Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 1 2
Results 21 to 38 of 38

Thread: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Prologue 08/22/2013)

  1. #21
    Tigellinus's Avatar Content Staff
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    New Zealand: Auckland
    Posts
    1,425
    Tournaments Joined
    0
    Tournaments Won
    0

    Default Re: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Chapter 3 20130216)

    Quote Originally Posted by Agent Miles View Post
    Look, when a dietician tells you how to eat a healthier diet, he doesn't mean just do this before you come to see the dietician. If you want to learn to communicate effectively in writing, then practice the lessons all the time. If you don't care what your posts look like, then why should anyone else?
    Hey Miles, I want to apologize for my above post. It was childish and out of order.

    Thanks

    Tigellinus

  2. #22
    Anduril248's Avatar Aquilifer
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Rapid City South Dakota
    Posts
    347
    Tournaments Joined
    0
    Tournaments Won
    0

    Default Re: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Chapter 3 20130216)

    on another not while editing my second chapter i became utterly annoyed at myself and run-on sentence, though gabriolla font, is small like my hand writing and is a little hard to edit...
    EDIT: Chapters 1-3 are edited edited most of chapter 4 finishing off the chapter and i should be posting later today.
    Last edited by Anduril248; February 23, 2013 at 02:12 PM.
    Of Blades and Bows, CW PROJECT
    "The most incomprehenisble thing about the universe that it is comprehensible"-Albert Einestine

  3. #23
    Audacia's Avatar Give Life Back to Music
    Content Emeritus

    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    1,951
    Tournaments Joined
    0
    Tournaments Won
    0

    Default Re: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Chapter 3 20130216)

    I look forward to the changes being made. I'm sure I will enjoy them!

    Under the patronage of Inkie Pie: Text Editor for The Great War
    Roma Surrectum II





  4. #24
    Anduril248's Avatar Aquilifer
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Rapid City South Dakota
    Posts
    347
    Tournaments Joined
    0
    Tournaments Won
    0

    Default Re: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Chapter 3 20130216)

    Chapter 4
    It is odd now, after so many battles so much death. That now I look back and see myself young, and wanting to prove myself. There are few terrors like your first battle and military campaign. This was mine the conquest of Emerald Isles. I truly lost belief in the idea of god, especially on the battlefield where lives are cast away needlessly and endlessly.

    It was the year of our lord 1228, at the Castle of Winchester. The land had greatly stabilized under the reign of King Henry III. This was backed by wise leaders in his kingdom, as it did enjoy a surplus in the last years, which lead to increased tensions with the Kingdom of Scotland to the north. Scotland’s King fearing that King Henry III, who had not committed to open warfare since his time as Prince, would turn the armies of his kingdom upon Scotland. The Scots did the unthinkable they blockaded the city of London. King Henry’s response was swift declaration of war.

    I had specific duties to the Duke of Winchester, Duke Gottfried Waldemar. Gottfried after my return from the academy, created the Office of the Winchester Expeditionary Combat Force. He placed me as the office head. Gottfried divided his force into what was required to defend Winchester, and all other forces were mine to organize train and equip. I was given command of four-thousand five-hundred and forty men which consists of two-hundred and forty Knights, four-hundred Medium Cavalry, four-hundred Light Cavalry, one thousand Longbowmen, and two thousand five-hundred infantry. I first had to organize this force I divided the cavalry companies into companies of forty men, the longbowmen were divided in hundred man companies, and the infantry into one hundred and twenty-five man companies. There are a total of six knight companies, ten medium cavalry companies, 10 light cavalry companies, ten longbowmen companies, and twenty infantry companies. As it is costly to maintain such a large active force I enacted active and reserve units. There are only a certain number of units active at one time, each of the cavalry strata have two units active at any given time. The longbowmen have four units active at any given time. While infantry also have four companies active at one time. The force immediately available for any combat tasking is 1140 men. Each unit is active for three cycles of the moon. Once the cycles have passed, the active units are stood down and new active units are activated to relieve them. I focus on combat training, and formation training, this has developed this force into a semi-professional force. The cost of maintaining the force is only fragment of the budget allocated to me at the time. Thus with the surplus funds I had two buildings built, a barracks and armory that handle the full force available at once, and house all the armor designated for the warriors.

    It was sudden it was spring when Gottfried visited me suddenly and without warning he was dressed in fairly formal wear, his tunic was ornate to show off his status as a Duke. His expression was truly puzzling; his usually bright and sharp eyes were dim and cold. My office in the castle was simple, my desk in the center with several book shelves and two displays with shield with a painted coat of arms and two swords behind it. I kept my armor, on a stand in a corner of the room. The armor had consisted leather jerkin and trousers, medium mail which hung just past my knees, a surcoat of leather with some iron plates weaved into it, plate bracers, and plate greaves. As he entered I immediately stood up from my desk and bowed.

