. "What next, are you going to levitate with Wingardium Leviosa?"
    "Shut up!" yelled Feanor. "It was Radagast who enchanted this...I'm beginning to think that he may be really crap at his job!"

    And Fingolfin laughed and dragged Finarfin away. But then there came a roar and an elf with a spiked helmet rushed at Feanor, head bowed.
    "ECTHELION OF THE FOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUNNNNNTAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIINNNNN!" he cried as he dived a Feanor, missed, and plunged miserably into the Fountain, where he drowned.

    Now Feanor's miseerable failure at an assassination reached the ears of the Valar, and they must have had their hearing-aids turned off before that because it was pretty obvious that something was going on.
    Anyway, they immediately suspected Feanor, as opposed to the Dark Lord of Evil they had recently let out of prison. So they summoned him to the Ring of Doom. And Feanor came, with a new, properly enchanted sword.
    He stood before Mandos, who was donned in full Grim Reapor clothes, and he told all that he knew of the matter. And at last the true culprit was revealed, to which Ulmo facepalmed and gave Manwe an 'I told you so' look.
    And Manwe immediately ordered that Melkor be hunted down, arrested and immediately thrown into a bot of boiling oil. Eonwe then informed Manwe that there was a distinct lack of oil, so Manwe told him to go declare war on a Middle-Eastern country and take their oil.

    But Feanor was not guiltless, and the fact that he so miserably failed to kill his rival was enough to convince Manwe to banish him from Tirion for twelve years. Feanor esponded by giving him a two fingered salute and storming off, followed by his seven sons and his father, for he would not let hsi son suffer the shame of exile alone. His sons went because Feanor threatened to cut them from his will, although thta was pretty stupid to fall for, considerng that Feanor was immortal.

    Anyway, in Formenos he stored a multitude of gems and weapons, and unkindly forced Finwe to sleep on the couch as opposed to a bed. And FIngolfin then took up rule of the Noldor in Tirion and ruled wisely. Even Finarfin was promoted to King's *****, which was definitely a better life than he was expecting.


    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Chapter 5: Morgoth gets owned.

    Unfortunately Tulkas was too late, Melkor had already fled, leaving the old bucket of water on the door trap to slow down the pursuit. Tulkas walked right into it and was blinded for a few minutes, which was all the time Melkor needed to vanish, and he could not be found. This displeased Manwe, who had just finished his nasty war in the Middle East for the oil needed to boil Melkor alive. Yet the pursuit carried on, though Melkor made strong and well hidden his hiding places, and with each one the Valar would find, he would have another prepared. Mandos attempted to use his power to discover Melkor's hiding place, but only succeeded in accidentally directing the arresting officers to an old people's home, which the Valar promptly disintegrated. And Melkor laughed as he saw the false teeth fly from the debris, for he was in the house opposite of the home.

    But Feanor worked in his forge at Formenos, hitting metal with hammers and muttering about slicing Fingolfin into tiny little pieces. There was also the matter of Galadriel rejecting his offer for a lock of her hair, especially since she denounced him as perverse and a creep. He responded by saying that at least he had a storyline that everyone agreed upon. Unfortunately this merely caused Galadriel to kick him in the shin and storm off. But he cared little for her compared to the Silmarils. He denied his father the sight of them, demanding that he wear a blindfold at dinnertime so that Feanor could wear them without fear. This annoyed Finwe to no end, but what could he do about it? He was literally trapped in a house with a Ginger Maniac with a crazy streak.

    But Feanor then got a shock when he opened his door one day, and saw Melkor there, suitcase in hand.
    "What? What are you doing here?"
    "I need a place to crash. They're on to me man!"
    "Really? Why would I trust you?"
    "Because I sympathise with you! You were banished unjustly by the valar and supplanted by the miserable Fingolfin."
    "I did try to kill him."
    "Have I not been a friend to the Noldor Feanor? Grant me this and I will help you escape this land of fools!"

