The Not-A-Official-Fun-Thread Thread: Post your funny ASOIF stuff here

[Nikephoros Kapatsos]

OMFG it is so mean, the author deserves a sainthood!

and i just love the comments! you cant really tell who is playing along and who really took this serious, esp because the author plays along himself.

btw, try this one http://www.gameofthrones.tv/2011/11/...acter-you-are/

apparently, i am Tywin Lannister.....

I am a Stark, Robb Stark..... Supervisor.

ESTJ: Robb Stark

Keirsey says ESTJ’s “like to take charge of groups and are comfortable issuing orders. Rank, they believe, has its obligations, but it also has its privileges… Even as children they are industrious, and they usually respect their parents as authority figures… Their industry and perseverance only become more important to them as they grow into adulthood and take on the responsibilities of job and family.” Robb grows from a dutiful son into a confident, focused leader over the course of the season.

[HannibalExMachina]

if you thought eddard stark doing the drag was a treat.....

[ggggtotalwarrior]

if you thought eddard stark doing the drag was a treat.....

WHAT THE !!!!!!!!????????????????

[Mount Suribachi]

Thats thespians for you dahling...

[HannibalExMachina]

i assume thats the half of the daughters that could be prettier than jon snow.

[ggggtotalwarrior]

Except for Viktoria Craster

[Antoniusz]

Except for Viktoria Craster

Agreed

[IrishBlood]

dont think these have been posted before

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[Antoniusz]

dont think these have been posted before

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You are aware that spoiler tags are empty?

[IrishBlood]

You are aware that spoiler tags are empty?

UUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I dont know what the hell is wrong with the picture, every time I post them, they seem fine, but when i reload the page they disappear

I shall try again

EDIT:

ahhh i see my problem, the pictures I was trying to post are part of some sort of slide show thing so I cant post them, here's the slide show intead

http://www.gameoflols.com/?tag=gameo...=3#!/slideshow

[HannibalExMachina]

[Noobio]

[HannibalExMachina]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/0...n_1505682.html

its not a funny incident, but the comments surely are.....

also, remember this?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz...l-Summers.html

[Kiliç Alì]

I found theese on the web, half of them I can't get the irony, but some are fantastic!

If ASOIAF had been written by another author...


A Song of Ice and Fire, by David Eddings:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Sansa stood on the battlements. She was feeling melancholy; a feeling she
found not entirely unpleasant.
Hearing the familiar waddle behind her, she turned to face Tyrion. His beard
was even more messy than usual, and his mismatched eyes were shot with red.
"Been drinking again, have you?" she sighed.
Tyrion looked at her grumpily. "I'm happy to see you too, my darling wife.
Any word from my oaf of a brother yet?"
"No, milord." She sniffed. "Don't you think it's time for your annual
shower?"
"I was never made for showering," he growled, then shot her a wicked glance.
"Unless, of course, my lady wife would care to join me?"
Sansa's pretty cheeks turned bright red. "My lord!"
Tyrion's expression became somber. "I'm worried about Jaime. Unless I've
misread the Codex completely, he should've been here by now. I have a
feeling that I'm missing something important."
Sansa looked at him worriedly. "Another twist of the prophecy, Tyrion? Isn't
it about time you told me about my role in it?"
Tyrion groaned. "Haven't we been through this many times already, Sansa? I
don't know! The Codex speaks only of the Little Bird, the Lion, the
Wardrobe, the Mountain and the Fat Walda. Something big is supposed to
happen here, and you're part of it."
Sansa couldn't help it. "Why me?" she said with an impish grin.
Tyrion waddled off, muttering curses under his breath.

------

Author: denstorebog

A Song Of Ice And Fire, by Robert Jordan

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Catelyn sniffed, and looked in disgust at her dress. It was a beautiful dark
blue, slashed with black lace, which hugged about a bit too tightly around
the bosom, and was cut lower than she would have preferred. Something to be
worn in private, perhaps.

She decided she did not have time to change, and began to walk back to the
hall. In the wall were niches filled with ceramic lions, and candlesticks so
covered in gilt that they could have been solid gold. The floor was covered
in mosaic dragons that seemed to be hastily repainted with crowned stags.
The ceiling was high, and painted a deep shade of red, and it sloped slowly
up to an even greater height for the entrance to the hall. The door was
thick wood, banded in iron straps, and held in place with a thick wooden
bar. One of the guardsmen was eyeing her bosom with a hungry eye. Catelyn
sniffed and gave the guardsman a level look, and he quickly blushed,
straightened his collar and looked away. Men, she thought, always gazing at
things they can never have.
As the gate swung open with a loud screech, it revealed the dimly lit hall
beyond.

TRANSLATION: Catelyn got ready and went to the hall.

------

Author: Sanelyan

A Song of Ice And Fire, By RA Salvatore:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

With a catlike grace Jon was scaling the cliff. The dangerous fire was
leaping in his amber eyes when he thought of the evil descending on the
peaceful population of the Seven Kingdoms. Ygritte-Goat Cheese was climbing
right behind him, her fair beautiful innocent face showing the thinking
process.

"Ther sky is ver' dark and it is gettin' cold, Jon. We're better to set camp"
reasoned Ygritte-Goat Cheese. Jon almost tumbled down stricken by the
incredible wisdom of the woman. "Dear, dear Ygritte," and his eyes watered.

They set up the camp and despite the imminent danger from the presence of
ten thousand fifteen hundred and twelve Others crawling in all of the dark
corners of the region, Jon set to record his diary.

Jon's Diary:

Friendship is a rarest gift to be given to a bastard. Everyone judges me by
me being baseborn and makes vulgar jokes about it and would taunt me and
torment me and cut me into many little pieces, but for the armor of my faith
in my dear friends...

Suddenly they were under attack. Magically two obsidian scimitars appeared
in Jon's hands and Ygritte pulled the string of her curved bow. A striking
shiny silver magical arrow flew past Jon almost taking away his ear and
pierced roughly twenty of Others, causing them terrifying damage and raining
their mis-matched pieces down on Jon.

"Dear Ygritte," sighed Jon, but his orbs were already sparkling with the
excitement of the upcoming battle with evil. The obsidian blades started a
dance of death, the right one gutting one doomed other and the left one
conducting the Rakhmaninov's Second Symphony. He looked in the eyes of the
doomed creature to the right and saw that it does not know of its nearing
death, just like the doomed creature to the left of him. Instead the
ignorant and purely evil Others wiped their transparent hands and cheered
their spider mounts on. Jon went into the sidelong roll, then into the
back long roll, then he did a triple somersault all the while hacking a
slashing until all of the attacking 20 creatures were not dead. Another 40
were cut down by Ygritte's arrows.

