Prologue: Galadriel's wedding ring Prologue: Galadriel's Wedding Ring.
I amar prestar aen.
My husband has changed.
Han mathon ne nen.
I feel it when he touches me.
Han mathon ne chae.
I feel it when we sleep together.
A han nostron ned wilith.
And he smells funny.
Our once hedonistic relationship is lost.
For he didn't remember our last wedding anniversary.
It began with the forging of the great rings.
Three were given to the Elves. One ended up in the sky, one in the sea and one was thrown into a fiery pit.
Seven to the dwarf lord who due to recent wars with Easterlings decided that polygamy was legal.
And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of men who sold them to the Ringwraiths as they weren't yet accustomed to using rings as a wedding gift and above all else were - and still are - even more greedy than those polygamous Dwarves.
For each of these rings became a collector's item the moment they came out.
The Witch King had fallen for the rage and none of the other black-hooded wraiths would let him be the only one with a ring, so each of the Nine bought one.
But they were, all of them, deceived; for another ring was made.
In the land of Lorien, in the Elven Laments Café, my husband Celeborn sent an E-mail towards Celebrimbor.
And in this E-mail he poured his cruelty, his malice and asked when that pre-paid ring he ordered five hundred years ago would finally be delivered.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them!
One by one, the free lands of Middle-earth would fall to the power of my promised wedding ring!
Prologue: The sack of Eregion and Elrond's burden. Prologue: The Sack of Eregion.
But there was one who resisted my justified claim on all of Arda.
For Sauron disguised as the Lord of the Gifted marched to Khazad-Dûm.
He convinced the polygamous Dwarves that the Elves of Eregion had made a tool to enlarge your Anduril by 22% (0.95 CI).
And on the noxious, Air-Wick perfumed, slopes of Eregion the Longbeards fought for the freedom of Middle-earth, their faith and the right to enlarge their Anduril!
Victory was near for the Elves, but the lust of the Dwarves could not be undone.
It was in this moment that Durin III, son of King Durin II and far nephew of Durin IV took up his father's giant mace nicknamed Dîm (because Dûm was patented) and whacked it into Galadriel's Vodoo-Barbie doll, instantly killing half of the Elves on Middle-Earth.
In Eregion the Dwarves only found a ring. Disappointed, for the Dwarves already had 7 rings, the ring was traded with Isuldur in exchange for a crate of condoms.
More on Dwarven culture: polygamy requires safe methods of sexual intercourse. Sexual intercourse implies that an Anduril is shoved into a sheath. Other methods have been described, but are generally not recommended for inexperienced users.
Isildur was pierced by arrows after winning a chess match versus Elrond. Before he fell, he had thrown the ring into a stream with his left hand, made a rude gesture with his right middle finger and shouted a curse to Elrond which I will not utter here...
History became legend, legend became myth, and for two-and-a-half thousand years, Elrond tried to destroy the evidence.
Until, when all witnesses had died of completely natural causes such as venomous snakes in their bed, sudden explosions and flying knives that had accidentally crossed their path, he finally got rid of it.
An Inn Orange An Inn Orange.
There was me, that is Aragorn, and my four droogs, that is Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, and we sat in the Prancing Korova trying to make up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening. The Prancing Korova sold milk-plus, milk plus vellocet or synthemesc or athelas, which is what we were drinking. This would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence.
We first met an old barkeeper. If there is one thing I can't stand then it's an old smelly barkeeper.
After hitting him up with a good old smash on his face, we decided to stay here for the night.
We came across Witchyking Witchyboy and his droogs who planned to do some of the good old in-out, in-out on sleeping folk while screaming out loud cries.
When we heard the guardsmen we left the scene and on our horses headed east, what we were after now was the old Wheatertop. Soon it was trees and dark, my hobbits, and we played hogs of the road occasionally hitting a squirrel or two.
Secrets of the polygamous Dwarves Secrets of the Polygamous Dwarves.
After escaping Elrond’s doom-prophecy session and evading some angered wraiths, the Fellowship finally reached the Misty Mountains. And so our brave warriors ventured into Moria, once a great city of the polygamous Dwarves. Yet now inhabited by sexually dimorph creatures known as the Goblins who serve as slaves for a ferocious creature commonly known as Durin’s Bane.
