[Diablo II AAR] The Misadventures of Diabolical Amazons

[Maltacus]

This is the story of five Amazons in the monster hunting game of Diablo II.

They play the game in version 1.13 with no mods or other third party content, in hardcore mode in which a character is permanently dead and gone if it dies, as opposed to softcore mode where it respawns after deaths.

The Amazon class is mostly a versatile skirmisher specialised in archery, javelins and spears and mixes martial skills with magically strengthened attacks.

[Maltacus]

Book I. The Misadventures of Two Untwinked Bowazons

Episode 1. The Greedy Trinkets of the Cold Plains

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: Welcome to the first episode of the tale of two bow-using amazons. We will follow the progress of Rödluvan (Swedish for Little Red Riding Hood) and Snövit (Swedish for Snow White) as they try to battle their way through the evil minions of stepmothers, charming wolves and the prime evils. In this primitive game dots do not exist so just pretend that the crosses inside the Diablo o:s are made up of imprisoned dots that would like to get out and return to their proper place above the letter. Stay tuned for regular updates or completely random lack of those, depending on how much time I have for the characters.

Let's move on to the plan for each character. I will try to keep their progress more or less even and not have any rush too far ahead of the other.

Snövit: Now that's motivating... What's the point of expanding my enterprise to new levels if the progress is held down by that kind of command economy? Now I will never be able to get ahead of Rödluvan.

Maltatai: As you hear, Snövit is ideologically as blue as the frost arrows she will soon specialize in. Rödluvan is more of the red type.

Rödluvan: And I must protest against how the progress of the archer community is held down by this inappropriate linking with the evil marketing forces! Think what monumental gains we could otherwise have gained in our social solidarity if left unchecked!

Maltatai: That said, why don't you present yourself and the progress you have made so far?

Rödluvan: I started first (HA! Owned, Snövit!). My plan is as follows:

20 Inner Sight
20 Exploding Arrow
20 Fire Arrow
20 Decoy
1 in all other passive and magic skills
1 Strafe
Spare points into Critical Strike

So, I will spread the warm, red and social exploding arrows across the land. Hopefully the decoy and very strong 1-point valkyrie will keep me safe so I won't need to rely on slow missiles. That way, inner sight should turn most enemies into easy target practise. If I can acquire good enough items, it may even be enough to allow me to use strafe to trigger some interesting processes. I am especially eager to find some open wounds gear since it is red and suits my theme. Crushing blow will also do fine, as well as life leech. And of course knockback. I plan on going through the game in a quilted armour to look as red as possible.

Currently I am on level 12 and have cleared the cold plains and got myself a rogue scout. Her name is Floria and she is rather cold. We use hunter's bows with rubies and sapphires. Naturally I put the rubies first to get a red bow. I have found a ring and amulet of greed but the returns are meagre so far.

I have the following skills:

Magic Arrow: 1/1
Fire Arrow: 8/8
Multiple Shot: 1/1
Critical Strike: 1/1
Exploding Arrow: 1/1

The feeling of seeing those explosions start at level 12...wonderful! What fireworks! A shame that the costs are so high. The community budget is not exactly balanced, but then, these are hard times for most states and I suppose the Rogue Camp is feeling the effects of the current economic crisis. I have had to support my economy on numerous occasions (buying, drinking and storing mana potions) but I am sure we will endure and one day rise to a self-sufficient community.

Plans for the near future: Beat Snövit in all ways possible. Try to acquire a Tal and Eth rune. I have already stored a socketed quilted armour to make "Stealth" in. Find more runes for a new bow. Find some boots that will me run faster. I am unsure whether to pump exploding arrow or inner sight the coming levels.

Maltatai: Thank you. Over to Snövit.

Snövit: Ha! As you hear, the silly community spirit of Rödluvan will not prevail. Individualistic freedom is the way to go! Already she is having trouble balancing her budget. I, on the other hand, am close to reducing my expenses to near nothing. But let me start properly;

Being Snövit, I will of course specialize in skills that are snowy and white, namely:

20 Magic Arrow
20 Guided Arrow
20 Cold Arrow
20 Freezing Arrow
1 point in all passive and magic skills
Spare points into critical strike I think

Freezing arrow will be the main attack against crowds. The freezing should provide ample safety against most enemies, as long as I fire continuously. I don't think it's worth the investment to max Ice Arrow just for the freeze length (well, at least it's more fun to have more skill diversity). The lack of a strong decoy or valkyrie will be a challenge but I hope to be able to use guided arrow to take down most cold immunes from some safe spot behind a corner or something. To suit the theme I will be looking for things that slow the target, blue or white armour and "hit freezes target" items if they seem viable. Shatter and bow before the mighty Snövit!

So far I am at level 12. I have also cleared the cold plains and have a rogue scout named Blaise (should be Blaze for she is pretty warm). I have gotten almost complete control over the magic arrow market and can buy almost at any prize I want. Soon, very soon, I will have a monopoly and endless free arrows. Muahahahaha! This early in the game the fixed damage bonus of Magic Arrow is particularly notable. I have the following skill:

Magic Arrow: 12/12

I and Blaise wield socketed hunter's bows with rubies and sapphires (sapphire first for me of course) and I have two rings of greed and an amulet of regeneration to keep the daily small life expenses down. I was very lucky when I gambled and the first pair of gloves I got was some very stylish blue ones with cold resist and a chance to cast frost nova when struck. I am sure Rödluvan doesn't have anything near those.

Future plans: Gain runes to make Stealth armour and a good bow, unless I find a white or blue suit of armour.

Maltatai: Thank you. One thing that strikes me is that you both have greedy jewellery. It's nice to see that you agree on at least some points.

Rödluvan: Certainly not! Snövit's greed is filthy market schemes to rob the people and exploiting the workers. MY greed represents the taxes gathered for the greater good of everyone, distributed by the communal society.

Maltatai: So, when brutally slaughtering demons you are...collecting taxes?

Rödluvan: Exactly.

Snövit: Just listen to the filthy hypocrite! Did anyone ask whether those demons wanted to pay taxes in the first place? No! Rödluvan represents a brutal oppression of enemies whereas I give the demons the freedom of choice. I shout "Experience and loot or your Life" to every foe I see before engaging them.

Maltatai: Really?

Snövit: Ok, maybe not exactly but I point my bow at them in a threatening manner. Universal sign of "hand over your belongings or get attacked".

Maltatai: And how is a monster supposed to be able to give you experience without being killed?

Snövit: That's the monsters problem. I have at least given them a choice, after that it's up to the other part to pick whatever option he or she likes.

Maltatai: I see. Well, this will be all for this time. I don't think the prime evils stand much chance against such relentless capitalism or disregarding socialism. They have already made me feel a bit sick and this is just the first episode. I have to take a break until the next one. Over and out.

[Maltacus]

Episode 2. The Poor Horadric Hostage

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: We're back, with encouraging news for all imprisoned old men in the world! Their numbers have diminished lately, going from a total of 1 to 0 with the rescue of Deckard Cain. Apparently the tired old lady Akara suddenly learned that Cain was in danger and should be searched for. Why she hadn't come up with the idea earlier remains unknown.

Snövit: It is not unknown, it's all completely obvious. Rescuing him in sensible time would ruin the dramatic effect. For the same reason, the demons and undead of Tristram could not be allowed to behave normally and just slaughter and eat Cain instead of imprisoning him. But maybe he tastes bad and they put him in the cage to keep him away from the other food.

Maltatai: Right, but I wonder how this fits in with the fact that no matter how long you dawdle or how fast you hurry, Cain seems to be in the same state of health and boredom. Perhaps his metabolic functions and ageing has slowed down to nothing due to their paralysing boredom? How was the journey to Tristram?

Snövit: Excellent, because this time I started first. At level 13 I acquired the magical and magnificent free and endless magic arrows. What a feeling...endless arrow spamming. I found a great deal of blue little demons in a stony field that I most reluctantly shot down despite their beautiful colour. Sadly, I could not find any demon hide to make a blue suit of armour of. What a shame. I especially liked the boss Rakanishu, the one that all other carvers idolize to the point that they use his name as a battle cry.

To get to this strange tree I was apparently supposed to find I had to crawl through a murky tunnel. Luckily my arrows are shining and could be used to illuminate the path ahead. I had no real difficulties with anyone here and even took the time to loot the second level of the passage. Sometime I also managed to gamble a pair of boots that increased speed, but only to a minor extent. I've been doing a lot of running so my vitality has increased.

The tree in question was guarded by some large ape-like creatures that made me think of the man-bear-pig of South Park. Maybe they are related. The dark wood does not qualify for being a wood because it is just a plain open ground with some trees scattered on it. It should be called the dark park or something. But why complain (except to fill out the story) - it makes excellent archery ground. Luckily I had gotten the waypoint in this park-wood so I wouldn't have to crawl through the tunnel again.

Maltatai: At least not in this difficulty...

Snövit: What is that supposed to mean?

Maltatai: Ahh, nothing. Please continue.

Snövit: Right, so I had gotten the waypoint and travelled back to the Rogue camp. I must say i prefer this way of travelling. Why can't those waypoints be activated from the start? It would be much more convenient.

Maltatai: I think it is part of the Rogue energy-conservation policy, to reduce expenses. Waypoints are put offline until someone activates them.

Snövit: Aha. Then it is all in order. Akara interpreted the scroll to be a list of which of the Cairn Stones should be touched first in order to open a secret portal to Tristram. I’m sure it is very secret and not at all attracting attention, hidden as it is in the middle of a stone monument in an otherwise empty plain. When I was about to go back I noticed to my embarrassment that I had forgotten to activate the Stony Field waypoint so I had to go back from the Cold Plains.
Rödluvan: What a nOOb! Loser! Ahahahahaha!

Snövit: I could do without maniacal laughter from you in the future. The town of Tristram wasn't much of a talking point except for the annoying blacksmith. He kept approaching me trying to sell the outdated items from Diablo I!

Maltatai: You don't think he was trying to attack you?

Snövit: Nah, why would he move so slowly in that case? Even zombies are faster than that. He must have been trying to sell me something. I offered him payment in the form of my finest magic arrows (I have after all complete control of that market) and after many barrages of bartering Griswold was so overwhelmed with my generosity that he fainted and dropped some useless loot.

Maltatai: You mean you shot him until he fell to the ground, destroyed, a process that would be called dying had he not been undead?

Snövit: Whatever. I didn't stop to check. Cain was easily let out of his cage. It's a miracle he couldn't do that on his own. I mean, he can even conjure up town portals out of nothing. How he was unable to escape by himself beats me. Akara gave me a ring and Cain offered me a lifetime discount should I hire his identification firm at any time in the near future. After my heroic escapades I have reached level 15 and have a point in Inner Sight and Slow Missiles. The latter of them should prove useful in the future. Blaise has reached level 13.

Maltatai: I hear you also found some old book.

Snövit. Yes. It is some sort of fairy tale about a countess that is buried alive. Apparently it's supposed to make everyone eager to travel to a ruined tower somewhere. Such stupid fan behaviour. I'm sure it's just a scheme from a Black Marsh tourism department to attract more travellers. Personally I would recommend them to start with changing the name to something more welcoming, like the Sunny Marshes or something.

Maltatai. There may be runes there...

Snövit: RUNES?! WHERE?! WHERE?! WHERE?!

Maltatai: Patience is a virtue, at least until next chapter. Now let's hear the story of Rödluvan.

Rödluvan: Not a line too early, I say! I, the competent one, did of course not forget any stony waypoint.

Snövit: Yeah, just gloat about it, you moron.

Rödluvan: The journey through the tunnels and the Dark Wood was much quicker for me since my fine explosive arrows seem to carry the fire damage from the rubies in m bow. I can't wait to get my hands on some Ral runes... However it also costs more mana. My travels are a bit like first class ones - expensive but faster and better - while the greedy and miserly Snövit won't spare a penny to afford more than her silly magic arrows. I was happy to dispose of the ugly blue carvers who I suspect are evil telephone salesmen in disguise or some other capitalist scum.

With 30:ish mana I can afford six flaming arrows until I have to drink so they must be used sparingly. I tried to herd enemies together as much as possible but they like to spread out.



They probably do that just to annoy me. I have found a few nice topazes but, alas, they don't suit my theme. But maybe my mercenary can use them in the future.

Having to use normal attack most of the time has been rather embarrassing with that hag looking over my artificial shoulder for opportunities to taunt me. She would qualify as a barbarian the way she behaves!

Maltatai: But you haven't exactly been the incarnation of politeness either.

Rödluvan: Petty details, petty details. The important thing is that the poor Cain was rescued from his sorry state of solitude, locked away from the community and kept out of society. What horrible fate!

Snövit: Not at all. The appalling thing with Cains imprisonment is the oppression of his individual freedom. To restrict ones unhindered movement like that – terrible! Surely the loss of freedom was the worst to bear!

Rödluvan: Unthinkable! It must have been to be cut off from the rest of our community.

Maltatai: You don't think it could have been both? Anyway, if this is so important to you, why don't you just ask Mr. Deckard Cain about the matter?

Rödluvan: What do you mean? That would be like...like...like listening to what the people actually want. Totally out of the question!

Snövit: Or like producing good quality products that your customers would actually require. Completely unthinkable!
Maltatai: Here we go again... I can't stand them sometimes. Over and out.

[Maltacus]

Episode 3. Snövit's All-Night Run

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Snövit: Yahooo! Yahiii! It’s meee! I have at last broken free of Maltatai’s evil control and foul enterprise-restricting double-character-playing idea. Now it is I who am running things here, and I am running them fast and efficient! I have already run the countess once. Guess what I got? A Ral rune! Screw YOU, Rödluvan! I got a Ral rune, I got a Ral rune! I bet the countess will be out of those when you get there. Carried exploding fire damage, goodbye...hahaha!

The magic free arrows made short work of all enemies in the Black Marsh, and I must say it was especially satisfying to shoot those red Blood Clan goat men in the tower. The red blood hawks or whatever they are called were also good targets, but the returned are kinda irritating because they block arrows like if they were silly knights in shining armor with crosses on their shields. You know who I’m talking about “wink”.

I’m currently wearing this VERY thematically themed suit of hard leather armor with two white chipped skulls in it. One could expect the armor to become white from that, but it turned black! Even blacker than the standard amazon middle-armor black. Where is the logic in this game... Another disappointment is that contrary to what the name implies, hard leather armor does not turn you into a hard rocker. So the soundtrack is still the plain old outdoor act one stuff. Boo!

Almost all the time I was out, it was black night. I left camp at maybe five in the afternoon and stayed out until dawn. Since I spent most of the time in the hole and the forgotten tower you could say that I was out all night at two infamous underground nightclubs. But I still don’t think Kashya should go, like, mad, like that. Blaise says she’s the same to all the rogues but I am actually bigger than them! I was at least 16 levels old and I think it’s very discriminating of those demons to have a level 18 age limit in their clubs. But I crashed into their dark dungeons anyway and crashed their party too while I was at it.

It is a bit tiresome, though, I must say. All those places are so dark that you have to fire arrows madly to see anything and cast slow missiles just to illuminate it all. After taking all those shots at the foes I was a bit dizzy, but dizziness is after all to be expected after so many shots at a nightclub. Blaise was also tired, I think more so than me. She is after all just 15 levels old so I guess it’s natural. She behaves well overall (mainly because I kill almost all foes before she can get herself into trouble by running up next to them and other rogue-ish misbehaviour). Blaise said it was especially exhausting when she had to take down big monsters herself without my help, but hey, I can’t be everywhere at once!

When we came back to camp during the morning Blaise was almost sleeping in my arms. Luckily I have found an amulet of regeneration (+5) so we will soon be rested and fresh again. You should have seen Kashyas face when she saw us! Unholy cows, that woman can be really noisy sometimes. Standing with her arms crossed as always, she went on and on about

“WHERE have you been!?”

and

“Do you know what time it is!?”

or

“Out all night among those demons and you didn’t call me a single time!”

And that was just the beginning. When Blaise mumbled something about how tired she was from taking all “the killa’ shots” (rogue slang for finishing a monster all by herself – taking the “killer shot”) I thought Kashya would explode. She seemed to think Blaise had talked about something called Tequila shots instead, whatever that is. Maybe it’s some sort of new arrow? I’ve got to ask Blaise tomorrow.

I can’t imagine how the rogues can put up with Kashya. She’s really over-protective of the rogues. Maybe it has something to do with them being so strangely small (much smaller than in Diablo I it is said). Perhaps THAT is the strange curse Andariel has cast on them that Akara and Kashya has mentioned – shrinking them all. But that is still no excuse for her to be like that. She’s like the annoying mother or stepmother of the camp and the tiny rogues are like the seven dwarfs.

Maltatai: Then all is in order, isn’t it, considering yours and Rödluvan’s names?

Snövit: Yaaawn... Maybe. Will write more tomorrow. Unless the quest against the prime evils is hanging too heavy over me in which case I will have to go out and adventure instead.

Maltatai: Yes, these quest “hangovers” can be quite a nuisance after a full night of shots at parties of demons.

Snövit: No kidding, wise guy...zzz...

Maltatai: Sweet dreams. While you take your well-deserved (?) break I might go and play with Rödluvan.

Snövit: Zzz...noo...zzz....must not fall asleep...zzz

Maltatai: “whisper” Over and out.

[Maltacus]

Episode 4. Concerning Monasteries, Smiths and Pits

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: After some time off it seems Snövit has recovered and is ready to put Blaise in new kinds of trouble. This time they are...

Snövit: Now, knock it OFF! Blaise has never been in serious danger and I would also like to point out that she followed me totally freely.

Maltatai: Of course. A hireling in a linear role playing game has all the power in the world to leave whenever she wishes... By the way, I hear Blaise's health bar dropped down to yellow this time and you had to manically town portal her to safety.