    And Feanor pondered, for he knew that Melkor was Vala, and that he knew more of the rest of them than did any elf, save Ingwe himself.
    And Melkor realised that he could influence Feanor further, maybe even begin a civil war now."
    "This place is strong Feanor, but do not think that the Silmarils will be safe in this land of the Valar!"
    But he pushed too far, touched too deep a nerve. For Feanor then percieved his lust for the Silmarils, and he learned that Melkor intended to sell them on Ebay to gain enough money to start another war.
    "Begone, thou jailbird of Mandos!" he cried, and slammed his mithril reinforced door in Melkor's face.

    He heard a loud bang.
    "Let me in or I'll blow your house down!" came Melkor's cry. Fenaor walked over to a lever marked 'For unwanted guests'. He called out,
    "Not by the red hairs on my chinny ****ing chin!" he laughed and pulled the lever.
    At once the Welcome mat under Melkor's feet fell away.
    "You have got to be-" Melkor said, before plunging down the hole.
    This hole led to Feanor's sewer pipe, which ran for two hundred miles before it reached the Valmar sewers. Melkor would need a lot of baths to get the smell out.

    Finwe heard of this unwanted guest while he was on the toilet and heard a faint cry of, "How much **** can one house make!"
    Terrified, he quickly sent messengers to Valmar. Manwe read the messages and turned to the Ring of Doom.
    "Bad news, Melkor has literally gone down the crapper."
    "He's in the sewers?" said Ulmo.
    "Yep. And worse, he's coming our way."
    "I say we put a massive net across the entrance so he gets caught!" said Aule.
    "I like the plan," said Manwe.

    "Or we could send Ulmo in to fish him out, he is the Vala of water after all." said Tulkas.
    "I am not the Valar of toilet water! I'm not going in there, you can get lost down there!" said Ulmo.
    But then another messenger arrived from Tuna.
    "I have news! We've just spotted Melkor, in the form of some sort of thundercloud rushing past."
    "Curses," said Manwe. "Tulkas, get after him!"

    And they also recieved messeges from the Teleri, complaining that Melkor had just dumped a huge pile of excrement in the middle fo their docks, and they were attempting to extract Olwe from the pile. And Tulkas and Orome pursued the rumours of Melkor to the far North, braving the start of the Helcaraxe itself, before finally turning back.
    "Did you get him?" asked Manwe.
    "No. He's vanished." said Orome.
    "How does one simply vanish?"
    "Well, he can be invisible, as can we."
    "But surely Eru would've thought to give us the ability to see through each other's ability?"
    "He may have forgotten that."
    Manwe sighed, but he guessed that Melkor was going back to the Hither Lands and would leave Valinor alone.

    'A road in south Valinor.'

    And Elven couple and their two children were on holiday, driving down a narrow country road, when suddenly a figure stepped in front of them, brandishing two MG-42's in each hand. He opened fire, spraying the car with enough ammunition to decimate army divisions. As Melkor pulled the bodies from the car and got in, he laughed, for he knew that no one would recognise him in thsi car. He began to drive, took the sharp turn ahead, and then the car simply rolled over and into a ditch. For unfortunately for Melkor, he had ambushed a family that were driving a Reliant Robin, the worst car to corner with, in the world.
    "For the love of....well....ME!" siad Melkor as he lay upside down.


    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Chapter 6: Ungoliant

    Abandoning the car after a particularly awkward corner caused him to tumbledown the Pelori directly into the Sea, Melkor headed on foot down to the far south of Valinor, where the guard was lax and few lived. And there, in the dark caves that the Valar for some reason built into their land of joy and hope, lived Ungoliant.

    None knew of her true origins. Some speculate that she was a spirit perverted by Melkor in the early days of Arda, and that she rejected him to feed her own unending hunger. Some suggest that she was there at the beginning, much like Tom Bombadil, which goes to show Eru's strange sense of humour. And some cynical writers who put cheap references into their stories speculate that Ungoliant is actually Miley Cyrus put up on meth.
    But you can choose your own theory.

    In any case she took the form of a huge, bloated spider, and her webs were darkness and void. So Melkor came to her caves and greeted her.
    "Ungoliant! How's my favourite corrupted and evil spider!"
    And Ungoliant hissed back,
    "What do you want silver-tounge? I have much sitting and brooding to do here. Look, I even have some friends over."