    “My Lord, welcome to my office, how may I be of service?” I asked with a surprised tone
    “There has been a call to arms, directly from the King, he bid all lords to gather in York for a counterstrike on the scots,” said Gottfried whose expression completely deadpanned, “Are we ready?”

    “Currently I have one thousand one-hundred and forty men currently active, they are ready to deploy on a moment’s notice,” I said then I broke down the way I divided my force after that explanation, “I can call up another three thousand four hundred combat ready men, and maybe another thousand or two conscripts, so what happened that is so pressing?”

    “The King finally has decided to marshal an army to deal with the Scots. We are to build our army in York,” said Gottfried, “I will take the force we currently have, I want you to call the rest of our force, and then send the bulk, keep one thousand, and raise another one thousand.”

    “As you command, my lord,” I responded, “the standing force will be ready to deploy by dawn, and the messengers will be sent out, the bulk of the force should be leaving here within two months, I will arrive with the remaining force in about five to six months from when the bulk should leave.”

    “Good, I am taking my leave, Caelian,” said Gottfried as he quickly left the office, my adjunct, a man by the name of Joshua Greystark, who served as my squire until achieving knighthood some six months ago, entered my office. He was wearing the black velvet uniform trimmed silver cloth, with black leather boots. That I made standard among the commanders. The one I gave to my patron and for me was gold lined. The symbol for the office was a gold pin formed in the shape of wing. The commanders were authorized to wear a pin with their coat of arms. The rest of the rabble was given black leather uniforms instead.

    “Lord Greystark, we are in a war time situation, recall all units, and conscript a thousand recruits,” I said calmly, “The messengers need to leave immediately. I want all combat forces ready within three weeks including the conscripts.”

    The castle erupted in activity, a single alarm bell rung out, alerting those who were in Winchester proper to return to the castle immediately and that something had happened. The commands of the Duke had been passed to the soldiers, through their commanders. I prepared the baggage train, that would support the army until it arrived in York, anything it could need I had prepared. Now it was a simple waiting game, I had to wait for the troops to arrive. It was amazing how quickly the forces amassed in Winchester Castle. I set the requirement of all forces available within three weeks, the army was available within two and a half weeks. I sent my adjunct, Lord Joshua Greystark as the commander of the main body. He led 2335 men north to York. I kept 1065 men, and had another 1065 men ready for training. I then began to organize the new forces developing them into companies. Once that was settled I then made the training program condensing much of the normal training routine into a five month training period. With the aid fully trained units went smoothly. I had little time to impart a vast amount of knowledge upon these new men. To speed up the men’s growth I set up a number of war games that would teach application of the training. It took a month to arrive in York. It amazed me to see the entirety of the English forces sprawled in a camp outside the city. Though, to me, the army looked like it was a noisy rabble than a force that could achieve anything significant. As I entered the camp with my men, I immediately identified my patron’s part of the camp. I set my banner next to my fathers before letting some of the soldiers taking Falcon to a place to rest. I then entered the tent that my patron was in. Gottfried was wearing a black tunic and trousers made of velvet lined with a gold fabric. It was the one I had created to bring a similar uniformity to my office. There was another in the tent, who had a crown setting next to him on the table that was set up in the center of the room. He had sharp features and a regal presence. Before speaking I had bowed before the king, who simply made a signal for me to stop.

    “My Lord, I have brought two-thousand one-hundred and thirty men, to your banner, all ready for combat,” I said in an unusually formal tone. Gottfried who noticed my uneasiness beckoned me to sit down. Needless to say Gottfried wore an amused expression at my slight discomfort at the time. I simply took my seat and consumed a glass of wine. I took a deep breath to calm myself.
    “So who is this Gottfried?” asked the King who seemed to be looking at me as if I was familiar.

    “He is my godson, I adopted him, he is my official successor,” said Gottfried in a sad tone, “His name Caelian Alexander Blacke, he is Stephan’s son, and successor to the Black Falcon and Grey Hammer.”

    “You look a lot like your mother,” said the King

    “My mother….?” I asked almost confused then Gottfried shook his head and the King who was about to speak but stopped.

    “Caelian, please tend to the men, and let them know we should be marching to war, in a fortnight’s time,” said Gottfried

    “Yes my lord, if you will excuse me your majesty,” I said with a bow, and he signaled for my dismissal. I left the tent, and I ensured that our force was well tended to and that we would be ready for the march north. As Gottfried had told me that we would leave within a fortnight. The army poured out of York a precession of soldiers and banners. I was assigned as a commander of a single infantry company so I marched with them on foot, Falcon walking behind me. It would be a month before we encountered any resistance. Scouts returned to camp and let us know of a large Scottish force ahead already arrayed for combat. Alarms spread through the camp men were arming themselves in their armor. Gottfried’s force would take the center of the army, with the king’s force. The Duke of Nottingham would be on right flank, and on the left was the army from Caernarvon and Exeter.

