The Critic's Quill: Issue 38

**Robin de Bodemloze** · June 03, 2013, 11:00 AM

From the Editor
Hello and welcome to Issue 38 of the Quill.

It is with considerable pleasure that, after the recent hiatus, I bring to you the newest edition of the Critic's Quill - I hope you will agree that it was well worth the wait.

We have a wide selection of AAR reviews, and in an area I am particularly keen to expand on going forward - a review of a story from the Creative Writing forums. We also have the latest from the Writer's Study, condensing the latest action from the competitions since the last edition of the Quill. An article on the role of the fairer sex in AAR writing is sure to catch attention too, I'm sure.

The Winter 2013 Scriptorium Competition winners are now in, and we give each of the winners the critical eye.

As I begin my tenure as editor, I am pleased to announce that, along with the return of several seasoned veterans in Radzeer, Dance, Merchant of Venice, and the Kybrothilian, we are now joined by no fewer than four new talents - Dude with the Food, f0ma, Legio_Italica and R-teen. Please join me in welcoming them to the editorial staff and thanking them for their efforts.

Robin de Bodemloze
Editor

Table of Contents

News

Catching Up With the Study

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Welcome to Issue 38 of the Critic’s Quill!

Tale of the Week

Now, let’s get this first issue of Catching Up started with some Tale of the Week submissions. The winning tales have earned the adulation of the crowds. Now we must dissect them and delve deep into the souls of their meaning with the hopes of catching a glimpse of the creative architecture that went into their design.

Okay – gloves, scalpel, glasses, coffee. Ready!

To begin, we start with TotW 171: We Are Still Here. The topic itself is inspired by the (now-we-know) infamous “2012” apocalypse event. Ironically, as a valuable tool to possess at the end of the world, Confederate Jeb uses such a theme to inspire his own tale featuring a gun-toting child, groomed to quite possibly be a next generation card-holding member of the N.R.A. The boy, who received his first shotgun for Christmas, had never before experienced the awe and excitement that would come with owning a contraption of such power!

The boy’s father then instils in him the respect required to own and operate such a prestigious gift. The boy was enthralled by his gift, and heartily embraced the respect and maturity required to own such an important object. He had gone through a rite of passage, as Confederate Jeb divulged.

The tale was heartfelt and enjoyable. My only quarrels lay with small grammatical errors that occurred sporadically in the tale. Few as they were, they were noticeable (albeit perhaps only to a probing critic). A key spelling error occurred, and there were cases were comma usage could have been more generous. Lastly, I found certainly places were opening new paragraphs would have made for an easier read.

Overall, this was a magnificent tale. Congratulations to Confederate Jeb on his thoughtful tale and impressive victory!

Next we come to TotW 172: Year of the Snake. The challenging selection of key words stirred the creative juices of our competitors and produced some jaw-dropping tales. But, as Connor MacLeod would say, there can only be one. This one would be Kip.

Kip provided us with a glance into the intriguing life of a New York busker; an Italian guitarist who clearly takes some lines from Archie Bunker’s bigotry-riddled scripts (though thought, not actually as far as to speak of it). The simplistic and relatively ignorant guitarist seemed innocent on the outset, but this quickly changes as the story progressed.

He certainly coveted his guitar case and what lies inside. This was made clear early on. The hypocrisy of the man was overwhelming - every paragraph and nearly every sentence had some sort of derogatory or condescending connotation associated with the targeted people.

In terms of critique, there were grammatical errors involved in this tale. The lack of commas throughout the tale was one. The addition of more paragraph breaks would also have improved the story, I feel. Nonetheless the story was as entertaining as it was captivating. As a reader you never knew what to expect next from the words of this seemingly foul-mouthed cretin (the character that is). I think it was the brilliance of Kip’s character that made this such an enticing tale.

Great job on the tale, Kip, it was certainly to die for!

Mors Vigilia presents us with a masterful description of the tranquil beauty of a perplexed mountain for the following week: TotW: 173: Mountain Sound.

In the tale, the author enacts such descriptive vigour in penning this amazing tale down, that we have all caught of glimpse of how he envisions it, in his own mind. The people, whom once mined this stairway to the heavens, have all but abandoned it now. The author depicts the tragic breaking of the bond between the mountain and the people whom once were once intertwined. The mountain now haunts the people of the region, whispering to them endlessly, attaching to them forever. The people yearn for the day when they can rid themselves of its unforgiving grasp.

This is truly a powerful tale. From beginning to end, the tale harnesses the imagination and attention of its audience.

There is, however, always room for improvement. Mors’ amazing tale isn't without flaws, as all works, regardless of the skill level of the author. Noticeably, the phrasing of several lines seems a bit exaggerated. On the outset, it could better complement the story and its structure by rephrasing some lines which would add a more steady flow to the story, itself. The reiteration of "Mountain Sound" also seemed quite redundant. Once seemed a suitable complement to the story, however further repetitions seemed to lose their meaning.

Overall, Mors’ story was magnificent and well done. Mors did very well to seal the victory of his creative tale!

Lastly, in our Tale of the Week coverage, we come to the TotW Special Edition: Ten Year Anniversary (TotW 185). In this the ever present key words were replaced with a number of themes related to TWC itself. This harked back to the formative days of the TotW competition. The topics themselves allowed entrants to commemorate the years past and the many that have contributed to our great community, and to honour the site for all it has given to us.

Shankbot de Bodemloze reigned victorious as champion of this week’s tale after a week long, nail-biting poll in which the votes of four mighty tales only decided the winner by a small margin.

Shankbot’s tale innovatively mimics the forum itself, and shows us insight into his discovery of the site. He provides us with his own personal tale of how he happened upon it in 2011. His tale was unrivalled in its unique nature, and it was this which made his tale stand out above all else in the competition. But, we can expect nothing less of his ingenuity and penmanship!

Kudos to you, Shankbot, for your magnificent tale and victory!

That wraps up our TotW coverage for this issue, but next issue will most certainly contain some magnificent tales – yet to be written!

Monthly Creative Writing Competition

We now move onto our newest competition addition. For those of you familiar with the Monthly After Action Report Competition – we introduce to you now; the Monthly Creative Writing Competition. This new competition grants further opportunity to compete with your fellow writers in a friendly and constructive manner.

With five entries in the first month, the first month was indeed a success. All the tales were masterfully created and varied to so many degrees that you really have to delve deep into the tales to draw your conclusions.

A major factor that differentiates the new MCWC from the MAARC is that whereas the MAARC has a traditional focus on tales following some misguided soul through a war, or even the story of an entire civilization, the MCWC has an unlimited range of muses from which one might draw their tales. This could be tales of romance, exploration, education, traditional battle/war-related tales, etc. The creative selections are endless and rely solely on an author wishing to pitch their own work, or that of their fellow writers.

As the competition goes through its first few editions, we shall see the changes it brings to the Writer Study! Could this competition propel the creative writing section upwards in popularity? Even as far as to contend with the AAR-dominated Writer’s Study? Time shall tell, but regardless, we are all comrades with quills and ink pots (or keyboards as the case may be)!

MAARC coverage:

Lastly, but certainly not least of our coverage goes to the Monthly After Action Report Competition. With competitions XLIII and XLIV, the continuation of the popular writing competition continues to thrive! With numerous entries in both competitions, we are left with six total winners in the end - though not the easiest task to decipher each AAR, as all AARs are meticulously thought out and written in the unique style that befits our various authors.

Recently we have seen some relatively new AARtists emerge victorious in the MAARC. It is always refreshing to see new faces competing and adding some different flavours to the AAR scene – from the Americas to the rocky sands of the Levant, from the warm heart of ancient Rome to the unforgiving cold of Skyrim. The assortment of tales we have been treated to has been endless.

And now our winners:

New face, Sweaft's The Fire That Burned claimed first in MAARC XLIII! This tale of the magnificently prosperous Republic of Venice shows us the unity and success that comes with a ruling council versus a ruling king! Brilliantly presented with a unique writing style where predicting the next paragraph is near impossible!

This new writer definitely made a stunning debut knocking a ball out of the park with his new tale, certainly a morale boost for an author to achieve such a prestigious victory so early into their AAR career!

Congratulations on your victory, Sweaft! Your voters and readers (hopefully the same people) yearn for more! Welcome to AARt!

Following in a close (tie-breaker) second place, Chirurgeon's original tale, The Nascent Ranger has undoubtedly proven his skill as an AARtist again! The Nascent Ranger follows a lone soul, a ranger in Skyrim. Those familiar with Chirurgeon's completed AAR, An Orc in Skyrim, will be most certainly impressed by his newest story. Garnering the votes of the community, this tale takes place in the unforgiving north, where one must battle the elements and the evil that corrupts the land! This tale has been meticulously planned and put to action, featuring over one hundred modifications which only complement the amazing story! Keep up the great work, Chirurgeon!

