to rede I me delyte
Content Director
Patrician
Citizen
Re: First 300 words of something -- feedback welcome! (translation to english from own work)
I like the idea you've got here - I'm interested to see where you take it next.
I have a couple of comments, but they're really about the English. I don't really feel I have much to say about your idea, I'm afraid. It's a great idea, but you've pointed out this is only the start of something, so without seeing how you develop the idea, it's difficult to comment on that aspect of the writing. I do like the atmosphere you've conjured up, though.
Opinions will obviously vary, but for me, your second sentence (the one that is the whole of your second paragraph) is too long and convoluted. It's also not quite properly grammatical in English (I'm sure it works perfectly in the original Greek!) In English, we wouldn't really say "...as they have been filled with enthusiasm on account of the gigantic open space... that they lack experience to compare it in their minds..." The "it" after "compare" isn't really English - you'd just say "...to compare in their minds..." (You might need to put the "it" in a different sentence, if the form of the rest of the sentence were different. In this case, the "it" is wrong.)
You might want to think about whether you use the word "ephebes". It is an English word, but it's very, very rarely used - generally only in quite old writing, and generally only as a kind of showing-off word even then. That might be the effect you want, of course, but if not, you might want to consider a different word (teenagers? adolescents?)
In your final sentence, you say "I am aware... that it has been some time now that I am living inside..." The grammar here isn't quite right. (Again, I'm sure the Greek version is perfect - this is purely a question of translation, not of what you intended to say.) In English, you probably want to say "I am aware... that it has been some time now since I began living inside..." or "I am aware... that for some time now I have been living inside..." Use the first of those if you want to draw people's attention to the way the narrator's current situation began; use the second if you want to leave the beginning more vague.
I hope that's a little bit helpful. And I hope you'll share the next phase of this with us, whatever it turns out to be!