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Thread: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (not really)

  1. #1

    Default Oh dear- A pirate AAR (not really)

    Part 1- Mandatory Exposition.
    Whereupon I start establishing a narrative. Union rules. What can I say?

    "Row row yer boat, gently down sea.
    Merrily merrily merrily merrily
    Life is like a dream"

    Pirate First Mate- If yer dont mind me be a askin' captain, why you be so merrily a-singin' today.
    Pirate Captain- 'Cause the tide has changed. Arr!
    Pirate First Mate- Well considerin' that we're on a boat close to shore, if the tide be a-changin', we be a-screwed.
    Pirate Captain- Arr! That was what you might be callin' a metaphor sonnie. What I be sayin' is that the wind has turn'd.
    Pirate First Mate- Still screwed.
    Pirate Captain- Yet another metaphor flies over yer head like the dishes yer wife throws when ye be a-comin' home late at night.
    Pirate First Mate- Knowin' that I be a hard drinking man, 'tis possible that I may indeed have, in the midst of a rum-fueled drinkin' binge, tied yee olde knot wit' some bonny lass. But I do not be a recallin' no dish throwin' wife.
    Pirate Captain- To use this a-refined language on yer wax-clogged ears is the very definin' o' futility. What I meant to be a sayin' is that our luck be a changing'
    Pirate First Mate- How so captn'?
    Pirate Captain- We are no longer a-relegated to the obscurity of side-charactership, the utilitarian exploitation of our colourful personalities for the sake of comic relief in measured installments to alleviate the tedium of plot. We my scallywagging friend are now protagonists.

    Narrator- And indeed they were. The lovable (and dare I say, handsome) pirates, known for their crazed antics and futile publicity stunts, were moving up in the world-
    Narrator 2- Indeed they were Narrator 1. No longer amusing bugs scampering atop the exquisite robe that is Broken Crescent, these pirates were now to be protagonists.
    Narrator 1- Who are you and what the flying **** are you doing here?
    Narrator 2- I, my confused friend am your co-narrator. We are the narratorial (not a word) equivalent of a slightly less homoerotic batmen and robin.
    Narrator 1- This is ********.
    Narrator 2- ******** it may be, but thats when you get when you let Vizier 2.0 write your contracts. And to be honest, considering his track record, you got off light.
    Narrator 1- Point taken. So where were we?
    Narrator 2- I believe we were to do that most pointless of AARs rituals, initial exposition.
    Narrator 1- Where we expound upon the the starting situation of the faction boring our readers to death?
    Narrator 2- Yep.
    Narrator 1- Complete with pointless and poorly framed screenshots?
    Narrator 2- Correcto-mundo.



    Narrator 2- The kingdom of Oman, composed of a single fortress and not-a-****ing-thing-else. A place so isolated even they don't where they are.
    Narrator 1- A kingdom which, for narrative reasons, was run by pirates.
    Narrator 2- Even though in actuality it was a fundamentalist state.
    Narrator 1- Which is like, totally not rock'n'roll.
    Narrator 2- Unless you count jihadist death metal (author's note- yes it actually exists. Save yourself and do not look it up. I'm warning you)
    Narrator 1- And that was the author interrupting my flow
    Narrator 2- He does it from time to time.
    Narrator 1- Inconsiderate prick.



    Narrator 2- And here we have our ruler, Great Imam Mushed.
    Narrator 1- Except we're ignoring the fact he's an Imam.
    Narrator 2- And his traits.
    Narrator 1- Aspiring Commander? Religiously Devout? Noble in Battle? This man is the anti-pirate.
    Narrator 2- Actually its best we just make up an entirely new bio page for him.
    Narrator 1- To the paint-mobile.
    Narrator 2- You ain't batman and I certainty ain't no robin, kid.
    Narrator 1- It was your metaphor.