The third place title for the competition goes to a citizen that many AARtists are familiar with, Thokran. Undoubtedly, his tale of the Crusades, Heaven's Decent, (a very unique, and catchy title, which takes us to a seemingly popular setting) had claimed a tie-breaking win as well, for third place. The Christian Cypriots attempt to reclaim the vestiges of their last bastion in the east of the Mediterranean, facing the ever-growing Islamic dominance in the region.

With a unique presentation - a combination of a previous AAR and a new addition, the two are intertwined together, spaced nearly two hundred years apart, the newly-minted AAR portrays the reminiscent elements of the first, whilst creating a masterful combination and beautifully collaborated tale! Though the struggle has lasted hundreds of years, will the last Crusader state flourish or flounder? The only way is to follow the epic tale, as so many others have and have voted favourably for.

Great work, Thokran! You deserved every vote.

Congratulations also to the others who competed! Keep at it!

The most recent competition - Monthly After Action Report Competition XLIV sees some familiar tales and new alike!

The famous Robin de Bodemloze secures a first place in this particular month's competition, with his finale in Takeda. Congratulations, Robin, as few are unfamiliar with your tale based in Shogunate-era Japan! It is a commendable placement in the competition for the end of this mighty AAR. May it stand the test of time, and adorn the annals of AARt history, in our compendium for generations to come!

Congratulations on your victory, Robin!

Following closely behind was Strengelicher. A very dramatic and problematic period for all bordering the mighty Mediterranean, here is a tale from the Roman Catholic point of view. During the heat of the Crusade era, Strengelicher leads a people in a very unforgiving land and time. With religious unrest rampant and bloodshed frequent, In The Holy Lands falls nothing short of near-perfection! We welcome this fairly new AARtist and congratulate him on his second place achievement! A definite contender in next month's competition! Deus Vult!

In third is Schrödinger's Restoring Rome! This Byzantine tale, set early into the Crusade years, shows us the struggle of a fading empire, as it contends with the proud Roman Catholic states of the west, and the mighty Islamic states of the east. Caught in between, in such unforgiving times of religious strife and contention, Schrödinger masterfully depicts the struggle of a fading empire, while the proud Byzantines hope to reclaim their lost lands and regain their former glory!

A true tale of endured hardships, and uncertain futures, Restoring Rome has rightfully earned the bronze this month. Great work, Schrödinger.

Could it be? Next, possibly the most exciting combination, the three-way-tie for that near-shiny-as-gold Bronze, two Skyrim tales contended with Schrödinger's tale, falling just short of third placement!

Veteran AARtist, Chirurgeon puts forth a great effort with his previous top three tale, The Nascent Ranger, back for some more blood in this month's competition. It was a commendable effort. We look forward to seeing more from this talented author in the future, as The Nascent Ranger continues!

Introducing a new face, Swaeft (not to be confused with the aforementioned member, Sweaft), has forged a powerful tale of the might of magic in The Astray Apprentice! A worthy finish for a new tale and a new AARtist. We hope to see more from this special writer!

That concludes our coverage of the previous MAARCs.

*

With this, the first edition of Catching up with the Study comes to an end. Be sure to check out the next edition, in Issue 39!

By Dance

AAR Reviews

Sparta: Rise of an Empire
A RS2.5 AAR by Evalation

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

A very nicely done graphic piece, serving as the AAR's main banner

Synopsis

The story revolves around the rise of Sparta, during the second century BC. The Spartan king, realizing the growing successes of the Roman Republic, in the west, has reformed the legendary Spartan military to mimic the very successful Roman legions, to try and bolster for his own nation’s stance, on the international pedestal.

The story is seen through two general perspectives: that of King Agesipolis III of Sparta as he must cope with the difficulties associated with military reform, and in an intensifying political atmosphere, where nations are growing bolder, as they content for expansionist rights, and therefore threatens the unification, and sovereignty of Greece.

The second of the perspectives, is seen through the eyes of the common Greek citizens, particularly two men by the names of Theseus, and Mitiades, as their lives are effected by war, after joining the legion.

Writing

The writing style the author chose, is pretty common. The dialogue is on par with the descriptive paragraphs, and the progress towards a climax continues to climb a cliff, growing steeper with each eventful chapter. The consistency of events is well maintained throughout the story, despite more grammatical errors, with each passing chapter.

The author has a tendency to sometimes write in the first person, forgetting that he is telling the story through first person. Even when those easy edits are made, there are many sentences, where they swap from third to first, which get missed during the edit.

The dialogue is intriguing, and well-constructed, with strong emotions displayed by those involved. This doesn't seem to be as large an issue as trying to comprehend the (sometimes erratically) constructed sentences, and paragraphs. I believe the writing is indeed lacking, not in the form of creativity, but in the form of proper sentence, and paragraph structuring. More on this small issue, in the critique section, later on.

Graphics

The story begins with the use of graphics, sporadically, which isn't a major issue, in terms of there being fewer graphics in an AAR, as it seems to be a growing trend, focusing more on content these days, than graphics themselves, however, in subsequent chapters, the graphics seem to have went from mild importance to effectively obsolete. It seems, initially, that the author planned to use graphics, by including over a half dozen in his prologue alone. He then began his next two chapters with a scene setting out-of-game picture. However, the continuance of the aforementioned chapter graphics soon tapered off, into no pictures for the next nine chapters.

Perhaps future chapters will offer more graphics, perhaps even in just battle scenarios, to give a better visual, or to construct the scene of an event, without actually saying a whole lot about it.

Critique

The author needs to make editing fixes. Every chapter seems to repeat the same grammatical issues. Editing doesn't seem to be getting done on the aforementioned issue, before new chapters are just created, and older chapters are left with little or no upkeep.

+ Originality (Spartan military reforms, and dual social class perspectives)
+ Developing characters
+ Consistent story progression

- Numerous grammatical errors
- Inconsistent punctuation
- Inconsistent point of view narratives
- Editing (grammar, typos, POVs, punctuation)

Final Thoughts

This is the author's second AAR, after putting his first on hold, fairly early into it. This AAR has proved to be more successful in terms of longevity, than his previous AAR. His ability to continue to keep updates coming despite sporadic periods of inactivity, due to real life, is commendable.

The author seems to neglect editing, even after it has been pointed out by others, on numerous posts, in between chapter updates. Most of the chapters are riddled with typos, and other errors.

I believe the author has a lot of potential. The story sings originality, from the beginning. I doubt (perhaps this is presumptuous on my part) that the idea of reforming Greek hoplite-dominated factions, for a very different type of military structure is a very bold and unique concept.

At times, it seems the author doubts his abilities, and by reading through his previous AAR, I found doubt in personal ability, and lack of editing, to be a deciding factor in dropping the first AAR. I hope this does not happen here, as well. This story has potential to become a very unique AAR, as the creativity is rampant, however the technical issues in writing, seem to be what plagues this AAR.

Review by Dance

Empire of Scotland
A M2TW AAR by Balor

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Hi readers,
For my first review, I thought it fit to analyse a relatively new writer here. That comes in the form of Balor and his Empire of Scotland tale. Set around the four great households of Scotland (that being Buchanan, Hamilton, Menzies and Wallace) related to the Canmore dynasty, this story is one that immediately grabbed my attention.

Originally Posted by Balor

They say these islands have not known peace for a thousand years. Many have landed on our shores, greedy and rapacious. Many have claimed dominion. Our people alone remain unbowed, alone unbroken.

Our ancestors stopped the mighty Romans. Our highlands have never been conquered.

Our people fought back the raiding Norsemen, giants bent on destruction. Our clans survived.

Our warriors defeated the Plantagenet, descendants of the one they called Conqueror. Our people prospered.

We are the Scoti. We are the rightful lords of this land, of these islands.

The story starts after the opening phase in 1183, with Scotland already in control over the British Isles. It follows the Scottish progress over the following years, particularly the establishments of Scoti Italia and Scot Graecia. I’ll let you read the rest.

This is a very campaign-driven AAR and the pictures break up the text a lot. Specifically, this makes it more true to the genre of writing and is no less effective than many character-based works out there.

I much preferred the opening chapter because I think much more effort was put into setting the plots. This is cleverly crafted from the origins of the story, set through the start of the campaign which is otherwise missed out. I think this is cleverly done; the opening of most campaigns plays the same and is often boring.

Overall, I can’t criticize the English itself. The grammar is good, and I haven’t found any punctuation or spelling mistakes.

