It was fortunate that the Germans had been disorganized enough to attack the Romans en masse in a rare clearing, because the Romans were in their element.

It was the height of summer in Noricum, the Roman Alpine province, and the Germans were attempting to surge their way through the mountain passes into the Po valley. They probably hoped to take Iovavum and Patavium, but the Romans under Kaeso Quadriganius Victor were entrenched in the passes. The full weight of an entire Roman legion covered Noricum and Venetia's butts; on the other hand, the barbarians had two hordes of chosen swordsmen, axmen, archers, gothic cavalry, even some women and children.

And in Quadriganius' army were Spurius Sacrumius Venetius and his best friend Gaius Trinostrilius Impudicus.

Spurius was a simple, happy man by nature, but Gaius was a rougher veteran of an extra year. He'd been nicknamed "Impudicus" when he'd insulted his schoolmaster and beat him up for good measure in his younger days. Spurius knew if he needed help in anything, he only needed to ask Gaius. And help he needed that day. He was so struck by the thousands of barbarians in an endless procession thundering out of the woods and pouring in towards the Romans on all sides that his arms began to shake with fear. The century's centurion, a veteran called Marcus Carpe Lupus, was a tough, middleaged man who laughed off Spurius' fear and tossed him a small flask. Spurius opened it and sipped down the contents-super strong wine. Suddenly he didn't feel so scared. Even though suddenly there were twice as many barbarians, he just hurled his pila when they came in range and laughed in their faces.

Hurling spit and projectiles, the Romans and barbarians clashed. Gaius was impaling barbarians on his gladius at a rapid rate. When he cracked the blade on a barbarian's skull, he dropped the hilt and picked up the fallen barbarian's sword. Spurius was hacking and bashing with his shield, but for every barbarian he hacked down, it seemed like another hundred poured out of the forest.

The man next to Gaius was killed, so Gaius, with no peripheral vision, had to fight off two barbarians at once for a bit until Marcus arrived and joined the fray. When Gaius was knocked to the floor and a barbarian went in for the deathblow, Marcus redirected his spearpoint and slashed his head from his neck. He then calmly proceeded to hack through four more barbarians in the short time it took Gaius to get up.

The battle was a mess. The ground was littered with the dead. In the distance, Spurius saw arrows fill the skies, and he raised his shield, using the opening to stab the next barbarian dead. Every time he did that he felt his inner Jimminy Cricket telling him to stop killing. As arrows clanked off his shield, he continued fighting. Death didn't scare him. No wait, it did. The wine was wearing off.

Hours later, as yet more barbarians arrived, the exhausted Romans were forced to retreat. They had to muster all their forces and hacked through the barbarian lines back down the pass towards Italy. They had failed. Everyone was falling back. Gaius and Spurius lost themselves and Marcus in the exodus into the forest. Many Romans still managed to escape and wheezed their way into Iovavum, where the trio were reunited. Quadriganius was also alive. Even so, the barbarians were hot on the Romans' trail and were already besieging Iovavum.

Will the barbarians take Iovavum? Will Quadriganius be defeated? Will Rhonda tell Simon she still loves him?

To find out, tune in next time, on the next exciting episode of Dutch Courage in Noricum!