The Colmar Misunderstanding.
Interesting choice of title. Some would prefer "The Misunderstanding at Colmar." But, your title formally recongizes that the Misunderstanding isn't just any mundane one, but the Colmar Misunderstanding - Capitalized. While some may think that this is somewhat pedantic, going on and on about this title, I wanted to point out why the choice is significant and what that sets up for readers. Your title makes the story "unique" in that it is about a specific misunderstanding worthy of its own capitalization. Subconscious choice or conscious one, the effect that the choice has is immediately evident when you contrast the alternate title "The Misunderstanding at Colmar." Which sounds more important? Which sounds unique? Which would you want to read about, by the title alone? (Not a big deal, really. Unless, that is, you're actually trying to get a reader interested in your story. Good choice.)
It’s kind of ironic, the big planet corporations and governments spend billions, trillions of credits ensuring we all live happy fulfilled lives, or at least those with votes and money to spend. Yet the truly wealthy still need more. The Dobriskey System, one of the central systems, with trade runs going every which way bringing in trillions on trillions of tax revenue. Natural resources they hadn’t even started to tap into. Oh yes, the president of Dobriskey was a very wealthy man – so what had he been doing slumming in Colmar? He could buy it with his own personal wealth many times over.
Well, now he’s dead and the newsfeeds and netizen commentators are calling it the “The Colmar Incident” – yet more irony, because incident hardly covers the loss of two entire fleets and innumerable other ships from the Apostle Class star cruisers down to battered, ancient planet hoppers. Not to mention the wiping of all life from parts of the Dobriskey system and a number of planetoids and other small “spin-worlds” thrown out of their orbit or spiked. All told, the current death totals is estimated at eleven trillion and they call it an incident.
Grammar matters. The most exciting story will never entertain a single reader, unless they're an idgit, unless it's written so an audience can understand it. English has grammar, like all langauges, and that means it is written in a certain way, according to certain rules, that are indicative of how an English-speaking reader would expect to interpret what the symbols they are reading have to communicate, from the mind of the writer to that of the reader. Writing is business of mind games, a thaumaturgy of crafting memories out of thin air from itty-bitty symbols scratched on page, whether it's with internet ink or the real stuff. "Grammar" means that certain rules are expected to be followed in order to allow for easy interpretation and when it is lacking, the writer puts a speed-bump in the thoughts of the reader. That is ungood. That is not-to-be-done. So, with that being communicated properly, I will just put this one correction, here:
"It's kind of ironic. The big planet corporations...."
Or, you could have written:
"It's kind of ironic that the big planet corporations..."
But, your opening sentence, as it is written, is a run-on.
And, a word on openings - NOTHING is more important to you, as a writer, as is getting your opening paragraph perfect. That means that, in this case of a short piece, you have three sentences in which to craft your lure to catch your reader. If you fail, your story will not be read and all your work will be for nothing. You purposefully threw a curveball at your reader by crafting a grammatical error with your opening.
Because of that, I wouldn't have read any further, had this not been a piece offered up for critique. Understand why? Time... My time is valuable. As a reader, I could spend that time reading someone else's better constructed work! It doesn't matter how "fun" or entertaining your story is if I have to work too hard to enjoy it. Readers are lazy. They want everything spelled out for them an' stuff...
"billions or trillions" or "billions, even trillions" or, perhaps even "billions - trillions of credits" Though, the latter really doesn't further a concluded thought as it mentions something new. So, the "or" or "even" choices would be best. HOWEVER, this speaks to "style" and "pacing" and it may be that your choice of a comma lends itself to better pacing, even though it brings the previous thought to a screeching halt. (BTW, though I laud it's merits, my own grammar sucks. I know what works rigth, I just forget what the rules are called.