    Melkor looked over at a small table, where a guy in dark hair wielding a gunblade was sitting down in the darkness, along with Batman.
    "Well, you're company has improved." he said, in a sort of sarcastic manner.
    "Oh it gets better, I'm having Sephiroth over for brunch tommorow." she said slightly excitedly.
    'Oh this was a terrible idea.' thought Melkor to himself and walked in slowly, as Ungoliant gestured him to sit down.

    There was an awkward silence.
    "So," Melkor said, staring at the gunblade guy. "What have you been doing today?"
    "Contemplating my miserable existing and how I'm going to end it." he said in a dreary voice.
    'And they say Final Fantasy 13 sucked.' Melkor brooded.
    "In any case," he continued. "I have a propsition for you Ungoliant."
    "It's nothing to do with drug smuggling again is it?"
    "No, no, no just the utter destruction of the Two Trees of Valinor, and the possible robbery of three jewels."

    Ungoliant pondered.
    "What's in it for me, oh great deciever."
    "All the jewels I can carry in my hands are yours, weaver, for your feast.'
    " Indeed, Jewelry does agree with me...very well then, I accept."
    "Excellent!" said Melkor, but then Gunblade Guy spoke up.

    "Actually, I want to come too."
    Melkor's heart sank.
    "Why? And what do you want from it?"
    "I- I just want to be loved...." he sniffed and sank his head into his hands.
    Melkor blasted him through the wall.
    "I do not allow pussies into my group of evil!" he roared.

    Ungoliant spoke again.
    "What about Sauron?"
    "Yeah, but Sauron makes great cookies." Melkor waved his arm.
    "Icing?" Ungoliant asked.
    "Of course."
    "Then I want a dozen."
    "...Fine."

    'Meanwhile, in Middle-Earth'

    "! I've set the hideout on fire!" cried Sauron, grabbing a fire extinguisher that turned out to be empty. He was baking cookies and the oven had gotten too hot.
    Roggy came bursting with an aerosal can.
    "Never fear, I am here!" he cried and sprayed the aerosal at the fire. It immediately ignited, turning the can into a hand grenade and blew the base up.
    "NOT THE COOKIES!" cried Sauron as the ceiling caved in on him.
    Last edited by Lortano; September 15, 2013 at 06:03 PM.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Three Jewels, One Valar: The Heroic First Age

    Ohh Yeah

  3. #3
    Hamilicar's Avatar Tiro
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    Default Re: Three Jewels, One Valar: The Heroic First Age: Chapter 4 is up, and this is where I will stop for the next few weeks

    Like Like Like

  4. #4

    Default Re: Three Jewels, One Valar: The Heroic First Age: Chapter 4 is up, and this is where I will stop for the next few weeks

    Just finish reading all the stuff you have posted so far. And i got to say, nice stuff you got here.

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    "I have an idea. I shall warp all designs to my own and I shall rule the UNIVERSE! MUHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHAH!"

    He heard coughing behind him. He turned around and saw Eru glaring at him.
    "What was that Melkor?"
    "Erm...I...was contemplating what to get you for your birthday."
    "The Universe? For a present. Don't mean to insult you but I already own a universe."
    "Maybe a watch then?"
    "...That would be nice."
    "...Okay


    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    "Excellent....my bribing of those construction workers worked perfectly...they will never see my shadow in the light of the lamps." Then Melkor arose and roared,
    Words can not say how funny i find this line.

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Suddenly a laugh was heard and all turned to face a man, clad in black armour and with a retarded echo voice.
    "I am the prince of Darkness."
    "And who are you?" demanded Melkor.
    "I am the one, true King. And all will bend their knee to ME!"
    Everyone stared at him for several seconds. The Lich King frowned.
    "What? Is there something on my-"

    Suddenly twenty five powerful looking creatures grabbed him and dragged out of the door and closed it behind them. The whole council sat in silence as they heard several loud thumps and yells of,
    "Heal, Heal, HEAL."
    "Bags I the Primordial Saronite!"
    "He's getting back up, STAB HIM!" Then all went silent.
    Melkor coughed and spoke.
    "Anyway, I think that you two can both me my second in command. My Right and Left hand men."Osbourne and Sauron nodded and shook hands across the table. Then the whole table broke into loud 'Muhahaha's. The council was ready.
    At least now they won't have to go to count over the name Witch King. However they might want to check the body and do a few more stabs just in case.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Three Jewels, One Valar: The Heroic First Age: Chapter 4 is up, and this is where I will stop for the next few weeks

    Good news!

