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Thread: Lortano's The Hobbit: Desolation: Book 2 Chapter 1 26/10

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    Default Lortano's The Hobbit: Desolation: Book 2 Chapter 1 26/10

    Book 1

    Chapter 1

    Chapter 1
    "My dear Frodo," wrote Bilbo Baggins, who was in Rivendell. "I just thought I'd let you know that I've cut you out of my will, because I realised what an annoying you are. I've left all of my wordly possessions to the Sackville-Bagginses, which pretty much tells you how much I hate you. In any case, I have enclosed my book, which you can finish if you happen to end up travelling to any volcanoes to destroy rings. In it, I describe the true story of what happened during my journey, the whole truth..."

    Erebor: 50 years earlier.

    Thror. Despite sounding like a Marvel superhero, he was actually King under the Mountain. The Lonely Mountain, richest of the dwarven kingdoms, it was so wealthy that even the beggar were able to lend money to Gondor, a factor which may have led to the collapse of the Gondorian economy when the Bree Stock Exchange collapsed.
    Anyway Thror was wildly extravagent and crafted great doors in the front of his mountain, whcih is strange considering that Dwarves need less headroom than most, but it shows how rich he was. He was so rich he bathed in banknotes, and used them as toilet paper. He also used Gold ingots as logs for his fire. He also traded with the nearby town of Dale, which seemed to be perpetually obssessed with Mayday, as everyday children would dance around maypoles for no reason.

    He even lent money to Thranduil, the Elven King, although their first meeting was rather awkward.
    Thror had purposefully made his ceiling low in his throne room just in case Thranduil came to visit. Despite being the most expensive practical joke of all time it worked a treat with Thranduil exclaiming,
    ", I broke my crown on the roof!" right in front of Thror, who raised an eyebrow in response. He would later come to regret his humour.

    Now the source of all this gold was his ring, one of the Seven. Unfortunately the effect on him meant he became greedy and was prone to walking around his gold room, simply gazing at all of his gold and stroking it, and even occaisonally attempting to kiss the gold. His son Thrain became even more worried when the ring became more malicious, making Thror dress in green and dance around the gold room while putting on a terrible Irish accent.
    Thrain was in fact considering an assassination attempt against Thror, which would've been productive towards the Dwarven cause, as Thror's madness was starting to get around, with stand up comedians in Minas Tirith doing impressions of him in front of a packed crowd. Business was starting to suffer and even the Nazgul, who had remained hidden for a thousand years started sending cruel imitations via Youtube.

    But before Thrain carried out his attempted coup though, terror was to come to the mountain, that would bring down the Dwarven kingdom...



    Chapter 2
    Chapter 2

    One day, a particularly windy day,Thorin was inspecting the battlements of Erebor with Balin.
    "So how are the defences looking Balin?"
    "Well considering that we live under a mound of inpenetrable rock, I'd say yes, our defences are sound."
    "Don't get smart Balin, it doesn't suit you. Next you'll be suggesting that we lead an expedition to retake Moria!" Balin made a mental note to think about that later.

    Throin went to a dwarf on the battlements.
    "How's it looking.""Well I can't see- OH MY ING GOD IT'S A DRAGON!"
    "Where?"
    "Oh...wait....that's a child's balloon over Dale. Bastards, that's the fourth time this week! It never happened in my day!"
    Thorin shook his head, before continuing on.

    "So hows the King today?" asked Balin.
    "He refused to get up today, 'Until I get me pot of gold' as he put it."
    "He really is going bat crazy isn't he?"
    "Don't talk about your king like that, especially if it's true!"
    "So you admit he's crazy."
    "Oh yes, the guys bonkers. You know I saw him walking around naked in the gold room, before leaping into the biggest pile and then he started to hump the gold."
    Balin burst into hysterical laughter but then the sky turned dark around them.

    "Why do I sense impending doom?"asked Balin?
    "Nevermind about that. Tell you what, why don't we go down to Dale and 'see' the constables wife."
    "Why not...come on, lets be off."

    'Half an hour later'

    The dwarf watchman was awoken by the smell of his own burning flesh. He screamed before throwing himself from the mountain. Thrain burst onto the balcony as a voice cried,
    "Witness puny mortals, the last pathetic moments of your existence."
    Thrain squinted at the assaillant, before sighing.
    "God damnit Deathwing! You always have to ruin things, every week I try and get loot from LFR, but do I get anything? Never because some prick always rolls need for no reason!"
    Deathwing blinked.
    "Sorry, wrong...wrong fantasy universe...." and vanishing. Thrain sighed but suddenly the mountain randomly caught on fire and a red flash shot across the sky.

    In Dale, the men of the watchtowers were enjoying lunch.
    "Another sandwich Brian?"
    "Why thank you very much Sebastian!"
    "Cheese?"
    "Why not." Suddenly they heard a rush of wings.
    "What was-" Suddenly there was an explosion and they were blasted from thier convieniently placed guard tower. Bran landed with a crunch on the ground. He flailed for a weapon and grabebd his now toasted cheese sandwich.
    "Toasted.....bread.....why...didn't...I think of....that..." he died happy.

    Meanwhile the Erebor defence force marshalled near the gate. The Seargeant was very angry for some reason.
    "RIGHT! DEFEND THE DOORS TO THE DEATH!"
    "We can hear you fine sarge." one dwarf commented.
    "SHUT UP ROOKIE! I FOUGHT IN FIFTEEN WARS! INCLUDING THE FALKLANDS!"
    Suddenly he noticed something.
    "Hang on...your uniform is a little big. He gazed along the line and realised something.
    "ALL OF OUR UNIFORMS ARE TOO BIG? AND THEY ARE RED? AND HAVE TARGETS PAINTED ON THEM? The laundry ed up AGAIN!? Who the hell did they mix us up with this time?

    'The USS Enterprise'

    James T Kirk shook his head at the Ensigns, who's uniforms were brown and really small.
    "God damnit! That bloody laundry service! Now who are the Klingons gonna know who to shoot?"
    "This is very illogical." commented Spock.
    "SHUT UP SPOCK!"

    The sarge was about to rant when the doors buckled. He yelled,
    "Hold the line!"
    The doors burst open and immediately the line broke as the dragon marched on through, crushing the hapless seargent beneath him.

    Meanwhile, Thorin and Balin emerged from the Constable's house, smiling.
    "Another great day," said Thorin.
    "Hang on..." Said Balin. "There appears to be considerably more amounts of fire, debris and bodies than before"
    "The Mountain!" cried Thorin.
    They rushed to the broken front gate, where refugees were pouring out. The Seargent grabbed Thorin,
    "I DID MY BEST SIR....I FOUGHT HIM FOR ABOUT 10 MINUTES!"
    "Sure you did" said Thorin.

    Suddenly he heard horns and Thranduil appeared on a hill, with an entire army. The reason was simple, Thranduil didn't like to be alone on his morning jog, so he liked to bring his entire army with him, for moral support.
    "What the hell is he riding?" asked Thorin. For Thranduil was perched upon an Elk.
    "Wow, that's the ugliest thing he's ridden since his wife." commented Balin which prompted laughter.

    "OI!" cried Thorin. "Help us!" Thranduil then had his revenge by placing a hand to his ear and yelling,
    "What? Sorry I can't hear you."
    "Child molester!" cried Balin.
    "WHAT!" cried Thranduil.
    "Oh you heard that alright then!" yelled Balin. Thranduil glared at him.
    "Help us!" cried Thorin again.
    Thranduil turned to his men.
    "Anyone who wishes to enter a mountain to fight a dragon, raise your hand."
    No hands were raised.

    He yelled,
    "Sorry Thorin! Democracy and all of that ! Good luck!" and rode off with his men. Thorin was alone.



    Chapter 3
    Chapter 3

    Thror and Thrain did manage to escape Erebor through a secret side door, which was very convienient, and they joined with the refugees. However Thror became mad with the loss of his gold, so he gave Thrain his ring and parted with his companion Nar. He told Nar that they were just going to the bakers to pick up some bread, but they just kept on walking, through many hardships, until they reached the West Gate of Moria

    Thror stopped and turned.
    "I'm just going to be a minute Nar, you just sit on that rock over there and be quiet."
    "What exactly do you hope to find in there?"
    " Gold, Silver, weapons, who knows?"
    "But...can't we mine for that instead of entering a place that is potentially dangerous?"
    "Just shut up and let me go in!"

    The Balrog was awoken by an alarm and a yell of, 'Security Breach on level Five.' He leapt out of his bed and yelled into a microphone,
    "Azog, we have an intruder, Stat!"
    "Do you really have to end it with stat, every time? It's probably just a bird or something."
    "Well, check it out? It might an elf descended from that Glorfindel bastard!"
    "Why do we leave the Gate open anyway?"
    "It's just temporary until I get my air conditioning installed! It's like a furnace in here!"
    Azog didn't bother to point out the obvious.

    He went down to the gate and hid as a slightly bedraggled dwarf came hobbling in, dressed in strange tattered green clothing. Azog leapt out of hiding and confronted Thror.
    "Halt! What is your business beggar?"
    "I come looking for me gold," Azog was repulsed by the horrifically bad Irish impression and promptly stabbed Thror in the chest, and beheaded him.

    Outside Nar was amusing himself by playing I-Spy with Haldir.
    "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with...M"
    "Mountain?" said Haldir.
    "God-Damnit."
    "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with B"
    "Erm...."
    'Half an hour later'
    "Alright I give up!"
    "A bird."
    "WHAT? Where?"
    "Up there," Haldir pointed to a speck 2000 feet above.
    "Using Elf vision isn't fair." grumbled Nar.

    'A while later'
    Suddenly there came a goblin cry and a small parcel came rolling down from the gate.
    "Beggars at my door? What, do you want the same as your friend?"
    "Well technically, the door was open, so you are sort of inviting people in."
    "It's besides the point! Now can you open the parcel?"
    Nar opened the parcel and fell back with horror."
    "My word...A violin? For me? You are kind."
    "What?" Azog yelled back into Moria.

    "Wrong parcel you fools, that was my present for the wife, bring out the head!" he then facepalmed as he realised he had given the surprise away.
    "What head?" asked Nar.
    "Oh just take it!" cried Azog and threw Thror's head down the hill. Nar wept as he realised it, for upon his brow was scorched the name 'Azog'
    "Now take this money and give me back my violin!" cried Azog.
    Nar grabbed he money and the head and ran as Azog roared in rage and threw Thror's body to the crows.

    For weeks Nar ran until he came to Thrain's dwellings. The dwarves were surprised by his arrival, but he sat for seven days tearing his beard. Thrain watched all of this with great amusement and even filmed it, and uploaded it to Youtube. But then on the Seventh day Nar stood up finally and walked out of his room, right into the middle of a feast. He smashed his fist on the table and yelled,
    "This cannot be borne!"
    "What the hell does that even mean," came a cry.
    "It means we must get revenge for our King!"
    "But he was a fruitcake!"
    "But Azog gave me money, and it is an insult!" He threw the purse across the room, where Bombur caught the gold package and bit into one of the coins.
    "It's chocolate money!" he cried and ate the lot in one mouthful.

    So began the War of the Dwarves and Orcs, where the Dwarves fought the Orcs in the Misty Mountains and drove them from all of their strongholds, save Moria. Gundabad was freed, but no one seemed to care. The Great Goblin was driven from Goblin town, and many goblin prisoners were axed in the testicles to teach them a lesson. But the final battle at Moria would prove to be the bloodiest of all time.


    Chapter 4
    Chapter 4

    Thrain and Thorin and their hosts journeyed to the West Gate of Moria, where Azog had marshalled his greatest armies. The Dwarves were royally pissed and they got even angrier when Azog gave the order that all the orcs should drop their pants and show their arses to the Dwarves. This would've backfired if the Dwarves had any ranged units, and could actually shoot the arses off the orcs. As they didn't they all charged at once. The unfortunate front line of orcs were brutally axed down, and the rest were caught in a bloody struggle while Azog watched.

    But the valor of the Dwarves was for naught, because they were completely outnumbered and being forced back into a forest. There, Thorin had his shield broken by a large orc and grabbed a tree branch and used it as a shield. The orc was undaunted by this and was promptly cut down. Thorin managed to unite with Balin as they stood back to back, turning orcs into shish-kabob.
    "So, hows the battle going Balin?"
    "Not good sir, but luckily we have a few friends coming to help!"
    "Who-"

    Suddenly Azog heard a roar and saw Nain, lord of the Iron Hills standing atop another convieneient hill. Nain roared,
    "DEATH!" and his troops screamed
    "DEATH!" and Azog screamed,
    "Stop copying awesome battle cries!"
    The thought that they were copying drove the Dwarves into a frenzy and they charged upon the flank of the orcs. Nain leapt at Azog and chopped his two bodyguards to the ground. He snarled at him.

    "Prepare to die, orc scum."
    "Oh I assure you, if you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can imagine."
    "Really?"
    "...No." and thus their duel began, while Thorin and Balin fought back through the forest.
    Meanwhile Thrain was dueling the Great Goblin but then an arrow flew through the air and hit Thrain straight in the eye.
    The Great Goblin would've finished him off but he was feeling peckish and decided to stop for a bite to eat.

    Meanwhile Nain and Azog fought their duel, but Nain became tired, and Azog found himself able to bring his sword upon Nain's neck. The blow didn't sever his head but broke his neck, thanks to his haubrak. This made Nain feel much better about the whole dying thing. But his son Dain saw the murder and cried, in a thick Scottish accent,
    "NOOOOOO!" Azog turned away to laugh, but then Dain heard a voice in his head saying,
    "Use the Force Dain." Suddenly the battle seemed to slow down.

    Imagine you are seeing Dain from the front, as the battle rages in slow motion. He charged forward, rolling under a blow. As he rose another orc tried to stab him, he grabbed the blade and stabbed the orc with it. He slid under another orc, with his axe raised. The orc immediately regretted not putting on his reinforced pantaloons.
    Azog watched this in normal speed, in bewilderment and terror. He turned to the doors of Moria.
    "Um....Roggy, kind of need your help out here." The cry came back,
    "I'm on the khazi at the moment, can you give me 5 minutes?"
    "I haven't got five seconds out here!" screamed Azog as Dain leapt onto a rocky outcropping and used it as a launch pad.
    He flew through the air at head height, his axe swinging through the air. He landed on his knees as Azog's head landed next to him. He panted and stood up.
    "I'm a ing badass!" he cried, raising his axe to the air.

    However he turned to face the doors of Moria, and saw the hazy shadow of the Balrog on the toilet. He drew back slowly and turned to see the orc army totally obliterated. Some were still alive, clutching the hole where their penises used to be. Others lay decapitated. The Dwarf losses were no different though. Hundreds lay slain upon the field, some hit by arrows, some due to friendly fire, some due to some actual fire, which was caused when one dwarf accidently dropped his lighter.
    Thrain arrived, wearing an eyepatch.
    "We are victorious! Let us now reclaim our ancient home of Khazad-Dum!" Dain shook his head.
    "No. Only I have seen beyond the doors of Moria. And I know it waits for you still....Durin's Bane!" Scary DUNDUNDUN!!!! music played and the Dwarves looked around suspiciously.
    "Well my name isn't Durin! I should be alright!"
    "You are a fool. Anyway, me and my people are going back to the Iron Hills. I suggest you go back to your own halls."

    They dealt with Azog's head brutally, sticking it on his own violin before shoving the now empty purse of chocloate gold into his mouth.
    They thought they had won. They thought, that Azog would remain dead. But in the world of Hollywood, nothing remains dead forever.

    Thrain had the ring but no gold. In the end he decided to take several companions and travel to Erebor. The plan was a failure, as Thrain was captured in Mirkwood and taken to Dol Guldur. He was blindfolded and it was removed when he was at the throne of the Necromancer himself. He looked up as a mocking voice said,
    "So...this is the sorry excuse for a king? I was under the impression that you were quite rich. Anyway, you are with me now...the NECROMANCER! MUHAHAHAHA!"
    Thrain blinked. "Sauron?" he said. The mocking quickly turned to panic.
    "Erm....no no no I'm, not Sauron, I am THE NECROMANCER! MUHAHAHAHA!"
    "No, I'd recognise the mocking voice anywhere. It's definitely Sauron."

    "Look, lets not worry about who or what I am. I believe you are holding an artifact that I want."
    "What artifact."
    "The Ring. One of the Seven."
    "Oh THAT artifact...well you know...I sort of lost it."
    "Lost it? How can you lose a ring?"
    "You're one to talk." muttered Thrain.
    "I know you are lying! Guards, take him away and torture him until he gives us the ring."
    "Why don't you just take the ring?"
    "Because Bolg needs something to to every now and then. Torture is his favourite."
    Suddenly Thrain realised that he was probably going to be in for a rough night, and struggled and cried as they dragged him into the dungeons.

    The Necromancer sighed and turned to his servant.
    "What do you think of my disguise?"
    "Well, you are just wearing a cape over your armor, it's hardly a disguise."
    "You know, I'd throw you out of a window if this place had a window."
    "I know."