)
"every which way" - No. This is a over-used phrase. Never use over-used phrases unless there's no other way to write it or the use of them lends something to the style of the piece. Here, "every which way" doesn't really lend itself to "science fiction", especially for the character, who as I have read in the next paragraph, should stereotypically be a person who is concerned with details. Don't list the details of Trade, but I would embellish a couple, just for the sake of fleshing out the narrator's personality. This is a short-story piece and you have limited time with which to act to build up your main character. Taking the opportunity, here, for the lead character, who is also the narrator, to exhibit some internal tendencies would be a good choice. Embellish, in a sentence, how "every which way" their trade run went. Or, within that very same sentence, you could list a few worlds and the goods that flowed between them.
"president" is written capitalized as in "President" when it is a formal title, as in "the President of Dobrisky."
I tend to abuse hyphens, lately. I don't know why. Perhaps it's because I got tired of abusing commas - They just sit there and don't squirm around much. But, hyphens - They're so dramatic! A big hyphen in the middle of a sentence and, wow - You're on the edge of your seat, awaiting the surprise embellishment to come! Meh...
Anyway, be careful with hyphens and use them sparingly, or they tend to act as a distraction more than an encouragement for your reader to read on. (I abuse the heck out of periods in posting on the 'net, though...)
"they call it an incident." - Should be written "they call it an "incident."" Here, you're setting out the interpretation of that word, "incident", as being unique. See how I enclosed it in that sentence, pointing out your use of the word incident as a unique use by enclosing it in quotes? You can also use italics to delineate words that are being used in a unique fashion. Bolding used to be acceptable, but with all the type sets available, bolding has been reserved for shouted or stressed words and unique interpretations of common words are now more frequently italicized. So, first choice is to italicize them, second is to quote them, next is to bold them and lastly, the worst way is to capitalize all their letters.
"trillions" - You love the word.
Authors will stare at a page for hours, trying to find a way to avoid the repetitive use of a certain word. In my own opinion, and it's not universally shared, you should pay particular attention to the halfhazard repitition of mundane words. In this case, you overuse "trillions" in a blatant and shameless manner! Find another word that denotes "lots" for goodness sakes! In fact, I was hit in the face, repeatedly, by "trillions" of somethings in your opening paragraph. That was distracting.
Tees Killen, that’s me - the lead investigator attached to the Colmar System for the Federated Planets Treaty Organisation, though who I’m supposed to be leading is something they haven’t shared yet. ”T” – yeah original nickname I know - the boss said, “T, just go find evidence that shows the Ward Brothers Consortium engineered this whole incident to justify them removing Dobriskey”. Yeah, the FPTO really wants an unbiased investigation here. So here I am, an old-fashioned gumshoe in a new-fangled universe, world weary and cynical, but somehow I know that Philip Marlowe never had the dames bossing him around – still I carried a bigger gun so some things even out I guess.
Kill that hyphen - "Tees Killen, that's me. I'm the lead investigator..." is one way to do it. There are others that may work better with your style. Your choice, but just kill the hyphen.
Philip Marlow? Gumshoe? Is this guy a transplant from Earth's past? I hope you answer that question. If you don't, just remember I asked it. Any reader who is worth their ink-smudged fingers is going to ask those same questions. If you raise them, you have to answer them.
And, that is a problem of "reference." See, you refer to something immediately recognizable as a cultural subject within our current time. Yet, this is a far-flung future mystery, right? Is this guy a fan of old pulp fiction? If so, answer the above questions by embellishing here and stating that case for your character. Otherwise, the references you have here act as another mental speedbump and you don't need those. Do not let the reader be forced into a situation where they have to ask themself unnecessary and distracting questions. Keep them reading by being sure to answer those questsions. In a short story, you either need to answer them quickly or build them up to such an extent as they contribute to your finale. If you don't do both, which I don't know yet, not having read further, then you will have introduced an "unsatisfactory" flavor to your story. For instance, when somneone asks the reader what they thought of your story, the reader may say "I liked it, but there was this weird thing about a time traveller dude or something, hell, I dunno, something about some guy that just didn't seem right..." Don't force your audience to remember their questions about your story for longer than they remember the story, itself. (If you answer for this later, then just take the above as general advice when using common references and phrases "out of place" in your setting. Explain them or make them a part of the overall style, don't let them become distracting.)
