The Tale of Aron, Update Chapter Fifteen, March 6th
So, I have been writing a story off an on for several years and I have never really had the chance to share it. It is set in the fictional world of Runescape, which, for those who might not know what that is, is the MMORPG created by Jagex Ltd. In any case, the story has grown and evolved over time, originally being just a short story I wrote for my clan mates. It has evolved into a ~23,000 word story, but it isn't quite finished. I haven't had any time to finish it, but I figured I might as well share what I have. Here is the first chapter.
If you spot any errors, please point them out. I have proofread this chapter, if I remember correctly, but I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be.
The Tale of Aron: Chapter One
Feedback is VERY much appreciated
Last edited by TheDarkKnight; December 12, 2012 at 10:41 PM.
Things I trust more than American conservatives:
Drinks from Bill Cosby, Flint Michigan tap water, Plane rides from Al Qaeda, Anything on the menu at Chipotle, Medical procedures from Mengele
I like the 3rd person perspective and as a bonus you've managed to get some of the depth that usually comes with first person, well done
The only things that I would watch out for would be spacing, a couple of times you have missed at a space after a full stop etc. Also the speech at the end (I think) would be better of having a line space in between each new speaker, as such:
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
“What happened?” he queries.
“The advanced force was wiped out,” one soldier says.
“All of them?”
“Except for myself, your majesty,” our young hero says.
The king looks at this bloodied soldier and says “What is your name, son?”
“My name, your majesty, is Aron,” our hero says
“Well son, I shall honor you as a hero…What is that?” he said, pointing to the red dagger on Aron’s belt.
“Oh, I took it off of a deceased Dark Knight, your majesty.”
“My family had one, a few years ago. It was stolen by a bandit. It is engraved with our seal. May I see it?”
Aron unsheathes it, gives it to the king.
“Aha, it does belong to my family,” the king exclaims.
“Please your majesty, keep it, consider it a tribute to you.”
The king thinks about it, says ”No, you have earned it. Consider it a token of my friendship, as well as my thanks.” Aron re-sheathes it, too tired to protest. The king looks at him again, and says “I see bright things in your future son…bright things”
I know it doesn't effect the story, but it makes it easy to read Well, it does for me anyway which in turn will improve the story.
Another thing I have to say is it seems a bit rushed, maybe try including a bit more description in between evens etc. I know it's hard as it's the first chapter but I feel it could real help to improve the story.
With all that aside, it was a good start and I'm looking forward to more. Keep it up I'm looking forwrad to seeing what these 'bright things' are going to be
Oh no, his revenge doesn't truly come until later...
And I chose the Lumbridge guards to be the cowards because all they are really used to facing is goblins, if you remember from the game. They are really just militia while the army from Varrock is a semi-professional force.
Things I trust more than American conservatives:
Drinks from Bill Cosby, Flint Michigan tap water, Plane rides from Al Qaeda, Anything on the menu at Chipotle, Medical procedures from Mengele
Oh no, his revenge doesn't truly come until later...
I can't wait!
Originally Posted by Gen. Chris
And I chose the Lumbridge guards to be the cowards because all they are really used to facing is goblins, if you remember from the game. They are really just militia while the army from Varrock is a semi-professional force.
Fair enough The hours I spent killing those Goblins...
Hey sorry guys, I'll try to have chapter four and perhaps five and six up this weekend. I've been hit with some pretty heavy work so I haven't had the time to take a look at them and edit them. Just know that they are done, they just need another look at before I feel like they are good enough to post here.
Things I trust more than American conservatives:
Drinks from Bill Cosby, Flint Michigan tap water, Plane rides from Al Qaeda, Anything on the menu at Chipotle, Medical procedures from Mengele
Aron and his 'mithril' armour Although that is shocking , only he should have rune
One thing...
that Aron?
Keep up the good work, and I'll look forward to Aron's new challenge
+rep
Whoops! That was the first sentence of a deleted section that I had forgotten to take out. My bad.
In any case, if I remember correctly from my story he gets rune eventually. Just not armor.
Or does he...?
He, he's already distinguished enough: he is a lieutenant, has armor and weapons that very few others have, etc...Lol. He doesn't need to be any more distinguished...for now.
Things I trust more than American conservatives:
Drinks from Bill Cosby, Flint Michigan tap water, Plane rides from Al Qaeda, Anything on the menu at Chipotle, Medical procedures from Mengele