Describe present and historical countries in one pithy phrase

[Roma_Victrix]

Welcome to the thread where you - yes, you! - get to assign to various countries both present and historical a pithy phrase or title that succinctly sums up their existence, history, prevailing attitude, mythos, relations with neighboring countries, etc. Since I'm initiating the thread I'll be the first to take a stab at this, and provide a model for everyone else. You don't have to copy my approach, but I'll portray the various countries below as members of a small town or community that represents the entire globe.

It's okay to poke, prod, and make fun of countries, but do so in a respectful manner and in a way that does not violate TWC's TOS.

Modern nations:
* United States of America: the Chief of Police; also, the Indian Giver
* United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland: father of the Chief of Police; also the town's former Chief of Police; he used to own a lot of property in town that he had to sell off
* Canada: mounty police patrolman, proud moose owner
* People's Republic of China: the shoe factory owner
** Republic of China (Taiwan): the factory owner's little brother
* Russian Federation: the local animal trapper; also, the drunken uncle
** Ukraine: the animal trapper's rebellious college-age son
* India: the town's principal convenience store owner (with deals on tea and spices)
* Pakistan: the rival convenience store owner down the road
* Brazil: the exotic dance instructor from out of town
* Mexico: the janitor, but also part-time mariachi guitarist
* Japan: owner of the local tech store
* South Korea: owner of the rival tech store down the road
* North Korea: the rival tech store owner's little brother locked away in the local asylum
* Germany: owner of the local car dealership
* France: naturally, the sleek downtown cafe owner
* Spain: owner of the local Tapas restaurant
* Italy: owner of the Italian restaurant next-door
* Greece: owner of the local sports team and stadium; recently filed for bankruptcy, though
* Turkey: owner of a series of doner kebab venders
* Sweden: totally hot blonde gymnastics teacher who moved in next-door to you
* Norway: Her older sister, owner of a dockyard
* Belgium: the trilingual English, French, Flemish language instructor at the local college where the animal trapper's son goes
* Netherlands: the district attorney, successful prosecutor (International Criminal Court joke there)
* Saudi Arabia: the Exxon gas station owner
* Venezuela: the BP gas station owner across the street
* Iran: the rug and carpet store owner
* Egypt: the ethnically-Arab Expedia travel agent
* Israel: naturally, the local rabbi
* The Vatican: naturally, the local Catholic priest
* Poland: the cleaning lady who once had a love triangle with the car dealer and animal trapper; got ugly, turned violent
* Cuba: the local socialist newsletter editor; works part time with the exotic dance instructor
* Switzerland: naturally, owner of the local community bank
* Denmark: owns several boats for the local fishing industry
* Jamaica: Medical marijuana doctor and clinician; also, part-time Reggae bass guitarist
* Nigeria: the town's best soccer (football) player; plays for the local team
* Thailand: owner of the local circus with elephants

If your country did not make the list, fear not! You can add it all by yourself and others too. Now for some historical countries who once lived in the town:

Historical countries, kingdoms, empires, etc.
* Ancient Egypt: founded the town in 1805, set up shop as a local baker and beer distributor
* Ancient Mesopotamia (Sumer, Akkadia, Babylonia, Assyria, etc.): moved into town around the exact same time, became the town's first lawyer in 1807
* Ancient China (Shang, Zhou, Warring States, Qin, Han dynasties): set up shop as the town's first silk embroiderer selling homemade goods
* Ancient India: (Harappa, Maurya, Gupta, etc.): the town's first movie theater owner (although they showed mostly cheesy dance movies at first)
* Ancient Persia: jewelry store owner who was wealthy enough to pave the town's first roads, with tolls of course
* Ancient Athens (and rest of Greece): the town's first theatre owner and playwright, got himself embroiled in a couple legal feuds with the jewel merchant over the border of their properties
* Alexander's Macedonian Empire: first official mayor for the municipality
* Seleucid Empire: the jewelry store's owner who inherited the store
* Roman Republic: the town's first Chief of Police
* Roman Empire: son of the first Chief of Police; he eventually became the second mayor of the town
* Parthian Empire: town's first candlemaker (fire temples, hehe ); also next-door neighbor to the second mayor who often got into heated disputes with him over the right to paint the fence (Armenia) between their properties
* Sassanid Empire: the candlemaker's son; he inherited the business after the suspicious death of his father
* Ancient Olmecs of Mesoamerica: the rock quarry site owner across the river
* Holy Roman Empire: local publisher/printmaker + estranged younger brother of the town's first Catholic priest
* Republic of Venice: established the town's first lakeside marina for boating
* Republic of Genoa: established the town's first water park
* Byzantine Empire: son of the second mayor of the town; unfortunately born with dwarfism, he became the town's first Orthodox Church priest
* Tang Dynasty China: the silk embroiderer's son, the town's first Buddhist monk
* Mongol Empire: the aggressive equestrian businessman from out of town who bought up most of the town's properties for a period of time
* Kwarezmian Empire: a distant relative of the candlemaker's mentioned above; his business was driven out of town by the aggressive businessman
* Kievan Rus: the Orthodox priest's little brother, owner of beehives for making and selling honey, driven out of town by the aggressive businessman
* Song Dynasty China: local printmaker rivalling the one mentioned above, driven out of town by the aggressive businessman
* Ming Dynasty China: the latter's son who returned to town to reclaim his dad's property in a legal battle
* Qing Dynasty China: an old rival of the latter's father, who swallowed up the print business but lost it all after becoming addicted to drugs (opium) pushed onto it by none other than the town's Chief of Police at the time (the UK)
* Rashidun Caliphate: the town's first Muslim cleric, runs the local mosque
* Kingdom of France: the town's first winery owner and winemaker
* Kingdom of England: local craftsmen, sells round tables mostly
* Kingdom of Scotland: seller of plaid flannels at discount prices
* Ottoman Empire: the town's first gun store owner
* Mughal India: opened the town's first Indian restaurant, the first building in town to sport white marble
* Safavid Persia: the first rug and carpet merchant in town
* Kingdom of Sicily: town's first mafia don with a front business, a godfather to many children in the town
* The Aztecs: the town's first heart transplant surgeon
* Kingdom of Siam: established the circus in town; first elephant owner in town

I'm fairly exhausted from having to think up things for this. Now it's your turn!

[Vítor Gaspar]

Portugal: the right-wing, conservative estranged father of the exotic dance instructor; once a successful businessman and a supporter of the United Kingdom's run for Chief of Police, he new comes into town frequently trying to get a grip on his daughter, buying plane tickets with borrowed money from a loan shark; never having managed to get over his daughter's choices, he got into boozing and led his shipping business into bankruptcy; he currently lives inside a car, about to be impounded by a German car dealer, after he couldn't pay his house's mortgage; currently lives on welfare and rumor has it that he has been sending letters to his daughter asking her to forgive him for his absence and that "he can change". Some hags say that the sudden change of mind has to do with the fact his daughter is now in college and aspires to buy Venezuela's BP local franchise.

[Roma_Victrix]

@Vitor Gaspar: Brilliant. Just brilliant. That's +1 rep.

[Sir Adrian]

Romania: Son of the village gigolo and a woman he happened to find in the fields, former child prodigy who got bullied by the neighbor's kids for too long and developed an inferiority complex. Fills the role lazy village trickster who makes a living by playing tricks on others, drinks hard alcohol like it was water, has a tendency to steal his own hat and give it to others and then complain that he's cold. Image is further ruined due to village thief impersonating him.

[Roma_Victrix]

I've been to Romania before and that sums it up nicely. I'm not sure if spending most of my time in Brasov had something to do with it, though.

[Sir Adrian]

Villages in Moldova fit the bill even better. Why does every foreigner go to Brasov? It's like the least impressive area of the country.

[Stavroforos]

Greece: forced into early retirement after inventing civilization.

[Roma_Victrix]

Villages in Moldova fit the bill even better. Why does every foreigner go to Brasov? It's like the least impressive area of the country.

I don't know, the enormous medieval Black Church (Biserica Neagră) of Brasov was pretty impressive and totally neato with its pipe organs and reliefs. Plus Brasov was the first place where I got to see actual Roman ruins in the form of old walls (before I went to Cologne, Germany the following week and saw nicely preserved Roman towers near the antiquities museum). I was rather intrigued and charmed by the cobblestone streets that exist far outside the city center of Brasov. I also got to see Bran Castle and Peles Castle, if it makes you feel any better (it may make you feel worse, though, considering how those are also tourist traps).

Greece: forced into early retirement after inventing civilization.

LOL. Good one. I think you might want to revise your statement a wee bit, though, and play it safe by stating they only invented Western civilization and not civilization itself from its very origins (I'm thinking Ancient Egypt, Sumer, and the Indus Valley Civilization).

