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Thread: First 300 words of something -- feedback welcome! (translation to english from own work)

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    Kyriakos's Avatar Praeses
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    Default First 300 words of something -- feedback welcome! (translation to english from own work)

    Any feedback on this? It is the first part of something of mine i am translating...

    "All around me

    It surely is different- to walk all by myself along the promenade, looking at the serene sea and the clear sky. In such conditions, on a day as warm as this one, there would be very many others around enjoying their walk and attracting street sellers to present their cheap objects to sell below make-shift thin tents to cover them.
    Children's voices would be heard, laughter as well as cries, noisy running around that ends abruptly when the parents utter words of caution so as to deter the kids from getting too far away as they have been filled with enthusiasm on account of the gigantic open space in this location that they lack experience to compare it in their minds to anything other than the rooms in their own homes or the classrooms in school.
    Walking past the crowd's numerous small groups, I'd be momentarily listening to their discussions, containing the pointless etiquette of the elderly legal guardians or the obscene ridiculousness of the ephebes. To put it concisely, I'd be surrounded by representatives of this city's meaningless life, in which it is identical to all other cities- surrounded by people flocking here as if they were drawn from afar by the echoing sound of something which did not really exist, and upon discovering it was not here they once again crossed their paths and became walkers to a thousand different points on the horizon.
    On such a hot Summer's day, utterly unclouded, how could it be that I alone would walk about in this place? The answer to this is quite simple, in reality- and it is also precise. I am aware- an awareness based on reliable evidence – that it has been some time now that I am living inside an endless, lethargic mirage.[...]"
    Λέων μεν ὄνυξι κρατεῖ, κέρασι δε βούς, ἄνθρωπος δε νῷι
    "While the lion prevails with its claws, and the ox through its horns, man does by his thinking"
    Anaxagoras of Klazomenae, 5th century BC










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    Caillagh de Bodemloze's Avatar to rede I me delyte
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    Default Re: First 300 words of something -- feedback welcome! (translation to english from own work)

    I like the idea you've got here - I'm interested to see where you take it next.

    I have a couple of comments, but they're really about the English. I don't really feel I have much to say about your idea, I'm afraid. It's a great idea, but you've pointed out this is only the start of something, so without seeing how you develop the idea, it's difficult to comment on that aspect of the writing. I do like the atmosphere you've conjured up, though.

    Opinions will obviously vary, but for me, your second sentence (the one that is the whole of your second paragraph) is too long and convoluted. It's also not quite properly grammatical in English (I'm sure it works perfectly in the original Greek!) In English, we wouldn't really say "...as they have been filled with enthusiasm on account of the gigantic open space... that they lack experience to compare it in their minds..." The "it" after "compare" isn't really English - you'd just say "...to compare in their minds..." (You might need to put the "it" in a different sentence, if the form of the rest of the sentence were different. In this case, the "it" is wrong.)

    You might want to think about whether you use the word "ephebes". It is an English word, but it's very, very rarely used - generally only in quite old writing, and generally only as a kind of showing-off word even then. That might be the effect you want, of course, but if not, you might want to consider a different word (teenagers? adolescents?)

    In your final sentence, you say "I am aware... that it has been some time now that I am living inside..." The grammar here isn't quite right. (Again, I'm sure the Greek version is perfect - this is purely a question of translation, not of what you intended to say.) In English, you probably want to say "I am aware... that it has been some time now since I began living inside..." or "I am aware... that for some time now I have been living inside..." Use the first of those if you want to draw people's attention to the way the narrator's current situation began; use the second if you want to leave the beginning more vague.

    I hope that's a little bit helpful. And I hope you'll share the next phase of this with us, whatever it turns out to be!






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    Kyriakos's Avatar Praeses
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    Default Re: First 300 words of something -- feedback welcome! (translation to english from own work)

    ^Thank you so much!

    Yes, i agree with all your comments. (also had altered slightly the massive second paragraph)

    Some bits to note:

    Altered text in that large sentence (forgot to edit it here) "Children's voices would be heard, laughter as well as cries, noisy running around that ends abruptly when the parents utter words of caution so as to deter the kids from getting too far away as they have been filled with enthusiasm on account of the gigantic open space in this location- they lack experience to compare it in their minds to anything other than the rooms in their own homes or the classrooms in school..."

    The story is of one who - apparently - lives an endless coma-induced (?) dream, and is reflecting on it.
    Λέων μεν ὄνυξι κρατεῖ, κέρασι δε βούς, ἄνθρωπος δε νῷι
    "While the lion prevails with its claws, and the ox through its horns, man does by his thinking"
    Anaxagoras of Klazomenae, 5th century BC










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