"You are hurt!" yelled Jon panicking, seeing a small scratch on Ygritte's
face, "I am going to heal you." And Jon pulled out the bottle with bluish
liquid out of his pocket and gently smeared it all over Ygritte's pretty fair
beautiful face and stood gasping at the incredible shine of her auburn
locks. Ygritte smiled: "What are you stare on? Shut yor stupid mouth and
kiss me already!" Jon felt dizzy and fell down. In all seventy years of his
life on the surface he could not overcome a trauma of his mother being his
father's unknown mistress. He could not possibly kiss Ygritte. Besides it
was only 20 years since that most wonderful woman broke up with her
boyfriend of old.

------

Author: Domi

A Song of Ice and Fire, by Terry Brooks

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Bran couldn't walk but they were right behind him. He thought back to home,
to the Vale, where he and every small boy who couldn't defend himself came
from and went on countless horrible journeys and throughout all the
adversity they faced they still came out on top much like the hobbits who
lived further south and also always seemed to overcome adversity in the face
the ultimate evil and it made Bran feel like he was a rip of something else
but he wasn't sure what.
Anyway Bran looked over his shoulder and saw the horrible flying dragons
circling towards him. Oh if only the Coldhands were here now to save me, he
thought, but then he thought again, No Bran, you're on your own. He took a
step forward. In the back of his mind an Indian named Two Bears and Six
Women told him "for a young pup to run he has to first learn to walk." That
made a lot of sense to Bran because horrible Indian clichés always said deep
things that made a lot of sense if you really thought about them so he took
another step. One of the Others jumped in his path, a horrible monster of
tentacles and fur and smashed up snouts and right behind it came the sure
sword of Arthur Dayne. "Run Bran," he told the boy and that was the last
thing he remembered before something hit him in the back of the head and
everything went black.
And then Bran overcomes adversity, learns to walk, finds a pair of magical
stones and a sword that reveals truth and then he wins and then he goes home
and reads the Hobbit and then the LOTR so he can leaves instructions on what
his other little relatives from Culhaven need to do when the ultimate evil
threatens the realm.

------

Author: SimonOfSteele

ASOIAF, By Terry Pratchett

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

"My Lord," the fat guard said, coming up beside Jon atop the Wall where Jon
stood, looking out at the Haunted Forest, "His Grace would like see you in
the Great Hall."

"His Grace," said Jon, thinking, "I am not too sure about that name."

"Er, pardon, my Lord?"

"His Grace. Just yesterday I was walking across the courtyard when I saw
Stannis Baratheon slip on a puddle of ice. Hardly graceful behavior is it?"

"I suppose not, my Lord."

"It might even be considered clumsy."

"Most probab-"

"So where would His Clumsiness like to see me?"

The guard looked pleased at a question he could answer confidently. "The
Great Hall, my Lord."

"Great hall?" asked Jon, "What's that?"

The guard's face frowned, reminding Jon of the way a ball is dented when
kicked. "The hall where the garrison eats, my Lord."

"Oh, you mean the Common Room."

"Er, yes, my-"

"It is no hall, most definitely. I've been in many halls in my time and that
is most definitely a Room."

"Um."

"And I would not say it was great."

"Well-"

"Has this Common Room made any significant achievements?" Jon pressed. "Has
the Common Room proved itself in combat, rescued any maidens, gained any
qualifications in Business Management?" Jon eyed the fat guard and saw his
jaw begin to quiver.

"No, but, but, it is where we eat my Lord.

Jon gave it some thought. "Eating is necessary," he murmured to himself. He
looked up at the guard.

"Then perhaps we should rename it the Not Great but Necessary Common Room."
he said at last.

"Uh."

"If you are referring to great in the other sense of size, then again I
would have to disagree. Compared to other rooms I have seen it is not all
that big, and even compared to other Common Rooms is not worth note. Sam
took measurements the other day and actually declared it quite small."

The guard frowned again, his mouth working silently. "The Quite Small Not
Great But Necessary Common Room?" he ventured.

"Yes," Jon said, nodding, "yes, that would be more accurate."

Silence. The guard shifted uneasily.

More silence. The guard again shifted, making Jon wonder absently if the fat
man was having trouble supporting his huge wait on his feet.

"So." the guard said at last.

"So... what?" Jon asked, looking up.

"Can you come to The Quite Small Not Great But Necessary Common Room to see
His Clumsiness?"

"What? Oh, no, I'm busy. You should have asked sooner."

------

Author: VarysTheSpider

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

ASOIAF by Terry Goodkind

Tyrion had never seen anyone so beautiful in his life. He had just met her
but he already felt that he loved her more than anything. He couldn't do
anything without her. If she died, he would soon follow after.

*100 pages of the same paragraph over and over, with some lovemaking in
between.*

Tyrion knew that he loved her with all his heart and could never live
without her, but right now he had the problem of that 109823409823092
million wights and Others coming at him. He figured that with that many
enemies at hand he was as good as dead, but at least he sent the love of his
life away. Did he mention that he couldn't live without her and loved her
more than anything in the world?

As the army of undead approached, Tyrion decided he could do with a quick
raping. Even though he loved the other girl with all his heart and would die
without her, what would this chapter be without a gritty rape scene?

After he bagged the wench he remembered that there was an army of
109238927309823409 bazillion wights and Others coming straight at him. The
first one reached him and beat the living crap out of him. Tyrion had never
felt pain like this before. Then, all of the sudden, he remembered. Out of
nowhere he pulled out his trusty nuclear bomb spell and killed the entire
2098230498230928304928304982039 triple gazillion wights, Others, Freys,
mercenaries, dog-faced gremlins, and chia pets that were threatening his
world and the girl that he couldn't live without because he loved her so
much. Did he mention how much he loved her yet? And that he just bear the
thought of living without her?

Now that the enemy was defeated, and Tyrion had barely broken a sweat, he
decided it was time to go have more sex.

The end.