    Narrator 1- At least we kept the name
    Narrator 2- Yeah I thought that was a nice touch.
    Narrator 1- So... more exposition?
    Narrator 2- Its an AAR, not insomnia medication.
    Narrator 1- Guess the rest will have to wait.
    Narrator 2- For what?
    Narrator 1- Part 2, of course.
    Last edited by notenome; September 12, 2011 at 11:46 PM.
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  2. #2

    Default Re: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (definetly)

    Part 2- Rules are rules
    Whereupon ships get build.

    Narrator 1- So where were we?
    Narrator 2- You sure love those alliterations.
    Narrative 1- *ahem*



    Narrator 1- The Great Mufti Kahlan, heir to the Omanese (I'm winging it here) throne. A man of-
    Narrator 2- Woah.
    Narrator 1- Now what?
    Narrator 2- Dude. Look at him.
    Narrator 1- What, he wears a mask? I am NOT recycling that joke.
    Narrator 2- Heir apparent? Well that's obvious. Aspiring Commander? That makes sense. Very Loyal? Fits the bill. Sanguinary! This... we can use this.
    Narrator 1- Like, no editing?
    Narrator 2- Yep.
    Narrator 1- No bad paint drawings?
    Narrator 2- Ahum.
    Narrator 1- Like, just use what the game gave us?
    Narrator 2- He's the First mate. On a platter.
    Narrator 1- ... Well Great Mufti is a funny title.
    Narrator 2- Not very fear inducing, to be sure.
    Narrator 1- 'Oh no it's the great muffin.'
    Narrator 2- Something like that.
    Narrator 1- Should we go back to exposing?
    Narrator 2- That just sounds wrong.

    Narrator 1- As the heir to the throne, First Mate Kahlan, the Great Muffin knew the pirate kingdom of Oman had to expand to survive.

    Kahlan- Arr, Captn! As the heir to the throne I be a-knowin' that the kingdom of Oman a-needs to be a-expandin' in order to be a-survivin'.
    Pirate Captain Murshed- Arr! Ye be right about that sonnie. But we be pirates. Walkin' is fer landlubbers.
    Kalhan- But we not be havin' any boats.
    Pirate Captain Murshed- So build yee some boats!
    Kahan- It's right next door! If I jog I'd be there before tea time.
    Murshed- Rules are rules sonnie. I donna make 'em I jus' follow 'em. Arr!
    Kahlan- But but but...
    Murshed- We be pirates. Not savages.



    Narrator 1- And so it was that for six months the Omani army watched a ship be built.
    Narrator 2- To be fair, it was a pretty epic shipbuilding.
    Narrator 1- How do you figure?
    Narrator 2- The ship had purple sails.
    Narrator 1- Touche! Are we done here?
    Narrator 2- How bout some lightning fast exposition?
    Narrator 1- Deal.



    Narrator 2- Behind door number 1, we have Umar, an unintersting teenager with bad taste in music.
    Narrator 1- Contestant number 2 is Ghassam, a spy and 'adept agent'. Go figure.
    Narrator 2- Last but not least, Amr- small name, small role. A good diplomat, but not a very diplomatic diplomat. So we're not going there again.
    Narrator 1- To the west we have the rebel town of Suhar, not that you care.
    Narrator 2- And the capital Nizwa, which is also slang. As in 'What's up my Nizwa?"
    Narrator 1- That's borderline offensive.
    Narrator 2- Then I guess its good Im a disembodied text rolling along your screen.
    Narrator 1-... alright you got me there.
    Narrator 2- Onto part 3!
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  3. #3
    DevrimJan's Avatar Semisalis
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    Default Re: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (definetly)

    Yay, we're going back to comedy!
    My rig.

    Gainward GTX 570
    Intel Core i-7 Sandybridge 2600K
    Asus P8Z68-V Pro Z68 Motherboard
    8GB RAM
    2TB Hardrive
    850W Corsair PSU

    Ok, this thread is over.
    My list of most anticipated mods:

  4. #4

    Default Re: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (definetly)

    Part 3- Catapults suck
    Whereupon catapult operators fail their sobriety test

    Narrator 1- So it was that the winter of 1174 the Omani Pirates landed off the coast of Suhar.
    Narrator 2- With them the Omanis brought four catapults, fearsome siege engines capable of tearing down the mightiest walls.
    Narrator 1- If they could hit.
    Narrator 2- Which they couldn't.