    I stood in command of my company which was at this time equipped with swords, medium armor. The medium armor set of heavy mail and a leather surcoat. We were in the second line of the formation behind the spear infantry. Behind us was the longbowmen forming the third line. Cavalry held in reserve. The left and right flanks took the same formation. The Scottish army led by an unknown general, the center of their formation was axe and sword infantry. There was infantry with incredibly long spears on the flanks and Light cavalry in the rear of the enemy formations. The stage was set for my first battle. The king rode in front of our lines on his great white destrider.

    “Men of England, It has certainly been awhile since we have stood on the field of battle,” said King Henry, “Our enemy feel as if we have grown lax in our peace with them, today is where we prove them wrong. Seek victory here and now!”

    Our lines erupted in to a resounding cheer. The King then returned to his place at the command of the cavalry. The enemy moved ever closer advancing on our position. In my helmet it was hard to hear anything but the sound of my own heart. A clear resounding trumpet echoed across the battlefield, signaling the commencement of arrow fire. With a resounding twang the archers unleashed a volley of arrows that created a small cloud in the sky. The arrows struck the enemy ranks randomly hitting and eliminating people from the fight. As second volley once again flew from their bows and the arrows came cascading down upon the enemy. The spearmen were withdrawn to the second line and we advanced to be the leading edge of the battle. The line was steady as the enemy was within charging range. I took out a throwing dagger that I had with me and threw it into the enemy ranks. It was imbedded into one of the enemy shields. Another trumpet sound of a different tone echoed through our ranks, it was the signal to charge forward.

    “Charge!!! Eliminate the Scottish Forces!” I screamed out reading my sword for a first strike on the oncoming enemy. Our line surged forward in cacophony of clanking metal and roars. As I got in fighting range I launched a thrust at the first enemy I saw, my attack pierced both flesh and armor. The ease in which this man was incapacitated shocked me. As the screams of the wounded began to reach me as the melee began in earnest. I withdrew my blade to engage another enemy who had come up. His axe came towards my head. I parried the blow, following through with a counter by slashing out his throat. Blood splattered across my helm and armor, I still remember the smell, the indescribable wretched smell. I fought a few more wounding one and taking a slash to the thigh. The enemy broke scattering to the four hills. The cavalry came charging onto the routing enemy running down everything in their path. The battle was disastrous for the scots. The entire army lost no more than two hundred men in the battle, my unit suffered twenty casualties.
    We returned to our camp leaving the dead and dying to rot on that field. Their horrid screams as they tried in a futile effort to cling to life. That night left me queasy as I remember the first life I took. I ate nothing that night. That man’s expression as he realized that my sword had impaled him, it twisted in shock and despair. It would be a few days before I would recover completely from the emotional and physical wounds that that battle inflicted.

    Authors Note: Well everyone, I give you Chapter 4, Also all edits are up so best re-read before continuing! Enjoy Everyone!
    Of Blades and Bows, CW PROJECT
    "The most incomprehenisble thing about the universe that it is comprehensible"-Albert Einestine

  5. #25
    Tigellinus's Avatar Content Staff
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    New Zealand: Auckland
    Posts
    1,425
    Tournaments Joined
    0
    Tournaments Won
    0

    Default Re: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Chapter 3 20130216)

    Quote Originally Posted by Anduril248 View Post
    Chapter 4
    It is odd now, after so many battles so much death. That now I look back and see myself young, and wanting to prove myself. There are few terrors like your first battle and military campaign. This was mine the conquest of Emerald Isles. I truly lost belief in the idea of god, especially on the battlefield where lives are cast away needlessly and endlessly.

    It was the year of our lord 1228, at the Castle of Winchester. The land had greatly stabilized under the reign of King Henry III. This was backed by wise leaders in his kingdom, as it did enjoy a surplus in the last years, which lead to increased tensions with the Kingdom of Scotland to the north. Scotland’s King fearing that King Henry III, who had not committed to open warfare since his time as Prince, would turn the armies of his kingdom upon Scotland. The Scots did the unthinkable they blockaded the city of London. King Henry’s response was swift declaration of war.

    I had specific duties to the Duke of Winchester, Duke Gottfried Waldemar. Gottfried after my return from the academy, created the Office of the Winchester Expeditionary Combat Force. He placed me as the office head. Gottfried divided his force into what was required to defend Winchester, and all other forces were mine to organize train and equip. I was given command of four-thousand five-hundred and forty men which consists of two-hundred and forty Knights, four-hundred Medium Cavalry, four-hundred Light Cavalry, one thousand Longbowmen, and two thousand five-hundred infantry. I first had to organize this force I divided the cavalry companies into companies of forty men, the longbowmen were divided in hundred man companies, and the infantry into one hundred and twenty-five man companies. There are a total of six knight companies, ten medium cavalry companies, 10 light cavalry companies, ten longbowmen companies, and twenty infantry companies. As it is costly to maintain such a large active force I enacted active and reserve units. There are only a certain number of units active at one time, each of the cavalry strata have two units active at any given time. The longbowmen have four units active at any given time. While infantry also have four companies active at one time. The force immediately available for any combat tasking is 1140 men. Each unit is active for three cycles of the moon. Once the cycles have passed, the active units are stood down and new active units are activated to relieve them. I focus on combat training, and formation training, this has developed this force into a semi-professional force. The cost of maintaining the force is only fragment of the budget allocated to me at the time. Thus with the surplus funds I had two buildings built, a barracks and armory that handle the full force available at once, and house all the armor designated for the warriors.