------

Author: Father Rahl

ASOIAF - as an internet chat log:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

------

** You entered channel: Harrenhal.
** Your nickname is: Arya
< Arya> hello ?
< Arya> anyone here
< Arya> /who
Users currently in channel: ChIsWyCk, Hot_Pie, ADMIN_Weese
< Arya> hey HP
< Hot_Pie> sup
< Hot_Pie> arya d00d this channel sux
< Arya> yeah
< Arya> lets go to Outside_Harrenhal, its a pretty l33t room
< Hot_Pie> no
< Hot_Pie> i already tried, its password protected, we cant go there
< Arya> wtf, u mean we have to stay here??
< Hot_Pie> yah
< Arya> wtf
< ADMIN_Weese> lol lamers u stfu now or be banned, u hear me?
< Arya> uh oh
< Arya> /nick weasel
** Arya changed nick to: weasel
< ADMIN_Weese> lol weasel ur my now, u hear?
< weasel> yessir
< weasel> grr
< weasel> /msg weasel ser gregor, the hound, the tickler, WEESE...
** Weasel whispers to you: ser gregor, the hound, the tickler, WEESE...
< weasel> /msg weasel ser gregor, the hound, the tickler, WEESE...
** Weasel whispers to you: ser gregor, the hound, the tickler, WEESE...
< weasel> /msg weasel ser gregor, the hound, the tickler, WEESE...
*** Caution: Spamming will not be tolerated.
< weasel> wtf
** ADMIN_Jaquen has entered the channel.
< ADMIN_Jaquen> sup all
< weasel> /msg ADMIN_Jaquen hey its me arya
** ADMIN_Jaquen whispers to you: sup arya, thanx for ur help the other day
< weasel> /msg ADMIN_Jaquen no prob
** ADMIN_Jaquen whispers to you: if anyone bothers u, just lemme know ok? i
got l337 admin rights in here
< ChIsWyCk> lolz yeah ok so me n the other guys went to some porn site the
other days w all these hardcore pics of chicks getting raped
< ChIsWyCk> anyone want the url?
< weasel> wtf
< weasel> /msg ADMIN_Jaquen kick chiswyck
*** ChIsWyCk was banned by ADMIN_Jaquen (valar morghulis, lamer)
< weasel> lol
< weasel> /nick GhostOfHarrenhal
** weasel changed nick to: GhostOfHarrenhal
** Hot_Pie whispers to you: i just talked to gendry, he says he met u irl
and ur not really a guy like u said
< GhostOfHarrenhal> /msg Hot_Pie u just stfu now, dont tell anyone
** Hot_Pie whispers to you: ok ok its cool w me
< ADMIN_Weese> WEASEL u piece of crap where did u go
< GhostOfHarrenhal> wtf
< GhostOfHarrenhal> /msg ADMIN_Jaquen kick ADMIN_Weese
*** ADMIN_Weese was banned by ADMIN_Jaquen (valar morghulis, lamer)
< GhostOfHarrenhal> lol
< Hot_Pie> lol
< ADMIN_Jaquen>
< GhostOfHarrenhal> jaquen u have the pass for channel 'Outside_Harrenhal' ?
< ADMIN_Jaquen> maybe
< GhostOfHarrenhal> give it to me
< ADMIN_Jaquen> naw, i'll ban ppl for u, but i cant give u that pass
< GhostOfHarrenhal> any ppl?
< ADMIN_Jaquen> yah
< GhostOfHarrenhal> /msg ADMIN_Jaquen kick ADMIN_Jaquen
< ADMIN_Jaquen> wtf
< ADMIN_Jaquen> hold on a sec
< ADMIN_Jaquen> u dont mean that
* Hot_Pie yields.
< GhostOfHarrenhal> sure i do - unless u give me the pass

---
Author: denstorebog

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

John Madden Play by Play of the battle of Kings Landing

John Madden: Ok now you got your ships comin up the stream, they're trying
to blitz the main gate. What the defense is going to want to do is stop
those ships from reaching the interior.

Al Michaels: Both teams want a win real bad

John Madden: Right if you don't want to win, you're not going to win,
winning is all about who plays the hardest and has the biggest heart, cause
when you got winners and losers, only the winners win.

Al Michaels: Looks like Stannis's team fell into a trap

John Madden: Traps are what you got to watch out for, any good defense knows
the best way to win is to do something unexpected. When you do something
unexpected, the other team is taken by surprise.

Al Michaels: I wish you'd die.

------

Author: UOrules

ASOIAF by Vladimir Nabokov

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Sansa, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul.

She was Lady Lannister in King's Landing in her too-small gown, standing
next to her runt husband with the mismatched eyes. She was Alayne Stone here
at Eyrie. She was Sansa Stark to her late brothers. But in my arms she was
always Sansa.

Did she have a precursor? She did, indeed she did. In point of fact, there
might have been no Sansa at all had I not loved, one summer, a certain
initial girl-child. In a castle atop the Trident. Oh when? About as many
years before Sansa was born as my age was that summer. (You can always count
on a murder for a fancy prose style.)

My dear lords and ladies, my defense is what the singers, the misinformed,
simple, golden-tongued singers envied. Look at this tangle of thorns.

------

Author: Harry the Heir

Stand back people, here comes J. R. R. Tolkien.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The sprawling sea flowed around Ser Davos Seaworth as he stood at the prow
of his ship. The Esperanto, who are the Lepancirino, had not been willing to
build a ship, but at the high point of Ser Davos' speech he had appeared to
them so regal that they had known love in their hearts. And they had built
his ship. And they had said among them that Davos was the Prince Who Was
Promised. And Davos knew in his heart that this was wrong but did not
contradict them, nor did he stay their adoration, as he had known pride.

Davos continued to stare and in the distance a great face of rock jutted out
of the flowing sea that looked as like the end of the world, for certainly
no man in the history of Westeros, that is the Seven Kingdoms, that is the
Land of the Andals, had ever sailed this many leagues to the North before.

And lo! No sooner had Ser Davos spotted the rock face than he beheld a great
many ships, thirty in all if his sight was true. Great and tall and big and
wide and strong were the ships, with high banners of green and red and blue.
The banners of the Wildlings.

And Ser Davos, Lord of the Rainwood, found himself drawn to the majesty of
those ships that were his enemy and he discovered that he did not want to
destroy the ships that Melisandre had told him to, but capture them instead
and keep their beauty in the world. Thus he stood in thought as the Wildling
armada grew closer, knowing in his heart what an ill thing it would be to
destroy such magnificent vessels.

And behold! from behind Davos did Salladhor Saan emerge. "The black foe is
thither on the horizon," he said, "we must begin our attack ere nightfall."

"There fleet is poised to assail our shore near Eastwatch?"

"My heart tells me so."

"Now I see the ships I can not bring myself to do the deed." Davos said.

"You must!" cried Saan. "Even if it is through fell sorcery. They can not be
allowed to assault our lands. Nor can we attempt a conventional attack. We
are but one ship and must use the deviltry for the good of the realm."