Colmar, yeah that one you have heard all the bad stories about - an armpit of a spin-world, indeed one of the oldest spin-worlds where an asteroid with right “rugby-ball” shape is put into orbit around some planet and spun along it’s longitudinal axis. Then they hollow it out and the resulting orbital asteroid is then fitted out to be habitable inside. Some lucky citizens from somewhere overcrowded for Worlds like Colmar, or the rich for the really good Spins, are given keys to a shiny new profitable asteroid. Only someone forgot to put Colmar anywhere useful. Oh they thought so when it was spun up. It was put in orbit above an inhospitable ice world with massive glaciers and with water being a valuable commodity in the Spins and outer colonies it looked like a no-brainer – until they found the glaciers had thick layers of rock dust and volcanic ashes that made the cost of recovering the water too expensive compared to pretty much anywhere else and the water shippers moved out taking their money and workers with them.
Good embellishment, here, in describing Colmar. Good use of the narrator forcing the imagery of Colmar as being "notable." However, this paragraph needs to flow better. It's written in a "conversational" style, but it jumps and starts, and squiggles around a bit too much. This is also an important character piece as it's the narrator, your lead, taking one of his few moments to relate the backstory and the setting directly to the reader in a personal, first person, view. So, you gotta get it right! Rewrite it for "pacing" and "flow" so one subject flows to the next very smoothly and you contrast the ironies by bashing them against that flow. Much like the use of a hyphen, the sentences should crash against the ironies and then go on to another smooth flow, followed by another ironic clash. Returning to the same subject "stutters" the flow, in my mystically worded opinion, from sentence to sentence. For instance:
Colmar, armpit of a spin-world. Yeah, that's the same one you've heard all the stories about. It's one of the oldest spin-worlds there is and only those have an asteroid with the right "rugby-ball" shape that can be yanked into orbit, spun along it's longitudinal axis, hollowed out and then filled with habitats for the rich. Oh, some few lucky citizens from some overcrowded world can get in, but it's usually only the really ultra-rich who are given the keys to a shiny new asteroid. Only, this time, someone forgot to put Colmar anywhere useful. Sure, they thought it was a great plan when they spun it up. Big fat ice-world right next door, lots of fresh water glaciers with gigos of creds worth of water trapped within them - Sure, why not? That was before the survey teams figured out processing those ash-laden glaciers was too costly to make the project profitable. Now, the water shippers have gone and their money with them. Who knew survey teams were supposed to know about volcanoes and plate tectonics?
I don't like doing re-writes (I don't count it as personally desirable etiquette, to do one unasked. Though, I make certain strict exceptions.) and this one may not be as good as your original one. I only re-wrote it to demonstrate how one topic flows to another and how ironies are specifically contrasted before you move onto the next topic, unless you're saving them for a punch-line, like I did. Does mine "flow" easier than yours? Even if factually incorrect, in the setting of your story, it reads to me to flow smoother, not as choppy. Try it on and see.
So with no profits Colmar didn’t turn out to be the money spinner the owners wanted, but they still had to cover their costs – the banks always get their money - and took the easy way to make back money. If it is unethical, illegal, dangerous, toxic or anything you want kept from prying eyes and enquiring minds, then Colmar is the place for you. The brothels cater for every depravity known, and quite a few that were previously unknown. You want to gene splice an endangered species into your own DNA? No problem. Want to get some exotic, banned poisons for your own needs, Colmar can do that, want some exotic drug? Yeah we can do that too. Want to have sex with a three breasted, blue hermaphrodite – no problem. Those tales you’ve heard? They probably don’t even approximate to the truth down here.
"So, with no profits, Colmar didn't turn out..."
MOAR HYPHENSES! KEEL THEY!
