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The robber lanes of Cowloon street.
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Thread: The robber lanes of Cowloon street.

  1. #1

    Default The robber lanes of Cowloon street.

    As she walked down the seemingly peaceful streets of Cowloon in eastern London, she couldn't help but feel a little uneasy. It wasn't the first time either for a widow like her, but yet, theRE is only so much that a noblewoman can achieve without a man to support her in her opinion. Cowloon street was on its surface the same as many other silent and dark lanes of the burrows of 1860's London. It was a very cheerful place in the morning with its bakeries and motels. It was also widely known for its metalworking legacy. All in all, it was a prosperous locality of iron workers and bakers to feed them.

    But this same legacy was what made the place seem so desolate at night, the metalworkers grandfathers and great-grandfathers had all been very famous for one thing, the making of torture equipments. True, since the beginning of the last century, that particular trade had been discarded for other and more profitable ventures, the shop owners all agreed upon the fact that the hundreds of victims who had died of those torture devices wouldn't pardon them so easily. Hence their union had declared all lights, including streetlights of the area to be closed off by late evening. All in all, it was a spooky lace full of ghosts.

    Now she, the Lady Smith of St.James county, according to the bag that she carried must have had no reason to fear ghosts nor did she did. For all she knew, if ghosts were real, then she might see her husband.

    The chilly wind however combined with the almost complete darkness only disturbed by some mandatory watchman oil lamps made it seem disturbing.

    Out of the corner of her eye she was keeping a watch behind her too, and now suddenly she could feel a presence behind her, it must have been walking behind her for a long time but she had begun to eel its reality right now. She proceeded to quicken her pace, the presence which seemed humanly did so to. She started doing a brisk jog too, this time the figure started running and before screaming she decided to look back and confront the figure bravely.

    Even in the darkness, the few ounces of light made the medal of 'The City of London police' glitter like a star.
    She heaved a sigh of relief.

    The policeman quickly came up near her and enquired.

    "Where are you going so late at evening Ma'am?"

    To which she replied "I am returning from a ball near Buckingham palace, i am not really of the servant and entourage type since my beloved died" .

    "Hmm, do you want me to walk along just in case....................................I mean these parts round here aren't exactly the safety first type huh?" he asked in a gallantry tone.

    She thought for a few minutes and replied "Uh, ok, thanks" .
    So then the two started walking through the darkness, the policeman's lamp made the whole process much more easier.

    However the disturbing silence was still apparent to her mind. Judging that the policeman must be hesitant to speak to her, she started the conversation.
    "Hmm, so, how was the month officer, no wars since the Sepoy mutiny, no major crimes, no attacks on our sovereign, isn't it pretty boring?" .

    "Huh" he looked visibly surprised.

    "What happened?" she asked.

    "Madame, I am sorry if I say that you are uninformed, but that would be the truth" he said.

    "What do you mean?" she asked curiously.

    "Just 5 days before, in this very Cowloon street, a robber by the name James Hill brutally murdered anther by the name of William Matson" he said.

    "What do you mean by brutally?" she asked with even more curiosity.

    "No madam, the exact details are too grisly for delicate souls such as you, why bother your pretty mind with such thoughts on a night so dark?" he replied.

    "NO officer, I have traveled with my husband to Hindoostan, I have seen enough grisly death there, even more grisly than any you can find in England, tell me, I hardly read the news nowadays, I need to know" she said.

    He tried dissuading her several times but in vain, finally he started.

    "Now you see, this William Matson was robbing this street on dark nights such as this since the time the Queen wasn't crowned yet, he had a complete monopoly on robbing people on this street. Whenever anyone tried to encroach into his 'Territory', he would finish him off. Now it so happened that this guy James Hill, a deserter from '57 came to this street a few months back and brutally beat up a rich old man. This naturally offended Matson who decided to tell Hill who was the boss here, so he found him out in his measly lodgings near London docks and beat up the life out of him.

    It took Hill 8 and a half months to recover, but when he did, he decided to take revenge, so the day before that unfortunate date, he purchased a massive sledgehammer. Naturally we caught the man who sold it to him, but thats for another time.

    Now, this Hill waited in the dark alleyways of the street hoping for Matson to appear, now Matson was much more aged than him, so Hill decided to surprise him.