There has long been a controversy on when exactly they entered this region. However, a consensus has been reached in 2001 at the annual Tolkien Meeting. They concluded that the Fellowship must have entered the mountains several days before they left them.
Anyway, after taking the Stairs of Endless Pain and crossing the Hall of Torture the Fellowship turned right. Charon took our heroes over the River of Death and so they reached the other shore, unfortunately with empty pockets as Greeks are even better in soaking up large amounts of money than Jews are.
At last they reached the pinnacle of the Dwarven civilization. All stood in awe when the smell of ale lead them towards Khazad-dûm's Irish Pub. Gimli’s hatred toward’s the Golbins grew as the ale treasure chamber had been plundered and the casks desecrated. He knew what had to be done. This zero-tolerance monster, Sauron had to be put to the axe!
As the prophecy had foretold many centuries ago Gimli asked his friends to remain in the Great Halls while he would consult the ancient Dwarven wisdom of old in the dreaded Second Hall on the Left. A brave act knowing that not only the drunken spirits of the Dwarves, but also the Durin’s Bane resided there.
He made his way through the dense fog and reached the Altar. On the Altar lay a book that had been written by his forefathers and his forefathers’ forefathers so old that even Aulë had written down his knowledge in it. The Kamah-Sûtra was its name and by curse only the King of all polygamous Dwarves could reveal its secrets. Gimli could thus not open the book, but deemed it important as ever since the Dwarven Kings lost access to it, the Dwarven population has been dwindling away.
But it was not the book he was after. He searched for a lesser tool which nevertheless held great power. It would show them the way into Mordor. Moreover, the tool had to be kept out of reach of the feminists. Would it ever reach their hands, men would lose all power over women. It threatened the only wisdom men ever had, the only thing that women could only envy: the power of correctly reading a map. Yes, this GPS was made by the very first feminist herself and her voice could still be heard through it, guiding the way as long as the batteries lasted. Smuggled out of Lothlorien by Celeborn, Galadriel has been looking for her creation even since. It is said that as long as men hold it, the male species will never fall.
Suddenly Durin’s Bane blocked the way out of the room as Gimli attempted to leave with the GPS. Indeed Durin’s mother-in-law had long been a prominent member in Galadriel’s evil cult. She however knew that the fate of Middle-Earth depended on finding Mordor and that without the GPS there could be no victory over the darkness. Therefore she allowed Gimli to pass, but demanded a promise in return...
Durin’s Bane: Would thy ever become King of all polygamous Dwarves, thy shall swear to implement following laws ere I step aside. Female Dwarves shall be allowed to dress as they see fit and their husband will cover the expenses.
Gimli: Mithril isn’t that abundant and prices are prone to inflation!
Durin’s Bane: Silence! Women shall not be raped as men see fit…
Durin’s Bane: … and shall not be forced to shave their beards surrounding their sheath! Leave and be bound to your oath!
Little could Gimli foresee the consequences which are still felt today. He had the oath carved in the caves of Helm’s Deep. The Rohirrim couldn’t read the Dwarven runes very well and humans believed for centuries that female Dwarves had a beard. Not wholly false as they had a beard, yet below the girdle.
Arwen's bra Arwen's Bra.
At the Black Gate
Aragorn: Let the Lord of the Black Land come forth! Justice will be done upon him.
About one day and a half later
Producer: Enlarge his eyes, wait no; enlarge his mouth, yes bingo! Now put on that silly hat! No it hasn't got openings for your eyes, but it looks wicked.
Half a day and lots of collisions later
Mouth of Sauron: My master Sauron the Great bids thee welcome.
Gimli: Pizza with salted pork extra please.
Aragorn: He must leave this land, crucify all orks, ...
Theoden: ..., re-saw crops and plant potatoes.
MoS: Hold your tongues as I have a token I was bidden to show thee!
Meanwhile in a galaxy far, far away...
Dart Vader: Luke, I am your father. <author's note: this is a frequent misquotation>
Luke: Oh cock!
Back at the Black Gate
MoS: Here is the token that was bidden to show thee.
Peppin: Frodo's T-shirt?
Aragorn: Arwen's bra?! I must have lost it when falling off that cliff.
Legolas: I gave it back to you.
Aragorn: No that was Éowyn's.
Meanwhile at Rivendel
About fifty years earlier
Aragorn: You cannot give this to me.
Arwen: I can give it to whoever I want, just like my heart.
