The Endless Struggle (Upd. Apr. 1)

[The Last Spartan]

It's been a while since I posted anything, or even logged on for that matter. I felt like being spontaneous. I started writing a journal, but only now have I gotten the inspiration or rather desire to actually continue to write it. Keep in mind that my living situation is what really spurred all of this. Otherwise, I would've either put it off or never even considered writing one in the first place. Also, be mindful that I don't do revisions for journals. No one should, because that takes it out of its historical context. It is what you are doing/did/are going to do at that moment. And at this point, I really don't care about whether others would disagree with what I have to say or not. I decided to share because ... well, I guess truthfully because I want attention. Ouch. It hurts to say stuff like that. The truth hurts, doesn't it? Well, anyway. I don't always have the time or opportunity to check or update my things online, so don't be surpised if I post several entries in one day. Also, I don't give myself set times, but I do assure myself that I at least write once a week to recap the events. My work week starts on Friday and ends on Tuesday, but for the remainder of December, it ends on Monday. So, I got a three day weekend. The way in which I've written these, is within a conversational/thinking out loud/addressing a crowd tone. So it may be confusing, but if all else fails, just pretend you're talking to me. Also, just keep in mind that, I type it out on a word processor and copy and paste it onto the browser, so there are a lot of words that are actually supposed to be bold, italics, etc. and uncensored. But, oh well. What can you do?

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I know that I'm kinda throwing you folks into the lion's den and you'll probably be wondering "Who is that?" or "When was this?" So, I'd be happy to elaborate and clarify any situations. Also, if you want the original, feel free to ask me and I will send it to you via email.

If you have any comments, feel free to share. But please keep any advice related comments to yourself.

If I want anyone's advice, I'll ask for it.

Thank you.










Entry
2012, 5 December

I am writing this journal entry because I am attending a United Self Help group on Writing. I was initially skeptical considering the company I was in, but perhaps it would be in my best interest to actually continue writing the journal that I stopped working on for some time now. I see it as, kind of my own version of Mein Kampf – My Struggle. That's what it is. Writing a journal for subjects of my future greatness to see and become inspired by such humble beginnings and a harsh journey from which I continue to endure to this day.

There isn't much to write about today. I woke up at the shelter, went out, ate breakfast … where did I eat breakfast? , I don't remember. But I do remember wandering aimlessly throughout most of the day feeling sorry for myself. I went to the library to check if … I'm having trouble remembering her name … Yuki. Yes, Yuki – it means “snow” in Japanese. Naturally she was not there even though she said she would start coming back next month last time we met. For anyone who may be reading this, I will explain in a later journal entry what has led up to this entry in particular. Mainly so you won't be reading this and think, “Who/what/when/where the is this?” or “When did this happen?” Truth be told, it's been weeks since my last journal entry, and an even longer time before that.

I remember why else I felt disappointed at the beginning of the day. I went to Macy's and Ross to see if I could get a bottle of Ed Hardy cologne. I think it was called Love and Luck for men, or something along those lines. All I remember is that it's in a blue bottle. The prices on it have increased significantly since the last time I saw it. So, not being able to afford a decent pair of new clothes, and new fragrances was a little disappointing. But I actually went down to this store in Chinatown by the corner of River and Beretania (I think) and bought myself a silver ring for $20. Good deal, considering the price of silver. I felt really lifted, because since Yuki dropped out of contact, it has shattered my confidence.

I felt lifted because I remember stories of how women would actively flirt with married men. The sight of a ring is enough to make them go crazy – for lack of better words. Naturally, this thought had significantly boosted my confidence. I think that a combination of the trinket itself and boost in self confidence in cohesion with each other would be a great booster and maybe I can finally get laid. Hah. Look at me. Someone who aspires to be the future Great Leader of the Motherland talking about sleeping around. But this journal is mine, and mine alone. These thoughts are mine and mine alone. Promiscuous sex, nothing bad about that.

Anyway, nothing much else to say. I'm actually writing this with the Writing Group and everyone else is still writing their little journal entries. Do I really want to share all my thoughts? Probably not. Maybe just some tidbits about the events that have transpired earlier within the day, that's about it. I think that I will continue where I left off writing about My Struggle.

That's what life is, an endless struggle in which we must seek to master ourselves just as much as we must seek to master others. A leader among leaders is what I seek to be. A leader among slaves, is not what I seek. Slaves may be slaves only if they so choose it.

No excuses.


End of journal
Secondary Entry

So Jen and I, went to get pizza and I asked her if I could stay at her place. I told her what it was like to live at the shelter and despite the fact that she wants to help people out, she simply refused to help me. I don't understand how people can preach about compassion, especially towards those that don't deserve it, but when asked for help from someone who constantly helps them, they refuse. I don't understand how people could ask for so much and yet give so little. It is within human nature to be selfish, but it is also within our nature to be selfless. Balance, is the key.

She said she let her ego get in her way and now she is not at peace with the decision she made. Well, that's the problem. She is living with regret. More than likely it is a number of decisions she regrets as well. Do I sense a guilty conscience here? I think so.


End of Journal

[The Last Spartan]

Entry
2012, 6 December

It would seem that the communist has grown strong in America. Scum, every single one of them. Before, I didn't understand why people such as Fascists and true American democrats hated communists so much, but now, living at the shelter, I understand why. I know what kind of people they are - lazy, self-centered, irresponsible, hypocritical, arrogant and naïve. They expect people with power to help them every step of the way, yet when it comes time for them to put forth the effort to helping others, or at least helping those who deserve assistance, they either hesitate or do not put forth at all. Communists. Scum. The word for scum in Russian is svoloch. I cannot spell it out on this keyboard, though I wish I could, even more so, I wish I could speak, read and write the language as fluently as I do with English.

Adolf Hitler won a broken Germany over to his way with words. Words and with deceit. It was not something I entirely agree with. Evil, most would say. But there is no such thing as good and evil. Only perspectives of what it is. If it is “evil” then it was a necessary evil. Look at what he had accomplished because of it! He brought Germany out from the pits of disgrace and decline and ushered an era of unprecedented progression. Yes. Fascism will bring Russia victory. It will make us great again.

Apparently having a ring on your left ring finger in America (or most countries nowadays, I think) is a declaration of the oath of monogamy – marriage. Although I myself don't plan on getting married, or having little run around, for that matter. Marriage is sacred, because it is an oath that two take to be partners for life. Companions. For life. Some say even in death. When you say the words, “Till death do us part.” Sometimes, such things transcend even life itself and the material universe. The Astral is all around us, all through us. It binds us, connects every living thing in the universe. I call it The Astral, because that's what it is, an energy, much like chi. Chi, however, sounds too … foreign. Too... Chinese.

I am thankful for the bled we had shed aside the Chinese, but they are communist scum. I shudder to think what China would be like should it ever become a Fascist nation. It may very well rival what Russia could be – any nation could become powerful through Fascism. I would think that should the States split into the Confederacy and the Union once again, the Confederacy would be a force to be reckoned with. Not the brightest of the bunch, mind you, but definitely much tougher.

But enough of the world of political theory. Though my beliefs are grounded in tried and proven facts in conjunction with strong principles. An inevitable discussion I will save for later.

Today was fairly uneventful. Got my haircut in the morning. Came back, dicked around at the library. Mike wound up there so we hung out for a bit. I also had a conversation with Vladimir, and he seems to be learning quite well. The ways of power. Of Darkness. Hah. Funny, his name is Vladimir, but he's a black guy. Inbred trailer trash. Haha. I took a look at some of my previous entries from a couple months ago when I first started writing. I don't disagree that sometimes a world without technology would be better, but anarchists are scum. The one thing I respect about libertarians is their strong sense of principle and their belief in Natural Selection. However, I dislike Anarchists and some Libertarians because of their sense of self-centeredness. I could be wrong, however. Libertarians make good allies – comrades. The word comrade in Russian is tvarish. Comrade, because we're in this together, and yet we are not.

I debated in my mind on whether I would rewrite it or not. In the end, I declined. This is written during very stressful times in a situation which I shouldn't be in the first place. Much like Hitler's Mein Kampf, this is the story of my struggle at the time in which it was written and rewriting it would take it out of its historical context. Hitler was a great man. Though I would be at odds with him on certain things, I think we would have gotten along just fine. Myself, Hitler, Mussolini, perhaps even Hirohito or even earlier than that of great men like Julius Caesar, Ivan the Great, Pyotir the Great or Napoleon. The pronunciation SEE-zerr is an Anglicized pronunciation, where the original Latin pronunciation is KAI-zarh, like the Kaiser of Germany – or Czar in Russia.

The last thing I'd like to talk about is dreams. I had a strange dream last night, of which I was wandering about a place that I don't recall. But I remember I was jumping to and from relationships with women and I was traveling through different houses. Elaborate and extravagant mansions set on cliffs and I was on these cliffs and mesas by the ocean. Even traveling on a bus at one point, but it looked like a school bus, not a public transportation bus. Two of the women I did not recognize, but the third I did, and stumbled through names until I found it. Her name was Marissa. I remember this woman from highschool and a little later when I lived in Kapolei through my times as an addict. She is a beautiful woman, Korean or Japanese, I believe. Hung out with some guy named Trent, I think, back at Fun Factory in Kapolei. Beautiful woman, but one with no significance in my life whatsoever. Or at least none that I can see. I even saw Yuki in my dreams, again. She has been invading my dreams for the past couple weeks now and yet she refuses to reveal herself to me.