Get rid of those hyphens. Sure, they're fun to play with, but you'll hate yourself in the morning.
"and quite a few that were previously unknown" I'd take the opportunity to write "Those brothels cater to every depravity and invent new ones for every tourist season." (Or similar.) and "Those tales you've heard? Those are just appetizers." or something like that. In other words, push it until it stops, then push it some more. It's a short story and you can't afford to be gentle - You don't have the time. Here's an excellent opportunity to "push it until it hurts" in your description of Colmar's vices. Don't do it with more words. Never do it with just more words. Instead, do it with pounding, heavy-hitting descriptions.
Take some time to think of some real doozies and put in the ones that will end up with your readers reeling in laughter or squirmming around ashamedly in their seats.
Slam 'em and slap 'em hard, here. Make this one of the most memorable paragraphs in your short! It's time for a real heavy hitter, here. You've covered the backstory, you've set part of the mechanics of the setting, now you are characterizing that setting. This is important - Nail it! Make good use of metaphor and simile and flavored style. (Note - You got the "sex" innuendos and "physicalilty" in my own instructions to you, right? Do that kind of thing when it comes to flavoring your style of description, where it adds to the characterization of the subject.) Nail it, flavor it, hang it on the wall for every reader to see. This paragraph is your first opportunity for an
Oscar Moment in the writing of this short story. The mechanics of the story are just about done and it's time to gift the reader with a reward for wading through them. Give it to them. Rewrite it with that in mind. Work on this paragraph with these few sentences as hard as you can. It'll pay off, big-time.
Colmar will make you feel alive, frequently dead unless you know how to keep your guns ready and be willing to use them without having awkward moments of ethical debate in your mind. But this was my beat and I breathed in its sweet, savoury, pungent spicy life, a heady brew of toxins, bad beer, worse food and a liberal dosing of danger to give it all an aromatic piquancy that was too rich for many. Well that was my opinion, they probably just got scared of looking over both shoulders, straight ahead and behind all at the same time – Amir Smith, my predecessor as lead investigator lost the knack shortly before he lost his life. Shame, good man, bit dull at times but that made me lead – or so they claim anyway.
Rewrite this. You went from "almost nailed it all the way" to "wtf?" Don't do that. Rewrite this. The opening is a fragmented sentence, fix it. Don't let such mistakes ruin your story. And, what the heck - "aromatic piquancy?" Hey, I love raiding the thesaurus as much as any big-game hunter, but you can't let that break your "style." Tee's style is not one that includes the liberal use of "aromatic piquancy." If he's going to say it, it's going to be because it's either heavily ironic or is a terrific lead-in for a punch-line. He's not going to use such language conversationally. So, fix it so it is
obviously heavily ironic, and lends to the characterization of the narrator/lead or it's the lead-in to the punchline, which does the same, or its absolutely a necessary description for the setting or the story. Otherwise, dump it and choose something conversational and "in character."
But, this paragraph - How does it work? I don't know what's going on. I don't know why it is here. I don't know what the character is talking about or why. Why did you put this paragraph here? What is it's purpose in the overall crafting of this short story? Answer to that and I can tell you how to fix it. First, though, it needs a run through a grammar checker in order for it to at least have some resemblance to a cohesive portion of communicated rational thought. (Maybe I copied and pasted it wrong? I'm working on this offline, atm, so will try to recheck it.)
Colmar certainly was a strange destination for the President of Dobriskey. The facts that everyone is sure of is that he was on Colmar and he died messily inside a Ward Brothers franchise hotel. Dobriskey claimed they sanctioned their Presidents death, a few hothead Dobriskey Starfleet types took it in their head to avenge their Presidents death. One thing led to another and Ward Brothers vastly superior fleet destroyed Dobriskey’s. As the fighting took place in Dobriskey space the Ward Fleet decided to chastise Dobriskey by burning their inner planets to a crisp. Up until then, it was a local disagreement, but the loss of life (so they said, more like the huge loss in revenue, mean the FPTO couldn’t get a splinter up its collective ass anymore so they intervened with massive force.