About fifty minus ten years earlier
Elrond: Arwen, why don't you wear a bra like every elf maiden?
Arwen: Eh, they stole it.
Smeagol: Yesss, they stole it from usss.
Faramir: What did they steal?
Galadriel: Arwen's bra.
Elrond: How did you three get into Rivendel?
Elrond: Oh, OK. Well who stole it?
Galadriel: We don't know.
Galadriel: Got pierced by arrows ages ago because you lost a chess game versus him.
Galadriel: No, I control his actions with my mirror.
Elrond: Poor fellow. Legolas?
Galadriel: He's gay.
Back at the Black Gate
Aragorn: Where did you find this bra, MoS?
MoS: I don't know who gave me this bra, it isn't in the script.
Aragorn: Anything else that you have to say before I turn you into a piñata?
MoS: Silence you lazy Mexican! My master can look through clothing with his eye and he wishes you to know that he enjoyed himself dearly watching at Arwen.
Aragorn: That jealous, perverted half-god of yours!
MoS: He also saw you and Eowyn having...
Aragorn suddenly swinged a baseball club towards the MoS who suceeded in shouting "You lazy good-for-nothing Mexican ..." before he was beheaded like a piñata. Amost simultanously a troll muttered something about an akward helmet-encoated head heading his way, while Gimli was running in a square pattern shouting "Home-run!" until the troll's lower belly 'catched' the projectile.
Aragorn: Oh, drifted away a bit haven't we, where was I? Yes, yes: Let the Lord of the Black Land come forth! Justice will be done upon him.
The end of feminism! The End of Feminism!
At the Black Gate
An awesome scene precedes this part. An orc who had managed to grab the bra got eaten by twenty-two Morgul rats. Four nazguls; however, were able to snatch the bra and return it towards the Dark Lord. He orders to bring this valuable red-dyed object with flowery pattern to a secret, evil place, better known as 'the Dreaded Corner for Lost Objects'!
Legolas: You lost it again! Arwen is going to be so mad at you!
Gandalf: You can’t sell this to Arwen… Declare war to Mordor and fulfil your destiny!
Aragorn: Sons of Gondor! Of Rohan! Gay elf and polygamous dwarf! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when our wives finds out the truth, when they start using mirrors to track our movements, but it is not this day… An hour of feminism and shattered pride when the Age of Men comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!
Meanwhile in a galaxy far, far away...
Darth Vader: Luke, what are you waiting for?
Producer: He’s changing the batteries, give the kid a moment! Why did I hire this studio next to Lord of The Fcking Fags anyway, their noisy is ruining our takes. I'm telling you, their film is going to suck! They'd better go record in Disneyland based on the script I've seen. Orcs, gay people with big pointy ears, oversexed pygmees... The only thing good in it are the female actors and they didn't even shoot one nude scene...
Back at the Black Gate
Theoden: The Horn of Helm will sound in the deep …
Random Soldier1: We left it at Helm’s Deep.
Theoden: … Well you go get Helm’s Horn! As I was saying. Helm’s vuvuzela will sound in the deep one last time!
Soldier2 with a keen intrest in self-preservation: Mylord, Helm’s deep is only a two-year march from here. Let us wait untill Soldier1 returns. Or even better. I shall go aid him with his noble quest.
Soldier3: What are they talking about?
Soldier4: They are talking about some Evil Lord of Doom.
Soldier5: I think it’s about a bra.
Soldier6: Nonsense it’s about crops, it’s harvest season.
Theoden: ... Spears shall be shaken, shields shall be splintered! A sword day... a red day... ere the sun rises!
Soldier4: No it’s not!
Merry: The mushrooms!
Soldier3, 4, 5 and 6: YES, that’s it!
Theoden: ... Death!
All soldiers except for Soldier1, 2 (who left the scene earlier) and 11 (who wasn’t paying attention): WTF?!?
Soldier5: So we’re fighting to die?
Aragorn: For our freeeedoooomm! Charge!
And in front of the Black Gate, Helm’s bagpipe was blown and lightening sprouted from Theoden’s ass. Or Gandalf’s sword. The scene was too crowded and the sky was so dark that even a giant, lidless eye wouldn’t see a thing.
Oaths you have taken! Oaths You Have Taken!
At the Black Gate
Pippin: Is there any hope for Frodo, Gandalf, now that Sam apparently isn’t gay?