    I have access to a computer today so I will be putting up what will be the last chapter in the first book. If you have found this funny, then leave a comment, but you are going to find the next lot of chapters far more amusing.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Three Jewels, One Valar: Guess who's back? Book 2: Chap 1 is up!

    I am back! As are the Elves, who are rising in the latest chapter of my book.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Three Jewels, One Valar: returned from Holiday. Chapte 3 is up!!!

    I have returned! And I require comments to sate my hunger!

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Three Jewels, One Valar:Chapter 4 is up!

    Chapter 5: What happened nex

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Three Jewels, One Valar:Book 2: Chapter 5 is up! COMMENTS!

    Chapter 1: The beginning of the journey.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Three Jewels, One Valar:Book 2: Chapter 5 is up! COMMENTS!

    Chapter 2: parting the seas.
    Last edited by Lortano; September 08, 2012 at 06:20 AM.

  11. #11
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    Default Re: Three Jewels, One Valar:Book 3, the first chapters are now!

    Chapter 3: Behold, Beleriand

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Three Jewels, One Valar:Book 3, the first chapters are now!

    Chapter 4: The many journeys of Elwe Singollo.

  13. #13
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    Default Re: Three Jewels, One Valar:Book 3, the first chapters are now!

    Chapter 5: The Terrible creatures of Arda.

  14. #14
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    Default Re: Three Jewels, One Valar:Book 3, the first chapters are now!

    Book 4: The Eldar in Valinor

    Chapter 1: Never one when you want it.

  15. #15
    Captain Zoran's Avatar Ducenarius
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    Default Re: Three Jewels, One Valar:Book 3, the first chapters are now!

    Have you given up on this story or is it more coming? Would love to read more of it!
    The friendly neighbourhood hobo with a shotgun of Westeros: Total War, bringing the Game of Thrones to life!
    Check out my new LOTR fan(tastic) fiction here: The Accountant's Trial

  16. #16
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    Default Re: Three Jewels, One Valar:Book 3, the first chapters are now!

    I've been caught up for months with GCSE work, been a total nightmare! Also, I found that the story of the Silmarillion stagnated somewhat between Utumno and Feanor's birth, so when i do start again, I will restart at Feanor's birth.

  17. #17
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    Default Re: Three Jewels, One Valar:Book 3, the first chapters are now!

    Book 5: A new beginning
    Last edited by Lortano; February 07, 2013 at 04:43 PM.

  18. #18
    Flinn's Avatar His Dudeness of TWC
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    Default Re: Three Jewels, One Valar:Book 3, the first chapters are now!

    Quote Originally Posted by Lortano View Post
    The child was called Curufinwe, which means 'Spirit of Fire' ...
    just a note, Curufinwe means the Skilled son of Finwe, while Feanor means "Spirit of Fire"

    Anyway, a great job man, yesterday I spent 2 hours reading it all, I almost fell 10 times from my chair

    + rep

    Flinn
    Under the patronage of Finlander, patron of Lugotorix & Lifthrasir & joerock22 & Socrates1984 & Kilo11 & Vladyvid & Dick Cheney & phazer & Jake Armitage & webba 84 of the Imperial House of Hader

  19. #19
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    Default Re: Three Jewels, One Valar:Book 3, the first chapters are now!

    Fair enough, excuse the fact I did this in low lighting, and couldn't see to read the Silmarillion. Still at least you enjoyed it!

  20. #20
    Flinn's Avatar His Dudeness of TWC
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    Default Re: Three Jewels, One Valar:Book 3, the first chapters are now!

    I did!

    there are some good comic stories out there, but I like your stile as it is easy to read (for me at least ), yet still funny and not boring.

    Looking forward to see the rest

    Flinn
    Under the patronage of Finlander, patron of Lugotorix & Lifthrasir & joerock22 & Socrates1984 & Kilo11 & Vladyvid & Dick Cheney & phazer & Jake Armitage & webba 84 of the Imperial House of Hader

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