It's "The facts that everyone are sure of" instead of "is sure of". Plurals - Know them. (Note - There are differences in that regard in American English vs British English (Or, English English if you're a Brit.
You figure it out, depending on your intended audience. Always write with diction appropriate for your published/intended audience, but write with as broad a brush in that regard as possible.)
Another run-on and grammar mistake - "...President's death. A few hotheads.." Instead of your "Presidents death, a few hotheads.." This is hurting you. These is an easily correctable series of mistakes. Here, you even remembered to capitalize "President." But, you ran it straight into forgetting a possessive and smashing up sentences. Don't do that. Always proof submitted work. Sure, a post or three left with errors is fine. Even my review, unproofed for grammar and spelling, is "OK." I'm not submitting for a review. But, if you are, then proof your work. You could have caught these and would have obviously caught your mistake with an uncapitalized "president" earlier, had you proofed this appropriately. These are killing the pacing of your story. Devasting it, even.
"One thing lead to another and Ward Brothers.." Is this "Ward Brothers" the proper name of an organization's fleet? Is this a mistake with posessives? Or, would a "...the Ward Brother's fleet" be more appropriate?" Since this is the first time that "Ward Brothers" has come up, there is no appropraite prior indication for the reader to know how to take this use of it. Either add the "the" or rewrite it so it's clearer.
"Up until then, it was a local disagreement. But, the loss of life..." instead of "...disagreement, but the loss.."
This last part, starting with "disagreement" needs a rewrite for pacing and flow. It's just hand-waving all over the place, not making any concerted effort to be direct. The parentheses are entirely unnecessary. In this particular style, with the narrarator conversationally relating the backstory of the battle, the parenthesis is an unnecessary soliliquy. It's distracting. Rewrite it so that you can separate it out and give the subject there the appropriate attention. Doing so would be further opportunity to characterize the narrarator, which is a bonus. So, let him rant where it is out in the open, here, not hidden in the parentheses. (Also, putting them in the middle of his narrative, right in the middle of a sentence, disrupts the pacing of the narrative. At the end of the paragraph would be better, if you must include this bit in parentheses.)
The Ward Brothers fleet was no match for the FPTO fleets, so the Ward Brothers Fleet of old star cruisers and planet hoppers was wiped out by the latest in FPTO naval technology - the loss of a star cruiser or two was an acceptable attrition rate. And now here we are, with the FPTO fleet and every other band-wagon jumping trade federation parked in the Ward Brothers home system waiting to carry out their own chastisement and pick all the nicest juiciest planets and contracts for themselves as a little reward for their efforts in supporting the winners. Some things never change and the corporate vultures circle when they smell death.
In the interest of “transparency” my job is to show the Ward Brothers to be complicit in his death and therein lies a major problem, because the more I look, the less guilty they look. Sam Spade would not be fooled either. Either they are guilty and they’re just making themselves look so guilty I’d think they were set up, or they’ve been well and truly stitched up. They were probably hoping for some corporate paper pushing investigator to trace a load of papers instead of a real detective wearing out shoe leather following real leads.
Ah, it's "
The Ward Brothers." So, add the "the" in the comment I made on it, above.
Another run-on - "...FPTO fleets, so the.." One sentence ends, the next begins. This is how it works - "The Ward Brothers Fleet was no match for the FPTO fleets. Their fleet of old star cruisers..." Now, some may say that's not a run-on. But, I beg to differ. It's an entirely unnecessary lack of a decent period.
Use one, here.