One problem I have is there are broken paragraphs that get reflected in some halting sentences. Looking at certain phrases and parts of this work, it seems clear that the writer is a talented writer. However he seems to prefer letting the campaign take the more prominent role.

In short, it is well written but with a slightly fast pace.

Another thing I have noticed is the different perspectives used by the writer. The perspective switches between historian and supporter though the text and style remain the same. Whether this is accidental or not, it gives a divided feel to the piece, something that reflects the different families.

The story itself focuses on certain characters but the people in question change with the chapters. In a way this also gives the feel of a divided empire, something that would be harder to achieve while focusing on one person all the time.

This entire story is built around the difficulties of the four families yet I also find it lacks in intrigue. This is probably put down to little plot outside the gameplay which I find lets down the whole piece. I think that this stems from the root of most problems mentioned with this.

Overall, this is a picture-heavy AAR and very game-play driven. The writing there is can’t be faulted above what is mentioned and I’ve probably been too heavy on criticism. Despite all I’ve said, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and I hope it continues. Onwards and upwards.

Review by Dude With The Food

A People, but a Nation?
An ETW AAR by Lorem Ipsum

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

When asked to contribute a review to this fine publication, I did not have to think twice about which AAR I wanted to showcase. A People, but a Nation first caught my eye shortly after it was published in March. As many fine contributors have noted before me, Empire: Total War AARs are few and far between. When one gets off to such a flying start as this AAR has, it seems almost criminal not to give it the review it deserves.

The author opens with a humble – and unnecessary – apology for his fine efforts and gives some insight into the reasons as to why he wanted to write this AAR. Louisiana, his faction of choice, has received little attention from writers in the past, which immediately piques the reader’s interest out of sheer originality. Although we have had countless excellent AARs centred on many factions, that this is one of the first – if not the first – Louisiana AAR’s that has made significant progress.

A People, but a Nation is intended to be a chronicle of the colony of Louisiana over its transformation from French vassal-state to independent nation, following the author’s exploits in-game. The piece opens with a short history of Louisiana prior to the beginning of the AAR, which is then followed by additional details of the state supplemented by in-game information. Overall, the author devotes seven paragraphs to establishing a rich context for his subsequent story. Time well spent if you ask me. Such a strong introduction serves as a great primer for new readers, whether they are veteran Empire players or not. With these foundations built, the author jumps into a tale of daring across the North American continent.

The AAR itself is presented in the format of a history book, preferring to focus away from individual characters and instead presenting the campaign as a whole. Despite this the author expertly avoids serenading the reader with a monotonous repetition of: ‘this happened…then this happened…then that happened’. A People, but a Nation does this by interweaving campaign events into the wider context of the AAR, doing so with exemplary prose. Information and events that some might be considered trivial – such as the different varieties crops grown in Louisiana or the building of new roads – are used to enhance our understanding of the state whilst simultaneously creating a greater sense of immersion. By combining in-game events with an imaginative storyline, the author pulls the reader into thinking he is reading an actual history book.

The author stays true to the chosen format throughout the piece. Each chapter is broken down into two instalments. Within such instalments, the text is neatly sub-divided into relevant sections. Clear headings such as: ‘The Scourge from the North - The Iroquois on the March’ serve as concise yet exciting titles, informing the reader of what to expect whilst simultaneously providing them with an incentive to read on.

Pictures are used to great effect throughout the piece. The AAR makes use of in-game screenshots as well as externally sourced images. Both are effective aids for the reader, providing a mix of information regarding both the campaign and the time period. However, one source of niggling inconsistency was the fact the in-game images were all left-aligned, whilst the sourced images were all centre-aligned. A piece of advice I would offer is to perhaps have all the images aligned in the same direction. In regards to the in-game images, the author has presented them unedited. To achieve an even greater sense of immersion, a cropping of the UI might be beneficial.

As mentioned above, the prose is wonderful to read. The author gives us a taste of his flair for writing in the opening lines: ‘Louisiana was no nation. Like other nations, though, she had a unique societal make-up taking from the most extreme aspects of French gentility, English ambition, Spanish seafaring, African vivacity and a touch of Native American livelihood’. This quality is maintained throughout the rest of the piece. The prose is both flowing and enjoyable, whilst all the while continuing to inform. One of my favourite aspects of the writing is the inclusion of sporadic French terminology, such as ‘conceil’ and ‘coureurs des bois’, which really contributes to the level of immersion in the piece. It is abundantly clear that the author has put a lot of effort into crafting masterly prose and it’s a struggle for any critic to find many errors in the grammatical department. The author has a tendency to begin sentences with conjunctions, which is an admittedly personal peeve, but otherwise the piece reads beautifully.

All in all, this AAR has got off to a flying start. A People, but a Nation fearlessly tackles an original idea, whilst clothing it in the twin-set tuxedo of masterly prose and aesthetic presentation. With few problems holding it back, it looks like the only way is up for this AAR. The author has made a fantastic first venture into the world of AARtistry and I’d advise you to join me in accompanying him on this exciting new adventure.

Review by f0ma

The Astray Apprentice
A Skyrim AAR by Swaeft

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

From the author who changed Sicily’s fate with steel and heart, comes The Astray Apprentice, a Skyrim AAR with intrigue, well developed characters and plot twists that will leave you amazed for days after. So come one, come all and delve into the beautiful, stunning world of Skyrim.

Synopsis

The Astray Apprentice follows a girl by the name of Vaela. The story starts just after Vaela and her master are separated. Vaela is forced to wander the dangerous forests and icy plains of Skyrim by herself, in a vain hope that she may one day find her master. The story then follows her as she makes friends and enemies, explores the dungeons of Skyrim and fights endless Thalmor scum.

Writing

This AAR exhibits some absolutely great writing, worthy of any book I've read (And I've read a few!). The author’s writing leaves a crystal clear image of the scene he is describing and the writing is nothing but exemplary. Take the example below:

The harsh, biting cold made Vaela shiver. The freezing, scathing winds grazed her face, and she trembled from the bitter contact. However, she made no effort to put on her hood. She could still bear the effects of the elements for now. Instead, she stood near the camp fire in her novice robes and tried her best to read the book her Master had given her, eyes twitching every now and then in annoyance.

As you can see above, the author’s choice of words leaves a clear impression of the scene in your head, immersing you in the story even more.

The author also is more than adept at creating interesting and intriguing plots. With a game like Skyrim, one may accidentally end up repeating the game’s own quests and side quests. The author, Swaeft, manages to hide the game’s stories really well. In fact, at one point, I was unaware that in fact the adventure that the character was in was one of the main quests of the game. It is this ability, to create interesting plots, that makes this story one to follow.

Swaeft is also great at creating characters. From one-time companions to long-term characters, Swaeft evokes an emotion for all of them. This AAR is just over twenty chapters in and already I feel the main character’s pain and also her joy. The other side-characters are all well fleshed out with well-thought back stories and the detail the author has put into them only adds to the immersion in the story.
Take Sonje for example, Vaela’s senior (senior meaning temporary master). At first she appears to be simply Vaela’s teacher yet slowly her backstory as well as her thoughts and emotions become clear. A tragic love story thus unfolds and one that leaves a deep impression on the reader. Definitely a sign that the author has put in lots of time an effort into their characters.

Pictures

Harnessing the graphics of Skyrim is easy, yet Swaeft’s pictures never feel dull or boring. Some of the pictures are truly breath-taking. Take these two:

The pictures themselves are beautifully taken and help immensely in setting mood and atmosphere. This AAR also includes lots of them yet still they never get boring. Swaeft’s picture taking is an example that should be followed by most AARtists (including myself!).

Critique

There isn't much to correct in this story. Sometimes the grammar and spelling is a bit off, but those times are few and far between. Maybe a list of characters on the opening post would be helpful. I also would suggest either enlarging the text or adding extra text breaks and paragraph breaks as sometimes it appears rather like a wall of text. This though only a layout problem.

A possible suggestion for the author would be to fully utilize the third-person perspective. Maybe Swaeft should consider writing a chapter that focuses on a different character completely. For example a chapter could feature a cunning and scheming Jarl that has taken notice to Vaela and decides to do something about. Of course it doesn't have to follow that, but anything along the lines of a different character's perspective would definitely add more intrigue into the plot.

Conclusion

This AAR has a lot of potential to become something great. Its well-written chapters, combined with the well-taken pictures, make it one that one must follow.