We shall see what comes next. In the mean time, I will continue to work and push to get back into active duty.

That's all for now.

End of Journal

[The Last Spartan]

Entry
2012, 8 December

Yesterday, I didn't feel really inspired to write anything. Even now, I don't really feel that way. I'm more for action rather than words, but sometimes actions require words, even if they are just written down. I mean that in a figurative sense. Typed sounds too … sedentary.

I saw this girl down in Waikiki by the Duty Free Store while I was taking my lunch break. She had free floating blonde hair, denim shorts, Converse shoes (I think) and had blue eyes. We looked at each other and we smiled. Now, I don't know about you, but when someone looks into your eyes a certain way, it has weight to it. Someone can glare at you with hatred filled in it, while others can look at you with a longing. I think there was a bit of lust and the way I read it was that she had an interest. It's funny and ironic how yesterday, an Asian girl inside Ihop smiled and waved to me. Another Asian girl while I was working in the food and candy section of DFS also gave me that look and Derrick reminded me of his sister. It's funny and ironic because this was right after I said to myself that I would focus on my career instead of focusing on girls. Funny how the Astral has a way of doing things like that to a man, especially when with as great a future and destiny as I. I told Derrick, “Well, I'm waiting. I have more important things to focus on.” If she wants me bad enough, she'll pursue. It's true. I do have more important things. I have to get into special forces and yesterday I ran my heart out. Oh yes, I was huffing and puffing, and a little bit of alcohol consumption helped to numb my senses. It wasn't too much. I enjoyed going to the Pub and chatting it up with the girls there.

I like the Irish. They remind me of my own people. Hard fighters and hard celebrators to boot. I swore that I wouldn't drink after all the problems I allowed myself to slip into and especially after I gave myself alcohol poisoning on Thanksgiving. This time I had the discipline to say to myself “Enough is enough.” and walk away while I had the chance. I want to quit drinking and smoking for good. Attachment to any material, especially one that's hazardous to your health, is a weakness. It's not so much the health benefits, although that is large factor, it's for the philosophical reasons. I need to take care of my body and more so, my mind. I must be free of all weakness, as should we all. Perfection, I think, is a goal, rather than an actual state that can be attainable, if at all possible. Though the destination itself may be folly, the journey and the outcome of such a noble venture surely is not.

They say it's lonely at the top. That I would not doubt at all. Not everyone can handle the enormous pressure and responsibility it takes to become powerful. It's a trade, and a difficult one at that. You can have everything, and yet still have nothing. How does one deal with this? One must accept the fact that power comes with a price and an enormous one at that, and they must constantly fight to keep it. But that's what life is, an endless struggle where the weak are stamped out and the strong must continue to struggle. Conflict is a natural part of life and a part of the universe. Some would say otherwise, and would label it as a context that one views it, but that simply isn't true. It's not the label or the name that matters, it's the principle. Yes, the principle of that matter that is the most important, not the fact. Facts are important, but so are principles and it is just as, if not, more important than the facts. But there must be a balance between the two. Facts must remain strong, but so must principles. Weak principles perpetuate weakness and weak principles are symptoms of poor training and conditioning, naivety, irresponsibility, incompetence and feeble-mindedness – weak willpower. One must be willing to accept truths, no matter how painful they may be.

Women have a way of … complicating things. Best said by the character Odysseus in Troy, a film loosely based on the Iliad – the invasion of Troy. The saying could never be more true. I bring this up because it continues to stick to my mind. Even in the midst of my journey to Ascension, women remain a problem – whether it be a pleasant one or not. It's difficult to go through life alone. Where you feel so distant from others and long for the love, affection and trust of another by your side. Few would ever accept the pain I have had to endure, and even fewer would understand it. Can one every truly trust anyone? The answer is a definitive no, unfortunately. Few truly have such a strong sense of honor or dependability to be truly trustworthy. Even one as honorable as I, lack that capacity. No. Lack the capacity is wrong. I refuse to allow myself to have that capacity, except for having that trust for my brothers in arms, but even then, none can ever fully be trusted.

An oath is an oath. It is a solemn vow that you have taken and bound yourself to. Sometimes, the situation will dictate what your options are, and vows must sometimes be broken. That's not to say that all vows are meaningless. No, quite the opposite. An oath must only be broken if the outcome of a situation depends on the integrity of that vow, but it must be tailored to the individual, the situation and the needs of the majority in which the situation itself is dependent. For example, as a soldier, one swears an oath bound in blood to defend their nation from all enemies foreign and domestic. Now, if that soldier feels that those who lead his nation are truly the enemies, then they must then decide whether they will break that oath and fight those who lead, even when they swore that they would follow their leaders to the death. Let's keep building on the scenario. What if the leader was unpopular, incompetent or self-centered? The burden of leadership is that they must give everything to everyone else first and foremost, however if leaders are using their oaths for their own personal gain, they betray that trust. Now, granted that the leaders are worthy, then it is their place to use others at their expense. Keep in mind, however, that we live in a world where wealth is valued over worth. Although vast material wealth can be accumulated as the result of conquest, in one way or another, wealth should remain a means to an end, and nothing more. This is one of the main reasons why democracy fails. Capitalism is a tried and proven system where the worthy succeed because of their individual efforts and abilities. Socialism tries to do away with it making everyone equal and that is communism's folly. There are no differences between those who are worthy and those who are not. However, needless to say, that only the leaders of a communist nation may be worthy, but even following generations build off the successes of those who came before them. This does not apply to just politics, but everyday life as well. These are issues I must study and study well if Russia is to be ruled with competence, firmness and fairness. Something I must carefully and diligently consider. In the years to come, these will be learned, just as all experiences through ones life are lived and reflected upon in a competent matter herein which wisdom and knowledge can be gained and strength and power be furthered upon its revelation.

I would like to speak of a vanguard party. In Nazi Germany, the Sturmabteilung, or SA, meaning Storm Troopers in association with the SS or Schutzstaffel. In Soviet Russia, the Bolsheviks were the vanguard party of the Soviet Union. A vanguard party may very well be necessary in the forming of the Resolution. The Resolution, as I would like to term it, is the realization that communism, democracy and all other forms of government are inevitably doomed to fail. True libertarian democracy, though effective and even worth-while, is doomed to fail. Libertarian democracy, without leaders with strong principles, is doomed to fail. The individuality of such a society in addition to the exposure and freedom of many different forms of thinking is doomed to pervert itself into oblivion. In the United States, the perversion was realized with the American republican and democrat parties. The republican party favored conservative political policies that stayed at least somewhat true to the libertarian vision of the United States, whilst at the same time, they favored ultraconservative social policies that favored an integration of church and state, which, in-turn, dictated many following policies such as a ban on contraception, homosexuality and others.

We'll return to the subject at a later time. I've lost my train of thought because the feeble-minded fools within the small dorms, are distracting me from writing about any deep thought. Sociopolitical beliefs, as well as philosophical beliefs are difficult to focus on when fools with no money are protected by fools with money. In short, dominance is difficult to establish, when the weak are protected by the unworthy who half-ass their jobs in maintaining a proper shelter.

While sitting outside I had several deja vu moments while sitting outside with Derrick. Now, I'm not too sure about foresight, but what I heard was that if you saw that moment in a dream, then you are doing something right. However, if you saw that moment in a nightmare, you are doing something wrong. Derrick jokingly says to me its checkpoints that you can revert to if you do something wrong and die. I got a good laugh out of that. Well, I don't like to live in what-ifs. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, I say. There's little point to brooding on the past, unless it motivates you. I took the fear and sorrow that I live with and turned it into anger and hatred and let that motivate me to do better. Emotions are difficult to deal with, but a necessary one. That I will also save for another time. For now, I'm going to go work out and strengthen my body, in-turn, strengthening my mind.


End of Journal

[The Last Spartan]

Entry
11 December, 2012

Ugh. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Last night, I went back to the Pub and had some drinks with Derrick. An Asian girl named Stephanie and Stacy was working that night. They are both tall and beautiful. I don't know if the girls like me or not (in one way or another) or maybe they just give good customer service. , I don't know. I know their names, but I don't like to address people without properly introducing myself – outside of work, of course. Two sailors walked in that were engaged and we got really loud and obnoxious. But I elected to join them. Now, that's one thing I gotta remember not to do. I don't like being super loud when I want to relax.

I was absolutely furious this morning. Probably cause I was slightly hungover and had to wake up early. It wasn't too bad though. But really, I was upset because I felt like I made a fool of myself the previous night and the fact that I couldn't stay out late AND I had to wake up early. my life, I thought to myself. I was furious. But really, I was hurt. I realized that inside, I was really hurt deeply. I recall the forums I used to go on, TWC. Lord of the Drunk Penguin once said to me, “Spartan, I think deep down inside, you want to be loved.” Naturally, I dismissed it, but I've searched my feelings, and find that it is true. I do want to be loved. I think to myself, how can anyone love me? Just now, that reminded me of Agent J from Men In Black. It was really tragic how he explained to his partner how James Edwards saved 50 people on a train that night, and no one even knows he exists. And if no one even knows he exists, how can anyone ever love him? I can relate. Especially going into special forces.

It's going to be a difficult life, and one that I will enjoy. But I know that it will be lonely. Maybe even more so than I feel now. This is one of the few times in my life when I truly felt alone. And it breaks my heart that I give so much, and yet I receive so little in return. Why do I keep doing it? Because there are things at work in this universe that are far more important than just I. The world needs people like me, to stand up and take the lead, no matter what the cost. I will liberate Russia, even if it costs me my life.

That's how I lead my life.

If I want it bad enough. I will take it.

Or die trying.

It's natural to feel sorry for myself considering the circumstances. Let's take a look at it. Hmmm. I live in a homeless shelter. I keep getting the run-around for getting activated. I don't have anyone I can trust. All those who I did trust, are either dead or gone. For good. I'm alone. And I'm hurting. It's like I'm screaming and no one can hear me. I have some good followers. Robert (Sparkles) decided to hear me out, Vladimir and Wheelchair John were supportive. I have a lot of people who like for and care for me. But I can't trust them. I just can't bring myself to fully trust them. Even Jen. We made amends for what she has done, which we must still discuss, but she decided to stay with me. So we went around Waikiki, I felt so much better. The truth hurts doesn't it? A skin of steel isn't going to do any good. A heart of iron, now that is much better. Look, I'm as alpha as the next alpha male, but I'm really sensitive. Not to much, but the few things that hit me, hit me hard. Little do people know that on the inside of this bringer of death/lord of darkness is a romantic man. That's right, I'm very romantic.

Believe it or not.

Yuki is gone. And it hurts. She was the first woman in a long time that could actually understand me. We clicked. I think I was falling in love with her. This time, it was for real. It transcends that of the material universe in to the Astral.

And now she's gone.

God, this hurts.

God?

No.

No God.

No God.

No fate.

Only man.

Nothing will ever fill that void. Maybe. The future is never static.

They say if you want to be loved. You must love yourself.

Oh, that's no problem at all, but what if you love and hate yourself?

My old master once said that the universe requires balance. If that means hating and loving in collusion, so be it.

At first I thought it was folly, but it makes sense. The strongest point of anything is at it's balancing focal point. Literally and figuratively. A balance is required, but where is that balancing point? There is no one solitary balancing point.

Being balanced means having strong principles that give balance and compliment one another. Not being wishy washy – lacking decisiveness, or being nit-picky. If one wants compassion to be their strength, then they must practice it wholeheartedly. Being nit-picky about that is hypocritical.

Anyway, that's all I have to say for now.

I'm going back to the Pub later.

This time, I will go alone.

And this time, I won't allow myself to lose control. I don't go there to get drunk. I go there to socialize. Make new connections. Anyway, I'll write more later.



End of Entry

[The Last Spartan]

I want to thank you all for taking the time to actually read my journal entries. I know some of the things I say, you may vehemently disagree with, but I thank you all for your patience. I've been really making some good changes in the past couple days, and I think that in the next couple weeks and, more than likely, beyond, I will continue to grow and become stronger. If you will notice, I've actually taken a little bit more time and effort in writing my posts, as opposed to just doing the whole copy and paste number. You will even begin to see a change in the tone and demeanor in which I speak.

Enjoy!



Entry
2012, December 12

12,12,12 – what a lucky number, I guess. It'll be the last time for another hundred years that there will be three numbers of the same kind.

I remember why I hate Christians and Muslims, or religion for that matter. I watched a video of Chechen insurgents executing Russian soldiers. Apparently there was a squad sized element of conscript troops who had moved into a village. Chechen insurgents attacked in great numbers and of the 13 soldiers, 7 fled and the 6 who remained stayed and fought until they ran out of ammo and surrendered themselves. They were promised to be treated as POW's under the Geneva Convention, but it was a lie. They were executed. Slaughtered like animals in the name of their “god”.

It was no way for soldiers to die. It made my blood boil seeing those religious fools killing fellow soldiers, more so, fellow countrymen. It reminded me of how my friends were killed in the Middle East. It reminded me of my step mother. All religious fanatics. I hate them for it. I hate them for what they stand for. I hate them for who they are. I hate them. I would wipe, Islam and Christianity off the face of this planet. I would destroy every church, every mosque, every cathedral, including St. Basil's church. I don't care if it is part of our culture.

Religion has to go.

First communism. Then religion. It's extremely ambitious, even unrealistic. But it doesn't hurt to just about it.


End of Journal

[The Last Spartan]

Entry
13 December, 2012

I normally wouldn't write journals in the beginning of the day. After all, they hasn't even given itself the chance to have anything happen. Well, this is the 7th day, or something along those lines, in which I have felt my morale drop. I'm barely able to hold it together on my own at this point. I didn't want to say anything, but the other day – Tuesday morning. I was so upset that I cut myself. I remember why I did it in the first place. The reminder of how even I am human.

It felt good. I didn't even cut deep or anything, but just the blade sinking into my skin was almost a feeling of ecstasy. It's funny, how I also laugh at the misfortunes and pains of others. Sometimes, seeing such things make my blood boil. Like that execution video. I hate Muslims and I hate Christians. The most hypocritical people come from those two religions. I have not met a single person from either, who follows their scripture to the absolute. None that I have met are strong in their principles.

I ran into this woman who goes to the Bridges classes. I missed this past one on Tuesday, I was in no mood at all to go to it. Apparently it was utter chaos without me. Her name is Karina. She was born in the states to a Russian-Jewish family and apparently spent some time with Gypsies.

End of Journal

[The Last Spartan]

Entry
14 December, 2012

I know for the past couple times, I've been cutting my journals short. I have no excuses, and I apologize. Something wonderful happened today. Yuki showed up while I was at work. I gave her a big hug and talked a little. She knows I missed her, and I think she missed me too. She was in disbelief when she found out that I tried to call and text her, but it wouldn't work. So, I elected to give her my number instead, and now she knows where I work. Funny how things work out like that. The Astral has a funny way of working things out like that. She has my number now, so there is no way that can go wrong. Although I probably should have kept her number in my contacts. Eh. Oh well.

I would like to think that somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew it would be a good day. But I'm not that optimistic.

I think what it was, was that I was finally willing to let go. The Astral rewarded me by giving her back to me. I think that's how it works. The Astral is a living energy that lives within all of us, but it in itself has its own will, in a chaotic way. I think the Astral energy is Chaos. Let me explain.

There is an energy that binds the universe and all living things within it. An energy much like Chi. However, this energy has a will of its own, but what that is is unbeknownst to anyone. It waxes and wains through light and dark energy, much like phases of the moon and I think it seeks to bring balance to all who feel it, especially those who feel it strongly. Or it may not. Whether one feels it or not, I will get to later. It could very well be that the Astral brings chaos within to the universe so that we an impose order on it. After all, the universe itself was created by chaos. Why else is humanity in chaos? Why else when humans destroy each other over ideas that they cannot even begin to comprehend are ultimately left in shambles? Why else is conflict and natural selection, parts of the universe that are ultimately the right thing? Why do I say the right thing? Because they are the only things that have proven themselves time and time again that they are part of the universe and that only the strong will survive. Responsibility. Self-reliance. Determination. Force of will. Competence. These are the hallmarks of those who learn this lesson, and more so for those who learn it well.

Remember, a lesson quickly forgotten, is a lesson poorly learned.

It is now nightfall. Two things I anxiously await is for drill to come and to hear back from my beloved.

Oh Yuki, how I missed you so. I would have turned the universe inside out to find you. But the universe, instead, smiled at the pain that I have wrought for the lesson I had learned. Learned I have, and learned it well. But I have a feeling it's not over yet.

Hah. I'm melodramatic like that sometimes – in fact, I'm like that a lot. For one, it makes my arguments a lot more convincing and it gives me stories much more drama – more weight to my words. We shall see what the days bring to wrought, and so I seek to rule them.


End of Journal

[The Last Spartan]

Entry
17 December, 2012

Well, just got done with drill weekend yesterday. Not much happened. Just got familiarized with the M2A1 and Mk. 19 by breaking it down and putting it back up and getting some trigger time on the simulator i.e. ISMT. It wasn't all that great, but that's okay, at least I'm getting a pay check. What I think is bull, is that aside from the staff and higher echelon, almost the entire unit has alienated me for one reason or another. No one offers me rides, food or anything. There's only a select few that are willing to help me out. And one, probably the usual suspects, even had the nerve to steal my ipod while I was out and about. These guys are supposed to be my brothers – my family. We're supposed to trust each other with our lives and if I can't even count on them with the little things, how the hell*, or rather, why the hell*, should I trust them to have my back out in combat? I'll tell you, I wouldn't. I was naïve to think that fellow Marines would look out for my welfare, even after all I've done and my ability. I have proven myself to be far more competent and more of a leader than most of the more experienced NCO's. I was naïve to put my trust in them. So, I told the S-1 chief and he says he will look into it, but can't guarantee anything. At least he's honest enough to admit that. I walk back into the barracks all my stuff packed and the few marines left inside are silent. They know I'm angry. So one asks, “How are you getting home?” I replied, “I'll figure it out.” They waited looking at me as I shouldered my packs and said, "Flup* this. I'm done with y'all.” I walked out the door with my bags out onto the road and hitchhiked with some random marine who was on vacation. So, I wound up humping out the back gate about half a mile or so up the road to the next bus stop and back to the shelter.

Another lesson has been learned: not even those who are supposed to be your brothers, can be trusted.

It may or may not be the toxic environment and ground climate, but this I will remember. And they would do well to remember as well.

Moving on.

Next thing I have to talk about. I've been reading this book called The Game, by Neil Strauss. It's a book that breaks down the techniques and sciences behind the secret societies of pickup artists. Yes, I call it sciences, because their manipulation techniques have been boiled down to quite literally a science. Much like combat, it is a science that given enough training and experience, one can become proficient in and achieve the desired results. Strangely enough, some of the more basic techniques I have tried, have a mysteriously effective... well... effect. I won't go into details, but some of the simpler things they have explained, I've tried. And it works! Of course, put that into conjunction with my can-do attitude and natural good looks, of course it would work, but this was geared towards people whose teachers and friends have failed them in teaching proper socialization. Naturally, I fell into this category, but I have advantages that others don't have. However, I want more. I don't want to just know how to socialize, I want to be able to manipulate better. Make people see my way. Of course, I will arrogantly admit that some day people will see things my way, or see the fallacy of their flawed logic. I will proudly state that and admit to the arrogance of such a statement.

Sue me, I don't care.

The book itself and the stories are at least interesting enough to strike intrigue, but now it's giving me the information I need to be better at socializing, and influencing people. I already have that natural charisma and appearance to intimidate and influence others, so why not add on to that? Now, if you are on the outside looking in, how could you trust me? You can't and you shouldn't. In fact, no one should ever be trusted truly. There is only one way you could know you can trust someone and that is by their actions, but even those could fail in the efforts of the persistent. You can trust me. If I so much as at least like you, and you don't get in my way, you could place trust in me, for the most part. If I have nothing to gain from deceit then I won't partake in it. I'm not one for deception. I practice it and utilize it, but deception is... low. Almost beneath me. But understand that sometimes in attaining one's goals, one must indulge in distasteful acts, so long as they can live with their actions without regret.

I try and say to myself the book is in very least entertaining, but the more I try not to think of it, the more I want to read it. It's strange. I don't know what to think or how to feel about that. I guess I crave the attention and crave the feeling of being the alpha male. I'm already doing it in most fields, but to finally conquer the opposite sex, and my victory shall be sealed. I've always had trouble with the opposite sex, because my stepmother spent so much time conditioning me as a child to fear and obey women, mostly her. Naturally, such conditioning required bereavement and unwarranted striking. I could have been sexually abused, but such memories are locked deep within my subconscious as repressed memories. All I know is that I was taught to be an obedient slave to the whim of whomever my authoritative figures are, naturally that is to be towards women. She was a sexist, naturally. As a result of that, as well as all my failed relationships and poor experiences towards women and as a result of educated observations, I have come to the conclusion that women, for the most part, are simply not to be trusted. I believe that it is in a woman’s nature to be deceitful and they had to be. For thousands of years they had little to no rights in many nations and still don't. So what do they do to get ahead? Instead of trying to overpower their opposition, they use them. Very clever, I must say. That's not to say that men are incapable of deceit either, of course. People are naturally going to look after their own interests, now, to what extent and whether or not they are honest to themselves and their peers is another question. To convince people that it is within their best interests to look out for the welfare of others, so long as they are worthy is a difficult feat, even in the military. But if correctly done and diligently enforced, it breeds excellent results.

I'll get more into politics later, when I feel like it, but right now, I just feel like talking more on a personal level, I guess you could call it.

I may have gone over this in a previous entry, but I actually corrected the number that Yuki gave me quite some time ago, after looking through my previous calls. To think that I could have saved myself all this heartache is … stupefying at best, considering that it was a result of my own negligence. That's right, I could have saved myself all this if I had just changed ONE number in the nine digit phone number. So, I'll see if I could meet her come tomorrow or the days to come. It's strange, because she remembers who I am, but not my name. That gives me cause to be … worried … Considering that not a day goes by when I don't think of her, and the fact that she knows who I am, but not my name. It worries me, but we'll see what happens. I don't like to live in what-ifs. I could ask that question millions of times over the course of a life time, and wonder what if. I don't live in “what-ifs” or “I'll try's”, only do's or do nots. I try not to let myself be ruled by fear of the unknown and uncertain. I've been doing a good job so far, but I have to take it all the way. To simply not let my life be ruled by fear and uncertainty. Life is full of that, so why fear it? Why allow yourself to be ruled by something that is a completely natural part of life? Much like pain and disappointment, they are completely natural parts of life, but finding what is worth it, is the difficult part. But that's part of the Struggle. Anyway, we will see what happens. Our encounters have been very interesting and hopefully I can continue to build rapport and a closer relationship with her. It's difficult to find a woman who you can truly connect with. I believe true friendships and relationships transcend that of the Materia into the Astra. True connections transcend all that of the material world into the astral world where you are connected by mind, body and spirit (I guess you could call it). I don't like delving too much into pseudoscience (or faith), but that's pretty much what it is. But like I said, true meaningful connections in which you can connect with a person through mind and body and find balance is a connection deeper than anything else in the universe. A true love. A true companionship. But my love for her is young yet still, but I have never felt this strong for anyone, especially not one that I have only had few encounters with. Perhaps it may unfurl into something stronger. Perhaps in time it will become fleeting.

Who knows really?

We'll see what tomorrow brings.


End of Journal


P.S. I still haven't thought of a story to write and correlate to my life for the group on Wednesday.

Eh, I'll think of something.

[The Last Spartan]

Entry
18 December, 2012

So, it's almost time for lights out here at the shelter. I write this out of a feeling of regret... remorse even. Perhaps, that is not the right word. A feeling of … guilt. But the real question is why.

Why?

Why do I feel this way? I haven't done anything wrong, not even commonly perceived wrong.

Today, all I did was volunteer in the kitchen in the morning. Do my laundry and although I missed out on my opportunity to talk to Mrs. Olson, I will return the favor in the morning. I did want to spend time with Yuki, but she said she couldn't because of her busy schedule. All I did was offer her help if she needed and affirm her of how proud I am of her. She was greatful. However, I conjectured. I guess I'm not important enough for you to make time for me, huh? So, I've decided, to punish her, if she asks me to do something while I have free time, I will fib and simply say, “I have plans.” or something else that's vague. I want her to want me. In the beginning stages, keeping far contact and being myself worked wonders, but now that we've established semi permanent contact, I have to strategize this, so that I don't receive unfavorable results. It's the cat and string theory. The more you tease a cat with the string, the more they will want to play with it. However, give it all up at once, and they quickly lose interest in it.

After that, I just went to the last of the Bridges self help classes. Everyone there looked at me and I felt a feeling of scorn. Almost like they didn't want me there. So, I was happy to oblige them. After the class, they held a small graduation ceremony (and a half-assed one at that) and began to feast. I left, without saying so much as a goodbye to anyone.

I didn't care.

I tried to help them. Obviously apparently they don't want it.

I've been a lot more aware of people's body language since I've been reading The Game. I've been a lot more aware of how people act. I've also noticed, that I've began to look at women differently. Not in a way of inferiority or fear. But more like … indifference. Their attitudes and mindsets are not so different than men, their situations, however, influence their actions differently. In reality, women and men are not so different. Of course, obvious and not so obvious differences must be acknowledged, but women really aren't so different mentally.

In any case, I've decided to remove myself from the United Self Help circle, almost completely. I'd probably keep in contact with Karina and Jen. They're interesting to have around. And Yuki? Well, there are other women out there. And not having Yuki won't kill me. It will hurt for a while. Probably a lot less than I've already suffered, but the show must go on.

As I continue writing, I feel a bit better than I did a few minutes ago. But I still question, what made me feel that way? I mean, I had 5 beers spread through the course of 2 hours. That is miniscule for my tolerance, even after this long period of time of sobriety.

Anyway, I may have the answer tomorrow. But tomorrow, I will relax. Maybe read some more and definitely reflect more on the days of past. Right now, it's time for rest. Come tomorrow, is another day to seize. To clench victory from.

Another day, another victory, I say.

Glory to the strongest.

Strength and honor.


End of Journal

[The Last Spartan]

Entry
19 December, 2012

Holy ing ! I have been sitting in this goddamn Starbuck's for the past 3 ing hours, and I haven't done but read! What about? What the else!?I finally found the forum (now formerly) called Mystery's Lounge and the treasure trove of information that is bombarding my brain is almost overwhelming. My thirst for knowledge and putting it to good use especially in the field of Charisma is starting to become an obsession. I think it's healthy though. I've been feeling so much more confident in myself and how I interact with people. I didn't interact with random people before, but right now I'm starting out small by interacting with sales clerks, baristas, bartenders, etc. People who exist to serve you. Well … I wouldn't say exist solely to serve others, but then again, some people are stuck with the mindset of being subservient. I've even looked at pictures of people like Style, Mystery, and others who have been included in Style's exploits. To now put faces to the stories and the forum posts lets me know that no one is blowing smoke up anyone's ass. These are people's lives and stories that are tried and true to the last drop of sweat. Okay, maybe not completely true, hell I'll never know that. After all, I wasn't there, but still my point is, it's not all .

I've learned a lot about myself, and I'm still learning. That's what the Struggle is, a continuous learning process (at least, to put it in a simplified manner). I'm feeling really excited, I think this is a huge step to get my life back on track on this horrible derailing that has been going on for far too long. I'm not only starting to go from AFC (Average Frustrated Chump) to aPUA (aspiring Pick Up Artist), but I'm also transitioning over from frustrated weekend warrior to full time death machine! HAH! It's gotten me really excited! I can't even express how much I now look forward to the future! LOL! I know, I sound like a little kid on Christmas or school girls who just met Elvis back in the 70's!

By the way, starting tomorrow, I'm going to start taking MMA classes. There's somebody who's offering them for free on Merchant Street (right next to the Pub).

Wow.

First finding this book. Then building rapport around the Pub. Now, MMA classes next to the Pub? I'm a busy little bee aren't I? I'm really looking forward to the classes. Now, I'm going to go running, if I think of anything else (which I probably will), I'll write it down.

, I wish I had my iPod, I hate running to the sound of nothing but footsteps and huffing and puffing.



Part 2


And now, I have returned!

I am proud that despite the fact that I had no music, I continued to push myself.

The first thing that came to my mind when I hit the showers was my score.

Geez. Never thought of that one.

In fact, what was my score??

Your score, in PUA terminology (or regular guy talk) is how many women have you slept with.

Wow, I lost count. Actually, I never bothered keeping track in the first place, but now that I think about it, my score is 14, I think. Let me think about it for a bit … Yeah, about 14-15, maybe 16. Not too bad for an AFC, but for someone with my looks and personality i.e. sheer potential, it could be much more. Not that it really matters to me personally. The entire reason I'm learning to be a PUA is so that I can better myself and in the process empower others, if they so desire. Well, how the hell do I better myself by becoming a PUA? It's helping me conquer my deep subconscious fear of women and my subservient nature that had been programmed into my subconscious mind when I was but a child.

Now without further interruption (happens sometimes).

Where was I?

Anyway.

That's the main reason I want to learn how to be a PUA. Of course, learning how to read and influence the opinions and emotions of others is a plus, but I'm in it for self improvement. And honestly, it's great! I feel more confident, aware and wiser. I feel my power growing. I feel stronger. And it is empowering. To know that I can give others the power to adapt and overcome as well as earn their loyalty is a feeling I can't even begin to describe. Sure, promiscuous sex is fun and all, but the emotional connection and confidence I can inspire in others, especially women is the best feeling in the world. Power. That's the keyword. Power. At first, I was so self-centered. There's nothing wrong with being selfish, but being self-centered, I realize, is a self-destructive behavior, believe it or not. There's been a void I've been trying to fill, but it was there all along. It reminds me of this fortune cookie I got several years ago. It said, Stop trying too hard (I think). Happiness is right next to you (that I remember for sure). It was there all along, I just needed to awaken it – to unleash it.

Men and women have the power to better themselves. Now, that power can dilute over time and depending on one's choices. Many people that come around the shelter are beyond that. Some people don't deserve to be given that chance, or have been given so many chances that they don't deserve another. Who is truly the compassionate one here? Remember how I said democracy is doomed to fail? That's because that is the acknowledgment that people are motivated by self interest. This is true. But there leaves too much room for leniency, influence and corruption. Look at the American democratic party. They have turned into eco-socialists. Look at the Republican party. They are Christo-Fascists. Both parties are uncompromising in change of doctrine and unyielding.

People must acknowledge that they are motivated by self interest, but more than that they must seek to find a resolution. A resolution between the classes. A resolution to class conflict. A common goal. To better the state. In turn, this will better everyone else. Be motivated to better themselves, and at the same time better each other. Acknowledge that some people simply lack the ability or willingness to become better. Not everyone is equal, and people need to open their eyes to this fact. Some people just need to accept that they don't want to lead, they simply want to follow. Well, that's fine and dandy. If you want to stay that way, then at least help everyone else, whilst at the same time, serving yourself. Fascism, my friends, is the answer. Not to the extent of Nazism, perhaps even militarism. You can criticize me all you want, but it has existed for thousands of years in some way shape or form, and look at what has been accomplished. Look at Nazi Germany. The economy, culture, military and pride of a single nation was restored in a change of the way people think and the way it was lead. Now, Hitler was an ambitious man, and his methods may have restored a broken nation to their former glory, but it could have been done without some of the acts that he committed and it would have been better off. I'll explain more on this later.

Anyway, back to the subject. Women can be just as frustrated, if not more, than men. However, they have far more support amongst each other (and willingness for support) than men do. Style said it best. Most violent and sexual crimes are committed because of the sexual frustrations of the criminal. Now, that's not to say that they are also guilty, because their teachers and friends failed them. Worst of all, they failed themselves. That's the main reason why I disparage religion especially that of Islam and Christianity and Judaism (I don't know others outside of traditional “pagan” religions to make educated judgments). It creates a sense of guilt, perpetual remorse, unrealistic intolerance and expectations, incompetence and dependence. In other words, a general state of feeble-mindedness and irresponsibility (coincidentally, another failure of *democracy and communism).

Argh! I'm trying not to get side tracked, but I did say I would get back to the subject of politics, didn't I? And we will return to the subject in the future.

*The reason why democracy fails at creating a sense of responsibility and feeble-mindedness, is because of its worship of wealth vs. worth. Greed, self-centeredness and materialism are all perpetuated in democracy and eventually it becomes syndicalism, if it already hasn't been transformed into socialism. Libertarianism is good for creating a sense of responsibility and weeds out the weak, but it creates a lenient attitude towards self-centeredness and self-sabotaging thinking. That is the inevitability of democracy and when the unworthy are chosen to lead, it cannot flourish. Thomas Jefferson had it right. There must be constant revolution to keep libertarianism in check, but if allowed to, it will fail. When principles are no longer being taught to protect the integrity of the state (i.e. democracy's promotion of self-centeredness), it is doomed to fail. You can't trust people to always be honest. That's naïve, and is also doomed to fail. I can't even be trusted to be honest all the time. I try to be, I'll admit that much, but sometimes the mission requires deception. Stalin thought he was great by using deception and creating a “level” playing field for Russians. But really, what did he do? He created a divide between the nation, created a dependence of the populace under the government (irresponsibility), and a high level of corruption against those who swore to protect the people that they serve and follow the principles they swore to uphold. More to come on this later.

Anyway, I've written enough for the day. I feel inspired to continue to write and I will give more later.


End of Journal

[The Last Spartan]

Entry
20 December, 2012

I think today is the day. Despite all the material I've read, and all the tools that have been given to me, I think today is the day where I go on my first sarge. It's a little different during the day time, but that's really my only option, considering that I can't really stay out at night. It's also an advantage, because, for the most part, no one will see me coming. The most dangerous apex predators in the animal kingdom live today because they are strong, but more than that, they are subtle. Animals that bared teeth and simply chased down their prey were quickly outrun and pulled out of the equation, like the T-Rex. He may have been the apex predator of his day, but add a big stinking rock that comes out from space and he's mince meat. Just like early humans and big cats, the strong proved that they can survive, but more than that, the clever proved that they can survive and more than that. They thrived off of guile. Even Sun Tzu stated it best in his book The Art of War.

“All warfare is based on deception.”

The saying could never be more true. Especially when applying that of all is fair in love and war.

As I sit here writing this and reading more on game before I go sarging, I've already been getting IOI's up the yin-yang. And I haven't even done anything! That's a very good sign, I would say. I have to ready myself up and overcome AA – Approach Anxiety (not Alcoholics Anonymous). I still have this lingering fear of approaching someone because I'm afraid I'm going to look like a fool. Well, thinking that way, I will end up looking like a fool, because of that.

Well, just a little more reading, and I'll begin the operation. If I fail (even miserably). Oh well. I tried and I failed. But I will learn from those failures and do better.

You'll hear from me later on in the day.


A life of reaction is a life of slavery, intellectually and spiritually. One must fight for a life of action, not reaction. – Rita Mae Brown
(I saw this when reading material on the Lounge about Day Game. I like it a lot!)

Well, sarging didn't go as well as I thought it would today. It started good, but then it wound up as a failure. If you want more details see the Field Report on the bottom. Well, the good thing is I learned what not to do, and what I need to work on. The more I practice and force myself to adapt, the better I will become.

I also took the MMA classes today. I also learned that I have a lot to relearn and learn in my grappling game.

Tomorrow's another day. Enjoy the field report.


End of Journal

Field Report – Designation 001
Callsign – N/A

So, the first thing I decided to do in the morning was go sarging. The first thing I did was go to Starbucks, check my messages and read a few more tips before going out to build some confidence in myself. It's worth noting that while I was on the bus, I could've talked to a girl sitting in the corner of the back of the bus (who I sat next to). I completely overthought it and overwhelmed myself by going over each and every scenario and in turn, never moved on her. . I'm off to a bad start. So I drop my stuff and head over to K-mart, across the street.

The first girl I sarged actually approached me as a customer and I started by being funny. There's too much I said, but since she was working the jewelry and fragrances I decided to start the conversation by going into a cologne I'd been wanting (BVLGARI – Pour Homme – Extreme) I started receiving IOI's after I continued opening with jokes and she started asking about where I was from, where I graduated high school, etc. Then we started making deep talk about learning from mistakes, sometimes how people generalize, and I did some innocent teasing and she remarked about how I was funny and seemed like I had a good heart. I was in. Even though we were interrupted by customers several times, the conversation carried on, until I felt like I had built enough rapport to ask to exchange contact information. She was willing to meet up again when she had the time, and I gave her my number and email. We bade farewell, but I felt it wasn't enough, so I decided to do a final close by giving her a plain can of green tea and telling her to remember me with it. She joked how she was going to tell all her friends and coworkers just in case I poisoned it, but hopefully she'll remember it, instead of just going back like nothing happened. She was a short little Filipino girl, with a little bit of baby fat (not too much). She was wearing gold earrings, I like to call basketball hoops, and a small nose piercing. She had a round, tapering face, small chin, round, perky nose and almond eyes with no eye shadow but deep eyeliner. All in all, I give her a solid 8 on looks and 8 on personality.

I could already see where I had messed up. I did good, I'll admit that, but I could do better. Much better.

I elected to take notes and evaluate myself on this performance (and the rest of the day as well). I know what I did wrong and I'm going to improve on those areas. Of course, there may have been other things that I did wrong, or could've done better, but I'm flying solo on a day game. It may or may not be the most difficult way of sarging, but that's the only real option I have.

Anyway.

Here's what I wrote.

Do NOT give your information.
Relax. Don't be frantic. Note that I improvised on this by connecting it with humor. I knew I was nervous, so I tried to be funny about it. It worked, but it may not be so all the time.
Build rapport and bring down targets defenses so that she gives her number.
Let the target speak more.
I may have been a little too aggressive.

I thought to myself. Well, I'm on a roll, so why not continue, right? So I decided to first head down to Bishop Square and the Library. Eh. Not too much potential there I thought. Or at least, that's what I was thinking at the time. I don't know, crowds get too confusing sometimes for me to care. Said I liked this one short haired chicks bottlecap earrings, which was cool, I guess. But nothing on the third bus ride, so I tried my luck at Ala Moana Shopping Center – the mother of all sarging locations. But it was different. I knew I had to step up my game, and to do that I had to go out of my comfort zone. My comfort zone being that I was approached or approached women in a working environment. They are supposed to be talked to. So, I had to talk to random strangers and then. Disaster strikes. I got up to the point where AA was so strong that I reached what I call Social Paralysis. This is where my anxiety is so great that I can't even talk to anyone properly. I had to calm myself down, and force myself to do it. So, I decided to talk to an Israeli girl who was working one of the kiosks and ask her how to overcome AA.

She gave me the same answer that everyone else says, just do it. It doesn't matter if you look like a fool or not. And if you do, who the cares? They're not going to remember you next time you see them and you aren't going to remember them either. I was overthinking myself into oblivion. I was grateful for her advice (as well as the tips I've been reading up), but it was much easier said than done. I had to constantly remember the 3 second rule, and slicing as opposed to sharking. There were a couple 2 sets and 3 sets, but I hadn't worked up the balls to even approach individuals, let alone groups, yet. But I was determined. I wasn't going to leave empty handed, whether it be a girls number, or the lasting lessons of my failures. Unfortunately, it would be the latter. Well, I shouldn't say unfortunately, it's all a learning process. I only approached a measly 2 girls and just made small talk with others. I walked by and made eye contact with some 9's and a couple 2 sets and 3 sets. And did nothing, but freeze. . I'm in trouble.

The first girl I noticed was this Asian girl sitting on a chair who had been reading a book for quite some time. So I approached her while she was sitting from the front, and began to inquire about the book. At first she insisted on just going out and finding it, but I wouldn't have it. So, I started grilling her about it and whether she liked it. I couldn't tell if I was getting any IOI's (which I probably wasn't). The one remark I remember that made her laugh was, “Serial killers? I would never suspect someone like you to read material about serial killers.” She found that amusing, but I could tell she was feeling a bit nervous, probably more than I, so I thanked her and left.

I already knew what I did wrong.

First, I was already nervous going in. Women can smell your fear. Secondly, I was also standing and looking over her, while she was sitting with her knees to her chest. I remember this from when I used to be a Kirby salesman. If you are trying to sell yourself, NEVER be in a posture that can be constituted as threatening. By overlooking her, and grilling her with a whole bunch of questions, she felt threatened. And by my anxiety, so too did she become anxious. I lost. And I was beginning to lose momentum and morale.

I ran into Erin (a chick I regularly see at the Pub I go to) and met up with an old buddy back from high school.

I was down and beaten, but mostly by myself, and I continued to kick myself over it. So, I left and walked around sarging different places. A 2 set of goth Asian girls eating in a restaurant, several loners giving me IOI's and walking by, while I stood by like a jackass doing nothing.

I returned to the book store and tried one more time, still getting paralyzed by my own fear. And forced myself to talk to this one girl, probably in her late or mid 20's. Could tell she was a local and was browsing through diaries. So I opened asking her if she wrote journals, she said she was getting some for her sister, so then I showed her some of the other diaries and told her my experience in writing journals (like now) and she was convinced. Same mistakes, I was making, before. I was too anxious and now, I was even trying to hard to get her to stay and talk. So she ended up walking away saying, “Well, you've convinced me to buy one. Thanks! Bye!” in a very uncomfortable and hasty manner.

By then, I had reached my timeline of 1700 and proceeded to RTB. Didn't even bother sarging on the bus ride home. I was exhausted, and burnt out.

If I was going to conquer my own social fears, I had a long road ahead of me. I'll have to continue reading and applying. I may not even be able to do it alone. But I want to, simply out of pride.


Final Performance Score: 5/10

A mediocre performance, and I know I can do better. But it's going to take work.

[The Last Spartan]

Entry
21 December, 2012

It's a mess right now. Everything is a ing mess right now. My bed, my bag, my locker, my life – everything is in complete disarray. No, that's an exaggeration but that's what it sure as feels like. My mind has become my own worst enemy. My arch nemesis. I went to the Pub and sure enough, I felt it. I felt a need to go and sarge. I pregamed at the Pub and went down to the End of the World Block Party. And I failed miserably. It's not even worth writing a Field Report on. My mind had once again become my worst enemy. Even after becoming absorbed in all the material, I had come to a sudden realization. An epiphany. I was not even worthy of being called an aPUA. I was an AFC. The lowest in the hierarchy of the PUA community. And worst of all, it was getting to me.

I couldn't do this alone.

My own sense of pride and fear had battled and my fear won. I could pull a trigger and jump around a hail of gunfire, go toe to toe with a professional MMA fighter, and a bunch of other things. But being a PUA is the greatest challenge I have yet so far. It's different in situations where you are forced to act. Inaction in those types of situations can have dire consequences. I need a mentor, and fast. I don't exactly have all the time in the world, so I need someone to show me the ropes. No. More than that. The way. I was going to get Dragon Lady. There were troves of sets out and about. But the loud and obnoxious music, crowds of drunks and my own fear made me a complete failure today. My short amount of sarging tonight, isn't even worth the effort of writing a Field Report. I had failed miserably. I know it.

The good thing is, it fuels me, it drives me to better myself. I need a mentor.

No. Not a mentor.

A master.


End of Journal

[The Last Spartan]

Entry
December 22, 2012

Well, we're still here. Not that that's a bad thing, but at the same time it's not a good thing either. I was hoping the apocalypse would roll around so that I could have some real fun and test people's true character. Well, normal situations do the same, but to a much lesser extent.

I'm taking a break from the PUA world today, after yesterday. The knowledge of it all and obsession over knowledge that could bring success to a part of my life in which I was a failure for the most part, had made me dysfunctional. I figured that the secrets to the most basic techniques and tactics were no secret at all, however, they were skills that needed to be sharpened much like the firing of a rifle or sketching of an artwork, lest the skills fall into disarray. You don't quite forget them, but if you want to get good at it, you had to work at it.

I was being a try-hard – trying too hard. I was so frustrated and the desire of succeeding in a failed part of my life was so strong that I sabotaged my own efforts.

Yet another lesson learned. But let's not forget. A lesson quickly forgotten, is a lesson poorly learned. Repetition is a key principle to learning any skill well, but repeat it poorly and it becomes a well learned failure. Practice makes better, not perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect. I showed the fountain of knowledge to Nathan, and he's as enthusiastic as I was when I first got into it, but this is a lesson I must convey to him as well. He's far more susceptible to becoming absorbed into something to the point of being consumed than I am.

That's one advantage I know that I have over a lot of people. I'm a fast learner. Willpower can be taught (to a certain extent), much like courage and principles, but intelligence is one of the few things that people either have or they don't. Beauty is a perception, of course, there are general perceptions of what is beautiful and what is not. I'm considered more attractive than most. I have a square jaw, straight nose, moderate, pointed cheekbones, a jutting chin, full lips and tapering forehead – all features that are prominently featured on hero archetypes. But I also have sunken eyes, dark circles, a low brow and a straight mouth – all features of villain archetypes. The eye and mouth area are the focal points of the face, and my face that I am serious, aggressive, hard working and hurt. The hurt is mostly in my eyes. It's mostly because they are dark, low, sunken, and sometimes they even droop – features of someone who has seen a great deal of pain in their life. My eyes look like that of a hawk – they pierce and gleam like someone who enjoys danger and even actively seeks it. My features are intimidating and couple that with a muscular frame of 200 pounds on a 6 foot 1 inch stature, and it's easy to see why most people are afraid of me right off the bat. It's difficult for me to even crack a smile unless I had a real reason to. I don't like to show false emotions, and even my body language says that.

I stand straight, sway my arms freely, take long, calculated strides and tilt my head slightly downwards so that my eyes are close to a glare. The mark of someone who has discipline and aggression. And sometimes I hunch forward as if I'm ready to fight in a moments notice. This is my normal walk – it's almost like marching or stalking even. That's the way I walk when I'm passive. Sometimes when I'm focused I lengthen and speed up my strides and it's the same when I'm angry, but the aura that others feel is different. When I'm on top of the world, I jut my chest outward (as opposed to straight up or leaning forward), swing my arms a little more freely, slow my walk a couple paces per minute, tilt my chin higher and even sway my ass a little when I'm walking. This is my cock walk (I just made that up now by the way). Even my hand writing says the same thing about me. It's sharp, rounded and slightly slanted. Everything about me is very soldierly. It scares off the feint of heart and gleams like sun light to others who like the ferocity and order of a warrior.

I think my own best tip as an amateur aPUA/AFC (and my own worst critic) is that I have to shift my mindset. Instead of going into it as trying to pick up, just go into it as socializing. After all, that's why I'm learning pickup, so I can socialize better. Yes, there is an ulterior motive, but that's not the main reason why I'm learning pickup. I'm learning pickup so I can better myself and to find acceptance. I don't care that much about getting laid. Sure, the thought crosses my mind at least a couple times a day, and I'm just being honest about that, but it doesn't rule me. I had slam the breaks on pickup and say to myself. Whoa. I gotta calm my happy ass down. Take a step back and reassess the situation. That was also another thing I'm really good at, is reassessing. I knew I was overthinking things, and it's in my nature to analyze things. So, instead of using it to undermine my own efforts, I'm going to use it to redouble my efforts in a much more calm manner vice the frantic effort that I was putting into it at first.

It's kinda like ing a virgin, or a chick that likes making love as opposed to ing like wild sex machinery in a love making factory. You gotta take it easy. Even sticking it in, you gotta do slow, or it'll hurt them and possibly ruin your chance at being buddies or even the moment (Yeah, it's happened before).

I had been thinking of a PUA name for a while now. At first I wanted it to be Iceman, because I look like a young Val Kilmer from Top Gun. But a lot of people had already chosen it. I like being first and more than that, I like being the only. First and only is always the best for me. I needed a name to reflect my nature. I'm a fighter by nature, so I figured Soldat. Why not? Soldat, is Russian for soldier, which is ultimately what I am.

A soldier, that is what I am. A follower of the Way of the Warrior. What is the way of the warrior?

Death.

It's as simple as that. The way of the warrior is death. To accept it. Live it. And deal it out.

I've decided to sign up for Mystery's Lounge. I haven't put myself out yet. Nathan wants to go out sarging some time. Perhaps we can wing each other. We may be able to inspire and critique each other, even compete eventually. He's smart, I'm smart. He's good looking (no homo) and so am I. We'll definitely discuss this in detail.


End of Journal

[The Last Spartan]

Entry
January 4, 2013

It's been a while since I've written my last journal. The reason for this being because my laptop is now broken. It slid off my bag, maybe 4 inches off the ground and now the hard drive is damaged. So, to adjust I am now limited to cyber cafes and libraries. I don't know why I find it hard to try and remember the events of days passed. Maybe it's because they held little significance? I did have some journals written down, but they are lost, along with everything else on that hard drive unless I can take it to a shop and get it repaired.

Personally, that makes me angry. Now the only source of information and entertainment I have is now gone. If I could express an exasperated grunt right now by typing, I would! However, you'll just have to deal with bold, italic, underlined or CAPITALIZED text. Man, if this were a conversation, it would sound pretty f-ing wierd right about now.

So, the woman I sarged the other day at the bus stop has stopped responding to my texts, probably because I failed her sh- test. Or it could be for a number of reasons. Dragon Lady also gave away her number the other day. You know, normally I would just dismiss this, but it really destroyed my confidence. That, and also the fact that majority of my friends have fallen from me. That's the problem with someone who is borderline. If you don't know what it is, look it up. Your mood and thoughts change rapidly, and there's no telling what could set it off or how long it will last. Sometimes I can just shrug things off, other times, I explode and sometimes it hurts. Usually it leaves just as quickly as it came. That's my problem, and I have to deal with it, because it won't go away. I can control it for the most part, but when it comes on, I usually have ways of dealing with it. Usually my reply to someone who asks if I'm okay, or what's eating me, is "Don't worry about it." or "I have my own way of dealing with things." And I usually do. One piece of advice from fellow PUAs is that if you have a one-itis problem, pick up another 10 and see if this one is still special. If you have abandoment issues, usually acceptance is the best way to get over it. Just accept that a person is gone. If you didn't try hard enough, do better next time. Of course, if you're borderline, it's a little more ... difficult, to say the least.

Not a lot of people know about it. It's not something I just tell people. It's kind of like coming out of the closet (which I will get back to). Once someone does it, who is surprised, really? Jesus, I've had 3 people that I've known come out of the closet to me! One friend is bi, the other 2 are gay. On one side, I'm not completely surprised, but on the other hand, that explains their behaviors. Wow. Well, the fact that I also told them I'm borderline, doesn't surprise them either. I bring this up, because some of you may be wondering why I act or speak in certain ways, but also why it changes so frequently.

So, there you have it. What will you do now? Could you trust anything I say? Will you simply dismiss it as psychotic rambling?

If anyone here thinks they have a disorder that is beyond them, you are wrong. Going to a therapist and/or taking medication is a short term solution, but even then, it doesn't actually address the problem. I had to completely change the way I look at things. Even now, I'm still trying to unlearn all the wrong things I have been taught or rather forced to learn. Sometimes, we are born with a mental illness. Sometimes, it scars us so deep that we will never be rid of it. But there are good ways of dealing with it, and then there are bad ones.

What do I plan on doing now?

Doing what I always do.

Dust myself off, hop back on the saddle and keep on riding.

I just need a little time and some room to breathe.



End of Journal

[The Last Spartan]

Entry
6 January, 2013


I've done some quite distasteful things in my life. I think we all have. Have you ever done such a thing that it was distasteful that you made the ones experiencing it along side you (or rather the ones giving you the experience) that what transpires does not leave that spot? This is not a melancholic coo of regret. No, simply a statement. Use your brains for chris'sake. It happens even with things you don't regret. However, I regret nothing.

I'm not a fan of Bob Marley (not the man, anyway), but the one thing I like what he said was, "Truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just have to find the ones worth hurting for."

I can't get that god damn woman out of my head. It's hard to forget about someone that you see eye to eye with, especially when you think about things as much as I do. I'm trying to focus on my career again. I still haven't worked up the gall nor do I feel up to going around anymore still.

Not much else to say.

I did pick up Watchmen the other day. Another work by Alan Moore. I rather find it very interesting, along with V for Vendetta. I've never seen the Watchmen movie, but the comic for V for Vendetta was so much better than the movie. Hollywood (or rather majority of writers in general) have a habit of retconning a lot of existing works to suit their own, and wind up diluting the quality of the original material. I've been really absorbed in Watchmen. The characters, setting and dialogue are all unique and they aren't your archtypical heroes, if you can call them that.

I discussed it with other members on the forum in the Other Games forum, I believe.

Writers need to stop being so cliched with their works. And they wonder why they aren't getting the smashing results they expect. Warhammer, and Stephen King are famous because they don't follow the norms. Lord of the Rings, Dungeons and Dragons and Star Wars are famous because they were original, but none of them would exist had it not been for Tolkien.

This good versus evil concept is so outdated and brash, that it doesn't belong in the world. Who's perceptions of good and evil are truly universal? Not everyone shares the same view of good and evil. The truth is, there is no good and evil, only perceptions of what it is. I wouldn't say that I am amoral. I certainly have principles that I strictly abide by, but I specifically believe that different situations should be treated differently so that the result would be the most favorable outcome for all parties involved. We should note, that some parties are so unyeilding that compromise is simply impractical.

But enough of my philosophical mumbo jumbo that I've said a million times.

We'll discuss more later.


End of Journal

[The Last Spartan]

In light of recent events I've decided to write a free verse poem. Nothing fancy here just something I feel.

I don't have a name for it but the words speak for themselves.

How does one measure heartache?
Is it measured penny pound?
Or is it measured hundredfold?
Even then how does it heal?
A single teardrop belies the meaning it conveys.
A single teardrop can usher an untold joy,
Or it can herald that of despair.
How can something so small,
Carry so great a meaning,
It dwarfs that from which it was beheld?
How does one mend a single broken heart?
A single drop it is.
A drop that fell through the cracks and furrows of a heart.
A heart no matter how tempered
Shatters like glass
It cracks like a goblet
Slipped from the palms of that who feels its cry
A teardrop belies its true purpose
No words can express its true depth
That itself shares its meaning
A lifetime of heartbreaks
Trumped only by the time in which it takes to mend
Be it penny pound
Or hundredfold

I still don't have a name for it, but it's beautifully tragic. I'll explain later but I think you get th gist of how I feel at this moment.

[The Last Spartan]

Entry
11 January, 2013

Not much has happened since I last wrote. I started going to Crossfit. Got a hook up from an old friend and considering the price, how could I refuse? I had really high expectations for the class and it did not disappoint; which is more than what I can say for other things, but after the class (on Monday) I snapped out of my spell of melancholy and started working out again. Now, I feel great! Crossfit and jiujitsu (which was also free, by the way) during the week and couch surfing at a friend of a friends house make time much more enjoyable. Now, Gracie Jiujitsu is not really my cup of tea, but it is a martial art nonetheless and the fitness and time put in do wonders.

I've also gotten a spur of inspiration to work on my science fiction story (which I still haven't come up with a name yet). I've gotten the general backdrop and setting, as well as several characters and a couple chapter synopses in. So far, I have 8 acts and I'm currently working on number 9. Now, let's not get hasty. I've only gotten the general outline of each, but I'll work on the actual events when I have the means to do so. Acts 1-3 are all a narrative premise, much like The Second Genesis of the Animatrix. The story itself is a military, post-apocalyptic, cyberpunk, space opera (lol) packed with action, dark comedy, noire, politics and accounts of the personal struggles of every character, large and small. I'll be posting it in the appropriate thread in the Writer's Study, so check it out!

A little bit about my struggles, as of late. A couple days ago I received word that Yuki was seen with another man out in town a couple days ago. Now, don't get this twisted, I wasn't spying on her, or anything outrageous like that. An associate has seen me with her before, and I told him about "us" (for lack of better words). I thought I was over her, but apparently, I wasn't. I texted her to find out if it was true, but she didn't know what I was talking about. Apparently, she was on her flight to leave and as I texted the plane was about to take off. I don't know if it was all true or not, but I didn't even get to explain myself or even give a proper farewell and confession. I simply said, "goodbye". The worst way to bid farewell to the one you love the most (or anyone close for that matter) is not with a bang, but with a whimper.

It was heartbreaking.

Lately, I just haven't felt well. I haven't been feeling confident or achieved. After going back to jiujitsu and taking up Crossfit, however, I felt much better afterwards. Couch surfing and being away from this rotten s!hole is definitely comforting as well. As cliched as it sounds, life goes on. No, there has to be a better way to say it. "Life goes on." just doesn't hit home for me. I'll come up with it some other time. Now, I have to worry about fees that need to be paid, and the lack of work is taking its toll. That and I;m still not up to sarging anyone lately. I think, partially, it has more to do with "switching gears" psychologically to focus on my career, as opposed to broadening my social spectrum. Nothing wrong with that, I guess. Think of it this way. What's more important: chasing tail, or your career? Some people make it their career to chase tail. I get that. Building social skills is important as well, but there are bigger things than me that have to be accomplished with the utmost diligence and competence. I have a feeling, though, that once the dust settles, I will be actively seeking others to share my experiences with. Nothing wrong with that, it's simply human nature. We are social animals by evolution and it has helped us to survive. Survival, however, is just not enough. We thrive. We adapt. We progress. People forget that, especially when they are constantly being deceived and deceiving themselves into thinking otherwise. Living simply to survive is what animals do - animals incapable of higher thinking and that's what people allow themselves to be reduced to. Does it make them animals? No. Worse. It makes them lower than animals, because they have the power and the capability to do better, yet they refuse to.

Anyway, that's all I have to say for now.

Things will become better in the days to come.

I demand it.



End of Journal

[The Last Spartan]

Entry
22 Jan, 2013

It's been a long time since I've updated my journal. I haven't really been feeling up to it. I've begun writing a book on my scifi story that I've been working on. So far, everyone who has read it is really excited at the material I've written. Gramps thought it was an actual book when I showed him some pages of the first draft. He asks me, "What's the name of it? Where can I download it?" Then I tell him, "I haven't finished writing it, yet."
"Shut the hell up! Really?"
"Yeah! :3"

LOL

*sigh*

Well, last week I went to MEPS, hoping that I could get sworn in, but hit yet another snag in the paperwork. Hopefully, that will all get sorted out today, or sometime this week. I don't know why, but I haven't really felt that anything is worth writing. I mean, I went to Waikiki beach, it's crummy as . I go to Crossfit and Jiujitsu during the week. I haven't been feeling up to pick up lately.

Maybe the lack of income is getting to me? Probably, I'd say. The lack of a lot of things are getting to me, and even fun and active things like Crossfit and MMA just aren't enough. It might also have something to do with the fact that my friend, who is an Asian guy that's waaay smaller than I am, and not as good looking is getting all the chicks, and I'm left with jack ! WTF!? I'm better than him in every other aspect, and why the is he getting all the babes and I'm left with the goddamn, babushkas!?!? I'm doing all the right things. I'm being funny, confident, interesting, intelligent and constantly changing strategies to adapt and overcome - so what the am I doing wrong!? At this point, I don't even think it's me, I think it's more my environment. I mean, I know I'm intimidating, but I put a big stupid smile on my face and walk around like I don't have a damn thing to worry about!

I think the people here are just spineless. I know it's fairly common for an attractive woman to deliberately avert eye contact to a person they find attractive, but come on now. That seems more like a result of their own insecurities and fears. That, I don't like. The way I see it, is that if you don't even have the gall to look me in the eye, then you are simply not worthy. I don't care how beautiful a woman is. I have more important things to focus on, than some dumb broads on the street.

I apologize if there are any females reading this. You must understand, my sexual frustrations are deeply rooted and unresolved. As a result, I focus almost strictly on my success in other fields. That and I've developed a very cynical attitude towards women. Let's be clear on this, though. I am NOT a mysoginist. I love women, don't get me wrong, but I hate them too. Just like a lot of other things. As contradicting as that seems, it's more of certain aspects that I love about women, and other aspects that I hate. You can't truly appreciate (or depcreciate) something without seeing all aspects and perspectives. That goes for anything: artwork, literature, politics, philosophy, etc.

Anyway, I just wanted to throw that out there.

I just want to get the off this god forsaken rock and onto the battlefield.


End of Journal

[The Last Spartan]

Entry
25 Jan, 2013

Big news today. At long last, after months of toil, rejection, obstacles and hard work - I finally have the date that I am leaving.

April 24th.

Finally!

Throughout the entire time, it was as if some force was doing everything in its power to try and stop me. Even this morning, when all seemed lost for another week, we prevailed! They say, third time is a charm. This would be the 3rd time in the past six months, that I had gone to MEPS.

My friends that are gay are starting to become bold, perhaps even attached to me. They're giving out IOI's and are beginning to flirt with me. I don't like it. Not one bit.

Now, I have to survive and prepare for the day I leave. I have to find some sort of income so that I can still have a roof over my head, my storage unit, and cell phone. Just as well, I must train harder and more frequently.


End of Journal

[The Last Spartan]

Entry
2013, Feb 4

I am exhausted right now. Not really much I can do about that. I got kicked out of the shelter last Thursday because I wasn't able to pay the "program fee". It was stupid because I asked for an extension and wasn't warned when they exited me. I was injured and have been short on work. When I aid they were telling me that it was for January even though it was the end of the month Iand I couldnt pay the next day for February because I would still owe them for both months even though I already payed. So, I stayed at an old friends house over the weekend. We caught up on a lot of things and I was disappointed to learn that he hasn't changed one bit. His persona, or his situation. He got angry at me when I told him I didn't care about picking up married women. He said it would catch up to me some day, the typical karma lie, and that it was a single's responsibility not to act on taken women. No such responsibility exists unless it is self imposed. It is the responsibility of the individual not to give in to temptation/outside influence unless they have reached a compromise or willfully and knowingly cheat. After all, I don 't care. I get what I want and it's not my fault that they lack the discipline to stay with the partner they have sworn to stay faithful to. If a person knows that they can't stay with one person, they shouldn't have taken upon themself in the first place. If you can't hold your spouse or yourself accountable or keep your partner interested, then it would only be a matter of time until the other half ventures to find their own form of satisfaction. Naturally, he didn't take too kindly to what I had to say. I would have pushed the issue, but I didn't want to provoke the person that was providing for me at the time. So, with discipline, I stayed my tongue, but he won't hear the last of that issue or others. He knew it was true, and he was just living a lie. The same could easily be said about his prospecting business, in which I took part of years ago. He wants to believe in it, but he doubts it, especially since he is not acheiving the results he could potentially have. I'm simply being realistic. Stay true to yourself and all shall become clear. I'll be on orders for the next couple weeks, so I will have food, shelter and a job.

Stay frosty.


End of Journal