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Thread: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated May 19, 2019]

  1. #61
    Skotos of Sinope's Avatar Macstre Gaposal
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    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated November 21, 2018]

    Recap


    The Story So Far:
    The Gauls have invaded Italy. Only Tarchuna---the jewel of Etruria and birthplace of the Roman kings---stands in their way. Avle Spurinna has spent the last few weeks at his boyhood home at Cisra in the hopes of raising an army to save his brother and drive back the Gallic horde. Now, his army mustered and ready to march, Avle grapples with a sudden discovery: his family's chariot, the Kingsblood Quadriga...

    Characters Featured:


    Avle Spurinna: Main protagonist. Half-Roman Zilath (head of government) of Tarchuna. Descendent of the Roman kings on his mother's side and inheritor of the Kingsblood Quadriga. When we first meet him, he's an undisciplined drinker, gambler and chariot racer.







    Velthur the Stammerer: Uncle of Arnth. Patriarch of the Velchae. Honorable and irritable. A recent stroke has robbed him of his ability to speak. Now aide-de-camp to Avle Spurinna.








    Marce Velcha: Son of Arnth and heir to the Velchae.









    Brennus: Gallic king who invaded Etruscan territory and sacked Rome. The principal antagonist of book one.








    Terms Used:

    Caelius: September.
    sica: spy, secret agent
    frontac: priests practicing lightning strike divination.
    rasnele: “For the Etruscans!”


    Chapter Three – At the House of Masks (Part Six)



    Continued from Chapter Three, Part Five...

    It's been a week since I'd set this letter down, Ramtha. [The Etrusci celebrate an eight-day week as we do, and not the seven-day cycle as Greeks and Easterners do. - G. Sulpicius Peticus] Outside is the rosy-cheeked light of early dawn, but I sit here in the reception hall antechamber behind shuttered windows, in near darkness with a lamp beside me. Soon the sun will rise high in the morning sky, and with it will rise two more armies of the Tarquiniensis. I tossed and turned fitfully throughout the night, finally giving up on sleep perhaps an hour ago. I stirred from my bed and came back out here, opened the chest, and sat gazing once more on something I thought I would never see again. I thought I would spend a moment alone with it. On campaign, I doubt I will have the luxury of solitude. But perhaps we're never alone. The gallery of wax faces staring down on me seem proof to this.

    The frontacs consulted the brontoscopic calendar to interpret the sign of the bolt striking this house. On the 25th day of Caelius, the day lightning pierced through the atrium and released the chariot from its chest; it says that "...out of civil unrest a tyrant shall rise, and shall be undone, and the powerful will be destroyed utterly and shall suffer justice." The frontacs say this means the downfall of Brennus and the Senones. I hope they're right.

    I thought this chariot ended up in Roman hands when my father fell at Veii. But if my mother had it all this time, why did she not give it to me, as his will had dictated? It seems that after father's death when mother moved back here to her family's home, she took it with her and re-dedicated it to the ancestral Lars. I'm furious. It was not her's to deny me. Or, failing that, she could have entombed it with my father, as tradition allows. I would have been sad, but would not have protested. Like Egyptians, so attached do we Etrusci become to our chariots that we take them with us into the after-life. Or at least we used to, in the time of our grandfathers. It has gone out of fashion with us Etrusci, though not with the Gauls, ironically. The learned the ritual of chariot burial from us, just as they learned the art of chariotry itself. We took their land from them by the reins and draught pole, and now they seek to repay us by the same scales. How thoughtful of them. But that's a non-sequitur. Focus, Avle. In any event, my mother's actions defy both reason and duty. I was going to reassemble it, but once again my mutinous wrist began to throb. So I'm packing it up, and it will come with me in my train. Perhaps it will bring me luck.

    We have a rare break in the weather. We've made camp outside the city, and I'll be sending this letter then. It should not take more than a week to reach you. I'm apprehensive, Ramtha. We are not at full muster, but like a grazing animal, we'll recruit along the way. We're more of an acting troupe than an army. No city guard, or heavy hoplites. They would take too long to march here. All we have are what could be assembled in time. I've sent ahead to contract mercenary cavalry in Velusna. It's not enough, but after hearing the tale of Sarsina, my conscience will not sleep until we are on the march. The Sarsinan messenger I mentioned before has now sworn allegiance to our house. His name is Cneve Tetnies. He rides fast, knows the mind of Brennus, was able to track Gallic troops and observe my own on without being noticed, and best of all---he cheats at gambling. I believe he will make a perfect sica. He also has an unmemorable face, as all who work in the shadows must.

    Velthur arrived last night. He sends his love. By that I mean he asked why you can't talk any sense into me. That was the hope of our union, that your famed virtue would temper my imprudence. He thinks our enterprise a bit mad, and he's not entirely wrong. Why didn't you tell me he was bringing my nephew along? Young Marce is stopping by and riding with us on his way to his satelles to his father. He's barely of age and yet already marching to war. No sooner had Marce arrived did Velthur and I immediately proceed into a row. Writing in his wax tablet, Velthur said I had stolen his last years of peace, recounting the long history of his long service and how it entitled him to respite. He prattled on so long I began to think he missed his calling as an annalist.

    After the war between the houses, he had wanted nothing more than to turn his back on politics for all the grief it had caused him and his family. And when Metru had died, he thought his obligation of holding the zilathship in alternating years was over. Unfortunately for Velthur, he had gained such respect for his fairness that our family asked him to remain, until his stroke last year. Despite Velthur's grudge against the Spurinnae, he had shown total impartiality and was a model statesman. Arnth and I became apprentices to the old ox. I owe him much.

    Arnth has not written since departing Aritim. No one has seen him. But if I let myself worry, I'll never stop. They say trouble comes in threes, and for me it did: I met North Wind, Arnth, and the Kingsblood Quadriga all on the same day. How it was that the peace was restored, enabling my father to finally come for me, I would only learn later. I know you've heard bits and pieces of this, much of it considered rumor and hearsay, so here is the full truth: During the Festival of Tin, my father and mother were making their way to the forum for the opening sacrifices, when a crowd of Velcha supporters had gathered around them and began chanting. As expected, their supporters clashed. Arnth's father tried to step in, as it was blasphemy to shed blood during the festival, and he was accidentally stabbed by his own supporters. I didn't think it odd at the time, but this happened the morning after I had made my prayer to the mask of Tarquin the Proud. In any event, soon after the Velcha patriarch's murder, Metru shocked everyone by arriving at the Velcha house, unaccompanied by bodyguards. In his hands, he carried a purse filled with gold: Charun's fare, the blood price. My father had taken responsibility for causing his rival's death. He knew how badly the Velchae needed the money too. The feud had left them impoverished. Over the next few days, together the two families hashed out an agreement to put an end the violence: They would share political power between them. In addition, Metru would bring Arnth into their family, and the following year Metru would marry him to his daughter and provide a substantial dowry.

    Arnth was a scrawny boy when I first laid eyes on him, his frame without a trace of baby fat, yet his eyes sad. As father introduced us, we each began with a lie, saying we were happy to meet one another. Did you know that while I spent my exile in Cisra, he was raised the entire time in war, raised to carry the feud into the next generation if possible? He had held a spear and axe in hand before all my teeth came in. All the blood, all the violence in the street that I was spared...he saw it up close and was told every death he would be called on to avenge one day. After introductions were over, I took North Wind by the bit and all of us walked up toward the road. I kept glancing over at North Wind with pride. I looked back at the Tarquin estate. And for the first time, I realized I was going to miss it. I would never fish with my hands in that stream. I saw Gnaeus in the distance. He was no longer smirking. He no longer wore the sword. Soon he would go back to Rome, his work here done, and he would take his place there. He's a senator now, and a powerful one. When I returned my eyes to the road ahead, that's when I saw the Kingsblood Quadriga for the first time. I felt I had seen it before. Isn't that strange? North Wind would not get near it but suddenly began rearing up and whinnying, pulling at the bridle. I struggled to keep him under control.

    “Don't show fear." I heard a voice say. "Fear cannot cast out fear." I looked over and saw Arnth looked at me with his sad eyes. I was about to protest that I was only afraid because North Wind was afraid. But those eyes stopped me. Arnth dismounted and approached North Wind and me, and warned me to release him from his bit before I was pulled under and trampled. He spoke with an authority uncommon for his age. North Wind still bucked and struggled, still staring at the chariot. "Good. Now turn his head away from the source of his disturbance and have him look at you. Show him your hands." I felt silly for obeying, but I complied. "Good. Now stroke him on his neck with your free hand. Then with your other hand gently tap a melody on the other side of his neck. Pick a song with a Lydian mode." I asked him why. Arnth replied that the horse will wonder the same thing: "Now you've given him something else to occupy his mind."

    It worked. Now I had two more reasons to dislike this new boy. He was better with horses than I, and he helped someone he clearly disliked, which meant he was far more honorable than I was. As we rode home, I watched father in his chariot in front of me. It captivated me. I whispered in North Wind's ear, “One day it will be mine. And you will pull it. And on that day, you will fear nothing.”

    I'll have to end the story there. The army is now assembling outside the house, and so this letter must come to a close. A moment ago, Velthur came in and said the troops would expect to be addressed. It was customary for a word from their commander. I've been zilath for all but five months. I've been a husband barely a year. I've been a general for all of an hour. And so I gave the best speech I could. I told them if they wanted a word from their commander, I would give them one: 'Rasnele.' This word, taught to me by my father, led him to ride to Veii when all other Etrusci cities turned their backs. This word led my brother to where he is now, outnumbered and behind enemy lines, fighting for his life. He rode out not merely for his own family or city, but for all the children of Tarchon. This word, Rasnele, will never be forgotten by the Tarquiniensis, nor anyone who stands at their side. This word will be the harness, yoke, and draft pole that binds our people together. This word will bring them home.

    I don't know how it was received. They were silent, either deep in thought or confusion. Whichever it is, I suppose I will find out soon enough.

    And now I'm leaving this horrid house a second time, wondering if I will ever see it again, wondering if you will despise me for leaving you in this, the spring of our marriage, wondering if I will have made you both bride and widow within the same year. But I don't think that's my fate. This long letter has clarified something in my mind. If we are the last generation, as you and Arnth think so, then it is our actions in this brief hour that will matter more than any of our people who lived before. This will be the final word on our civilization. So I will mark it down — all of it. I will let no detail escape my notice. I will record everything I see, every mistake I make. This may be the most important thing I have ever done or will ever do.

    I can feel eyes unsleeping peering back upon me. But I cannot speak to them. My heart is no window to anonymous futurity. When I loose the caged birds of my speech, and release them to the four quadrants of the sky...they all fly to you. It is either you or the cage. There is no other choice. Only the thought of you can overcome my feeble wrist to move my reed across the linen, but in writing to you, my voice might carry further. Vouchsafe these letters. Have copies made and secure them at the house of Veltha, so that they will know that this is the oarth-sworn truth affirmed before the gods. I am also including the last letter I received from Arnth and will send you any more that prove relevant.

    This will be my testament. Let it not die childless.

    Rasnele, my love.

    Last edited by Skotos of Sinope; February 07, 2019 at 06:00 PM.

  2. #62

    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated December 4, 2018]

    A great update, with only a few very minor edits (really, just typos, as far as I can tell).

    Since there are so few I'll leave them here without a contentbox.

    In the first paragraph: "Wanting a moment alone, I rose early, or perhaps I never slept at all. But perhaps we'vere never alone, as the wax faces staring down at me taunt me."
    Third paragraph: "It's not enough, but after hearing the tale of Sarsina, my consciousconscience will not sleep until we are to on march."
    The first paragraph about Arnth: "That's right Ramtha, iIt was Charon's fare he carried." [The "that's right" seems somewhat off to me here, for some reason. It's just a feeling though, so take or leave it as you deem best.]
    Right before the end: "this is the oarth-sworn truth affirmed before the gods.. I am also including you the last letter I received from Arnth, and will send you any more that will be relevant."

    That is honestly all I could find. This is a really good update, and a good way to conclude this longer letter that sets the stage for the campaign. I also think your periodic use of Ramtha's name is helpful here. It kept me more connected to the idea that this is indeed a letter with a specific recipient written for a specific purpose (which is also well spelled out at the end). These little details are crucial for keeping the reader in the mode of letters, and they also keep it really interesting and personal. There were also a couple really cool and unexpected phrases and details (as there always seem to be with you ) which were quite cool. The thing about the Lydian mode I found to be particularly interesting, especially Arnth's response about it. Those things are small and they fly by quickly, but they make these people seem, well, like real people. They have little quirks and oddities that are usually left out of AAR writing, and it is one of the things that makes your work here stand out! Anyway, keep it up, and I'll keep a weather eye out for your next installment!
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  3. #63
    Alexander78's Avatar Campidoctor
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    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated December 4, 2018]

    Hi Skotos of Sinope. I read the published chapters and here's what I want to say. I'm impressed and I like your writing style. I think I'll visit more often this thread.
    Cheers.

  4. #64
    Skotos of Sinope's Avatar Macstre Gaposal
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    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated December 4, 2018]

    Quote Originally Posted by Alexander78 View Post
    Hi Skotos of Sinope. I read the published chapters and here's what I want to say. I'm impressed and I like your writing style. I think I'll visit more often this thread.
    Cheers.
    Hey thanks, man. I appreciate that. And if I may return some of the admiration you've thrown my way, I'm quite the fan of your screen caps. ;-)

    Quote Originally Posted by Kilo11 View Post
    A great update, with only a few very minor edits (really, just typos, as far as I can tell).

    Since there are so few I'll leave them here without a contentbox.

    <snip>
    I don't know what you're talking about. You won't find any typos that amateurish in that post! Oh wait, I just remembered that posts show when they've been edited.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kilo11 View Post
    That is honestly all I could find. This is a really good update, and a good way to conclude this longer letter that sets the stage for the campaign. I also think your periodic use of Ramtha's name is helpful here. It kept me more connected to the idea that this is indeed a letter with a specific recipient written for a specific purpose (which is also well spelled out at the end). These little details are crucial for keeping the reader in the mode of letters, and they also keep it really interesting and personal. There were also a couple really cool and unexpected phrases and details (as there always seem to be with you ) which were quite cool. The thing about the Lydian mode I found to be particularly interesting, especially Arnth's response about it. Those things are small and they fly by quickly, but they make these people seem, well, like real people. They have little quirks and oddities that are usually left out of AAR writing, and it is one of the things that makes your work here stand out! Anyway, keep it up, and I'll keep a weather eye out for your next installment!
    Gosh, it's almost like I had an editor this time around. Yeah, I'm really paying attention to not breaking the format now. The interesting thing about Arnth, is here is a guy who has a real sadness and empathy to him. He's a Byronic hero, typified by that line in one of Byron's early poems:

    As the last of my race, I must wither alone,
    And delight but in days, I have witness'd before

    He's traumatized, and mourns for a youth he never really had, for an era he never lived in. In our modern times he would probably be diagnosed as clinically depressed. And so you see his heart go out to a little girl who will probably end up in slavery, as in 'City of Chimeras' or see a horse whose afraid and know how to calm it. Arnth and Avle are opposites in this way. Arnth is fatalistic, but Avle has a joie de vivre. That's why when you first see Arnth in a screen cap, it's under a gloomy, stormy sky. But every time you see Avle, the sun is always shining on him. They each represent one aspect of Etruscan civilization in these last days. D.H. Lawrence saw the Etruscans as the 'lovers of life' compared to the puritanical Romans, yet during this period we also see a growing resignation, an obsession with death and darker themes in their art.

    In any event, there's going to be a small holiday break of a couple of weeks as I do some revisions of chapter three, make a map, and get caught up in reading. There are so many AAR's that I've missed out on. I also want to express my gratitude to anyone who kept reading thus far. We're now past the setup stage. Things are about to get real.

    And with that, a preview of what you can look forward to. A spoilerific moment from chapter five...

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Last edited by Skotos of Sinope; December 06, 2018 at 01:22 PM.

  5. #65

    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated December 4, 2018]

    You said you need to make a map... Is that perhaps something I could help with? I have been thinking about making a more "artsy" map of some region, and if you call in the next 20 minutes, that region could be yours! But seriously, just let me know. I could at least get the base of it done for you.
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  6. #66
    Cookiegod's Avatar CIVUS DIVUS EX CLIBANO
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    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated December 4, 2018]

    Apologies for my belatedness. I have some exceptionally busy weeks, and several nights I didn’t get any sleep due to the project I’m working on, and I had to find the right moments where I not only had the time but also the energy and the motivation to read.
    That being said: I’m very happy that I finally got around to reading your story, it’s been a joy to read it in the mornings to a cup of coffee or three.
    Basically if Peticus was real and still needed to clear his head today I’d recommend your story.

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    I can also see why Kilo recommended you to contact me, our stories share several traits and we also seem to focus on the same things. We both start the same way, with the end and the story itself being narrated; in your case, mainly through the deciphered letters, in mine, through one man telling the other. The old lady and the consul have a function very similar to that of the old man and the priest in my case. You have done your characters well, and though I don’t know much about them, I and probably most readers got quite deeply invested in them. And because we care about them, that makes us care about what happened to them that made them end up where they are.

    They both have a past that has shaped them and we really want to know what it is. What did Avle do that made such a great impression on the Etruscans and the Romans? What caused his dramatic fall? Did the consul fight the Etruscans in his youth? What is causing him to act the way he does?
    I also loved your numerous nods to history, such as the chimera, that make the world you are building so much richer. You did it well so far, they were placed perfectly and thus did not come off as forced.
    The most significant information that every reader gets from your prologue is an implicit one: The story to come has consequences. We see some of them in the characters of the prologue; decades after the events came to pass.
    One of the paths to not accomplishing anything is wanting too much and not being able to sacrifice one thing for the other. It seems so far that you’ve been good at avoiding that peril.
    Obviously everything we do comes with trade-offs. As you correctly noted in my thread, we both struggle with our beginnings. It’s due to two things: Both of our story seem more character- than plotdriven, which automatically slows the start down significantly, and we both have a rather complex narration that automatically makes for a slower start but can also result in a much higher reward. I can’t recommend you anything to speed this up, especially given that I’m struggling the same way you do. The same measures to limit the exposition which I’m employing extensively I see also done in your story.
    Everything in your story so far seems to have a purpose, your titles catch our interest and are reflected in the texts below (“the tallest poppies” being my favourite title because of the dark turn: “…are the first to be cut down”).
    You are also doing control of information a lot, which I also like, and the amount of redundant information is being kept to a minimum. You are leaving the reader with some open questions, which I also like. Those ensure the reader keeps his interest. Control of information might perhaps be the only thing you should maybe emphasize more, but not necessarily, as the accompanying ambience and such minor storylines as the broken wrist are doing a wonderful job.
    Your chapters/parts also have an internal structure and are dealing with one major issue at a time. Every part thus serves a purpose, and often with a clear ending.
    I see the purpose, structure and control of information, title, pacing all best exemplified in chapter one.
    Main storyline: Avle explains to us in the beginning he’s dealing with a dilemma. What is his oath? We do not know, but we look forward to finding out. At the very end he informs us he’s decided to break his oath to save his brother.
    Secondary story: We’re informed in a perfect way about his wrist, and are wondering how that came to be. At the end we find why, and this also feeds back to the main story, as that accident helped him make his decision. The same wrist is also used for continuation in part 3, which makes it just perfect.
    You are also avoiding expositions, which is also the same choice I made, and are providing the information along the way; which again is a good way of doing all of this, and you are doing this in a rather elegant way that simultaneously adds to the ambience and enriches our understanding of the ancient world.
    This is perhaps another thing you could emphasize more on and build more on.

    Which is where I’d come to my first criticism: Dramatis personae in the introduction.
    I’m not a huge fan of those. Even though they aren’t part of the text itself, they do make for some sort of exposition and prolong the text. The persons are hard to remember from the original post down to where they are introduced, and it informs us maybe of a bit too much in a bit too blunt way. So now for instance we already know Brennus is the main antagonist in Book 1. I’d rather infer that from the text alone, as he’d be built up accordingly to a menace. Which you do later on.
    The first chapter on the other hand could use the same kind of recap as the others, mainly because I’d already forgotten who Arnth was by the time I was reading chapter 1.
    We were informed about him in the original post amongst 9 other characters, so I probably forgot about him as soon as I read about the next character.
    Additionally I’d recommend to maybe employ the measures you already have at your disposal more. How about having Peticus ask himself who Arnth was, or having to ask one of his aides. Doesn’t have to be long, doesn’t have to be much (“ah yeah, that one!”), and’d do better at reminding us that there’s an additional storyline 50 years later. In short: Recaps very good. Dramatis personae in the intro not my thing.


    Structure:
    I’d recommend you’d call your chapters letters instead, since that’s what they are (e.g. letter one, letter two, letter three part one, two & three), and also since that's very befitting of the antiquity. You can put the writer and the addressed in a subtitle (e.g. Avle to Ramthe). You can also consider putting Peticus stuff (which so far has only been in chapter one) before the title, and, whenever needed, after the letter. That could help you keep both storylines rolling simultaneously whilst also keeping them distinct. It’d also help to make the breaks between the part 1-4 of the same letter in chapter three more natural if you explained that with e.g. Peticus taking a break or something similar.

    You should keep the Peticus storyline rolling as well. A little bit. Not much necessarily, just to remind us that he's still there.

    Next criticism: Language and style are a bit too perfect.
    One: The style doesn’t perfectly fit a letter being translated by someone who isn’t fluent in Etruscan, especially not when those letters are probably in decay. You can use Peticus deciphering as a story device, and also have some holes in the story, where he can’t read what’s been written or doesn’t understand the words and maybe him asking his aides.
    Two: In chapter two Arnth is writing with a bit too much pathos to my taste.
    Three: In the prologue with the old woman and the consul conversing you inform us both talk to the other in the language of the other, and broken. You don’t see any of that in the following discourse, as both are answering with complex sentences and words. Also, it wouldn’t necessarily make sense: Greek was the language of the upper class in Rome. It might have happened later when the Romans started conquering much of Magna Graecia and got all those Greek slaves, but Peticus at least is already well-versed in it. The Etruscans likewise had a lot of contacts with the Greeks. Both trade wise and also in war. Dionysios raided the Etruscans, and founded numerous colonies near the Etruscans that remain important to this day.
    The first two coincide with what you are writing here:
    I'm still struggling to balance writing the style of writing prose fiction and writing correspondence. Part of this is that I assume readers will want a more conventional narrative flow, but the feedback I've been getting seems to indicate otherwise. I generally agree that I need to “commit to the bit” as they say. If I've determined to write this story in a letter format, it has to read like a letter.
    Thankfully, you have already given yourself the means to switch between narrative styles whenever you like. Peticus doesn’t have to get every detail from this archive. He could also get some from various people orally, or some other documents.
    But I wouldn’t change that much about the letters themselves. I like the prose (maybe tone it down a tiny little bit but not much) and as to how much you need to commit still comes down to personal taste. I generally agree that you should commit a tad more, but that obviously comes with sacrifice. Doing it too realistically could ruin the story.

    Next criticism: As you wrote to me, the kingsblood quadriga is supposed to be a bit of a McGuffin of the story. I’m not sure yet as to why. I also have the impression that your focus changed a bit away from the chariot to the man whilst you were writing it. I might be wrong but kingsblood quadriga might be the title of the story you initially envisioned. It doesn’t matter much, but so far this quadriga (or rather, its name) is the only thing that doesn’t have a purpose so far. Though I wouldn’t say that’s a bad thing because I don't know what you've planned out for it.
    To be a bit knitpicky: I can understand the name sounds good in English, but composite words are a very Germanic thing. Romans didn’t have that, and Etruscans probably neither (it’d be quadriga sanguinis regis or something like that – Quadriga of the blood of the kings), which wouldn’t make for a name that rolls readily of ones tongue. But then again, latin never does.
    It’s not much of an issue, I just wanted to point that out, given your interest in linguistics, and because I had to think about that when I read about Peticus repeating the name of that cart repeatedly. I also didn’t get why he’d care so much about the name if he didn’t even know what that cart was… There’s a contradiction between a terrible weapon everyone is rumouring about and simultaneously no one talking about what that weapon is, and also between this chariot being unknown and simultaneously having so much emphasis on the name, which led to my suspicion that you originally envisioned it as the title of your story. I can’t recommend you precisely what to do, nor do you have to, but if you were to put a gun to my head, I’d recommend to add either more mystery to the name or remove a bit of the emphasis from it. A name is best when it’s earned.
    Also regarding linguistics, which we talked about:
    For all intents and purposes it’d be wholly legitimate for you to act as if Etruscan is indo-European, for a multitude of reasons. It is a valid theory anyway, as you pointed out yourself, and operating under that assumption would likely make things a bit easier for you.
    Minor criticism: “Say hello to Arnth” is a bit too modern. You might want to replace it with: “This is Arnth”

    How is everyone feeling about the length of posts as they are now? How do you feel about the amount of pics for a battle scene? I wanted to get in a trial run of a 'battle post' before I got to some important ones coming up, so any feedback will be appreciated on that. (Although future battles will be broken up over multiple posts, so they will come in shorter than this.)
    I’m not much of a sucker for battle scenes, but I liked this one. The length was appropriate. Action scenes can be irritating when the outcome is predictable and the changes caused by them benign, but this one here had its purposes. Especially the intro of Brennus was slick!
    I’d focus more on personal experiences and less on godlike eagle eyed omniscient portrayal, which is the only thing that might have been a bit faulty here:
    It was barricaded and garrisoned only by watchmen with horns. We found their horns later. We never found the watchmen.
    Followed by this:
    This is when I must've passed out. I awoke in darkness feeling someone take my greaves off me. I must have been concealed beneath a pile of the dead. That's the only reason I survived. […] I laid in the stink and sick for the rest of the day. When night came, I stole a horse and made my way here.
    How does this guy know so much and when exactly did they have the opportunity to search for the watchmen?

    But bottom line is: I like your story a lot.

    Your pictures are awesome btw. I can’t say much else about them. Is there a specific reason for the black bars above and beneath it?

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    From Socrates over Jesus to me it has always been the lot of any true visionary to be rejected by the reactionary bourgeoisie
    Qualis noncives pereo! #justiceforcookie #egalitéfraternitécookié #CLM

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    Skotos of Sinope's Avatar Macstre Gaposal
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    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated December 4, 2018]

    Many thanks CG. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't both immensely looking forward to, and slightly nervous about, your critique. You understand story structure a lot, have a great grasp of history, and can write better in English than most native speakers. I knew that if you had the time, I was going to get some real great feedback. And I did. I'll follow you in putting this under spoiler tags, as I think a lot of this will bore non-language geeks to tears.


    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 


    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    I can also see why Kilo recommended you to contact me, our stories share several traits and we also seem to focus on the same things. We both start the same way, with the end and the story itself being narrated; in your case, mainly through the deciphered letters, in mine, through one man telling the other. The old lady and the consul have a function very similar to that of the old man and the priest in my case. You have done your characters well, and though I don’t know much about them, I and probably most readers got quite deeply invested in them. And because we care about them, that makes us care about what happened to them that made them end up where they are.
    Yeah, agreed on those similarities. I cringe a bit because if I had read your AAR earlier, I probably would have made an effort not to retread what was already done right the first time. I'm flattered by the comparison and I wonder if some of it comes down to us both being Umberto Eco fans. Although some of those similarities will be changing when I revise. Frankly, the 'child hostage' scenario that both main characters find themselves in makes far more sense in your story and is better set up. It will be toned down a bit in my AAR in revision.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    Which is where I’d come to my*first criticism: Dramatis personae in the introduction.
    I’m not a huge fan of those. Even though they aren’t part of the text itself, they do make for some sort of exposition and prolong the text.
    The DP in the intro is there for reference. It might be too much information up front. Maybe I should put a notice saying so. I don't want anyone to think they have to memorize who's who before beginning the story. And yeah, I've decided that chapter one needs a recap. As far as structure goes, retitling the chapters as letters, let me think about that. It makes sense, but it might be a little late in the game for me to do that. I don't want to confuse anyone who's already reading. And that's a good point about using Peticus more proactively, to remind readers of something they may have forgotten like who Arnth is. I like that. I will come back to Peticus. We'll return to “the present” during act breaks, to digest what has come thus far and also so that we don't forget about him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    Next criticism: Language and style are a bit too perfect.
    One: The style doesn’t perfectly fit a letter being translated by someone who isn’t fluent in Etruscan, especially not when those letters are probably in decay. You can use Peticus deciphering as a story device, and also have some holes in the story, where he can’t read what’s been written or doesn’t understand the words and maybe him asking his aides.
    You're right, the language is a little too perfect, but Peticus is polishing it up a bit as he goes. Even when he doesn't completely understand, he'll guess and then have it flow nicely in his native tongue. I mean, I've translated passages from Aeschylus which were HILARIOUSLY wrong, but yet they still sounded nice in English. I think on some level I shouldn't take the documentarian approach too far. I just don't think prose that reads like it's been bounced through Google translate a couple of times would be a very pleasant experience. But definitely there will be holes in the story, letters referenced but not included, pages missing, etc. I wanted to start off with it being fairly complete and easy to follow though since, as I'll mention below, I'm asking a lot of the audience already.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    Three: In the prologue with the old woman and the consul conversing you inform us both talk to the other in the language of the other, and broken. You don’t see any of that in the following discourse, as both are answering with complex sentences and words. Also, it wouldn’t necessarily make sense: Greek was the language of the upper class in Rome. It might have happened later when the Romans started conquering much of Magna Graecia and got all those Greek slaves, but Peticus at least is already well-versed in it. The Etruscans likewise had a lot of contacts with the Greeks. Both trade wise and also in war. Dionysios raided the Etruscans, and founded numerous colonies near the Etruscans that remain important to this day.
    I knew someone was going to ask why they weren't speaking Greek in the prologue. And of course it would be you. Simple answer: originally in the first draft they were speaking Greek, and that would make more sense. I changed it at the last minute because most people don't know that Greek was the language of the aristocracy among Romans---and other peoples of Italy---and I was already making demands on the reader. (How many people on the street would know that Caesar's famous last words weren't “Et tu, Brute?”, but “kai su, techne?”?) So I concede the point. In that situation of two educated people from different cultures meeting, they would have tried Greek first. Yet at the same time, I justify it thus: I see trying to speak another's language, rather than a lingua franca, as an extra sign of respect. So for Peticus, that's him going the extra mile of courtesy, and Ramtha repaying him in kind. Also, since at least the regal period, the Roman aristocracy was educated at Cisra where they would have spoken Etruscan.

    Greek was certainly the language of civilization and it's doubtful any Roman of breeding wouldn't have had at least a rudimentary grasp of it. In my understanding (which could be incorrect), Greek did not entirely displace Etruscan as the dominant language of the Roman aristocracy until the Pyrrhic wars where the number of educated slaves brought back made a Greek education all-pervasive. Until then Greek was rather something they could switch to if neither knew the other's language. But I could be wrong. And yes, I am aware of Dionysus. He's a character in the flashback in chapter three where they're all speaking...Greek. So yeah, I agree with you and going forward, pretty much in most situations, interactions with non-Etruscans will be assumed to be in Greek.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    Next criticism: As you wrote to me, the kingsblood quadriga is supposed to be a bit of a McGuffin of the story. I’m not sure yet as to why. I also have the impression that your focus changed a bit away from the chariot to the man whilst you were writing it. I might be wrong but kingsblood quadriga might be the title of the story you initially envisioned. It doesn’t matter much, but so far this quadriga (or rather, its name) is the only thing that doesn’t have a purpose so far. Though I wouldn’t say that’s a bad thing because I don't know what you've planned out for it.
    I don't feel like my focus had shifted. I'm following the outline I made, even if it's grown in the telling. The history of the chariot is the history of the man. Now, if the Kingsblood Quadriga doesn't seem important yet, then it's possible I made the breadcrumbs too hard to see. They're there. At least by the half way point of book one, and certainly by the end, you'll see. But I'm kind of trying it pull off a high-wire act here, balancing keeping something mysterious and showing how important something is. It's possible I'm getting it wrong.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    To be a bit knitpicky: I can understand the name sounds good in English, but composite words are a very Germanic thing. Romans didn’t have that, and Etruscans probably neither (it’d be quadriga sanguinis regis or something like that – Quadriga of the blood of the kings), which wouldn’t make for a name that rolls readily of ones tongue. But then again, latin never does.
    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    For all intents and purposes it’d be wholly legitimate for you to act as if Etruscan is indo-European, for a multitude of reasons. It is a valid theory anyway, as you pointed out yourself, and operating under that assumption would likely make things a bit easier for you.

    I'm still struggling with whether to give in to the dark side and treat it entirely as Indo-European. It's equally likely, but still the “language isolate” theory seems to still be the teacher's pet. They're not entirely mutually exclusive, and the evidence is moving in the right direction. Last I heard there was something like 40% IE loanwords or roots in Etruscan, and the rest is who-knows-what. My instinct is that the Anatolian origin just feels right, which would mean it's heavily IE. Genetics seems to hint at that. And I just love the idea of Etruscans speaking a dialect similar to Luwian, as that theory goes, giving them a connection to ancient Troy. Which brings me to your point about composite words. Luwian has composite words. King Priam's name, Priimuua, is thought to be a compound of two words meaning “exceptionally courageous”.) Etruscan did have some, as did the afore mentioned Ancient Greek. In fact, most Etruscan compounds that I've found are probably loan words from Greek. (melecrapisce or 'song-writer', hilarthuna: 'joy-bringer') We know that proper names which were compounds of two words in the genitive case did in fact exist in the Etruscan language. For example: Thanaquil (Who is mentioned in the story accompanying Tarquin the Elder to Rome) means “gift of Thana”, and it's a compound of the god's name “Thana” and 'cviul', meaning 'gift/offering'. So, the phrase “blood of kings” could follow that same pattern and would indeed be something like “kingsblood”. That said, 'Kingsblood Quadriga' was never meant to be a direct translation that follows the Etruscan language grammatical structure (I frankly don't even think they would have a word for “quadriga”) but something that just sounds cool.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    I also didn’t get why he’d care so much about the name if he didn’t even know what that cart was… There’s a contradiction between a terrible weapon everyone is rumouring about and simultaneously no one talking about what that weapon is, and also between this chariot being unknown and simultaneously having so much emphasis on the name, which led to my suspicion that you originally envisioned it as the title of your story.*
    Peticus knows what the Kingsblood Quadriga is, but he can't be sure that THIS chariot is the Kingsblood Quadriga. So I'd analogize it as this: An Israeli soldier is clearing a tunnel near the temple mount in east Jerusalem where he's been told there's a cache of weapons, and one really bad weapon in particular. Instead, all he finds is an ancient ring. He talks to an old cleric who kept the relic in trust, who tells him that it's Solomon's ring, a relic which his religion says has been wielded by many throughout history, which has a terrible power, and that 'The Beast of the Earth' will one day use to stamp the foreheads of the unbelievers. This soldier is familiar with the ring, because the ring figures in both of their religions, but that doesn't mean he can accept the story at face value. So he goes and researches the documents that supposedly prove its authenticity. In those documents he learns the story of the last man to wear the supposedly cursed ring, and the fate that befell him. That's akin to what's going on with Peticus.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    Your pictures are awesome btw. I can’t say much else about them. Is there a specific reason for the black bars above and beneath it?
    The black bars above and below the pics come from GEM and appear when the shot has a cinematic aspect ratio. In my experiments, it looked strange when I kept the ratio but cropped out the bars. They serve no other purpose other than I like them.


    Anyway, I really want to thank you for taking the time to give your thoughts. Like I said, you know what you're talking about, so I do take these criticisms to heart. Cheers.

    EDIT: D'oh! Missed this.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kilo11 View Post
    You said you need to make a map... Is that perhaps something I could help with? I have been thinking about making a more "artsy" map of some region, and if you call in the next 20 minutes, that region could be yours! But seriously, just let me know. I could at least get the base of it done for you.
    Oh man. I snooze, I lose. Sorry k, I didn't see this. Anyway, you've already done the basis for it. I'm using the maps you sent and drawing over them. I think I have to hunker down and take it from there myself though, because I've decided this is the excuse I need to finally learn Adobe Illustrator. I've been paying the subscription every month and I think I need a project to jumpstart using it.
    Last edited by Skotos of Sinope; December 06, 2018 at 05:54 PM.

  8. #68
    Alwyn's Avatar Frothy Goodness
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    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated December 4, 2018]

    This is excellent writing, I especially like the cultural references (such as the length of the week and the references to traditions about burials), the description of our hero's troubles (including Arnth's upbringing and our hero's reaction to Arnth's care for North Wind). The line about being a zilath, a husband and a general, and the comments on the speech before battle, were well done, too.

  9. #69
    Skotos of Sinope's Avatar Macstre Gaposal
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    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated December 4, 2018]

    Quote Originally Posted by Alwyn View Post
    This is excellent writing, I especially like the cultural references (such as the length of the week and the references to traditions about burials), the description of our hero's troubles (including Arnth's upbringing and our hero's reaction to Arnth's care for North Wind). The line about being a zilath, a husband and a general, and the comments on the speech before battle, were well done, too.
    Coming from the winner of this year's AAR, the compliment is much appreciated. I also took what you said earlier to heart, and I wanted to make sure I was underscoring the urgency this time, that the longer Avle waits, the further into Etruria Brennus gets. Avle had stayed and recruited as long as his conscience would allow him to. Still, it's not an easy choice. By leaving now, Avle departs with a hastily assembled force of lightly-armored neophytes, led by an untested commander. Time will tell if it was the right call.
    Last edited by Skotos of Sinope; December 12, 2018 at 07:30 PM.

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    Jake Armitage's Avatar Artifex
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    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated December 4, 2018]

    Really good thread, here

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    Skotos of Sinope's Avatar Macstre Gaposal
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    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated December 4, 2018]

    Quote Originally Posted by Jake Armitage View Post
    Really good thread, here
    Whoah, it's Jake Armitage! Thanks, man! I'm following the progress of PIGS with great interest, and am a great admirer of your DeI work in general. And since it seems I'm going to be lending Ahiga a small hand with the DeI Rise of the Republic overhaul, maybe we'll find ourselves working together at some point in the future. (It also means at some point that this could transition into a DeI AAR.) Cheers!
    Last edited by Skotos of Sinope; December 20, 2018 at 11:16 AM.

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    Skotos of Sinope's Avatar Macstre Gaposal
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    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated December 4, 2018]

    Recap


    The Story So Far:
    Consul Gaius Sulpicius Peticus has defeated the Etruscans and captured Tarchuna, the jewel of Etruria and birthplace of the Roman kings. While searching for a cache of weapons at an ancient shrine, he discovers a strange relic that could be the Kingsblood Quadriga, the cursed chariot of Tarquin the Proud. In his investigation he has been reading the correspondence of Avle Spurinna, the chariot's last owner...

    Characters Featured:

    Gaius Sulpicius Peticus: Roman consul who conquered Tarchuna fifty years after the events of the story. Compiler of Avle's letters which form the basis for the AAR.








    Avle Spurinna: Main protagonist. Half-Roman Zilath (head of government) of Tarchuna. Descendent of the Roman kings on his mother's side and inheritor of the Kingsblood Quadriga. When we first meet him, he's an undisciplined drinker, gambler and chariot racer.








    Ramtha Spurinna: Wife of Avle.









    Brennus: Gallic king who invaded Etruscan territory and sacked Rome. The principal antagonist of book one.











    Interlude One



    In the Roman camp on the shore of the river Marta, a man cried out under the lash. He fell to his knees. The camp-prefect stayed his hand and looked to Gaius Sulpicius Peticus. Peticus knew that flogging a man was pointless. For an honorable man, it turns him docile and apathetic and ruins him as a soldier. For an insolent man, it only makes him more defiant. But the young recruit had defied his orders, and Peticus had no choice but to uphold his authority. He motioned to the camp-prefect to continue until the sentence had been carried out.

    Peticus had left a standing order that during looting, his soldiers were to leave government buildings and temples alone, and the camp's tesserarius had caught him during the night sneaking back into the camp with a bag over his shoulder. Inside was a treasure trove of loot from Tarchuna's methlum house. Just how hypocritical was he being by punishing a looter? When he took the chariot from the Fanum, he had himself disobeyed the order. He could hear that priestess's chastisement again. While he ordered this man to be flagellated, he had been flagellating himself for weeks. It was self-indulgent and effeminate, yet he could not seem to forgive himself. Gaius Peticus? Gaius Praedo was more like it. Gaius the robber.

    In his entire life, he had only once taken something that wasn't his. He was nine years old, in this memory he had buried for nearly forty years, stealing a gold necklace off of his dying mother. It was the necklace she had worn on her wedding day, all she had to remember their father. Seven months before, on the first day they arrived, they killed his father in the Senate house. The Senate died quickly. Everyone else would die slowly. Half a year into their attack on the city, Brennus and his Senones had taken every other point in the city, except for this, the Capitoline hill. She was sleeping then, as she spent most of the day, and her labored breathing was the only indication she was still alive. His mother's belly was distended, her eyes and cheeks sunken. She could no longer sit up, or move much. Periodically she would have convulsive seizures. She did not have the falling sickness. That was not the cause of the seizures. The physician said this is one of the final stages of starvation; it meant that her organs were shutting down. Sometimes she became delirious and would bite at her breasts and fingers. His father dead, he was the paterfamilias now, and it was his duty to distribute their food for the day to his brothers and sisters: one spoonful of olive oil. Every morning he offered some to his mother, and every morning she refused. She would not take a drop that could go to her children. He ran his fingers over the gold ringlets of the necklace. Soon it would be melted down into bars, and if they were lucky, it would be enough to pay the Gauls to leave their city. It would take days for all the gold in the city to be collected and brought to the forum. His mother was not expected to live that long.

    At that moment their dog, Lupa, wandered in through the open door. All the houses on the Capitoline Hill kept their doors open. The Gauls feared an open door more than a closed one. He had no idea why. Perhaps the fear of an ambush, perhaps some barbaric superstition. For the last few days, young Peticus had sent the dog out to hunt rats. Lupa was happy and licking her foreleg, which meant that the rodents were still plentiful in the city. As Peticus and his family were reduced to skin and bones, Lupa had been putting on weight. Not that there was an alternative. If Lupa were left in the house to starve with them, eventually her instincts would take over, and their mother would not be safe. But that wasn't the only reason. He called Lupa over and told her she was a good dog. Lupa licked his face. Young Peticus then turned to his brother and two sisters. "Lupa is for mother. Promise." They did. One of his sisters began to cry. Peticus scratched Lupa's ears, then pulled her tight by the scruff of her neck, and shoved a table knife deep into her throat. Later that evening after his mother woke, he had a broth prepared for her. Solid food would come soon after. He told her they had stoned six pigeons they had spotted on their rooftop. They had all feasted well, he said, and so should she. He later noted that she never once asked after their dog. Children's lies are never as clever as they think.

    She lived to see the Gauls leave. Yet one year later, she would see one invader replaced by another. When that army came, and it dawned on them that they had merely traded a Gallic horde for an Etrusci phalanx, Rome would not pay them in gold, but in steel.

    The camp-prefect relented, his duty done. The recruit's comrades wrapped a cloak around his shoulders and helped him to his feet. For a moment his eyes met Peticus' and burned with wrath. Gaius returned to his tent and examined the contents of the bag. The item that most attracted his attention was a miniature clay statue. It was of the kind that would have been used for casting bronze statues via the lost wax method. By the look of it, it had not been used in decades. Its arms were broken off, and it was in terrible condition. But it must have been a statue that was mass-produced. It was dedicated to the "fatel spurers esals sarsnau", the League of the Twelve Cities. One of several names for the Etruscan League. But what commanded his attention was the inscription on the bottom where he would expect the usual name of the owner:

    "mi spural/mi spurinnal"

    A bad pun, and a confusing one. "I am [property] of the state / I am of Spurinna." He wondered which it was. Did this belong to the government or the Spurinna family? Peticus whetted his thumb and rubbed away the rest of the grime on the pedestal. Beneath the "mi spurinnal" was more text. Reading the next few characters was difficult.

    “--zilath amce mexl rasnal...”

    Only a few had held that title in history. The closest Latin translation was "Praetor Etruriae." The holder of the title would have been elected dictator of all of Etruria during a time of war. And then it fell into place. Of course. Peticus must've been getting dense in his age. The casting statue didn't belong to the Spurinnae, it was a statue of a Spurinna. And only one Spurinna would have risen to that title. There must've been one sent to every methlum house in the Twelve Cities and beyond. So this was the face of the man whose life he had become a spectator. He was not physically impressive. Etrusci were somewhat shorter and stockier than Romans, despite representing themselves in their art according to the Greek ideal. But his face had a gravity he did not expect. He left his tent and went across the way to the tent that held the chariot, nodding at the two guards he had stationed there. Peticus had not found the will or marriage contract that attested to its provenance. He found himself too caught up in what he was reading. He placed the casting statue alongside it. There was an irony here. The rider was made out of clay, but according to Roman tradition, it was the chariot that was supposed to be made of clay.

    Like all legendary relics, there were be multiple claimants as to who owned the genuine article. The temple of Jupiter on the Capitoline Hill was supposed to hold the Kingsblood Quadriga. That was just another reason for his skepticism. Although no one he spoke to had ever seen the chariot in the temple of Jupiter, though the legend was well known. The variation on the myth that he heard of the Kingsblood Quadriga went like this:

    A sculptor had formed a miniature model of a chariot out of terracotta for a king and prayed to the gods to bless it with unearthly splendor. When he put it in the kiln, it swelled up to a full-sized chariot. A Veientine soothsayer said that, just as the chariot had swelled, so too would the possessor swell in power. The most popular version says that it was commissioned by Tarquin the Proud after his exile, intending to use it to regain the throne. (But that was at odds with other stories that had put it at least a century before, if not earlier.) Veii refused to give it up to him, and a race was held to determine who should possess it. The winner was Ratumena who raced for Veii, but when awarded the quadriga, he sped off for Rome and turned it over to us instead. There is no written proof for this. Roman records didn't survive Brennus's sack. But he remembered that in the three days after the Battle of Allia before the Gauls arrived, the Vestal Virgins had fled to Cisra along with the city's holy relics. After speaking to Ramtha, he wrote to the Vestal Virgins at Cisra and made an inquiry. They wrote back saying that according to their records, no chariot was among the relics they carried. It was only years after Rome was sacked that the chariot enters their archives, as well as the story that it was made out of terracotta. What to make of it all? His hunch was this: The chariot in their possession was, in fact, a clay replica of one that had been lost, a post hoc to explain why the king's chariot we possessed was made of painted terracotta and not wood, leather, and iron. No one seemed to believe the story which is why it is no longer displayed to the public. But among the records he had retrieved, was something that stopped him cold: The minutes of a parlay between Brennus and the Senate where he listed his demands for leaving. The first of which is a royal war chariot, but the wording seems vague. They said they didn't have what he was asking for, but they knew who had it. And they offered to pay him a parting gift if he wished to go get it.