Review by Merchant of Venice

A Catholic World: The Path of a Frenchman
A SS6.4 AAR by Kerdic

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

There seems to be a genre of AARs, where the main character is a mass murderer. He is usually delusional, believing his cause is just and good and his opponents are vile monsters. With this justification, he sets out to wipe out every army and exterminate every city on his way. The main character in “I am Skantarios” by Skantarios comes to my mind. Sometimes the protagonist even enjoys this mindless slaughter, as is the case in Skantarios’s other AAR, “Pagan Vengeance”. But I am not going to be focusing on his AARs here. Instead I am reviewing the AAR “A Catholic world”, where the main character is a mix of the above two examples.

As it is, the focus of the AAR is in wars of faith. Guion Capet starts out as a young boy under the guidance of a mentor, and as time passes and his close ones die, he ascends to the throne and turns ever more murderous, earning monikers like “merciless” and “malevolent” in the process. However, not much else of the main characters personality is explored, and he remains a bloodthirsty killer, who slaughters entire populations for simple misfortunes. The selection of other characters is small as well, with the main characters mentor making the most appearances. Many other minor characters appear in the different chapters, and are left out in the coming ones. The plot itself is straightforward as well: The young king mounts on a crusade to the holy land, just after dealing with an English attack, growing ever more merciless and deluded on the way. The main character rarely interacts with anyone on the way, and mainly just kills people until dying. So it is pretty much like pushing a toy car to a downslide: when the slide stops, the movement will do so as well soon after.

As an extra, the writer announced the use of house rules at the start of the AAR, mainly to avoid fighting other Catholics if not excommunicated, and to obey the word of the pope. The survival of the Crusader states faction and the pureness of the French noble blood have also put at high priority. Narration is done mostly in the third person. The exception comes in the introduction chapter, and the very last chapter, where an in game character describes the situation in the faction and the world. An additional plus comes from these “info pack” where in detail information is given of the game characters (but since most of them make no or little appearance in the AAR itself, these are of not much importance). As of visuals, the images in the beginning suffer from lack of cropping, but the artist fixes this a bit later for most images.

Overall, this AAR could have had potential, if the writer had explored it more. If the AAR had had more explanation regarding Guions own personal relations with others, or the court discussions back in France, the story could have been more interesting. Besides that, many of the pictures were really nice looking (my favourite one is the first one of the images in this review) and intro and outro were interesting too. The AAR had also been left cruelly short, which might be because the writer forgot or choose not to record his gameplay after the second last chapter. The objective of the AAR seems to have been finished though, which was to expand the catholic world. Yet I still did not like the fact that several decades of time were left unrecorded, as the fight against Mongols would have been suitably epic to follow.

Review by The Kybrothilian

Sons of Achilles
An EB AAR by christophoros

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

A nice visual depiction of Greek hoplites, of the era

Introduction

Hello, fellow Quill writers and readers. In this issue, I bring to you a preview/review of a beautifully crafted AAR, from the outset, by a long time member, and aspiring AARtist, christophoros.

Christophoros brings his astute knowledge of history in the ancient era, particularly that of Epirus, in the time of Pyrrhus, one of the most controversial leaders of the ancient era. Christophoros ensures that the story of Epirus shall be told, or retold. Perhaps even the reverse of what the controversial king's ultimately known for...

In his second attempt at an Epirus AAR (the first being in 2011), with the mysterious abandonment of his first AAR, we hope this one shall thrive and stand the test of time, to make it to the annals of our mighty 'Finished AARs Index'!

Story

This story, unlike the first attempted AAR of the same faction (just in a separate time period), sees Epirus under the command of one king that indeed made this kingdom a threat, during the trying times of Rome's struggling rise as a threat on a global scale, in the 3rd century BCE.

During this difficult time, with no true superpower in the Mediterranean region, the shift of power over the entire known world was up for grabs by whoever pursued it and succeeded in subduing their rivals. Rivalries were aplenty, during this time period and Epirus was just another kingdom vying for control of not just Ancient Greece, but superiority over the Mediterranean, which until this time period, had not yet been accomplished by any of these mighty factional giants, or their predecessors.

Epirus is but another Greek faction attempting to conquer and unite the country as a whole, another hopeful for the ultimate dream of the regional powers. With the enduring threat of mighty Macedon, and the struggling of ancient powers of Athens, Sparta, and the other Greek city states, the combative Diadochi in the east, and the epic struggle in the west between mighty Carthage and honourable Rome, this period is rife with conflict, which can turn against Epirus and its mighty king, Pyrrhus, at any time!

We shall see this unfold, as we get deep into the action early on, as Pyrrhus is already keen to establish his own allies' power, to embolden his own stance, later on. The true test of establishment, will lay with the ability to play the diplomatic game of wits and connivance, for better or worse. In his epic struggle with Macedon, Pyrrhus will assert his authority and self-proclaimed divine right to rule, bestowed upon him by the gods and his proclaimed ascendance from the line of Alexander the Great.

The dream of glory and reestablishment of a unified Greek empire ways heavy on his decision to endure hardship and inevitable war, as he intends to carve out his own mark on the immense stone of history. Will he succeed? Follow this AAR and find out.

Writing and presentation

The Aiakidai from Aiakos to Pyrrhos the Great

The simplicity of a well-constructed family tree, of King Pyrrhus' ancestry, dating back as far as to his loose ties to the Greek God, Zeus, was quite a unique addition to this AAR. It is no easy task to compile family trees, for AARs, or any form of writing, and it is a commendable effort on behalf of the author for going to such length. By providing such an extensive ancestry, the author divulges to you the status and assumption, in which many Greek rulers of old often believe themselves personal descendants of the Greek gods. Albeit true, or not, it gives you a sense of their personal entitlement to rule all Greeks and lesser ~~Gree~~ people, and only emboldens their aggressive nature for expansionism.

Descriptively, the story is well written, with sufficient background knowledge of the story being provided. This is a necessity, as not every reader can be expected to have a grasp of the knowledge of the era. The author is prolifically adept at history, in this era, and I imagine he will continue to display his vast abundance of knowledge, as the story progresses.

An interestingly presented visual of legendary Sparta

A great visual insight into some of the characters and some traits to describe them, in depth

The story has some beautiful visuals, which only complement the intriguing story, which is masterfully written. Seeing some more visuals would only benefit the story, as the author has a firm grasp on how to display this important aspect of the overall process of storytelling. Perhaps when the action really starts we will see some entertaining battle depictions, as the choice selection thus far has been perfect.

Critique

The dialogue and punctuation to go with it is good, however, I noticed in one or two instances the author double defines who the speaker is, which isn't necessarily needed. Just a small thing, though.

There could have been some more courtesy in paragraph usage, where it seems applicable early on, when ideas change, or newer ideas are being brought up.

I was a huge fan of the family tree. I believe that it was meticulously designed for acute accuracy. The presentation was nicely done, however, it still lacks direct clarity, and ease of read. An actual tree design for it could have put it into easier perspective, so as to see changes in the ancestral line, which can be difficult to tell based on the current form.

Perhaps a more picturesque presentation would be visually entertaining, on top of the well-crafted story line being presented in written form. I think the map presentation, late in chapter two, could have been better. It's difficult to tell more specifics on the region controlled, as well as perhaps some identification of the neighbouring factions. With a little bit of Photoshop (or Corel paint even), the presentation of the map could have been a little better.

I'm a little on the fence about the author explaining what his personal goals are for the AAR, and where he is taking it. I think this could better be demonstrated in game, where we must follow it closely to see the changes and direction in which the overall story will be heading, rather than getting a rough idea from out of character information. I think divulging of the story would be far better from an in character perspective, where we will actually be surprised, without having an idea whether it will succeed or not.

Conclusion

Living a life rife with drama, heroism, conflict, and connivance, Pyrrhus of Epirus was a truly iconic, yet tragic historical figure. Known for the term, 'Pyrrhic victory', Pyrrhus has claimed a numerable amount of victories in his lifetime, yet often at the expense of large swathes of forces under his command. Had not been for his powerful friendships with the crowns of Macedon and Egypt - Pyrrhus would have faded into the annals of history with perhaps only the distinction of being the namesake of a resulting tragic defeat. Only time will tell if Pyrrhus will rise or fall; establishing a conquering dynasty, like that of Alexander's, or a failing dynasty like that of Darius' Persia.

The author has put the AAR on hold, temporarily, as he deals with real life. However, he has indeed recently reaffirmed his desire to continue the AAR, when time permits itself. This summer, expect this AAR to pick up from where it was beautifully left off!

Review by Dance

Creative Writing Reviews

Histories of a Boy Soldier
A Creative Writing Story by Dance

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

War is cruel. We all know that. The cruelty and terror of it is easier to feel if you have heard the deafening sound of a rifle firing not so far from you, or if you have had a near death experience in which death had been an imminent reality.