    Chapter 5
    Chapter 5:

    For a long time Thrain was kept in Dol Guldur. His cell mate was a large troll named Jimmy, and Thrain quickly developed a fear of any form of shower. For years he wasted in the dungeons, occaisonally being tortured and having Bolg do terrible things to him that can only be described on the creepiest pornography sites in the universe. He also had the ring taken from him. The loss of it was perhaps worse than having it and after a while, he too started to put on a ridiculous Irish accent. For all the rest of the world knew, Thrain was dead.

    But one day, as the Necromancer prepared his glorious return to Middle-Earth there was a flash and Gandalf appeared. The Necromancer stood up, startled.
    "What on-"
    "I am Gandalf the Grey and I'm here to serve some whoopass!" replied Gandalf.
    The Necromancer laughed.
    "Old fool! I am too powerful for you. For I am.....THE NECROMANCER! MUHAHAHA!"
    "You REALLY need to stop that laugh."
    "Shut up, it's my endearing character trait. And anyway, I have the advantage here! You are in MY fortress and you have no idea who I am."
    "You're Sauron." replied Gandalf.
    "Erm...no I'm not."

    Gandalf laughed.
    "It's rather obvious. I mean, you are just wearing a cape."
    "It's a disguise!"
    "Even Palpatine in the Star Wars prequels was better at disguising himself than you."
    "Shut up! I'm much more awesome than that two bit arsewipe!"
    "Hah...we shall see."
    Sauron roared and unleashed a bolt of magical energy. Gandalf stepped aside just as Khamul the Easterling stepped into the room and he was sent flying through the wall, directly into the Giant Spider lair.
    "Oops." said Sauron, as Gandalf unleashed his own power, blasting Sauron through the window and sent him running.
    "Hows that for irony?" yelled Gandalf as Sauron hotfooted it back to the East.

    Gandalf infiltrated the dungeons, where he found Thrain, against a wall dying. It seemed as though Jimmy had gone to town a little too hard that day and Thrain had sustained fatal wounds. Gandalf knelt next to him.
    "Who are you, dwarf?" he asked.
    "Da names Paddy!" said the delusional Thrain. Gandalf winced at the poor impression.
    "Are you Thrain?"
    "I'm a leprechaun, I've got me pot of gold...." suddenly he pulled out a map and a key.
    "For my son..." he said, suddenly he seemed somewhat sane. Then he slumped against the wall.

    Gandalf bowed his head and, hearing orc cries and a cry of,
    "Get those spiders off of me!" he quickly ran from the dungeon.
    Unfortunately he was in such a rush that he forgot the poor Gondorian who had been trapped in the cell next to Thrain.
    "Oi! Come back!" he yelled after the wizard. "You've forgotten- oh what's the bloody point!" he said as he sat down and
    started his old game of playing darts with himself.

    Gandalf escaped Dol Guldur and stayed a while at Radagast the Brown's house, an experience he found so traumatising that he vowed never to go back. Indeed he never spoke of it again, apart from the time he was interviewed by the United Nations. The tales he told shocked them to the extent that a Secuirity Council emergency meeting was established that to this day had failed to come up with a decision.
    Thorin was unaware of his father's fate, nor did he care, because he was too busy grumbling about his lack of wealth and being racist to elves for no reason. He once deliberately put a hole in Cirdan's private yacht, which resulted in an unfortunate accident when it turned out that he put a hole in the wrong ship and Elrond's wife was sent to Davy Jones Locker. He also spammed Thranduil's E-Mail with insulting mails. He even hired some bullies to bully Thranduil's son, Legolas, while he was at school. Thranduil was so enraged that he created a national holiday called, ' Thorin Oakenshield day', where efigies of Thorin were burned, and a huge statue of Thorin being teabagged by Thranduil was set up right next to Thranduil's throne.

    Thranduil's tactful advisors, wanting to avoid another diplomatic incident with the Dwarves, decided to change the name of the holiday to 'Bonfire night'. We still celebrate the holiday to this day, save for some weird bastards who spend their days writing comedy fan fictions about the Hobbit, what a load of sad sons of .

    Still, one day Thorin met up with Gandalf and he told him of his plan to retake Erebor. However the brew at the Prancing Pony Inn that night was strong, it was rumured that Butterbur had the sons of Elrond wee in the barrel to, 'Give it an edge'. As a result, instead of chastising the plan as 'Idiotic, stupid and pointless' Gandalf agreed with the idea. However Thorin and him cut each other's hands and pressed them together. Unfortunately Gandalf managed to contract Syphilis from this, and Thorin had contracted it from the Constable's wife. They both agreed that Thorin would find warriors and Gandalf would find a burgular. As you can see, they both failed horribly.


    Book 2

    Chapter 1
    Chapter 1

    Bilbo Baggins. Where do I begin...well, considering that he had no redeeming features before his adventures, lets start with his relatives. He was related to the Old Took, who was a pipeweed baron living in North farthing. Living to a surprisingly old 130, surprising because most pipeweed barons ended up in the Brandywine. The Old Took had been a good friend of Gandalf, who gave him many magical items. He gave him trouser braces that only came undone when he said so (And they came undone quite a lot, I can assure you). He also shot many fireworks off at the Old Took's birthdays. Unfortunately on his last birthday Gandalf had the bright idea of tying 130 rockets together and firing them off at once.

    The explosion was felt at Isengard, where Saruman's palantir fell onto his foot, the response being much cursing. In Umbar, the shockwaves caused a gigantic tidal wave to destroy the fleet at anchor, it also unfortunately cost High Command another two legs, both from different people. Luckily for the Old Took, the fireball landed on a rivals pipeweed crop and burned it, as well as trapping the rival's wife and children in the farmhouse, where they burned to death horribly.

    Bilbo was also related to Bullroarer Took. He invented the game of gold when he knocked off the goblin chief Golfimbul's head, which sailed straight down a rabbit hole. He also invented the game of Tennis when he knocked off Tennisbul's head and a friend of his started batting it back. However, in old age he started to make more outrageous claims, such as the time he insisted that he invented the concept of Time, and that the works of William Shakespeare were all due to him. He died ignored.

    Now, you'd think being from such a boisterous line of bastards that Bilbo would be out adventuring, raping and pillaging, all in time to head to the Prancing Pony for a mead and a maid. Well unfortunately Bilbo was also descended from the Baggins family. They had done basically nothing of note, and much preffered sitting on their fat arses and chuckling. They had a humble abode called Bag-End, the neighbours called them a similar word in response. Their long suffering neighbours, the Gamgee family, absolutely hated the Baggins after a hedge dispute turned nasty. The then Mr Baggins and Mr Gamgee had to be seperated by several Shirrifs, while TV cameras filmed the action and bleeped out the swearing.

    A transcript was as follows,
    "You clip my ******* hedge again and I'll **** you up!" cried Mr Gamgee.
    "It's MY side of the ******* hedge!" roared Mr Baggins.
    And so on and so forth.
    Now, Bilbo had inherited far too much of the pipe smoking, gentry kind of ways. He probably would've gone out fox hunting if those left wing bastards hadn't banned it.

    Now it so happened that one day Bilbo was outside smoking, he was allowed to do this because there were no smoking laws back then. Then Gandalf came along.
    "Good morning!" said Bilbo.
    "I beg your pardon? Do you mean to wish me a good morning, or are you implying that it is a good morning?"
    "...Stop with the ing grammar jokes."
    "Fine."
    "Anyway, what are you looking for?"
    "I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure."

    Bilbo frowned and tutted.
    "Adventures? Oooh nasty things. You won't find any of that sort here. Check over the river, all the queer folk live there." You have to understand that in those days calling someone a 'queer' was common practice. And not considered offensive towards the retard in question.
    "Oh really? Well, as it so happens, I was going to ask you."
    "What? Me? An adventure?" Bilbo burst into laughter.
    "I can't do that! I'm a Baggins of Bag-End. We don't share in these, adventures and all that nonsense."
    "Fair enough. Do you mind then, if I had tea with you...Wednesday perhaps?"
    "Erm...sure, why not."

    "By the way...who are you?" Bilbo asked.
    "I am Gandalf." said the Wizard.
    "By Jove! Not the Gandalf who-"
    "Yes yes the author's already done that! Get on with it!" and he strode off down the road.

    I should mention that if an old man invites himself round for dinner at your house, lock the doors and grab some sort of sharp weapon. But Bilbo was far too bewildered by the strange grammar jokes and talks of an adventure. He was not a fan of adventure, and the furthest he had ever gone was the sign at the end of the road. Still, he decided to honour his request and put on his calender, "Gandalf, tea-Wednesday."
    Suddenly he heard a scraping at his door. He opened it slowly and saw Gandalf staring back.
    "What the hell are you doing?" he asked, as politely as one could.
    "Erm....I was...admiring this...lovely door. Did you get it from IKEA?"
    "How dare you! We Baggins don't buy from IKEA! It was handcrafted by old Proudfoot down the road."
    "Ah O.K. Thanks you."

    Gandalf shuffled off down the road.

    On Wednesday evening, Bilbo had just finished making supper. He sat down next to his roaring fire and started watching his favourite, 'Gentlemen's programs.' Unfortunately the damned Sackville-Baggins had recorded over his tapes with their own 'Gentlemen's progrmas' These videos of course featured Otho and Lobellia Sackville Baggins. Bilbo quickly turned the TV off and had a minor heart attack. He looked at his food gingerly and threw it away, vowing never to eat lamb again as long as he lived. From then on he never watched any more of those programs out of fear and terror, and he generally avoided Lobellia after that.

    Suddenly there was a knock at the door.



    Chapter 2
    Chapter 2

    Bilbo opened his door and a dwarf was standing there.
    "Mr Baggins? Balin at your service." said Balin and immediately walked in uninvited and went straight to Bilbo's extensive larder and began filling his plate.
    Bilbo was going to protest but soon after there was another knock at the door. He opened it and there was another dwarf there.
    "Mr Baggins, Dwalin at your service." he said, before joining Balin.

    Bilbo followed him indignantly down to the larder.
    "Excuse me!" he said. Balin and Dwalin stared at him.
    "Yes, Mr Baggins."
    "I'll have you know that that wine bottle there is over two hundred years old and-"
    "Don't you worry yourself Mr Baggins, we won't spill a drop!" said Balin and he and Dwalin immediately sat down in the dining room and started feasting and drinking Bilbo's centuries old wine.

    Bilbo was even more annoyed when another knock came at the door. He opened it and two young dwarves were there.
    "Mr Baggins, Fili and Kili at your service," they said at once and immediately followed the trail of food to steal from Bilbo's larder.
    Bilbo was about to sit down and cry when a final knock came at the door. He opened it and was flattened under 7 dwarves. A chuckle and Gandalf's voice then said,
    "Mr Baggins, please welcome Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bofur and Bombur."
    Bilbo stood up groggily as the dwarves rushed in to ransack his house.

    "How did they know I would be here?" he asked Gandalf.
    "Oh, I simply put a mark on your door."
    "Mark on my-" Bilbo went outside and saw the glowing scratches on the green.
    "What the hell? I'll have to get the green paint out now. Now tell those dwarves to stop breaking everything!"

    Bilbo sat outside, slowing filling in the hideous indentation on his wall. It started to rain suddenly, just to piss Bilbo off. Then he accidently tipped the paint onto his new shoes, which angered him further. Then he had a bucket of water thrown over him.
    "OI! Who did that?" he yelled. There was a laugh from next door.
    "It were me Mr Bilbo!" said Hamfast Gamgee.
    "Now listen here, what have I ever done to you, young Mr Gamgee?"
    "That fat dwarf that went into your 'ouse stole my 'taters!"
    "Well, it's nothing to do with me!"
    "Clearly. Also, I'd get down there quick if I were you. They appear to 'ave started a rather large fire."

    Bilbo finally finished painting the door. He went downstairs to find the dwarves stuffed with his food and his alcohol. He also saw Bombur attempting to blow his nose with a napkin that had been passed down the Baggins line for generations.
    "Oi! That's a family heirloom!" he yelled at Bombur, whose response was to fall through the chair in a comical fashion.
    "Why are there dwarves in my house?" Bilbo hissed at Gandalf.
    "Well, you'll find out shortly." said Gandalf. Suddenly there was a finally knock at the door.
    "He is here." said Balin solemnly.

    Bilbo got to the door and opened it. A dark shadow stood there.
    "Erm, can I help you?"
    "Yes," replied the shadow. "I am in need of shelter for the night."
    "Well, we have guests at the moment so-"
    "Oh it's no bother, just asking."
    "Why what are you doing?"
    "Ah, my boss sent me on some stupid mission to take back a ring or something, I don't know. I don't care either." and he vanished into the night.

    Bilbo got back downstairs.
    "It wasn't him."
    The dwarves sighed, and then there was another knock.
    Once more BIlbo opened it and there was a man there, with a woman at his side.
    "Please sir, do you have any room at this place, for my wife his heavily pregnant-"
    "Yeah, off."
    "What? But she truly is in great pain!"
    "Yeah, I've heard that one before." snorted Bilbo. The woman started to moan underneath her shawl.
    "Please, we have money-" Bilbo slammed the door in their face. You'll be pleased to know that they were both found dead the following morning from exposure.

    Suddenly, as Bilbo turned to leave, there was a final knock. He was about to touch the handle, when a huge kick broke the door off of it's hinges and sent it flying acorss the hall. Thorin strode in.
    "So, you are Mr Baggins, our burgalar?" he said.
    "Yes, he is." said Gandalf, who entered the hall.
    Thorin scrutinised Bilbo as he got to his feet.
    "He looks more like a grocer than a burgalar." he said. Then he burst into laughter and patted Bilbo on the back. Bilbo laughed nervously in response.
    "Oh, I knew you'd get my humour," said Thorin before headbutting Bilbo to the ground and turning to head deeper into the hole.

    Gandalf gazed at the injured Hobbit.
    "I suggest you keep well clear of Thorin's head from now on." and walked off.
    Bilbo groaned as Hamfast came to check the commotion. When he saw Bilbo, powerless, he quickly checked to see if no one was looking. He ran in and kicked Bilbo in the side, before running out into the night.

    Thorin entered the room and the party fell silent.
    "Sorry I'm late. I was off digging."
    "Another Iron mine?" asked Balin.
    "No. I met an elf on the way here, so I beat him to death and buried the body in the woods, using the same shovel I used to kill him."
    The dwarves gulped.
    "Anyway, now that we are all gathered-" he turned to Gandalf.
    "Will Mr Baggins be long?"
    "Give him a few minutes, he's not used to being beaten up in his own home."



    Chapter 3
    Chapter 3

    While the unexpected party was ongoing there were sinister things afoot. Upon Weathertop there sat a hooded orc, surounded by many goblins, with a pathetic looking snaga beside him. The snaga spoke,
    "My lord, we have tracked the Dwarves to the Shire. Shall we raze the place to the ground?"
    "No. We shall not. I will not have another Golfimbul incident on my watch. It's bad enough we gave the world the game of Golf, the most tediously boring game in existence, I do not wish to give them something else to clog up BBC 2."
    "Very well my Lord Azo-"
    "USE THE CODE YOU FOOL!"
    "Sorry...Lord Ozga."
    "Thank you," said Azo-I mean Ozga.

    "Now!" he said, adressing the crowd. "As lord Sauron couldn't make it today, I shall be evil Overlord until he comes back from vacation in Rhun."
    This was met by a chorus of boos.
    "You suck!" came one cry! "You couldn't lead an army of sheep!" came another. "You touch children!" came a final cry.
    "SHUT IT!" Azo-Ozga, said out loud. The boos stopped.
    "As a race, we have been splintered for too long! The Dark Lord is rising, and we shall be his vanguard! We shall crush the dwarves, crush the elves, and turn the hobbits into our minature sex slaves! What do you say!"
    "Well..." said one orc. "I like the idea of crushing races...and I do like my minature sex slaves....you know what, lets do it lads!"

    But then the wind whispered through the trees and three hooded figures emerged upon the summit.
    "What?" yelled Ozga. "Who the hell are you weirdos? If you hadn't noticed, this sinister meeting place is our sinister meeting place!"
    "Are you nazgul?" asked the Snaga.
    "If you are, you're three films too late!" laughed Ozga. No one else did. "Thank you for reminding me of that joke Number 3."
    The snaga winced. "Don't call me Number 3! It makes me seem inadequete!"
    "Well you are inadequete. In every sense of the word." said Ozga. Number 3 glanced at his groin and stifled a small sigh.

    The three hooded figures ignited their lightsabers. Two of them glowed a bright red colour. But the leader's shone white hot.
    "Is that a threat?" asked Ozga. The leader decapitated an orc.
    "Guess that answers that question." said Ozga. "ATTACK!"
    The jedi easily sliced the orcs to pieces, the deadliest weapon the orcs had was a broken bottle.
    As the last orc slid to the ground Ozga gulped.
    "Who the are you people?" he growled.