    The Outskirts of Suhar

    First Mate Kahlan- Arr! Order the catapults int-ah position.
    Catapult Operator 1- Yesshhhsir. We'll do.
    Catapult Operator 2- Jush lemme take another shwing o' dhis wine here *hic*



    Catapult Operator 1- Dish looksh about right *hic*
    Catapult Operator 2- *snore*
    First Mate Kahlan- The other way you drunken louts!
    Catapult Operator 1- I'm not dwunk. Maybe a little bit tipshy. But drunk? Noooooooooooooooo. No shir. Nevah!
    First Mate Kahlan- This is gon' tar' be more a-complicated than I had been a-anticpatin'.

    Narrator 1- It took awhile for the operators to sober up, but eventually they got the siege engines in position.
    Narrator 2- A prolonged artillery barrage commenced, bringing ruin to Suhar.
    Narrator 1- Ruin equal to 10% gate damage.
    Narrator 2- Before they ran out of stones.
    Narrator 1- And the battle ended. Truly an epic beginning to a great empire.



    Narrator 2- So it was that in the summer of 1175 the Omani pirates besieged Suhar.
    Narrator 1- Again.
    Narrator 2- Hoping their siege engines, affectionately know as the 'Can't-Hit-for-**** Catapults' would do their job. Provided the operators could lay off the sauce.
    Narrator 1- A big if.

    The Outskirts of Suhar, take II

    Catapult Operator 1- Ninety bottles o' rum on da wall.
    Catapult Operator 2- Dude, where's my car?


    Narrator 1- Though they'd all swear there were three walls and not one-
    Narrator 2- And none of them would sit still for a second.
    Narrator 1- The catapults still managed to blow a hole into Suhar. A hole one year in the making.
    Narrator 2- A hole soon flooded by Omani soldiers.



    Narrator 1- And plugged by their bodies.



    First Mate Kahlan- If yer be wantin' to make an omelet, yer gotta break some eggs.
    Omani general- That's one bloody ****ing omelet.



    Narrator 2- Yes, in their first battle the Omani Pirates lost half their troops.
    Narrator 1- Technically it was their second battle.
    Narrator 2- Duly noted my anal retentive co-narrator.
    Narrator 1- Such is the way empires are forged, to be sure.

    Catapult Operator 1- *startled* Wha?! Where ish everyone? Ish da battle over?
    Last edited by notenome; August 26, 2011 at 01:10 AM.
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  5. #5
    Kabeloko's Avatar Biarchus
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    Default Re: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (definetly)

    "dude wheres my car??" XD

    great AAR + rep
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

  6. #6

    Default Re: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (definetly)

    Part 4- Justice is Blind
    Whereupon I am put on trial

    Narrator 1- After their global-overpopulation reducing conquest of Suhar, the Omani Pirates turned their attention to Muscat. A town remarkable for its nothing.
    Narrator 2- Truly the greatest nothing in all the land.
    Narrator 1- Nothing of the most impeccable quality, to say the least.

    Outside Muscat

    Catapult Operator 1- So I walksh in da door, ecshpectin' to be greeted by mah wife, an' whut do I shee?
    Catapult Operator 2- Wha?
    Catapult Operator 1- My besh friend. Wif her. Doin' thingsh she wouldnt even do wif me. *sobbing* I lovesh her. I can't helpsh it if I lovesh her. Why, whysh it have ta besh shooo bad. Why'sh love have to hurtsh sho muchs *sobbing*
    Catapult Opeartor 2- Thatsh howible... howible... I dunno wha tah say- wait, Im not yer besh fwiend?
    Catapult Operator 1- *snore*