When it comes to writing however, it is definitely not an easy task to formulate such a surge of emotions into mere words. What more startling way is there to manifest that cruelty, other than putting it in contrast which the innocence of a child? I suspect none.

'Histories of a Boy Solider' is the story of a young boy, Abel, who is hurtled into war against his will — at least at first — and has his hobbies replaced by talk of war. We follow his story, as he, driven on by the icons he idolizes, grows used to violence, and struggles to adapt to the sudden change in his life. We watch cruelty being instilled in him, replacing his childhood naïveté, as he comes to understand that rising through the ranks of a military organization more often than not requires harsh methods.

Plot and Storytelling

The story is set during the events of the civil war in Sierra Leone. When writing historical fiction, paying heed to the historical events can make the story all the more interesting. At the same time the story can deliver a considerable amount of knowledge on the historical period. The writer, true to his word, has been careful to uphold to the historical accuracy of his writings and has tried to stick to actual events from the period. That is certainly a boon for those keen on the detail.

One of the pros of following the events of war alongside a young and inexperienced soldier is the closer perspective it gives the reader. Of course, having the events of war described through the perspective of a renowned commander or the view of more important figures has its own charms, but the writer obviously isn't after depicting battle after battle of the war to repeat the history. Instead, he focuses on the details of the war, and on a single person and his surroundings. This has helped to better show the true face of war — particularly one as brutal as the one in question. Under the author's pen, the deaths of soldiers aren’t just statistics. They become the tragic ends of boys who should be spending their times playing had they been born in another time.

Harsh circumstances require harsh methods, and Abel, being the ambitious boy he is, is quick to learn. As we read the story, we see how Abel is driven by his ambitions, and how his character hardens over time. He goes from a boy to a solemn and determined young man, and if he ever has doubts and second-guesses, he knows better than to show them. The writer goes to great lengths to show him as a hard and down-to-business boy who doesn't hesitate to show his authority.

In the process of doing so however, sometimes you feel that the writer gets carried away in showing the warrior in him. Consequently there is sometimes a lack of attention on the feelings of the boy, making Abel seem more like a mindless machine than a young boy. This is more apparent in the beginning of the story — we are following a twelve year old boy through a dreadful lot, are we not? Watching through the eyes of a youngster as chaos hits his rather peaceful town, I expected to find the first chapters reeking of dread and anxiety. That is not the case. Rarely does the story explore the character's inner feelings, and that I think, is a missed opportunity. It is through moments of weakness, suffering and struggle that we could see the character's person. Perhaps the character is sweating, perhaps he is gasping for breath, or perhaps his heart is beating rapidly.

Consider for example this conversation between Abel and the Commander Caesar during their first meeting:

"My soldiers call you pinky. It's not often we run across a white outside of Freetown. But two, as I saw in your hold. Coincidence?” Caesar asked.
"Brothers." Abel replied.
"I see. How did you get caught up in this mess, boy?"
"Kidnapped, by your men." Abel said with no emotion.

By not stating for even a little how the boy is feeling inside, the author misses an opportunity to allow the reader to relate more deeply to the character. It makes it hard for readers to sense the grandeur of the commander, and to really grasp the bravado he's maintaining before the fearsome Caesar.

Such a change in one's life — from going to school one day and being forced into military the other — must be brutal even for an adaptable and determined childlike Abel. Perhaps it would be more natural for the boy to be worried sick about his family. Would he not at least every once in a while wonder how his family is faring; perhaps he thinks occasionally about his mother — or father — are coming to terms with the brothers' absence? The emotional depth in the story improves as the story goes on and we gradually get to know Abel better. Maybe a prologue would have been an effective way to introduce Abel's character before getting down to the story itself.

Nonetheless, the process through which Abel matures and grows from boy to man is beautifully depicted. The references to his childhood and his admiration of Alexander the Great later on neatly rationalizes his actions and the image he tries to project for himself in order to achieve his goals and command the respect of his comrades. The storytelling gets smoother as the story proceeds, and before long you find yourself entwined with the destiny of Abel. Unwittingly the reader comes to hope that he will be successful and praised by his superiors, even if he is acutely aware of the perilous path the boy progresses along, or the needless brutality he is capable of. The story becomes increasingly hard to put down, its immersion and thrill heightening with each passing chapter.

Another aspect worth highlighting is the depiction of battles. The ever-changing scenes and fast-paced action present in a battle are not easily brought to life with words, yet Dance does so with aplomb. In the fifteenth chapter for example, the reader could truly imagine being in the heat of battle. The images of the area and surroundings are well described and easily form images in the mind. Dance manages to show the cold reality of war by highlighting deaths on both sides, including important ones from previous chapters.

The development of the supporting characters is another positive aspect. Silas for example is distinctive and palpable, and stands out easily thanks to his unique physique and character. Remy is another good example of a character who, despite relatively few mentions, still manages to be easily distinguishable thanks to his playful nature. Other characters still have potential that is yet untapped. Musa and Solomon for example, despite consistent appearances in the story, remain difficult to differentiate. The description of physical appearances, or an easily noticeable catchphrase, could be low hanging fruit in this respect.

Writing

'Histories of a Boy Soldier' has now run for fifteen chapters, and there looks to be much more to come. Dance's writing is reminiscent of a good novel, with well thought-out dialogue and a good pace in the story. The narrative is smooth, and easy to read, its quality almost comparable to a professional writer.

At times however the good storytelling is let down by some sloppy sentences, punctuation, and occasional typos. Confusion of some words, e.g. 'their/they're', 'poor/pour', 'on/one', 'to/too', 'your/you're', and 'feint/faint' appear in various parts of the story. Missing punctuation and sudden changes between first and third person are another issue. Thankfully, these issues appear far less frequently in latter chapters. It is a shame to see simple mistakes smear the otherwise impressive writing, and even though proofreading a piece of this length is no easy task, doing so is typically well worth the effort. Leaving time between writing and proofreading sometimes helps to refresh the mind and improve accuracy.

Conclusion

The 'Histories of a Boy Soldier' is an immersive and engaging story, and a thrill to read. The quality of the writing improves continually as the story progresses, as does the storytelling. The plot is very promising and has the potential of a great epic. I myself am impatiently waiting for the next chapter. I'm sure many other readers are no different.

If you like a story of someone climbing through the ranks through endeavour and determination, you won't want to miss 'Histories of a Boy Soldier'.

Review by R-teen

**Robin de Bodemloze** · June 03, 2013, 11:01 AM

Article Section

Where Few Men Have Gone Before: Female Characters in AARs

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

By default, the very concept of total war is a masculine one, especially if connected to history. Up until recent times, the vast majority of the fighting was done by men. Total War as a genre mostly caters for male gamers, putting not only world domination but also battlefield skills in the center. Both of these focal points have a healthy dose of testosterone. This is not to say of course that women do not play Total War, in fact the Amazon mod is a good example of the opposite. Similarly, women are represented among the members of TWC as well, which can stir up the emotions when it comes to gender issues in the game (see this thread for the latest example). Nonetheless, for the purposes of this article the starting premise is that the game in general focuses on men, and that its unique extension, the After Action Reports are also mostly written and read by men.

This male-centric nature of the game provides considerable obstacles for adding female characters into AARs. The challenge is twofold. On the one hand, the writer has to consider the game's limitations: how female characters are portrayed and what roles can they play. On the other hand, the writer has to find a place for women in a typical AAR plot - which is constrained by how women were actually viewed in the historical periods represented in the game. Since one of the common Hollywood blunders is to retrospectively assign contemporary social roles to women in history, writers indeed face a major challenge when giving women significant roles, especially if they want to be authentic in their stories.

All four of the major TW periods/settings (Japanese, Medieval, Roman, Colonial) resemble each other in how warfare and general politics (represented by the campaign decisions in the game) favoured men as the fighting/ruling "class" and saw women mostly as non-combatants. The few examples of women behaving as combatants are either pure fantasy (the beloved screeching women) or too specific to a certain situation (Dahomey Amazons in Empire TW or the Onna Bushi in Shogun 2). Therefore, women tend to appear in AARs as either parts of the campaign information or largely made up characters in the plot.

The game does not allow female characters to become generals, thus they are represented through ancillaries and traits of male characters, especially in RTW and MTW2. These are almost exclusively designed to tweak fertility. In MTW2, there were princess agents that could acquire their own traits, but once the diplomatic abilities were exhausted, the main role of princesses was still related to fertility by allowing the player more freedom in managing the family tree. In Empire, the absolute ruler could be a queen with her own traits and ancillaries, but that was more removed from the actual action. These options would still make it possible to add female characters in AARs, albeit only indirectly. Ancillary concubines can be given minor roles in making or breaking the fortune of a male general, and princesses/queens can have their own life. However, most AARs tend to focus on male generals and rulers, partly because this is what the game promotes with its dynamics and partly because that is the normative narrative of the Total War universe.