Also, because of that, you're going to have to change the wording for better flow. Also, leading a sentence with "So" is usually reduntant. "So" means "and it follows" when used in this matter. So, it's redundant, usually. ie:
And it follows that it is usually redundant. See? I could just say, instead, "It's usually redundant" as any reader is going to naturally interpret that one sentence in a paragraph will follow another in a paragraph until the paragraph is finished. And, as paragraphs are usually all concerning the same subject, with new paragraphs continuing with new subjects or other lines of thought, then the use of "So", otherwise known as "And it follows". is almost always taken as "understood" for every sentence, even every paragraph, by any but the most novice reader. To use it "conversationally," however, in a certain style of speach where "so" is used habitually, is a diferent case. Tees doesn't seem like the kind of character who goes around starting every sentence with "So." It's a pet peave of mine since I sometimes do the same thing and feel self-conscious about it. So, mabye I'm being a bit hyper about it? Or, and it follows that I may be being a bit hyper about it. Maybe I'm being a bit hyper about it?
More common colloquial references - Sam Spade. Is Tees a time-traveller? Is he an afficionado of old detective mysteries? Sure, it appears that way, but at what cost do you give him that characteristic? At every mention of these present-day icons, you draw the reader away from your far-future setting. Is the pay-off worth it? More importantly, since you insist on doing this, are you going to
make sure that the payoff is worth it? Is drawing your reader's attention back to our present day worth the characterization of Tees being in love with 20'th Century gumshoe detective mysteries? Is it worth it? (I dunno, haven't finished reading, yet.
But, neither will you readers know...)
Looks like some penny-pincher hired the wrong people to cover up the crime. The report said he died messily in the Ward Brothers Hilton, but hotel would be a generous description indeed of the establishment Mr President died in – oh they may have left the body at his suite in the Ward Brothers Hilton, but he definitely did not die there. I’d checked it out and the sim created by the local cops. It was messy alright, blood up all the walls and bits of gore dripping from the light fittings – the sim even kept in the retching of the first cop on the scene – but I’d seen worse. The blood spatter, broken windows and rifled drawers made to look like a robbery gone wrong but it was too gory a scene, the drawers were rifled too perfectly, everything that could be broken was broken – it just didn’t fit. Someone carefully went through the room and then added a hefty dose of artistic license like they wanted judging on some murder-flic. Even the laziest alcoholic hack reporter would know that finding a dead body in a hotel room hardly made the owners complicit. And so we had yet another Colmar Misunderstanding as we locals called it - an off-worlder makes a final misjudged misadventure in the darker depths of our happy little asteroid and gets shipped home in a neat package – or maybe just dropped out of an airlock.
"Indeed "- This is much too like "Foresooth!"
Can't go around having a bunch of foresooth's and indeeds running around... Nope, get rid of it. "Indeed" used in this way - "would be a generous description indeed of the establishment.." - just reads awkward to me. Also, I would separate those two contrasting lines of thought with another period. They cost just as much as a space or a comma, even the same as a hyphen, so feel free to make use of them when necessary.
(I hope you understand that I'm joking with you and not purposefully at your expense, when I comment like that.
Also, I left out an opportunity for the use of a comma in my own sentence above. I'm trying to quit.. been going to twelve-step meetings an' everythin'..)
"added a hefty does of artistic license, like they wanted, juding on some murder flick.. " instead of "license like they wanted judging on some murder flick." Do they like to judge murder flicks and were they committing this murder while judging one? Remember - Leaving out important punctuation can lead to radically different interpretations than those you intend.
It had cost me a few thousand credits, a couple of intimidations and rather more favours called in that I wished I’d not burnt - I had been saving them for my retirement - but now I stood outside the Purple Dragon Massage Parlour and knew I had my real murder scene. Even for Colmar, the Purple Dragon had a bad reputation and that is saying something. A more disreputable, seedier and dangerous place you couldn’t hope to find. Now I’m not saying the Ward Brothers are angels, far from it, but even they would stay clear of a place like the Purple Dragon. Anyone with any brains not in a chemical haze would stay clear of the Purple Dragon unless they had business or worked there.
