Re: [Diablo II AAR] The Misadventures of Diabolical Amazons
Episode 19. Judgement Day
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
Maltatai: Welcome to hell! Act IV is hell hell, the stuttering repetition. However, it is also used for the classical purpose of depositing the useless souls of unliked political opponents that you can attach the label "sinner", "heathen", "heretic", "lecherous lewd stiff person" and more to. It is really a garbage dumping enterprise of grotesque proportions - no wonder the locals and the perpetrators, heaven, do not see eye to eyes. The otherwise sound polluter-pays-principle is sadly absent. On the other hand, hells emissions of demonic invasion, natural and/or unnatural disasters and calamities, and last but not least the tabloid press would certainly be sufficient to offset any charges and debts incurred whatsoever. In fact, it seems to be high time to deposit even more human refuse on this waste-saturated dusty wastes. And to determine what pollutants to best poison the hellish ecosystem with, Rapunzel has been asked to - you would never have guessed - arbitrate. To aid her in the endeavours her unhired hireling friends are acting as rapporteurs and assistants preparing the case materials and drafting decision templates. Unfortunately the courthouse - the currently requisitioned Pandemonium Fortress - is besieged by an unrefined mob of easily swayed idiots.
With tact and precision, an arbiter can deliver swift comments on grassroot policy and environmental arguments regarding the garbage deposits resulting from the coming procedures without being caught up in pointless ooze-slinging argumentation on the mobs pathetic level.
While the rabid Ooze Fang is as fanatic as any agitator, the true driving will behind the riot is Steel Grumble, obviously a disgruntled United Metallurgy Troop activist, the argumentative shortcomings of his cadre being apparent to every onlooker due to the ominous acronym UMT, which truly says it all...
Telash: Now hold up there, my not so good at all sir! I formally protest against this baseless slander and unworthy smear campaign attempt against our noble unions!
Maltatai: Protest has been noted and archived. And also cleared in accordance with the latest personal information and cookie storage regulations.
Telash: Using data protection regulations ignorance and superstitions as an excuse for hiding and erasing embarrassing public information, that is so low! Such a cheap and lousy trick!
Maltatai: You are absolutely right. I shall instead fan the flames of citizen discontent by feeding your formalities to the hydras most honourably appearing to the arbiters aid. That is right - hydras! The best spell ever because it SUMMONS DRAGONS that aid your cause! No doubt the arbiters previous noble actions against the monster leader pests (= "Dragon Killer") has rewarded her with these awesome and wondrous allies.
Hydrahead 1: Strike now while the iron is hot!
Hydrahead 2: Flame their discussion forums!
Hydrahead 3: Let's lighten up the mood!
Maltatai: Since the hydras will put the opposition firmly in their place, which is running in terror from them or withering into piles of ash beneath them, the chronicler can take the opportunity to delve into the general rules of this arbitration. Now, the heavens appear to work as a snooty social club admitting some souls that they like to be associated with and shutting the rest out, while the hells are all-including and embraces every newcomer with open and spike-brimming arms. Rapunzels objectives differ somewhat but all her cases seem to center on whether or not an individual has displayed some sort of character flaw, which would presumably then be taken as a sign that he or she should or should not be admitted into the SSC (snooty social club).
Both flesh spawners and venom lords are by the way large enough to absorb many bolts from a charged strike, which makes the skill much more useful as long as the target is not immune.
Hydrahead 1: Habacalvas hearth heats heartfelt halo hydras!
Hydrahead 2: Voluptuous valkyries validate vehement volcanic velocity!
Hydrahead 3: Searing sorcery summons sublime sulphurous sanctity!
Maltatai: As apparent, the hydras were still enthusiastic if somewhat cryptic allies.
Maltacus: The first case blew by rather quickly, like the warm breath of the venom lords, and indeed conjuring a heatedly delivered ruling by the arbiter.
Ip: The case of Og of the Unnamed Peat Bog versus Kaer Morhen.
Kaer Morhen, being the head quarters of an order of monster-hunting warrior-sorcerers somewhat resembling a commercialised version of the paladins of Sanctuary, has recently abducted by force the son of Og. Kaer Morhen claim that its representative defended Og against various monstrous assailants and asked as payment "the first thing that you lay eyes upon when returning home" which Og agreed upon. Kaer Morhen and Og agrees that Ogs son was what Og first saw when returning home as he ha come out to greet them and was worried about Og, but the opinions of the respective parties differ regarding whether Ogs son meets the specifications of the agreed reward and...