"Yes," said Davos setting his heart, "Why do they not lift anchor?"

"The minds of Wildlings are oft queer."

"Yes. We must attack now." Davos looked up and saw that the deepening
twilight, heralding the end of yet another day of the world, was fast
ending.

And so it came to pass that Ser Davos Seaworth used the deviltry taught to
him by the lady Melisandre, who claimed to be of the light but wasn't, and
the Wildling fleet was broken, and their masts were torn down, and their
decks sundered, and their seamen cast into the sea, and the host that had
prepared to invade Westeros, that is the Seven Kingdoms, from the North,
that is beyond-the-Wall, was gone from the world save in memory of the
Maesters, those that remember when all else have forgotten.

And from everafter Davos walked in black thought, as though a great burden
was set on his mind and heart, bearing the knowledge that he destroyed ships
that were never meant to be destroyed, that his decision was flawed and his
wisdom was foul, and not a word Stannis Baratheon, King of the Narrow Sea
and Wall, or the boy Jon Snow, Lord Commander of the Night's Watch and
natural son to Eddard Stark, who was Warden of the North and The Lord of
Winterfell, could say could pierce that veil of darkness that covered his
heart, till eventually, grown old by twenty years in the space of several
months, so did he die, and his spirit left the world and where it went no
man can say. Alas! such is the doom of all men of Westeros.

------

Author: VarysTheSpider

Well, I figured that it's time to call on heavier artillery, so here is a Dostoyevskiy's attempt....

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The fog was blown into the city from the seaside, making it almost
impossible to breath. Jaime Tywinovich Lannister coughed and pulled his
worn white cloak tighter about his bony shoulders. He then walked slowly
through the grayish streets of King's Landing observing lean faces of pacing
people and suddenly his glance would pick up a man or a woman and he would
stop and gaze upon them, his lips twitching in a strange smile. That was not
the way those people looked that amused Jaime, that was the fact that they
were unable to guess at his secret, unable to decipher him.

A beggar girl from the look of her caught a fold of Jamie's cloak: "Bread,
milord, bread, please for the Seventh's sake..." Jaime's hands were
trembling as he with sudden shyness turned his pockets inside out hurriedly,
searching for coins. The girl was no older than seven and her face was
marked by that special sort of pride beggars have and feverish scarlet of
her chick bones betrayed her unfortunate condition to Jamie. "What is your
name, child? " asked he gently, leaning towards her. She was suddenly astir.
"Arya," cried she and pushed away his hand clutching few coins and tried to
run. Her small figure was then shaken by a fit of cough and she collapsed
convulsing on the ground. Jamie leaned over her, and a small crowd started
gathering round. A peasant looking lady with weathered yet kindly face said
pitifully: "'that's old Ned Rickardovich's girl." Jaime turned to the
speaker: "You will know then the way to her home, kind woman?" The woman
nodded and with sudden ease lifted the girls body of the ground. Jaime
tried awkwardly to give woman the money. She shook her head: "You will have
use of them yet, my poor man. Go, dear, nothing for you to do here any
more." Jaime went, hunched and sorrowful.

*****************************

The rooms in the Red Keep were low and unpleasing. "How can they let a man
to leave in the unpleasing room like that? Dark, narrow rooms are poison for
the soul," thought Jaime. Aloud he told slowly thoughtfully: "I have met a
beggar girl today, Cersey Tywinovna. Her name was Arya. The most poor
creature she was. I think I shall marry her." Cersey's face grew pale, and
her gaze clutched to his chin as if its movement when he spoke was the most
important for her to watch. "Arya Eddardovna? I was thinking that you were
Sansa Eddardovna's pet, my dear Jamie Tywinovich." He laughed in agony:
"Even if so, what is the difference, I beg you, Cersey?" Torment appeared in
her eyes and she raised and walked over to the window and turned to him.
"Indeed, no difference Jaime. I am Robert's," and she laughed hard. That
laugh was not a gaily sort of laugh, and her eyes glowed feverishly. Jaime
crossed the room and cried: "You are innocent, Cersey Tywinovna, and you are
pure, you are innocent." She looked at him suddenly quieted and whispered:
"I dreamt that one would come and tell that I am innocent. Sometimes I
dreamt and dreamt about it. And then Robert comes and despoils me."

------

Author: Domi

Here's JK Rowling. More of a satire really.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

When Arya arrived at bravos she was sad. She missed her family, her half
brother most of all. Jon had always been nice to her. She felt tears in her
eyes that were wet.

A man approached her from somewhere. He had a big beard and a big head. He
reminded Arya of a big man.

"So," he said loudly, "You have come to be Faceless Man! To learn the ways
of killing."

"I'm Arya Stark and I'm not a killer!" Arya said hotly.

"Yes you are!" The man said fiercely.

"No I'm not!" Arya said just as hotly

"Yes you are! You've killed and that makes you a killer!"

"But I don't want to be!" Arya said angrily.

"You should. A dead enemy is a thing of beauty." The man said grimly.

Arya was shocked. "That's a terrible thing to say!"

The man looked away. "Come with me."

They walked down a grey road to a big blue house. Along the way Arya saw
many strange things. Two men were arguing over a horse that had six legs and
a group of women were talking very quickly about the best way to stew rabbit
with magic.

"Do you have much magic here?" she asked the man.

"Magic?" he rumbled, "Oh yes, plenty of magic around here, especially here."
He gestured at his mid section.

Arya gasped. "Do you have a wand in your pocket?" She asked, hesitating.

The man chuckled. "Well. I don't like to brag, but."

They reached the house. The roof was sloped and the grass outside was green.
Arya thought it was the type of house where someone might live. The man
walked up to the door. "Openus the bloody doorus!" he bellowed. The door
opened revealing a man dressed in clothes.

"You could have just knocked, my Lord. Or used your key." He said
disapprovingly.

"I could have, you're right. Come, Arya." Arya wondered how he knew her name
but then remembered that she had told him.

They walked through a corridor into a large room with a wooden table in the
centre and the man folded his arms.

"These are bad times, Arya. The lord of Myr is lose again." He said gravely.

"You mean Lord Fart."

"Don't say his name!" he hissed.

"Fart."

"Don't!"

"Fart, fart, fart, fart, FART!" She shouted.

The man was silent for a while. "Not many people would dare say a word
filled with such terror as." he paused, "fart," he shuddered. "I think your
first mission as a Faceless Man will be to kill him."

Arya was taken aback. "How can I face Fart? I'm not trained."

"Doesn't matter."

"I'm unprepared."

"Doesn't matter."