Snövit: Rubbish! I was in complete control all the time. It was an advanced plan to weaken and disrupt a bosspack of goatmen. Everything was a calculated risk.

Maltatai: I see. Was the risk calculated before or after the encounter?

Snövit: Why don't you let me tell the chapter from the start instead of these lame attempts at sarcastic humour?

When I woke up I found Kashya and Akara waiting to speak with me. They wanted to send Blaise to some prim, boring, restrictive religious school to learn not to hang out with amazons with bad reputations. No personal offense intended of course. I did of course not take it personally, I mean, how could I? This camp must be swarming with amazons. The fact that I have never seen anyone else doesn't mean that there might be dozens hiding behind Gheeds wagon. Those old harpies! The trouble with the rogue leadership is that they are just jealous because we are better archers! They thought that I should go too to this religious stuff. Ah, whatever. I decided I could check it out. I had nothing better to do at the moment.

Crossing the Tamoe Highland I was impressed with the fashionable blue colour of the corrupted rogues here. Something strikes me. The Sisterhood of the Sightless Eye (what a name for a group of archers) was never that popular but the number of corrupted rogues seems literally endless. Could it be that Andariel is better at marketing her competing sisterhhod? Could it be the diversity of uniforms and weapons available? I also found a rogue chieftain with a very nice aura. It was all blue and radiated icy cold and chilled and slowed everyone around. I want aura! I want aura!

I also visited the famous pit. It was filled with bone warriors and more corrupted rogues. I have heard that the pit is great for finding valuable and powerful items but I didn't see any of those.

Maltatai: That's a bit of an overstatement. The pit, hrrm, needs to mature for a time. Like a bottle of wine. Then it can be raided for high level items.

Snövit: Another thing is that I would have expected a scary vampire boss or similar in the lower levels. I was greatly disappointed.

Maltatai: Why on earth would you expect that?

Snövit: Because of the name, of course. The Pit.

Maltatai: The Pit, not the Pitt! Pit as in hole, abyss, underground area, not Ingrid (may she rise from the dead to sink her teeth in more horror movies). While the game is filled with a number of hammer horrors (one is soon to appear) she does not appear I'm afraid.

Snövit: Booooo!

Maltatai: Which is just as well, I might add. Only a completely overbearingly chivalrous, despicably holier-than-thou and nauseatingly boring snob (also known as Paladin) could stand any chance of destroying her. If Mircalla/Carmilla/Marcilla Karnstein appeared in the game she would wield superpowers that controlled the mind of all female characters in no time.

Snövit: At not-so-long last we stood before that stupid girl school. I was appalled! This is not a school, it's a freaking monastery!




Those silly harpies will turn Blaise into a nun! Over my dead Saturday nights! Raagh!

I stormed the place to find it...totally empty. It was very strange and suspicious. I even activated a waypoint in the courtyard but still no sign of anyone. Well, these places are boring, but this was getting ridiculous. Finally we found some devilkin receptionists in the monastery barracks. They explained that the business had been taken over by Andariel.

Maltatai: You mean they started to attack you and shoot fireballs at you?

Snövit: Yes, like I said. Aren't you paying attention? I was very happy that Blaise would be unable to attend any classes here, except for Advanced Archery Grade 4. In the deepest recesses of the barracks I found a most hideous character. It was truly a hammer horror. He spoke with a loud voice that is one of the most frightening things to experience when you are new to Diablo II. Mr Smith!

Maltatai: It's actually "The Smith".

Snövit: Are you sure?

Maltatai: Yes. So you called him Mr Smith. How did he take it?

Snövit: Pretty angrily. H seemed to think it was insulting to be called Mr Smith. I don't know why, it is a very common name in many English-speaking countries.

Maltatai: I think he was referring to the movie called Mr and Mrs Smith - utter crap that has spawned from the dark side of film industry. Actually, it includes the dark side of acting Pitts too. Wait a little, the Smith is of course Mr Smith. Who is Mrs Smith? Oh, it must be Andariel, hahaha! Or maybe Blood Raven?

Snövit: I'm sure the readers are very interested in your personal preferences of film that you so subtly (NOT!) hide in shallow jokes... We explored the monastery barracks and came upon the next shock.

First a monastery school and now this! What has Blaise done to deserve this? Going to jail! For what?!




Blaise: Maybe they want to throw you into jail?

Snövit: What!?

Maltatai: Or maybe it's just a dungeon with a jail theme leading to the end of the act which you have to use in this one-way linear game.

Snövit: A jail that is bigger than the monastery itself. Either your sisterhood has an entire different aim than I thought or some demons have been very busy building this.

Maltatai: Why don't you ask Blaise?

Blaise: I've never been down there. Until now, that is.

Snövit: That place was creepy. I found a waypoint and then took a long break. When I returned to the camp I had a VERY productive chat with Kashya and Akara and told them of my opinions of certain aspects of Rogue leadership. I also mentioned one or two anecdotes regarding target practise and Amazon customs and they have now agreed to leave Blaise and me alone to pursue our own interests.

In this jail we encountered the most disgusting and ugly of all super-uniques. I am of course talking about Pitspawn Fouldog! By this time I had gained a level and learned to shoot a simple cold arrow. While not so effective, it is my first snowy skill so I am at last both snowy and white. I tried it out for the first time on no other than Pitspawn Fouldog himself, who is cold enchanted and thus must have been extraordinarily humiliated by being chilled by my arrows.




Maltatai: Any good finds?

Snövit: No, but I got some topazes that may be useful later and charms of lightning and poison damage (note to self: remove before eating, otherwise fork becomes electrical and food tastes disgusting). Over and out.

Maltatai: I am supposed to say that!

Snövit: But I beat you to it. Haha! And now this episode is officially over so you can't say it until the next one!

Maltatai: Where I am sure Rödluvan will be delighted to play the title role.

Snövit: You wouldn't dare!

Maltatai: "dodges magic Arrow"

[Maltacus]

Episode 5 Andy

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: In an announcement of tremendous spoiling, we can now announce that Rödluvan and Snövit have finished Act 1 and are both on level 20 and on their way to travel east across the mountain pass.

Rödluvan: Great. Just great. Do you think anyone will keep reading on now?

Snövit: This would never happen if the position of narrator was subject to a bit of commercial competition.

Rödluvan: Or if it was assigned the most merited of public officials.

Maltatai: But luckily it isn't, so: How was the end of Act 1?

Rödluvan: End of it!? You left when I had just rescued Cain and you dare ask me about the end of the act!? I have half of it left to tell about!

Maltatai: Allright, allright, the word goes to Rödluvan. Please tell us all about the exciting travels in the later part of the act.

Rödluvan: Following the discovery of the Black Marsh I took a trip to the tower. The Countess was a better countess than hostess, for she only gave me a Nef rune. How useless! At least this early in the game... I went back to the rogue camp and read up on obscure laws of taxation. I found an interesting entry that read "If the tax master should decide to re-enter the game at any time in the future, he or she may impose additional taxes on the population in proportion to the times the game is replayed". Thereby, I could raid the tower for even more revenue! I found some useless runes but then I also found three Ral runes! Snövit, you were saying something? Unfortunately I could not equip the Hunters Bow Of Flaming Horror until very late in the act due to the silly level requirement.

I actually found a secret cow level at one point. I think. But it was rather small. And not so dangerous.




Maltatai: According to some complaints I received from the rogue camp, you became unbearably arrogant for much of the later half of the act. Perhaps that had something to do with you wearing two triumphant rings?

Rödluvan: Of course not, they are just jealous of my supreme fire arrows.

Maltatai: Which were not so supreme yet since you didn't have the Ral:ed bow.

Rödluvan: If you keep these interruptions coming I will never finish the story! Be quiet! At level 17 I could use the nice stealthy armour I had created by decorating a suit of quilted armour with two runes. Together with a pair of gambled boots it allowed me to run over 30 % faster than Snövit!

I was then very happy to slay everyone in the Tamoe Highland (except me and Floria) and the Pit - blue corrupted rogues and white skeletons. The incarnation of evil!

Snövit: I heard that!

Rödluvan: Good. I have increased my vitality to 65 by doing lots of exercise. For example, sprinting across monastery garden through enemy packs:

I have also become an expert at the noble sport of barrel-kicking!




I'm pretty, kicking and good, and also pretty good at kicking. Maybe I should dual-class and become an assassin too?

Maltatai: You can't dual-class in Diablo II. This isn't Baldurs Gate II.

Rödluvan: "shouts curse"

Maltatai: "saving throw versus spell"

Rödluvan: In the monastery I met some very enterprising smith. He was going to make weapons of my bones he said, but I informed him that I did not consent. With a flaming arrow. Or maybe a dozen. The rest of the monastery establishment didn't like that so they threw me into jail. Alas, what oppression the red minority groups must endure!

Maltatai: I thought you went to jail freely because it is the only way to reach the inner cloister?

Rödluvan: No, it was their fault. The establishment. And the huge companies, like Snövit.

Snövit: I beg you pardon?

Rödluvan: I have heard you talking to the rogues. You run a great and widespread business that owns the very minds of theirs.

Snövit: I was telling them to mind their own business, not that my business owns their minds!

Rödluvan: Er, aha... That seemed much more plausible. I lighted up the jail with my flaming projectiles and after a while finished my project of getting out on the other side. What kind of morons builds an inner cloister with no means of accessing it except through a set of dungeons?

Maltatai: They're called the sisterhood of the sightless eye. You have met them. Even hired two. Now to the big question: How was Andariel?

Snövit: Big and smelly. Not to say stinking. Her breath...the very air seemed poisonous. My arrows hit well but it took ages to bring her down.

Rödluvan: My arrows were more effective. Once I get some kind of tank and adequate protection for my nose I will probably raid her again.

Maltatai: I also believe congratulations are in order. You both managed to best her without losing your rogue at all. In fact, you have completed act 1 without any casualties. Well done!

Rödluvan: What am I hearing? Compliments from that fool?

Snövit: I must have gotten something in my ear. Maybe the confusion curse.

Maltatai: Now, I am actually quite polite sometimes. Do you have any questions about act 1 by the way?

Snövit: Yes. What kind of cathedral is that really?

Maltatai: I am not sure, but I think it is a prototype for the French Notre Dame, famous for its gargoyle sculptures. And the rogue cathedral has some gargoyle traps as you know.




What do you think of Act 2?


Rödluvan: Very warm but luckily I have gambled a circlet with cold damage so I can keep my head cool.

Snövit: I look forward to melting the minions of undead resurrecters.

Blaise and Floria: But we don't! We want to stay here in the western kingdoms, with the other rogues.

Snövit and Rödluvan: Allright, allright, we'll hire some more desert-like mercenaries. Take care of yourselves, little rogues. Don't rush headlong into melees or get lost around corners. Thanks for your help!

Maltatai: Desert-like mercenaries...Would that be deserters perhaps? Find out in the next update. Over and out.

[Maltacus]

Episode 6 Sand And More Sand

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: After a long and tiresome journey with Warriws caravan the two "good" friends arrived at the small town of Lut Gholein. The town was poor and built of rickety mud bricks and wood. It had a small wall around but no gates but still no enemies could get through the opening for some strange and probably stupid reason. Despite being so poor, the town was dominated by a huge palace of white and red stone. It was easy to see where the wealth from any trade had been invested....

The palace was owned by the young brat called Jerhyn. He was a complete fool and meekly ruler who would not even have dared to tell his subjects about a demon invasion in his own cellar for fear of losing their confidence. Having the news leak out would of course be so much better for their opinion of him...

The town still held out against the demons besieging it, thanks to the mercenaries of Ghreiz whose loyalty to their former masters and affinity with the desert had earned them the nickname "the deserters". For some funny reason the demons allowed Warriws caravan to pass through on its journey eastward, but maybe the protagonists shot down all attackers on their way to Act II. Rödluvan and Snövit immediately consulted Ghreiz upon arriving in Lut Gholein.

Snövit: I hired the defiant Kasim, with a shining blue aura that makes him an excellent defender.

Rödluvan: I hired Waheed the offensive, with an excellent red aura that made us both hit very well.

Maltatai: Did any of you need those aura effects or was it just for the colour that you choose the respective mercenaries?

Rödluvan: The colour of course.

Snövit: Yes, naturally.

Maltatai: Lut Gholein's social life, for those who haven't been there, is dominated by Atma's tavern. She and Elzix have made a complete market division between themselves and now have full monopoly on the tavern business of the town. They seem to be subject to neither public control nor commercial competition.

Rödluvan: Aren't you exaggerating a bit now? This is just a small town, everyone knows everything about everyone so public control exists anyway.

Snövit: And I doubt it is a very good idea to start a competing tavern since the only free space is outside the walls.

Maltatai: "snort" You only overlook it because Atma gave you free cookies after slaying the greater mummy Radament for her. She only does that to make people thirsty so they will buy more of her drinks, by the way, but I hear she was worried about your pets infesting the place. Can you explain that?


Rödluvan: We found some funny beetles in Lut Gholein. They were really cool. I had four of them following me to my stash after I gave them sugar from Atmas cookies. I named them John, Paul , George and Ringo.



Snövit: You're wrong, they followed ME!

Rödluvan: They didn't!

Snövit: They did!

Rödluvan: Didn't!

Snövit: Did!

Maltatai: Come on, aren't you a bit too old to quarrel about the beetles? That seems kind of outdated. You are after all over 20 levels old, can't you share the company of the beetles?

Rödluvan: With...her? Never! The noble Amazon community will rather go down than consort with the foul marketing capitalist powers!

Snövit: As if I would dream of cooperating with the oppressive forces of freedom-restricting bureaucracies! Over my liquidated company!

Maltatai: Don't talk more about liquid, this desert is hot enough as it is.

Snövit: Look who's talking - the lazy bum who just sits on his chair playing while WE, I mean I, have to do the job of running back and forth and shooting in this overgrown beach. Speaking of beaches, why doesn't Lut Gholein have a beach? They only have that rotting dock. Think what income from tourism a nice long beach could generate!

Rödluvan: Think of the tax revenue!

Snövit: Shut up!

Rödluvan: You shut up, you tax-dodging embezzler!

Maltatai: It seems like we are a bit overheated by the sun here. Why don't you continue the story of the progress through the act and amaze the world with how you bested the most beastly beasts?

Snövit: Cain sent me out on a random quest to collect to halves of a Horadric Staff that was the key to finding and entering Tal Rashas chamber. Apparently Tyrael and Marius and Diablo and Duriel had no trouble doing so without the staff... Don't ask me about the logic here... One half was hidden among slimy maggots under the ground and another in a dusty temple filled with serpent-themed creatures. The god thing with the mission was finding the Horadric Cube where you can put extra stuff. Another good thing is that if you put drinks in the cube, they will stay cold and fresh forever until you take them out again.

I have heard that some people wonder how I fared against the scarabs, this ominous plague of act 2. They were actually...not very hard. Slow missiles caused most of their bolts to fade away before they reached me and Kasim blocked many as well. Since I had some mana leaching and free arrows I could more or less spam slow missiles when necessary.

After the religiously oppressing the claw vipers and their tainted sun cult I learned that Jerhyn had apparently lost control of not only the town but even his own palace. He is such a lousy idiot and moron and really just a usurper on the throne. Aaaah, well, I suppose I had to help him as wellso I headed down through his harem (which is larger than the rest of his house - that should tell you something about his character) and his cellar which is about twice as big as the whole town. At the bottom there was a large strange portal leading to the strangest place I had ever seen. It was made of white stone or something, built as four large squares with bridges leading to the middle where a waypoint was situated.

I saw the most peculiar things here. There was an odd collection of monsters that seemed more suited to act 1 - goatmen, ghosts and ghoul lords. The ghosts were yellowish spectres. They didn't appreciate my joke about them being the spirits of people addicted to lemon juice because they all went sour and started to attack me.

In one corner of this Arcane Sanctuary there was a stair that literally felt like the end of the world. I stood there for a long time and looked out among the stars. There was only the occasional scepter passing by and attacking that disturbed the peace.

Maltatai: You mean specter?

Snövit: No, there were some scepters as well. Look:

Maltatai: I have heard about the flying scimitars but this... This must be the work of some evil paladin.

Snövit: Kasim had once studied astronomy, until Drognan threw him out after an unfortunate misunderstanding about the proper placement of spears in libraries. Kasim told of a special constellation of stars that is sometimes visible here. It was said to form some sort of message and some nights one could see golden shapes passing by far away in the sky. Here in the Arcane Sanctuary we saw both the stars and the shapes very clearly - below. They were some sort of vessels, golden yellow as the finest of Amazon armour.



Later on we ran into the enemy chieftain with the stupidest name I have yet to see.

Aaargh! I mean, "Bone Drinker". Drinking bones? Bones are not liquid, you can't drink bones. Even meaningless nonsense like "Blade Touch the Axe" or "Ash Wound the Slayer" is better than this.

At the end of this place in one direction was some kind of artist's studio where a summoning guy tried to summon his strength and courage to defend his collection of runes marking the false tombs of Tal Rasha. Why on earth didn't he just make one sign, depicting the sign of the true tomb? The summoners efforts were futile because I shot him down together with his minions from afar, using the Amazon radar.

Maltatai: You mean sweeping the area with magic arrows until the life/mana leach graphics tell you that you've hit something?



Snövit: Yes, that's what I said. You've got to pay attention!

Maltatai: Blah, blah... Ehrrrm, Rödluvan, how was your journey through act 2?

Rödluvan: I burned most things to the ground, except the pesky burning dead. To be red and fire resistant - what an outrage! The nasty scarab beetles were not much of a problem because they fell so quickly to my exploding arrows. Those beetles are just wannabe-beetles! Nothing like my beetles in Lut Gholein.

