The Mausoleum of Augustus
Pour me a double measure, of Falernian, Callistus,
and you Alcimus, melt over it summer snows,
let my sleek hair be soaked with excess of perfume,
my brow be wearied beneath the sewn-on rose.
The Mausoleum tells us to live, that one nearby,
it teaches us that the gods themselves can die.
-Martial, Epi.5, 64
"I felt a little ill and called Dr. Symmachus.Well, you came, Symmachus, but you brought 100 medical students with you.
One hundred ice-cold hands poked and jabbed me.
I didn't have a fever, Symmachus, when I called you –but now I do.
-Martial, Epi.5,9
"Rumor tells, Chiona, that you are a virgin,
and that nothing is purer than your fleshy delights.
Nevertheless, you do not bathe with the correct part covered:
if you have the decency, move your panties onto your face."
-Martial, Epi.3,87
"'You are a frank man', you are always telling me, Cerylus.
Anyone who speaks against you, Cerylus, is a frank man."
-Martial, Epi.1,67
"Eat lettuce and soft apples eat:
For you, Phoebus, have the harsh face of a defecating man."
-Martial, Epi.3,89
With your giant nose and cock
I bet you can with ease
When you get excited
check the end for cheese.
-Martial, Epi.4, 36
Caecilianus,
There wasn't a guy in this whole damn city
Who would have touched your old lady without a stud fee
When she was easily available.
But now, with all those chaperones you've hired,
There's a pack of cocksmen waiting to bang her.
You sure are clever.
-Martial, Epi.1,73
Ponticus, you only
your fist.
That complaisant left hand is your sole mistress.
No big deal, you say?
Believe me pal, it's a major crime--
More than you can imagine.
Horatius
ed just once, and sired three sons;
Mars did the same, and Ilia bore twins.
If either guy had jerked off in his hand,
Down the drain with natural increase!
Mother Nature is displeased. She chides you:
"The sticky stuff that's dripping from your fingers
Is a human being, Ponticus."
-Martial, Epi.9,41
Instantius Rufus, go ahead and read
Those depraved pornographics of Musaeus,
The ones that are filthier
Than the Sybaritic sex manuals.
Read those hot and salty pages.
Just be sure your girlfriend's with you
So that Mrs. Fist and her five lusty daughters
Aren't your sole bridal party,
And you become a husband-plug
Without a wife-socket.
-Martial, Epi.11,95
You ask what I see in my farm near Nomentum, Linus?
What I see in it, Linus, is: from there I can’t see you.
-Martial, Epi.2,32
You say pretty girls burn with love for you, Sextus,
with
your face too, like a man swimming underwater.
-Martial, Epi.2, 87
Only you have land, then, Candidus,
Gold plate, cash, and porcelain, only you,
Massic or Caecuban wine of famous vintage,
only you judgement and wit, only you.
You have it all – well say I don’t deny it –
But everyone has your wife, along with you.
-Martial, Epi.3, 26
Chloe, I could live without your face,
without your neck, and hands, and legs
without your breasts, and ass, and hips,
and Chloe, not to labour over details,
I could live without the whole of you.
-Martial, Epi.3, 53
Aulus, atrocious tragedy’s struck my girl;
she’s lost her plaything and her fond delight:
not such as Catullus’ tender mistress wept for
his Lesbia, bereft of worthless sparrow,
nor, sung by Stella, his Ianthis grieves for,
whose black dove wings it through Elysium:
She’s not won by such loves, such nonsense,
mea lux: they don’t stir my lady’s heart:
she’s lost a slave boy hardly twelve years old,
his member not yet eighteen inches long.
-Martial, Epi.7,14
You do Germans, and Parthians, and Dacians, Caelia,
you don’t scorn Cappadocian, Cilician beds;
and
ers from Memphis, that Pharian city,
and Red Sea’s black Indians sail towards you.
You’d not flee the thighs of a circumcised Jew,
not an Alan goes by, with Sarmatian horse too.
What’s the reason, then, since you are a Roman,
not one Roman member pleases you, woman?
-Martial, Epi.7,30
That dish you’d send to me on Saturn’s day,
you send to your mistress now, Sextilianus:
that green outfit you gave her on the Kalends,
those called after Mars,
that my toga’s paid for.
Your girls begin to cost you nothing now:
Sextilianus, you’re
ing with my gifts.
-Martial, Epi.10, 29
When you want to go visit a distant lover, for sure, now,
Paula, you’ll not be telling that stupid husband of yours,
‘Caesar’s ordered me off to Alba tomorrow first thing,
Caesar: Circeii.’ The age of such tricks has gone.
Under Nerva’s rule it’s all right to be a Penelope:
but those ‘needs’ of yours, your true nature, won’t let you.
Bad girl, what can you do? Discover an ailing friend?
Your husband would stick fast to his lady himself
and go with you, if it were brother, mother, or father.
So, my ingenious one, what ruse do you consider?
Some other adulteress would say, for her nerves,
she needed to take the waters at Sinuessa.
You do better, Paula, when you want to go
ing,
you choose to tell that husband of yours the truth!
-Martial, Epi.11,7
Lesbia swears she’s never been
ed for free.
True. When she wants to be
ed, she has to pay.
-MArtial, Epi.11,62
Leda tells her aged spouse she suffers from nerves,
and cries that she absolutely has to be
ed;
but, with tears and moans, sighs nothing is worth that,
and declares she’s reconciled to dying instead.
He begs her, live, not lose her years of youth,
and lets be done what he can’t do now himself.
The female doctors leave, males take their place,
her knees are raised. O weighty remedy!
-Martial, Epi.11,71
The tipsy flute-girl blows us with moistened cheeks:
sometimes she blows just one, often both together.
-Martial, Epi.14
I had this really horny broad all night,
A girl whose naughty tricks are unsurpassed.
We did it in a thousand different ways.
Tired of the same old thing, I asked that boyish thing.
Before I finished speaking, she said Yes.
Emboldened, I then blushed a bit, and laughed,
And asked for a certain more wicked thing.
The lusty wench agreed without a blink.
Still, that girl was pure in my eyes, Aeschylus--
But she won't be for you. To get the same,
You'll have to grant a nasty stipulation.
-MArtial, Epi.9,67
Bassa, I never saw you hang with guys--
Nobody whispered that you had a beau.
Girls surrounded you at every turn;
They did your errands, with no attendant males.
And so, I guess I naturally assumed
That you were what you seemed: a chaste Lucretia.
But hell no. Why, you shameless little tramp,
You were an active humper all the time.
You improvised, by rubbing
together,
And using your unnatural lust
To counterfeit the thrusting of a male.
Unbelievable. You've managed to create
A real conundrum, worthy of the Sphinx:
Adultery where there isn't a man.
-Martial, Epi.1, 90
Munatius Gallus, of Sabine simplicity,
in kindness of heart outdoing Epicurus,
by your daughter’s eternal marriage torches,
chaste Venus grant you preserve that fair tie:
if foul envy claims by chance that verses
tinted with green verdigris are mine,
deny them, as you do, and contend
that no-one who is read writes such things.
This law my little books know how to keep:
to spare the person, ah, but speak the vice.
-Martial, Epi.10,33
Rome praises, loves, and quotes my little books,
I’m there in every pocket, every hand.
See them blush, turn white, stunned, yawn, disgusted.
I like it: now’s when my poems give me delight.
-Martial, Epi.6,60