Tale of the Week 282: The Sculptor's Dream - WINNER'S CIRCLE

[theSilentKiller]

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The Sculptor's Dream


Workshop of Phidias, photo by Alun Salt, resized, CC BY-SA 2.0


It has been a great competition again, with many well scluptured entries, and C-Beam's story 'Duty First' came out first, earning him his 2nd in the Hall of Fame! Lt. Reynalds and Smith, two English soldiers, discover a building with astonishing "ivory carvings, each crafted with fine precision" - a prove that the naive African tribesmen there were not mere savages but capable of producing finest art. But as revenge for a recent attack on a nearby fort and as a means for repression, they were ordered to burn it down - after all, it's Duty First.

TotW 282: Starship Down - WINNING SUBMISSION

Duty First

Lieutenant Reynolds removed his helmet and wiped his brow as he gaped in awe.

“Sublime,” he whispered as the sun glazed over his brass buttons.

He turned and looked for his deputy amongst the throng of soldiers and African tribesmen.

“Smith,” he called over the din of the natives' settlement. “Smith, come quick. Come and see this.”

Smith appeared, his face flush as he panted. “I’ve looked everywhere, Lieutenant, but I think Fort William’s messenger is still yet to arrive.”

“Never mind that, Smith. Just look at this.” Reynolds pointed his cane towards a small thatched temple. “Have you seen anything like it?”

Smith shielded his eyes and squinted through the sunlight. “My word, it’s beautiful.”

The building was no larger than a house and built from earth and wood. Embedded into its walls were ivory carvings, each crafted with fine precision. Reynolds and Smith smiled as they noted the depictions of the tribes' customs, their history and their religion.

Smith pulled out his notebook and pencil.

“There,” Reynolds said as he pointed to a charcoal image of figures dancing. “Sketch that first. I think it is an origins tale.”

Smith began his sketch, then paused. “You were right, Sir,” he said as he looked to Reynolds. “We really could find proof these people are more than mere savages.”

“Indeed,” Reynolds said as he nodded and tapped his cane to his chin. “With this evidence, we can show no ‘enlightenment’ is needed here. Now the Crown will have to create a new policy towards the tribes.”

Reynolds closed his eyes and breathed in the smell of earth and herbs as a bird hopped over the temple’s thatch. “These lands are a beauty, Smith. More serene than any English countryside, I’d say.”

“Yes, sir,” Smith said as he tugged his collar and resumed his sketch. “If a little too hot at times.”

“Lieutenant Reynolds,” a messenger called from the crowd behind them.

“Ah, private,” Lieutenant Reynolds said as they saluted one another. “Good to see you are alive and well. Your dally had us quite worried.”

“Apologies,” the messenger said as he brushed clean his tunic. “Turmoil struck Fort William last night when the natives launched a raid.”

“A raid, you say?” Reynolds frowned. “That is dire news.”

“Indeed, sir. And I had to wait whilst Commander Baker issued you new orders.”

The messenger clapped his heels together and handed Reynolds a telegram.

Reynolds opened the envelope and read the letter. His jaw clenched and he shook his head.

“Smith,” he said without turning. “Stop your sketching, Smith.”

“Stop?” Smith asked as he looked up.

“We’ve received new orders. The tribes have raided Fort William and we are instructed to raze this settlement.”

“Raze?” Smith lowered his hands. “What about the temple here?”

“Duty first, Smith,” Reynolds said with a sigh. “Burn it.”

TotW 282: Submission thread | Voting thread

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If you want to take part in a TotW, you can do so in our current TotW 283: Starship Down!

[NorseThing]

Congradulations C-Beam! I was a bit messed up this past week and missed out on the polling. Your win is for a great submission.

[C-Beams]

Thank you NorseThing.

And thanks also to those who voted for my story. This competition, with its very low word count, has proven to be a great learning exercise; it is surprising at how much can be cut from an initial draft. And the result is a story that reads with a much tighter focus. I've learned a great deal about brevity from my two submissions to Tale of the Week, so thanks also to those who organise it.

[Turkafinwë]

Congrats to C-Beams!

[Cookiegod]

Your story was very well executed C-Beams. It already starts out with a surprising revelation, that might turn the world upside down and change the course of history, and then has a twist at the end that is on one hand surprising and yet on the other reverts everything back to normal, and is also slightly humorous because of that without detracting from the seriousness. In top of that you managed to create an atmosphere, which is quite the accomplishment considering the word count limit.
You deserved to win, and yes: Brevity is a very positive trait even in stories without a length limit. Chekhov's gun principle is perfectly illustrated by your story. I doubt it would have had the same effect, had it been longer.

I find that a lack of brevity is often a lack of clarity in the mind of the author, and that lack of clarity tends to make itself known and make the story worse. It's certainly the case in academics, but to a certain degree also in creative writing. In the perfect story, which does not exist, every word has meaning.

[C-Beams]

Thank you Turkafinwë and Cookiegod.

I agree Cookiegod, brevity and clarity go hand in hand. Just the other night, I watched Blade Runner 2049 for the hundredth time. It occurred to me how every scene was performing a specific function. Between each major plot point, in those calmer moments of the narrative, the story was addressing a precise world building detail or highlighting an important character trait. The writers of the film must have had a very clear vision to be able to tie the plot, setting and characters all together so well. I hope one day I can write a large piece of fiction that achieves this. Must keep practising!

Thanks again.

[Alwyn]

Congratulations C-Beams! I agree with your thoughts and those of Cookiegod about learning a lot from writing a brief story, and about much can be achieved with a few words - as your winning story shows. (I enjoyed Blade Runner too, both the original and the sequel. I'll start a thread in the Lounge about what writers can learn from watching movies and TV series. )

[King Athelstan]

A well-deserved victory, well done!

[mr_president]

Well done, C-Beams.
Indeed having to work with these limited word counts is a great exercise. I agree that the best stories are the ones which remove superfluous details.

[C-Beams]

Thank you Alwyn, King Athelstan and mr_president. I'm happy you enjoyed it.

I agree that the best stories are the ones which remove superfluous details.

Yes, I have been thinking about this a lot.

I re-read some old, old stories of mine and I can see they suffer greatly from being superfluous. But I remember at the time I was trying to achieve 'rich descriptions', which is common writing advice one gets told. What I missed back then though, is that 'rich descriptions' still needs to contain relevant detail (to plot, character, setting, etc.). So now I am telling myself my descriptions need to be 'weighted'; the more important the detail, the more description. That then has a knock on effect on needing a pretty good vision in place before writing, to know what is important. And that leads me to needing to outline better, which is something I am currently experimenting with.

Similar to this, is the use of adjectives. They are great, I think, for making descriptions feel more tangible. But when I re-read my old stories I see I have used them too often and it makes the prose feel... tacky, or something. But I am trying now to use the same 'weighted' principle. If the detail is important, that's the time to consider an adjective. And that is where the TotW word count restrictions really shines, it forces you to find what is important in your story. I have really learned a ton from participating in TotW.