My name is Matt and I am 27 and a half years old. I enjoy walking my dog, walking my wife, reading the twilight books and watching rugby. I watch as much rugby as I can. Often I have to cover my eyes because I'm afraid someone will get hurt, but the adrenaline this fear gives me is half the reason I enjoy the game.
I am writing to you because I think you may have made a grave error. I was searching the interweb while I was at work (totally on a break) and I was looking at the French team for this Saturday's 6 nations fixture against Ireland. There was nothing strange about this, aside from the uncomfortable and shameful feeling that washes over me when the camera does a close up of Dimitri Szarzewski.
Imagine my shock, then, when I noticed the referee for this game was Dave Pearson!!
This has led me to believe that you, IRB, are one of two things;
1 - You are just a group of normal guys who have made a common error - an oversight. You are so busy enjoying your luck, by living off a sport that you do not play, that you haven't even realised that Mr Pearson is still an accredited referee, and in charge of one of the biggest games of the championship. You probably assumed that by now Mr Pearson was officiating games of the correct standard for his ability - ideally the North Tyneside mixed tag under 9s.
2 - You are a twisted, sadistic group of former people, who have decided that Irish rugby is evil and must be punished for yet to be named crimes against humanity. You have set up shop in Dublin as to get an insider's view on how best to bring down the IRFU.
This leads us to the offender in chief, Mr Pearson.
I have never met someone before who has selective sight. In fact, I'm not sure if it is an officially recognised medical condition. When I have finished with this email, I'll contact some people I know in medical research to check it out. You never know, we may have discovered something here. "Why did you walk into that lamppost? are you ok?" "I'm fine, it happens all the time. I've got Pearsons".
That is a conversation you could potentially hear in the next few years. But I digress.
Did you see the Clermont Auvergne vs Ulster game in the final pool stage of the Heineken cup? I did. At the time I was confused, as I was under the impression that tackling someone who did not have the ball, was not part of a ruck, and indeed was on the defending team was some sort of offence. Selective sight Pearson disagreed, and Ulster's home quarter final was kaput.
But apparently shafting a province was merely an appetizer in Pearson's meal of inadequacy. The main course was saved for Lansdowne road on Sunday. Bradley Davies assault on Donncha Ryan happened right in front of Mr Pearson. This must have put him in quite the pickle. He obviously didn't have selective sight as a viable option this time. I can only imagine the sweat running down his brow as he approached Wayne Barnes, and the sheer relief he felt when Barnes said he didn't see anything. This was Pearson's opportunity. He could downplay the incident, and make sure Wales finished the game with a full compliment of players. It should be noted that this does not exonerate Barnes, who should have treated Pearson's recommendation for a yellow card the way I treat my nephew's recommendation of angel delight for dinner - laughter and pity. Quite how anyone can have the testicular fortitude to recommend a yellow card for something that qualifies as Actual Bodily Harm is actually impressive. You may need to provide him with a wheelbarrow for his massive balls to keep up with play come Saturday.
I am curious as to how Pearson can complete this trilogy of heartbreak, as he is doubtless keen to do. How can he top last Sunday? Is he going to trip Tommy Bowe? Stab Sean O'Brien at half time? Pepper spray Paul O'Connell during the coin toss?
I look forward in anticipation of your response and the naming of a new referee for Saturday post haste.