Rapunzel: ...and that will be all! The court would like to underline that in order to qualify for a thing that may be given as a reward in accordance with the hereby invoked "law of surprise", or indeed any other law or treaty, some minimum criteria need to be met. First, the "something" that you see must be an item that is possible to give. Secondly it must be the rewarders to give, thus possible to own at all and not owned by anyone but the rewarder, unless the rewarder would obtain the permission from other partial owners of the item in question.
The court further notes that in this particular case the thing in question is indeed not an item but a person and therefore disqualifies as a possible reward by that alone. The court furthermore acknowledges that even if Og would have been considered an "owner" of his son in the manner of a slave trader owning a slave, or the transaction be reinterpreted as a transfer of custody of a child, Og alone was not free to offer that, as Ogs wife had not ratified the agreement. The court would like to add that the treatment of systematically abducted youths in Kaer Morhen - alchemical experiments with staggering fatality rates - also makes any claims of honestly taking up the mantle of legal custody of any child dubious at best.
The court consequently advocate the immediate return of Ogs son to his parents, upon which Kaer Morhen shall receive the shirt of Ogs son, which is likeliest to have been the first actual item that Og laid eyes upon when returning home. The court would also like to express its vehement disgust at the practices of Kaer Morhen and similar facilities.
Maltatai: After taking out some of her accumulated disgust on the double-agent Izual the arbiter let the fallen angel hover away with a warning. After all, violators of celestial company secrets agreements were far from the foulest fish in the sea.
Not only in hell are wide ranged conflicts raging! And not only arbiters are in the eye of the storm but apparently some demon demagogues sit tranquil and observe the whirling coming and goings of the outside world...until troublesome noisemakers from outside appear to disturb their contemplation.
There is a labour union disagreement, involving dead parties on both sides, that had assumed galactic proportions and arbitration was duly called for. Apparently some galactic imperial state far, far away constructed a prestigious overcompensating warship installation a long time ago to show off their superiority, whatever and so on... It was just a thing, the equally predictable opposing party managed to destroy the whole thing. The unliked outcome has thus raised the question of whether or not the design was inherently flawed and if the esteemed imperial staff designing it all actually made a blunder as clumsy as it is stupid? May the arguments be with you, for here were presented...
Waheed: The case of The Space Architects Union versus Palpatine.
The background is as follows. The Space Architects Union, from now on called the Union, has been charged with representing the architects and engineers, all deceased, subjected to what they see as slander and baseless accusations by their former emperor, also deceased. The Unions members did as mentioned construct a mostly spherical Ominous Doomsday Device, ODD. The odd ODD can of course always be sabotaged and blown up by a daring raid by the opposing party but in this case the main weakness exploited was the odd exhaust port used by the opposing party to fire an explosive projectile into the vulnerable heart of the ODD...
Rapunzel: First, the court arbitrarily decides to comment that the actual use and circumstances related to the loss of the ODD have not been shared with the court in accordance with an agreed upon discretionary clause and is not the subject of this ruling. The court does as a general rule however not endorse the common uses of ODDs involving but not limited to intimidation, extortion, mass devastation, planeticidal war crimes and abuse of orchestral volume controls.
As to the core of the question, the court has concluded, from the technical evidence presented, that any vessel of comparable firepower would generate truly hellish amounts of heat when powering up and firing. It does in fact strikes the court as somewhat surprising that the exhaust port in question did not have to be larger. The court furthermore notes that the close range defensive turrets in the area were too few to counter the threat of small enemy vessels, which is a serious flaw but does not affect the main question laid before the court regarding the mentioned exhaust port.
However, the court would like to point out that when the ODD exploded, it had begun its firing sequence and massive amounts of heat would have been needed to vent out. Therefore, said exhaust port would have been presenting a constant and quite powerful air flow out, which should under normal circumstances be quite sufficient to stop or at least disrupt an incoming projectile and possibly even blow the small enemy vessels off course. In the event, the projectile was not only undeterred by the exhaust, it veered 90 degrees in the shaft without detonating and continued towards the ODD core where it caused a devastating explosion. This illogical manoeuvring can not be attributed to, or explained by, common physics. One is thereby left with magical alternative explanations.
In this regard the court notes that the Union has presented certain circumstantial evidence regarding the alleged family ties and/or nepotism between the imperial supreme black knight warlock and the captain of the small enemy vessel firing the fatal shot. The court does however conclude that even the conclusion that the shot can not be explained by conventional physics is sufficient to clear the Union of all charges and order their immediate expulsion from hell and transfer to the pot plant-watering committees of heaven, whereas Palpatine is free to take a up a vacancy as trainee in the Hellforge to further his metallurgical and pyrotechnical knowledge.