When I had just stumbled on the ruins of a lost city in the middle of the desert (what kind of moron chooses that place to be the site of a city? No water, no grass, no shade...) everything went dark. It was like an eclipse all of a sudden. When I returned to town Drognan was mystified about the length of it. The fact that it came out of nowhere did not concern him. He did in any case blame the claw vipers. They had a temple next to this city. It was defended by a primitive and ineffective fire tower. Lame compared to my socketed hunter's bow.

Their next defence was more clever, but not so reliable. Waheed was suddenly magically removed from the world, but then he reappeared! It was a devastating spell without doubt, but not so reliable. Waheed later said that this flashing back and forth reminded him of something, but he couldn't remember exactly what. He decided to call this strange experience a "Flashback", strange as it sounds.




In the Arcane Sanctuary I did at least not stop to watch the sky or other absent-minded things, but went straight to the summoner once I found him and shot his minions and him to dust.

Baal had left once we got to the tomb. Perhaps we would have caught him if Cain had given that mission a bit of priority instead of putting it last of all the quests of this act. Duriel was very annoying because he kept following me and not my subtly casted decoy! Such insolent behaviour is appalling!

Maltatai: Snövit, how did you fare against Baal's door guard?

Snövit: Much better than the incompetent red fellow around here. I managed to distract Duriel with my decoy and mercenary.

Rödluvan: That was pure luck!

Maltatai: Yes, yes, any good finds in the act?

Rödluvan: Yes, I gambled a nice pair of gloves with 27 lightning resist and 20 magic find, a decent circlet with life leech and 40 cold resist and some cold damage, a rare belt with 19 lightning resist and 12 cold resist. I also found a nagelring!

Maltatai: I'm starting to detect a certain pattern here... Preparing to run Mephisto?

Rödluvan: Actually not, I just found those things randomly. I sorely miss fire resistance - ironic, I know.

Maltatai: Thank you. What did you find Snövit?

Snövit: I have a circlet with lightning damage and mana leech, a ring with life leech and 21 cold resist while the other has 22 magic find and 10 lightning resist. I have also a stored circlet with cold and lightning resist and Kasim has one with 39 fire resist. Haha, you can't have it, you can't have it!

Rödluvan: You immature git.

Maltatai: Congratulations on finishing another act on player 8 with no lost mercenaries, and not starting a civil war among the Amazons in the process. Over and out.

[Maltacus]

Episode 7. The Swampy Jungle

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: After not so long time of playing our protagonists have another update of thrilling adventures to share with the world. Rödluvan was the first to be playing so it seems logical that she is the first to tell about it.

Rödluvan: When I arrived in Kurast I was greeted by the stench of rotting fish and a very elegant sorcerer speaking about the lack of sanity in the town. Most welcoming... He was dressed all in red. More inhabitants of Kurats shared his excellent taste, like Natalya the advertising model. It is really lame that she doesn't acknowledge other assassins when she has been a walking spoiler for that class since the beginning of time. But her cape is bright red. The most stylish were the Iron Wolves mercenaries. Dressed all in red except a bit of armour.

I hired one of them, Telash the lightning mage. I figured that the Amazon community could use some buffing of the public education - so what could be better than a lightning mage to bring some enlightment to the people?

Maltatai: SO. LAME. Enlightment. So unbearably lame.

Rödluvan: Don't be such a bore. We tore through the endless heaps of annoying little kids with blowguns and cuttlery in no time. After finding a random statuette it turned out that Meshif just happened to wish to trade it for a golden bird which just happened to contain magical ashes of a dead sorcerer which Alkor used to create a very healthy potion for me.

Maltatai: Wait, so you actually drank the ashes of a burned corpse?

Rödluvan: Ehrrm, yes. Hmm, I feel a bit sick. Excuse me for a moment.

Maltatai: Snövit, could you in the meantime tell us about your first impressions of Kurast?

Snövit: The town is filled with morons. Alkor is kinda fun, though. He said he doesn't like to be disturbed while studying the first time I met him, but I don't think he really meant it because he is always happy when I visit him. His potions are best left untouched but his comments on things in the jungle are great. This is my favourite:

"Hratli is only good for making his silly magic weapons. It's not like he's got the stones to actually go out and use them on anything"

After the statue business Cain sent me out to collect body parts of a dead priest. What is it with people in this place - first a drink of someones ashes and now gathering body parts?

Maltatai: This is after all the homeland of the necromancers...

Snövit: The first body part was Khalims eyeball. It was kept in a treasure chest in a cave filled with spiders. I have no idea why spiders would keep chests or why they hadn't eaten the eye if they were so eager to keep Khalims relics from being gathered. The spiders were lead by some chieftain that was known as Szzark the Burning. He had a pack of red spiders near the chest. The red spiders were of course the most evil ones.

Rödluvan: No they weren't! You just say that because they were read!

Snövit: You are probably in league with them, redling!

Maltatai: Don't start again. Rödluvan, how did you fare against the spider lord?

Rödluvan: He was a total coward. He hid in a little closet and strangely had no minions at all...

Snövit: HA! I told you! They are conspiring! I bet she wil be the next spider queen.

Rödluvan: While you will be queen of mosquitoes or other bloodsuckers. Or maybe of parasites. Anyway, me and Telash blasted our way throught flayer pack after flayer pack. After a slimy trip to the slimy dungeon I made it to Kurast. It was simple and unchallenging. Is that intended?

Maltatai: Sort of. I just don't like the jungle very much so I generally have characters assemble most of the gear they use in act II and then just run through, getting experience but not stopping for anything else.

Rödluvan: In Kurast I once again had to go down into slimy dark passages - this time the sewers. I had been given a map where the place of the second level was marked with an archetypical "X" but the place has freaking X:es everywhere! Who designed those pillars?! I had to go through the whole place before I found the stairs down.

Snövit: You are just an incompetent cartographer. I bet you simply got lost. Watch MY sewer map!



Rödluvan: You spoilt brat!

Snövit: Now that I have hijacked the post I might as well go on and tell about the centre of Kurast. It was filled with religious fanatics, walking trees and leapers and vulture demons. The last ones are really annoying. They can't be harmed while in the air so you have to wait until they land.

Maltatai: Excuse me, what are those bows for?

Snövit: Don't blame me, I didn't design this stupid game! While running around downtown Alkor sent me to find a tattered book that supposedly contained important information. I had no objection, but it would have been nicer to know what was actually written in the book and how it would help us. The book was hidden in one of six temples scattered randomly in this spiritual city. I am also happy to inform that Rödluvans collaborators finally turned on her and stairtrapped her in one of the temples!

Rödluvan: Will you stop it!? There isn't any red-monster-conspiracy!



The Council and Mephisto were both easy although Mephisto was mean to Kasim and nearly killed him.

Maltatai: How did you fare, Rödluvan?

Rödluvan: At least as good as that capitalist hag. No big trouble, just time-consuming. Why must I do bosses on players8?

Maltatai: It's cooler and more macho. Have you found anything good?

Rödluvan: Yes, I got Duskdeep and Griswolds Edge for Telash. I have also made him a Stealth leather armour and Ancients Pledge shield. AND I finally have some mana leeching, having found a 7% Manald Heal! I have also found a nice shimmering jewel of envy, but I don't know where to put it yet.

Snövit: I have found lots of runes and made Zephyr in a stag bow. The extra speed is much appreciated. I have evn managed to get a perfect ruby from a gem shrine. Will probably use it for a blood belt. I have a 14 ED/+5 max damage jewel to put somewhere before it becomes obsolete. But all that pales in comparison to what I found when a flayer pack dropped two set items, one which was useless. The other, however...

Maltatai: I think I can guess where this is going (even without having plyed the character in question)...

Snövit: BEHOLD! THE HOLY GRAIL OF ARCHERY!

Maltatai: What, the splint mail?

Snövit: Don't you dare spoil my triumph with your mockery! Tremble before the might of knockback and hit slows target 25%!

Rödluvan: Snövit, what colour are those gloves?

Snövit: Why, they are... no. No. NO! NOOOOOO!

Maltatai: Maybe you can keep them despite them being red. Slowing is after all associated with cold. But I think Rödluvan may have one or two taunting comments about it...

Snövit: Don't say a word! Not one word!

Rödluvan: Or else?

Snövit: Or I'll... I'll trap Telash in Kurast and you will have to go to hell without a hireling!

Rödluvan: Pfeef! That's impossible.

Snövit: No it isn't. I trapped Ormus next to the pyramid after delivering the Gidbinn. Now he will forever stand in the same spot. So watch it!



Maltatai: Aren't you supposed to be heroes or something. Trapping poor Ormus in the maze of his own lousy ai, that's not nice.

Snövit: Ah, He'll be released as soon as I start a new gaming session. So you better start with me in act IV.

Rödluvan: No! Do not yield to such appaling extortion!

Maltatai: I am not. But it is actually Snövits turn to start first. The next episode will be about the smoking fires of hell itself where the now 31 levels old protagonists must face the first really dangerous boss so far, Mr flaming-spells-and-lightning-breath-across-the-whole-room. Over and out.

[Maltacus]

Episode 8 Big D

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: Coming back from the fiery Act IV, we are thrilled to hear of the latest adventures of Rödluvan and Snövit. Who would like to start?

Rödluvan and Snövit: "Cry"

Maltatai: What's wrong?

Rödluvan: Telash died.

Snövit: Kasim too.

Maltatai: I'm sorry to hear that. I take it that they fell at the end of the act? Normal Diablo is just hopeless when it comes to saving mercenaries, unless you are very lucky.

Snövit: It's so damn frustrating! I was able to stay hidden and snipe him from afar with guided and magic arrows and ran away to keep Kasim safe. I got him down to less than a quarter and THEN, right after I get back from town, Kasim heads straight from the town portal towards Diablo and is slain in a frame. Booooo!

I had found this excellent spot across a moat and could send arrow after arrow flying at the red scumbag. The guided arrows were a big disappointment - they are more like misguided arrows. The only redeeming quality is that they can get stuck in walls, which is a little fun.



The journey to Diablo was uneventful and slow. Frozen and magic arrows work well against the demons and others here, although they have lots of hitpoints. They also look good together with my blue valkyrie. Venom lords were especially slow to go down. I managed to shoot some of them from afar




Now this blessing is without doubt the most beautiful one, but I fail to see the point of resisting cold in the middle of a river of lava...



Maltatai: Rödluvan, how was your trip through the burning hells?

Rödluvan: I started with realising how utterly useless my Ral:ed hunters bow was against the fire-addicted demons. It was dark times (even for being in a place where all the ground is made up of dusty coal and black rock). I didn't know what to do. Telash was sometimes of great help against packs of demons. Eventually, I decided to take a break from archery and made a Malice flail. THAT worked wonders, and the blood had a lovely red colour!

Maltatai: Yes. It must have been very stylish...eugh...

Rödluvan: When I had resolved to having to take down Diablo by open wounds, I found the most excellent thing- An Amn rune dropped! I promptly put it in a kris along with a Tir rune. In addition, I had bought shimmering and deflecting bone shields, so my blocking and fire/cold/lightning resistance was maxed. I felt ready to tank anything to keep Telash alive. I meleed Hephasto.

I meleed demons and undead knights. In ancient days such practise was suicidal thanks to some sort of maiden, according to the old records, but now it seemed to work well. When clearing out the Chaos Sanctuary my eyes fell on a mysterious ancient shrine. It had a mystic inscription that read:

"DANGER. DO NOT TOUCH"




Maltatai: You mean you found a fire shrine!? In the middle of the Chaos Sanctuary in the River of Flame in the Burning Hells, so that makes sense sort of, now that I think of it.

Rödluvan: A reckless idea sprung to my mind as I whittled down the guardians of the seals with my flail. I talked it over with Telash who agreed to give it a try (not that one can try more times but anyway). When Diablo appeared we lured him to the shrine, and I triggered it! It was horrible. The flames went right through my shields and armour and I was badly burned, but so was Diablo, fire spelling demon or not. I tossed Telash a purple potion and drank one myself and retreated south to refill my belt. When we advanced back, Diablo cast some sort of spell as I attempted to go around him to draw fire off Telash. I do not know what it was but Telash died before I could even grab a potion to give him.

Maltatai: The extra damage to hirelings just sucks. It's unbalanced and lame.

Rödluvan: When Telash died in an instant I became furious. I charged the great redneck and stabbed him time and again which caused crushing blows to his health. His life melted away along with his confidence, for I had positioned my valkyrie behind him. She did attack using both spear and feet and thereby, Diablo had his behind kicked by a level one valkyrie, which was most humiliating for him.

After an epic fight the slime fell, cursing his roten luck and clenching his fists in anguish. I danced over his corpse and desecrated it in honour of Telash.



Maltatai: You...triggered a fire shrine while battling the lord of terror and then meleed him to death?

Rödluvan: I threw some exploding arrows in to complement the open wounds, but it was not very effective, so basically yes.

Maltatai: That's pretty cool, I think. Badass Amazon tactics. You have bested Diablo on /players8, not bad of you.

Snövit: Who the hell cares!? Kasim is gone and I have failed.

Rödluvan: If this is a victory it is as hollow as the greater mummies of the Halls of the Dead.

Maltatai: When someone dies in the world of Sanctuary, their souls regularly end up in hell. What do you think happens when someone dies in hell?

Snövit: What do you mean?

Maltatai: You may have a couple of capricious condottieri, or lonely landsknechts waiting for you in Harrogath. Over and out.

[Maltacus]

Episode 9: Lord of Normal

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: Now rise, thread, the time has come to assume your true form!

Rödluvan: What is all the commotion about? What! Maltatai! Where have YOU been?

Snövit: You just disappeared and all went black. We were trapped in a dark oblivion! And I bet I saw Cthulu as well on one occasion. The monster had some kind of obese racoon on his back.

Maltatai: My computer was hit by some sort of power overload or power surge or something like that. If I had ever made a lightning amazon I could have asked her about the correct term. Eternal damnation on the careless energy company here whose pathetic grid can not stop such fluctuations! The hard drive was damaged and could not be used again so I had to transfer you to a new one with the help of a friend. It took some time. And then I have been buried alive in masses of school work. Boooo!!!

Snövit: You dare to tell me that my magnificent adventures and thrilling escapades were disrupted like this because of some LAME and SILLY mundane writing of dull texts?!

Maltatai: Yes. I am very sorry.

Rödluvan: Not nearly as sorry as the demons responsible for our imprisonment will be. Trapped in eternal darkness for MONTHS!

Snövit: Who shall I shoot? There will be no escape from guided arrows!

Rödluvan: Who shall I burn?

Maltatai: Gratitude. Later I found this old wand lying on the ground and it turned out to be a

Wand of Thread Necromancy

Wand
One-Hand Damage: 3 to 5
(Author Only)
Required Dexterity: 2
Required Strength: 5
Required Level: 1
Wand Class – Fast Attack Speed
+13% Enhanced Damage
+13 to Attack Rating
7% chance to cast level 17 Revival of Interest on writing
+10 to 997 Lightning Damage to Telge
+50% Damage to Undead
Level 18 Thread Necromancy (34 of 118 Charges)

Mephisto inspired me to say some cool commanding spells and incantations as I wielded it.

Rödluvan: "Gratitude"? That's an odd way of expressing yourself. Almost archaic to the point of bordering the comical. Have you perhaps been watching Spartacus: Blood and Sex?
Snövit: It's Spartacus: Blood and Sand.

Rödluvan: In name only. I was speaking of the content, which is easily summed up.

Maltatai: Hehe, you have a point there. But a show can nevertheless be quite entertaining. The archaic outbursts of profanity and eloquent cursing referring to body parts of various gods are also quite entertaining.

Rödluvan: Pfef! I cannot understand how anyone can find such an endless display of video violence entertaining.

Snövit: That's because you are a bigot hypocrite and more censoring than Akara.

Rödluvan: Shut your mouth, moron!

Snövit: Ha! I have not even watched the crap, in opposite to you who seem so knowledgeable of the lowlife show's content! Personally, I hold myself to slightly higher standards and avoid vulgar orgies of blood and killing.

Maltatai: Like Diablo II, then.

Snövit: What!?

Maltatai: Vulgar orgies of blood and killing. Is that not a rather apt description of the point and "plot" of this game?

Snövit: Of course not! This game has...has...magical talking books too! And angels!

Rödluvan: And user-interactivity and customizable character development and more influence to the player!

Maltatai: Rödluvan, I never thought I would hear you utter such presumably foul marketing cliches. As a matter of fact, did I mention that the ex-slaves in the show form a collective community apparently based on quite high solidarity with each other?

Rödluvan: Huh? Collective? Solidarity?

Maltatai: And that the show seems to be a commercial success and involves lots of gold and treasure?

Snövit: Hmm? Commercial success?

Maltatai: Not to mention that in the latest season there emerges a veritable amazon trained in the use of the bow watching over the protagonist as he heads straight into obvious ambushes just like the hirelings, while another girl makes considerable improvement when practising dodge and critical strike skills when fencing?

Snövit and Rödluvan: There are BOWAZONS in the show?!

Maltatai: But you were neither interested in endless displays of video violence nor in vulgar orgies of blood and killing so I shall not dwell on the unpleasant subject any longer... Why are you coughing and clearing your throats like that? Is it something with the air? Rödluvan, could you please tell about the exciting journey through the barbarian lands?