OK, good piece. But, you need to polish it up. Here, it had cost him "a couple of intimidations." Was he intimidated or did he do the intimidating? Fix that. Also, you're trying for drama here. In my opinion, I'd go with a punchier "But, now I stood outside the Purple Dragon Massage Parlour. I knew I had my murder scene." Separating that out means - Boom. A leads to B. Setup followed by solution. Since this matters, set that sentence apart. This is the culmination of his efforts and you want that to seem significant, don't you? So, give it it's own special place in the paragraph, not just as some also-ran tagalong, buried in another sentence. You could even use a hyphen here - I know you want to. I bet you do.. you're just itching to use it, aren't you. Well, go ahead, it's right there - The perfect opportunity. (See how that is set up and made more dramatic by being formally separated as significant within that sentence or even separate from it? That's what you have to do in a short-story. You just don't have time for finesse and have to make every word count.)
"Anyone with any brains not in a chemical haze would stay clear of the Purple Dragon unless they had business or worked there." OK, I get it. I understand what you are "trying" to say. But, do you realize what you have said?
Riddle me this - Who goes to the Purple Dragon who doesn't have business there or doesn't work there?
Good idea for the closing sentence and worth working on. But, rewrite it so it doesn't sound nonsensical.
I was staying concealed in plain sight. Dressed like an off-Worlder with money to burn and no scruples, I was casing the place from over the road in a street parlour – looking like I was just losing the last vestiges of my morals before entering the place to lose the last of my credits too.Their security bots had cased me already and marked me as a potential customer. Mr Wang was heading my way now, mincing over in his improbably high purple boots and fishnets, purring at me in a false mixed accent, part Chinese, part Mexican and parts unknown. “Hi, you look like discerning hombre - you want girl? boy? both? young or old? I have all of that and everything in between. Hells, I can give you all that in same room at once, come Amigo, let me show you a real brothel. You want president special? That cost extra and could be bad for you soul” He laughed a weird strangled castrato - Colmar really did have everything, even that which had been outlawed centuries ago.
Sentence fragment lead-in, again.. /sigh Don't do this - "..concealed in plain sight. Dressed like an off-worlder with money to burn and no scruples." No, no, no.. Do this - "..plain sight, concealed like.." See? Don't sabatage an interesting story by overlooking the easy stuff. Good grammar is easy. Good writing is hard.
A bit of another setting breach, here. - Mr. Wang's accent. You have a far-future detective mystery going on here and it's on another world in a system of worlds that could number in the thousands. So, explain, please, how Mr. Wang is going to have a Chinese and Mexican blend of accents? Did he get them by mail-order? Was he raised on Earth and travelled to the armpit of the Universe for funsies? Are there Spanish and Chinese worlds that ban all other forms of language? Come, now, seriously - You should take the opportunity to STAY IN YOUR SETTING instead of constantly grabbling into ours. By that, I mean, you should invent a patois for Mr. Wang. You readers are already going to flavor his speach with an Oriental accent, due to his name. This is why you pickd his name in the first place. That's fine. What is definitely NOT fine is throwing your readers back into their living room instead of letting them stay in your setting and you do that every single time you mention a present-day cultural reference. Either force those references to have significance in your story in order to "pay" for the cost of their use in distraction or get rid of them, entirely. The gumshoe references I can take. But, this is entirely unnaceptable - Invent a patois for Mr. Wang. He's one of the few people in the story who has dialogue, so you may as well make it meaningful. Have Tees describe it using references to other worlds, not cultures on present-day Earth. Otherwise, you're torpedoing the "Suspension of Disbelief" of your readers. As a writer, you must work to foster that and you must not throw rocks at it or hurl potatoes and torpedoes at it with equal abandon. Take good care of it, nurture it, water it, cuddle with it and, if necessary, loose your virginity to it. For goodness sakes don't slap your readers across their Suspension of Disbelief by taking it away from them!