    The leader threw off his hood, and he was blond, and his muscles rippled like a very choppy ocean. His face was weather-beaten and few would stand against him. He looked like a jedi version of Beowulf, which is the most badass thing in the universe.
    "Behold!" said the leader. "For I am Ngugi! High Inquisitor of the Tolkien society, High Council member of the Jedi Order, Grandmaster of Lore, and breaker of all inconsistencies."
    Ozga laughed. he threw off his hood, and his head was of iron, replaced by the greatest Blacksmiths of Moria.
    "Behold, foul follower of Order! For I am the Servant of the Dark Lord, who saved me from death!"
    "Peter Jackson has no power here, in this holiest of all places of the Dunedain. In the name of the Lore, get the out of this story!" cried Ngugi.

    Number 3 spoke up,
    "What the hell is this? This is madness!" A quiet calm fell. Ngugi turned to one of his Jedi.
    "You do it." he mumbled. The Jedi strode over to Number 3. He threw off his hood, and he was black underneath, for it was the street cleaner from Sauron's Miseries.
    "Surprise, Motherer!" he roared, and delivered a fine kick that sent Number 3 hurtling backwards over the edge with a cry.

    Ozga laughed.
    "You claim to protect the lore, yet there's a black guy who's not the villain here? That seems very un Tolkien-ish to me!"
    "Shut up motherer!" yelled the Black Jedi. Ngugi raised his hand.
    "Tolkien wasn't racist....however I am, so therefore I'm going to murder every last orc in Middle Earth!" he roared.
    A feeble cry from Number 3 below came crying out.
    "Help! I'm impaled on this King's sword! My appendix has just been forcibly removed, which saved me a fortune under Moria Health Care, however I am in a great deal of pain!"

    Ngugi strode forward, as did Ozga. Ozga drew his scimitar as Number 3 yelled again,
    "My face is in this King's crotch!" quickly followed by, "It smells really bad! Like somehow the statue pleasured itself!"
    " Shut up, Number 3!" roared Ozga. "Can't you see I'm-" Ngugi beheaded him with his lightsaber.
    Ozga's head rolled down the hill, crying, "I won't forget this!"
    Ngugi brushed his hands together.
    "Right. To the Pony to celebrate!" he roared.

    'Meanwhile, in Rhun'

    "So you see, my battle plan is almost complete." said Sauron. He was wearing a Hawaiaan T-Shirt and shorts under the hot Rhun sun, as well as a string of flowers around his neck so that everyone knew he was racist.
    "Are you sure?" asked the Witch King. "How are we going to rebuild Barad'dur?"
    "Already sorted that. I have the builder of the Death Star, the architect of the Titanic, and the Hidenburg designer working on it. I've been assured that they are very successful.Do you know that the titanic guy's ship is supposed to be Unsinkable?"
    "Yes I know."
    "How did the the First voyage go?"
    "It sank."
    "Oh."
    "It took a few hours to sink, but James Cameron made it seem like days. My armour rusted in that cinema."

    "I agree, at least we got a competant director for our life stories. Anyway, my-" a waitor rushed in.
    "More tequila, Senor Sauron?" he asked in a racist Speedy Gonzales style accent.
    "Sure why not. Off you pop Manuel!" Manuel left the room crying, "Arriba, Arriba!"
    "Anyway, I've also set up a detachment to retake Dol Guldur. If we can build that we should be able to control Mirkwood, and keep ourselves safe from that Elk Riding bastard and the creepy lady of Lorien."
    "What an elegant description of your great enemies." said the Witch King.
    "Indeed. Now join with me in an evil laugh!" said Sauron.

    "MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    .......................................'breathe in'................................'breathe out......................................................................................................................
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA etc etc."



    Chapter 4
    Chapter 4

    Bilbo scurried down to his table, as Thorin started to speak.
    "Many years ago, we were driven from our home....Erebor. There still sits vast piles of gold waiting to be claimed! Now is our time to TAKE BACK EREBOR!" Thorin roared.
    Ori put up his hand.
    "Yes?" said Thorin.
    "Why don't we just cobble together what we have and buy a nice place in Cornwall?" he asked. There were murmurs of agreement.
    "Good rock round there."
    "Aye, tin too. Could make a nice profit."
    "I agree."

    Thorin smashed his fist on the table.
    "Are there any decent brothels in Cornwall?" he asked. The dwarves thought for a moment and shook their heads.
    "Exactly. Anyway, we will be accompanied by the wizard Gandalf the Grey, and the burgular Bilbo Baggins.
    Bilbo tried to protest but Thorin said,
    "Give him the contract."

    Bilbo was thrown a parchment, which he began to read.
    "All monies gained from the enterprise shall be split into 14ths, with a share going to each member." he looked up.
    "How much is one fourteenth?" he asked.
    "About the size of the Sauron's ego." said one dwarf. Bilbo nodded. It seemed a good deal.
    "A small sum shall be paid to the family in the event of....DEATH?" he screeched out the last word.
    "From....Laceration....evisceration....clawedtodeathintheballsacks....INCINERATION?" he screeched out the last word again.

    Helpfully James Nesbitt was on hand.
    "Oh aye lad, he'll roast your flesh of your bones!"
    "Hey!" said Thorin. "You have an Irish accent! Did you steal my father's ring!"
    "No! I'm actually Irish."
    "Oh..."
    "Erm, excuse me! We're talking about my potential death here!" said Bilbo, waving his arms wildly.
    "Well, I once knew a dwarf who met up with a dragon....we found him a few days later, with his intestines being pecked at by crows around his charred corpse." said Nesbitt. That really boosted Bilbo's confidence.

    "Well?" said Thorin. "Are you in?" Bilbo smiled, and then collapsed.

    In Bilbo's sitting room a while later the dwarves were ready for a sing-song.
    "DO we do the one that the films did, or do we rip off Don McLean?" asked Fili.
    "Naturally we want to avoid copyright,but comedy must be maintained." said Thorin, and indicated at Balin, who stepped forward with a guitar much bigger than himself.

    "A long, long time ago,
    I can still remember when the Ring it, used to bring us gold.
    In the days of Thror the king, Ruler of the Lonely Mountain,
    when we dwarves who were once young, and now are old.
    But then one day, it went Kaboom.
    And Smaug came down like a storm of doom.
    We fled far, far away,
    To where Ered Luin lay.
    And there we delved and raised up mines,
    and old king Thror he lost his mind,
    To Moria he went inside,
    The day...The Dwarf King Died..

    So die, die, that there Azog must die,
    thinks he's awesome, but in autumn
    we gonna make his orcs cry.
    We'll fight through mountains hidden under the sky
    Singing this'll be the day that he dies....this'll be the day that he dies..

    Did you know we went to war,
    like we never ever had before,
    to show Azog who was boss.
    yeah, do you know that our armour was, hammered from mithril just because,
    it was the best we could make before it kicked off.
    Well, we liberated Gundabad of course,
    fighting against overwhelming force,
    We whooped Azog's ass
    And then so it came to pass,
    That in the shadow of great Khazad'dum
    The horns would blow as a sign of doom
    And the fighting it would begin at noon,
    the day...the Dwarf King died."

    'Chorus' (Because do I really have to write it again?)

    Thorin laughed.
    "Excellent song Balin!" he said, swinging his arm back, just as Bilbo walked in behind him groggily. His trailing hand caught Mr Baggins in the face and sent him flying to the ground, even more unconscious than before. He realised what had happened.
    "Oops."


    Chapter 5
    Chapter 5:

    Now Thorin had brought with him a council table, in order to make the meeting seem more badass than it actually was. So he quickly set up the table using the very handy construction manual. Of course, as with most instruction manuals, it was incredibly useless, so he assembled it himself with no help at all. So the dwarves sat down around the table, with Thorin at it's head.
    "Now, Balin." said Thorin, addressing Balin. "How did the council go in Ered Luin?"
    "Well...negotiations were short."
    "In what way?"
    "They told us to get stuffed."
    "Even Dain?"
    "He sort of shuffled uncomfortably, and said that he'd left the oven on and fled the room."

    Throin growled under his breath.
    "Cowards." he said. "Anyway, the main issue here is that we need to find a way into the mountain without alerting Smaug. I believe Gandalf will explain."
    Gandalf stood up.
    "I have discovered a way into the mountain." There was a collective gasp as Gandalf revealed a key and a map.
    "Where did you find those?" said Thorin.
    "I found them with your father." Thorin clenched his fist.
    "Where was he Gandalf?"
    "I found him in the dungeons of the Necromancer. I have no idea why he was there, but he had torture marks on his body, he was covered in troll semen, and his :wub: was bleeding. I was going to ask him what the hell had happened but he kept raving about his map and key." Thorin shuddered at the thought of his proud father, cowed by a mere spot of a sexual troll assault.

    "Anyway, I have deduced that the map has runes on it, but I cannot read them. There is only one on this side of the mountain who can read them."
    "Please don't say it's Tom Bombadil." said Dori.
    "No no no. It's Elrond." Thorin smashed his fist on the table.
    "No."
    "Thorin please-"
    "He's of the same ilk as the Elk riding bastard!" (As he called Thranduil)
    "No...no he's not."
    "All elves are the same! Immortal, girly, , homosexual sons of !"
    "You are racist for no reason!" said Gandalf.

    Unfortunately it was at this point that Bilbo walked in, carrying his white flour sack that he kept his painkillers in. Thorin however believed that Bilbo had made a KKK hood for him, just to be mean.
    "I AM NOT RACIST!" he yelled and dived across the room, flykicking Bilbo back into his bedroom.
    All of the dwarves stared at Thorin as he sat there, panting.
    "What?" he said to them.

    "Anyway," said Gandalf, "Now that we're all agreed that we're going to Rivendell, I shall use this map to draw an incredibly elaborate route. He grabbed a quill and from Rivendell he drew a straight line directly to the mountain, ignoring the fact it went through several areas marked with red skulls with the words 'Don't go here or you'll die'
    " A route that will take us directly through the mountain!" he said triumphantly.
    Balin spoke up.
    "Actually I came up with a better idea. Why don't we ask one of those eagles in the Misty Mountains to fly us there?"
    "Where's the fun in that? If we work and travel together it will be an excellent bonding activity!" said Gandalf.
    "Last time I checked this was High Fantasy, not Brokeback Mountain! I don't want to bond with these people!"
    The other dwarves glared at Balin.

    "Look," said Gandalf. "I can't take you past isengard, because I fear Saruman will ask us to stay with him, and I have heard some strange rumours about him. I don't want to go past Dol Guldur because Radagast lives there, and I do not want to stay in his house ever again. And finally I want to get this done quickly because the Walking Dead starts in a months time and I really want to see the conclusion of the Mid-Season finale!"
    Balin's eyes widened.
    ", I'd forgotten about the Walking Dead! Why don't we postpone this until the Season has finished?"
    Thorin scrambled to his feet.
    "NO NO NO! We are going to the mountain! I will Sky+ the Walking dead and we can watch it back at Ered Luin when we get back! Besides, I heard that my grandfather purchased a 100 inch plasma screen LED 3D TV and installed it at Erebor just before the dragon attacked. We can watch it there!"

    The Dwarves thought for a moment then nodded as one. Thorin smiled.
    "Now....we leave at dawn."


    Chapter 6
    Chapter 6

    Darkness fell on Mirkwood as Radagast the Brown attempted to cure a small hedgehog. Who was Radagast the Brown? Well in the words of Saruman, "Radagast the Fool" would seem entirely apt. The man had become enamoured of the birds and the animals the moment he stepped off of his boat. Now he was living the life of a hermit/hippie, meaning he was smoking some pretty toxic ****, and eating whatever he could find, as long as it was a vegetable. He last washed two thousand yeras ago, meaning that when a bird crapped on his head he didn't notice and carried on as usual.

    The hedgehog he was healing was the victim of the notorious Lorien/Mirkwood motorway, a collaboration between Thranduil and Celeborn to boost trade. Using the money he extorted from the Dwarves, Thranduil managed to build a dual carriageway straight through the hedgehog's habitat. This particular hedgehog was found wedged in Galadriel's undercarriage (Of her car you dirty sons of *******) in a particularly mangled state. Radagast had volunteered to cure it, this was welcomed by Galadriel because no one likes having a hedgehog in their undercarriage. Also, she noticed that wherever Radagast walked he would leave soil behind, and she had just cleaned the floors in question, so to see him gone pleased her greatly.

    Now Radagast furiously threw his staff aside and pulled out his surgical instruments, a pair of chopsticks he recieved from a Chinese Restaurant. This would've terrified the hedgehog if it could actually see and breath. Also, the house in question was in fact, a giant tree with soil as a floor. The hedgehog would probably die as a result of infection from the dirty room and Radagast's rotting teeth. However Radagast finished his chopstick surgery quickly and was about to sit down when there came a crash and shadows appeared at the windows.

    Spiders. Giant ****ing Spiders. The spawn of Shelob, these hulking monstrosities would easily devour the hedgehog. radagst raised his staff in preparation as the hedgehog had a seizure when it realised that spiders were there. An evil hiss filled the room from outside.
    "Heal him with magic Radagast, or we'll come in and eat him!"
    "I'm healing him now! Back off *******s!" laughed Radagast. He wasn't going to tell anyone his healing 'spells' consisted of a plaster and Neurofen. He quickly checked to see if the spiders were looking, before pulling out a hidden defribulator and shocking the Hedgehog back to life.
    "He's alive!" he cried triumphantly. The Spiders began to scurry away as a hiss came back.
    "We'll be back from our secret base that is definitely not Dol Guldur!"

    Radagast followed the spiders until he at last came to the ruined fortress of Dol Guldur. He slowly crept towards the entrance, were an orc guard was standing.
    "Orcs? In Mirkwood?" he thought as he made calculation son how to grapple above the orc and then swing down. In the end, he gave up and walked up to the orc, and his smell was great enough to render the orc unconscious in moments. Obstacle dispatched, Radagast continued into the fortress. He hid behind a rock as an orc patrol marched past and at last came to a stone circle, with Nine statues in it. Each was of a hooded figure, draped in a black hood.
    "Nazgul? In Dol Guldur?" wondered Radagast.

    Unfortunately it was at this moment that Aravel the Mighty or (To those who read Sauron's Miseries) Roy came walking round the corner, his blade in hand. For this was a final test Sauron had set for any who dared face him. Unfortunately all of the good dungeon minibosses had been rented out by Ganondorf, so Sauron improvised and used Roy instead. So Roy said, in his slightly girly voice.
    "You shall not pass! I will defend my master unto death!" Radagast burst into hysterical laughter. Roy frowned.
    "What? Is it something on my-"
    "SURPRISE *****!" cried Radagast and leapt at Roy, swinging his staff.

    Roy ducked the first blow but was subsequently hit in the face, neck and chest.
    "OW!" he cried, before drawing himself up to full height and drawing his Morgul Blade. This confirmed to Radagast that this was indeed a Nazgul and not a lame imposter in a costume. Fear hit home.
    "FOR SERVANTS!" cried Roy and charged forward. Radagast swung his staff and Roy swung both of his swords at once, and as they hit all the weapons were knocked out of their hands.

    They glared at each other, before engaging in a girly slap fight, before at last Radagast kneed Roy in the groin. As Roy fell, weeping heavily, Radagast thrust forward and exposed Roy to the smell of two thousand years worth of penis dirt. Roy was literally blasted out of his robe and sent flying across oceans until he smashed into the Doors of Day, breaking his legs. Radagast dropped the robe and picked up the blade. He studied it, before suddenly he heard whispers and glanced into the Main Hall of Dol Guldur.

    He flinched as a Dark Figure stepped forward.
    "Leave, old fool. DO you not know death when you see it?"
    "Who are you? Why are you corrupting this place?"
    "Call me...THE NECROMANCER! MUHAHAHAHAHA!" Thunder and lightning sounded at that, carefully rigged by the Special Effects team.
    "Hang on a minute..." Radagast squinted. "Sauron?"
    "GOSH DARN IT!" roared Sauron. "GET HIM!" At his command the eight remaining Nazgul stepped out.

    Radagast decided that retreat was the best option, and ran. The eight chased him crying,
    "Get back here!"
    "Surrender now!"
    Radagast ignored them and ran out of the front gate. He whistled for the Radagast-Mobile, just as the orc sentry underneath him awoke from his unconscious state and sat up directly into Radagast's crotch. He promptly collapsed again. Then the Radgast-Mobile arrived, a lame rip off of Santa's sleigh, pulled by rabbits. Radagast leapt upon it and laughed as he pulled off into the darkness.

    The Nazgul called for their steeds of darkness.
    "Mount!" cried the Witch King. However because it was dark in that area they had no idea where the mounts where, so the nazgul all attempted to mount thin air. They promptly fell over onto their arses, which caused Sauron to facepalm.
    Radagast drove off into the dusk, thinking to himself,
    "A Dark power has found it's way back into the world!"