"I'm still young."

"Doesn't matter."

"But why do I have to kill him? He's never done me any harm."

The man looked uncomfortable but it might have just been his chair. "Well,
actually he did try to kill you when you were young."

"Why?"

He shrugged. "No one knows."

"Why didn't he succeed?" She asked wonderingly.

"Something to do with love, no one really knows." He said simply.

"Why didn't my parents tell me?" She asked demandingly.

"They're both dead. Look, you just have to kill him that's all." He said
matter-of-factly.

Arya sighed. An untrained, young, inexperienced and unprepared child going
up against a lord as terrifying as Lord Fart. Could it really work.?

------

Author: VarysTheSpider

Dr. Seuss on the red wedding

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Cat was a very strange woman, at that,
You could say she was an aristocrat.
She was invited, to a par-tay,
She thought, hmm, I'll be on my way.

She came with her son, as an honoured guest,
And back at her home was an empty nest.
She hoped this party would not go astray,
No child's life did she want to pay.

But Lord Frey had a plan, a very nasty one
He killed her first son, he thought it was fun.
Cat was in shock, she knew not what to do,
She grabbed a dagger, she would use it too.
She found Frey's grandson, his name was Jinglebells,
She wanted to send him down to jinglehells.

As she held him there by the throat,
Here's what she said, and I quote:
I really do not like your town,
But I will not put this dagger down,
She said to Lord Frey, she said with a frown.

A son for a son, suggested Cat,
But Walder Frey laughed at that.
She had no choice, she had to act.
Lord Walder had refused her pact.

She slit his throat, she slit it good,
She slit his throat, as hard as she could.
Her next thoughts were of her man Ned,
And now she would join him as one of the dead.

------

Author: lordofthesox

Here comes Tom Clancy!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

As Joffrey entered the Council Room, he could see that everyone was busy. A
map was spread out on the table, and Tywin was studying it frantically.
"Morning, Your Highness. Haven't you slept well? You look awful." More awful
than usual, he didn't add. Joffrey poured himself some coffee, and proceeded
to bend down over the map as well. "Do we know when Stannis is coming?" "In
fact we do. FLOWERS sent a new report to Varys last week informing us about
the planned invasion, but the Spider just isn't giving us as much intel as
we could use nowadays". Cersei entered just in time to hear Tywin's last
statement, pouring herself a cup of coffee as well. "Varys is beginning to
be old. And not to mention the fact that he informed Kevan before talking to
Joffrey! He should be relieved of his command." "Cersei dear, there is no
need to worry", Tywin proclaimed. "Our fleet has been armed with this new
special arrow technology that we stole from an Asshai factory two months
ago. Not to mention the fact that we have seeing tubes, and will spot
Stannis' fleet long before he spots ours. Deny them information, enough not
to see the chain, and we will trap them and eliminate them."

------

Author: Nevyn

ASoiAf as if written by Ernest Hemingway...

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Tyrion sat down on a bench in the hold of the ship. The great blue sea was
knocking the ship around like a drunken boxer, and Tyrion felt like getting
quite tight now himself. He poured a tall glass of brandy. The old brandy,
that had never failed him. He sighed and let the brandy take his mind back
to days of his youth. He tried hard to remember, tried to see the tall trees
swaying in the wind, the high hills around the Rock. He had been happy then.
Then it came back, an old memory. He saw himself as he and Jaime rode about
their ancestral holdings. It was so easy to see it in his head now. He still
remembered with great clarity how they had found Tysha then. Even then, she
had been beautiful. She had loved him. He had thought it was true, then he
had learned otherwise, then once more learned it to be true. It was no good.
Lies, everything seemed one person's lie or another's. Damn them all to
hell, he thought. They all are all liars, even the good ones. He took
another big pull of the brandy and slammed the glass down. He stared out the
ship's porthole and it began to rain.

------

Author: Jacen Stormblade

Here's a Poe...

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

As Tyrion sat in his chambers
Deeply thinking, almost sleeping
He heard a creeping outside his door
'Tis the whore, that I adore,
That I hear outside my chambers doors
Only this, and nothing more.
In the moon arose a vision
Ghastly dead and bathed in crimson,
Of a king of yore
Clad for hunting, yet no more
Quote King Robert "I got Gored"
Only this and nothing more....

Or Lovecraft

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The other was hideous in it appearance, a monstrous thing from out of time
and space. Its skin was coated with a putrid growth, that glowed in the
darkness, revealing its gaunt, malformed figure. A slimy broth erupted from
where its mouth should have been, and it reach out of the shadows with
elongated limbs that bent and twisted in ways not of this earth. As a scream
tore from Jon's throat, he became aware of a deep hum coming from the
creature, a low, primordial tune, that was never meant to come from any
living creature. The sound grew louder, a litany of death and madness,
threatening to pull him under its dark current, and devour his very being....

------

Author: Tall Man 13

Monty Python

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Gregor: 'Tis but a scratch'
Oberyn: 'A scratch? I've pinned you to the bleedin' ground'
Gregor: 'No you haven't'
Oberyn: 'Well what's that bloomin' great spear doing then?'
Gregor: 'I'm invincible'
Oberyn: 'You're a psycho'

or

Oberyn: 'So, Tyrion, your sister - does she 'go'? Eh? Nudge, nudge. Wink,
wink'

------


Author: dajamieson

And now FRANZ KAFKA!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

When he woke up one morning from troubled dreams, Ser Waymar Royce discovered
he'd become a wight.

This was most bothersome for Waymar, as he was a common sort of man who
believed in doing his job, and hardly held with age-old wars to destroy the
race of men. Such things were foolishness, and he wondered why people would
dare persist in them. Still he could not deny that his hands were black, and
his eyes flickered blue, and his body most certainly felt stiff and cold,
and so, with a heavy heart, he went to see his dark masters, the Others.

The Others were sitting a dark room, with red floors, and black walls.
"You're late," announced one.

"I didn't know I was to come here at all,� stated Waymar.

"You always knew. You were born knowing. When you went to bed at nights,
this meeting was at the back of your mind. You planned ahead on it. But you
have arrived late, and now you try to deny it, and so you claim that did not
know," stated another Other.

"You are a fool and weakling," said another Other. "I despise you - yes,
despise you! You fill my heart with loathing!"

The first Other glanced at him again. "You are to go to Castle Black."

Waymar nodded. Yes, he would go to Castle Black, and there, perhaps, he
would slaughter those who opposed him, and the world would again make sense.
"Which way to Castle Black?"

The second Other laughed. "He wants to know the way to Castle Black." After
this, all the Others started to laugh in unison.