Gandalf: There was never much hope, just a fool’s hope. Maybe Legolas will turn on hobbits. Legolas, what do your elf eyes see?
Legolas: They are taking the hobbits to Isengard! ...
Gandalf: That’s the right direction!
Legolas: … and they are about to get eaten by a larger breed of uruks. Wait…
Meanwhile somewhere around an active volcano that is known for destroying Pompey and advertisements for Lay’s Oven Baked.
Eomer: Look! The band of uruk-hai we’ve been tracing for half a year!
The uruks were swiftly run down and their heads put upon steaks as a warning to all cruel creatures that these civilized people will not allow unauthorized walking or running upon their grassy plains. The hobbits kindly asked for directions and hitch-hiked to the entrance of the volcano. Eomer then heard Helm’s bagpipe, said goodbye to the hobbits and rode to the aid of Theoden. One orc, however, had witnessed the events and went to inform Sauron!
Meanwhile in Isengard
Uruk messenger: Eternal leader, some Greenpeace activists have gathered in front of the Orthanc! Disguised as trees!
A bearded, old man with a multi-colored robe was swinging a wooden joystick while looking into the plantir, a round object, filled with saké. He referred to himself as Saruman of many colors, though some uruks preferred The Mad or The Tasteless.
Saruman: Be quiet! I’ve almost captured Helm’s deep! That’s level 40. You will never reach that level lowly maggot. Now begone! Aaargggh! FUBAR! My army is routing and my horn is on cool-down!
Saruman hadn’t always been like that, but since Gandalf broke his previous joystick he was now filled with hatred. It is said that his PlayStation was destroyed when GAIA ruined his industrial paradise, but that Saruman himself was able to escape. He would have gone to the Shire to smoke weed. In 3268, he got killed by his imaginary friend, “Wormtongue”.
Meanwhile in Barad-Dûr
Orc: So we’ve found two hobbits with a magical ring and a mild obesity, thus increased cardiovascular risk. They were saved by twenty riders who were dressed in green suits. They are now heading for the Morannon!
Sauron: Hobbits with a ring… Camouflaged Rohirrim who entered my realm unseen… Uruks that were running towards Isengard… Do you think I’m stupid! Begone before I let you run to Isengard barefooted and with a kick-me post-it on your back!
Back at the Black Gate
Eomer: Now is the hour, Riders of Rohan, oaths you have taken! Fulfill them all! For crops and grassland!
Back at Barad-Dûr
Orc: I told you …
Sauron: Shut up! Twenty riders threaten my billion orc-horde!
Orc secretary: Calling Darth Vader, but he doesn’t picks up his cellphone. His batteries are probably low.
Sauron: Enough! Send in the fellbeasts!
Back at the Black Gate
Eomer: Forget those oaths! Run for the hills!
Valar: Oh, playing it like that, Sauron? Release our deus-ex-machina! That will teach him.
A flock of giant eagles emerged from the sky. The largest and wisest among them would be Aldor, had he not flown too close to the sun in the first era. He had crashed down at high speed, without a functional parachute and landed right into Morgoth’s left eye. The other eagles thought he wanted to save Fingolfin’s body from further desecration and thus honored their albeit crazy, but occasionally witty, fellow bird for his act of courage and self-sacrifice.
Unexpected Appearances Unexpected Appearances.
Lets first give you a small overview of the battle so far. The eagles and winged Nazgul were chasing each other in the sky. Theoden was still ranting about crops and Helm’s Vuvuzela while Eomer was making a tactical retreat. Meanwhile the soldiers were reading the New York Times or got their shiny plate armor pierced by the butter knifes the orcs carried.
Our heros were killing about twenty orcs every five seconds. Many orcs even fell before the struck had landed. Each arrow Legolas fired pierced at least five orcs before coming to a halt and trolls were turned into stone as Gandalf used the inbuilt pointer of his staff. Yet Mordor’s host was vast and the battle went on for hours…
Suddenly everyone halted. They heard a strange voice, booming across the plains.
Sauron: Aragorn, son of a and heir of Isuldur, as it’s currently going nobody is getting his tea pause on time.
Gandalf: A wise argument. I need a smoke as well.
Aragorn: I call for a battle of four chosen warriors. Two dudes from your host and two of mine. We shall choose in the fashion of 1221 as in the days of old. I pick first and there are no cwb (clan war belt) rules. Agreed?
