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Thread: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

  1. #1
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar Gatorade, is it in you?
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    Default ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

    Death to Disney: Frozen Is Satanic Western Decadence and Sorcery for Lesbians
    by Haid D'Salaami, Chief Film Critic and Director of Media Censorship for the Islamic State



    Salaam to the faithful of the Caliphate and the Islamic State. Praise be to Allah and his prophet Muhammad; may peace be upon him. May this film critic be blessed by Allah in navigating the righteous through the treacherous waters of cinema, to avoid all that is haram and blasphemous.

    The United States of America, or the Great Satan as the Satanic Shiite Republic of Iran often observes, is the greatest source for blasphemies and insults against Islam. It comes as no surprise then that from the jaws of Satan himself comes a film that is most haram: Frozen (2013). It is strictly forbidden to own, possess, sell, or distribute this movie within the bounds of the Islamic State, on pain of amputation of the right hand. Allah is most just and merciful, and his law dictates that those who insult Islam with such cinema must be treated no better than thieves. For those who were unfortunate enough to have seen the movie before its proper banning by decree of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the following is a review to help you cope and understand the blasphemies that you have witnessed and that have corrupted your morality and household. In sha'Allah, you will find relief from the clarity this condemning review shall provide.

    Elsa, a scandalously-clad pale-faced sickly blonde pagan witch living in the far north, far outside the civilized boundaries of Dar al-Islam, is an infidel barbarian princess who uses witchcraft to threaten the world of Islam with torrents of ice and snow. She nearly succeeds in assassinating her rival infidel sister Anna, but her infidel parents, as some wise People of the Book may often do, saw fit to lock her away in the harem so that she would no longer be a danger to society and maintain her purity and virginity. Showing the original image of Elsa from the film is a great profanity and curse against Islam, so to give the reader an idea of what a pagan witch looks like, the following is a censored image suitable for Muslims of the Islamic State:



    However, her royal infidel parents died in a US bombing strike (like in so many against the Islamic State), so that she found herself in possession of her entire northern wasteland of a kingdom. Male suitors for arranged marriage are presented to her at the palace, but Elsa turns to the Devil who convinces her to remain a lesbian and to practice sorcery against men. Her sister Anna attempts to have sex with one of the suitors before marriage, which is strictly forbidden in Islam, so Allah smites her by revealing to the whole world the depraved sorcery of her sister, who is forthwith banished from her own kingdom to an icy abode. No Arab would survive such fierce temperatures! It is further proof that she is a witch against Islam.

    Anna, without a proper male family member to supervise her or even a hijab to cover her blasphemous red hair, sneaks off to meet yet another unmarried sex partner, a random boy in the woods named Kristoff. Together they rush off to seek the aid of Elsa for further witchcraft and licentiousness, enlisting help along the way from a Satanic manifestation in the form of a pudgy man made of snow and a carrot nose.

    Allah makes his best attempt to thwart the scantily-clad witches with a giant abominable snowman. Yet their sorcery is too much for Allah's creation to withstand, so he fails. It is at this point where all true Muslims and followers of Allah should grieve, because the film only makes a turn for the worse. Anna proves instrumental in putting her sister Elsa back on the throne, in an attempt to stamp out sharia law and replace it with Western man-made rules and perverted rule by women. Prince Hans, who converts to Islam after realizing his immoral ways of trying to consort with Anna, attempts to kill the witches and restore Islam, but the witches' magic is too overwhelming for him. The witches snicker and laugh as they attempt to drown him in a lake. Fortunately he escapes and ensures that Islam survives in his Southern Isles (no doubt a metaphor for the Middle East). Then the two sisters profess their "true love" for one another in an act of blasphemous lesbianism.

    The moral of the story is that Western lesbian witches are a threat to Islam, but all true Muslims should attempt to burn them, in order to counter their icy magic with fire. Yet this moral is lost on some in Islam, who have been corrupted and misled by the Satanic infidel conglomerate known as Disney:



    In sha'Allah, the Islamic State shall issue a fatwah against those Muslims who support Disney and purchase its merchandise. All such merchandise shall be confiscated by the Islamic State and resold (for profit that is most acceptable to Allah) back to the Western decadent hell-holes from whence they came. Then we shall declare jihad against them and wipe forever from the memory and the Internet the blasphemy that is Frozen.

    I encourage all Muslims here to discuss the sacrilege of this movie and voice their righteous condemnation of its characters, plot, and premise all based on Western lies and witchcraft.

  2. #2
    Mayer's Avatar Campidoctor
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    Default Re: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen



  3. #3
    Kyriakos's Avatar Praeses
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    Default Re: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

    Even Isis has a better sense of style than Disney, emirite?
    Your surname doesn't have to be Komnenos, Doukas or Palaiologos, so as to join
    the Neo-Byzantine Society: click on the immortal emblem; partake in high culture


  4. #4

    Default Re: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

    I dont know about ISIS or Disney, but i luv me some Lesbian Sorceress now and then.

  5. #5
    Lord Oda Nobunaga's Avatar 大信皇帝
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    Default Re: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

    They should be beheaded for using sorcery.
    I totally guessed that before I clicked this

    Wait a minute, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi claims he is the Caliph? Infidel! How dare you make this affront unto me! Know ye not that I the Demon King of the Sixth Heaven am ruler over all under the heavens!

    Kay I had fun
    Last edited by Lord Oda Nobunaga; August 27, 2014 at 11:39 PM.

    "Famous general without peer in any age, most superior in valor and inspired by the Way of Heaven; since the provinces are now subject to your will it is certain that you will increasingly mount in victory." - Ōgimachi-tennō

  6. #6

    Default Re: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

    The problem with Frozen is that it has more style than substance.
    Eats, shoots, and leaves.

  7. #7
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar Gatorade, is it in you?
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    Default Re: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

    Quote Originally Posted by Condottiere 40K View Post
    The problem with Frozen is that it has more style than substance.
    Precisely, Brother Condottiere! As-salamu alaykum, dear friend. Frozen relies on CGI and whirling special effects to dazzle you with its witchcraft, all the while completely lacking the substance and pure moral teaching of Wahhabi Islam.

  8. #8
    Visna's Avatar Comrade Natascha
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    Default Re: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

    Quote Originally Posted by Condottiere 40K View Post
    The problem with Frozen is that it has more style than substance.
    A Disney production with more style than substance? Noooo, that can't be right. What has the world come to?!

    Under the stern but loving patronage of Nihil.

  9. #9

    Default Re: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

    There are a lot of Disney shows with satisfying stories, the most recent being Tangled, which the writers did an amazing job over what seemed a rather boring tale.

    I never liked the Snow Queen either, but the creative team managed to reimagine them into very sympathetic characters, but a rather dumb plot.
    Eats, shoots, and leaves.

  10. #10
    Påsan's Avatar Hva i helvete?
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    Default Re: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

    Frozen was a far better film than Tangled though.

  11. #11
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar Gatorade, is it in you?
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    Default Re: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

    Quote Originally Posted by Påsan View Post
    Frozen was a far better film than Tangled though.
    Now you're simply comparing one blasphemy with another! It could be argued that Tangled is even more blasphemous against the name of the Prophet Muhammad, may peace be upon him. It features an infidel woman with flowing long hair that is uncovered by a hijab or even a veil, against the wishes of her mother, who wisely tries to keep her locked away in the harem away from boys before she can find a proper suitor for arranged marriage. The moral of this story, that girls should escape their parents to seek unmarried sex partners, goes against everything IS stands for and we declare jihad on Disney for it!

    And don't even get me started on Disney's Aladdin.

  12. #12
    Mayer's Avatar Campidoctor
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    Default Re: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

    The thing is that Frozen's plot isn't even original, it is a 1:1 copy of the lion king (which was one of my favourite disney movies), turned into the gayest thing Disney has ever created with a obvious LGBT message.

    God, I wish Walt Disney, nazi in closed who he was, would return from the grave and lead the company once more.
    Then we could show the Islamic State of Salaami that western animation isn't all about lesbian sorceresses.


  13. #13

    Default Re: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

    You can watch the entirety of Tangled, without getting bored.

    You can probably reduce Frozen to half an hour, and not lose anything of substance.
    Eats, shoots, and leaves.

  14. #14
    Lord Oda Nobunaga's Avatar 大信皇帝
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    Default Re: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

    I enjoyed Tangled. I didn't even watch Frozen so I'm pissing in the wind if I tried to review it on here.

    "Famous general without peer in any age, most superior in valor and inspired by the Way of Heaven; since the provinces are now subject to your will it is certain that you will increasingly mount in victory." - Ōgimachi-tennō

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    Roma_Victrix's Avatar Gatorade, is it in you?
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    Default Re: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Oda Nobunaga View Post
    I enjoyed Tangled. I didn't even watch Frozen so I'm pissing in the wind if I tried to review it on here.
    Brother Oda, it is not worth watching, it is a blasphemy and a curse on the Muslims! The Islamic State shall burn every copy that comes into its possession, in a mighty pyre that will put Hitler's book burnings to shame.

  16. #16
    Lord Oda Nobunaga's Avatar 大信皇帝
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    Default Re: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

    I'm still tickled at the thought that some guy who controls not even half of Syria or Iraq is claiming the Caliphate. this guy, a real Caliphate needs at least all of Iraq, Syria and Palestine and those or the weak ones. So far his mighty Caliphate looks more like a little Emirate.

    "Famous general without peer in any age, most superior in valor and inspired by the Way of Heaven; since the provinces are now subject to your will it is certain that you will increasingly mount in victory." - Ōgimachi-tennō

  17. #17
    Påsan's Avatar Hva i helvete?
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    Default Re: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

    Quote Originally Posted by Mayer View Post
    The thing is that Frozen's plot isn't even original, it is a 1:1 copy of the lion king (which was one of my favourite disney movies), turned into the gayest thing Disney has ever created with a obvious LGBT message.

    God, I wish Walt Disney, nazi in closed who he was, would return from the grave and lead the company once more.
    Then we could show the Islamic State of Salaami that western animation isn't all about lesbian sorceresses.
    Its not a 1:1 copy at all, if that were the case, Elsa would have to be the main character. And I did not find it particularly "gay" at all, feminist, certainly, not "gay". Rather refreshing when love is not the main plot. I believe that's a first for Disney.

    Why are you so concerned about the sexuality of Elsa though? Making you feel insecure?

    You can watch the entirety of Tangled, without getting bored.
    Disagree. I think large portions of the middle film is stupid and unnecessary I.e everything that happens between the chick leaves the tower and arrives at the city. With frozen, its mostly the Trolls who could have been cut. The rest of it flows quite nicely.

  18. #18

    Default Re: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

    Besides lezzie interaction, there's the moose monologues and letting it snow. And that's more or less it.
    Eats, shoots, and leaves.

  19. #19
    Rijul.J.Ballal's Avatar Domesticus
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    Default Re: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

    Roma Victrix I can do nothing but bow in the face of your comedic genius!
    Click here!!!!!!! - [email protected]

  20. #20
    sabaku_no_gaara's Avatar Indefinitely Banned
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    Default Re: ISIS reviews Disney's Frozen

    Was this a satirical review? Or was this real?

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