I considered "Its Five Good Emperors for a Cocky (expletive) but that would be both rude and ruinious to the alliteration.
First of all, the torture referred to is not a slur against the mod for Roma Surrectum; rather it is a reference to the difficulty of this mod, which to add to the fun, I will be playing on hard mode. To give an idea as to why I'm not feeling too confident, I'm intending to do this blind. That is, I have never played Five Good Emperors before, and while I am a single player veteran of Rome Total War, I am still prone to making stupid, overconfident mistakes; to add to the fun, I never really got to grips with Alexander. And this mod is, apparently, one of if not the hardest mod out there. To add to this, I will be imposing the following restrictions upon myself.
1) I am not allowed to enslave or exterminate opposing factions towns. I have to be uncharacteristically nice as a Roman conqueror.
2) I have to follow the historical course of the 2nd Punic War; that is, I am not allowed to crush Carthage outright. Once I have them on the ropes, I have to sue for peace and give back Africa; I am only allowed to take Spain and the Balaeric Islands! (I am allowed to take African towns as long as I give them up once the war is done.) That means I still have Carthage to worry about even after the 2nd Punic War ends. To add to this, I have to maintain the peace for at least twenty years (I reserve the right to go to town on Carthage if they break the truce first!)
3) I have to (if physically possible) keep all towns happy (105% or higher Public Order) at all times. If this means keeping horribly large garrisons in my towns, well then, I should've planned my conquest timing better shouldn't I?
4) ROMANS DO NOT SURRENDER! I am not allowed to try to sue for peace if I am losing a war; I must carry a war to the bitter end, just as the historical Romans did. So half the world is at war with me and I'm 80,000 denarii in debt; what of it? Rome is destined to conquer the world! And if we must do it all at once then we shall! Next (and this is the restriction I most hate...)
5) No Autoresolve or Blitzkrieging! (Oh God...) Normally blitzing early on to gain money to develop my empire is my modus operandi. And normally I could do this... if only I could use siege engines. Alas, nay, I am not allowed to do this as I am following the house rules advice; I am not allowed to do this and I have to let those autostacks form! This will turn every attempt at expanding my territory into a long and bloody assault on a well-prepared town.
6) I have to use the general with the highest influence, not the highest command! This reflects the Romans tendency to pick those who had the best connections, rather than skills. So expect to see a lot of popular dunderheads leading my army. It may also deprive me of my best leaders. I'd also cycle my generals realistically but that's sort of hard to do if I'm in Spain and it takes a year to get a general out there.
7) When mobilising to attack (not emergency defence) I have to use realistic style legions, as mentioned in the house rules. For pre-marian reforms, that's eight Polybian cohorts, four Triarii, 2-4 units of cav and 2-4 units of velites. I can, if I want, make a half stack of four polybian and 2 triarii, but this caps the number of cav and velites I can recruit to 2 each. I can recruit up to four units of mercenaries for full armies and two for half but this halves my cavalry and velites (and is vewy vewy expensiwb.)
And finally, I will be getting judged while undergoing this ordeal as well! I will be reporting the squalor levels and happiness of my settlements each and every turn I complete, and you, my audience, will be judging me on how well I am doing (or how badly I am screwing up) on the home front! Also taking into account the military situation/how badly I am getting mauled, audience members can rate every ten years on how I am doing as a ruler of men on a scale of zero to ten, ten being a new Augustus and zero being the lovechild of Nero and Caligula with some Tiberius thrown in for added paranoia and depression.
I will hopefully be back with the first update tomorrow. I've... yet to work out screenshots so this will be a text-only AAR I'm afraid. You'll just have to visualise how badly I'm getting slaughtered.
I'll entertain any reasonable extra restrictions the audience suggests. I'm not conquering the map with one unit. Or one army for that matter.