I suppose even to this day the Greeks don't think very fondly or highly of their Byzantine past as opposed to classical antiquity (including the Roman era). That's odd considering how Byzantium was one of the greatest, if not the greatest state in Europe during the Middle Ages (until April 1204 AD of course; damn confounded Venetians, they took yer jobs and yer Constantinople). Then came the Ottomans; yikes! Poor Greeks; you guys couldn't catch a break, could you?

[Stavroforos]

Nah, Byzantium is thought of quite fondly in Greece as well. Any period of non-Greek rule is thought of negatively, ie the Romans and Ottomans, even though they were actually our beat years. But in any case, in response to civilization = Western civilization, "is there some other forms, you wretched woman?"

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

from HBO Rome, lest te be offended

[napoleon boneaparte]

No South-east Asian countries? And worse still, no Singapore?! Fine, Singapore: Businessman who is filthy rich, Malaysia: Singapore's poorer older brother, Philippines: The maid, Indonesia: Malaysia's older brother who's poor but getting richer, Timor Leste: Run-away son of Indonesia

[Roma_Victrix]

No South-east Asian countries? And worse still, no Singapore?! Fine, Singapore: Businessman who is filthy rich, Malaysia: Singapore's poorer older brother, Philippines: The maid, Indonesia: Malaysia's older brother who's poor but getting richer, Timor Leste: Run-away son of Indonesia

I did have Thailand and the historical Kingdom of Siam, but I could have included Vietnam and its monarchical dynasties, Cambodia and the Khmer Empire, etc.

In any case, nice pithy descriptions you have there!

[Roma_Victrix]

I guess I could take a shot at fitting the Central Asian nations into this town environment narrative as well:

Kazakhstan: the fat, happy owner of the town's petroleum outlet
Kyrgyzstan: the local shawarma vender and (on the weekends) a reciter of epic Manas poetry
Uzbekistan: the menacing older brother of the shawarma vender who owns a cotton field in town that inadvertently destroyed the communal lake nearby after siphoning off its water supply for irrigation
Tajikistan: the hapless, homeless cousin of the latter two; he eats food from the dumpster and soup kitchens for the homeless, and barely has a penny to his name; poor fella
Turkmenistan: the unhinged, loony uncle to each of these aforementioned townspeople who demands their respect even after getting drunk the night before and yelling crazy stuff at them; he owns his own private sandbox for his kids to play in, and owns a petroleum outlet store to rival the first townsperson mentioned.
Afghanistan: a distant relative of these townspeople who was locked up in jail and pending trial by the Chief of Police on aggravated assault charges (9/11) and illicit drug possession (opium, lol)

[Kirila the Kitten]

Armenia: The very old man who is kind with everyone except the kebab vendor.

[Hobbes]

The Byzantine Empire is actually the second mayor's son, who was once tough, but now gets bullied by the other kids and always ends up with no lunch money because of it.

[Bo1Bo1Sha3]

......

[Lord Oda Nobunaga]

Colombia: the illegitimate child of America and the Hispanic housekeeper

Panama: the retarded conjoined twin sticking out of Colombia's head

Venezuela: the husband of the Hispanic housekeeper who claims that Colombia is actually his son and demands full custody from America. Note: Venezuela may be transgendered and never makes up their mind, sometimes being especially conservative and other times acting extremely radical and irresponsible with its own life.

Spain: the mother of these inbred Latinos, she had a rough relationship with Venezuela when it decided to be radical and not believe in commitment and go it alone. At some point Spain started a rocky relationship with America which ended in disaster and last custody of Florida, Puerto Rico, Philippines, Guam, Cuba, Colombia and Panama. Now Spain has run off into the hills and gone insane; sometimes calling herself Catalonia, sometimes Aragon and sometimes Castile and when feeling especially self hating a "dirty Basque". To this day it is unkown whether the father of these children is Venezuela or America.

[Ferdiad]

Ireland, better than the welsh at rugby.

[Påsan]

Norway: That eccentric and secluded rich guy on the top of the hill. Known as a boring but sensible to the very few who care.
Sweden: The well-off wannabe-Hipster who constantly tries to make the world better place for everyone. People like him only because of his hot sister.
Denmark: The jolly alcoholic at the bar. Not much to look at but well liked by everyone.
Finland. Who is that guy? Nobody knows.
Iceland: The small peep who want to be seen as an adult. Has a notorious fart problem.

[Roma_Victrix]

Panama: the retarded conjoined twin sticking out of Colombia's head

Brilliant.

[napoleon boneaparte]

Australia: Cattle dealer, lifeguard and rugby player
New Zealand: Shepherd, is the one of the most relaxed outdoors guys and has a fierce rivalry with his friend Australia when it comes to rugby.