I have wanted to make a battle report for a long time. Not one where I just talk about units, the tactics my opponent and I use and all that, but a narrative one, where the battle may be something more than just a skirmish in a random location of the Old World. Winning or losing is secondary. What is truly important is to have fun and, if possible, make it interesting for the reader.
As I am not the best player of Total War, not every battle posted here will be a victory. In fact, the army I am going to bring to these battles is more focused in being “fun” than actually competitive. That is the main reason its forces will be mostly made of goblins. Weak, cowardly, with some special troops so the battles do not end the same moment they begin. The commander, heroes and the troops they bring with them will have their names and little back stories, just to make it a little more interesting. After each battle, depending on how they do, I might add something to follow some sort of narrative.
Anyway, here I leave you the “glorious army” I will be leading to victory (but most provably defeat) in my incoming battles!
-Commanders:
Bobo the Superlatively Superior Great Shaman of the Tribe of the Broken Tail: Ambitious, deceitful, mad…there are many adjectives which can be used to describe Bobo. Had he not been blessed by Gork (or Mork, his tribe still cannot agree on that) with the gift of magic, he would have provably ended up as supper for the trolls or pummeled to death with rocks by his many enemies. A constant consumption of all kinds of mushrooms from the deepest corners of his tribe’s mountain brought a boost to those powers (and also, a good deal of madness).
After many “incidents” which almost blew up half the mountain they lived in, Bobo’s warlord finally kicked the mad shaman out, alongside with all of his drinking buddies. Not wanting to be turned into squig food by his new troops, Bobo assured them that he had not actually been kicked out. In fact, he, and those around him, had been given the chance, no, the GIFT, of marching North to join a WAAAAGH! Which would soon lay waste to the holds of the dwarves. The promise of plunder, a good fight and a chance to get to business with their most hated foes finally improved the band’s mood. In a matter of seconds, the night goblins, who had wanted to turn Bobo to supper, now hailed them as their leader and prophet!
Some months of hardships, skirmishes and losing half of his band on the march, Bobo finally met (by luck alone) with the WAAAAGH! he had seen in his visions. Not impressed by the small, crazy goblin, but still needing someone to take command of his cannon fodder, Gazzrug, leader of the WAAAAGH! Allowed Bobo to join in and take command of the rear. With any luck, he would at least slow down a little whoever tried to surprise him.
-Magic spells: Itchy Nuisance and Sneaky Stabbin'
“I don´t know bozz, thoze stunties look really mean and…ONE BARREL OF MADHAT FUNGUS?! You zir have got yourzelf a deal! Come on boyz, it iz time for zome fightin’!”
Bobo the Superalitvely Superior, before charging with 1000 of his goblins at the walls of Ekrund. Only survivor.
Kolbot the Shrewd: Cowardice is an expected trait amongst the goblin kind. Stabbing someone on the back, using others to corner and stab to death a rival, they are all fair game. Kolbot himself has rarely used his spear, instead relying on his small, drunk personal guard of easily-manipulated gobbos. When battle comes, he is there to keep the lines in order or poke at his “men” on the rear to charge against a particularly-scary opponent. If that opponent is also to busy slaying his boys to notice him, then Kolbot will join in and maybe stab where the armor is weak a few times. If his foe survives and turns to fight back, then the “Shrewd” will have no problems putting as many of his “loyals” as he can between him and his foe. After all, he can always get more where he found them.
“Very good Snikler! Now, keep his sword in your chest just for a little longer while I stab him… where iz the damn…? AHA!! RIGHT HERE!”
Kolbot the Shrewd, during the battle of the crimson fields, right before sinking his spear into the back of a bretonnian knight’s armor.
Kazrog Khan the Magnanimous: The nomad leaders of the goblin, wolf rider tribes that roam the wastelands beyond the Old World take many names: King, Despot, Overlord, Chosen of the Gods… “Khan” though, is usually the most common amongst them.
Little is known of how Kazrog’s rise to power, only that it was swift and his predecessor ended up in the stomach of the new Khan’s wolf, “Bite”. What is commonly known, however, is how Kazrog seems to lack the cruelty so common amongst the goblin kind. This is not due to the goodness of her heart, but of the headaches which constantly assail the Khan’s head whenever any loud noise (like screaming) reaches his sharp ears. Because of this, his tribe rides and fights without making a sound, killing quickly and as quietly as they can, leaving Kazrog to unleash his berserk rage upon the “noisy gitz” of the enemy side.
“No, forget about zhoze bow gitz! We are going to zhat hill, we are going to kill anyzing zhat movez and zhen push zhoze big, noizy zhings down a cliff!”