    It was sudden it was spring when Gottfried visited me suddenly and without warning he was dressed in fairly formal wear, his tunic was ornate to show off his status as a Duke. His expression was truly puzzling; his usually bright and sharp eyes were dim and cold. My office in the castle was simple, my desk in the center with several book shelves and two displays with shield with a painted coat of arms and two swords behind it. I kept my armor, on a stand in a corner of the room. The armor had consisted leather jerkin and trousers, medium mail which hung just past my knees, a surcoat of leather with some iron plates weaved into it, plate bracers, and plate greaves. As he entered I immediately stood up from my desk and bowed.

    “My Lord, welcome to my office, how may I be of service?” I asked with a surprised tone
    “There has been a call to arms, directly from the King, he bid all lords to gather in York for a counterstrike on the scots,” said Gottfried whose expression completely deadpanned, “Are we ready?”

    “Currently I have one thousand one-hundred and forty men currently active, they are ready to deploy on a moment’s notice,” I said then I broke down the way I divided my force after that explanation, “I can call up another three thousand four hundred combat ready men, and maybe another thousand or two conscripts, so what happened that is so pressing?”

    “The King finally has decided to marshal an army to deal with the Scots. We are to build our army in York,” said Gottfried, “I will take the force we currently have, I want you to call the rest of our force, and then send the bulk, keep one thousand, and raise another one thousand.”

    “As you command, my lord,” I responded, “the standing force will be ready to deploy by dawn, and the messengers will be sent out, the bulk of the force should be leaving here within two months, I will arrive with the remaining force in about five to six months from when the bulk should leave.”

    “Good, I am taking my leave, Caelian,” said Gottfried as he quickly left the office, my adjunct, a man by the name of Joshua Greystark, who served as my squire until achieving knighthood some six months ago, entered my office. He was wearing the black velvet uniform trimmed silver cloth, with black leather boots. That I made standard among the commanders. The one I gave to my patron and for me was gold lined. The symbol for the office was a gold pin formed in the shape of wing. The commanders were authorized to wear a pin with their coat of arms. The rest of the rabble was given black leather uniforms instead.

    “Lord Greystark, we are in a war time situation, recall all units, and conscript a thousand recruits,” I said calmly, “The messengers need to leave immediately. I want all combat forces ready within three weeks including the conscripts.”

    The castle erupted in activity, a single alarm bell rung out, alerting those who were in Winchester proper to return to the castle immediately and that something had happened. The commands of the Duke had been passed to the soldiers, through their commanders. I prepared the baggage train, that would support the army until it arrived in York, anything it could need I had prepared. Now it was a simple waiting game, I had to wait for the troops to arrive. It was amazing how quickly the forces amassed in Winchester Castle. I set the requirement of all forces available within three weeks, the army was available within two and a half weeks. I sent my adjunct, Lord Joshua Greystark as the commander of the main body. He led 2335 men north to York. I kept 1065 men, and had another 1065 men ready for training. I then began to organize the new forces developing them into companies. Once that was settled I then made the training program condensing much of the normal training routine into a five month training period. With the aid fully trained units went smoothly. I had little time to impart a vast amount of knowledge upon these new men. To speed up the men’s growth I set up a number of war games that would teach application of the training. It took a month to arrive in York. It amazed me to see the entirety of the English forces sprawled in a camp outside the city. Though, to me, the army looked like it was a noisy rabble than a force that could achieve anything significant. As I entered the camp with my men, I immediately identified my patron’s part of the camp. I set my banner next to my fathers before letting some of the soldiers taking Falcon to a place to rest. I then entered the tent that my patron was in. Gottfried was wearing a black tunic and trousers made of velvet lined with a gold fabric. It was the one I had created to bring a similar uniformity to my office. There was another in the tent, who had a crown setting next to him on the table that was set up in the center of the room. He had sharp features and a regal presence. Before speaking I had bowed before the king, who simply made a signal for me to stop.

    “My Lord, I have brought two-thousand one-hundred and thirty men, to your banner, all ready for combat,” I said in an unusually formal tone. Gottfried who noticed my uneasiness beckoned me to sit down. Needless to say Gottfried wore an amused expression at my slight discomfort at the time. I simply took my seat and consumed a glass of wine. I took a deep breath to calm myself.
    “So who is this Gottfried?” asked the King who seemed to be looking at me as if I was familiar.

    “He is my godson, I adopted him, he is my official successor,” said Gottfried in a sad tone, “His name Caelian Alexander Blacke, he is Stephan’s son, and successor to the Black Falcon and Grey Hammer.”