    Narrator 1- Despite, or perhaps because of, their intoxication, the catapults managed to create a breach in Muscat's defenses. A bloody battle ensued, but once again-
    Narrator 2- Alright stop.
    Narrator 1- Stop?
    Narrator 2- Yes stop right there.
    Narrator 1- What the hell are you doing?
    Narrator 2- I'm bringing a dose of truth to this AAR.
    Narrator 1- I- but- what- ... huh?
    Narrator 2- You'll see. *ahem*
    *dramatic pause*
    Narrator 2- Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, what we have seen today is a farce. A cover-up. A veil that has been thrown up over your eyes to blind you from the truth. Now I'm not a big city narratah like my fine colleague over here, but if there's one thing I *know* is a lie when I see one. And I see a big fat smelly lie in this update. Now if you'll please turn your attention to exhibit A.


    Exhibit A

    Narrator 2- Notice how in the foreground we have men, yes men, spearmen to be precise, standing under fire. Though their bravery is not to be questioned- far from it! - their judgement seems a trifle awkward, donnit? Why are spearmen standing under fire from archers not one hundred feet away?


    Exhibit B

    Narrator 2- And here we have exhibit B, where we can bear full witness to the rottenness, the unSPEAKable heinousness of the acts commited by the author on that fatefull day, September the third, 1175. Not one, not two, but three groups of archers, in the open, in plain sight. Firing upon helpless spearmen. Now the question you need to be askin' yourselves today, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is why. Why did those men die such foolish deaths, why did this reckless endangerment occur?

    *dramatic pause*

    Narrator 2- I'll tell you why. Because this man *points at the author as he's typing* is an exploiter *gasp*. A no good, cheap, cheatin', low life exploiter of AI bugs. Yes I know it may be hard for us to look upon him and come to such harsh conclusions, with his boyish good looks and 'come-hither' eyes. But we must look past that, look past the wit, charm and overabundance of literary talent. For this man is evil. E-VIL. A man who seeks to earn his keep not like a common man, through hard work and dead ghazis. No. That would imply hard work. Strategizin'. So instead he exploits the bugs in the AI code, in order to make a cheap-
    Narrator 1- I object!
    Judge- I'll allow it.
    Narrator 1- If the author was so keen to exploit bugs, how did he loose two hundred men during the siege.
    Narrator 2- Well I can answer that. You see, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, whilst the author was busy takin' screenshots of his heinous deeds, for what foul purposes I do not know, the enemy general charged his light cavalry and javeliners. Just because he is evil, does not mean he is not incompetent. Something we must all be grateful for.
    *pause*
    Narrator 2- In closing, I'd like you to remember those fallen spearmen, standing bravely in the breach. Did they have to die such foolish deaths that day? Who, I ask, will mourn for them? Now I know, we cannot bring them back, they are gone for ever and the loss to their digital families is irreplaceable, a hole which, unlike the one you've seen, can never be repaired, never be filled. But we can give them justice! Yes, justice. Do not let narrator 1 fool you with his big words and fancy talk. Do not let him put a veil over your eyes with his lies and deceit. Look inside yourselves, look inside your souls and ask, 'Is that, is that how I want my son to die?' Needlessly slaughtered amidst the ruins of the very city he is tryin' to defend? So I ask of you today, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, to do your civic duty and convict this man. Convict this exploiter. And let him never hurt another pixel again. Thank you, and god bless.
    Last edited by notenome; August 26, 2011 at 09:15 PM.
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  7. #7
    DevrimJan's Avatar Semisalis
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    Default Re: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (definetly)

    Quote Originally Posted by notenome View Post
    boyish good lucks
    My rig.