Eventually, the third Other spoke. "There is no Castle Black. There never
was a Castle Black. You imagined Castle Black."

Waymar felt colour rising to his cheeks, or would have, if his blood could
flow. "But you told me to go to Castle Black!"

The first Other shook its head. "We said no such thing. My how you lie! Has
there ever been such a liar as you...?"

------

Author: Rhialto the Marvellous

If Jane Austen had written ASOIAF

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

It was Lady Oleanna Tyrell's habit to partake of tea in the Great Hall every
day at 5pm. During this time she would gather around her those of her
relatives who were most in need of good matchmaking advice - for it is a
truth commonly acknowledged that a young woman of fine birth and finer
manners is most often in need of a helping hand where potential husbands are
concerned.
On this particular day her niece Margaery Tyrell, a young woman of uncommon
breeding and wit, sat next to Ned Stark's heir Sansa. Oleanna viewed Sansa
with something approaching distaste. It wasn't that the girl was lacking in
looks, indeed she had distinct possibilities, but something about her was
wrong. Perhaps, Lady Tyrell mused, it was true that these Northern girls
were bred differently - instead of a prince possibly Sansa would be happier
with a fine upstanding gentleman farmer. She ran the possibilities over in
her mind before alighting on the one she thought would best suit.
Delicately fingering the plate of honey cakes in front of her, she began her
assault.
"Sansa my dear - have you given any more thought to the plan we suggested."
Sansa stared wistfully round the hall.
"Lord Joffrey is a fine man my lady," she said. "But."
Margaery leaned over. "Don't fret, dear Sansa, we understand that a man of
Joffrey's uncommon good looks and fine manners might seem overwhelming at
first."
Oleanna held up one graceful hand. "Enough Margaery dear," she said employing
the commanding tone of voice that had so swiftly silenced the King himself.
"I have given some thought to your plight and come up with the perfect
solution. My grandson, I feel, would suit. He is a kind man and one whom I
feel in time you could come to love."
A slow blush spread over Sansa's cheeks. "Oh your ladyship how wonderful,"
she said. "I never dreamed that you would so clearly understand. I will
endeavour to do my best to make Ser Loras a fine wife."
"Silence child." Oleanna sighed inwardly. The girl was clearly more stupid
than even she had imagined.

------

Author: sarah

_____________________________________________________________________________

And now--Alfred Bester...

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The Demolished Dragon

Jaime Lannister's eyes flashed defiant on his savage face, a beast of prey
in the shape of a man. His hand gripped Rorge's throat. "Tell me who made
the order! And what are these Dragons I keep hearing about...?"

Rorge squirmed uncomfortable. "Don't know man, no. Keep me in the dark. I
just do job, see..."

Jaime snarled. "Damn you, you must know something..."

Rorge whimpered. "Hoat, man, Hoat. He do it, it him!"

Jaime shook his head. "No. Hoat's dead, and anyway he lacked the guts for
that kind of work. This order had a purpose..."

Rorge winced, the strain visible. "Don't know man, don't know..." Suddenly,
his head jerked back like a puppet on a string. There was a sickening crack,
and then he was dead.

Jaime's eyes darted around, wary. "Who's there? Answer me!"

An almost bodiless voice came back to him. Merely an interested party, Ser
Lannister. Do go on with your work.

Jaime ran towards where the voice seemed to come from. "Damn it, do you
think I don't know what you are? I've felt you before..."

Yes, you have. In Harrenhal. And then again in King's Landing. But don't let
that fact cloud your judgement...

Jaime stopped and screamed. "It was you wasn't it? You're the one who had
them maim me!"

There was a sort of rustling that might have served as a chuckle. Very
astute, Ser Lannister. But also incomplete...

"What are you saying?" Jaime snarled, looking desperately for an opponent he
could fight.

The clever man never reveals all his tricks. You should know that. The voice
paused. Though as you've no doubt realized, it involves dragons...

Jaime realized quickly that the presence was now gone. Choking back a cry of
rage he began to move again. So his enemy wanted to play games? Well, let
him. His agony had remade him into something more powerful than before, and
he had sworn that he would have his revenge.

Jaime walked ahead, not knowing where he would have to go, and not caring.

Far away, Bran opened his eyes. "He does not suspect. He has only the merest
inklings of what we intend..."

Tyrion glanced at him, worried. "This is a dangerous move, I'd say. Jaime
Lannister is far too unwieldy to be used so lightly."

Bran smirked at him, a cynical expression on his face. "Are you sure you're
not letting personal feelings cloud your judgement, Tyrion?"

Tyrion shrugged. "He is my brother, but that's not what worries me. Jaime is
all temper, no discipline..."

Dany nodded. "I agree. We've spent too much time on the Dragons to risk
this. If this goes wrong - then we have nothing left..."

Bran shook his head. "We have no choice. Jaime is what is needed to unlock
the Dragon's powers. He is an unstable tool, yes, but an unstable tool is
what's needed for this job." Bran leaned back in his chair. "Besides, I've
included a safety." He shut his eyes. "Arya...?"

Yes, brother.

"Is he still in your sights..."

Say the word and he is dead...

Bran nodded. "Very good sister. That is all." He opened his eyes, and
regarded his fellows amusedly. "It takes an animal to kill an animal, does
it not?" His expression straightened. "This may have begun with vengeance,
but it's moved beyond that. Jaime is the trigger." A cold smile crossed his
face. "And we hold the gun..."

In the distance, a wolf howled.

------

Author: Rhialto the Marvellous

Well, here goes a piece written by a group of "female novelists" headed by Barbara Delinsky and Danielle Steel.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Chapter 1

Brienne gave a last critical look to her outfit. The pink sateen lay loosely
around her small breasts, embraced her waist tightly and then fall to her
feet in generous folds. Brienne acquired this dress by chance, and now it
was the only thing that she could wear for the occasion. The hand-made
Myrish lace decorated the bodice generously, and made it unnecessary to add
any other accessories. So from jewellery Brienne left only a small bracelet
with pink garnets given to her by her father. It matched the colour of her
dress marvellously.

It was an important event, meeting with the bear. Brienne wondered for a
moment if Jaime will be there, but than she was angry at herself for her own
silliness. She knew very well, that Jaime had left Harrenhal yesterday.
Besides, even if he did not, he cared not for her, that much was obvious.
"Remember, he saw you all naked, and he acted like you were a piece of
furniture? No, Brienne, you should stop dreaming about THAT man. He is rude,
impossible and he is in love with that fabulous Cersei," said Brienne to
herself and went on with her chores. Indeed, who can afford to dream of
Jaime, when they have a bear to face?