    “You look a lot like your mother,” said the King

    “My mother….?” I asked almost confused then Gottfried shook his head and the King who was about to speak but stopped.

    “Caelian, please tend to the men, and let them know we should be marching to war, in a fortnight’s time,” said Gottfried

    “Yes my lord, if you will excuse me your majesty,” I said with a bow, and he signaled for my dismissal. I left the tent, and I ensured that our force was well tended to and that we would be ready for the march north. As Gottfried had told me that we would leave within a fortnight. The army poured out of York a precession of soldiers and banners. I was assigned as a commander of a single infantry company so I marched with them on foot, Falcon walking behind me. It would be a month before we encountered any resistance. Scouts returned to camp and let us know of a large Scottish force ahead already arrayed for combat. Alarms spread through the camp men were arming themselves in their armor. Gottfried’s force would take the center of the army, with the king’s force. The Duke of Nottingham would be on right flank, and on the left was the army from Caernarvon and Exeter.

    I stood in command of my company which was at this time equipped with swords, medium armor. The medium armor set of heavy mail and a leather surcoat. We were in the second line of the formation behind the spear infantry. Behind us was the longbowmen forming the third line. Cavalry held in reserve. The left and right flanks took the same formation. The Scottish army led by an unknown general, the center of their formation was axe and sword infantry. There was infantry with incredibly long spears on the flanks and Light cavalry in the rear of the enemy formations. The stage was set for my first battle. The king rode in front of our lines on his great white destrider.

    “Men of England, It has certainly been awhile since we have stood on the field of battle,” said King Henry, “Our enemy feel as if we have grown lax in our peace with them, today is where we prove them wrong. Seek victory here and now!”

    Our lines erupted in to a resounding cheer. The King then returned to his place at the command of the cavalry. The enemy moved ever closer advancing on our position. In my helmet it was hard to hear anything but the sound of my own heart. A clear resounding trumpet echoed across the battlefield, signaling the commencement of arrow fire. With a resounding twang the archers unleashed a volley of arrows that created a small cloud in the sky. The arrows struck the enemy ranks randomly hitting and eliminating people from the fight. As second volley once again flew from their bows and the arrows came cascading down upon the enemy. The spearmen were withdrawn to the second line and we advanced to be the leading edge of the battle. The line was steady as the enemy was within charging range. I took out a throwing dagger that I had with me and threw it into the enemy ranks. It was imbedded into one of the enemy shields. Another trumpet sound of a different tone echoed through our ranks, it was the signal to charge forward.

    “Charge!!! Eliminate the Scottish Forces!” I screamed out reading my sword for a first strike on the oncoming enemy. Our line surged forward in cacophony of clanking metal and roars. As I got in fighting range I launched a thrust at the first enemy I saw, my attack pierced both flesh and armor. The ease in which this man was incapacitated shocked me. As the screams of the wounded began to reach me as the melee began in earnest. I withdrew my blade to engage another enemy who had come up. His axe came towards my head. I parried the blow, following through with a counter by slashing out his throat. Blood splattered across my helm and armor, I still remember the smell, the indescribable wretched smell. I fought a few more wounding one and taking a slash to the thigh. The enemy broke scattering to the four hills. The cavalry came charging onto the routing enemy running down everything in their path. The battle was disastrous for the scots. The entire army lost no more than two hundred men in the battle, my unit suffered twenty casualties.
    We returned to our camp leaving the dead and dying to rot on that field. Their horrid screams as they tried in a futile effort to cling to life. That night left me queasy as I remember the first life I took. I ate nothing that night. That man’s expression as he realized that my sword had impaled him, it twisted in shock and despair. It would be a few days before I would recover completely from the emotional and physical wounds that that battle inflicted.

    Authors Note: Well everyone, I give you Chapter 4, Also all edits are up so best re-read before continuing! Enjoy Everyone!
    Took me about a minute to realize that the white box is the new sites version of a context box

    Well I better start reading

  6. #26
    Anduril248's Avatar Aquilifer
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Rapid City South Dakota
    Posts
    347
    Tournaments Joined
    0
    Tournaments Won
    0

    Default Re: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Chapter 4 20130223)

    I know, i am just getting used to full navigation again.
    Of Blades and Bows, CW PROJECT
    "The most incomprehenisble thing about the universe that it is comprehensible"-Albert Einestine

  7. #27
    Schrödinger's Avatar XLII
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    England
    Posts
    1,148
    Tournaments Joined
    0
    Tournaments Won
    0

    Default Re: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Chapter 4 20130223)

    So, I'll give a go at critique as well as comment on this one, hope it doesn't seem personal or insulting- please bear in mind I do really like the story or I wouldn't be writing this!