    End of Book 2



    Book 3

    Chapter 1
    Chapter 1

    Bilbo awoke with a start. He gazed bleary eyed at his open door, and vaguely remembered last nights events. He remembered his door being exploded, his pantries and larders raided, and being beaten the crap out of. And he hadn't been hosting a male stag night.

    He slowly got out of his bed, and slipped into his pink dressing gown and pink bunny slippers, (And don't tell me that no one wears them, because they do!) and walked out of the door into his hallway. It was surprisingly clean and contained only trace amounts of vomit. He slowly walked down towards his sitting room, where he knew the kettle was. He touched the wall to steady himself, and discovered to his disgust that the wall in question was covered in foul smelling liquids, some of which Bilbo identified as urine, but others seemed to be unidentifiable.
    "What had those dwarves been up to?" asked Bilbo as he reached his sitting room.

    He relaxed as he realsied that his room was not in a mess, and everything was as he had left it.
    "Maybe it was all just a bad dream." he assured himself and immediately pulled some soup he had left in the oven from his stove. He ate that ravenously, and then went to his kettle to boil some tea. He whistled the merry tune of the kettle, bobbing his head as it whistled away. He immediately added milk and two sugars, and sat down on his chair by the fire. He smiled as he looked deep into the crackling flames. Suddenly a voice behind him said,
    "What the devil are you doing Bilbo Baggins?" Bilbo was so startled he dropped his tea into his lap and instantly gave a scream that only people who have dropped tea onto their laps can truly understand.

    He rolled off of his chair, clutching his scorched genitals. Above him stood Gandalf, staff in hand, shaking his head dissaprovingly.
    "I asked, what the devil are you doing Bilbo Baggins?" he asked again.
    "Rolling around in agony!" cried Bilbo.
    "No time for that!" said Gandalf. "The Dwarves are waiting for you at Bywater."
    "What?" siad Bilbo. "No,no,no! I'm not going on a silly adventure that will get me killed!"

    Gandalf suddenly appeared to grow in height and began to shout, in a deep booming voice.
    "BILBO BAGGI-" he then grew to such height he smashed his head on the ceiling and groaned in pain.
    "Yeah the whole initimidation thing went great." said Bilbo sarcastically.
    "The fact is that it's in your nature to want adventures!"
    "I am a Baggins of Bag End! I don't do adventures."
    "But you are also descended from the Tooks!"
    "So? There are people descended from Heinrich Himmler but they don't boast about it."

    "Like I say, I am a Baggins of Bag End." Bilbo repeated.
    "I'll get the council to change the name to Bell-End!" threatened Gandalf.
    "Yeah...sure." said Bilbo as he stormed off up his corridor.
    "Where are you going?" asked Gandalf.
    "To get a crumpet!" retorted Bilbo and went to a larder door.
    "Don't go i-" Gandalf siad, but Bilbo opened the door and went inside. He screamed and rushed out, slamming the door behind him.
    "WHY IS THERE A ING CAVE TROLL IN MY LARDER?"
    "I can't remember," said Gandalf.
    "Shut up! Don't you try and pull The Hangover on me!"

    Gandalf sighed as Bilbo then said,
    "Are there any other surprises here? Any other monsters in my larders?"
    "No no no...just don't go in your toilet."
    "Why?"
    "It's...just probably best that you get a specialist to check it first."
    "Uh-huh."

    Gandalf then stared at Bilbo.
    "I know..." he mumbled, and then yelled,
    "Come on Bilbo, time to leave!"
    "But-"
    "No time for that!"
    "But-"
    "No time for that either, go on!" Bilbo ran into his room, threw on his hiking gear, and still with his bunny slippers and lacking any forms of pocket hankerchiefs, ran out of the house.
    Gandalf laughed.
    "Got him with those word games of mine...ha!"

    Thorin and co were bored waiting. Every decent prostitute in the area had been used, and they were growing impatient, waiting for their burgular.
    "Why do we need a burgular anyway?" asked one.
    "Yeah, all he did was get hit in the face last night!"
    "He was awfully small."
    "He had pretty eyes." all the other dwarves stared at Oin, who had said the last statement.
    "Errrrrr....just making an observation."

    Bilbo came running along, map in hand, pink bunny slippers on his feet. Thorin laughed as Bilbo ran into him.
    "Well done lad!" he said, and slapped Bilbo in the face a few times. He turned away as gandalf rode up on his stallion.
    "So Thorin, are we prepared?"
    "Of course. Mr Baggin's steed awaits him." he pointed to a small rocking horse on wheels.
    "Very funny," said Bilbo and sat on the rocking horse, which was attached to the back of Oin's pony. Thorin laughed again as he and his company set off.

    For hours they travelled, going further than Bilbo had ever been. They were nearly killed when they tried an ill advised shortcut through Farmer Maggot's field, this was how one of the Dwarves ended up with a hatchet permanently buried in his head. They avoided the Old Forest, through fear that Bombadil might invite them round for tea, and possibly grace them with a section of his one man musical 'Man of the Forest.' Reviews had been so bad that some reviewers refused to review it. The reason of course was that the song had the tendency to cause plants to become angry and start to throttle the audience. Also, the duet between Bombadil and Old Man Willow was reputedly the worst thing the reviewers had ever heard, with many using pins to burst their own eardrums.

    In any case, the party left the shire, and passed bree along the road, nearly running over a badass looking man in a cloak, whose horse and cart were forced into a ditch. After a heated discussion he told the dwarves to go themselves and stormed off. Not very nice for the heir of Isildur. Thorin called him an elf friend bastard and an inbred son of his sister before continuing on his way. They also passed a police checkpoint, wehere Thorin hid his face, for they had found his burial site of the elf he had beaten to detah with a shovel. After a few questions they were allowed to continue forward.

    Amd although the start was merry and fine, the dwarves could not shake the feeling that they were being watched.


    Chapter 2
    Chapter 2
    And after a few days of travel, the dwarves decided to settle down for a bite to eat one evening. Bilbo was very much missing his pocket hankerchief, and especially soft toilet paper, as he'd had to resort to using moss as a way of keeping his arse clean. Unfortunately, he had once mistaken stinging nettles for moss, and couldn't ride again for several hours. The dwarves pulled out tinderboxes and made several fires, where they gathered round and told of merrier times. Bilbo laughed along with them, although he didn't quite get the joke about Thingol being murdered. Still, as long as the dwarves were having a good time. Bilbo looked up and saw Thorin rumaging in a large sack. Bilbo then walked over to him.

    "Are you okay Mister Oakenshield?" he asked. Thorin didn't look up.
    "Fine Mr Baggins, I'm getting out my stress ball."
    "Stress ball?" said Bilbo as Thorin pulled a bound and gagged orphan from his sack.
    "Yeah, Bobby here as been my stress ball for years. He's lasted longer than the other ones."
    "Other ones?" asked Bilbo weakly.
    "Let's not go into details." said Thorin as he unbound and ungagged Bobby.

    "Right Bobby." said Thorin. "Stand up." Bobby stood up uncertainly. Thorin then laid a haymaker right into his stomach. Bobby fell weeping to the ground.
    "Hell yeah!" yelled Thorin. "That gets the blood pumping! Get up Bobby!"
    Bobby got up again and Thorin sidekicked him in the jaw, which was impressive for someone only 4 feet high.
    Bilbo slowly edged away towards Balin.
    "Why does Thorin use 14 year old orphans as stress balls?" asked Bilbo.
    Balin shook his head. "He's a bit...angry since he lost Thrain. He started beating up orphans almost immediately afterwards."

    Suddenly the fire went out.
    "Blast! Get the fire back on Gand-" the dwarves looked around, for Gandalf had gone.
    "Confound that wizard!" said Nori. "Now wha-" suddenly they all noticed the fire flickering through the woods.
    "There's a fire over there Thorin!" said Nori. Thorin had just finished teabagging Bobby.
    "Probably just some...wait, where are our ponies?" They all looked around again and saw that their ponies were gone.

    "They must have taken them! Let's kill 'em!" roared Thorin.
    "But they might not have taken them."
    "We don't even know who they are." came the replies.
    "Well do you have a better idea?" asked Thorin.
    "Why don't we send Mr Baggins out to investigate." suggested Balin.
    Bilbo looked up from the small chicken bone he was gnawing on.
    "Saw what?" he asked.

    Bilbo slowly crept through the trees as Balin whispered behind him,
    "If you get into trouble, hoot three times like an owl."
    "Why can't we choose a bird that isn't common in a forest, like a parrot? Or a Kiwi?"
    "Shut up and investigate." siad Balin.
    Bilbo slowly crept through the tree cover and reached the fire. He was immediately struck with the foul smell of half-rotting cod and chips. He looked up and blanched.

    Cockneys. The Cockneys were ancient enemies of the dwarves, bred by Sauron to kill hundreds with a few blows, to ruin hundreds of Gondor Let's Plays, and to infuriate with their accents. They were monstrous, 15 foot high with grey skin, because where they came from smog constantly blotted out the sun. These particular Cockneys had been terrorising the local area for years, but apparently the Rangers of the North had better things to do than protect their ancient kingdom, so these Cockneys had been left to their own devices. They were currently having an arguement.
    "Fish and Chips today, Fish and Chips yesterday and I'll be damned if it 'ain't Fish and Chips tommorow! Why can't we 'ave some variety Bill?" asked one.
    "Shut it you slag! I told ya, the salmon in the Sea of Rhun are protected, we'd need to apply for a license to fish there, and with your fat belly we'd be throguh 'em in a day. So shut it Tom!" said Bill
    "Why don't you both shut up and enjoy this slap up meal?" said the third troll
    "Shut it Bert!" the first two said.

    This arguement would've continued all night, but Bilbo had spotted a knife on one of the Cockney's belt. He crept forward and tried to grab it, but the troll turned and grabbed Bilbo, swinging him upside down.
    "'Ere! Look what I found!" said Bert. The other two Cockney's glared at Bilbo.
    "What is it?" ased Bill.
    "Dunno. Shall we roast it over the pot until it talks?" Bilbo squeaked out at that.
    "My name is Bilbo Baggins, I'm a Burga-Hobbit!"
    "A....Burga-Hobbit?" said Bert.
    "I like Burgers.." mused Tom. "And he looks pretty tasty, though a little small for my liking."

    "Are there any more of your sort round 'ere?" asked Bert, poking Bilbo.
    "Er....yes....yes, if you'll put me down I'll show y-" he choked as Bert squeezed his chest.
    "I don't think so my lad!" Do you think I'm dumb?" said Bert.
    "I do." said Bill.
    "Shut it!" Bert roared, and dropped Bilbo. The Cockneys probably would then have had a fight, alowing Bilbo to escape, but then Thorin and co burst onto the scene.

    "Baruk Khazad!" roared Thorin, before the Cockney swiped him away with a massive hand.
    "DWARVES!" howled Tom, stamping his foot. "Uncooked, breathing DWARVES!" A huge battle then ensued, which involved Bert being knocked onto the ground before Bombour dive bombed onto his chest, breaking several ribs.
    However the Cockneys then took the advantage and eventually managed to grab all of the dwarves and Bilbo and tied them up. They panted heavily as they looked at their catch.
    "Bill, if you please?" Bill smiled and put on an apron and a chef hat. He then pulled out a carving knife and several garnishes and condiments.
    "So...how do you like your dwarf?" he asked with a massive degree of mirth.


    Chapter 3
    Chapter 3: Help from a very unlikely source

    The dwarves were tied up in sacks and placed near the fire, while Bilbo hid in the trees and did what he did best, which was bugger all. Bert was consulting the 'Evil cookbook of Doom' written by Gordon Ramsey, the most evil chef of all time.
    "Now...there we are 'Ow to cook Dwarf, chapter 7. Hmm....just reading this makes my stomach juices start to pump!"
    "Shut it Bert! What's in there?"
    "Lets see...Soup made of Dwarf intestines, brains and testicles." At that Balin piped up,
    "Most of this group don't have brains." The others glared at him.

    Bert continued in a voice loud enough for the dwarves to hear.
    "Sauted dwarf in a delicious mulberry source. Roast Dwarf with crackling in a delicious apple sauce. And finally, Dwarf Jelly for dessert, made by sitting on dwarves."
    "I really don't think it's a good idea!" said Balin.
    "Hm...it all sounds good." mulled William. "What do you lot think?"
    "I say we saute 'em!" said Bert.
    "Roast 'em!" roared Tom
    "Why not split 'em into three groups and try it on each group. Like a sharing platter." suggested William.
    "You mean like we used to get in the old days?" said Tom.

    "Yeah." said William enthusiatically.
    "Actually it's not a bad idea." said Bert.
    "I agree," said Tom.
    Suddenly there came a roar and a crash and through the bracken came a shining warrior in golden armor, with no wrinkle on his face, and no scars.
    "FEAR MY PRESENCE FOUL COCKENYS!" he cried, and his voice had no flaw.
    "And who are you?" asked Bert.
    "You will know me only as the great hero Marie Shoe, your doom!"

    Betr stratched his head.
    "Isn't Marie a girls name?"
    "No! Where I come from, a land of magic and legends and awesome, all of the people are called Marie!"
    "And isn't your name some sort play on the words 'Mary Sue?'"
    "No! I have flaws!"
    "Like?"
    "Erm...Give me a second..."
    "Selective anmesia," suggested Balin.
    "SHUT UP! YOU BASTARDS KILLED MY PARENTS AND BURNED MY HOUSE TO THE GROUND!"

    Tom facepalmed.
    "Real imaginative backstory you got there. Did Chris Metzen write it for you?"
    "How did you- I mean, I am amazing! I killed every boss in WoW using by bare hands! I-
    Bert punched him in the face and he went flying out of the glade with a cry of,
    "I won't forget this!"
    Tom sighed.
    "What a collosal ****. Now anyway, where were we..."

    Suddenly an incredibly bad cockney accent echoed across the glades,
    "Oi reckon that we should 'ave a fight over what we do with 'em." it sounded more Australian than Cockney.
    Tom frowned.
    "William? Did you eat some bad fish or something? Your accent is weird."
    "It's not me you liar!"
    "'Ow dare you call me liar!" roared Tom and attacked William.

    As they rolled around, they accidently rolled into the fire and sent sparks flying up into Bert's face. He roared and elbow dropped the both of them and a three way assault began.
    Bert punched William's tooth out, so William kicked him square in the testicles. Tom then gave William a massive wedgie, so that blood actually dripped from William's arse onto the dwarves. All the while the terrible cockney accent gave helpful advice.
    "It 'elps if you hit him with a left. Then a right." The trolls continue to wrestle for a minute before realising something very important.
    "'Ere. We we're all beating the shite out of each other, 'o's making that noise?"
    The voice quickly became nervous.
    "Erm...I'm your... bad conscience?"
    "There's another dwarf....maybe some Burgahobbits tricking us!"

    The trolls scrambled up and were about to search for the voice when a loud voice cried,
    "To stone with you mother****ers!"
    Suddenly a huge stone split and light streamed through. Thousands of years of living under the thick smog of Mordor and London had caused sunlight to have terrible effects on Cockneys.
    They instantly turned to stone and moved no more. Gandalf (For it was Gandalf.) leapt down in triumph.
    "Hell yeah!" he roared and turned to the dwarves, Unfortuntely both halves of the split stone had fallen on the sacks and caused no amount of pain to the dwarves.

    After extraditing the dwarves and rescuing Bilbo from the tree Gandalf called out,
    "Come on out!"
    A man with a grey moustache and grey hair walked out, grinning broadly. They both embraced.
    "Thank you for that." said Gandalf.
    "No problem Gandalf. Anytime! No, if you'll excuse me, I have season 9000 of Diagnosis Murder to film." and with that he walekd off through the firest and appears no more in this tale.

    The dwarves stared after the stranger. Balin turned to Gandalf.
    "Was that-"
    "Yes Balin...yes it was." said Gandalf with a sigh.


    Chapter 4
    Chapter 4

    Lord Ozga stood smiling under his hood as he surveyed his mottley host. The survivors of the Tolkien Society attack were being treated in hospital but luckily Number 3 was perfectly fine after his little incident. Still the rest were fresh orcs, some of them grim uruks from Mordor who decided that they might as well get some action elsewhere before the real fight began. Ozga cleared his throat.
    "Ahem! Today, I welcome you, to the official rebranding of our great army! No longer shall we be the Orcs of the Misty Mountains and Gundabad! We shall be...Angmar." Silence filled the crowd as one orc raised his hand.
    "Yes?" asked Ozga.
    "Didn't the Witch King already take that name?"
    "Yes, that's the point."
    "So you're advocating stealing ideas from the Nazgul?"
    "No, Angmar's name will spread fear throughout the land!"
    "But everyone knows about Angmar! They tell jokes about Angmar! People lobby to get them included in Third Age: Total War! Now look at Sauron, he's done his whole rebranding stuff, he's no longer the Dark Lord of Mordor, he's now... THE NECROMANCER MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! You see if we keep the good guys guessing we will win!"