Chapter 2.

Jaime did not know why he went back to Harrenhal. May be it was that vision
of Brienne's fabulous body in the dim bathhouse that he caught by chance,
may be it was something else, he did not realize yet. So he was back in
Harrenhal. It was not long before he found Brienne, of course surrounded by
other men's attention as she was fighting a bear in the bear pit. Jaime
found himself admiring the woman again. He was getting used to living with
that admiration. And she had fabulous body too. One can say immediately that
she spent long hours in a gym. Jaime did not notice how he jumped down the
bear pit too involved into his fantasies about Brienne. The fantasies he
should not have had. After all he was a Kingslayer and in love with that
fabulous Cersei - a wonderful woman like Brienne deserved more.

------

Author: Domi

Here we go, folks, "ASOIAF" as interpreted by Emily Bronte

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Sansa Stark's unearthly beauty was only enhanced by the soft melancholy in
her eyes, which seemed to gaze through objects, as though she were not
looking at them at all, but at some distant scene yet to come.

Sandor crossed the room in two big strides, then took her in his arms and
covered her face with kisses, thousands of kisses, more kisses than he had
ever given or received in his lifetime, though he found it agony to look
upon her face, the face he had loved for so long and yet would never have,
as she was married to another.

'I shall never be at peace,' said Sansa, 'for as long as we are parted peace
shall never find me. And parted we shall be, for I shall die.'

He wrenched free of her and ground his teeth. 'You deserve death, for you
had no right to refuse me, to marry another man. You are cruelty itself, and
false.'

Sansa moaned and was overcome with a paroxysm of the heart, and covered her
face to hide the livid emotion which was plainly written upon it. 'You're
not the Sandor I knew, the Sandor who is captured inside my soul, as I am
enclosed inside this prison. Soon I shall escape into the glorious world
beyond this one, where I shall be so far and above you that you will seem
most insignificant. I shall love you yet; do not be sullen.'

Sandor caressed her as she clasped his neck. 'Truly you must be possessed by
R'hllor,' cried he savagely as he looked upon the bloodless vindictiveness
on her white face. 'You torment me now, and will even when you are taken
from me and buried deep within the earth. The words you say to me now will
haunt me for all time; may YOU not rest so long as I am living!'

'Let me alone, let me alone,' sobbed Sansa.

'WHY did you despise and betray me; I, who was your own heart? No god could
have parted us, no force in this or any other realm, excepting YOUR own
will. Haunt me then, as the murdered to their murderers, do not abandon me
to this abyss in which I cannot find you!'

He dashed his head until the blood flowed and howled like some great hound,
and his lover observed that he was quite beyond being consoled or quieted.
Sansa held him as tightly as her strength would allow, a mad resolution in
her mind, her tears washing his face.

'You must not go,' sobbed she, 'for this is the last time! I have done wrong
and I am paying for it! I shall die, I shall die!'

------

Author: Nichol Storm

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

JOFFREY I (PART 2)

Act 5 Scene ii

Enter Littlefinger

Littlefinger :

To both the sisters have I sworn my love,
But only one of them stayed constant to me.
A pity it's the one I never cared for!
Which of them did I take? Both? One? Well...Lysa -
I knocked her up. But was it Cat that first time?
I thought so then - it's why I challenged Brandon.
(What a romantic fool calf love had made me!)
But if it was, why did she spurn me later?
Now I think back, I really can't be certain.
(Well, it was dark....I'd had a few too many.....)
In any case, Cat went and married Eddard -
After old Aerys barbecued his father
And Brandon learnt that threatening a Dragon
In public is a very bad idea -
So in revenge I "leaked" to all and sundry
That I had had her first! And Hoster Tully,
He wouldn't even let me marry Lysa,
The pompous prat! She went to old Jon Arryn,
With lots of Tully archers as a sweetener.
But I showed them! Oh no... hang on a minute -
That revelation's for a later volume!
(The GUCT crowd have got an inkling
But Martin still has quite a few surprises
Tucked up his sleeve, and plenty of red herrings -
My money is on him to keep them guessing.)
Where was I? Oh yes! Lysa came in handy
With my career, and then, when I was ready,
I tipped the wink to her to off her husband
And write that letter to the Starks accusing
The Lannisters - and all the rest is history!
I really have been very very clever.
Cut to the chase! I've got my hands on Sansa,
Who is the spitting image of her mother
At the same age - it's really quite uncanny -
And much to my surprise the little ninny
Is causing me some very odd sensations.
Does this derail my plans? To take young Sansa
Exasperates, makes mad her aunty Lysa
(Though she's been pretty flaky now for ages
In any case, as well as fat and maudlin,
And doting on her wretched puling offspring)
And hardly shall I carry out my side,
Her husband being alive...but then he won't be,
Thanks to the Tyrells, so that just leaves Lysa.
Do I still need her? What about young Robert?
And Sansa's masquerading as my bastard,
Which could prove awkward. Well, let's wait and see.
I trust the inspiration of the moment.
Though deeplaid schemes are good, they're hardly needed
When everyone around me is so stupid.
I've got it all now - title, money, land,
Revenge on those who slighted me before,
And this is just the start. From no-one to...
King perhaps? As I 'm sure you'll all agree
I've earned it! Oh, the cleverness of me!

------

Author: The Sea King's Daughter

WAITING FOR STANNIS By Samuel Beckett...

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

(A stage with a large tree. TYRION and POD stand next to it, dressed as
bums.)

POD. Why are we here?

TYRION. We're waiting for Stannis.

POD. What if he doesn't come?

TYRION. He'll come.

POD. But what if he doesn't.

TYRION. Then we'll wait for him tomorrow.

POD. You said that yesterday.

TYRION. I did not!

POD. Yes, you did.

TYRION. All right, I did, but only because you asked me yesterday.

POD. I did not.

TYRION. Yes, you did.

POD. What will we do when he gets here?

TYRION. Kill him.

POD. What?

TYRION. We'll kill him.

POD. Well then why would he come if he knows he'll die?

TYRION. He doesn't know that. In fact, he thinks he'll kill us.

POD. And what if he does?

TYRION. What?

POD. Kill us.

TYRION. He won't.

POD. But what if he does?

(Tyrion shrugs)

TYRION. Well, it will be a change of scenery.

(Pod glares at him.)

POD. Why'd you say that?

TYRION. I thought it was clever.

POD. Well it wasn't.

TYRION. Someone's coming.