Women of course were very important in every historical era, except not in the way how the game has been designed to be played to meet the victory conditions. Therefore the best examples for giving more central roles to women in AARs have been the plot heavy stories in which female characters are completely free of the game limitations.

Plot heavy AARs have the disadvantage of being already complex because the writer focuses on telling a story in the context of the actual campaign. In such works, traditional lead male characters would still take up most of the narrative space. While the author has the freedom to bring in the female characters in any way, this has to be done with little help from the campaign, which means that a whole new arc has to be created for female characters and then maintained independently from everything else. Since in most stories the action is revolving around the male characters, this could be a lot of extra work which may not be appreciated by the readers. As a result of this, female characters are usually put into stereotypical supportive roles. They could still have an important impact on the story but that is typically shown through the actions of the male protagonist.

I don't have to go far for an example for this. In my current AAR, The Wolf Among Dogs, the protagonist goes through a series of challenges to meet Sophie, the lady of his heart. The story is told in first person, which gives Sophie no room as a point of view character. All we know about her comes through the narrative of the protagonist who is reluctant to note much about her actual character. She is simply an example of court ladies in Frankish Greece in the 13th century.

Richard moved a bit, and as he did so I could see a woman standing on his right. It was no ordinary woman, but the angel that visited me many times in the Bulgarian dungeon, the woman I wanted to see more than anybody else. It was Sophie who I looked for in the past days but have not found, and who now stood suspiciously close to Richard of Arras.

This approach was chosen to paint a picture of an ordinary woman who helps moving the plot forward by pulling the protagonist from one danger to the next, but even if she gets close to him in the story she remains distant in the narrative (a deliberate choice because of the character of the protagonist).

A different approach was used in Robin de Bodemloze's recently completed Takeda AAR. The main female character in this story, Masako, has her own personality as opposed to being a more abstract example of a certain class of women. This is represented in more extensive dialogues and the frequent tension in the protagonist's actions when his warrior and clan duties conflict with Masako's own views. In addition, the source and inspiration for the character was more grounded in history. This made it possible to create a richer character and connect her to the protagonist in a more complex way, as explained by the author in the afterthoughts.

The name was inspired by one Hojo Masako - one of the most prominent women in Japanese history. The substance was inspired by not just a person, but a single unforgettable moment earlier on in life. A brief 20 minutes encapsulated everything I craved in life, and in turn everything Masako stood for.

These two AARs are examples for female characters that live in the shadow of the male protagonist, having an important impact on the plot but not taking over the narrative. However, on no account would an article on female AAR characters would be complete without mentioning the author who started it all and went the farthest in bringing in women for lead AAR roles: Thokran with Heaven's Descent, Cyprus Reborn: A Crusader AAR.

This AAR is unique in many ways, but mostly because of the unprecedented focus on female characters which Thokran seamlessly blends into the action plot. Technically this is two AARs put together, but the original part (the first dozen chapters) already had a strong female character: princess Yolande. After the "reboot" following a long hiatus, however, several female characters found themselves in central roles in the narrative. The protagonist is princess Marie who is traveling across the Mediterranean while the actual campaign is no more than a backdrop against which her adventures unfold. The plot revolves around her story, and the male characters are usually defined in relation to her. While this is unusual enough, she is not the only important woman in this AAR. We get to meet others, such as the Spanish beauty, Nicole, who becomes Marie's competitor.

As grateful as Marie was for Nicole saving Gilbert’s life, she really disliked her. There was something about her warm, affectionate manner and her blissful naiveté that made Marie immediately dislike the young brunette. Nicole looked like a savage dressed in leather hunting gear, absolutely unfitting for any lady. No matter how warm her smile was, she looked deplorable in Marie’s eyes.

As Gilbert spent the afternoon bathing in the pool, Nicole sought to join him…nude. She waded into the water and crept up on him, pressing her breasts against his back and running her hands across his strong arms. She had to know the truth, now that it nagged away at her incessantly. She also had to find out if she could be alright with such a thing if it indeed turned out to be true. She had to find out if there still remained any feelings between them.

Also, there is Isabella of Byzantine, a predatory and power-hungry plotter, one of the chief antagonists.

She paused momentarily, giving Laurence the moment he needed to get on his knees and beg for his life and Isabella unsheathed the sharp dagger she kept at her side at all times. She was moments away from plunging the dagger into her minster’s throat, before she abstained from the action and thought better of it.

She had let her emotions get the better of her, which greatly unsettled her. She was a Queen now; she could no longer act like a spoiled brat whenever she didn’t get her way. Still, the thought of Richard possibly having survived his watery death infuriated her. She had worked far too hard to get to where she was now, and the mere thought of Richard and his pathetic excuse of a wife having lived on to one day jeopardize her work set her into a frenzy. It took all that she had in her to calm down.

These women are not just extras, but well developed characters with conflicting motives and goals. Marie is the example of a royal lady who has some power but has to play by the rules and stay within certain boundaries even if she wanted to break free. Nicole is a woman not bound by such norms, a free spirit, sultry and affectionate. Isabella is the dominant, cold-hearted ice queen who never hesitates to do something if that benefits her. In some ways, these women also represent female types often found in male psyches: the "good girl" who has to go through a series of challenges and "comes of age" in the process, the strong and independent beauty who is still vulnerable deep inside, and the evil queen who we love to hate. Interestingly, they all had a character card at the beginning so they are not entirely made up, but their personalities are the products of the writer's craftsmanship.

Thokran has definitely been breaking new grounds with this story. Such dominance of female characters may be shocking to the average Total War player or AAR reader, but his work is not only a piece of masterful writing. It is also evidence of how women could appear in AARs without diminishing the excitement, drama and conflict. These AARs revolve more around individuals than empires, but somehow that is more authentic with respect to female roles for the time periods covered by the various total war titles. I enjoy reading a good battle scene as much as the next person and love seeing empires emerge and crumble, but I encourage the adventurous souls to experiment with giving women more (and more diverse) roles in AARs. I can guarantee that it will make you a better writer.

So step outside the box from time to time. Don't go too far to avoid running into Princess Leia or Lara Croft - that would be a very different Total War. And if Lady Macbeth approaches, well, be a man.

By Radzeer

Golden Spurs
Third place in the Winter 2013 Scriptorium Competition

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Journeying back through time (or very near to it), Heiro de Bodemloze takes us back to the era of chivalrous knights and absolute monarchies, in the late middle ages, during the Franco-Flemish Wars. The Battle of Golden Spurs, to be exact.

From the French perspective, we see this epic battle unfold from the eyes of Lord Robert II de Artois. Robert's commitment to the crown of France is unquestionable. Robert will settle for nothing but victory, as he boldly shows in the moments leading up to this important battle, fought to decide the autonomy of the County of Flanders in their rebellion against the French crown. The French noblemen, under Robert's command, had little respect for their Flemish adversaries, who they identified as simple farmers, farmhands, and peasants. Their overconfidence caused them to withdraw the infantry so that their cavalry may gain all the glory. The lack of thought in their battle plan was Robert's fatal flaw:

This underestimation led to their eventual downfall during the battle:

“It makes no matter. Our steel will smash their leather,” Robert said determinately. I cannot lose faith now, he decided, agreeing with himself.

“Go to your men,” Robert turned to the Clermonts and Simon de Melun. “And let us give these Flemish dogs a true taste of what comes with defying the might of France!” The men saluted him and spurred their horses to ride down the lines of mounted men.

“Forward!!” Robert cried with all his might whilst he had lowered the greathelm onto his head, narrowing his vision into the two thin slits. He saw the Flemish waiting. Lord Robert spurred his mount into action, hearing behind him the rumble of two thousand knights charging at his command. For glory and for God, he thought to himself.

Heiro's use of vocabulary in his story is commendable, and his use of synonyms adds a knowledgeable touch to the story-telling. Combine this with his use of detail in describing both the characters and the environment, and Heiro presents us a rich tale of a presumptuous knight and the overzealous cloud that has blinded his senses. We quickly learn of how his hearty ambition ends up getting the best of him.

Heiro's immense historical knowledge of the period is clearly demonstrated in this story. Using one quote that stood out to me; Heiro succinctly explains to the readers a little known tradition of the feudal caste:

“Aye, they are. We must pull them out soon.” Robert stared determinedly down at the plain. It was tradition that once the battle had been secured by the footmen, the lords, counts, knights and squires would come to do the killing blow.