    Gainward GTX 570
    Intel Core i-7 Sandybridge 2600K
    Asus P8Z68-V Pro Z68 Motherboard
    8GB RAM
    2TB Hardrive
    850W Corsair PSU

    Ok, this thread is over.
    My list of most anticipated mods:

  8. #8

    Default Re: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (definetly)

    Part 5- All in the Family
    Whereupon an anarcho-sindicalist commune is oppressed by a dictatorial adolescent holding on to fading imperialist dogma

    Nizwa, winter 1175

    Messenger- My sultan, I have a message for you.
    Captain Murshed- Aye? Out wit' it lad?
    Messenger- A young man of fit breeding asks for her hand in marriage.
    Captain Murshed- I have a daughter?
    Messenger- Indeed you do.
    Captain Murshed- I need to start layin' off the booze.



    Narrator 1- And so it was that Princess Arwa was married at the tender age of eighteen to Tareq al-Baheli.
    Narrator 2- Who was fifteen.
    Narrator 1- Damn.
    Narrator 2- Fifteen.
    Narrator 1- Kid's getting a head start.
    Narrator 2- When I was that age did I even know how to... you know... I mean.... fif-****ing-teen.
    Narrator 1- And she's three years older.
    Narrator 2- Life can be so unfair.
    Narrator 1- Tell me about it.
    Narrator 2- This is making me feel kinda lonely.
    Narrator 1- Wanna come over to my place latter?
    Narrator 2- ...
    Narrator 1- ...
    Narrator 2- *ahem* As a gift to the newly wed couple, Murshed gave Tareq an army and told him to conquer Sur.
    Narrator 1- Because teenagers make the best generals.

    Outside Sur, 1176, Tareeq approaches some peasants tending the fields outside the city

    Tareeq- Hello my good man, could you tell me where I might find your ruler.
    Peasant 1- Oy guv'ner, we ain't got no rulers here.
    Tareeq- No ruler? Then who commands you?
    Peasant 1- We command ourselves.
    Peasant 2- We're an anarcho sindicalist commune y'hear. By takin' all decisions in our hands we hope achieve progress by breakin' the systematic self perpetuatin' cycle of bollocks class oppression.
    Tareeq- But then who is your lord?
    Peasant 1- We ain't got not bloody lord. I've told you.
    Peasant 2- We take turns electin' an executive offissah of the week. But all his decisions must be approved by a bi-weekly cameral assembly.
    Peasant 1- Precis'ly. And now that we've cleared up that load rubbish, who might you be guv'ner?
    Tareeq- My name is Tareeq al-Baheli. And I have come to rule your town-
    Peasant 1- Rule us? Now listen mate, with what legitimacy do you have to ride up here and proclaim yourself our overlord?
    Tareeq- Because I married the Sultan's daughter.
    Peasant 1- *shrieking* Married the Sultan's daughter? I'm sorry mate but shagging some underage tart is by no means a basis for a system of government.
    Tareeq- I'll not have you talk that way about my wife!
    Peasant 1- Can you imagine if I ran around bedding every teenage piece of arse I saw and then proclaimin' meh-self king o' the land? Quite and insult to the father I'd reckon. 'Yes my good sir, I plowed your daughter and now I get to tell ya what to do.'
    Peasant 2- The pits.
    Peasant 1- Chaos.
    Tareeq- *barely suppressed rage* I. Don't. Have. Time. For. This... I know you have a lord because I saw a general inside your village. Now if you'll please-
    Peasant 1- Oh you mean Sully?
    Tareeq- Who the hell is Sully?
    Peasant 1- He's our trimesterly elected general.
    Peasant 2- Kind of prone to delusions of grandeur, that one.
    Peasant 1- Yes but he's harmless enough, the lad.
    Tareeq- Look I don't care what it is you call yourselves, you will submit to our rule or-
    Peasant 1- Or else what mate? Or you'll use the threat of violence? See the injustice of the system laid bare before our eyes. The oppresion' o' the workin' classes. Here's wot I think. I think you're a representative of class society come to subdue the workers under yer heel.
    Peasant 2- Bloody fascist this one.
    *Tareeq slaps Peasant 2*
    Tareeq- I'll have no more of your insults peasants.
    Peasant 2- You see that? Dead give away there. You see him oppressing me?
    Peasant 1- Help! Help! We're being oppressed.
    Tareeq- I'll show you oppression.