    Ozga sighed and cut off the pretentious orc's head.
    "Does anyone else have an objection?" he asked.
    Everyone raised their hands, including Number 3.
    "Seriously? The name is amazing!"
    "No," said one Uruk. "It's not."
    "Do you really want to argue with me?" asked Azog and threw off his hood, revealing his reattached metal head.

    The uruk started to laugh.
    "What?" asked Ozga.
    "You have a dent in your head!" laughed the uruk and he started to roll on the floor in laughter.
    "WHAT? Number 3, mirror, now." He examined himself. "Bastards! They told me that they fixed the dent! Ost-in-Edhil training my arse!" he roared and covered his head again.
    "Anyway. Second item on the agenda. Is my disguise any good?" The orcs stared at him before mumbling in agreement. Ozga looked confused.
    "Are they saying my disguise is good?" he asked Number 3.
    "I think they're dodging the question, since you look like a complete **** in that disguise." said Number 3.

    Ozga roared out,
    "Right! Raise your hands if you think my disguise is ****!" Every orc raised their hands, some even raised two just to make doubly sure. The cave troll at the back raised his hand, even though he was too stupid to know what was going on.
    "Is it really that bad?" he asked.
    "Well," said one orc. "Every reader of the book guessed who you were instantly, so yes it's pretty bad."

    Ozga looked crushed.
    "Anyway..erm...item 3. Revenge on Thorin Oakenshield. How do you think we should kill him?" The decapitated orc got up and stuck his head back on.
    "Why do you want revenge on Thorin anyway?"
    "Because he's a dwarf! And he cut my he- I mean....because I have a secret grudge that I'm not going to reveal."
    "But Thorin had nothing to do with you, it was Billy Connoly over at the Iron Hills."
    "You do realise that we'd have to travel through the Elf country to get there? Why bother when we have a dwarf coming right for us!"

    The orcs nodded in approval.
    "Only good dwarf is a dead dwarf, as my old dad used to say." said one orc.
    "What happened to him?" asked another orc.
    "Food poisoning after eating an undercooked dwarf."
    "Yuck."
    "I know, the worst thing was it wasn't even a nice tasting dwarf, not tender at all, and there was no crackling with it either."

    Ozga smiled.
    "So, now I have a plan to trap Thorin so that he can never possibly escape. I'm then going to kill him in an elaborate way that will offer him time to escape, but it'll be fun! The plan is-"
    Suddenly there was a rumbling and as Ozga looked up he saw the Radagastmobile coming flying through his crowd of orcs, sending some flying aside, and sent other flying to the ground cut in half, for Radagast had activated his secret Gladiator-style blades that came out of the side of the sleigh. As he passed he threw stinging nettles at the orcs, before throwing sodium chloride solutions at them, just to rub salt in the wounds. (BOOM! Science joke!) He had also placed C-4 on his rabbits in case he got stuck and trapped by the orcs.

    Ozga growled and was about to say something offensive about hippies when the Radagastmobile hit a ramp and flew towards Ozga at head height. Ozga sighed.
    "Motherfuc-" he said before having his head taken off by the sleigh. Radagast roared with laughter as he sped away down the mountains. As the dust settled the orcs began to pick themselves up. Some offered each other limbs, asking if the limbs belonged to the respective person. Some looted the dead, some looted the dying, and some looted the ones that were looting the corpses, in order to create the possibility of a lootception joke.
    Ozga's boddy lay cold upon the mountain.

    Number 3 chased Ozga's head down the hill as Ozga screamed,
    "Faster you lazy bastard! I'm getting dizzy!"
    "I can only go as fast as my legs can carry me!"
    "I can arrange it so that you lose the legs," threatened Ozga.
    "I'm starting to feel sick!" he screamed again.
    "How can you be sick, you've got stomach to vomit out of!"
    "Shut the hell up!" roared Ozga.

    'Dol Guldur'

    "Well done Aravel!" said Sauron (For he did not know of Roy's true identity.) "You did a great job!"
    "Really!" asked Roy.
    "Yes really!" said Sauron. "In fact, I'm going to give you a reward!"
    "A reward? Is it that Wii U I always wanted?"
    "Even better." smiled Sauron. "Come, walk with me."

    They reached an open door.
    "I got you a puppy." said Sauron.
    "YAY!" screeched Roy and rushed into the room. Sauron sniffed and then closed and locked the door behind him. The sign read, 'Warning! Special breed. The Penis eating spider'
    Sauron chuckled and unlocked another door.
    "Viewing gallery 5 is now open, he announced into the microphone." he said with another chuckle.
    He wistfully listened and suddenly heard faintly,
    "WHAT THE F-! NO NO NO NO ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" suddenly he heard a crunch and the splat of blood on the viewing gallery window.

    "A fun day out for all the family!" he laughed. "What a complete idiot!" He laughed again before breaing out in a chorus of maniacal laughter as he walked back to his throne room


    Chapter 5
    Chapter 5

    "So, I ran into some elves along the way, as I was scouting ahead, and they told me about a Mary Sue that had been challenging everyone for no apparent reason. So I decided to deal with this issue before he ran into you and started waving his gold sword around. It was at that moment that I ran into Mr Van Dyke, and we got talking. It had been a while since we last met, when I put that flying charm on that Chitty Car of his (The mis-spelling is intended) so we had a lot to talk about. We both commented on each others fine facial hair, and how the young 'uns today don't know the meaning of the word facial hair, and all of the other good stuff like that." Gandalf said.
    "So what happened?" asked Thorin.
    "Well, on the way here, we met with an old fish and chip shop owner, who said he was off to complain to Elrond about a bunch of Cockneys who kept raiding his shop. My fears were doubled, for if the Mary Sue and the Cockneys met, it might cause the Mary Sue to go on about his ridiculous back story that no one cares about. So I had Dick impersonate them using his legendary Cockney accent, while I prepared to let in sunlight and kill them." Gandalf turned to Bombur.
    "I'm very sorry about the stone landing on you like that, it's just that I haven't quite got the hang of splitting stone yet." Bombur nodded, and winced in pain.

    Gandalf looked up.
    "Now. I believe that these Cockney's had a hoard of treasure nearby, as do most Cockneys in the wild. They'll likely keep it in a cave, where they hide from the sunlight." So the group quickly found the cave, surrounded by bones and carcasses.
    "Reminds of Dublin." said James Nesbitt happily. The group slowly advanced into the cave and lit torches with their tinderboxes. They collectively gasped. There were small piles of gold, and silver and some precious stones all around, and the dwarves had seen little of these since their exile.
    "Incredible." muttered Bilbo, as the dwarves started to stuff some of the gold down their pockets. Gandalf and Thorin went further ahead and discovered a trove of weapons. Daggers, bows, swords, axes, it was a weapon stash to rival that of the White House. Gandalf picked up one weapon, in a scabbard that shone. He slowly removed the gleaming blade.
    "This is of elven make." he said, before dodging as Thorin spat at the blade. Thorin himself picked up another.
    "Elven make again." said Thorin and checked around, before finding a short sword.
    "This would be a perfect weapon for the burgular," he said and thrust it into Bilbo's hands.
    "That is of Elven make Mr Baggins. Look after it." he said before headbutting Bilbo to the floor.

    Thye looked around for a little longer, but they eventually left the cave with gold and the three weapons. At that moment the gold pile stirred and an old bearded elf emerged, with gleaming eyes. He turned to face his invisible audience.
    "I suppose you're wondering how I survived the fall of Gondolin?" he asked. " Well lets just say it took 10 years, 60000 steel spoons, and a large tunnel." he began to laugh but then frowned and looked at his weapon stash.
    "Wait... where is my sword? Those bastards stole my sword!" he roared and rushed outside. He shook his fist at the forest.
    "I won't forget about this!" he cried, before suddenly he heard rustling behind him.
    "Wha-" he began but then the great hero Marie Shoe rushed from the bracken and hacked at Turgon. Turgon ducked and grabbed a javelin from a nearby pile and threw it. It struck Shoe directly in the face, but he kept on walking.
    "WHAT is this ********?" roared Turgon.
    "'Tis but a scratch!" laughed Shoe, before slicing Turgon's arm off. He fell screaming to the floor as his arm fell into a campfire and burned.
    "You hateful bastard!" roared Turgon as Shoe walked off in his cocky badass way, pulling javelin out of his face as he went.

    Gandalf and the group crossed the great plains that led to the Rivendell.
    "We aren't far now from the secret entrance to Rivendell."
    "How do you know?" asked Balin. Gandalf pointed at the road sign which said, 'Secret Entrance to Rivendell' 3/4 miles'.
    "That's handy," muttered Bilbo. Gandalf stood up to his full height.
    "Onwards, comrades!" he said but then there came a cry of,
    "Yoo hoo! Gandalf!" and suddenly the Radagastmobile was headed straight at them. Gandalf nearly burst into tears.
    "You have got to be-" he turned to the dwarves. "Say nothing to him. And DO NOT offer him alcohol. It never ends well."

    Radagast stopped in front of Gandalf, who recoiled from the hideous smell.
    "Gandalf my old friend!" Radagast lent in for a hug but Gandalf leant back.
    "No thank you Radagast , I just washed these robes. Anyway how are things? Still not washing?"
    "Not really. I do dip my finger into a puddle every decade or so, but apart from that no. But Gandalf, I bring grave news."
    "They closed down the Mirkwood Cannabis store?" said Gandalf sarcastically.
    "They did, those bastards. But Mirkwood is suffering Gandalf. Something is happening!"
    "Yes, we've been aware of this for about 2000 years Radagast."

    "yes but...there are dark creatures in Dol Guldur!" Gandalf suddenly was interested.
    "What dark creatures?"
    "Spiders, the Kardashians, there are terrible things there Gandalf. It's worse than the last time you went there."
    "How bad?"
    "This bad." said Radagast and pulled out a cloth. Gandalf slowly unwrapped it, took one look, and vomited.
    "BAT FECES?" roared Gandalf.
    "Whoops sorry, that's me lunch, I was saving them for later. I meant this cloth!"

    Gandalf unwrapped it and inside there lay a morgul blade. He blanched.
    "How many?"
    "All nine, or eight and one wuss if you count the one I fought. And there is...."
    "Yes?" said Gandalf.
    "It's too horrible to contemplate." said Radgast, in a panicky voice, but Gandalf grabbed some pipeweed and shoved it in Radagast's mouth. Smoke came form his ears and he calmed.
    "It's... It's Sauron, Gandalf.
    "Sauron?"
    "He was wearing a rubbish disguise and called himself the Necromancer, but it's him."

    Gandalf growled but then there came howlings of wolves and the laughs of goblins. Gandalf slowly stroked the underside of Radagast's sleigh as he listened.
    "Wolves. Goblins. This far from the mountains? We may be slightly screwed here."


    Chapter 6
    Chapter 6

    Radagast suddenly got up upon his sled.
    "Fear not Gandalf, you go. I'll cover you."
    "I know the howls Radagast. These are wargs of Mount Gundabad, they'll kill you in an instant!"
    "These are Rhosgobel Rabbits. I'd like to see them try!" said Radagast triumphantly. As a side note, the Rhosgobel Rabbits are an Elven football (Soccer to any Americans) team, with one of the best home records in the league. They did lose half their team in the notorious TA 3001 League Cup final when an mistimed tackle caused the Mordorian fans to go on a brutal rampage, shish-kabobing the referee, and impaling the goalkeeper with his own goalpsots. The violence was only stopped whenGaladriel brought an entire section of the stadium crashing down on the rioters.

    Anyway, Radagast then leapt upon his sleigh and with a roar he set off. The party began to run across the plains, as the brown wargs of Gundabad began to chase Radagast. Gandalf ordered the dwarves to keep down, which several of them took as a joke about their height and grumbled slightly. Bilbo kept his head down, terrified as the wargs bayed and yapped as they chased down the Radagastmobile. The party ran from rock to rock, hiding each time Radagast drew the wargs past. Finally they found themselves trapped behind a rock with no other place to run.
    "Still," said Gandalf. "It could be worse."
    Suddenly there came a roar and suddenly they turned and the golden armoured Mary Shoe was charging towards them across the plain, shouting obsence nonsense and 'Die, foul vermin!"
    "Okay," said Gandalf, "It just got worse."
    "Talk about being trapped between a rock and a hard place." said Bilbo, hoping to make light of the situation. THorin turned, laughed, and then headbutted Bilbo.
    "Ori, carry Mr Baggins. We run now." said Thorin.

    Radagast leaned out of his sleigh and threw a small parcel backwards. It expanded rapidly and formed into a giant comedy brick wall, and the unfortunate ward behind him smashed into it, catapulting it's rider over the wall. As Radagast turned back he noticed the golden streak running across the field.
    "More devils of Sauron." he muttered and activated his chariot blades.
    Marie Shoe was panting, almost out of breath.
    "Gah! I'll never stop! I'm invinci-" he was then cut in half Gladiator style by Radgasts sleigh and lay panting on the ground.
    "The Light of Avalar will heal me!" he cried as he crawled towards his severed bottom half.

    Gandalf smiled as he watched Shoe get sliced up.
    "Radagast has served his purpose." he smiled. Thorin looked up.
    "Gandalf, he's being surrounded. What do we do?"
    "Take out two birds with one stone." said Gandalf and pressed a big red button. The bomb he had placed upon Radagasts sleigh last chapter exploded, activating the bunny C4 and causing an absolutely huge explosion, killing most of the wargs, and sending a large piece of chariot crashing down upon Marie Shoe as he reached for his torso.
    "See?" said Gandalf, laughing at the devastation.

    Suddenly the grin was wiped from his face. The surviving wargs saw them and began to charge.
    "Erm...did anyone bring spears?" he asked.
    "Nope. We dwarves don't believe in spears, unless you build the level 5 barracks in Moria of course." said Balin.
    "Well....RUN!" The party began to run, the unconscious Bilbo dangling across Ori's shoulders. The wargs were close now, 50 metres and closing. 30 metres and closing.
    But then there came a roar and elf horsemen smashed into the wargs with their lances, with cries of "PWNED *****!"
    The wargs were mostly killed and shattered and ran in many directions, questioning why King Kong hadn't given them decent armor.
    The dwarves came to a small crevase and dived in, too terrified to turn back amid the noise of warg being skewered.

    They fell into a cave, and began to explore.
    "Are you sure this is a good idea?" said Balin to Thorin. "Look what happened in the Ered Luin mining disaster."
    Thorin did not need reminding on the mining disaster, where the Dwarves had accidently discovered some explosives left over from the War in Eriador. Unfortunately the light activated the eplosives and caused the entire mine to collapse. 300 dwarves had died, and the richest source of gold in the mountains had been blocked.
    "Relax" said Thorin. "Who stores explosives in this sort of cave anyway."
    "I've seen a few," said Gandalf as they continued, with Bilbo now conscious and able to walk.

    Suddenly they came to an exit and they stood astounded for they were in the Hidden Valley, Rivendell. They seemed to have come in the back entrance, as opposed to the ford that one could easily cross. Still, they at least were safe. Or so they thought.
    There came many fair voices, singing as one, however the song they were singing was awful.
    "And I was like, baby baby baby oooooh, baby baby baby ooooh." was the general jist of what they were singing. Gandalf's cheeks began to flush with anger.
    "OI! Wrong soundtrack you morons! Get the greeting one!" The elves stopped and grumbled, and marched off.
    "Idiots." muttered Gandalf. "All into this Pop music crap. What's wrong with a bit of poetry, or the Lay of Luthien?"
    The dwarves refused to answer, so shocked were they by the rendition they had just heard.

    At last they came to the bridge to the Last Homely House, a name invented by Elrond to piss off Celeborn and Thranduil, as both believed their houses to bee very homely indeed. There an elf dressed in blue stood, along with a few bored guards.
    "My lord Elrond would come to greet you, but alas he heard there were goblins nearby, so he decided to do a spot of hunting since those damned Labour bastards haven't banned goblin hunting yet."
    "Entirely understandable. Tell me, how goes the bow training, young elf."
    "I can fire off about 20 arrows a minute."
    "Still below average then?"
    "Not a candle on Legolas sadly, but that's only because I haven't worked out how he does his infinite ammo hacks. It's only a matter of time."
    Thorin grumbled, "We Dwarves invented that hack, but we gave it to Thranduil and he won't give it back."

    Then there came a laugh and all turned. For on the road there came a heavily breathing, slightly burned Marie Shoe. He was holding his waist, as though he hadn't stitched himself back together properly.
    "I'm back fools! Now feel my holy wrath! FOR NARNIA!" he cried and began to rush towards the bridge. The blue elf raised an eyebrow.
    "Friend of yours?" he asked.
    "Luckily, no." said Gandalf.
    But then there came the rush of hoofs, and SHoe found himself being knocked in the back by the returning elven cavalry. He was knocked aside and rolled of the road, off the cliff and down into the lake below.
    "I'll never give uuuuup!" he cried as he vanished from view.