So caught up in the dreams of his heroic victory, Robert failed to acknowledge that the cavalry was unprepared to meet their foe - on terrain that favoured the enemy no less. Heiro beautifully depicts the emotion Robert endured during the build-up to the climax of the battle. Robert dies, along with a thousand other noble cavalrymen, at the hands of the farmers with pitchforks...

So, while reading a very entertaining tale and actually learning something in the process, this short story makes for an informative and worthwhile read. Inspired by history, the battle is complemented by the author's meticulous attention to detail and faithfulness to the historical fineries, while giving an entertaining depiction of the final moments of Lord Robert II de Artois and his comrades. From the moment Robert convenes his command staff, until the moment a Flemish farmer's pole impales him, unexpectedly.

Aside from a few grammatical errors and a key spelling mistake, the story was near flawless. I also noticed that the author interchangeably refers to Robert II as; 'de Valois' and 'de Artois', throughout the story, which can cause confusion for readers, especially since Robert was a common name for the nobility during the Medieval period.

Overall, Heiro's story-telling has earned the respect of the community, and he rightly claims his second medal in the Scriptorium competitions. It is truly a spectacular tale and is just the type of short story I like to read - historically based. A worthy subject indeed, the tragic tale of a mighty feudal lord's dramatic and unfortunate demise.

By Dance

For My Lady
Second place in the Winter 2013 Scriptorium Competition

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Poetry, the oft forgotten and overlooked literary medium. Where the shelves of the Writer’s Study are stacked to the brim with weighty tomes of prose, it is indeed rare to encounter the quill of a fine poet. Fortunately for us, General Brewster has produced an exemplary work, earning him a much deserved second place in the most recent Scriptorium Competition.

His poem, entitled For My Lady, is a well-crafted piece detailing the relationship between two lovers. It is broken into two stanzas, the first three lines long and the second six. By doubling the length of the second stanza, the poet shifts much on the emphasis onto the shorter introductory section. The first three lines stand out and serve to grab the reader’s attention. The first stanza opens with a simple repetition of the words ‘Your name’, which immediately raises the pertinent question of just who the recipient of this poem might be. Whilst we are not told the name of this lady, we are presented with a number of delightful metaphors. ‘Your name is love’ invokes a powerful feeling in the audience, displaying in turn the writer’s emotions. Not only does he love his lady, but she is love to him, suggesting that the love he has for her is so all encompassing that he can love nothing else. This is something reinforced by the second line, which repeats the phrase ‘Your name’, whilst adding: ‘is the inscription on my heart.’ His heart thus has room for no one else.

The stanza ends with a double metaphor, where the author compares himself to the earth and his lover to the ‘rising sun.’ Here a semantic field of nature is introduced, which sets the tone for the second stanza. The use of the double metaphor begins to show the complexities of the relationship the two lovers have. By using the mundane earth to represent himself, the author accepts a position of inferiority to his lover’s magnificent rising sun. To take a broader view of the metaphor, she is essential to him, for his earth revolves around her. Yet, on the other hand, he is not essential to her. The simple metaphor employed here evokes a sense of pathos that becomes more apparent as the poem continues.

The poem does not use enjambment to bridge the gap between its two stanzas, but some of the themes in the first stanza are carried across the second. Most predominately is the continued repetition of the word ‘your’, which becomes almost a mantra for the author. We’re continually acquainted with the object of the author’s affections, but through her features and qualities, rather than her actual person. The continued use of ‘your’ instead of ‘you’ suggests that the poet is talking at her, rather than to her, which once more could show the inequality in their relationship.

The second theme that the author revisits in the final stanza is the aforementioned semantic field of nature. In the first four lines of the second stanza we encounter words such as ‘night’, ‘wind’, ‘rain’ and ‘sea’. The first three are all used as metaphors to describe the writer, whilst the fourth is not. This could be because the sea is often said to be dictated by the moon, which runs contrary to the previous metaphor of the sun used to describe his lover. The distinction is enforced in the writing by the fact that the sea’s jealousy is a form of personification rather than metaphor. This could be used to further show that nothing in the world can compare to the lady – not even such things so far removed as the sun and the sea –, which serves as a small reference to the writer’s opening statement that he can love nothing else but her.

The three metaphors of ‘night’, ‘wind’ and ‘rain’ are also very interesting in and of themselves. Here, they could be used to represent the seasons. Presented here in order, they could be used to show the progression of nature throughout the year. If we assume that the use of the word ‘sun’ implies summer in the first stanza, the use of ‘night’ in the next line could refer to the Summer Solstice – Midsummer’s Night. ‘Wind’ could then represent the autumnal period, whilst ‘rain’ might refer to the winter. Like the earth revolving around the sun, this extended conceit highlights the cyclical nature of their relationship. As he did when he compared himself to the earth, the author once more takes on the negative qualities of ‘night’, ‘wind’ and ‘rain’, opposing himself to the beautiful ‘smile’, ‘hair’ and ‘skin’ of his lady; further showing the divide between them.

Whilst the twin patterns of the repetition of ‘your’ and the semantic field of nature are prevalent in the second stanza, lines six and seven introduces a new repetitions; that of ‘let me be’. By using the imperative ‘let’, the poet yearns for his lover’s permission to be with her. This is interesting, because it is used during the part of the poem where the aforementioned semantic field turns to the autumn and winter months. It is in this dark period that the poet could no longer bear to be apart from his lover, begging her to come back to him.

It is, however, in the last two lines where the poet breaks many of his previously used conventions. Firstly, we notice that the word ‘your’ is no longer used, being replaced instead by the word ‘you’. This highlights a new parity in their relationship, where the author is now speaking to his lady, instead of at her. Secondly, we see the semantic field change once again, as the sun is re-introduced. This could be seen to represent the arrival of spring and the end of the dark winter months. However, this time around the metaphor of the sun is used in relation to the author, rather than his lover. Although the use of the imperative ‘let’ is still used when the author requests of his lover: ‘let me be the sun’, we do see a change. Whilst he still might feel inferior to the lady, with the arrival of spring, he has a new found confidence, comparing himself now to the sun instead of the earth. The pattern of their relationship has been broken and a greater parity is achieved between the two lovers. This is echoed in the final line, where the poet requests of the lady her hand in marriage.

The poem, in my eyes at least, is a reflection thus on many of the complications in a relationship. The author feels inferior to his lady; continually employing self-deprecating metaphors, whilst simultaneously asking for her permission in all things, as if he himself is unworthy to make his own decisions. The use of a semantic field of nature shows the ups and downs of the relationship, where the bright imagery of the sun highlights the peaks of their love and the bleak winds and rains the troughs. Unable to go through this repetition no more, the author finally breaks the cycle, instilling in himself confidence for the first time; as equal partners in marriage, he will no longer feel unworthy of his lover.

In this short and simple poem, General Brewster has taught us a lot about what it’s like to love and be loved; providing us both with an insight into his own heart and with a commendable solution to a problem I’m sure many of us are familiar with.

By f0ma

Sands of Britannia
First place in the Winter 2013 Scriptorium Competition

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Here we have an excellent piece by Inarus on the earliest Roman invasion of Britain from the perspective of a soldier of Caesar's renowned Tenth Legion. Immediately, readers are almost taken unawares by the up and personal feel of the story. There are no pictorial illustrations, but one won't need to read far to realize why they aren't needed. Inarus' fantastic use of imagery and passionate expression conveys the depth and breadth of the protagonist's perspective. We can almost feel the chill of the Channel waters as the aquilifer descends from the boat, gazing up at the white cliffs of Dover and a vast barbarian host.

Following a riveting introduction that immerses readers in the story, the author moves from concrete diction to a more narrative variety. Here, we see the use of the historical source material, Caesar's account of the Gallic Wars, contextualized within the hindsight of the protagonist. The fact that the author is able to maintain both the historical and fictional threads of this tale as harmoniously intertwined is, I believe, a mark of great skill. The author keeps the story moving, describing the withdrawal and re-concentration of the Roman fleet as they attempt to secure a beachhead.

Inarus' alteration between the abstraction of the historical narrative and the material thoughts, feelings, and conversations of the protagonist ensures that readers who may not have a viable grasp of the period in which the story takes place will still have no trouble following and understanding the story as it progresses. The author captures his main character's persona expertly as our legionary describes the Roman assault on the beaches. Readers are fully aware of not just the protagonist, but the sentiments of his comrades, their physical condition, and any eagerness or reservations they might have about confronting the enemy. We can almost witness first-hand the skirmishing on the sandy beaches between the two forces; the cries of wounded men, shouts of officers, and onset of the fog of war.