Sauron nodded annoyed and Aragorn threw a white-red sphere on the ground which opened itself by a still unknown mechanism. (Presumably because he pushed that button which is assumed to work like the pin of a grenade. )
Aragorn: Leo… I choose you!
All of a sudden a giant humanoid who seems to have taken an overdose of steroids strives forward out of the small object. After kicking an orc off the continent, spearing the ear of a troll five miles away he presented himself with the words “THIS IS SPARTAAAA!”.
Aragorn: Your turn. Xerxes isn’t allowed.
Sauron muttered something and ordered his secretary to deliver the following message:
Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul,
Ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.
Meanwhile in a galaxy far, far away...
Dart Vader: Trade some batteries for a playboy, Yoda bear?
Yoda: Playboy we must!
Dart Vader: Mwhuuuhaahaaa. I can now re-empower my evil celphone. What is this?
Celphone: Missed calls: Sauron123 called you on 17:23. Click ‘one’ to read, click ‘two’ to delete, click ‘three’ to…
Darth Vader: One.
Celphone: Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, Ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul. Want a translate? Ten bucks.
Darth Vader: Allright.
Cellphone: Sauron wants you for Evil Army. It’s super important he says. Bye, Sauron’s secretary.
Darth Vader: Off we go then.
Celphone: Wait! Sure you don’t want a new, expensive formula with which you can send over a million of messages ‘for free’ every ten seconds?
Darth Vader: No thanks. Cancel call.
Back at the Black Gate
Sauron: Darth Vader and Justin Bieber will fight for Evil!
Gimli: Our last pick then! Can we get Pink to counter Bieber?
Aragorn: No he’s having some issues with a wall I’ve heard.
Boromir: We need someone that can kill a balrog with a yo-yo. Someone so epic that he can resurrect himself to kick everyone’s ass a second time.
Gandalf: I can’t survive Justin Bieber’s music!
Gimli: Only emo-elfs can.
Boromir: In short we need an overpowered emo-elf that is as deadly as Chuch Norris’ hairbrush.
Legolas: There is only one person who is…
The Battle for Middle-Earth! The Battle for Middle-Earth!
Legend tells that Glorfindel once went to Lorien and urinated against a tree. The tree was so impressed that it grew as high as the Orthanc. All its descendants’ leaves would have turned to gold just to imitate Glorfindel’s hair color.
Surrounded by Elven chicks, he was the only elf that ever received admiration from the polygamous Dwarves.
However, it was Leonidas who drew first blood.
Leonidas picked up Justin Bieber by his hair. Bieber tried to sing ‘Baby’, but received Leo’s short sword in his mouth instead. In Mordor there was a song to be heard from a distance as on the wall of Minas Tirith Denetor did an awesome imitation of the Confortably Numb solo. Bieber was thrown off Mount Doom as Spartans are used to do with kids unworthly to live. “I chose my song carefully, you should have chosen yours.”, a horrifying scream echoed across the plains.
Darth Vader, relieved by the pressure on his robot ears, challenged Leo. Leo instantly summoned 300 Spartans who threw their darts with great force towards Vader. Yet to little avail it was as the force directed them back to the senders. The Spartan king prayed to the gods as the sky darkened with projectiles, but they did not answer.
A bored Glorfindel instantly slew ten orcs for no reason by sneezing in their general direction, just because he could.
“Nerf him! Vader!”, the other orcs cried.
Where was Vader actually? He was nowhere to be seen anymore on the plain. Some say that he died when his pace maker failed or that he simply evaporated but the fact is that he had just received a very urgent call and needed to leave immediately. Well that’s what he told me.
Aragorn: Sauron, you are defeated! Hand over the bra!
Gandalf: Hey, where is Sauron!?
They heard yet again a booming voice across the plains. Morgan Freeman’s explained that Sauron had escaped with the bra into the twisting vortex where Morgoth was held captive.
Aragorn was preparing to jump into the black hole in order to retrieve the bra. Yet he did not because of Glorfindel’s counsil (and his own lack of courage).
"Do not pursue the bra! It will not return to this land. Far off yet is its doom, and not in the hands of feminists will it fall."
Author's note: This is my first short story, written by someone who rarely writes anything. Criticism is welcome and highly valued. Report spelling errors. Comment!
Have fun reading!