    This is a good story with an interesting plot and I can see you've taken Audacia's sound advice on board with the sentences. Also, the tone you have created is very martial, which is appropriate and I like. Sometimes, though, the long sentences can seem a little jarring-

    There are only a certain number of units active at one time, each of the cavalry strata have two units active at any given time. The longbowmen have four units active at any given time. While infantry also have four companies active at one time.
    But your structure is much improvement on sentences like this and as a reforming pedant your correct use of the semi-colon had me purring
    His expression was truly puzzling; his usually bright and sharp eyes were dim and cold.
    However, I think your problem sometimes is not so much running on as overuse and abuse of the comma, such as this sentence- either take some commas out or separate it into two ideas. Gottfried and Greystark are mixed up here and it could be clearer.

    “Good, I am taking my leave, Caelian,” said Gottfried as he quickly left the office, my adjunct, a man by the name of Joshua Greystark, who served as my squire until achieving knighthood some six months ago, entered my office.
    Positively, you have also done the battle scene really well, both in the content and the delivery the use of short sharp sentences really rams up the sentences. I can see you are already using longer sentences with more commas for description and shorter sentences for action, so bear that in mind when writing the rest of the time. With practice, it will come in a way much more natural and read much better, as the ending scene does.

    Needless to say Gottfried wore an amused expression at my slight discomfort at the time. I simply took my seat and consumed a glass of wine. I took a deep breath to calm myself. - effective creation of tension - same in battle scene at end
    Overall, reading through it, you can see at the start your style is almost a little stunted by forcing it into shorter sentences but as you grow into the story you return to longer sentences and a more train-of-thought style. When it is more modulated, as in some of the examples I have given, or used for a purpose, as it is in the battle scene, your writing style is impressive and clearly developed from earlier scenes keep this up, an enjoyable tale for the reader and very useful for you
    ~

    RESTORING ROME - CHAPTER II: TRAGEDY OF THE KOMNENOI
    bitte sehr
    SCHRÖDINGER'S CAT - A VERY SPECIAL FELINE


  8. #28
    Anduril248's Avatar Aquilifer
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Rapid City South Dakota
    Posts
    347
    Tournaments Joined
    0
    Tournaments Won
    0

    Default Re: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Chapter 4 20130223)

    First, off thank you Schodinger for the critique, and I am not offended easily so don't worry. I have prepared a response to it, though i will always keep it in mind for my next chapter.

    , I think your problem sometimes is not so much running on as overuse and abuse of the comma
    Poor comma, . That is an interesting view, i feel like i some times ramble on like a politician giving a speech......
    Comma Me

    There are only a certain number of units active at one time, each of the cavalry strata have two units active at any given time. The longbowmen have four units active at any given time. While infantry also have four companies active at one time.
    This was originally one sentence, though i might correct it to something like this: There were only a certain number of units active at one time: Two companies from each of the cavalry stratums, and four from the infantry and longbowmen stratums. (I actually looked up strata, and I found that i was misusing it, that Stratum, or Stratums were the correct way to use that word, though section or segment might do fine as well. When i wrote this section of writing, i could not think of a simple term that would fit so i through in strata......)

    “Good, I am taking my leave, Caelian,” said Gottfried as he quickly left the office, my adjunct, a man by the name of Joshua Greystark, who served as my squire until achieving knighthood some six months ago, entered my office.
    and here i thought i got them all. will be fixed when i do chapter five.
    Of Blades and Bows, CW PROJECT
    "The most incomprehenisble thing about the universe that it is comprehensible"-Albert Einestine

  9. #29
    Tigellinus's Avatar Content Staff
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    New Zealand: Auckland
    Posts
    1,425
    Tournaments Joined
    0
    Tournaments Won
    0

    Default Re: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Chapter 4 20130223)

    Congratulations on your three hundredth post

  10. #30
    Anduril248's Avatar Aquilifer
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Rapid City South Dakota
    Posts
    347
    Tournaments Joined
    0
    Tournaments Won
    0

    Default Re: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Chapter 4 20130223)

    its been three years six months, since i joined. so an average 85 posts a year. i guess i don't like people much lol
    Last edited by Anduril248; February 25, 2013 at 12:49 AM.
    Of Blades and Bows, CW PROJECT
    "The most incomprehenisble thing about the universe that it is comprehensible"-Albert Einestine

  11. #31
    Agent Miles's Avatar Shashu
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Dayton, Ohio
    Posts
    222
    Tournaments Joined
    0
    Tournaments Won
    0

    Default Re: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Chapter 4 20130223)

    Your opening paragraph tells the whole story. It is the equivalent of "My name is Frodo and I destroyed an evil ring that I inherited from my uncle." Omit the opening completely.

    "I am Caelian and my life was destroyed when I was eight."

    This is an opening that catches the reader's attention. Show the reader through the eyes of a child the events of this chapter. Describe how he is with his beloved father at the river when the messengers come. Let the reader feel his amazement at seeing the knights. Show, don't tell of his life with uncle Isaac. Don't skip the incredible tragedy that Caelian experiences at his father's passing. "I did mourn for my father." just won't do at all. This is the defining moment in his life where the boy becomes a man. Show, don't tell the reader how your character grows into being the story's protagonist. End the first chapter with a "hook" so that the reader wants to continue.