    That same day, Matson was returning after extracting 10 pounds from a local trader in exchange for not robbing him on a daily basis and leaving his customers mostly alone. In his arrogance he had even stopped carrying a knife to defend himself these days. So when the masked Hill appeared before him, he only laughed. He asked Hill about how he had the audacity to attack a man of such high stature like him. To this Hill replied that Matson was now growing old and it was time for succession. Then Hill raised his sledgehammer and..................................................... we found Matson's beat up body in this very place where we are standing right now"

    "Hmm, thats intriguing" she replied.

    "Yes, but you know what's even intriguing?" he asked. A subtle change had come over him, he looked to be a man on a mission.

    "What?" she asked as an answer.

    "I am not a policeman, I am James Hill, I have a sledgehammer and I want you to empty your bag and remove your jewels immediately, or your ghost will be wandering these streets by tomorrow" he said laughing.

    "AND NEITHER AM I LADY SMITH OF ST.JAMES, I AM WILLIAM MATSON THE EVERCHOSEN LEADER OF COWLOON STREET" she grinned.





    Never had anyone seen a more grisly manner of mutilation of a human body from Afghanistan to Apacheria than the one seen on the robber James Hill's on that sad rainy winter day 6 days after he had himself murdered the older robber William Matson the everchosen of Cowloon street in eastern London..................................................................................................................................................................
    To anyone concerned. I am leaving twc. Bye and best of luck.
    And Pike thanks for supporting me always.

  2. #2

    Default Re: The robber lanes of Cowloon street.

    A fun story and I like your sense of Victorian England. Your language choice helps to reinforce the setting's period, which is nice. Language such as...

    'prosperous locality of iron workers and bakers'
    'profitable ventures'
    'watchman oil lamps'
    'he asked in a gallantry tone'

    And even your choice in names feels very fitting - Cowloon Street, William Matson, James Hill.

    The ending was a fun twist. It would have been nice if there were some clues sprinkled into the lead up to the twist, I think. Like you did with your 'Red' horror story. So a reader has a chance to spot some hints that not all is what it seems.

    It was fun to read and a nice way to start my day, so thanks for taking the time to create and post this story.

  3. #3

    Default Re: The robber lanes of Cowloon street.

    Quote Originally Posted by C-Beams View Post
    A fun story and I like your sense of Victorian England. Your language choice helps to reinforce the setting's period, which is nice. Language such as...

    'prosperous locality of iron workers and bakers'
    'profitable ventures'
    'watchman oil lamps'
    'he asked in a gallantry tone'

    And even your choice in names feels very fitting - Cowloon Street, William Matson, James Hill.

    The ending was a fun twist. It would have been nice if there were some clues sprinkled into the lead up to the twist, I think. Like you did with your 'Red' horror story. So a reader has a chance to spot some hints that not all is what it seems.

    It was fun to read and a nice way to start my day, so thanks for taking the time to create and post this story.
    First of all thanks so much for commenting.
    Secondly, actually, there are some hints hidden, but they are well hidden.

    Thirdly you begin your day by reading spook stories?
    To anyone concerned. I am leaving twc. Bye and best of luck.
    And Pike thanks for supporting me always.

  4. #4

    Default Re: The robber lanes of Cowloon street.

    Oh really, that's great. I will re-read tomorrow and try to find the clues then.

    Yeah, I read spook stories in the morning. If I read your story at night, maybe, I'll begin to worry that Lady Smith of St James is lurking in the dark corner of my room . Lol

  5. #5
    The Wandering Storyteller's Avatar Content Staff
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    Default Re: The robber lanes of Cowloon street.

    Great stuff - do you need a inline critique?





















































  6. #6

    Default Re: The robber lanes of Cowloon street.

    Quote Originally Posted by San Felipe View Post
    Great stuff - do you need a inline critique?
    Yes please and thanks .
    To anyone concerned. I am leaving twc. Bye and best of luck.
    And Pike thanks for supporting me always.

  7. #7
    The Wandering Storyteller's Avatar Content Staff
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    Default Re: The robber lanes of Cowloon street.

    Np will do





















































  8. #8
    Alwyn's Avatar Frothy Goodness
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    Default Re: The robber lanes of Cowloon street.

    Wow, I wasn't expecting that ending! I agree with C-Beams about the element of fun in this tale, the details which helped to give an impression of Victorian London and the surprise at the end. (C-Beams wasn't the only reader who didn't spot hidden clues, I didn't see them either. I guess it's tricky to plant clues in a story, you don't want them to be obvious but you don't want them to be completely invisible.)