Looks like my hunch was right, yeah like that was a surprise – when in doubt, suspect the worst and you’d be right more often than not - they’d even taking to boasting about it – someone very high and very rich was protecting the Purple Dragon and I’d need every ounce of my Colmar bred smarts to stay alive now. “Lead on Senor McDuff, I have some credits I shouldn’t have, just aching to get spent quick before someone comes looking.”
I was committed now, I just hoped I could continue to stay one step ahead – if they could kill a President with impunity, a smart-aleck private dick was not going to cause them to lose sleep – but I had one thing in my favour – I was born on Colmar and nothing would surprise or scare me here.
"was right, yeah like" - Should be written - "..was right. Yeah, like that.." Another stalled lead line, the most important in any paragraph, killed by a grammatical error. This is killing your story. You realize this, right?
Ah, so Tees is from Colmar. I didn't pick that up, earlier. Is there a reason for that? Fix it, make it plain. Also, when using hyphens, you'll usually capitalize a complete sentence if it comes after it. So, "...surprise - When in doubt, suspect..." See? In fact, I'd have to refer to my Strunk & White, but I think it's "always" capitalize. Google it. (I'm offline, atm of this writing. Connection issues.) IOW, treat hyphens as a period, for capitalization purposes, IIRC.
"I was committed now. I just hoped.." instead of "comitted now, I just.." My suggestion, but could be either way, there.
"smart-aleck private dick" - Wait a sec, he's a Private Investigator? Inconsistancy, here. He's "the lead investigator attached to the Colmar System for the Federated Planets Treaty Organisation." He is NOT a private detective... So, either he's forcing a metaphor or he was hired. Either way, it needs fixing, else you jar your reader's sensibilities and their own internal Continuity Monitor skips a beat. Don't give them that opportunity - Fully wedge Tees in either of the two roles before he gets to this point. Else, the reader will not know the appropriate perspective that they are sharing with Tees.
Either he was hired as a private investigator by that organization or he works for them, yet has a penchant for overly dramatizing his own role because he loves gumshoe detective stories.. Your choice.
Comments on the story:
I liked the story. I liked the setting and the science-fictiony "spin-worlds" idea. (Similar to a couple of science fiction series in the present day.) I liked the plot and liked considering this as an episodic piece.
However, what I didn't like was the constant grammatical errors. No, didn't like those at all. But, grammar can be fixed easily. You can even get grammar checker add-ons for the most popular word processors. I bet there are some html ones online. In other words - There is no excuse for a submitted work to have these sorts of grammatical errors. Fix them. The story is good, but the grammatical mistakes damage it a great deal.
What this piece needs is polish. Not the language, but the stuff that makes thing bright and shiny. It needs to be polished for grammar and punctuation, the overuse of present-day cultural references that detract from the setting, a couple of paragraphs that desperately need rewrites and the problem with continuity in identifying Tees occupation. Clear all that up and it would be an enjoyable piece of work to read. As it is, it's an interesting story and I'm glad I read it, but I was not glad that I had to put up with those mistakes in order to finish it.
Good work, but you can do better than this. Fix this piece and repost the corrected version. If you wish, you can PM me up to three rewritten paragraphs and I will comment privately on those. But, I can not promise when I can do that, as my internet connection is terrible at the moment and I travel quite frequently.
Good job, polish it up or remember my comments when you write the next installment. There is going to be another episodic piece in this narrative storyline, isn't there? See, you did a good job - I want to experience what happens next to Tees. No writer can ask for more than a willing audience.
(Note - Written in notepad... and trying to push this through a spotty internet connection. If formatting mistakes occur, I will try to correct them, but no promises until my connection stablizes.)
Added Note: I picked the short at random and critiqued as I read, because that's the way it should be done. As a writer, you need feedback from the reader as that reader experiences your story, just as much as you need feedback from them when they finish it. You need to know they're enjoying the journey, just as much as you need to know if they liked the destination.
A Rickety Old Bookcase
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looking forward to seeing the shelf once it's been fixed and varnished 
) which has just been updated, coincidently. 
Originally Posted by ybbon66