    "I begged uncle Isaac for my father's sword. I'll have need for it."

    You can write longer sentences than some people will want to read. Unfortunately, this is not an accomplishment. You seem to want to say too many things in one sentence. Think of each sentence as a step on a stairway. Most readers won't appreciate taking giant steps. Isolate on one thing in each sentence and then say it the best way you can. This is called "word-smithing".

    The second chapter should start with a herald announcing the tournament. It's a direct statement of what comes next and catches the reader.

    "By order of the Lord of Nottingham, a great tournament is to be held..."

    You do a better job of showing what Caelian is going through. You still have a few little points to tweek. Don't have a long paragraph about the wandering merchant telling of the tournament and then have Caelian repeat the exact same text. This is needlessly repetitive. Read your work aloud to yourself. This shoudl help you see where periods belong.

    In chapter three, you start by telling us how Caelian is changed and then saved. Then you show us how Caelian is changed and then saved. Stop telling and keep showing. Show Caelian and Robert winning the wargame. You use really long sentences, but tell so little of the story with them.

    In chapter four, the story stops and an AAR begins. I know more about the uniforms of Caelian's unit than I know about the last eight years of his life. You have a very interesting story that wants to be told. Good luck!
    An army of rabbits led by a lion will always overcome an army of lions led by a rabbit. Napoleon

  12. #32
    Anduril248's Avatar Aquilifer
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Rapid City South Dakota
    Posts
    347
    Tournaments Joined
    0
    Tournaments Won
    0

    Default Re: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Chapter 4 20130223)

    Whew where to begin, first off thanks for the Critique. I will now respond.

    In chapter four, the story stops and an AAR begins. I know more about the uniforms of Caelian's unit than I know about the last eight years of his life.
    The reason you know more about it is because i described more, the first three chapters do need serious re-work in that regard, my corrections, were not so much about adding as cutting down on the run on sentences. Audacia, did mention the lack of detail. Think of chapter four not so much as an AAR, but the foundation for the first campaign. I felt that it was needed. I had not started writing chapter four in yet when i had gotten Audacia's critique.

    "I am Caelian and my life was destroyed when I was eight."

    This is an opening that catches the reader's attention.
    Honestly, the opening has been an issue for me, and it is starting to irritate me. I have a far more planned and fleshed out story in my head, and i am unable to start it...

    Multiple times, you mentioned long sentences, i had written it in an almost internal monologue, and i kind of ramble on. I try and cut down this when i do my editing. It does always work.
    EDIT: I am all out of steam.
    EDIT: I am sure i need to compeletly rewrite the first three chapters, but i am not yet ready to put that kind of effort into it. (I need to do a lot of research and planning. This does not have the level of planning that i usually do for a story at all.)
    Last edited by Anduril248; February 27, 2013 at 08:13 AM.
    Of Blades and Bows, CW PROJECT
    "The most incomprehenisble thing about the universe that it is comprehensible"-Albert Einestine

  13. #33
    Agent Miles's Avatar Shashu
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Dayton, Ohio
    Posts
    222
    Tournaments Joined
    0
    Tournaments Won
    0

    Default Re: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Chapter 4 20130223)

    I know what you mean. Editing doesn't always mean cutting out parts of the story. It can also mean fleshing out. Take this one sentence:

    "I did buy a new horse for various uses, it was a pitch black gelded courser who had great speed but not the size or strength of a destrider, I named him Falcon."

    You tell the reader a lot in one statement. Why not make a story within a story instead? As an example, if I may:
     
    I needed to buy a horse for my trip to Nottingham. Money most certainly was an object to contend with, but I knew this was going to be a very important purchase. A mount was an extension of a warrior's body. I might live or die by the horse that I chose.

    I stood by the pen and scutinized the horses that were available. Most were too large for my liking. However, a gelded courser that was black as pitch caught my eye. I counted what was still my own coin for the last time and then approached the merchant. "Sir, if you have spent enough feeding that small black gelding, then I might be willing to take him off your hands."

    The merchant laughed, no doubt impressed with the savvy my uncle Isaac had taught me and replied, "Well 'Runt' does eat a lot, he does. I believe I could part with him." He called to one of his stable hands, "Robbie, bring Runt over here."
    I ran my hand over the horse's mane and he swished his tail in response. The merchant was going on about how Runt would be a perfect horse for his poor neighbor's children, but that he could sell him to me instead. I held my purse tightly and asked, "Why do you call him Runt?"
    "Well he is the smallest horse I have, no good for breedin'. If his mother had given birth to a litter, then he would have been the runt, he would. So, can I show you another horse?"
    I shook my head, "No sir, I'll take Runt."