    How it is that life comes full circle.

    If Brennus was looking for the Kingsblood Quadriga, was that the cause for him to turn his attention to Rome? He could not say. The sources all contradicted themselves. Still, the Gauls' ardor for chariot warfare was well known, and a chariot reputed to make an army invincible in battle would be a prize impossible to resist.

    There was only one way he would resolve the incongruity. Peticus returned to his tent, sat down at his desk, and taking up Avle's next letter he returned to nearly a decade before the sack of Rome:

    “Ramtha, my love. It has only been two days since breaking camp, and we have already suffered our first mass desertion...”


    Continue to Chapter Four, Part One...

    Author's Note


    I sometimes get requests for an author's note to explain some fact or another I've mentioned. I usually resist the urge since if I did, they would end up being just as long as the text itself. So the plan is to do an "author's notes" section at the end of each book. But in this rare instance, I felt the urge to share some of my research. The myth of Tarquin and the terra-cotta chariot is from Plutarch's Life of Publicola, which can be found in the link above.
    Last edited by Skotos of Sinope; January 11, 2019 at 05:55 PM.

  13. #73

    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated December 31, 2018]

    Nice update Skotos, and I'm glad to see some linkage with Peticus and your using the present to illuminate the past. You've also done a really good job giving allusions without giving away the whole thing, and I like that as well, as it makes me far more invested in the story to come. As usual, the comments are mostly small typographic or grammatic things, with two slightly more involved points. I'll drop them all in a contentbox below.

    Comments, suggestions

    Comments in the usual fashion:

    In the third paragraph, second sentence, I think a word is missing: "In his entire life, he had only once taken something that wasn't his. He was nine years old, in this memory he had buried for nearly forty years, stealing a gold necklace off of his dying mother."
    Same paragraph, toward the end: "Every morning she offered some to his mother, and every morning she refused."
    Paragraph about the dog: I get what this paragraph is doing, but something about it all seems off. Some of the tenses ring false (they might not be, but different formulations could improve the cadence of things) and the choice of diction doesn't gel with a lot of the other bits above and below, and in earlier installments. I'd just suggest having a look over it, and seeing if there are any things you'd like to change, or which you yourself could be improved (given that I don't have any solid ideas myself).
    Same paragraph, near the end: "Solid food would come .soonafter." I think the needed fix is clear.
    The paragraph about the pun: "Beneath the "mi spurinnal" was more text
    . Reading the next few characters was difficult." The line break before the period is an error, I assume. Just a minor fix needed there.
    Paragraph about relics: "Like all legendary relics, there werewould be multiple claimants as to who owned the genuine article."
    Next paragraph: "The most popular version sayssaid that it was commissioned by Tarquin the Proud, who would use it to end his exile and regain the throne. after his exile who wanted to use it to regain the throne. (But that was at odds overwith other stories that had it existentplaced it at least a century before, if not earlier.)"
    A few lines lower: "It was only years after Rome was sacked that the chariot enters their archives, as well as the story that it was made out of terracotta." Not sure about this suggestion, as the missing word is fairly crucial. Is "sacked" what got left out?
    Third to last paragraph: "The Gauls are known for their excellence in chariot warfare, and it would make sense that he sought the chariot reputed to make an army invincible in battle." In this sentence, and in the next comment, there is nothing wrong per se, but the tone and style is far more modern and simplistic than your usual stuff. If for not other reason, these two things could use some polish just to match them to your standard of writing, and also, I think your standard is way better anyway!
    Next paragraph: "There was only one way he was going to know the answer. And he had a lot of reading ahead of him to get there."


    Anyway, a good update, as always, and I'm excited to see more of these "looks back", with all of the hints and subtle maskings of tone that they can provide for the main story!
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  14. #74
    Skotos of Sinope's Avatar Macstre Gaposal
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    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated December 31, 2018]

    Typos fixed. A new source of frustration I'm now dealing with is a new proofreading app that generates one mistake for every three it alerts me to. For some reason, while I'm typing out a correction it then moves on to the next one without warning and I can't always find where I left off. So that's where all those missing words or extra periods, and formatting issues like extra line breaks come from. Agreed that the style was off in the third to last paragraph, and I think I improved it somewhat. (Was a bit rushed trying to get under the wire for the MAARC) I'm not sure I get what you mean about the fourth paragraph concerning the dog. I'm actually more proud of that bit than anything I've written since chapter two. It's not going to gel with all the other installments, because it's in a different voice and style, by design. Just as Ramtha's remembrance of Avle in part one of the prologue reads quite different in tone and style than Avle's or Arnth's letters. Likewise, it stands out from the rest of the post because you go from the point of view of a mature adult to a desperate child doing something terrible under hellish circumstances. To me, it would seem bizarre and a little psychopathic if the scene was told in as formal and clinical manner as, say, the parsing of grammar in an Etruscan inscription. You might have to be more specific about what's ringing false or where the cadence doesn't work. I'm not seeing it, but I could be too close to it to see it.
    Last edited by Skotos of Sinope; January 01, 2019 at 08:43 PM.

  15. #75
    Turkafinwë's Avatar The Sick Baby Jester
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    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated December 31, 2018]

    It was long due but I too have arrived at the party that is The Last Chariots of the Tarquins and boy is it a good one thusfar! Like all before me have said, doens't mean it's less true or less sincere, is that I really like your way of writing. From the smooth transition between past and future present, to the little paragraphs of Peticus and rich dialogues. This tale is filled with a great sadness and melancholy but also a sense of greatness and I absolutely love it! (I'm a real sucker for melancholic tales/songs/music just anything really)

    Suffice to say I shall keep following this AAR with anticipation!

    Great work thusfar Skotos!
    Last edited by Turkafinwë; January 13, 2019 at 03:20 PM. Reason: future? what was I thinking although for some of them it is the future but now I'm just trying to justify my mistake :grin

  16. #76

    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated December 31, 2018]

    Hmm, a proofreading app, you say? I generally stick to the old method, which is to say, I read it out loud to myself and make changes when I notice something horribly awry. It's not fool proof, but I find it less irritating overall, as the mistakes are mine and small, and not going to automatically hop in because of some program. Put in more crotchety language, "I ain't gonna let no machine tell me how to talk good!"

    Regarding the dog paragraph, I wouldn't worry about it. I just read it again, and it seems better to me now, and I like your more rich tone and style, so it might just have been me wanting more of my tastes fulfilled, but without having a real legitimate complaint to work with. So ignore my earlier comment.

    Oh, and don't hate me for pointing it out, but there is a new typo in that third to last paragraph. "Still, the Gauls' ardor for chariot warfare was well known, and a chariot..."


    @Turk: Welcome to the party pal (Die Hard reference; love it or leave it ). But in all seriousness, I'm glad you found your way over here! I've been mightily enjoying Skotos' tale, and I think he's still got a lot of kick left in him
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  17. #77
    Cookiegod's Avatar CIVUS DIVUS EX CLIBANO
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    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated December 31, 2018]

    Quote Originally Posted by Kilo11 View Post
    Oh, and don't hate me for pointing it out, but there is a new typo in that third to last paragraph. "Still, the Gauls' ardor for chariot warfare was well known, and a chariot..."
    Dammit Kilo, it's ardour! How could you miss that one?!