  9. #9

    Default Re: The robber lanes of Cowloon street.

    Thanks so much for commenting man.
    Plus rep if could.
    Can't type much on smartphone. Would edit this comment later.
    To anyone concerned. I am leaving twc. Bye and best of luck.
    And Pike thanks for supporting me always.

  10. #10
    The Wandering Storyteller's Avatar Content Staff
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    Default Re: The robber lanes of Cowloon street.

    Shame to see you go, here's the crit of part 1

    As she walked down the seemingly peaceful streets of Cowloon in eastern London, she couldn't help but feel a little uneasy. It wasn't the first time either for a widow like her, but yet, theRE is only so much that a noblewoman can achieve without a man to support her in her opinion. Cowloon street was on its surface the same as many other silent and dark lanes of the burrows of 1860's London. It was a very cheerful place in the morning with its bakeries and motels. It was also widely known for its metalworking legacy. All in all, it was a prosperous locality of iron workers and bakers to feed them.
    Okay so I am rewriting some of your sections to give you an idea.
    The streets of Cowloon were particularly peaceful during the time of July, in Eastern London.
    When you say she – who is she? Have a look at some books intro – see how other authors do.
    When you mention first time either – here you have a golden chance to shorten this. We know just by the streets of Cowloon, your character knows this place – so you don’t need to repeat it – what you can do is simply show why it is important.
    Cowloon streets were renowned for its famous food on Christmas eve.
    Etc.
    And then you could go into detail as to why she visits there.
    Now I am not sure whether you switched to second person, but if you write in third than keep in third, but then again your writing.
    For example, you write there is only so much – the Is makes it transforms into second person.
    If you wrote, there was only so much a noblewoman could achieve without the help of a man.
    Cowloon street was on its surface the same as many other silent and dark lanes of the burrows of 1860's London.
    You have an ample opportunity to transform this sentence.
    The street was remarkable to any visitor from outside of London. But in the dark, it was a beast of many magnitudes. One which the residents of Cowloon Street dared not venture out into the night.
    Etc.
    If you write it like that – one you explain why it’s important, then you make a metaphor, which means you describe something and attach a metaphor. So say I describe the hull of a ship, I add in something to make it feel more describable.







    . It was a very cheerful place in the morning with its bakeries and motels. It was also widely known for its metalworking legacy. All in all, it was a prosperous locality of iron workers and bakers to feed them. But this same legacy was what made the place seem so desolate at night, the metalworkers grandfathers and great-grandfathers had all been very famous for one thing, the making of torture equipments.
    I assume this is a short story. What you want to do here is to shorten. It talks about bakeries and motels and iron workers – but you want to add hint and mystery instead of telling – for example.
    The street was a prosperous locality of iron workers working in the darkness, with the fires of sweat and tears extinguishing into dank fumes into the blah blah
    Etc.
    However, the street was well known by prison wardens and members of society alike for useful purposes…
    By mentioning the well-known members of society – you then know this has something to do with it.
    True, since the beginning of the last century, that particular trade had been discarded for other and more profitable ventures, the shop owners all agreed upon the fact that the hundreds of victims who had died of those torture devices wouldn't pardon them so easily. Hence their union had declared all lights, including streetlights of the area to be closed off by late evening. All in all, it was a spooky lace full of ghosts.
    Great.
    Now Lady Smith according to the bag that she carried must have had no reason to fear ghosts nor did she did. For all she knew, if ghosts were real, then she might see her husband.
    Shorten this sentence. Her nobility status isn’t important yet. There is an ample chance to add this into the story. The first sentence could do with reduction of words that are not needed. So for example, she, had, no, did, she.
    The chilly wind combined with the almost complete darkness, disturbed a few mandatory watchman oil lamps.
    Fantastic! I removed some words so that it flows smoothly.
    Out of the corner of her eye she was keeping a watch behind her too, and now suddenly she could feel a presence behind her, it must have been walking behind her for a long time but she had begun to eel its reality right now. (Paragraph break) She proceeded to quicken her pace, the presence which seemed humanly did so to. Shorten this sentence. She started doing a brisk jog too, this time the figure started running and before screaming she decided to look back and confront the figure bravely. I would also look at the ‘she’ and remove that. Shorter sentences makes for better impact.





















































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