Rödluvan: Well, after arriving at Harrogath I knew never to trust angelic transportation services again. I dropped out of the air right in Malah's cauldron, but thankfully before the old witch had begun cooking anything. After having my bruised back healed I limped out to look around. This is really a small town, it's just a tiny village. And there are no places for archers to shoot from. No wonder Baal's forces were about to storm the place. The smith in town was the most rude I've met, expecting me to have to prove myself to him just because I happened to stumble into the town. I tell you, if that Shenk had not been in my way I would have left him untouched just out of spite! Qual-Kehk was better, treating me like one of the team.

I even met Telash again! Evidently he was sent here by Tyrael who did not want to admit him entry into heaven. It was some old misunderstanding regarding that girl Natalya in Kurast and not being married. That was also the reason Telash was banished from the town guard of Kurast and forced to work for strangers like me. Telash assured me it was a very trivial and minor thing not worth mentioning.

We shot our way slooowly through the heaps of demons leading to Shenk. The life of the guys was tremendous! It was as if some evil force had turned them eight times stronger than they should have been!

Maltatai: "Whistles"

Rödluvan: When Shenk died there was some malfunction that caused all his catapults (those that I had previously destroyed...) to target the spot, but they did only damage the enemies. Very strange.

Continuing through the frozen and cold November-like lands I struggled with my insufficient little edge bow. It certainly made me feel on edge. Insufficient, silly thing. I had better luck with charms. I found one particularly charming that increased both fire resistance and life. Both red things and highly vital for success and theme. To my horror, I also found out about Baal's evil attempt to infiltrate and undermine the communal, red amazon unions by painting his demon bosses red! Ha! Ever that weasel Baal! I promptly disposed of the taskmaster in disguise.




Maltatai: Snövit, how was your beginning of the act?

Snövit: Kasim waited for me at the town gate! He was instructing Qal-Kehk in how to form a phalanx formation. I, for one, stuck to the theme and rules and played as a BOWAZON and not some little wannabe-daggermancer with a bone shield. I found a rare razor bow with good speed but little damage, but it allowed me to shoot my free magic arrows at a good pace. The frozen ones were not especially effective but they kept Kasim safe when he got mobbed. I had trouble with the mana and could not really rely on my special arrows as a main source of damage.

Rödluvan: No wonder, since your arrows and theme are crap.

Snövit: Go back and play with your little campfire!

Maltatai: Now, now, please don't bash each others brains out until the end of the chapter. There was some issue with a nihilist fellow I heard?

Snövit: Nihilist?

Rödluvan: It's Nihlatak, not Nihilist. But maybe he is a nihilist, I don't know. The way he blows up corpses one could think he doesn't want anything left - that he wants a world with nothing in it and believes in nothing. Yes, Nihlatak was some kind of elder guy who mainly smirked and insulted newcomers. He was rather pale too. Maybe his last name is Malfoy?

Nihlatak had stolen some holy relic that would make it possible to pass through the ancient summit unchallenged. I don't know why someone would leave such a totally vital and decisive thing in the hands of Nihlatak or lying around or able to be stolen. I mean, every player immediately grasps that Nihlatak is the potential traitor since he is so impolite.

Snövit: He likes to clean up dead bodies - I think he was the undertaker in Harrogath as an extra job apart from being an elder - which I helped him with. He was not very pleased with that. Apparently there was something wrong with the bodies melting instead of shattering in a gory splash of intestines. Perhaps he was having trouble with leaky drains and moisture in his cellar apartment?

Rödluvan: If we should try to at least make an impression of telling things in proper order; I had first rescued Anya, a polite but not so smart girl. She was sitting in the middle of an ice cube with nothing but a skirt and top. Not so healthy.

Maltatai: Comes from the girl who runs around in a quilted armour swimsuit with metal plates directly on her bare legs and arms... You don't think she could have been trapped by an evil freezing curse?

Rödluvan: No way, all the monsters would have eaten her as an icy snack if they thought they should be hostile to her. Anyway, I got a bottle of super-hot chocolate from Malah which thawed her. Sadly, she drank it all and left none for me. I know she was cold, but she could have asked if I wanted some. I could have lighted a warm fire with my arrows in return. Then Anya just left in a portal and didn't even say goodbye, not to mention ask if I wanted to come with her.

Snövit: She was the same towards me, as shocking as it may sound. I wonder if she was training in order to play the lich king in WC III? Sitting on a piece of ice and not bothering with normal politeness sounds like a lich king.

Rödluvan: We bow to your expertise.

Snövit: What? Why, thank you.

Rödluvan: Someone so cold and devoid of human feelings such as yourself must surely know what liches are like. Hahahaha!

Snövit: You foul, slimy, oozing epithet-not –allowed- by-the-forum-rules!

Rödluvan: Comes from the queen of stinking, scummy things-that-will-make-Thyiad-go-nuts herself!

Anya sent me to hunt Nihlatak and then I had to go through many icy caves to fight the ancients. The ancients are a group of three old immortal men who spend their time complaining about all younger generations and their apparent shortcomings and practise warfare. The Arreat summit is more like the Arreat retirement home! It was my pleasure to slaughter those insulting old fossils!

The hardest of them was Talic. For some reason he is almost always the hardest. He has ared armour with oversized plates and big horns on his helmet. Wait a second... Talic is a warrior of Khorne, the blood god! It all makes sense now! I stabbed him a lot with my strengthy kris (I'm queen stabbity, stab stab, kill kill), but he didn't mind. He just smiled and grunted "blood for the blood god, skulls for the skull throne" It's a shame the ancients didn't drop any loot for I would sorely have wanted to get that stylish armour.


My valkyrie has no sense of style and fashion.

Blood for the blood god!




Snövit: I think he was more of an environmental or hunting guy than a slayer of Khorne. Or maybe a green little man from Mars. He could have been a Harry Potter fan too. I base these assumptions on his shield, which featured a deer, and was very deer to him. Hahaha!






Maltatai: "deep sigh"

Rödluvan: That was the lamest joke I've ever heard!

Snövit: Invent a new one yourself then. After the ancients had shared some of their presumed life experience with me I shot my way through the worldstone keep. Baal eventually greeted me standing on a little throne. He has really no grasp of strategy! He sent his last reserves at me one wave at a time! If he had sent them all at once it could have been troublesome, but now it only took time. It was my pleasure to melt all the minions of the shaman and unraveller pack! The hydras were hard, though. I had to watch Kasim all the time. After clearing his minions, I teleported down through the portal and battled with the lord of destruction himself. The smug narcissist snob even cloned himself on some occasions! I mean, how far can you sink?

Rödluvan: His amount of hit points was almost unbelievable. It was as if every blow, even crushing ones, barely scratched him!

Curse you, Baal! Yes, good work valkyrie! Have I mentioned that your leg look particularly good in that armour?






Snövit: If they came from you, no wonder. Weakling!

Rödluvan: Yes, why don't you feel for yourself how weak they are? Just come a little closer...

Eventually Baal fell! However, it was not before Telash had succumbed to his vile magic

Snövit: Not even Kasim made it. Baal was to a great extent constructed of those robot jellyfishes from the Matrix films. When he died the remaining ones fled and flew away.






Maltatai: Is the world saved now, thanks to the honourable sacrifices of the underpaid underlings?

Rödluvan: No. "sigh". After (why after, why was he unable to enter when a lowly human could?) Baal was finished, Tyrael the arch-fool appeared. He explained that the worldstone had been corrupted and would soon spill out hellish influence over the world. The only way to stop it was to destroy it. And to destroy it he had to throw hi sword into it.

Maltatai: Doesn't sound too hard...

Snövit: Exactly! And the celestial presence kneeled to focus his mind and cause some lightning effects to aid in the games advertising campaigns. Then he rose and hurled his blade with a mighty swing...into the bottomless chasm...

Rödluvan: How can you miss a freaking WORLD STONE?! How incompetent are angels allowed to be? Then the world seemed to shake, and the worldstone started to melt. It's essence turned into mist that flew out of the room and covered the world with it's presence. The magic caused everything I had accomplished to be undone and reverted! All the unionising for nothing!

Snövit: No market shares left! Only my one employee who thankfully also reverted to past state - that is, alive. Now, everyone's memory is wiped out and it is as if all those thing have never happened. We are back at the rogue camp and everything is as before the story started, except worse! I have caught some kind of flu or other illness that turned my resistance down to less than half! Kasim has been infected too!

Rödluvan: And the monsters are many times stronger than last time! They are obviously strengthened by the corrupted worldstones power. Only good thing is that our items and experience is unaltered. This is like a damn NIGHTMARE!

Maltatai: Something that is also different will be the player setting. From now on it will all be on /players1.

Snövit: What the (next difficulty level)!!! Did you cause all those monsters to be that strong?!

Rödluvan: Time for strikes and blockades!!! Strike him!!! Blockade the exits!!!

Maltatai: Yaaaaaah! Think of all the great experiences you have had that you would otherwise have missed! Over and out!

[Maltacus]

Episode 10: Andy's Nightmare

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: Hello Rödluvan and Snövit. How fare you in the nightmarish nightmare?

Snövit: Ahh, excellent! All is well and we have found peace. But mine is more tasteful than hers, which is SOOO last year.

Maltatai: Excuse me? Found peace in this violent game? Have you taken up some apparently immensely powerful kind of meditation?

Rödluvan: No, Snövit is just inept at explaining even the simplest things. We have raided the tower of the countess and found the runes for the "Peace" runeword. Now level 15 valkyries roam the land, invincible against everything except the venomous Andy.

Maltatai: That sounds relaxed.

Snövit: Are you kidding? Finally, no more overgrown /players8 monsters! And no silly ice creatures that never melt! Instead, lots of fallen ones and their shamans, hehehehe...

Maltatai: Good, good. You must have a lot of free time now then. Have you spent it well?

Rödluvan: Quite well. We have been watching every movie and tv-show centred on old-fashioned battles and fantastic monsters!

Maltatai: Well spent, yes... Has anyone had the time for some questing now and then?

Rödluvan: Of course. I have finished the entire act 1 without much difficulty. Enlightening and taxations has been brought to the western kingdoms and Andy is beaten, AGAIN. The valkyrie really makes things convenient. And she dresses very well too. An exceptionally sound choice of colour!



Snövit: Booo! Objection! The valkyrie is one confused girl! One day she is all blue and proper but the next she drops all sense of sensibility and goes all red!



Maltatai: Perhaps you could let your minions have some freedom of expression and choose the armour they like?

Rödluvan: Don't be ridiculous!

Snövit: That was the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

Maltatai: Evidently not... I believe there was some time since you elaborated on your tactics and skills. How do you play nowadays?

Snövit: I rely on magic arrows for damage and have them maxed. Frozen ones are used for shattering corpses and stopping approaching foes. I have also built up fairly powerful guided arrows to hunt bosses with. They are expensive but can be useful out in the open field like in the first half of the act.

Rödluvan: I have had to redistribute my skill points thanks to that nagging, double-crossing, eavesdropping HAG of something that shames the Amazon community with her very existence!

Snövit: I still won.

Maltatai: OK, what is this?

Rödluvan: Snövit the slimy started to pester me about how inner sight is a white skill graphically, which should mean that only she is allowed to use it! Greedy, GHEEDY, moron! After some days of quarrelling we decided to let Kashya, Akara and Flavie arbitrate and they ruled in favour of Snövit with Flavie objecting. Since I am a woman of honour I reset the skills and went for maximum firepower instead. I will max penetrate instead of inner sight to strafe and melee with. But I will soon call for another arbitration regarding the skill slow missiles, which is rather RED and therefore Snövit should not be allowed to use it!

Maltatai: First and FOREMOST, it is I who is supposed to arbitrate here! And I rule that first, slow missiles is red-ish when cast but also creates glittering white lights on the monsters so you are both connected to it. Second, your themes do not decide what skills you may use, only what skills you may MAX. That is why Rödluvan is entitled to use magic arrow as much as she likes, for example, even if they will never be as strong and decisive as Snövit's arrows.

Snövit: WHAT!?

Rödluvan: HAHA! Na nana na naana! Na nana na naana!
Maltatai: You two are just impossible! Over and out.

[Maltacus]

Episode 11. Hot Desert Episode

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: The scorching desert sun greets the lonely wanderers as they climb the last hill. Gasping for fresh air in the exhausting heat they drag themselves towards the saving grace of the city, the shining jewel Lut Gholein, with the great sea beyond...

Snövit: And perhaps it was the warm desert wind or the sound of the ocean, but for the whole silly introduction, I slept.

Röduvan: And what was that nonsense about lone wanderers? We were not lonely. We trekked with Warrivs caravan. Besides, it is a contradiction in terms because if there are wanderers then they are more than one and not lonely.

Maltatai: Allright, allright! Forgive me so much for trying to create a resemblance of drama here. Since everyone knows what will happen story-wise somebody has to come up with a little entertainment. But I suppose you did not even feel the heat?

Rödluvan: It didn't bother me too much with my high fire resistance, and Telash has his maxed since long. Even Kasim has, despite his unhealthy association with the blue hag.

Snövit: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Ouch!

Maltatai: What's the matter?

Snövit: Too much sun for my fair, snow-white skin. Noble ladies such as I prefer the shade of a comfortable garden to the dusty streets and plains. Those are better left for the unsophisticated lower classes.

Rödluvan: How dare you! I will tell Kasim you said that!

Snövit: Be my guest. Kasim just quit his employment so I don't think you will make much impression on my corporation by slandering along with him.

Rödluvan: Appalling!

Snövit: No, appealing. Kasim and I had a bit of a...disagreement about what aura would be the most suitable. I advocated holy freeze to cool down after all this sun and fit my theme but he was, well, defiantly holding on to defiance. So I terminated the contract and hired someone much wiser and with better taste. Someone tired of the unreliable socialistic power-hungry, self-serving, corrupt moron next to me.

Rödluvan: What treachery is this?

Snövit: And now she thinks she is Zeratul.

Maltatai: I am sure you will tell us the name of your new hireling before our retirement...

Snövit: Waheed! Hahahahaha!

Rödluvan: What! Has my old mercenary defected and also succumbed to the twisted influence of the blue auras? APPALLING!

Maltatai: Well, I guess it suits your theme better than defiance, although you are very defiant too. Something tells me we better get to the questing report quickly before the entire Sin War starts to look like a skirmish compared to the Amazon conflict here...right, what have you done so far?

Snövit: Is that supposed to be funny? We are doing the exact same as before, cleaning up sewers...

Rödluvan: Your specialty.

Snövit: ...shut up, and looking for a staff and amulet that some old confused dudes left in a slimy maggot hole and in a temple with dark magic serpent-monsters. To keep them...safe?

Maltatai: Yes, I believe that is the explanation that is given. Horadric staves are split in two parts and they are in turn hidden. But obviously not too well.

Rödluvan: They worry more about their own rogue sorcerers than the legions of the prime evils. Such a thing would never occur had I been in charge! I would have inspired some team spirit and comradeship!

Maltatai: Whatever. Have I heard that before or what? So, tell me more about the questing. There must be some memorable moments.

Rödluvan: Me first! Hahahaha! Everything in order to beat Snövit in any possible way!

Snövit: Be my guest. As everyone knows, the most noble and honourable guests arrive last. The rabble and mob can start. Just go ahead.

Rödluvan: What a pathetic excuse for your embarrassing tardiness. I have blown beetles apart like porcelain dolls in a theme park. But not the cute beetles in the town of course. Sadly, they don't seem to remember meeting me in their earlier lives. What a shame. Again, the burning dead are apparently not above the scummiest of deceptions. They are "red", just like the noble and proud community comrades the Red Hoods.

Maltatai: Technically speaking, they do everything for the first time since they are spawned for the first time in nightmare, or actually spawned anew each playing session.

Rödluvan: Oh, go and inspect your quills and vulture demon feathers or whatever you scribes do! Now you are just talking nonsense again. "Gaming session", pff! Like this was just a game! Laughable! We are most serious and dedicated Amazons, I'll have you know!

Maltatai: Of course. Go on, o galactic superhero and world saviour number one.

Rödluvan: Hmpf! Well, we now come to the funniest part of the report... Wherein I triumph over Snövit in such an owning manner that the community will roll on the floor laughing at her when they read this.

Snövit: I don't like the sound of this...

Rödluvan: One of the unofficial goals for both of us is to collect the runes for the "Melody" runeword, the Ko rune being the troublemaker.

Maltatai: Ko means cow in Swedish.

Rödluvan:...

Maltatai: Just thought I would mention it. It's pretty funny actually, with the cow level and random cows scattered across the Act 1 wilderness. Sol means sun and Eld means fire, also. Tal means speech. Mal is a fish and a kind of moth. El is a shorter version of the Swedish words for electricity and electric. Tir is an old war god (can also be spelled Tyr). Gul means yellow - a yellow rune, hahaha.

Rödluvan: This is not a language lesson! Shut up or ZOD OFF!

Maltatai: Not to mention Sur, which is Swedish for sour. A sour rune... allright, allright, don't become like the rune, I won't interrupt anymore.

Rödluvan: Good. Now keep Ith shut or I won't be so Cham-ing anymore. I Shael tell you about a most amazing find in the forgotten tower (I think) where I was raiding for runes to compose a melody of my own.

Snövit: Um, Ohm, what has happened to your language? No! Mine as well! Change the subject until we are all corrupted by the Runish power!

Rödluvan: Nef-er! I SHAEL tell and brag about my triumph! On the dark floor there suddenly lay a golden Arbalest, shining in the darkness. I haz da Langer Briser! I actually found a blue light crossbow for Snövit, the second-hand, crude selection for the unsophisticated mob, you know, like her.




Snövit: Grumble... Langer Briser...Pus Spitter would suit your personality more! That is what you are!

Maltatai: I wish I had the runes for "Silence". Then the one not talking could equip it and there would be no more of this pointless bickering.

Rödluvan: There is more! I have a suit of rusted armour for you two, Snövit. We of the Red Hoods can spare some used and outdated items for the poor fellows like you pale Ice Maidens. What do you think? You may not get much sun, but then it may still be a little warm in the desert with this on. Maybe even warm enough to make you thaw a little, you frigid ice heart.

Snövit: OH! You wanna talk spoils of war, baby!?

Maltatai: What now?

Snövit: I give thee...DA LOOT!




Rödluvan: OK, thanks. I will take it all from here. Do you know where I can hire a mule to carry it all?

Snövit: "Give thee" as in a pompous and boasting presentation, not literally! Go home and work for your equipment, like the ring of social security leech, for you will get none of mine!

Maltatai: Manners! Impressive catch, Snövit, but most of the items seem not so relevant to you. They are more like...trophies.

Snövit: To the inattentive and uneducated layman, perhaps, but that is totally wrong. The epic Woestave will, together with Cleglaws gloves, give me a fearsome amount of slowing, and also Prevent Monster Heal. Muahahaha!

Maltatai: Amazon with Woestave and Cleglaws Pincers. And dependant on Peace to get a good valkyrie. Where have I heard this before?

Snövit: Oh, drop it. Just because Livexia was first doesn't give her the sole right to use the stuff. Furthermore, Twitchthroe is great for poking mercenaries like Waheed. Aldurs jagged star may be useful for its lightning damage. And yeah, we did some questing and stuff too. I melted the skellies and annoyed the greater mummies beyond belief. Holy freeze is a great aura. My guided arrows have become quite cheaper and more effective since last time. They certainly owned the summoner and his minions.

When I reached the signs I could not believe my eyes. Someone had stolen the real signs and replaced them with total crap nonsense.

Maltatai: Like what?

Snövit: It is hardly worth mentioning.

Rödluvan: They read: Snövit is better suited for gutting fish than shooting monsters, Snövit is made of rotten cheese, Snövit drinks fermented apple juice for breakfast, Snövit has a brain of lard and a ridiculous haircut, Snövit can't hit a balrog five metres away.




Snövit: IT WAS YOU!

Rödluvan: Hihihihihahahaha! (smiley with red cheeks is of course Rödluvan)

Maltatai: As silly as always. Why am I really surprised? Rödluvan, how was your continued questing?

Rödluvan: Very wholesome and healthy. Despite my fire resistance the desert was quite exhausting. One really has to take any opportunity to stretch properly when travelling and shooting through this wasteland. Tankfully, and thankfully, my trusted and PROPERLY DRESSED valkyrie tanks so well that I can do some stretching in the middle of a battle.

Snövit: I bet your fire resistance is just profound sweating. The smell must be unbearable for Telash. By the way, I find it highly irresponsible of you to stretch in the middle of a combat situation. Where is your precious solidarity with your comrades now? And your valkyries armour is sooo last Act.

Maltatai: Isn't there a lot of nagging about that valkyrie armour. Give it a rest, both of you.

Rödluvan: And my fire resistance is quite real. That was proved when I, hrm, had a little incident with a sorceress staff I found.

Maltatai: Yes?

Rödluvan: It's really not worth mentioning. It was loaded with some enchant charges and I thought I would try it out, to get a cool red colour.

Maltatai: Of course, aesthetics before Everything...

Rödluvan: But with the enormous heat here it went a little bit out of hand. But it was only temporary. I quickly ran back through the town portal to neutralise the theoretical, purely theoretical, danger of setting the town on fire.




Snövit: You idiot! Marauder! Villain!

Rödluvan: It was never any real danger! Besides, you should keep your mouth shut because the way you have been confused and absent-minded these latest days you could have covered the town in freezing and misguided arrows by mistake any minute. It's a miracle we are still alive!

Snövit: Oh, go and jump into the sewers or something. I'm perfectly focused.

Rödluvan: Only on Meshif.

Maltatai: What is this about?

Snövit: Oh, grow up! I simply thinks he's kinda nice.

Rödluvan: And you are hopelessly devoted to your crush on him...

Snövit: I hadn't really talked to Meshif before finishing Duriel but then we met when I was going to ask him to take me on a trip out to Kurast.

Maltatai: In other words, asking him out? Technically speaking.

Snövit: Maybe you could say that. I was like all nervous cause he's so good looking with his sea captain swaggering style and all that. But he was really nice and complimented my archery skills and all!

Maltatai: Oh, the archetypical mysterious sea captain. How classic. What happened to your freezing arrow?




Snövit: What? Oh, that one? Umm, hm, I, er, found it very hard to be cold to any one when talking to Meshif, especially him, so I sort of "reconfigured" my freezing arrows to a more romantic heart-warming type.

Rödluvan: Pfffffhahahahaha!

Maltatai: Ehm, not wanting to sound disrespectful, but won't that "charming arrow" have an area of effect if it is based on freezing arrows? Maybe guided arrow would have been better to start from. What if it affects everyone around, like Waheed, Telash and your valkyries? Or even Rödluvan, hehehehe. No, no arrow or spell would the amount of power required to make you two come to terms with each other... Anyway, I think you should try to get to know Meshif a bit more before you overreact too much. Something tells me he talks that way to every Amazon he meets.

Rödluvan: That's actually true. He's a real player. Just like Maltatai. It certainly takes one to know one.

Maltatai: OK, I may be a "player" but not in that way! I'm a very honest gentleman I assure you.

Snövit: Besides, I'm sure you're wrong! He was just polite when talking to you, I am sure. But to me he really put his heart and soul into those words.

Maltatai: If you say so. Enjoy your trip and watch out for mutinous first mates and krakens. Over and out.

[Maltacus]

Episode 12. Nightmarish Swamps

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: Greetings and well met! Let's get the update going without delay before the next rain and thunder gets here. Sweden is currently the home of a sorceress practising the thunderstorm spell a little too eagerly. The protagonists have now crossed the ocean and landed in the welcoming bogs and swamps of the Kurast docks, which are so stinking that they are separated from the actual city by miles of jungle. Truly a, well, nightmare.

Snövit: Oh, ha. Ha. Ha. What a clown.

Rödluvan: Don't listen to that grumpy thorned hulk. She is just sulky because she can't handle a little wind.

Snövit: I tell you it was a damned storm!

Rödluvan: Pfff! Ha! You just looked for any excuse to jump up in Meshif's arms, whining about a little gale like a little rogue! Embarrassing!

Snövit: The only thing that was embarrassing was you, but I think I managed to make a good impression despite your presence.

Rödluvan: Until you fell over and vomited in the sea. What a turn-on it must have been...

Snövit: I did not vomit! I just felt as if I would and needed to look at the water for a while.

Rödluvan: More like hanging over the water and moan for a while... I can't believe what Meshif could see in you since then.

Maltatai: I take it that Meshif acted commendably un-playerly then?

Snövit: Yes, he was great! He gave me some hard bread to chew on to get rid of the sea-sickness and then arranged a magic arrow competition so I would have something else to think of. He's so sweet! I won the competition of course, because Rödluvan ran out of mana. Hahaaahaha! Then, when we approached the docks, we were attacked by a river stalker but I slashed it in the head with the Woestave and it bled to death making the sea all red. It was soo romantic!

Maltatai: Romantic indeed... Who would not want a dead sea monster on your date?

Snövit: "dreamy eyes" "sigh"

Maltacus: "clears throat"

Snövit: Oh, ah, can you believe Meshif asked me out?

Rödluvan: No. Not at all.

Snövit: It was so great, we dined at the docks watching the sunset and eating a classy fish supper.

Maltatai: The whole town is the Kurast docks and you tell me you dined at the docks! No kidding? I would never have guessed.

Snövit: I was wearing a stylish blue dress and, since Meshif is a seafarer and bound to like fish and such, fishnet stockings and a necklace of seashells!

Maltatai: Yeah, we're so interested... Did you use fish-scent perfume too?

Snövit: Of course not! Just how stupid do you think I am? I would never do anything that smart, I'm way stupider than that!

Maltatai: ...

Rödluvan: ...

Snövit: I meant I would never do anything that stupid, I'm way smarter than that, of course. Aaaah! Just let's move on to the questing!

Maltatai: Excellent idea. Time for some gory battle reports. Now amaze the audience with all the thrilling escapades of you and your minions.

Snövit: I bought a breastplate with sockets where I placed a sapphire and damaging jewels, but the useless thing didn't turn blue, it just turned my toes blue! What crap!



Maltatai: Turning ones toes blue! I've never heard of armour that does that.

Snövit: You've never dropped the armour on your toes. I can tell you they turn very, very blue.

Rödluvan: How can you stand that whining little brat? Just complaining about everything to hide her own clumsiness.

Snövit: Go and play in one of the flayer cauldrons, will you? I wonder, the flayers can hardly reach up to the edge of their cauldrons - how do they stir and spice up the contents? Perhaps their chefs are as respected as their shamans and sit on the shoulder of other flayers? OR, maybe the shamans ARE the chefs? That would explain why they try to roast me every time they come near with that fiery chilli breath. Anyways, dessert was served early the days I came by and shot them all into ice cream for Waheed and my valkyrie to shatter. Guided arrow rules against shamans.

Rödluvan: I beg to differ, no actually I demand to differ. It is strafe and exploding arrow that rule against flayers.

Maltatai: I will beg to differ once the next difficulty level begins...ahem, were there any memorable moments in the jungle?

Snövit: Yes, I held a bridge all on my own in a very heroic fashion. It was just like 300 actually, but just one and with no beards. And less shouting. And with archery.

Rödluvan: Can you believe that the mouldy, dusty, tattered tome of Lame Esen was in the same temple as before?

Maltatai: Isn't it Lam Esen's tome?

Rödluvan: No, someone who hides his tome in the same place even when the world is remade and reversed is surely lame. Not cool at all.

Snövit: The council of the European Union...ahem, Zakarum...had seen it fit to add new items to the agenda of enchantments but it did not save them. Down with parliamentarism! Bow to queen Snövit!



Maltatai: Quite the individual freedom we will enjoy in your liberal way to govern a state...

Snövit: Strict measures are in order to combat the nasty red party, which are obviously evil. Just look at the hydras, councillors, undead flayers and flame spiders.

Rödluvan: Not to mention the hideous undead stygian dolls, drowned corpses, gloams and zakarumites. The legions of evil indeed.

Maltatai: Any good items found lately?

Rödluvan: Yes, I did, I did, I did! I got a red ballista, lovely colour but my UNIQUE ARBALEST is better.

Snövit: Yes I seem to recall you mentioning that one before. But go ahead, just gloat about it like a spoiled brat.

Rödluvan: AND I have found myself a red/orange axe that slows the target. But it only require one hand to use! Hahaa! Beat that, Snövit!

Snövit: What!?



Snövit: Bah, it doesn't have Prevent Monster Heal nor Open Wounds or Freezes Target. Pathetic.

Maltatai: But the ability to carry a shield is worth a lot sometimes. With a halberd you can stand behind a minion and be safe but a shield is likely preferable when facing bosses and such. I would say both weapons are equally useful but it is extremely stylish and lucky that you got a blue and red "axe" respectively and not the other way around. On the other hand, it is a bit ironic that Rödluvan, who would make the most of a weak but fast bow with her maxed elemental arrows, have found the slow but powerful arbalest. That thing would be quite fearsome together with Snövit's guided arrows. Well, well, hopefully Snövit will find some good bow soon.

Snövit: Of course I will! And then the collective socialists shall tremble!

Rödluvan: Not nearly as much as the solitary capitalists once I have upgraded!

Maltatai: Ahem? Prime Evils anyone? Now, as you are about to go to hell...oh, right, I forgot! How was Mephisto?

Rödluvan: Yaawn...

Snövit: Pfffhaha...what a loser.

Maltatai: Obviously a grave danger as everyone can hear... So, as you are about to go to hell, what are you wearing?

Rödluvan: What kind of question is THAT?!

Snövit: I SAY! The corrupting indecency of the three is spreading even to chroniclers!

Maltatai: What? Oh, give me a break... I meant what kind of equipment/gear/armour/weapons you are using! Honestly, just because Amazons look like Barbie dolls (except for the starvation) and dress like a rogue doesn't mean everyone gets obsessed of you!

Snövit: Oh. Right. That kinda makes sense.

Rödluvan: Ahem. Yes.

Snövit: I have the following noteworthy items:

Snövit's Woestave (so cool, so cool, so cool and so blue)
Zephyr in a Cedar bow (so weak, so weak, so weak, MUST find new bow)
Breastplate with damaging jewels that is yellow but makes your toe blue
Crown with 3 perfect topazes
Amulet and light plated boot of luck
Ring with life leech and some cold resistance
Ring with magic finding and lightning resistance
Cleglaws Pincers (woooo! archer grail!)

My resistances are lousy, barely white. Only lightning resistance is a bit higher, at 43. I have extra gloves with magic finding and an amulet with a little resistance along with magic finding, to use if things get dangerous. And I also have a blue crown and can borrow a circlet from Waheed to get some more resistances.

Waheed has Twitchthroe and a circlet with fire resistance that he will not need ( he's got 71 naturally). He wields Strength in a Partizan, which works but isn't great.

Rödluvan: My awesome equipment is this:

Langer Briser (great, great, great...but slow)
Pompeiis Wrath and Sigons shield (must get another one, who on earth would want a WHITE shield, "shudder")
Circlet of luck
Greyform
Amulet with mana leech and prismatic resistances (awesome thing)
Nagelring
Ring with magic finding and mana leech
Blood crafted belt
Greaves with luck and lightning resistance
Gloves with increased attack speed, magic finding and cold resistance (nice little rare)

Telash the Enlightened has a rare tulwar, Rockfleece, Duskdeep and ancients pledge in a kite shield. I have many perfect gems waiting to be set in a crown or socketed armour but all suitable ones are hidden from me. Booo. It would be sooo awesome to have a red gothic plate. I have a manald heal ring and blood gloves as reserve, and ruby light plated boots with faster running. They look great, latest fashion. Thanks to my charming charms I have good fire and lightning resist (59 and 71) but easily gets cold in this, hrm, limited armour and my stomach has been a bit upset by all the rotting swamp food in Kurast (-18 poison resist and 22 cold resist).

Maltatai: Isn't red always the most fashionable according to you?

Rödluvan: So? That doesn't make it less fashionable.

Maltatai: Of course not. How could I overlook that detail? Next episode will be about the fiery pits of the nightmarish Act IV, where danger lurks behind each shadow. Will Rödluvan get a Rhyme tower shield before she faces Diablo? Will Snövit find a decent bow at last? Don't miss the thrilling tale with a catchy title I have yet to invent. Over and out.

[Maltacus]

Episode 13 Diablo the Brown

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: The burning ashes and smouldering craters of putrid, poisonous fumes presented a view that would sap the wits and strengths out of the strongest of warrior. Luckily, no strong warriors stepped into the ruins of the Råsunda football arena after another struggle between AIK and DIF or HIF (Swedish football teams of different parts of Stockholm, each more or less infamous for badly behaved supporters). Instead, two small teams of three each pushed their way across the Outer Steppes by cheesily keeping their distance and shooting down the helpless demons and dumb knights...doom knights, sorry...unfortunate enough to appear. It...

Snövit: HEY! WHAT THE HECK are you writing!? May I remind you that I was still stuck with a ZEPHYR in a CEDAR BOW at that time! It was SLOOOOOW, and not cheesy at all!

Rödluvan: Wow, boasting about her lack of good gear. That's something I wouldn't have expected out of that one.

Maltatai: Oh, pardon me. I just thought that the demons of the burning hells were completely and totally obliterated by your icy arrows and fearsome minions. But maybe I was mistaken.

Snövit: Well, I did of course kick their tails, figuratively speaking. And the frost aura of Waheed is agony incarnated for the hellish demons that we encounter, along with his strengthy poleaxe and my trusty peaceful valkyrie.

Maltatai: In other words, you cheesed right through the entire act by staying out of range of the enemies and freezing them.

Snövit: I, no, aargh!, what do you expect?! WE'RE FREAKING BOWAZONS!

Rödluvan: But I'm also a tough and sturdy Tankazon on occasion, roaming the Outer Steppes with my fearsome axe and shield. VERY cool and unusual if I may say so myself.

Maltatai: But you may not, because now we will talk about you adventures one at a time. I have so many screenshots to cover that it will turn into an even greater mess than usual if I try to deal with the act area by area like usual with you two interrupting me and each other with confusing banter every second phrase. Snövit got through the act first and thus we will first learn about her adventures.

Snövit: HAHAAA!

Rödluvan: Bah, the guest of honour always arrives late.

Snövit: Exactly, and the unwanted guest arrives even later and isn't allowed in because the doors have been locked to keep the collective filth out!

Maltatai: Drop it! I'm trying to edit here! Snövit, I understand that you found the early parts of the burning hells quite easy?

Snövit: Yeah, I practically blow through it like a non-druid hurricane!

Rödluvan: Yeah, you blow, that's for sure...

Snövit: Let me be customer-friendly and ask you a simple question: Which end of Woestave would you like shoved into your guts, and from which direction?

Maltatai: Hrm, let's...no, why do I even bother trying... So you got far into the ash and dust. Did you meet someone interesting?

Snövit: Yeah, the reincarnated and re-fallen Izual, with his very stylish colours. A shame he never drops some kind of unique personal armour of shining blue. He is one cold and insensitive bastard, AND I AM NOT SO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, RÖDLUVAN!




Maltatai: What delicate sensitivity. Truly touching.

Snövit: After the plains of the despairing boredom lay the damned city where there is a waypoint and stairs down to some flaming river. Wow, you really get to curse things when playing and talking about this game! The river had the same blackened stone shore/causeway thing to walk on as before. Hephasto had gotten himself some new enchantments (a funny thing is; when he had died, his sandal appeared to emit a sound that sounded closely like the Word "enchantment" when you held it close to your ear). They were actually quite smart, with the pulse aura ensuring cursedness of all enemies and a complement to the physical damage. On the other hand, it is often a gross over-doing of only physical damage that is the most dangerous.

Be that as it may, Waheed and my valkyrie tanked well and I knocked him off his balance and back with my arrows. Eventually he was just at the bank of the flaming river! Then Waheed thrust his mighty spear-looking partisan into the chest of the toad demon and heaved him into the lava! What a spectacular ending and culmination it looked to be - like Terminator II and the Return of the King movie (had it been good enough to be worthy of the story it was based on) and all the other throwing-stuff-into-fire-ending-scenes in one. Unfortunately (at least I thought so then) the demons of the burning hells are not really harmed by the flaming river. Their aversion to it has more to do with their idea of hygiene, or lack of it - they are simply to lazy to take a bath. When Hephasto fell in he just floated on his belly fat or inflated ego or whatever it was and mocked us in a scandalous fashion!



Maltatai: "silent chuckle"

Snövit: What? Did you wish to say something?

Maltatai: Eh, hehe, please continue. You mentioned something of wielding the Zephyr bow previously. Am I to understand that you now use something else, presumably more suitable?

Snövit: YES! Among the remains of Hephasto, which I was so glad had not ended up in a burning way, lay nothing less than KUKO SHAKAKU!!! Ahu, ahu, ahu!!! (Spartan chanting from mindlessly violent movie with a numerical title that Amazons liked).




Maltatai: Congratulations! That must have been a most welcome find. Highly useful, with the + skills and piercing, as well as fire damage giving you a third element along with cold and physical damage which your mercenary happens to be wielding too. Hmm, wait a second, will you now also be able to fire exploding arrows?

Snövit: Yes! Aaahahahahaaa! I now embody all the bow-skill damage types! I am truly the ultimate archer and really the incarnation of Amazon skill and grace, probably a sign from Athulua and the others that I, Snövit, shall be the chosen herald and sole champion of my...our...people!

Maltatai: Are you going to sell shoes? Along with the news service?

Snövit: Shoes??? What the...SOLE as in THE ONLY/THE ONE not as in shoes or feet! And herald as in the pompous god-buddy way, not as an actual distributer and bringer of news! By Hefaetrus burning beard, how much dumber can you get? Now look at the difference in numbers and be amazed!

Maltatai: What am I supposed to be amazed by? That looks like what you might expect when switching to such a superior bow.

Snövit: Bah! You are just hopeless! No sense of proper respect or awe. After the epic battle with the fearsome and dangerous Hephasto I stepped up to the anvil of the hellforge and put down the soulstone on it. Funnily enough, I don't remember bringing it to with me but it seemed to end up there anyway - not like the Horadric staff. But perhaps the Prime Evils are simply more technologically advanced? Although it was a pity to smash something so beautiful (=blue) I was rewarded with the supremely useful Lum rune.

Diablo's minions in the sanctuary did not suffice to stand up to the holy freeze and freezing arrows. The lord of terror had obviously seen my new bow and impressive skills because he went green with envy. Then he felt the icy hand of death clawing at him and witnessed the mind-numbing portable ice age known as freezing arrow firsthand. Needless to say, he was frozen in terror.



Unable to cope with the setback in a sensible way, the unsportsmanlike devil resorted to foul cheating by evil forces. The scum TRAPPED me! The outrage! Scandalous! Although the bones are white and shining...Maybe I could get some to trap Rödluvan...

Rödluvan: I heard that!

Snövit: I am proud to announce that all my employees survived the battle! After I found chance guards, along with stylish but beautiful gothic plate armour and a very outdated bow, they can look forward to generous cash bonuses!



Maltatai: That's a bit of a surprise. You have never really struck me as one to part willingly with you money unless forced to, and now you are handing out bonuses to minions who are magically bound to you. Very honourable, Snövit.

Snövit: What are you talking about? I will get generous cash bonuses from the monsters I shoot and my employees can look forward to the great feeling of seeing me get rich. Hand out bonuses to the employees! What a silly though...

Maltatai: "facepalm"

Rödluvan: Something like that would never occur had I been able to had my way and unionize the minions of the world...under my executive leadership of course...to stand up against the foul capitalism of Aunt Scrooge over there!

Maltatai: No, then they would all be collective slaves in the single, state controlled producer on the non-existing market and bound to do your bidding despite wanting to decide for themselves.

Snövit: Exactly!

Malattai: ...whereas under your guidance everyone is free to do whatever they like, only deprived the economical means to do anything else than what you want. Well, over to Rödluvan. How was your trip through the burning hells?

Rödluvan: Why is it called the burning hells? This is hell, as simple as that.

Maltatai: Well, ah, it will become clear in time. Hrm.

Rödluvan: There certainly isn't anywhere more hellish than here, at least. Fire resistant enemy after fire resistant enemy after fire immune enemy. "sigh" I had to amuse myself in every way possible just to get ahead. The new crowbill was fun, casting volcanoes from time to time. And I found the weirdest of axes, Spellsteel.

Maltatai: Wow, that ought to prove interesting! Let's see...you can cast decrepify on fire immunes to make them easier to handle or very dangerous strong meleers to outrun them, teleport (very useful ability for bowazons, I happen to know from experience...) and holy bolt to heal the valkyrie or even Telash? I've never heard of that being viable but one never knows.

Rödluvan: Now, hold up there! It was I who found it, not you! So don't get overly enthusiastic. Besides, would I, Rödluvan, use a BLUE and WHITE curse like decrepify or spell like holy bolt? The thought!

Maltatai: "sigh" Why did I make you so fanatic... If Snövit uses fiery arrows as backup why can't you use blue-white spells? Ah, lifetap is good too and lasts much longer so maybe that's better. At least teleport is more neutral.

Rödluvan: Still a white and animation when cast.

Maltatai: Just keep telling your story, you brat.

Rödluvan: "baffled expression" The... How dare... HMPF!!! Izual, the obvious traitor - being blue - dropped a Nagelring. I wonder if you can construct Nagelfar if you gather enough Nagelrings?



Maltatai: Built from the fingernails of the dead... One would have to be careful with the skills then, because being made of bone it would probably be subject to the "unsummon" ability just like a common skeleton.

Rödluvan: Later I stumbled upon heaps of ash, piles of dust, lost souls and Venom Ward. The latter might be useful if I ever decide to stay up late and drink with Alkor, Asheara, Hratli and Ormus again. I can't believe how Telash could stand that stuff... I also found the Stormstrike Outdated Bow. Just like the capitalist Snövit. Is this some sort of ironic joke by the game?

Maltatai: At least it is a constant truth that the game showers you in items someone else would have great use for and items that are a complete mockery of your build.

Rödluvan: Fire is not completely useless but the general awesomeness of a maxed and synergised skill is lost. I guess this is what strafe is for but I certainly could use a faster weapon. Otherwise, open wounds and lightning damage make for a good complement to the somewhat lacking physical damage.

Maltatai: Lightning damage which has...which colour, I wonder?

Rödluvan: Whi...shut it! Don't try to say anything about Hephasto - he was blue and evil and that's it. And before you start blabbering about some utter nonsense like it being because of cold damage from me or something like that I'll have you know that he sported an unholy HOLY FREEZE aura just like the traitorous moron of Snövit and the despicable Duriel. The legions of the damned, all of them! But I got a Pul rune from the equally evil (=blue) soulstone. Ha!



Snövit: If you actually used the contents of your presumably almost empty skull you would remember that Blood Raven the very corrupted rogue is shooting fire arrows and that both Andariel and Mephisto live among big pools of red blood, just like those caused by the open wounds effect! Not to mention Baal who is clearly more than maximising DECOY just like a certain little collective clot-head I have the displeasure of knowing.

Maltatai: Theoretically, if you combined your runes and a perfect emerald you could upgrade Kuko Shakaku to a very awesome elite item, or Langer Briser to a slightly less awesome elite item! But that is perhaps not very likely to happen, hehehe...

Rödluvan: Me?! With her?! Cooperation between state and private sector!?

Rödluvan and Snövit: I say!

Maltatai: I seem to recall a faint memory of a plan about you two being supposed to tell about your adventures ONE AT A TIME! Rödluvan, continue.

Rödluvan: Well, the river of flame offers excellent archery opportunities and my valkyrie and decoy sufficed to keep me rather safe. The Chaos Sanctuary is hideous. The few redeeming features it has are that no monster can raise the others and that you can retreat without much difficulty in most cases. The dumb knights are the hardest because they are harder to hit but the inferno from the venom lords is quite nasty to be caught in.

I had saved the seal of the Infector of Souls to the last. The others were handled without any notable setbacks but this one was in a dead end, the infamous trapping layout. I hoped that my valkyrie would be up to the task of tanking them so I could strafe the lot but the damned demons had fanaticism! Eugh! And it turned into a total failure. My valkyrie was falling apart, she is a peaceful soul after all...

Maltatai: Spare me...

Rödluvan: Hehe, just had to say that. "sigh" So I jumped back to get them, hoping that my valkyrie would do her job and engage them as soon as we exited the portal and that Telash would do his job and keep a little distance. He did not. Poor Telash was more or less stairtrapped, or rather portaltrapped, and burned to ash and slashed apart by the overgrown demon blades. I realised that this was the wrong way to approach and left again and ran from the waypoint instead from where we could draw out the scumbags a few(er) at the time. It was a quite embarrassing mistake, I must confess, not going to the waypoint at once as is the proper way to handle this situation.

Snövit: Something like that would never have happened had I been in charge.

Maltatai: ENOUGH! "enough" "enough" "enough" (echoes like when Baal says it in the intro to Act V). I will take your statement...into consideration. Meanwhile, mercenary deaths are NOT to be subject of smug sneering.

Snövit: Ehm, Maltatai? You haven't picked up any strange yellow stones lately, have you?

Rödluvan: What was this shaking? It felt just like when Diablo appeared.

Maltatai: It is the sound of someone putting the proverbial foot down. Now, Rödluvan, did you melee Diablo this time also?

Rödluvan: I actually did. And Telash had been resurrected but the big damned, flaming, clotted, moronic, mosquito-brained, tick-souled slime-head first cast his bone prison so Telash couldn't move and then burned him apart with the lightning breath. It's not damn fair!



I grabbed my trusty kris and screamed something at him about whether or not he remembered being stabbed by this last time, which didn't work since he had his memory reset or is a new Diablo or whatever. But I'm still queen stabbity-stab, which the devilish internal organs can confirm! Then I had to get Telash back another time. Bloody Tyrael! How dare he demand money for resurrections!

Maltatai: Yes, Tyrael... How did he manage to slither his way out of Amazonian wrath over the fiasco with the worldstone?

Snövit: And over his cowardly way of taking flight immediately after meeting us in Tal Rashas Tomb! That angelic aardvark may fake ignorance but I'm dead sure I caught a glimpse of his sneaky eyes, I mean his sneaky emptiness under his hood!

Rödluvan: The faceless cur!

Maltatai: I guess you were not too pleased to see him - at least not in good health - now, then?

Rödluvan: No. As soon as we saw him we rushed at the enemy!

Maltatai: Is he an ex-angel now?

Rödluvan: Nah, we showed mercy...after a while...

Snövit: In return he promised to create some sort of shadow world of how it was before the worldstone incident, but very easy (1 player setting), where we could hunt for items. While I am obviously waaay overqualified for that the lesser populace found it interesting.

Rödluvan: Blablabla... I actually found Cleglaws Pincers - RED as they are they rightfully belong on my hands - by the help of a very nice little Durance map.



Maltatai: What is the rune writing?

Rödluvan: Some kind of advertisement. Something about dwarfs and Midgard. The capitalistic plague seems to spread everywhere nowadays.

Maltatai: Congratulations anyway, now you can both slow enemies by up to 75%. Then they will almost be as slow as the Swedish justice system...no, that's an exaggeration, for that you would need at least twice the amount of slowing. If Snövit could borrow Spellsteel to decrepify a foe that was also affected by Waheed's holy freeze one might get something of similar speed. But, as mentioned, something like that is not likely to happen. The next episode will...

Snövit: Yes, yes, can I go now?

Maltatai: Why the hurry?

Snövit: I must get back to Meshif! It's been ages since our last date (it feels like that at least).

Rödluvan: But he told you to go to hell.

Snövit: He did NOT.

Rödluvan: Yes he did. I heard him.

Snövit: Only in the most technical sense of the word. I told him about Diablo escaping to hell and having to go after him for a while. He was unhappy with the idea but very understanding and wished me good hunting and such.

Rödluvan: And so he told you to go to hell.

Snövit: That's not the same!

Rödluvan: Yes it is. I'm not saying he said "go to hell" literally but he still told you to go to hell. You admit it yourself.

Snövit: I do not and he did not!

Rödluvan: Yes he did...
Maltatai: "clutches his ears" Over and out.

[Maltacus]

Episode 14. Magic Finding Race 1

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: Welcome, welcome to the first rally of the Nightmare Magic Finding Cup, the well known frantic looting and cubing and gambling spree before moving on to he...more difficult challenges! First out is Rödluvan who has covered a lot of ground in Act V! Rödluvan, how goes the looting and questing?

Rödluvan: Actually, better than ever! First, I have at last found a four-socket gothic plate, those legendary farming outfits. I did of course put only three topazes in it and added a perfect ruby for the colour. Totally gorgeous! Look!

Maltatai: Stylish, stylish, I agree. It must feel great to finally get to use those gems.

Rödluvan: Later I also bought a jewellers crown with three sockets, where I have put two more topazes, with another one soon to come. Queen of magic finding and style I will be! I also have found the Grand Crown of Thieves - excellent or collectiong taxes in both coin and blood from capitalistic demons! With the new luck I raided Andariels wardrobes and cupboards back at the monastery. I found the excellent little piece of cutlery known as Spineripper and...stop drooling! What is it with you and this dagger?

Maltatai: Ignores Target Defence AND Prevent Monster Heal...in one weapon - and good damage...

Rödluvan: Yes it is rather neat. I also found an icy blue hatchet which I of course sold, as well as a white Brandistock that steals blood. White bloodsucker and leach...sounds like Snövit.

Snövit: I heard you, you miserly maniac!

Rödluvan: Speaking of the witch, and speaking of which, I also found a mask crafted exactly in resemblance of Snövit! It was almost scary to behold. It's a stark contrast to this lovely red jewel of fervor that I am thinking of putting into my crown if I decide to have it socketed.



Snövit: I do not look like that!

Rödluvan: It even has blue horns to amplify the similarity.

Snövit: There is no similarity! You must have picked up a mirror and looked into it. That would truly be a horrifying sight!

Maltatai: Think of me then, who has to watch both of you...

Rödluvan and Snövit: What!?

Maltatai: As I was just going to ask, did you do any questing, Rödluvan?

Rödluvan: Yeah, beat Shenk and freed the trapped morons and such. And Anya has STILL not learned to get proper clothes for this cold or enough politeness to stay and thank me or let me go in her portal! She's a total brat! I have at least picked up this large and padded armour. Maybe Nihlatak wanted to save her to make a giant Bratwurst to celebrate his victory? Nilly was worrying but I managed to lure out enough minions to sneak in through a small passage at the south and got myself to a clear corner. From there he was soon toast.

Maltatai: Bratwurst, toast? Any special reason for this sudden fixation with food?

Rödluvan: Well, there just isn't very much to eat on those vast steppes and the city supplies taste like wood. The demon meat tastes like murky, rotten wood.

Maltatai: I never knew you had eaten that. The diet of the Amazonian Islands is really fascinating.

Rödluvan: A figure of speak, of course! And once I at last found a decent restaurant it just had to be closed for the season! Aaaargh!



Maltatai: Closed for the season?

Rödluvan: Yes, it seems to only be open (or rather only serving food because it was literally open since the doors were hacked apart) during the non-siege season.

Maltatai: I see. I shall file a complaint to the heavenly travel agency.

Rödluvan: Yeah, you do that. Any reason to kick Tyraels nether parts is a good reason. I am also proud to report significant improvements in my - our - collective education and enlightment programme. Lot's of enlightment is brought to the uneducated and unappreciating masses by Telash. There is truly an intellectual darkness obscuring these illiterate lands and underground, but not too dark for my eyes to penetrate to let me strafe down targets out of sight, muahahahaha!

Maltatai: Have you gained much experience then, from all this educative (such foul words we're using) enlightment?

Rödluvan: Oh yes! I actually once cleared the repopulated area close to Harrogath on /players8 just to try it out. It worked all right, as I wore full battle gear. Blood for the blood goddess!



Skulls for the skull throne!



Maltatai: Indeed a worship-inspiring sight... The icy minons of Baal here must be quite good targets for your explosions. How far have you pushed into the Barbarian lands?

Rödluvan: I have claimed every waypoint up to the Ancients Way. I will probably stay to level and equip up a bit more before facing them. I have heard that Talic is especially despicable for fire-users.

Maltatai: Eugh, don't mention his name! You are totally correct. Did you find anything useful in Act V, or have you just looted Andys storerooms?

Rödluvan: I actually took a peek in the Tower too. I have now assembled three Io runes, just a flawed topaz from having everything required to upgrade to elite weapon! Speaking of runes, a very pleasant surprise awaited me on the icy floor of the Ancients Way:



Maltatai: Nice one! Treachery beckons? And new battle gear boots I see.

Rödluvan: I think so. Another option would perhaps be Passion in a good elite bow if I could get my hands on one. The blinding and scare effect would mean terrific and terrifying crowd control with strafe. And I already have knockback too from cleglaws pincers. But that may leave me a bit short on damage against fire/physically resistant and immune enemies, which are quite common. Baals minions of destruction spring to mind.

Maltatai: Another option may be to make a melee Passion weapon and take advantage of Berserk, since you have a shield and such high Penetrate skill.

Rödluvan: Berserk? But that is...white. Never!

Maltatai: Just a thought. You already have three element so it may not be necessary. Nice ring by the way, are you thinking of using it along with Venom?

Rödluvan: I was, but Poison Dagger will only give short of three seconds duration - far too short. Maybe javelins with poison javelin charges but that isn't really me.

Maltatai: No, don't go there. I can't edit the thread title so you'll have to stay bowazons. Will you upgrade Langer Briser when that time comes?

Rödluvan: Tricky. It IS slow, but it has open wounds and lightning damage and going crossbow-ing is something that is less common and different from Snövit. It's a great weapon in nightmare with its magic find and I have grown attached to it. Upgraded and with Venom added it will certainly be enough for all that comes but what if I should find a better weapon?

Maltatai: The eternal question and dilemma. Or why not upgrade Spineripper?

Rödluvan: Ha! You and your precious Spiney.

Maltatai: It is cool to be a daggerzon too and you did really well against Diablo. Perhaps a path to consider if you find Goblin Toe at least? Fire from distance, physical from melee range?

Rödluvan: "clears throat" Meaning that I should go up to fire enchanted enemies and melee them?

Maltatai: Hrm, that may be a bit of a drawback... At least you have quite some levels left to find a new bow or crossbow and other stuff, being in the mid-sixties.

Rödluvan: I don't look...like...old, do I?

Maltatai: No, not a level above 64, I promise you.

Rödluvan: Why you...

Maltatai: Relax! You look as young as when you first appeared out of nowhere in the normal Rogue Camp without even a bow.

Rödluvan: Hrm, was just wondering.

Maltatai: Next episode will be about the exploits of Snövit and the loot with which she hopes to trump Rödluvan and (other, according to her) hellish creatures.Over and out.

[Maltacus]

Episode 15 Magic Finding Race 2

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: In this second part of the first round of looting we will take a look at (surprise) the progress of Snövit!

Snövit: You already said that at the end of the last episode.

Maltatai: I'm just making a suitable introduction which fits into the style of the story.

Snövit: I see. Then it's understandable.

Maltatai: How are the northern realms?

Snövit: Bad. The bloody foothills greeted me with super-speeded foul crows with the worst oral hygiene known to humans since Fraxlus the Foul-Mothed Mojomancer!

Maltatai: Who on earth is that?

Snövit: Nobody. Just a funny name invented to underline the troublesomeness of the foul crows. In my frustration I even turned to higher powers for guidance and prayed at a gem shrine. I was rewarded with a gleaming yellow little stone. A topaz, don't get it the wrong way. I'm not Marius. A bit further into the foothills I found a really splendid druid helm - no wonder that the alpha male or female becomes pack leader if wearing such lovely blue!

Far more useful to me was a charming charm of cold resistance. Cold, obviously the mightiest element since I specialize in it, is something you really should protect yourself from. Shenk felt the cold of my mighty arrows along with immolation arrow, which was fun to try out.

Maltatai: Still Snövit Bluefoot I see.

Snövit: Bah! But no longer! I have finally conquered a farming plate - meaning of course socketed gothic plate - and now wear the most stylish armour imaginable. Watch and be amazed by the style and grace.



Maltatai: A question spring to mind... are you now feeling blue, wearing that armour?

Snövit: Of course not! How can you feel anything else than great in such outfit?

Maltatai: Ask Rödluvan... Hmmm, how about if I should switch your armours some day, and you would wake up with a red plate...

Snövit: Don't even think about it!

Maltatai: It's probably no danger... 'cause my GoMule doesn't work. Can't seem to find out what's wrong. But you're going untwinked so it's OK anyway. How about looting for your part?

Snövit: It's been interesting but not great. I actually found the mask...

Rödluvan: Ha! I knew it! Looks just like you, doesn't it?

Snövit: Go play in mud pool, you pig... No it didn't suit me but Waheed wears it. The strength bonus will be nice for him and the scare effect is actually useful sometimes since he has ranged support from a certain someone. Then I raided Eldricht, with Peace equipped, and got a nice little golden ring. But not the puny little Nagelring or Manald Heal of Rödluvan, but Dwarf Star! Money, money, money!



Later I rescued some Barbarians who had a very stupid captor, having locked himself up along with his prisoners. With such stupid guards, it is a wonder they hadn't escaped by themselves already, especially since they had the ability to cast a townportal!

Maltatai: Who knows, maybe the door was a magic seal that made it impossible to leave the rickety fence?

Snövit: Come on, how far-fetched can you get?

Maltatai: Just trying my best. You need this kind of benevolent and generous imagination if you try to write fan fiction of games. Especially ones with such shallow storytelling and quests as Diablo II.

Snövit: From one thing to another; you know about those little gateways to small hellish isles in the middle of seas of flame?

Maltatai: Yes, those are quite hard to explain too. Are they some kind of vacation programme for the demons, to warm up between the work days in the cold northlands? Like, direct lines to small vacation islands that are normally connected to the Chaos Sanctuary by boat- and airlines? Infernal Airlines - always hellish and infernally bad service?

Snövit: Maybe. Isn't there something like that in your world, Maltatai?

Maltatai: Yes! You're right! It's called Ryanair. But what about these burning isles?

Snövit: I have now confirmed that Rödluvan is indeed a fiery demon and creature from hell. I have pictures to prove it!

Rödluvan: What the [where Snövit belongs] is this?

Maltatai: Let's see then.



Rödluvan: YOU DESPICABLE FOUL FLAYERHEADED TAINTEDMOUTHED STYGIAN SUCCUBUS! LIES! SLANDER!

Maltatai: What the...must be some psychological warfare from Baal, trying to sow dissent or something among the enemy. As if more of that would be needed...

Snövit: Hahahahahahihihihihi!

Malatatai: Very funny. Do you have any more escapades to share?

Snövit: Yes, I got a shield that may be good if I have to stand too close to Rödluvan. Are the barbarians called so for having barbs? I mean Barb-arian! Or maybe it's from Bar-barian? But they don't deserve that name, because their tavern or restaurant was closed when I arrived too! Boo! I'm gonna buy the place myself and show how it's supposed to be done.

Maltatai: Nice boots. All white, and maybe enough bonuses to be viable along with the belt?

Snövit: Yeah, maybe. Resists are a little low but life stealing is really nice to have. My radar has been working so badly until I got some life stealing. And I can't believe how anyone, even that red hag, could find this lovely axe ugly? It's excellent. Sad I'm not an axezon.

Maltatai: Just an axe-zone, with that and Woestave next to you...

Snövit: Oh, how lame we are today, apparently. Except me, who is cool. As cool as the maxed, if unsynergised, Frozen Arrow I now have! Fear me!

Maltatai: Fear, fear, shudder, shudder. Have you got to the Ancients Way too, now?

Snövit: No. I have the waypoints up to the Way, but haven't taken down Nilly - got stuck at Pindleskin. I happen to own and rule at running him, except when the bugger spawns cold enchanted. Bloody copyright infringement!



He must think I'm a carrot-headed, shambling bearheaded clot...

Maltatai: Also known as druid, yes...

Rödluvan: But that charm is totally you - cold and poisonous. A pestilence of the world.

Maltatai: In any case, a potentially useful charm, two seconds longer duration than the poison charm you had before.

Snövit: Exactly! I have started experimenting with Multishot, it can be quite useful in open fields where enemies spread out. A few volleys now and then will help Waheed and my valkyrie tremendously by stopping enemy healing.

Maltatai: Woestave, Dwarf Star, Multishot and Magic Arrow. Inspired by someone?

Snövit: Allright, I may be a tiny bit of a fan of Livexia. So what? She's cool.

Maltatai: And very scary to play. DO be a bit easier than that, please. Be back next time to find out if Snövit finally will get some high runes and Rödluvan another bow. Over and out.

[Maltacus]

Episode 16. Magic Finding Finals Part 1

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: Aaaaandlookattheoffensivepowerandtherewecanseethenewtacticbythebluesnowteamsteamcaptainwhatapowerdisplayandtheyscoooore!

Snövit: What are you doing?

Maltatai: Just trying to adapt to all the sports commentary that abound in the outer realm, with the Olympic games going on and such.

Snövit: Meaning...talking absurdly quick in order to squeeze as much comments into the reporting as possible, resulting in a messy nonsense containing more of the reporters views and opinions than what is actually going on in the contest?

Maltatai: Precisely. You are well acquainted with the job I hear. But I suppose the archery contests should prove interesting?

Rdluvan: Yes! But, meh... What meekly challenges, just shooting without having to dodge enemy projectiles, switch between different arrows and other skills and aiming at stationary targets! Quite laughable. And boring. If that is possible at the same time, hmm?

Snövit: Ha! So much for your enlightening free mass education programme!

Maltatai: Now show how it's supposed to be done by enlightening us about your glimmering treasure findings.

Snövit: Glimmering it is! Glimmering shimmering swimmering in jewels! But it wasn't so good, just 10 resist all. Still, may be useful in some situation.

Rödluvan: Material girl in a material difficulty level. Meshif better watch out for that golddigger.

Maltatai: Heh, you have a point since Snövit is wearing the chance guards and has the dwarf star to add even more.

Snövit: You slandering moron! I never dig for gold. I'm a capitalist - I take over the money from the monsters that dug it up!

Rödluvan: I rest my case.

Maltatai: What else did you find?

Snövit: A large axe that had a metallic voice shouting orders to me about doing push ups and standing in useless and unpractical formations on the town squares. Weird and useless in a real battle situation.

A short blade that wouldn't look out of place in an arena. I wonder if the Barbarians I sold it to ever will arrange some contests among themselves too once this mess is over? Olympic slayi...fencing?

Maltatai: Actually there is fencing among the Olympic games, but it is a total joke. Not even real practise swords, just metal splinters that bend as soon as they make contact. Pathetic and not entertaining. With all the protection the participants wear, they could easily manage to fence with the real practise thing!

Snövit: Halberds would be cool too. I could join with Woestave. Every opponent would surely freeze in terror once hit, hehehee! I saw a nice little suit of armour at the Chaos Sanctuary. Pretty colour, but too little protection. The name is certainly worthy of me - Heavenly Garb for a heavenly babe!

Now, some sort of weird treasure god seems to have aparticularly twisted sense of humor or just bad eyes. I am not a PALADIN!

But then, those boots! Ooooh! Sooo stylish! Hahaa, I have the ultimate economy power with them and Chance guards. Now I would just need a Lem rune to make a wealthy armour too, and a second dwarf star or Nagelring.

Maltatai: Maybe even viable as main boots, if you can manage the resistances with other gear?

Snövit: Yeah, maybe. Kuko Shakaku is certainly low on the physical damage side. A nice little charm makes me even more charming and able to resist the indoctrinating "enlightenmen" of the political socialist propaganda of Rödluvan. And I am NOT a Paladin!



Snövit: Moving on, I have a crushing mace to crack open cocnuts back home but not much use for it otherwise I think - I'm no weapon-and-shield girl. And more of this religious nonsense! I am NOT A FREAKING PALADIN!

Then I found the spineripper too.

Maltatai: Y...

Snövit: NO, I will not upgrade it and become a daggerzon. Any Pul I get my hands on will go to the bow I use! So keep your mouth closed.

Using a lot of trips to the normal shadow realm and back I managed to make the path down to Mephistos storerooms look much shorter than before. Wooo! And WHAT A BELT I got down there!!!

Maltatai: Ooh, pretty. Should drive the scarabs nuts. And maybe you can use the lightning attacks against particularly immune foes, but don't overdo it. The vitality should be welcome by the way, because you are a bit low on life, below 800.

Snövit: Yes, I feel much strengthened when wearing that thing. But not quite enough to wield the interesting French maul here. It would have been nice to be able to curse Rödluvan. And the ancients, of course.

The next piece of loot gave me a bit of a dilemma. Go for a one hand slowing weapon? Shields are after all useful and you can socket shining white diamonds in them. But not, what flail could possibly rival the epic power and hot looks of an amazon with a halberd?

Maltatai: Could not have said it better myself.

Snövit: The tusk of some demon was an interesting weapon I say!

Maltatai: Yeah, that thing has a very odd collection of mods. Could be really useful, though.

Snövit: And so, the totally fabulously charming grand charm of resistance to Rödluvan!

Rödluvan: Ha! Keep dreaming. For...WE ARE THE COLLECTIVE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

Maltatai: Scary. New slogan?

Rödluvan: Slogan? Do you take us for a company? This is my - our - political motto, not some marketing phrase.



Snövit: After a particularly fierce battle of the Bloody Foothills I stumbled on a buzzing suit of scales. New suit for Waheed! Hwanins gear is supposed to be shining white but I was not impressed. Need more shine!

Oooh, the jewel! Blue fervor! Much finer than Rödluvans red worthless one.

Rödluvan: No it's not!

Maltatai: I am actually sure they both are just as good.

Snövit: You're so boring; you always assume the role of the neutral balanced neutral mediator. Except for when you become the sarcastic joker. A grand charm was trying to jump out of my inventory and hop against the enemy to bump into them and gore them. Really fanatic item.

Later, look - the suit of Rödluvan's dreams! Red, bloody and thoroughly disgusting.

Rödluvan: I will not even dignify that with a comment.

Snövit: I ran into the dreaded fabled tomb vipers at Nihlatak. Scary. I almost felt poor for Nilly when he watched his whole army of corpse explosion fuel melt away. On the way to him I ran into two packs of minotaurs. One leader was fire enchanted and extra strong. The other was cursed and had the fanaticism aura.

Maltatai: "Hides under his bed shivering in terror" Almost, at least.

Snövit: Those WOULD perhaps have been trouble if I had been one of those primitive tin-heads that the loot god seemed to think I am. But I happen to be a terribly accomplished freezing archer so they ended up as the frozen dessert of the day. Still, a notably unsettling combination worthy of note.

Later, another charming charm! Cold damage is the mightiest and it's only wise to resist it as much as possible. A small charm was creating spinach regularly. Eugh. After a while I got used to the smell and felt like no other poisons could ever harm me as much as before after this hardening experience. I scraped some spinach off it to coat my arrows in. It can replace my previous poison charm that doesn't have a resistance along with the damage.

Lastly, look at this necklace! Resists and skills and more poison damage! Might even be useful if I bring both poison charms. And the ring! SO AWESOME! The most essential things for a bowazon in one single ring! It should be called the ring of bear necessities but then the name may attract druids and we wouldn't want that.

And another amulet that will make me nigh immune to fire together with the dwarf star! Excellent if/when the final battle against Rödluvan takes place! And another charming charm of Rödluvan resistance! I'm swimming in loot, it fills up the whole picture! Need more storerooms!



Maltatai: A strong effort by the Blue Snow team! How will the Red Flames counter? Come back for the next episode to see how it goes.

Rödluvan: Red Flames? Blue Snow?

Maltatai: "Shrugs" Adaption to sports events to attract interest. Beware, the next episode may even contain sponsors!

Rödluvan: You wouldn't dare!
Maltatai: Over and out.

[Maltacus]

Episode 17. Magic Finding Finals Part 2

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: Do YOU ever get tired of the physically resistant zombie boss packs in Hell Blood Moor that makes you feel that you have entered an impossible difficulty level? Don't YOU find those ghost-over-ghost-over-ghost-over-ghost mobs so obscenely annoying that it's bordering the game-breaking? And would YOU not wish for a safe and sure way to make those Doom- and Oblivion Knight packs shut up and die a second time?

Want to be rid of everything bony and spectral from burning dead to Top Model contestants? Then Holy Bolt is the spell for you! Destroys all undead, regardless of immunities. Holy Bolt - when Sanctuary is too risky and elemental magic too expensive. Holy Bolt - a spell to trust. Holy Bolt - the sound of it will be music to your ears. Order today and you will get a discount at the Congregated Cleric Company which may be used within the next five...

Rödluvan: NOOOO! Begone foul sponsors! Marketing mischief and capitalistic conspiracy! Away with it!

Maltatai: ...AAaand after that short note from our sponsors we continue with the last part of the magic finding finals! The Red Flames are positively burning to present their counter to the last thrilling show of the Blue Snow! Over to you, Rödluvan.

Rödluvan: Just a moment, I am soon done strafing every remaining advertising personnel...

Maltatai: OK, OK, no more advertising. Happy now?

Rödluvan: Oh, yes. My second wave of awesome loot begun with an odd little throwing knife stack. Nice enhancement. The gauntlets I found later were disgustingly white.

Snövit: Sounds beautiful.

Rödluvan: To the disgusting people, naturally. A big maul looked so cool with its skull-shaped head it was hardly believable. Even less believable was the enormous damage on a normal unique item. Wooow...

Maltatai: Commonly known as Bonesnap, yes.

Rödluvan: Moving through the Bloody Foothills I managed to cause a triple volcanic eruption - very nice fireworks hahahaa! A large charm I found ensured I would not accidently get burned by the flames.

Maltatai: Fat chance, with protagonist characters being constantly immune to their own spells...but nice charm.

Rödluvan: I can also proudly announce that the Amazon Collective has recently displayed tremendous care for its servant…employees. Telash is now wearing a most enlightening skull cap that improves his flashing.

Telash: Fear me!

Rödluvan: A pair of boots were great for running bosses for items but lacked resistances. Pity.

Had I been a French Paladin I would have been happier with that hammer. WHY do we get so much melee moron equipment and so little good bows?

And I am not a Barbarian or a Druid either...

A gem shrine provided light in the darkness.

The demonhide sash was ugly but useful.

Then, finally, a real Amazon weapon! Skystrike! It can drop meteors!

Maltatai: Nice, fast bow. But will it do enough damage?

Rödluvan: It is a bit weak. I have kept it for the speed and +skills to use for fire arrows or possibly quick lightning damage against physical/fire immunes. If I had more +skills from an amulet or circlet it would perhaps be worth more than now to get the extra speed. We'll see. Such a shame it wasn't Riphook or Kuko Shakaku.

A pair of demonhide gloves were also great but outdone by a more relevant one I already wear, which have increased attack speed.



In one other charm I found a little snake resting. It must have been a very strong and sustainable charm because the snake was more or less undisturbed – phew!

After another raid through the countess' stores I was close to cubing a Lum rune!

And for the second time, I am no Barbarian, nor am I a Patriarch! But I liked the flawed topaz. It was almost as charming as the small lightning resistance charm I found.

The Iceblink was a little too late to be useful, yet it is a very interesting armour.

And now, look at those boots!

Maltatai: Good, now you can switch boots depending on what elements seem the most dangerous. That's always good.

Rödluvan: And collect extra taxes, don't forget that. Especially corporations and ice can look forward to a raise, hehehehehe!

Snövit: Over my melted arrows!

Rödluvan: You will have no chance against me! I have a large charm of cold resistance...

Snövit: 4%, ooooh I'm so scared! Not.

Rödluvan: And an Um Rune!

Maltatai: "blinks"

Snövit: "gasping for air" Not...fair...

Rödluvan: Taking advantage of the unusual peace and quiet around here, very nice indeed, I would like to add this lovely little ring here with life stealing and light resistance...I mean lightning resistance.

Once again I must note that I AM NOT A DRUID! They smell funny.

The long war bow had some stylish +skills but I found it too weak and slow. Still splendid skills focus by the bowyer.

Following the discovery of an unusually fine Shael rune...

Maltatai: Unusually fine? Aren't they all the same?

Rödluvan: To the inattentive layman perhaps. Telash assured me that this rune, which was promptly inserted in a purchased blade in the normal shadow realm, is of supreme quality.

Maltatai: I see. How comforting to be reassured by such a knowledgeable, objective and unbiased source.

Rödluvan: Yes...now, early during the first test runs for Telashs new blade I found a great green War Belt! I AM NOT A BARBA...hrm, but it still never hurts to get a new perspective of things and be open to other cultures and styles, eh, hrm, hehe...

Maltatai: I am sure that modified perspective had absolutely nothing to do with the huge resistance and strength bonuses of the belt...

Rödluvan: Yes, strength bonuses! Would you like a demonstration? Perhaps a kick in the guts?

Maltatai: I'm no barrel. You can't kick me.

Rödluvan: Nuts.

Maltatai: First guts, now nuts. Make up your mind!

Rödluvan: Fine, I spare you for now.

Maltatai: Look, there are the gauntlets of quarrelling!

Rödluvan: ???

Maltatai: Frostburn. The name can be associated with both of you, thus being a source of endless discussion and debate. Not that you need one.

Rödluvan: Thank you for the insightful comment. Now to fashion report: red is the colour of the season for boots, if you didnöt know. Someone who does know is Hsarus. AND I AM NOT A SMELLY, CLUMSY, FUR-BRAINED DRUIIIIID!!!



Maltatai: That concludes the Magic Finding Cup! I hope you have all enjoyed yourselves and your loot.

The hat medal goes to Rödluvan for the grand Grand Crown of Thieves, which is about the most stylish thing she could wear with it's massive red life stealing.

The amulet medal goes to Snövit for finding Plague Torc, the rare medal with +skills and resistances.

The armour medal goes to Snövit for finding Hwanins armour - useful armours have otherwise been mysteriously absent lately.

The ring medal goes to Snövit for the Dwarf Star.

The belt medal goes to Snövit for Thundergods Vigor.

The weapon medal goes to Rödluvan for finding Skystrike.

The boot medal goes to Snövit for the War Traveller.

The glove medal goes to Rödluvan for the Demon Touch rare demonhide gloves.

The rune medal goes to Rödluvan for her obscene luck of getting both a Lem and an Um rune.

The charm (for finding charms, NOT for being charming) medal goes to Snövit for the 30% Ruby Grand charm of Greed (30% fire resistance of course. I can't believe anyone would ask about this).

The best mercenary equipment medal goes to Rödluvan for making both a Lore hat and a Crescent Moon sword for Telash.

And the overall Winner...

Snövit: Yes?

Rödluvan: Me?

Snövit: Me?

Maltatai: ...seems to be Rödluvan at the moment due to her fantastic luck with the runes but the coming trials in the form of fierce battles with the evil legions of evil and the even more evil ancients will decide.

Snövit: WHAT!?

Rödluvan: And what does the winner get? All the loot of the loser, perhaps?

Maltatai: The winner...survives and will be immortalized in eternal glory.

Snövit: So the winner of the Cup is the one who succeeds in slaughtering the last of the incompetent sauerkraut-for-brains demons of Baal?

Rödluvan: HA! Easily done!

Telash: Exactly! Woohooo! Right!

Maltatai: What's up with him?

Rödluvan: It is some sort of after effect of the overjoying experience of receiving the Crescent Moon sword. Do you know how unusual it is for an untwinked Act 3 mercenary to get such a piece of gear? Not to mention to be hired at all in the first place... Oh, I guess you do, you seem quite knowledgeable of this world despite never appearing here. Telash has been even more mad than usual ever since he got to try out that new lightning conductor.

Telash: Lightning conductor?! What?! How dare you insult my supreme weapon like that? I'll have you know that this blade is rune-o-matic
It's systematic
It's hydromatic (on second thought it isn't, water should not be mixed with lightning spells)
I conjure greased lightning!

We'll get some overseer lifters and some four arrow strafe, oh yeah
I keep talking, whoa, keep talking
Foe intestine cutoffs and chrome plated hilt, oh yeah
I get the money, I kill to get the money
With the Ancients on the floor, loot be waiting through the door
You know from just this bit, Snowy Hag will have a fit from greased lightning
Spell spell spell spell spell spell spell spell spell spell

Rödluvan: Hahahahaha!

Snövit: Snowy Hag!?

Telash: Go greased lightning, you're burning up the demon Baal
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
Go greased lightning, you're flashing through the heat lap trial
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
I am supreme, the chicks'll scream for greased lightning

Rödluvan: You have been more effective lately but don't overdo it, ok?

Telash: I'll get some purple royal mantle and thirty inch crown, oh yeah
Olympic mountain penthouse and dual blondie twins, oh yeah
With new arcs and bolts and shocks I can get off my rocks
You know that I ain't bragging, on the house you'll get your flagon
Greased lightning
Flash flash flash flash flash flash flash flash flash

Go greased lightning, you're burning every Prime Evil
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
Go greased lightning, you're putting Tyrael to trial
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
I am supreme, the chicks will dream, of greased lightning
Bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt

Rödluvan: Now hold up there! I do not DREAM of your lightning spells!

Snövit: What the heck has gotten into your collective?

Maltatai: Keeping with the Greek lightning god delusions of grandeur theme I Think "hubris" is the correct diagnosis. Well, you'll have an interesting time in front of you, Rödluvan. Just don't rely too much on a stealthy approach to monsters.

Rödluvan: ...

Maltatai: Just a thought. I could be wrong, of course, but I think it might be hard with that singing bird behind you.

Rödluvan: Can't we talk about something else?

Maltatai: Like what?

Rödluvan: I don't know. Rabbits.

Maltatai: Rabbits?

Rödluvan: Small, furry creatures with large ears.

Maltatai: I know what rabbits are! What about them?

Rödluvan: How come they manage to survive unharmed in the middle of a battlefield with bloodthirsty demons on all sides and fiery arrows flying all over the place?

Snövit: Yes, they are totally immune to magic! Even stuff that is close to the ground like miss socialist’s volcano.

Maltatai: I don't know. Obviously some hidden power. Perhaps a bit like Khalim, whose body parts proved indestructible for the Zakarum church - just like the barbarians never manage to grill the few rabbits they manage to kill despite holding them over their fires day and night.

Rödluvan: I actually saw this rabbit superpower manifest itself once. It looked a bit like the boons from the protective shrines. Maybe it is the rabbits who have built them all?



Maltatai: I'm afraid I don't know who this mysterious Alice is either. I shall have to look it up. I'll ask around among cooperative rockers and dibbling vicars. Over and out.

[Maximinus Thrax]

The AAR looks epic, to say the least. I must read this.

[Maltacus]

Episode 18. The Nightmare Ends

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: As the sounds of grumpy muttering and coffee being made fades from the retirement home on the peak two heroines and two supportive sidekicks emerge from the dust and snow of the Worldstone keep. Proudly and arrogantly swaggering through the cheering streets (all four of them) of Harrogath they relax and breathe out of relief from having saved the world from this nightmarish nightmare.

Snövit: And then the storyteller realises that they actually stand right in front of him.

Rödluvan: And that he has really made a fool of himself by making such a melodramatic scene setting when the rest of the episode will end up in a mess of bickering and banter as ususal.

Maltatai: Hey! What self-awareness, quite unexpected. You look quite happy both of you. Would you like to share the good news you have perhaps received or experienced?

Snövit: The grumpy old fossils are down and so is Baal! Now I can travel back to Lut Gholein and buy the town as well as get serious with Meshif!

Rödluvan: And I can establish a collective federation of Amazons in the now deserted northlands. The barbarians could surely use some of our enlightening public education!

Maltatai: How was the journey to this magnificent conquests? Would you like to start telling, mighty conqueror Rödluvan?

Rödluvan: In mighty but light red battle gear I went to hell (where Meshif had not told me to go, hehe) to prebuff Fade by one of the braziers in the River of Flame. Ouch, need more absorbing gear. The demons and beast fled for me and the fury burning in my eyes. The sky, or at least the cave roof, rained lightning and the earth trembled.

Maltatai: Now who's melodramatic?

Rödluvan: Well, maybe the leaf or the conifer cone or perhaps the wind. It depends on who is the storyteller. It can be anyone, really.

Snövit: ???

Maltatai: ???

Rödluvan: Just a funny thing a Hydra Sorceress told me about once. Anyway, Madawc the Mongrel was teleporting but not very often. I guess senility has made him forget to use his powers now and then. Korlic the Coconut-head was spectral hitting. Talic the Teabags-for-Brains was extra fast so he must have finished all his tea and only had extra strong coffee to drink lately. All were old and grumpy and complaining about younger generations and their presumed ineptness. Everything was better in my time this and what has the world turned into that and the youth of today blah blah blah…

I ran down southwest to split the enemy up in a sly and cunning way. It did not work because the old-timers had some kind of obsession with crossbows. As soon as I had Langer Briser in my hands they ignored pretty much everything else and came for me. OK, I know I don't look too shabby but hey, hit on someone of your own age! Born in the same millennium at least... The volcanic wrath of Pompeii slowed them a bit and I was never really in any great danger. Even Telash could tank Korlic for quite some time before needing a rejuvie - the only potion spent apart from three mana potions. All in all an embarrassing fail for the retirement home.

Maltatai: Excellent!

Rödluvan: Once inside the keep I found signs of intelligent life even on this remote world. Rödluvan to the base - the explorer team has located intelligent stair planning with the stairs actually built close to each other!



Maltati: While we're dwelling on the subject, how were the antiquities when you faced them, Snövit?

Snövit: Since I have not yet gotten a battle gear armour or hat I wore around 200% magic finding when facing them. On the way to the summit meeting it proved worthwhile when a golden Zweihander dropped (it is by the way an incorrect name: the two-handed swords were called bidenhänder rather than zweihänder in renaissance Germany)! With it in my hands I could enchant our weapons! Not much damage but lovely 100%-ish attack rating bonus! Only thing was...it turned all the weapons red.

Rödluvan: Hahahaha! I always knew you secretly wanted to be me!

Snövit: I did not and do not! Korlic was obsessed with me too. I guess he was just jealous of my skill with a halberd. Man, it feels GOOD to swing away with that thing, which I had socketed and Shael:ed the same day. Korlic was stone skinned and immune to physical. Duh, big deal... Madawc had a blessed aim aura but he really would have needed a blessed intelligence one because he never managed to get in position properly to aim. Talic was extra fast now as well. He's a real addict. Old fossiles who can't get through the day without regular cup of coffee - is there anything more pathetic?

I also got QUITE a great map for the second level of the Worldstone keep. Beat that, Rödluvan! The third was also good. At the red basement I faced an outrageous stairtrap! Minotaurs...no sense of decency or style. Baals minions were not too much of a trouble, only the second and third wave threatened to destroy my valkyrie. I felt a bit sorry for the poor fallen ones under Colenzo, who had to endure seeing his whole pack melt. Achmel was disgusting and his poison aura seemed to linger even after he was dead. Weird. The hydras were disturbingly strong but the venom lords laughable. Demonic ice cream, anyone? The same goes for the minions of not-too-much-destruction. I'm such an artist, I create sculptures in the middle of battle!



Rödluvan: I found the minions of destruction equally pathetic, hardly even putting a dent into my valkyries armour. The venom lords and their inferno were harder on her, though. But then, it is after all a fire attack and fire is, as everyone knows, dangerous compared to cold or poison or other less important resists.

Snövit: But for the enemy it is an entirely different matter!

Rödluvan: I owned them with strafe mainly. Open wounds RUUUULE!

Maltatai: Yes, I am growing fonder of it every time I play with a wounding character.

Rödluvan: Baal took some time since I lack crushing blow (must get it, red and useful) and Telash doesn't swing his sword enough to process the static field. Eventually he passed out and away. 20+ % life stealing is REALLY nice to have. I do miss weaken charges from a Smoke armour. Hope I'll get one in the future. Then, AFTER everything was secure, the heavenly h@x0r and completely clumsy corroded-rust-for-brains Arch-moron appeared...five and a half metres south of my location looking at the wall. How can anyone entrust even a broken paperbag to this dunghead?

Snövit: We were both, as heretical and blasphemous as it may sound, approaching Tyrael in a coordinated and cooperating manner. The dumb sod was obviously terrified of our rightful wrath but tried to hide it under his usual serene and pompous voice. We asked...

Rödluvan: Roared, I think.

Snövit:...roared how he could miss the whole damned stone that takes up the whole east side of the bridge and why he didn't send someone more accurate if he has such aiming trouble. The fool responded that he would not entrust the sacred mission to anyone of less faith and religious incorruptibility and purity.

Rödluvan: In a shorter, more concise version: He wanted all the glory for himself.

Snövit: Precisely. We spent some more time making sure it was clear exactly what we thought of him and what we had had to go through because the idiot missed last time. Tyrael finally promised to do better this time and opened his portal into "safety".

Rödluvan: But we did of course not use it, being created by that clot. It would probably have led right into a dark abyss or a giant barrel filled with spinach. Instead we took a town portal each back to Harrogath and then back home to the Amazon Islands.

Snövit: But first we stopped to go through the loot and demon corpses. I found myself some VERY nice BLUE gloves from Baals wardrobe. Funny how someone so disgusting keeps such stylish clothing. I had Larzuk personalize them, so they are now "Snövit's Laying Of Hands". Enourmously fashionable!



Rödluvan: I modified them a little...

Maltatai: What? How?

Snövit: Pfeh! She means her immature prank of pasting a piece of cloth with the Words "soon to be felt by Meshif" on them.

Rödluvan: Which is totally correct.

Snövit: Be that as it may, I still think it's ridiculous. By the way, shall we start with the Soul Killers?

Rödluvan: That will be excellent. Could you pass the sauce and the pepper, please?

Maltatai: Soul Killers? And polite requests???

Rödluvan: Ehrm, yes. We are temporarily out of jokes about each other so we have made a truce for now. And to celebrate our victory and the end of this horrible nightmare one needs a grand feast! So we thought about all those demon corpses lying around being useless. The Soul Killers which we both encountered are just the right size for being impaled on a spike - Waheed is great at that - and roasted over the fire. I will of course handle the roasting while Snövit takes care of the cool drinks and the dessert. Telash is setting up the lamps and light and lightning. It will be excellent!

Snövit: I sent Deckard Cain with an invitation to Meshif too. He should be here any time!

Maltatai: Wow, I've never heard of a waypoint on the Amazonian Islands!

Rödluvan: Come on, you know they're everywhere! One can consider oneself fortunate not to discover one in ones bedroom. Those Horadrim really are one trespassing and nosy bunch of magi. Oh, look! There's our guests!

Snövit: Aaaaah! Must get my new gloves! How does my armour look? Is the ponytail allright?

Rödluvan: I would start with checking my breathing if were you. Calm down, you look fine. Except for needing to change colours but we can talk about that later. Now to the grand fireworks of red and blue and white arrows we have prepared! We'll set it off as soon as the Worldstone is down. Should be anytime now.

Snövit: What's that rumbling sound?

Maltatai: It seems to come far from the north. About the direction in which Mount Arreat lies...I think it is high time to destroy that corrupted stone now...

Distant voice: Come on Tyrael, you can do it...nobody else must be allowed to get the glory...breathe out, aim and AWAY!!!

Rödluvan: There's more rumbling! And I can hear a foul demonic voice laughing in the distance!

Distant voice: NO! Darn it, missed again! Oookay, nobody saw it. Now, I just need to find my sword and try again, where is it...I know it went down somewhere here...

Distant foul demonic voice: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

Snövit: It can't be! He can't have...

Rödluvan: The...the thing is huge! It covers your whole view! How can you...

Maltatai: It seems he...missed it again...oh dear, look at that swirling mass of black oblivion coming this way! Take cover!

Snövit: Meshif!

Rödluvan: The feast!
Maltatai: Over and out!