Maltatai: To reach the new workplace, his imperial forcefulness would have to pass through the city of the damned and descend into the scary dark abyss below...one that was guarded by a huge group of abyss knights. Bombarding the newcomers like campers in a first person shooter multiplay, they made life difficult indeed and Rapunzel had to take care not to stray too far away from the stairs in the other direction lest she alert some other pack.
Floria: Down once more to the dungeon of the black abyss, down we plunge to the next case on the list! Down once more to the bloody Phantom Case!
Why, we ask, would he be chained in this hot abysmal place? Was there any mortal's sin but the wickedness of his abhorrent face?
Maltatai: Floria being her musical self as you can hear...
Rapunzel: Thank you, Floria! The basic spoken facts would be just fine.
Maltatai: Actually, this brings to mind one very famous Swedish verdict in a criminal case regarding a severe violation of traffic regulations. The perpetrator was a woman of peculiar habits who apparently made a lasting cultural impression on the court so that the judge wrote the verdict as a poetic verse with rhymes and all. Not too bad linguistically, but not an impressive juridical piece for it is far too short and lacks information about the legal grounds. He should have included proper references to that so that the prosecutor and defence could easily follow the reasoning. Those things should never be neglected even if the case may be simple!
Rapunzel: Not helping.
Floria: The Phantom Case. O.G. versus the Angiris Council.
The applicant who goes by the pseudonym of O.G. - The Opera Ghost - has requested a seat on the ruling body of the heavens, the Angiris Council. It consists of several archangels that each represents a specific field or trait, each a one-angel department to put it in context as a true amthropologist would. The council does however lack any specific set of procedural rules and can from a legal point of view be compared to a social club with strict if also unspoken conditions for membership. The Angiris Council currently lacks an angel of music and it is this vacant position that O.G. has applied to. Some other angels have called into question the character and personal qualifications of O.G. and submitted the case to this court. The questions arise foremost over the alleged murders of at least three persons.
Rapunzel: The court will review the known facts of each murder one at a time. The circumstances of the first case can be summarized as follows. O.G., by then not the O.G. and very young, was being kept prisoner in a circus and locked in a cage only let out to to be exhibited to the audience and mocked and insulted for his disfigured face. This abuse was allegedly kept up mainly by the director of the circus - name unknown - and the director was also instrumental in keeping O.G. imprisoned. In the instance, O.G. reached out between the bars of his cage and strangled the director after which he used the directors keys to unlock the cage and hide. Eventually O.G. took refuge in the underground levels of an opera house which he gradually began a hostile takeover of. The court has, from the somewhat vague details presented, concluded that the murder, while not in a direct defence against an attack, was motivated by the mistreatment and evil deeds of O.G:s captor and that O.G. had few other means of ridding himself of the abuse. O.G. thus had a cause for war against the director. Furthermore, the heavens have taken an exceedingly liberal view of brutal murders as long as they are directed at demons and creatures equally disregarded and the director would in the courts view compare to such in the hooded eyes of the heavens. The court does therefore rule that the first murder case does not impede the acceptance of O.G. as Angel of Music of the Angiris Council.
It is however the other cases that the court find more questionable. The second case occurred when O.G. had been the O.G. for quite some time. After having poisoned and inconvenienced the main singer as a means of extortion O.G. was pursuing, or being initially pursued by, one of the scene operators, one Joseph Boquet. Boquet was later found hung by a rope from the structure above the curtains. The third case occurred during the closing performance of O.G. and the opera as a whole where O.G. struck down Ubaldo Piangi, the lead male singer, and took his place in the ensemble. In neither of these cases were the life or health of O.G. threatened by these two individuals, whose offences appear to have been limited to crude parodying and being a general buffoon, and arbitrary arrogance and puffed up behaviour, respectively. Furthermore, the court notes that both murders were part of a campaign of intimidation and extortion directed against the management of the opera with the aim of ensuring that a certain singer sponsored and supported by O.G. would be given lead roles. In addition, the court is of the opinion that the manipulative manner in which O.G. pursued the affections of named singer constitutes a severe violation and betrayal of the trust placed by her in O.G. and conduct unbecoming of a music teacher. The court therefore rules that the second and third murder cases should be regarded as grounds for rejecting O.G:s application as Angel of Music of the Angiris Council, and recommend that he shall not be allowed to come within two leagues or eight floors distance of the archangel Auriel.
Maltatai: The court added on a sidenote that neither should Hephasto the Armorer be allowed to come within one screen of the arbiter herself, speaking of restraining orders.
The hammering hothead was blessed with an aura of cold that made it especially hard to escape him as well as his curses. No valkyrie or decoy could stand up to him for long and he chased Rapunzel across the River of Flames coastlines. Only after Rapunzel had made a swift dash around a bridge and doubled back. Then Rapunzel could snipe the enemy from across the river.
Perhaps the smithing smiting super-smurfs bullheadedness was influenced by the cows of the cow level, which obviously nest near the Hellforge. Their tokens and subtle signs are easy identifiers.
Someone else that should be smashed on the anvil is a certain Duncan.
Telash: The case of Duncan versus Jory:
Look ye all upon this deed, so infamous and cowardly it will make good men and women retch! Is this man presented before you possible to even considered for admittance to heaven, or shall he be cast down into the burning pits of the nether levels! We must gaze with stern and piercing eyes upon the circumstances surrounding the day when Duncan, now deceased, of the grey wardens struck down Ser Jory. Also deceased.
Rapunzel: Has the assistant not been informed of Maltatais profound dislike of processes where prosecutors appeal to the emotions of the judge with blustering speeches instead of focusing on the facts?
Telash: Of course I have! Why do you think I am doing it in the first place?
In a far off land there was a continent where feudal lords leeched on the work of oppressed peasants until they were interrupted by an invasion of undead and demonic archetypical types, colloquially known as darkspawn. That gave rise to the organisation known as the grey wardens, to which Duncan belonged and Jory aspired to join. The grey wardens operated as an effectively extra-judicial paramilitary group, in that they waged war upon darkspawn but not humans and other more allied creatures.
Duncan had gathered Ser Jory and a few other recruits for the grey wardens and sent them off to hunt minor darkspawn and similar mundane initiation quests. He had then ordered another recruit to drink a concoction of darkspawn blood and other things which would make the consumer immune to darkspawn taint - the grey wardens specialty - but over time also slowly kill the drinker. This ritual proved to be associated with fatal risks when the recruit died an agonizing death. Duncan then attempted to force Ser Jory to drink, who hesitated, and then stabbed him to death.
Rapunzel: Objectively, the facts appear to be strongly against Duncan. However, the courts focus lies instead on the arguments presented in his defence. Duncan has argued that while he did indeed kill Jory he was justified in doing so for a number of reasons, which the court will examine one by one.
Duncan has first argued that he was justified by acting in acute self defence as Jory reached for his sword when Duncan approached him. However, the court does not agree with this view of the event. Duncan was supported by two other wardens, one other recruit and one an initiated veteran. He was in all effects in control of the situation and had also not even attempted to reason with Jory, step back or in any other way defuse the situation. Nor did Duncan attempt to overpower Jory in a non-lethal way before he had drawn his sword - something that would have been less dangerous than usual thanks to the over-dimensioned plate armour both were wearing - or make a crippling but non-fatal attack with his blade, but stabbed him with the clear intent of killing Jory.
Secondly, Duncan has argued that killing Jory was necessary to protect the grey wardens organisation and secrets. This is a hypothesis that the court can not confirm. For the proceedings, the court accepts the fact that Duncan in the moment was convinced of this, which is what matters in terms of determining his actions conformity with the moral standards upheld by the high heavens. In regard to this, the court would like to point out that it does not share the underlying evaluation that the survival of an organisation in its present state, or its ability to function, can justify what would otherwise have been outright murder. An organisation of people can morally act as a whole to protect the interest of its members to the same extent that the members themselves could. Since Jory had not declared war on the grey wardens or in any way attacked them, no member was under such threat as could justify lethal violence. Therefore the organisation as a whole had no cause for that either.
Thirdly, the somewhat circumstantial defence has been presented that Jory deserved to die in any case because he was a weak and cowardly fool. The court would like to make it quite clear that it does dismiss this retching argument on every possible point. To start with, Jory was a competent and motivated knight, while lacking in practical experience. He was appalled by the practises of the grey wardens themselves, not by the prospect of battling the darkspawn. Furthermore, weakness and cowardice in itself should elicit pity rather than disgust, lest one seeks to attain the level of humanity of said darkspawn themselves.
Lastly, Duncan has argued the point that as he had conscripted Jory in accordance with the local laws he was equally justified to execute him. Regarding this, the court sees fit to voice three major objections. First and foremost, executing Jory would by definition mean that Jory was defenceless and posed no threat, thus as previously mentioned damning Duncans actions. Furthermore, conscription may be morally justifiable in a situation where it is part of a wider agreement between state and citizen, for instance a town which all inhabitants may swear to help defend or be free to choose to leave. In the case of the grey wardens, though, there was neither such a choice possible nor were the implications presented in a fair and open manner to those making a choice. Lastly, the grey wardens operated backed by states lacking in democratic rule, basic levels of justice and all in all effectively allowing said wardens to enslave whoever they choose and subject them to torturous rituals. This context does in no way excuse or mitigate Duncans behaviour - if anything, his collaboration with such oppressive entities and participation in the enforcing of such repulsive laws is cause for grave hesitation and most serious consideration.
The court does hereby judge the defences put forth by Duncan insufficient to exempt him from the most damning damnation and exclusion from the high heavens. The court would like to underline the fundamental fact that one is perfectly free to sacrifice ones own soul and sanity to save ones world from dire demonic incursions, but not those of others.
Telash: Down with the oppressive workforce management! May they be forced to do community service as underpaid secretaries to the Grand Vizier 2.0 of Chaos! Perhaps related to Drognan?
Maltatai: After a long day at work even the most dedicated arbiter will need to unwind and relax. And what better choice of recreation are there in hell than an infernal and immoral concert of morally degrading music? Hellish specialties, after all.
But the way to the goal is long and covered with many obstacles. First ther eis the matter of procuring tickets, and old crooks like the thief Lord de Seis will of course have bought all the tickets to sell them for extortionate and ludicrous sums on the black market, which is most of hell since the ground is pretty much only black dust and stone.
Having overcome that first hindrance a stupefying wait awaits as annoying fore bands seem to make time stretch forever, as if all the world slowed down from a slowing freezing aura. When will it ever end, so we can all get on with it to the real thing that we came to see?
Finally! The main attraction, poster name of Sanctuary and without any doubt most metal of the Prime and Lesser Evils! Although Andariel could probably have come a long way if she sang "Poison" instead of that insulting dance junk just to annoy Rapunzel...
Rapunzel: Shut it. Let's rock!
Diablo: NOT EVEN DEAF CAN SAVE YOU FROM ME!
Rapunzel: That's the spirit! That's what I call sound sound quality! There are no shortcuts to the perfect sound!
Maltatai: Actually it is "not even death can..."...ah, whatever....
So, what is proper soundtrack for a spectral arbiter and fiery demon lord?
Let's consider the facts. Here we have an arbiter with a Chromatic Bone Shield of Deflecting, coloured in the spectral resistances deep purple... There we have outrageous amounts of leftover ice and frost from her freezing arrows and enemy unholy freeze vaporized by diabolical pyrotechnics...
Diablo:
This is my Sanctuary
On this lake of fires shoreline
The classic gothic look cathedral
It wins out every time
Screw Duriel and the others
This is the best place around
Some stupid dare intrude here?
I'll burn her soul to the ground
Smoke from the water, fire in the sky
Smoke from the water
She burned down the little maid
Who died with an anguished sound
The maggot lard was turning insides out
Spilling worms on the ground
Nailed my elder brother
Who'd stayed inside his murky place
But borrowed time is running out
It seems like she has lost the race
Ripped, burned and stamped on, unrivalled is my thigh*
Ripped, burned and stamped on
Let the skies be raining fire
Let the seas become as blood
Let the angels miss every stone thing just outside
Spread our corruption there
With a few red lights and a few good swats
With flames enough to sweat
Not even death, will save you from me
Your deeds we'll never forget
Blood runs like water, from Ammys that will cry
Blood runs like water
*Take o look at the game cinematic at the end of Act III. Diablo, after assuming his proper form, is both fitter than ever as well as most swaggeringly and obviously posing to make his brothers jealous. Since he has both achieved excellent physical shape as well as inner balance (= finding and becoming his true self) Diablo is obviously the penultimate role model of any modern health and fitness magazine.
Rapunzel: For the last time, "Ammy" is "Amulet" not "Amazon"! Why did people even begin to mix them up?
Maltatai: It has been said for years and years but still these demons don't get it. Corrupting intrigues and power games are so obsolete. The way to sway the souls of Sanctuary is rock music. End of story. And end of chapter. Over and out.
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I'm enjoying the playfulness and good humour of your writing.