    The elven cavalry halted, and Elrond dismounted. He was smiling, which was a rarity, but in those days Elrond didn't have Rangers chasing after his daughter. He came forth to Gandalf.
    "Gandalf. Welcome to my house. Now, let me give you the Elven greeting. He smiled and began to sing.
    "Trala-lala-lala-lala, welcome to the valle-" suddenly Thorin, in a fit of rage and anger at the singing, pulled out a hammer and struck Elrond in the testicles. He fell down to his knees and Thorin lashed a mean kick into his face. As the Lord of Rivendell sank unconscious to the ground, Thorin rubbed his hands together.
    "Right. What's for dinner then?"



    Book 4

    Chapter 1
    Chapter 1

    While Elrond was busy recovering from his smackdown, Sauron was brooding. His construction workers has informed him that Barad'dur was nearing completion, and that the Black Gate was working properly. But Dol Guldur was still in ruins, and Sauron's budget was running very low. He was formulating a cunning plan in order to get hold of some extra funding.
    "Let's see....yes.....we kidnap Steward Ecthelion and then threaten to kill him unless Gondor pays us.....ONE MILLION POUNDS!" he laughed evilly while holding his finger near his mouth. But then another idea came to him.
    "And then once they've paid the ransom.....kill him anyway! MUHAHAHAHA!" he nearly fell off his throne with laughter, for he revelled in being evil.

    But then there came shouting from outside and the Witch King stormed in.
    "Boss!" he roared.
    "Aren't you forgetting something?" said Sauron. The Witch King sighed.
    "I'm sorry, oh lord-master-high-excellency of awesome."
    "That's better." said Sauron. "So what's the issue."
    "My problem is with this douchebag!" the Witch King grumbled, pointing at a dark stranger in the doorway.

    He wore black armour, and had a very badass sort of tone about him.
    "And who are you?" demanded Sauron.
    "I am Malekith, The Witch King." claimed the figure.
    "You see! I'm the Witch King! ME!" The Witch King shrieked.
    "I don't know....this guy is kinda cool looking. He'd look great next to me on our posters, you know back to back and all of that cool posing."
    "I am a master of cool posing." Malekith said.
    "But! But....he's not even of this world! He's a phoney!"
    "Yack yack yack Witch King, or should I say 'Ex- Witch King'?"

    The Witch King froze.
    "WHAT?"
    "That's right, you're fired!" Sauron roared, and pointed a finger at him.
    "But what about all of the good times?"
    "I can count them on my fingers, and one of them isn't even attached!" laughed Sauron.
    The Witch King burst into tears and fled the room.
    "Wuss." said Sauron. "So Malekith, obviously this has to be all official like, so you'll need to have an interview. Do you have a business suit?"
    "Will my evil overlord gear do?"
    "Of course." smiled Sauron.

    So Sauron sat in his office, looking very official. There were several applicants for the post and he was eager to meet them.
    Malekith walked in.
    "Ok, so let's begin. Name?" said Sauron, putting on his reading glasses.
    "Malekith."
    "Occupation?"
    "...I don't have one, that's why I'm applying."
    "Good job seeing through the trick question." said Sauron. "Do you have any allergies?"
    "I am allergic to weakness and failure." Malekith said Stoically.
    "Good, we don't fail much around here!" said Sauron, laughing nervously, for he was lying.

    "So, what have you done that's so....well, evil?"
    "I started a civil war against my own kin."
    "Good."
    "Murdered my liege."
    "Also good."
    "Sunk an island."
    "I can relate." said Sauron, remembering the good old days. "So if you could describe yourself in one word, what would it be?"
    "Evil." replied Malekith.
    "Good answer." said Sauron happily. "NEXT!"

    Malekith left the room. Suddenly the door opened and Roy walked in.
    "I'm here about a job inter-"
    "Get the **** out." said Sauron.
    "But my CV"
    "I don't care about your car, get out! This is serious business!"
    Roy left the room miserably.

    An armoured man with glowing blue eyes and an echo voice came in.
    "And you are....Arthas?" said Sauron.
    "I am the Lich King!" roared the figure.
    "You're already a king?" asked Sauron.
    "Yes, but two never hurt anyone." repleid Arthas.
    "Ambitious....I like it." Sauron smiled.

    "So Arthas, what have you done that is so evil?"
    "I killed my father, the king."
    "Regicide and patricide....I like that!"
    "I raised an undead army and destroyed everything in my path."
    "Undead army...why didn't I think of that?" murmured Sauron.
    "And I died heroically defending my keep to the last."
    "Wait....you LOST?"
    "Well, yeah but-"
    "Bah, we don't accept failure here!"
    "Hang on a minute, YOU lost!"
    Sauron looked away.
    "A fluke. Khamul! Escort this moron to the spider pit!"

    Sauron sighed as the next guy came in. He was a young man with a crown on his head, and he looked as though he had come from inbreeding.
    "Are you from Game of Thrones?"
    "Yes."
    "Then no." said Sauron and blasted him out of the room.
    "Not nearly enough incest for my liking," he mumbled to himself as he filled out a form.

    Suddenly the door opened a final time. It was Sauron's secretary (In reality Copernicus in a dress and a wig.)
    "Boss. One last geezer to see ya!" and he closed the door.
    "Who could this be-"
    Suddenly the door blew off it's hinges and a figure walked in.
    "BEHOLD! For I am Galbatorix!" he cried with distinct authority.
    Sauron sighed and took off his glasses.

    "Galbatorix....how many times do I have to tell you, we don't accept anyone who can be beaten by a horny teenager with a love of dragons and elf girls."
    "But....but!" Galbatorix whined.
    "Remember Galbatorix, you may have all of your fancy dragons and flashing ********, but remember, I WAS FIRST!" roared Sauron.
    He slammed his fist on his desk and then blasted Galbatorix away.
    "Seriously, who gets beaten by the power of love and understanding?" he murmured as he rejected the form.

    He lined up the remaining candidiates, Roy and Malekith.
    "I hope he picks me." whispered Roy to Malekith, who did an eye roll.
    "And the winner is...." said Sauron.
    "Please let it be me.." said Roy, his hand clasped to his heart.
    "Aravel!" said Sauron triumphantly
    "Oh my Melkor! Really!" Roy shrieked and danced out of the room with joy.

    "Not really." laughed Sauron. "Well done Malekith, you got the job."
    Malekith stepped forward and bowed.
    "Now you have to swear the oath, and do the secret Mordorian handshake." Sauron spoke with glee.
    Malekith raised his hand.
    "I swear, under oath to almighty Melkor, that I shall crush all who follow the will of that prick Manwe, and all descendents of that arrogant git Isildur. All shall burn before the might and arms of Mordor."
    "Good." said Sauron and he stepped forward and together they did an intricate series of moves with their hands, the secret handshake of Mordor.

    "Now Malekith. As the Witch King, you'll be expect to break into a chorus of maniacal laughter whenever I do."
    "Naturally." smiled Malekith.
    "Lets begin." said Sauron and took a deep breath.
    "MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" they both laughed at once.
    "You've practised haven't you?" said Sauron.
    "Always." said Malekith.
    Last edited by Lortano; September 04, 2014 at 04:31 PM.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Lortano's The Hobbit: The Complete Collection.

    Chapter 2
    Chapter 2: Elrond's magic table

    After dinner. Elrond led the dwarves, Bilbo and gandalf deep underneath Imladris itself. Inside lay a great table, which glowed beautifully in the dark.
    "Do you know what this is?" he asked them.
    "It's a table." Thorin muttered.
    "Well, yes, but it's not just a table. It's a MAGIC TABLE!" Elrond added an air of mystery to his voice and waved his hands through the air.
    "No it's not." said Nori.
    "I assure you it is most definitely is a magic table."

    Gandalf raised a bushy eyebrow.
    "I must say, I've seen many magic tables in my time, and this does not look like a magic table."
    Nori then walked over to the table and looked down.
    "Look, there's a huge cable here, and it leads to a plug socket in the wall!" he cried, lifting up an electrical cable. Elrond bowed his head.
    "Ok, I concede that my table is slightly less magic than I may have let on."

    "So in other words us coming here to read the map was a huge waste of time?" asked Thorin.
    "No, I can still read them," Elrond smiled as he took the map. He laughed as he read it.
    "Ah, this is a special dwarven map, the runes will be revealed if the map is set on fire. Does anyone have a-"
    Gandalf roared and a huge fireball slammed into the map, blasting it out of Elrond's hand.
    "And now we-" Elrond began but he stopped as the map promptly burned to a crisp in front of him.

    There was a very awkward silence. Elrond quickly flicked through a nearby book, 'Rune reading for dummies' before slapping himself in the forehead.
    "Oops. Wrong type. You didn't have a spare did you?" he asked meekly as every dwarf stared at him with an icy expression.
    "No." Thorin said quietly.
    "Oh, well you're screwed then, nothing I can do about it." Elrond shrugged his shoulders.
    "Did you read anything from the map?" asked Gandalf desperately.
    "Something about a key on Durin's day, near a secret door atop the mountain."

    "Durin's day? That's nearly a year from now." said Balin.
    "Excellent, plenty of time to prepare a strategy that won't get us all killed." said Bilbo with a happy sigh.
    "What are these 'plans' and 'strategy' you speak of?" said Elrond.
    "Exactly, I've never relied on a decent plan, and I never will." said Gandalf.
    Bilbo meekly accepted the decision to go without a decent plan, though he knew that it would likely be the death of him.

    The dwarves, Gandalf and Elrond sat around a council table afterwards.
    "Right, time to plan a route." said Gandalf. "I already gave a basic outline of a route."
    "That went through nearly every dangerous area on the map." said Balin.
    "So now I'm going to go into specifics." gandalf finished.
    "Now, how to cross the misty mountains..." said Thorin.
    "Well I recommend that we go through the Mines of Mori-"

    "NO GANDALF! NO!" Throin slammed a fist down on the table. " We are NOT going through Moria."
    "I agree with him." said Balin. Thorin glared at him.
    "Honestly, this Moria fixation will be the death of both of you." Thorin rolled his eyes and carried on.
    "So, High Pass looks like an excellent place to go."
    "Oh, you mean right next to the secret entrance to Goblin Town." Elrond said.

    Everyone stared at him again, as he slapped his hand over his mouth.
    ", I wasn't supposed to say that." he muttered.
    "What secret goblin entrance?" asked Thorin.
    "Erm....no no, just ignore me, there's no secret goblin entrance there."
    "Anything else you 'forgot' to tell us about?" asked Thorin.
    "Oh yes, apparently my sons saw some very out of place CGI giants round there. Might want to be on your guard."

    "Well, that's that leg of the journey sorted then." gadnalf smiled, but then past the doorway swept an elf maiden, with dark brown hair and the face of beauty. There was silence as she passed.
    Suddenly Bofur shouted out,
    "What a pair she's got!" There was a very awkward silence as Elrond glared at Bofur.
    "Way to kill the mood." muttered Bilbo, as the party slowly dispersed.


    Chapter 3
    Chapter 3: The White Council

    Gandalf quickly hurried away from the rest of the party and headed up into the secret council area which for some reason was outside where everyone could see them. Waiting for him were Galadriel and the White Wizard himself, Saruman. Elrond hurried up behind Gandalf and they all took a seat.
    "Now." began Saruman. "I hear that Mithrandir has some news regarding parts of the world."
    "Indeed I do." gandalf replied. "I have heard from a reliable source that evil is troubling Mirkwood."
    "Oh?" sayd Saruman. "What kind of evil?"
    "He calls himself, The Necromancer, and has some sort of crappy sound effect that plays everytime he says it. I fear that this may be an evil greater than that of mere Nazgul."

    Elrond stiffened.
    "You cannot possibly mean-"
    "I fear I do. The enemy, Sauron, has returned."
    "Nonsense!" Saruman scoffed. "That is no work of Sauron, merely a mortal trying to use magic to manipulate the world."
    "What mortals who cna use magic?" gandalf asked politely.
    Saruman pondered for a moment.
    "You know, when I think about it, it does sound pretty stupid."
    "Exactly."

    But Saruman held up his hand.
    "hang on. Who is this reliable source?" Gandalf muttered something quietly.
    "What?" Saruman asked again.
    "Radagast."
    There was a moments silence and then all three members of the council burst into hysterical laughter, Saruman falling off his chair in floods of tears.
    "Oh Mithrandir, Mithrandir, Mithrandir. RADAGAST!? That fool, who spends most of his time ingesting his mushrooms, gave you this information?" he laughed out through his teeth
    Galadriel's mental voice projected through Gandalf's mind,
    "It is pretty unreliable."

    "Very well. You desire proof?" and Gandalf swept out the Morgul Blade.
    "A Morgul Blade!?" the three others shouted at once.
    "Indeed."
    "But this belonged to the Witch King of Angmar! He was sealed away in a tomb by the Men of the North and-" Elrond began.
    "Enough, Elrond, we've already decided that the whole last sentence was completely pointless and stupid."
    "The point is, if the Nazgul have returned, something must be afoot."

    Saruman nodded slowly.
    "Very well. I will not commit an assault upon Dol Guldur yet, however, if Gandalf could find convincing evidence, I will authorise this."
    "What of you Saruman?"
    "Well I have to go and build up my army of darknes- I mean help plot the downfall of all evil and the saving of the men of Gondor."
    "Galadriel?" Gandalf asked. In her mental voice she said,
    "I must return to Lorien. Celeborn is a fool and liekly left the oven on, and has probably burned down half the forest."
    "And you Elrond?"
    Elrond stared at him as though it was the most stupid question in the world.
    "Oh, of course, you don't do anything." Gandalf said sarcastically.
    "I provide tactical moral support." Elrond said gruffly.

    "Very well." Said Saruman. "May the Plot be with you Gandalf."
    "And you as well Saruman. By the way, are there any dangerous goblin caves that have been around recently?"
    All three of them shrugged their shoulders.
    "Okay, fair enough. What could possibly go wrong."

    Saruman and Elrond left the room but Galadriel continued to speka via the mind.
    "Why the halfling? Why have you brought the Hobbit, Mithrandir."
    "Because thirteen dwarves and an old bloke is not a good title for a book."
    "Very funny."
    "No. The Dragon is a bother to me. Should the Enemy return the Dragon could be seduced to destroy much in the name of Sauron. Mr Baggins comforts me, as I have a hunch that he will prove very useful."


    Chapter 4
    Chapter 4: The Last Night

    The Night before the Dwarves were due to leave, Bilbo was busy pacing around. He couldn't sleep, pondering about the events of the past few weeks. He wondered if people were wondering where he'd got to. He wondered if they worried. He wondered if the Sackville-Baggins' had stolen his silver. He wouldn't put anything past the old bat Lobelia. He'd once caught her parachuting in through the skylight in order to steal some especially valuable cups that belonged to his father.

    "Bah." muttered Bilbo. It wouldn't do to think such nasty thoughts in the house of Elrond. He was in awe of the Elf, as he bore a striking resemblence to Hugo Weaving, an actor Bilbo had always respected since his role in The Matrix. He continued to shuffle his way along the corridors, and suddenly he was in a great chamber. He gazed up at a mighty tapestry, of a heroic looking man raising a broken blade to a dark and terrible shadow that reached over him, as if to grab him. Bilbo shuddered and wondered if any such terrible creatures yet existed in Middle Earth.
    "Bah, what am I saying. The hero always wins in the end."
    "Not always." a voice behind him said.

    He turned and Elrond gazed at him from near a pedestal.
    "Do you know what happened to Isildur, son of Elendil?" he asked.
    "No." Bilbo asked in wonder.
    "He was ambushed by orcs, not long after he defeated the Enemy. He was slain, as were most of his companions."
    "Oh...." said Bilbo.

    "But his legacy lives on through this blade." And Elrond gestured to the shards of a blade upon the pedestal.
    "Behold, Narsil. The blade that was broken underneath the body of Elendil as he fell. Here for all to see, all who would resist the shadow."
    Bilbo stared at the blade, it's light extinguished, but he could still see a glimmer of light, the tiniest of sparks within the banded metal.
    "Tell me Mr Baggins, are you as brave as Isildur or Elendil?"
    "No, sir. I could never do what they did."

    A wry smile crossed the old elf's face.
    "Oh? Elendil and Isildur never foguht a dragon Mr Baggins, nor even came close to meeting one. I think you are as brave as them."
    Bilbo shook his head.
    "What do I know sir? Those men were mighty warriors, and I'm merely a hobbit. I've only read of adventure, and even then nothing could prepare me for this!"
    "Perhaps, Mr Baggins, but I was once in the same position. I once had to fight an evil so dark that Smaug called him Master. And we won."

    " Now," he finished. "I think you should get to sleep. The dwarves will be eager to leave, and the mountains can be treacherous."
    "Thank you Master Elrond." Bilbo muttered.
    "Don't thank me until you come back. Hopefully alive and with gold enough for you to carry!"



    Book 5: The journey through the Misty Mountains

    Chapter 1



    Chapter 1: The not incredibly stupid and fake CGI Stone Giants

    And so, the next day, the dwarves, Bilbo and Gandalf left Rivendell. As they did so Elrond gave them a serious warning.
    "Be warned Gandalf, we did not find the body of that strange fellow in the gold armour. He could still be out there, licking his wounds, and bringing his cliches with him."
    Gandalf nodded at that and smiled at Elrond.
    "Very well old Friend. I shall return at first light on the fifth day."
    "Wrong Film Gandalf," Balin muttered as Elrond waved them away and they set off.
    Bilbo shook his head sadly as the Last Homely House disappeared behind them.

    So east they went until above them rose mighty mountains, raised by the Dark Lord Morgoth in Ancient days. Bilbo could scarcely believe how high they were.
    "Is that the Lonely mountain?" he asked Gloin.
    The dwarf laughed.
    "No Mr Bagins, these are the Misty Mountains! The Lonely Mountain is well beyond those, a few hundred miles at least!"
    Bilbo suddenly felt that he would much prefer to be at home with the kettle boiling.

    As they walked up into the Mountains, a fierce blizzard leapt up. Thorin started shouting as serveral of the dwarves were becoming buried in the snow.
    "Gandalf! What madness is this?"
    "It's SARUMAN!!!" Gandalf replied, and began shouting out spells that did absolutely nothing.

    Meanwhile on Orthanc, Saruman was hurling a huge storm at the mountain.
    "Yes! Soon, I shall force them through Moria, and they all shall perish! Ahahahahahahaha!"
    Suddenly Alfred Wormtongue burst onto the roof.
    "Master, there is a phone call for you."
    "What? Tell them I'm busy!"
    "They say that it is really important they speak to you."
    Saruman grolwed and stopped the blizzard.
    "Bah. They got off lightly this time." he marched downstairs as Alfred waited patiently at the top.

    There came an almighty roar from downstaris.
    "NO I do not wish to insure my giant tower you :wub:! Leave me alone!"
    Saruman came rushing back upstairs.
    "DAMN YOU GANDALF!" he shook his fist at the mountain. He then turned to Alfred.
    "Alfred, you have a new mission."
    "Yes?"
    "I want you to head east. You will attempt to foil Gandalf's plan once and for all. I will win Wizard of the Year award and that grey fool will not defeat me!"
    "As you wish Master. I hear that there is a great calling for evil advisors out in the east."
    And together they cackled an evil cackle.

    The storm stopped as soon as it had come. Gandalf immediately blasted it with fire, and they began to ascend to a high cave.
    As they sheltered there, there came a mighty roar from outside that nearly shook poor Bilbo out of his skin.
    The group peered outside as two mighty titans smashed each other outside.
    "I'd never have believed it." Bofur said, "STONE GIANTS!!!"

    Suddenly there came a loud cry of, "No no no no no no no no no no no."
    At the entrance appeared a mighty ferrit with a massive napoleonic Wars style cannon.
    "What the hell?" said Bilbo.
    The Ferrit turned to face them.
    "My name is Ngugi, and this is my Canon Cannon. And these Stone Giants are about to no longer exist."
    He lit the cannon and massive world shaking explosion annihalated the stone giants."
    He gave a cheerful nod and walked away, dragging the Canon Cannon behind him.
    "What a helpful fellow." Thorin said.
    "Yeah," said Balin. "We could really have been drawn into a stupid scene of unrealistic jumping between the giant's legs!"

    The whole group burst into laughter that such a stupid scene would ever happen.
    Fili suddenly came into view, the group had sent him out to scout earlier.
    "Lads! I've found a nice dry cave! It had a warning notice near the entrance warning about not sleeping there on pain of death, but I'm sure it'll be fine."
    All the dwarves agreed, and made their way over to the cave. It was indeed, spacious and warm. The dwarves quickly laid down to sleep.
    As Bilbo lay there, he heard a creak. He looked up and saw a terrifying face.

    He shrieked and leapt up. The dwarves also leapt up, weapons drawn, and saw an old man in a robe standing there.
    The old man pulled out a blue lightsaber and swung it around in a very awkward way. He then did a spin attack which went so slowly that Thorin simply stuck out his leg and the old man tripped over it. He rolled about on the floor feebly.
    Gandalf shook his head slowly.
    "Poor man. He used to be a really powerful ally of mine. Still, age does to a man what age does."

    As the dwarves lay asleep once again, the back of the cave opened and many goblins leapt out, grabbing the dwarves and Bilbo. But as the goblins leapt towards gandalf, they tripped over the body of the old man with the lightsaber and Gandalf was awoken. He raised his staff, and, as he saw the hope in the eyes of the dwarves, caused a bright flash and made a run for it, leaving his friends to be tortured horribly by the goblins.
    "DAMN YOU GANDALF!" Bilbo cried as they were dragged into the back of the cave.


    Chapter 2
    Chapter 2: The Great Gangsta Goblin.

    And the Dwarves and Bilbo were herded underground by many goblins. And as they were being herded, a tune started to spring up around them.
    "Oh off." Balin shouted. "Another song? It's been a week and another ing song?"
    He was punched in the stomach as the singing began.

    "Clip! Snap! the black crack!
    Grip,Grab! Pinch,nab!
    And down down down to Goblin town
    you go my lad!"

    Gloin leaned over to Balin.
    "Could be worse. Could be gangsta rap clearly written by a middle class white guy."
    As if Eru was watching and suddenly decided to piss on the dwarves in the worst moment, at that very second a muscular goblin dropped from the ceiling and the beat quickened.

    "Clip! Snap the black crack!
    Kidnapped like a child in my sack
    And down down down to Goblin town
    You go and listen to my gangsta Rap!"

    "Yo, whassup, You probably know me
    Woodsman hunting tracker and a dapper MC!
    My crew and me, we get all our drinks for free!
    You want good internet, I got BT!
    So never ever ever think that you can ever step to me!"

    After enduring the one verse that the author could think of after watching all of the decent Epic Rap Battles of History videos, the dwavres blocked out the rest of the rap mentally.
    They descended into a great throne room, and the rapping Goblin sat upon his throne of sticks.

    "So! Thorin Oakenshield dares sleep on my doorstep!"
    "I'm sorry, but who the are you?" Thorin asked politely.
    "Me! The Great Goblin!"
    "Are you sure? The Great Goblin is a fat bastard!"
    "HA! Little do you know of the power of Chuck Norris workout videos! For I shed the pounds like Gundabad hooker sheds her garments!"

    Thorin turned to Balin,
    "Not gonna lie, I really do need to get some of those videos."
    The Dwarves murmured in agreement.

    "Why are you here Oakenshield?"
    "Just passing through, to see our cousins in the Iron Hills."
    "Oh, is that so? Well, I'd like to tell you that there is a wanted poster on your head!"
    "I thought I paid my of an ex wife to stop doing this...." Thorin fumed quietly.
    "Oh, how little you know! An old friend is here to see you Oakenshield."

    And out of the shadows stepped Ozga.
    "Behold Oakenshield....your nemesis!"
    Thorin blinked at him.
    "Who?"
    Ozga frowned.
    "Come on, surely you could guess!"
    "Well, judging by the hints you've left so far...I've got a good idea."

    Ozga laughed and threw off his hood and said, (Brace yourselves for this shocker)
    "I am Azog, son of Mazog, son of Lazog, son of Crum."
    There was an awkward silence. Azog looked very confused.
    "I was expecting a bit more of a shocked reaction."
    "Would you like us to do it again?" asked Bilbo.

    Azog nodded and cleared his throat
    "I am Azog!"
    All the dwarves immediately started gasping and pulling very shocked expressions.
    "Oh no, it's Azog, I am so utterly terrified." said Thorin.
    "I literally just myself six times while speaking" said Bombur.
    "My parents never loved me." said Ori shaking his head sadly while crying.

    "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Azog laughed.
    "Number Three!" he roared. The snivelling orc emerged.
    "I believe that we use Plan G. This is our chance to rip off yet another fantasy series."
    Number Three nodded and handed the Great Goblin a sheet of paper.

    The Goblin cleared his throat.
    "Ah but my friends, I do not believe I have given you the proper greeting!"
    "Seriously?" Balin muttered.
    A bad orc group then proceeded to play "The Rains of Castamir" remarkably poorly.
    There was an awkward silence.

    "Er...Great Goblin, this is the part where you men emerge and cut them to ribbons while I laugh and then one of them threatens to cut Number Three's throat but them I let them do it anyway." Azog said
    "Wait, what was that last bit again?" said Number Three
    The lights suddenly went out.
    "Nothing to worry about folks, just a power failure!" The Great Goblin called out.
    "How can there be a power failure when this place is lit with torches?" Azog yelled.

    Suddenly two blue glows appeared. Gandalf leapt out of one and drove his sword clean through the Great Goblin's face. Out of the second came the old man from the cave. He swung his
    lightsaber at Number Three, who ducked and it decapitated Azog
    "Oh come on!" cried the head.
    "RUN!" cried Gandalf and the dwarves and Bilbo made a run for it.

    The old man with the lightsaber stood firm as the goblins closed in.
    "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can imagine!"
    They promptly shot him full of arrows and he realised that Qui-Gonn was full of as he slowly died upon the floor.


    Chapter 3
    Chapter 3

    Gandalf and the dwarves fled through the dark as the goblins raced behind them, carrying torches and screaming in their foul language. But every time they got close Gandalf and Thorin turned and drove them back with their swords.
    "Beater and Biter!" screamed the goblins as they fled. But Goblins are cunning, and soon they muffled their torches and snuck up on the party. They grabbed Ori from behind and, unknown to the dwarves, poor Bilbo fell off the dwarevs back and down a small crevase to the lakes below. (However, due to my wish to not mock a scene that the film got right, we will instead be focusing on the Dwarves and gandalf)

    Gandalf turned and drove the orcs back again, while Balin pulled up Ori and the dwarves charged through Goblin Town, with most of the population chasing them. As they ran Kili shouted at Thorin,
    "I'm getting an urge to deflect arrows with my sword!"
    "Don't be stupid Kili, nobody could ever do that!" Thorin roared back.

    But soon the dwarves were trapped on a rickety wooden bridge, surrounded by many foes. Thorin turned to Gandalf.
    "Any ideas, Wizard?"
    "Well, I was thinking that I slam my staff down and then one of you screams my name as I fall to my death."
    Thorin stared at him.
    "That is the worst idea I've ever heard." He strode onto the middle of the bridge and held his sword above one of the ropes. The goblins froze as he raised his sword.

    "You wouldn't." one of them said cautiously. Thorin raised his blade higher.
    "Say hello to Azog....IN HELL!" he roared and drove the blade down. The bridge split in two and the dwarves and Gandalf plunged down.
    Fortunately, the bridge was literally ten feet above another bridge, which the dwarves landed on.
    "How the was that any different from my plan?" Gandalf asked.
    "We haven't done an Indiana Jones joke yet." Thorin replied, and they kept on running.

    'Meanwhile, at the back gate'

    "Ah. I gotta tell you, retirement is gonna be sweet." said the grizzled orc veteran.
    "I envy you man. Really. What's your plan anyway?" said his younger companion.
    "Well, first, I'm gonna buy a nice little place in Moria for me and the wife. And then I'll write my will, leaving out my idiot sons and donating all of my money to the Warg Sanctuary."
    "Well, here's to retirement, and many years on the job for me."
    They clinked two mugs together, but then they heard a rumbling.
    "What?" the veteran said, as Thorin burst through a door and stabbed him through the chest, before impaling his companion on a brazier.
    "RUN!" he roared as the rest of the party ran out of the back gate.

    They ran for several miles until they reached the safety of a nearby forest. There they made camp.
    It was also there that Gandalf noticed that Bilbo was missing.
    "Ori! Where is Mr Baggins?"
    "Oh...I may have dropped him."
    "You what? He was our burgular you moron!"
    "Well...it was dark, and there were bodies everywhere, and then I got grabbed, and then I had my arse hairs singed by a fireball. You'd drop the bastard."

    Gandalf threw his hat on the floor and turned to Thorin.
    "We can't win this without him, Oakenshield."
    "He was pretty Gandalf."
    "Yes, hence why we brought him."
    "Your logic being?"
    "Well, he makes us look better in comparison."
    "Riiiiiiight. him. We carry on."

    Suddenly they heard a small rumbling sound.
    "What was that..." Thorin wondered. Balin came crashing through the woods.
    "You may want to come and look at this..." he said breathlessly.
    They headed through the woods, and saw a huge horde of orcs and wargs surge down the mountainside, chasing a lone figure.
    "Oh." Gandalf said. "Bilbo may have ed us slightly here."
    "RUN!" Thorin roared, and they all ran, Bilbo catching up to them quickly as the horde charged after them.

    "What happened Bilbo?" gandalf shouted above the din.
    "Turns out that I downvoted Azog's 'First' comment on a youtube video. He's slightly mad." Bilbo replied.
    "Oh dear Eru." Gandalf sighed as the heroes raced towards a cliff edge. They stopped on the edge as the horde surrounded them.

    And through the press came Azog, head reattached. He glared at the party.
    "Ha! Got you Oakenshield! And you, you complete downvoting head!" he pointed at Bilbo.
    "Well, that's just rude." Bilbo muttered.
    "So now what Azog?"
    "Well, now you either grovel at my feet, or a drive you off the cliff."
    "And what about if I tell you to go yourself and then we cut you apart."
    "Well then..." Azog smiled and waved his army forward.

    "IT'S ON!" Screamed Bombur, and then the dwarves engaged in 300 style spinning fight moves, with Bombur doing olympic style flips while dual wielding swords.
    Bilbo hid behind Gandalf while the wizard pulled out a phone and made a quick phone call.
    "Hi, is that Gwaihir? No it's an emergency, I don't care if he's in an important business meeting."
    There was a pause.
    "Hi Gwaihir. Yeah, I need a favour. Yes, I swear it'll be the last time this time. Yes, my life is in danger. Ok, bye."
    "Who was that Gandalf?" Bilbo asked.
    "A friend." gandalf said, and drew his sword. "Now come. Draw your sword and fight."

    And as the dwarves fight the orcs, Throin and Azog duelled in middle.
    "It's over Oakenshield, bend your knee, so I can mock your height more!"
    "Bend yours, so I can cut your head off easier."
    But then a loud laugh sounded over the battlefield. Azog turned around and behind him stood Marie Shoe, in his golden armour.

    "The hell are you?" Azog roared.
    "Fear me Evildoer, for I am The Dragon Reborn! I am your doom. Now, I cast a spell to make you realise your terrible crimes!"
    He waved his hands in a funny way and Azog blinked at him and laughed.
    "Oh damn. I feel so terrible." Azog said in a very sarcastic way.
    "HA! Never fear. For I have a weakness detection spell because the writer loves me!" Shoe laughed again. He waved his hand, and then threw a javelin, which clipped Azogs pinky finger.

    Azog shrieked in agony and fell to the ground.
    "NOOOOOO! How did you guess?" he cried and crumbled to dust.
    "See! You see my power, sir Oakenshield?" Shoe asked him, before the entire orc army swamped him and stabbed repeatedly.
    "JUMP! Roared Gandalf and Thorin ran off the cliff edge followed by the dwarves and Bilbo. And as they fell, they were grabbed by a large group of giant eagles.
    "You know," said Balin. "I think this will be a recurring theme somehow."

    FIN
    Last edited by Lortano; September 07, 2014 at 06:47 PM.

  3. #3
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    Icon1 Re: Lortano's The Hobbit: The Complete Collection.

    The Hobbit: The Desolation of Jackson

    Book 1: To Forests Edge.

    Chapter 1
    Chapter 1

    "So as you can see Frodo," Billbo wrote, "The adventures up to this point were completely crazy and full of nonsense. Well, as it so happens, it got even more ing nuts after that..."

    'Dol Guldur'

    Bolg knelt before Sauron's feet.
    "My lord, I bring grave news. My father, Lord Azog, is dead."
    "Again? How many times has this happened now, half a dozen at least!" Sauron sighed and rested an elbow upon his throne.
    "I request leave of absence, my lord." Bolg asked.
    "Why exactly would you need leave of absence?"
    "Thorin Oakenshield has dishonoured my family. This will be met with blood and vengeance. The Misty Mountains will arm for war, and the Lonely mountain will swim in the blood of men and dwarves."

    Sauron mused for a moment.
    "Very well. Go forth and spread destruction my loyal servant. I'll even write the eulogy for your father's funeral."
    Bolg nodded and left the room, flanked by two tall goblins.

    Sauron turned to Malakith, his new Witch King.
    "What do you think of the plan?"
    "Just one question."
    "Go on."
    "Why not send out your own army? Why use another army?"

    Sauron gave a chuckle.
    "Come now, I am trying to keep a low profile here, why on Middle Earth would I draw as much attention to myself as possible? What idiot would ever think that would be a good idea?"
    "A fair point. And the eulogy?"
    "Give it to Aravel to write. Orc funerals are particularly nasty for anyone brave enough to read at. I knew one fellow who did it once, and he ended up with two arrows in the stomach and a missing hand."
    "And you want Aravel to suffer this fate?"
    "Obviously. I'd also appreciate it if someone were to record it so I could watch it whenever I please."
    "Thy will be done I suppose." Malakith shrugged and turned to leave.

    "Malakith." Sauron called.
    "Yes?"
    "Go with Bolg and his army. I want a close eye kept on the mountain. If you can, make a deal with Smaug. I will give him all the gold he wants, if he serves me. If he is killed, them seize the gold. I will not have a single penny falling into the dwarves hands."
    "Of course, my lord."
    "Oh, and if you should fail....I will fire you."
    "Understood." Malakith turned away and exited the building.

    And Sauron sat alone on his throne of darkness and brooded. The loss of Azog was disturbing, but perhaps the Mountain orcs would be more useful under the rule of Bolg, who was a true ally of Sauron.
    And if Bolg happened to die, well, Roggy would no doubt be a useful ally to control the orcs. And Sauron laughed in his mirth at his evil plans.


    Chapter 2

    Chapter 2: To the House of Beorn

    The Hobbit, Gandalf and the dwarves made their way down to the bank of the Anduin. To Bilbo, it seemed a very wide river, but luckily there were several fords down that way and they made it across with little to no effort. And there they found a great rock, with a seat on it, looking towards the mountain.
    "Whats that?" Bilbo asked
    "That, my dear Hobbit, is the Carrock." Gandalf replied
    "The what?"
    "The Carrock. That's what Beorn calls it anyways."
    "Who?"
    "The person who's house we are heading to? Didn't you pay attention during the route planning?"
    "There was a plan?" Bilbo asked sincerely.

    Gandalf grumbled and carried on walking. The Dwraves followed sullenly behind, most of all Thorin. His bag of beat 'em up orphans had been lost in Goblin Town, and he was now tempted to smash Bilbo for the fun of it.
    Still, onwards they went, seeing no one, until they found a dirt path that led behind some trees.
    "Right. Now wait here. Me and Mr Baggins will go ahead and convince Beorn to let you all stay. He's never been overfond of dwarf, especially live ones."

    So Bilbo and Gandalf headed towards a house, with a smoking Chimney.
    "Watch your language around Beorn Mr Baggins. It is said that he can turn into a big black bear."
    And as they rounded the corner they saw a huge man, with toned muscles, shirtless to the waist, chopping wood.
    "Is that Beorn?" Bilbo asked.
    "Oh ." Gandalf muttered.
    "What?"
    "Beorn told me he might have been renting out his cottage to tourists. Quick, slip away quickly and he might not-"

    At that moment the huge man turned and laughed at them. He called to them in a thick Austrian accent
    "Hello there! Are you looking for Beorn?"
    Gandalf shuddered and replied.
    "Erm...yes, but he appears to be away so we'll just be-"
    "Nonsense! I'm a good a host as he, and after all, I know how to run a house, look at how well it went in California! Now tell me your story."

    "Well, we were travelling with a group of dwarves."
    "Dwarves? I love dwarves! Come, send your son to bring them here, then we can all eat and share our tales!"
    "He's not my son." gandalf replied curtly.
    "Really? Then why is he such a tiny man?"
    "I'm a...hobbit, Mr...I'm sorry, who are you again?"

    The man seemed taken aback. He turned to gandalf.
    "Is he serious? Did he seriously not pick up on all the subtle hints?"
    "He's scared of climbing peach trees, I doubt he's seen any of your work." gandalf replied. He turned to Bilbo again.
    "Go and fetch Thorin and company. I'll get Beorn to put on some lunch."

    Bilbo brought Thorin and the dwarves into beorn's house. Balin took one look at the muscly man and burst into laughter.
    "This is a joke right? Please tell me this is a joke gandalf?"
    "Shut up balin, don't mention jokes, or he'll start with the one liners. They'll be even worse than the usual ones in this story!"
    Balin shut up.

    The man sat down at teh head of the table, with delicious milk and honey being served to the dwarves.
    "Now come! Tell me your tales of glory and adventure! Perhaps I shall share some of mine!"
    "Well, we had a bit of trouble with the Goblins at High Pass."
    "Yes. I've heard that the goblins in that area cause nothing but trouble. If any of them were to come on this land, well, as a guest I would politely twist their necks and leave them to the dirt."
    "Well, we lost all of our baggage and ponies, and we'd appreciate some help."
    "Beorn told me to treat everything here as my own. I will give you the ponies you need, as well as supplies. But be careful of Mirkwood, there have been many bad creatures around there of late."

    The Dwarves smiled and dug in, enjoying the sweet taste, for they had not eaten this well since Elrond's house. The man gorged himself on the bread and honey, and he laughed as the dwarves told many rude jokes about various people.

    Editors Note: Due to the lack of authorial talent, feel free to make up your own jokes

    Anyways, after dinner the dwarves went to sleep. Bilbo himself could not sleep, especially when he looked out the window and saw a huge hulking mass outside, it was the msucly man in all his naked glory. Bilbo promptly fell asleep, fearing to step outside. And he thought the people west of the Misty Mountains were completely nuts.

    Chapter 3

    Chapter 3: A particularly punny chapter.

    The next day, Bilbo awoke late, to the sound of smacking lips. He quickly rose and found that everyone had eaten Beorns complementary hamper of snacks and left him with the pack of digestives (Seriously, who the even likes plain digestives?)
    "Sleep well?" Gandalf asked cheerily.
    "I saw that man outside last night."
    Gandalf's face darkened.
    "You were brave. When that man goes out at night, only the strongest can stand against him."
    As if speaking of the devil, at this point the man came in.

    "Hello there!" he said cheerily. "I have something to show you!"
    "It's not a decent film is it?" Balin asked sarcastically.
    "No, I found a goblin and a warg prowling outside!" the man said triumphantly.

    They followed him outside and found, nailed to a post, a warg skin and a goblin head.
    "I interrogated them for information first."
    "Oh? But aren't these just grunts?" Gandalf asked.
    "Yes, you could say that they were Expendable." the man replied.

    Balin facepalmed.
    "And you killed them afterwards?" Gandalf asked.
    "Yes, you could say that I Judged them Dredfully."
    "Ok, that wasn't even one of your films!" Balin shouted at him.
    "Would you prefer that I say I Terminated them?"
    Balin shook his head slowly.

    "Anyways, I cornered them, and they gave up, and did not even bother to put up a Last Stand. Frankly I couldn't understand why they didn't just start Running, Man."

    EDITORS NOTE: Assuming you haven't yet clicked the big X at the top right of the screen, the puns come to an end soon. Keep the faith.

    "So, what did you learn?" Gandalf asked once more.
    The man scratched his head.
    "I do not know...I cannot Totally Recall."
    At that Balin muttered, ' this' and stormed off.
    "Ah yes, it was something about a goblin army. That was all I got before my Chinese Burn snapped his arm off."

    Bilbo stared at the goblin head. It seemed somewhat surprised, perhaps the man had said some bad one liners before he killed it.
    In any case, Gandalf asked the man for the horses he'd been promised, and he was obliged.
    "14 fine ponies, all from beorn's stables."
    "Ah good, no charge?"

    The man shuffled.
    "Ah yes...you see I put the cost on you."
    Gandalf groaned.
    "How much."
    "One million pounds."
    "WHAT!? Is he feeding these ponies diamonds or something? Tell him to get stuffed!"
    And Gandalf leapt on a horse and instructed the dwarves to follow as they left the cottage behind them.

    The man was left standing there alone.
    "Bah. Beorn let me pay him in puns. Although that may be why he makes me pay double compared with everyone else..."
    At this point at man in a cowboy hat came past.
    "Hey there Arnold!" he called out.
    "Hallo there Chuck! What news?"
    "Oh nothing much. Say, did you hear that Wesley down at number 48 got done for tax evasion?"
    "HAH! He needs to learn to play the game! Thranduil likes his taxes, that's for sure."
    And they both laughed as dark clouds gathered over mirkwood.



    Chapter 4
    Chapter 4: Bolg in Goblin town

    "I swear that the hotel we stayed in was reputable last time I was there." Bolg explained to Malaketh
    "Well apparently not anymore. I'll be cleaning the fleas out of my britches for weeks."
    They had arrived at Goblin town. It appeared to be in mourning, for they had arrived on the day of the funeral of the Great Goblin.
    They had laid him in state, goblins moving past him to spit on him, or to shove feces into his dead mouth. Such is the orc custom.

    A goblin wearing a ridiculous robe was busy reciting some Gibberish from 'How to bury the dead for dummies'
    "We'd like to errr celebrate the life of the great Goblin, even though 'e was a complete dickhead and probably deserved what he got."
    Malaketh turned to Bolg.
    "Strange custom."
    "Yes, I've only been to a funeral once, it was my grandfathers'. My father gave a most touching euology, especially touching considering that he was the one who killed him."
    "How...moving"
    "Yes, what made it funnier was the fact that my grandfathers body had been fed to the wolves, so he never actually showed up for his own funeral."
    "Hysterical." said Malaketh flatly.

    Bolg approached the podium and cleared his throat.
    "Goblins of goblin town! Today is the day we throw off the defeats of the past! We are not the weak scum that King Kong wishes us to be! We shall rise up, destroy the dwarves, destroy the elves, rule ourselves under the Red Eye! We shall make the men of the this world our slaves, we shall live as kings, while they cook and clean and do various other menial jobs that we don't want to do! We shall be newspaper editors, Business Tycoons, Bank managers, and other stuff that stereotypical white people do! We shall ban all movies that have the word 'Movie' in the title so we don't get Scary Movie 6, because Morgoth knows that watching 5 was like being besieged in Barad-dur for seven years! RISE ORCS! LET US FIGHT FOR A NEW WORLD!"

    The goblins ignored him and kept on walking past. Bolg frowned and turned to the orc in the robe.
    "Is this...is this thing on? Are you sure because they didn't seem to here my epic speech and I kind of wanted to....oh never mind."
    He turned to a random orc.
    "Axe please."
    The orc gave him his axe.
    "Cheers," said Bolg and chopped the orcs head off. Silence fell.

    "Who are you!" one orc cried.
    "I am Bolg, son of Azog."
    "Oh, the idiot."
    "He was not an idiot!"
    "He kept up the same lame joke every chapter he was in!"

    Malaketh fried the orc that kept piping up. Bolg nodded and continued.
    "I may not be my father. I did not lead the orcs to a brutal, crushing defeat that completely destroyed our power. I was no hero like that. But I will lead you to a prize greater than most. Thorin Oakenshield killed your Great Goblin. He violated the terms of the treaty of Moria, that I convieniently just made up on the spot. For that he must die. He is heading to Erebor, to reclaim his ancient treasure. Treasure that our Lord will be most pleased to have. So tell me orcs... are you prepared to pillage, loot and destroy to kill some dwarves and destroy Lake Town? Are you with me?"
    There was a loud cheer from the crowd.

    Bolg stepped down, sweating.
    "Good job." said Malaketh.
    "Thanks. You any good at speeches?"
    "Normally people cower in fright at my mere presence, so no."
    "Fair enough."

    As they spoke, a small orc quivered as he walked up to Bolg.
    "Pardon, Lord Bolg, but I am Number 3, your late father's personal assitant."
    "Ah. And what do you want?"
    "Well, I'd like to serve you as I served your father."
    "My father is dead."
    "Yes, well, not every one is a keeper."
    Bolg thought for a moment.
    "Very well. You can be in charge of planning a route to Erebor. I'd like to avoid elf involvement."

    A random orc popped up,
    "So I suppose you could say he's been put in charge of 'elf and safety!"
    Malaketh fried the orc in blue flame.
    "I do not appreciate unwanted puns in my chapters." he said quietly, as he and Bolg walked off into a jubilant crowd.


    Book 2: Mirkwood


    Chapter 1
    Chapter 1: Into Mirkwood.

    As the dwarves, Bilbo and Gandalf reached the edge of Mirkwood, Gandalf turned to the dwarves.
    "And this is where I leave you for a while."
    The dwarves groaned.
    "Gandalf," Balin said, "Please note that literally every time you have left us alone so far, we have been captured and almost killed."
    "Third times the charm though, am I right!" laughed Gandalf in response.

    His face turned serious.
    "Now, two main rules in mirkwood. One, stay on the road. Two, if you hear creepy violin music, you are likely walking into a trap and a terrible death. This is your one warning."
    Thorin scowled.
    "And what of Thranduil? He isn't exactly on the best of terms with me currently."
    "Elves forgive and forget, I am sure that he has forgiven you."

    With that Gandalf took the ponies and rode away, back to Beorn's house. There was an awkward silence.
    "Well," said Thorin. "Time is a wasting, we should enter the forest."
    As they entered they came across a sign which read, "Abandon hope ye who enter here." Underneath it lay the person who wrote it, with three orc arrows in his chest.
    "Poor guy, trying to reference such a classic book." Bifur shook his head sadly. They slowly walked past the corpse and into the dark and terrible mirkwood.

    'In Dol Guldur'

    Sauron was trying out a new evil daily routine, in mockery of his less interesting fantasy rivals. He tried hiring the craziest nutters he could find, but he found that pedophiles and people who want to ban fire tended to ruin ones evil reputation.
    Currently he was practising his brooding on his throne, while not actually doing anything productive. But he was utterly bored by such nonsense.
    "Khamul," he said wearily, "Do we have any prisoners to torture?"
    "There's that Gondorian guy we picked up years ago."
    "No, no point. I've tortured him so much that it actually turns him on whenever I try. How exactly are you supposed to enjoy torture if the person you are torturing enjoys it?"

    Sauron sighed again.
    "You know, for bringing me bad news I probably should kill you, like all of my imitators do."
    "Yes, but they also have lame rip offs of us as well, we are indispensable."
    "A fair point," Sauron snapped his fingers and an orc came running.
    "Yes, master?"
    "Jump out of the window."
    "What?"
    "You heard me."
    "Why would I do that?"
    "Do I have to get out the Taylor Swift albums?"
    The orc jumped.

    Suddenly Sauron sensed something. Khamul looked concerned.
    "What is it, my lord?"
    "Faint, very faint....yet....it could be...the One?"
    Khamul nearly fainted.
    "The One? In Mirkwood? Who would be so stupid to bring it here?"
    "Someone who doesn't know what it is...I want all eight of you to find the carrier and bring him to me."
    "Alive?"
    "With all body parts if possible."

    Khamul bowed and left the room. Sauron chuckled.
    "Perhaps I should do an inner monologue...all of my rivals do..."
    He snapped his fingers.
    "Put on the grey filter minions! I have a miserable monolgue detailing why I hate everyone I must deliver!"
    And he busied himself writing the most ridiulous backstory he could think of.
    Last edited by Lortano; October 25, 2014 at 06:43 PM.

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    Default Re: Lortano's The Hobbit: The Complete Collection.

    Reserved 3

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    Default Re: Lortano's The Hobbit: The Complete Collection.

    Hobbit 3: The Battle of the Five Plot Points

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    Default Re: Lortano's The Hobbit: The Complete Collection.

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    Default Re: Lortano's The Hobbit: The Complete Collection.

    The final Chapter of an Unexpected Fail is up! Here;s to a brilliant Desolation of Jackson!

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    Flinn's Avatar His Dudeness of TWC
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    Default Re: Lortano's The Hobbit: Part 1 is Done! Onwards to Desolation!

    "He was pretty Gandalf."
    "Yes, hence why we brought him."
    "Your logic being?"
    "Well, he makes us look better in comparison."
    aww man, you are a master with this kind of humor

    I'll take the chance to read it all once more
    Under the patronage of Finlander, patron of Lugotorix & Lifthrasir & joerock22 & Socrates1984 & Kilo11 & Vladyvid & Dick Cheney & phazer & Jake Armitage & webba 84 of the Imperial House of Hader

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Lortano's The Hobbit: Part 1 is Done! Onwards to Desolation!

    Chapter 1 of the new book is up!

  10. #10
    Flinn's Avatar His Dudeness of TWC
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    Default Re: Lortano's The Hobbit: Desolation: Book 1: Chapter 1 is up 14/09

    "My lord, I bring grave news. My father, Lord Azog, is dead."
    "Again? How many times has this happened now, half a dozen at least!" Sauron sighed and rested an elbow upon his throne.
    silly PJ

    thanks my friend, you make my day with your humour!
    Under the patronage of Finlander, patron of Lugotorix & Lifthrasir & joerock22 & Socrates1984 & Kilo11 & Vladyvid & Dick Cheney & phazer & Jake Armitage & webba 84 of the Imperial House of Hader

  11. #11
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    Default Re: Lortano's The Hobbit: Desolation: Book 1: Chapter 1 is up 14/09

    Chapters 2 and 3 are up. Prepare of Trouble and Make it Double!

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Lortano's The Hobbit: Desolation: Book 1: Chapters 2 and 3 03/10

    Behold Chapter 4, a chapter most foul.

  13. #13
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    Default Re: Lortano's The Hobbit: Desolation: Book 1: Chapter 4: 22/10

    Book 2 Chapter 1 is up, a bit of Sauron in this one, more mockery of rubbish fantasy villains!

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