    Uncle Isaac had entrusted me to take two very fine swords to Nottingham. I was not going to dissapoint him in any way. I packed well for the journey and hoped to find out more about the Tournament there. The weather was fine for traveling and Runt seemed as happy to leave our little village as was I.
    Runt was actually a very fine mount. Once we were out of earshot, I started a discussion with him, "All right then, as your owner I will instruct you in your new duties."
    "When I yell 'Come' you will come to me and be ready to ride off. In battle, when I command 'Charge', you shall charge with your head up. Should things not go well and I yell 'Run', then you run like the dickens. Don't stop for anything...unless I fall off. Got it?" Runt neighed in response and shook his head.

    By midday, the two of us were ready for a meal. I stopped by a brook and fished an apple out of my pack for Runt before getting one for myself. I patted his side and apologised, "I'm going to leave your load on because we won't be here long, but you'll get a proper rest in Nottingham."
    A rough voice behind me called out, "It's a long way to Nottingham, little master. Perhaps your horse's burden should be adjusted."
    I swung around only to see a scruffy fellow that was obviously up to no good. Then another guy as rough looking as the first came out of the bushes with a drawn dagger and added, "Yes indeed. Let's have a look at what you might...leave behind."
    The men moved closer and I wished that the two swords my uncle had given me weren't so tightly bound to my horse. The men were almost upon us when Runt raised up on his hind quarters, kicking and neighing. The men had not expected this and scattered. I sprang onto Runt and cried out, "Run!" No sooner had we left the two behind when a third robber on a horse charged out of the scrub. He had a long menacing sword in his left hand and wore a light chainmail cuirass.
    Runt took off like a lightning bolt. The highwayman gave chase, but his horse labored under the burden of the man's armor. We raced up a hill and I looked over my shoulder only to see the man reign his mount in and give up. After a short while, we stopped and I gave a well earned sigh of relief. I patted my horse and whispered in his ear, "From now on, your name is Falcon."

    Little vignette's like this spice up your main story and show the reader the character of your protagonist. Many simple statements in your tale could be like seeds that grow into stories of their own.
    An army of rabbits led by a lion will always overcome an army of lions led by a rabbit. Napoleon

  14. #34
    Anduril248's Avatar Aquilifer
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Rapid City South Dakota
    Posts
    347
    Tournaments Joined
    0
    Tournaments Won
    0

    Default Re: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Chapter 4 20130223)

    the reason i said cut down was i was literally taking many if not most of the long sentences and break them down.
    Of Blades and Bows, CW PROJECT
    "The most incomprehenisble thing about the universe that it is comprehensible"-Albert Einestine

  15. #35
    Anduril248's Avatar Aquilifer
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Rapid City South Dakota
    Posts
    347
    Tournaments Joined
    0
    Tournaments Won
    0

    Default Re: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Chapter 4 20130223)

    I am not going to have a chapter, though i might write a prologue this weekend, and re-write chapter One Completely.....
    Edit: Prologue is done, just have to type it, and writing chapter five right now.
    Last edited by Anduril248; March 04, 2013 at 01:20 PM.
    Of Blades and Bows, CW PROJECT
    "The most incomprehenisble thing about the universe that it is comprehensible"-Albert Einestine

  16. #36
    Tigellinus's Avatar Content Staff
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    New Zealand: Auckland
    Posts
    1,425
    Tournaments Joined
    0
    Tournaments Won
    0

    Default Re: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Chapter 4 20130223)

    Hey Anduril248

    I do hope this continues! Would be a shame if it did not.

    +rep

    EDIT. when I can

  17. #37
    Anduril248's Avatar Aquilifer
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Rapid City South Dakota
    Posts
    347
    Tournaments Joined
    0
    Tournaments Won
    0

    Default Re: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Chapter 4 20130223)

    i kind of hit writers block so i wrote the prologue...which is still not typed, right now i am on vacation, and i have had little time. i do intend to continue writing. this it just i have two ideas right now continue along the war path thru scotland or one that take Caelian on a far different road. and the start of my fifth chapter has been challenging...
    Of Blades and Bows, CW PROJECT
    "The most incomprehenisble thing about the universe that it is comprehensible"-Albert Einestine

  18. #38
    Anduril248's Avatar Aquilifer
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Rapid City South Dakota
    Posts
    347
    Tournaments Joined
    0
    Tournaments Won
    0

    Default Re: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Chapter 4 20130223)

    (deleted)
    Last edited by Anduril248; August 22, 2013 at 08:05 PM.
    Of Blades and Bows, CW PROJECT
    "The most incomprehenisble thing about the universe that it is comprehensible"-Albert Einestine

  19. #39
    Anduril248's Avatar Aquilifer
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Rapid City South Dakota
    Posts
    347
    Tournaments Joined
    0
    Tournaments Won
    0

    Default Re: Of Blades and Bows(Updated Chapter 4 20130223)

    Released Prologue
    Of Blades and Bows, CW PROJECT
    "The most incomprehenisble thing about the universe that it is comprehensible"-Albert Einestine

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 1 2

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •