I always find it a joy to write and express myself on a place that has a lot of like minded people. I can say that I have been on the Total War Center forums since Rome Total War first came out. I want to say that's the beginning of the forum but even I don't know that. I'm thankful for the opportunity I have to express myself at any given time, especially when there's no one around in person to support me in dark times. That, in and of itself, is fairly common... Well, for me anyway. Right now I sit in my barracks, and it is only a couple days until I get processed to go to active duty. Not in the Marines, like everyone else thinks, but into the Army. As I sit here waiting with nothing much else to do with my time, I wonder. How did it come to this? For those of you who have been following me for the past couple of months, you will know what I have been trhough. I have lost my job, I lost my house, I felt the early effects of starvation, I rejected my false family for the wrongs they have done to me and severed all contact with them. They aren't my family anyway, I'm not related to them, I found. Through therapy, I have unlocked suppressed memories that revealed that they weren't even my real family. I have drawn a colorful picture through all the suppressed memories, dreams and encoding. My foster mother was a very manipulative person, so it doesn't surprise me at all that this had surfaced At one point, I had even lost my sanity and several times I had come close to losing my life.

I'm writing this as a declaration. I'm putting my old life behind me, and looking forward to a new, better life. Living in Hawaii was... difficult, to say the least. I have met people here that I trust(ed) with my life, and I will never forget them, but I will never forget the years of anguish and suffering that have torn a hole in my heart. I had done everything under the sun from drugs, clubs, promiscuous sex, alcoholism and violence. By rights, I should be dead, but I've come to terms with the fact that it's just hard to kill me. Hah! I couldn't even kill myself! I have tried! It was a long and arduous journey that I both love and resent. I resent for the years of torture that it has wrought to me, but ... at the same time I love it for the hardship has opened my eyes. I see the world for what it is, and live no facades. I see the truth and both the beauty and foulness of everything. I have become more powerful than I could have ever previously dreamed of! And now, I am at the end of a long road. I am no longer living in the bastion of worthlessness that I had once lived.

Monday, I go back to MEPS. I'm not a raw recruit. No. I'm a 4 year veteran. Not seasoned in combat experience, I have had plenty of that training and still have more to come. No, I am seasoned in LIFE. I know, it sounds really f---ing corny, but that is what it is. Why I have to process as a recruit, when I am clearly 4 years prior service is beyond me. Beuracracies make no sense. I'm sure the person who invented it had well enough intentions to protect from the falsehoods of the commonfolk, but it has been taken to a level that is quite literally self-defeating. A lot of people ask, "Why transfer from the Marines to the Army?" There's a lot of reasons. I think that the Army will offer benefits and career advancement that the Marines do not offer. I also know that the guys in the Army that belong there are smarter. No, I'm not talking about the idiots who are right out of highschool. Most Marines are just meatheads - lots of muscle, but no brain. The mentality of the Marine Corps is just one that just irks at me endlessly. Marines are taught to be confident, no. They are taught to be arrogant. To be overconfident to the point where it clouds reason. I'm not saying, don't be confident, no, not at all. I'm saying be reasonable. I also feel like no matter where you go in the Marines, no matter how hard you work, you will be treated like s---. It's like it's a requirement to be treated like dirt. True, there are people in leadership positions who are unreasonably aggressive towards their coworkers and underlings and this easily rubs off on people and they pass it on. And finally, above all the little tidbits (which I could continue naming) the last note I have is the attitude of the Marine Corps doctrine is set for failure. We live in an age where there are no longer front lines and armies fighting in combat like World War 2. I feel like we are doing more work for less and the Corps is not willing to adjust to 4th Generation Warfare. Yes, they do open fighting and they do it very well, but that's not what warfare is. Not any more at least... We are seeing warfare shift from open fighting to using subterfuge, and manipulation. Very soon, things like tanks will be obsolete. Maybe, I'm just using all of these as an excuse? Maybe, I just don't want to be in the Marines? Hell, I don't care. I just want to do what I am good at, and that's being a warrior. Sure, I could do a lot of things good, with which I am passionate about as well, but being a soldier comes first and foremost.

Now, I'm eating a chicken pot pie that a friend of mine gave to me before he left. I have one other TV dinner and a cup of noodles. Which should get me through until Monday. I just wish I had some cigarettes and didn't have to stay in the small barracks we used to stay in. On an interesting note relating to that, all of these buildings, save for the headquarters building have been condemned for quite some time, apparently. I guess the unit just doesn't have the kind of money to fix these places up. I thought the barracks I'm staying in right now was bad? No, the barracks I used to stay in, is in complete disarray. It hasn't been used for over a year now. And because there are so many people coming over, I can't stay in this one. Now, if you're wondering what's going on. I've been homeless for the past couple weeks. I was actually sleeping outside for a couple days, until a friend of mine brought me to the reserve barracks. I'm very impatient, because I've been waiting to go to active duty for a very long time, and it had to take for me being homeless to be that push for those ers wearing shinies to hurry their asses up! I'm very eager to go to active duty. I want to get off this god-forsaken, s----y rock and get the pay that I deserve with a job that I will enjoy.

On that, I hope you enjoyed reading. It's time that I close this chapter in my life and look forward to the new age.