Soon, the protagonist plunges into the icy water, and one almost shivers with him thanks to the author's unfailing ability to illustrate his description. Inarus also seems to possess a knack for weaving into his story a real-time account of tactics and developments within the battle which I found thoroughly enjoyable as an armchair general of sorts. As the legions secure a foothold on the beach, readers are treated to a first-hand view of the way in which Roman pilae maim and disrupt the undisciplined barbarian chariots.

A Centurion, the main character leads with the courage and decisiveness expected of him. As he guides his men, readers gain insight into his every thought and action at the battle's crucial stages. The veteran legionary closes in combat with the foe, and again we are not left wanting for details. The Romans close in formation with characteristic precision as chariots race wildly about. Our brave centurion claims an enemy life before disembowelling a horse to take down a chariot.

Throughout the battle, the author's effective use of historical context and expert storytelling gives the battle a more graphic feel than it seems pictures ever could. We feel the rush of battle, see the horrific carnage, witness the chaos of battle, and hear the sounds of clashing swords and dying men. The Romans appear to buckle under a fierce barbarian charge, but then regroup and counter-charge. Roman artillery tear into the enemy, and the fearsome steel of the Roman gladius is described with chilling effect. In final climax, the barbarians retreat and the protagonist plants the Eagle in the sand, naturally bringing the intended emotions and gritty anatomy of the story to conclusion; a skilfully constructed ending to a skilfully constructed tale.

Given that the fierce engagement on the beach is the focus of the story, I think it is safe to say that the account is by no means lacking in the power of its passionate imagery. Add to this an effective fidelity to the historical narrative, relevant dialogue, and full character development, and it's no wonder Inarus' work here took first place. If I were to divulge any reservations with regard to the story itself, I can only blame my greedy appetite. The author gives excellent preliminary explanations of the battle's intended course and Roman aims in the contest. However, as the battle progresses, it seems readers are told less and less about the overall tactical developments in the battle that were undoubtedly key to Roman victory. Yet, I realize the context of the story is bound within the protagonist's first-hand experiences, so perhaps my desires are unwarranted.

I would heartily recommend this to anyone who enjoys a good story, let alone those interested in classical history or Roman military campaigns. The excellent attention to descriptive and narrative detail speaks for itself. I, for one, found myself thoroughly interested in the protagonist as a character, not just his relationship to the story. Here we have a Centurion of the Tenth Legion; a veteran among veterans. As such, his loyalty, discipline and courage are implicit to his personage, yet the author succeeds in giving readers an active perspective of this personage that enriches and drives the story. In addition, our Centurion speaks with solid detail about his emotions and physical feelings before, during, and after the battle. This provides readers with a tantalizingly tangible human element that I myself have found difficult to capture when writing historical fiction. For that, I applaud Inarus for his expertise and skill. In combination of all factors concerned, this story delivers the full package of accuracy, imagery, organization, and just plain great storytelling. “The Sands of Britannia” is not just a story. It is art.

By Legio_Italica

Scipio: The Bane of Carthage
Librarian's Choice in the Winter 2013 Scriptorium Competition

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Originally Posted by Dance

Scipio crouched down, and swiped his hand across the rough grains of dirt, on the flat plains of Zama. He gathered a handful of the grains, and opened his hand. The grains fell, carried a short distance by the gusting wind. It was an unusually cool breeze under the beating African sun.

It is with such elegance that Dance starts to unfold his tale of the Battle of Zama. Thanks to him keeping the cinematic descriptions like this up until the closing of the story, the reader can almost feel the drops of African-sun-ridden sweat running down his temples, and imagine his toes digging through the smooth sands. Hidden among the narrative of the story, you may fall unknowingly to the same hidden portal to the continent of Africa that I fell into.

An opening like this can guarantee a writer that whoever starts to read their creation, will keep on reading until the very last word. The short paragraphs are easy to read and readily illustrate the scenario at hand —a promising recipe to which Dance sticks, successfully, throughout the story.

We’re following a proud Scipio as he prepares to begin the battle that closed the book of the second Punic wars. Protagonist, the serious, determined and wilful Scipio is keen on putting an end to the war and grasping that glory which is tied to defeating the renowned Hannibal Barca himself. The balance between the words spent on deepening the character of Scipio and progressing the story, is stricken in a charming fashion. Wanting to describe the events of the two days prior to the battle, the writer knows which parts of the story to describe, and which parts to skip.

As the writer allows us a small sneak peek or two into the thoughts of Scipio, we can have a glimpse at his worries and that makes appreciating the stalwart character's unwavering confidence all the more easy. As he wonders whether his Numidian allies would make it in time or not, and contemplates the different aftermath of the battle should either of the outcomes occur, you can see how remarkable a job of characterizing Dance has done in such a short few paragraphs. The mention of his history of rather brief encounters with Hannibal in previous battles—which were one-sided due to him being a mere soldier and Hannibal being the general he is—beautifully builds up for the key part of the story, that being the dialogue of Scipio and Hannibal. The sharp-witted general’s dialogue is truly a thrill to read and aptly combines the stressful situation he faces, and the snappy character to which readers can easy to relate to.

When writing short pieces, the writer must be wary of his each and every sentence, as even single words alone play a large role in determining the quality of the story. The amount of effort, care and time put into perfecting each sentence is obvious in every paragraph of this story. The smooth flow of words, the efficient use of punctuation, and the almost non-existence of spelling errors make it hard not to appreciate the easy read it offers.

Dance gives the story a subtle touch by keeping the result of the battle undisclosed. I can imagine the first thing such a reader would do upon finishing the last sentence, is to look up the result of the Battle of Zama. It makes the reader wonder, did the Numidians arrive in time? Was Scipio’s boldness unwarranted? Or was the self-assurance of Hannibal a façade, soon to vanish?

That is what the writing of Dance does to you. It enthrals you with a fascinating start, and leaves you hanging off the cliff, the only way out of which is to refer to historical sources for more information regarding the battle. Should you enjoy a good historical fiction, coupled with graphical descriptions that blur the firm line between words and pictures, along with a show of great writing skills and the art of character developing, you would never want to miss Scipio: The Bane of Carthage.

By R-teen

Closing Words

I hope you have found this edition of the Critic's Quill a worthwhile and enjoyable read. I would like to give thanks to all of my staff for their efforts - Radzeer, Dance, Merchant of Venice, The Kybrothilian, Dude with the Food, f0ma, Legio_Italica and R-teen. Particular thanks must go to Dance - who penned no less than four pieces for this edition, as well as f0ma and R-teen who both contributed two in their début edition.

If you enjoyed the staff's efforts please leave your comments in this thread - and rep the authors generously. If you are interested in contributing to future editions of the Quill please get in touch via PM.

Until next time,

Robin de Bodemloze
Editor

If you find yourself at a loose end, then why not consider sampling some of the TWC publications or creative forums. It's easy, just click through the picture!

**~~The Kybrothilian~~** · June 03, 2013, 12:35 PM

Nice job everyone.

**Radzeer** · June 03, 2013, 12:57 PM

Well done everybody, and special kudos to our new writers and of course the new chief!

**Lord Thesaurian** · June 03, 2013, 01:51 PM

Cheers Great work everybody

**Merchant of Venice** · June 03, 2013, 05:09 PM

Well done everybody and congrats to Robin for his first issue as chief. Kudos to Radzeer for his magnificient article on female characters

**R-teen** · June 03, 2013, 06:19 PM

Congratulation guys

Well done.

**Confederate Jeb** · June 03, 2013, 09:18 PM

Awesome job guys.

**Shankbot de Bodemloze** · June 05, 2013, 05:01 PM

Can't wait to read this.

Great to see it back out, and with a host of new writers! As well as a new man at the helm.

**Swaeft** · June 07, 2013, 11:03 PM

Now this is fantastic! I really enjoyed reading the articles here...maybe I should spend more time reading up on the previous issues...there are just so much knowledge and tales here! On another note, thank you for your exceedingly generous review of my AAR, Merchant. I will most certainly take note of your points, but to avoid spamming here I shall answer you in my AAR thread. Great work for whoever did this, really magnificent!

**Chirurgeon** · June 11, 2013, 11:19 AM

wow great job and good to see a non-twaar making the reviews

**Shankbot de Bodemloze** · June 15, 2013, 06:28 AM

Yeah a great selection of articles/reviews here guys, I really enjoyed the news format for the TotW as well - great job done there.

Hopefully the new writers enjoyed writing the issue as much as I enjoyed reading it, and hopefully they might even grace us with a next edition.

**Ussaid the Hashshashin** · July 11, 2013, 11:41 AM

When will the next issue be up?

**Robin de Bodemloze** · July 13, 2013, 10:35 AM

It depends on when everything gets done, but in general we're aiming for an issue every 2 months or so.

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