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Thread: What do you think of this first paragraph?

  1. #1
    Kyriakos's Avatar Praeses
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    Default What do you think of this first paragraph?

    Tell me what you think of it. Naturally you should imagine it is around 10.000 times better in Greek

    "I would have been fond of claiming that my study begun as the consequence of something i had read, or by chance happened to listen to as i was lifting my arm so as to reach a book volume that i had often borrowed up to then, but in that afternoon was paradoxically placed in a much higher shelf in that part of the university's library. That a voice the accent of which did not declare with clarity just of what nationality was the person to whom it belonged, had murmured something from the claims in the third part of the Socratic dialogue with Parmenides, as it was recounted by heart by Antiphon who it had been years now since he chose to admire Boeotian horse-whippers rather than sophists, and it is highly likely that in between this alteration of his he had concluded as an eye-witness just how incapable had the Athenian wooden fort proved to be at Delium as a force to diminish their defeat by the Thebans in the battle that took place shortly before, and in which Socrates was also one of those covering the retreat, as a mere hoplite..."

    It is just my translation of the first paragraph of a new story i am working on. As usual it has to do with a pseudo-occult tone, and the narrator is isolated and breeding his own inner universes. It won't end well (surprise, i know ).
    Last edited by Kyriakos; October 11, 2014 at 03:43 PM.
    Λέων μεν ὄνυξι κρατεῖ, κέρασι δε βούς, ἄνθρωπος δε νῷι
    "While the lion prevails with its claws, and the ox through its horns, man does by his thinking"
    Anaxagoras of Klazomenae, 5th century BC










  2. #2
    General Retreat's Avatar Policeman Pleb
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    Default Re: What do you think of this first paragraph?

    There's a minor syntax issue with 'I's lacking capitalisation - I'm guessing that's just a small translation issue though.

    My main concern would be the second monster of a sentence. Personally I think having a run-on-sentence that long while discussing a subject as heavy as philosophy may needlessly obscure the story.

    It'd benefit immensely from being broken into several smaller clauses; 1) describe the speaker, 2) what were they saying? 3) What did the protagonist conclude?

    Just my first impressions there.
    Last edited by General Retreat; October 18, 2014 at 06:20 AM.
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  3. #3
    Kyriakos's Avatar Praeses
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    Default Re: What do you think of this first paragraph?

    Thanks

    You are right. Another bad issue with that is that if such a sentence appears in the very start of a story, then readers can easily just give up (and with good reason). Moreover it is rare that a reader will keep on reading if he senses he has to have read other text(s) to note what is going on (eg here supposedly the Parmenides).

    For the above reasons i gave up on this start for a story..
    Λέων μεν ὄνυξι κρατεῖ, κέρασι δε βούς, ἄνθρωπος δε νῷι
    "While the lion prevails with its claws, and the ox through its horns, man does by his thinking"
    Anaxagoras of Klazomenae, 5th century BC










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