Kazrog Khan, leading his boys in an uphill charge towards Count Eirnhart’s artillery train. Later seen taking every cannon to a cliff two miles away from the battlefield.
-The boyz:
Bobo’s Range Guard: Made of both the Shaman’s few surviving tribe buddies and any other goblins he believes are also blessed by the gods. Favored by Bobo, they are allowed to stand with him on the best spot to be found in the battlefield: The rearguard.
The goblins of the Range Guard are neither the most skilled warriors nor the bravest of Bobo’s host. When they unleash their arrows upon their enemy, they do so in huge volleys, hoping that at least some of their projectiles will find a target. As an added bonus, they also cover the iron of their arrows with all kinds of poisons made by the Great Shaman himself. While not deadly, they still drain the target of much of his stamina, leaving him an easy prey to the blades and spears of the host’s eager vanguard.
-Numbers: 4 warbands.
“Boyz, I zaid ztop shootin’! They are already dead!”
Bobo to his archers, after they spent half their ammo on a couple of dead Demigryphs.
Kolbot’s tipsy buds: Clad in shields, poisoned swords and big hats to make them appear taller than they really are, Kolbot’s boyz are the center of the host’s battle line. Due to all the strong drink their leader gives them, the tipsy buds are seldom sober and less so when fighting their foe.
Those amongst the buds who displease Kolbot in any way are given a full cup of “Madhat fungus juice”. This poisonous substance gives takes what was left of the goblin’s sanity while giving him inhuman strength and endurance. Before the battle, this fanatics are hidden amongst the ranks and get a huge rock or ball of iron tied to a thick chain. When the enemy is close enough, the goblins push the fanatics towards their foe and (if lucky) take a small brake while the loonies cut a path into the enemy army.
-Numbers: 2 warbands.
“Bozz, Bordug...he is coming back!”
Heard just one moment before a fanatic spun back into the ranks of the tipsy buds.
Kazrog’s mutes: Sometimes, silence can be as deafening and terrible as the war cries of one hundred throats. This is a tactic used by some forces around the world, but Kazrog’s mutes are still the first greenskin force ever known to do this. It is not cunning though, but their absolute terror of their Khan which makes them bite their own tongues and cut those of their wolves, in an attempt to keep them from barking and thus bringing their master’s rage.
The mutes always are the first to reach the battlefield and, if things go badly for them, also the first to turn tail and run. Trusting their speed and numbers, they ride in circles around their foes, charging their artillery trains, missile troops and lone, cavalry regiments.
-Numbers: 4 warbands.
“…”
Warcry of Kazrog’s mutes before their charge.
The Knightz of the Heavenz: One (if not, the deadliest) part of Bobo’s host is made of two batteries of Doom Diver catapults, machines which are shot by goblins and shoot them too. There is never a lack of volunteers to put on a pair of wings and be thrown into the enemy ranks. Goblins lives are short and brutal, so a chance to be used as a tool of destruction is one very few of their kind will pass up.
Unlike other Doom Divers, the “ammunition” of the Knightz does sometimes come back for another go. Special helmets, protectors for the neck and other vital areas and, of course, some very good luck, makes it so one or two of every hundred can be recovered after the battle, dizzy, wounded, but still alive. These “aces” usually become addicted, to the point where they ask to be shot into the air, even when there is no foe in sight.
-Numbers: 2 Doom Diver batteries.
“Zeven victoriez! You juzt have to go after the big gits with lots of flesh in their body. There was this one time with a griffin…”
Zurbu, top ace of the “knightz”, boasting about her victories.
The big boyz: The latest addition to Bobo’s host happened mostly by accident (or fate, if you believe the Shaman’s story that this was another one of his visions).
As they raided the countryside around the lands of the Border Princes, the Great Shaman’s boys began to hear deafening growls and roars coming from behind a nearby hill. Before anyone could stop him, Bobo joined Kazrog and his mutes to investigate. When they reached the hill, they found a battle happening in the valley below, one where a giant of immense stature and a small band of drooling, mountain trolls tried to keep a large band of questing knights at bay. Having more than a few drinks in him already, Bobo quickly ordered the wolves to charge and join the fray, quickly riding behind them while his staff charged with magical energies. No knights walked out of that place alive.
Even now, Bobo knows not what brought the giant Karith, and the surviving trolls together, nor he really cares. They follow him, kill his enemies and generally are worth the few goblins they tend to eat along the way “by accident”.
-Numbers: 2 veteran trolls and a giant.
“Now you see a zhieldwall, now you don´t!”
Said by Bobo as his trolls broke the dawi’s right flank at the battle of the Thousand Beards.