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    I take my cheap victories wherever I can get them.

    EDIT: Oh yeah, trolled so much I forgot to say something relevant. Here it is: Skotos, I liked it a lot. You wrote it well, and hit multiple birds with one sCone (Animal rights matter!).
    We got some background story on Peticus, which gives him some depth and relatability, and simultaneously you started building up Brennous as a threat. That gradual introduction is very good. You build up some suspense. I also think this might be the aspect you might be able improve upon, not because it's bad, but because this suspense potential is huge. IF there's some change useful then it's not so much related to him in this piece, but more with regards to pacing, so that you can escalate the threat levels at the exact right moments over the course of your story. Can't say if you're already doing that, since we don't know what's going to happen; I can only put this forward as something to keep in mind.
    Last edited by Cookiegod; January 02, 2019 at 11:13 AM.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    From Socrates over Jesus to me it has always been the lot of any true visionary to be rejected by the reactionary bourgeoisie
    Qualis noncives pereo! #justiceforcookie #egalitéfraternitécookié #CLM

  18. #78
    Skotos of Sinope's Avatar Macstre Gaposal
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    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated December 31, 2018]

    Quote Originally Posted by Kilo11 View Post

    Oh, and don't hate me for pointing it out, but there is a new typo in that third to last paragraph. "Still, the Gauls' ardor for chariot warfare was well known, and a chariot..."
    We at the Ministry of Truth have now wiped that typo from history!

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    Dammit Kilo, it's ardour! How could you miss that one?!
    God of Cookies, surely you realize by now that yanks like Kilo and I adhere to the American spelling, because we have the crazy idea that spelling should be phonetic in nature. (Except with herbs. We spell it with an 'h' but pronounce it without one. That one makes no sense.)

    According to both Merriam-Webster and the Oxford American Writer's Thesaurus, it's spelled ardor:

    https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ardor


    Quote Originally Posted by Kilo11 View Post
    Hmm, a proofreading app, you say? I generally stick to the old method, which is to say, I read it out loud to myself and make changes when I notice something horribly awry. It's not fool proof, but I find it less irritating overall, as the mistakes are mine and small, and not going to automatically hop in because of some program. Put in more crotchety language, "I ain't gonna let no machine tell me how to talk good!"
    That's not a bad idea. I could try reading it aloud. That'll have the added benefit of convincing the neighbors that I am insane, as I seemingly rave about Gauls invading our country and how they want to steal my magic chariot....

    Quote Originally Posted by Kilo11 View Post
    I like your more rich tone and style, so it might just have been me wanting more of my tastes fulfilled, but without having a real legitimate complaint to work with.
    No no. It's specifically that kind of feedback I appreciate. Luckily 99% of the time, your taste in style for what you want the AAR to be dovetails with exactly what I'm trying to achieve. Speaking of which, if you still have time, I'm going to be sending you the revised chapter three either today or tomorrow. If you think you didn't like the dog paragraph, wait til you read this. For me the style is the last thing I work on, and I want feedback while it's still raw. That way if there's anything major or structural to correct, I can do that early. (And yes, I will finish reading and proofreading your piece. I have to this week, because I'm going to be getting a lot busier starting a week from now.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Turkafinwë View Post
    This tale is filled with a great sadness and melancholy but also a sense of greatness and I absolutely love it! (I'm a real sucker for melancholic tales/songs/music just anything really)

    Suffice to say I shall keep following this AAR with anticipation!

    Great work thusfar Skotos!
    Whoah, Turk is here! Many thanks, man. And of course you're a sucker for melancholic tales, you're doing a LotR AAR. Speaking of which, I have subbed and have been reading To Earn a Kingdom, but I just felt I didn't have anything to add. Is that an a-hole thing to do? I'll try to return the favor here and post there.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    Here it is: Skotos, I liked it a lot. You wrote it well, and hit multiple birds with one sCone (Animal rights matter!).
    Indeed. I love that infographic, btw. Hilarious!

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    We got some background story on Peticus, which gives him some depth and relatability, and simultaneously you started building up Brennous as a threat. That gradual introduction is very good. You build up some suspense. I also think this might be the aspect you might be able improve upon, not because it's bad, but because this suspense potential is huge. IF there's some change useful then it's not so much related to him in this piece, but more with regards to pacing, so that you can escalate the threat levels at the exact right moments over the course of your story. Can't say if you're already doing that, since we don't know what's going to happen; I can only put this forward as something to keep in mind.
    Okay, so you're saying I should tamp down the suspense or be careful about escalating it? (Or that I should make sure I follow through?)

    BTW, you still up to look at the chapter three revision?

    For anyone else, don't worry about having to go back and re-read chapter three once I revise it. I'm just tidying things up generally, getting the posts to actually read like letters (an issue many have singled out), fixing continuity errors and a couple or historical inaccuracies, improving character development and also better setting the stage for things that will be followed through later.
    Last edited by Skotos of Sinope; January 02, 2019 at 04:23 PM.

  19. #79

    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated December 31, 2018]

    Quote Originally Posted by Skotos of Sinope View Post
    That's not a bad idea. I could try reading it aloud. That'll have the added benefit of convincing the neighbors that I am insane, as I seemingly rave about Gauls invading our country and how they want to steal my magic chariot....
    I would write "lol", but I feel that the massive over-use of that acronym has robbed it of its literal meaning, so to be clear, I did just literally laugh out loud on reading that!



    Quote Originally Posted by Skotos of Sinope View Post
    Okay, so you're saying I should tamp down the suspense or be careful about escalating it? (Or that I should make sure I follow through?)
    Cook should correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the point is that what you have here is good, and just to keep an eye on development of suspense. I also agree with what he's saying, and the bits about Brennus were some of the points I found most cool. Since it's info from after the timeline of our main story, it is not clear to us how exactly it fits in, and even whether it'll impact on your tale (maybe Brennus went around the east coast and down to Rome, leaving the heart of Etrurian territories less molested), but it makes very clear that crap went nuts when he moved south. Brennus is a threat, and that you make very clear through Peticus' remembrances. However, you don't say much else about it, and that leaves us unsure and wanting to know more. All of those are good things, and add depth and mystery that is usually hard to get in in a compelling fashion. The "suggestion" then is just to always make sure you say enough for us to be able to link in the suspenseful bit to the plot-line without giving us enough information to stop needing your narrative. That's the sweet spot.
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  20. #80
    Cookiegod's Avatar CIVUS DIVUS EX CLIBANO
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    Default Re: The Last Chariots of the Tarquins (A Tarchuna RotR AAR) [Updated December 31, 2018]

    Okay, so you're saying I should tamp down the suspense or be careful about escalating it? (Or that I should make sure I follow through?)
    I'm more pointing something out which you already might be doing - I have no idea if that's the case or not. That thing is that you have to look at this story element (Brennus being gradually introduced) not just part to part but also have it somewhat thought through in it's entirety. About tampering down or escalating it, that's up to your personal choice. I'd say "accentuate" is the way to go. Meaning sometimes tamper down, sometimes escalating it, according to your needs.

    Information control is key for that, and most importantly you need to have an understanding what needs to happen when for the pieces to fall properly.

    You might already be doing that, I don't know, so I can't offer you specific advice. I can merely point to the potential.

    Oh and when I say have a plan I don't mean every single detail or stuff. Just a general understanding of the direction, and really more for multi part elements.

    BTW, you still up to look at the chapter three revision? For anyone else, don't worry about having to go back and re-read chapter three once I revise it. I'm just tidying things up generally, fixing continuity errors and a couple or historical inaccuracies, improving character development and also better setting the stage for things that will be followed through later.
    Yeah, I'm up to it. Just be aware that January is a super busy month for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    From Socrates over Jesus to me it has always been the lot of any true visionary to be rejected by the reactionary bourgeoisie
    Qualis noncives pereo! #justiceforcookie #egalitéfraternitécookié #CLM

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