(Bronn and Varys walk onstage. Bronn is leading Varys on a rope.)

BRONN. Why are you on my land?

TYRION. We're waiting for Stannis.

BRONN. And why--oh, bugger all this. I'm the wrong character for this sort
of nonsense...

(He walks offstage, and pushes Littlefinger on. Littlefinger grabs Varys's
rope, and glances at Tyrion.)

LITTLEFINGER. And why are you waiting for Stannis?

TYRION. To kill him.

LITTLEFINGER. What?

TYRION. To kill him.

LITTLEFINGER. What?

TYRION. To kill him!

LITTLEFINGER. What?

TYRION. TO KILL HIM!

LITTLEFINGER. Well, you don't have to yell.

(He walks off, yanking Varys after him. Varys is annoyed)

VARYS. But I didn't do my speech...

LITTLEFINGER. Just forget it.

VARYS. Can I at least have a line?

LITTLEFINGER. No.

(They walk off. Davos enters.)

DAVOS. Stannis sent me to tell you he won't be coming.

TYRION. Have we met?

DAVOS. Of course not. We haven't even shared a scene.

(He exits. Pod looks at Tyrion.)

POD. Can we go now?

TYRION. No.

POD. Why not?

TYRION. Because we're wait- oh, Bronn had the right idea. Let's go Pod.
There's a brothel and a bottle of wine with my name on it...

(They exit.)

FIN
------

Author: Rhialto the Marvellous

If Matt Stone and Trey Parker wrote ASOIAF:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

"Oh my God! They killed Ned!"
"You bastards!"
"Oh my God! They killed Robb!"
"You bastards!"
Oh my God! They killed Oberyn!"
"You Bastards!"

Jon Scowls, "I had nothing to do with it! Anyway they need me now to avenge
my father and my half brother, so screw you guys, I'm going home!"

Bran looks thoughtful, "You know, I learned something today. It doesn't
matter if my legs will ever work, what matters is me trying my best to learn
to use the abilities I have. So I can go and totally destroy the
Lannisters!"

"Errrrrlivnalie, Hodor!"

------

Author: Drawkcabi

A Song of Ice and Fire by the late (and great) Douglas Adams.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

A Freerider's guide to the Seven Kingdoms (Don't Panic!)


In the unfashionable northern end of Westeros live a family that go by the
name of Stark. There are many things odd about this family when compared
with the rest of Westeros. Firstly, they like the cold, which is strange in
itself, and secondly, they value honour, which is equally strange if only
because it is as equally bad for your health as the cold. In fact, maesters
in the Citadel (living in the hot, as normal people should) have shown that
there is a clear link health wise between valuing honour and beating
yourself over the head with a spiked club while riding on the back of a
shark.

This family's head is a man named Eddard Stark. He looks a lot like any
other man of Westeros, with brown hair, a brown beard and strong arms for
when he had to dispose of deserters, poachers and criminals. i.e. Not anyone
to lose sleep over. What makes him especially like many people in Westeros
is that he is missing a head. Not that this is a big problem, however,
because were the head and body reunited it would not result in the
spontaneous reanimation of his corpse, as even the Maesters with their
limited medical knowledge can tell you.

Bran is the second smallest of the household and formerly liked to spend
his free time climbing about on the rooftops. This activity came to an
abrupt end when he lost the use of his legs, as annoying to him as it was to
Hodor, who then had to carry a boy around on his back for the better part of
a day. Even a man as mentally handicapped as Hodor would be hard pushed not
to notice how Bran is taking advantage of him.

Most recently, Catelyn, the Lady of the House, is often at a loss for words.
This may be partly due to the gaping knife wound she suffered in her neck,
but many people have theorised that this may simply be her way of realising
that many of her past problems have been due to the fact that she could
talk, and now, given a second chance of life in Westeros, has vowed never to
make the same mistakes again. In earlier, happier times she liked to
light candles under statues and worry a lot.

Robb is the oldest of the family and stuck to the Stark tradition of
worshipping trees. Another Stark tradition Robb has stuck to is dying at a
young age. He is certainly his father's son. However, it could be argued
that he actually improved upon his father, because though he did lose his
human head, he gained a wolf one in its place. Though, admittedly, this
didn't help him much in the present, it shows promising things for the
future.

Sansa Stark is the oldest girl of the family. What little space she has in
her head is filled with songs and stories about knights. Though not directly
following on with most Stark traditions (preferring to worship statues
rather than trees, as any rational person would) it is often said by many
that she doesn't have a head on her shoulders. And though not willing to
contribute herself to this tradition, she nonetheless tried her utmost to
make sure her father did, though to be fair she felt a bit bad about it
afterwards.

Arya Stark is the adventurer of the family and enjoys long treks around the
Riverlands. She is often mistaken for a boy and this could be the reason
that she has decided to become a Faceless man, mistakenly believing she was
to become a Headless Man and thinking to do her bit for the Stark family,
being jealous of Sansa's empty headedness and Robb's wolf head.

Rickon liked to scream and set his wolf on people. He enjoyed the crypts of
Winterfell (though his fondness of the dead is premature even for a male
Stark). At present his position is unknown, but it has been said by a few
(well, a couple. Well, one) that Rickon and Osha are in fact Hodor in
disguise. This would explain Hodor's size, if nothing else. The holes in his
twist can be put down to being attention freaks, and not appreciating a good
thing when you see it.

Remember, Don't Panic!

------

Author: VarysTheSpider

ASOIAF iby Matt Groening:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Scene:
A grossly overweight and bald Ned sits under the heart tree, patiently
waiting for the arrival of Cersei. He is eating a club sandwich.

Cersei arrives.

Ned's Brain: Don't tell her you know about her incest.
Ned: I know about your incest. Grrr!
Ned: D'oh!
Ned's Brain: OK, that one slipped past, just don't tell her you're going to
tell Robert.
Ned: I'm going to tell Robert.
Ned: D'oh!
Ned's Brain: I'm getting out of here.

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Author: The Prentice Boy

[Antoniusz]

Kafka one is gold.
TBH why noone wrote a piece like Stephanie Meyer

[Túrin_Turambar]

[HannibalExMachina]

love the satires, now find me a feminist approach!

[Skizbot]

Loved the chatroom one. Beckett was good too, though instead of Stannis as Godot it should have been Dany- Westeros has been sitting around waiting for her for 5 books.

[HannibalExMachina]

ask ros!

http://askros.tumblr.com/

you know you want to..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature&v=-MWO_KpVYgU

[Captain Zoran]

That Terry Pratchett one was great!