    Narrator 1- And so Sur became a part of the Omani empire.
    Deceased Oppressed Peasant 1- More like, 'and so the capitalist system, driven by its insatiable appetite fer expansion, claimed another innocent-.'
    Narrator 1- What the hell are you doing here?
    Deceased Oppressed Peasant 1- I'm makin' sure that the material progression of history is properly represented and not letting you two turn it into another bugger-all load of bollocks.
    Narrator 1- *sigh* Anyways... And true to Omani tradition, Tareeq lost half his army in the process.
    Narrator 2- He'll fit right in with the rest of the family.
    Deceased Oppressed Peasant- Oy, mo' like, 'and so thousands o' members of the proletariat were sacrificed yet again on the pedestal of capitalist expansion, their heroic deaths equal only to their alienation from the wealth producing mechanism o' their society.' That's wot I think.
    Narrator 1- Goddamit... I can't... what the... just can't everybody... Four years studying at the Narrator's University for this... *sigh* I need a vacation.
    Last edited by notenome; August 29, 2011 at 01:24 PM.
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  9. #9
    DevrimJan's Avatar Semisalis
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    Default Re: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (definetly)

    Yeah baby!!!!!!!!!!
    My rig.

    Gainward GTX 570
    Intel Core i-7 Sandybridge 2600K
    Asus P8Z68-V Pro Z68 Motherboard
    8GB RAM
    2TB Hardrive
    850W Corsair PSU

    Ok, this thread is over.
    My list of most anticipated mods:

  10. #10

    Default Re: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (definetly)

    Vignette 1- THE CONE OF ****ING DEATH
    Whereupon things get slightly blown out of proportion

    Anchor- Hello, and thank you for tuning into PBS, the Pirate Broadcasting Service. Our top story today is Hurricane Al'ene, which has thankfully veered off the Omani coast and is now heading for India. Sucks to be them. For more updates we turn to our meteorologist Hassant Ghott'aclue.



    Meteorologist- WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!
    Anchor- Now surely with the latest news such-
    Meteorologist- START STOCKPILING ESSENTIAL GOODS NOW! I MEAN NOW! IT'S PROBABLY TOO LATE FOR YOU BUT MAYBE YOUR CHILDREN WILL LIVE TO REBUILD.
    Anchor- The hurricane isn't even going to make landfall-
    Meteorologist- WOOD! WATER! FOOD! OIL! IF YOU DON'T HAVE IT, KILL YOUR NEIGHBOR AND TAKE IT FROM HIM! IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
    Anchor- Surely that's not warranted-
    Meteorologist- THESE ARE THE END TIMES! CIVILIZATION ITSELF SHALL COLLAPSE! FORGIVE ME FATHER FOR I HAVE SINNED!
    Anchor- I think you're overreacting a bit.
    Meteorologist- THE EYE SEE'S EVERYTHING. NO ONE CAN ESCAPE THE ALL SEEING EYE! IT SEES YOU, SEES RIGHT THROUGH YOU.
    Anchor- It's not even a hurricane anymore, just a tropical storm!
    Meteorologist- I'M BUILDING AN ARC. I NEED A MALE AND FEMALE OF EVERY SPECIES.
    Anchor- If you don't calm down, I'm going to shoot you.
    Meteorologist- MIRAGE, WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED US! FORGIVE OUR SINFUL-
    *Anchor shoots the meteorologist in the face*
    Anchor- *ahem* As I was saying... we're all going to be fine. Some cloudy skies, rainy days. Nothing to write home about.

    Narrator 1- And so hurricane Al'ene passed without doing any harm to anyone.
    Narrator 2- Mighty kind of it, if I might be saying so myself.
    Deceased Meteorologist- DEATH STALKS THE LAND! THE WINDS OF VENGEANCE SPARE NO MAN!
    Deceased Peasant 1- End times me arse! Yer just tryin' tah scare the lower classes into keeping in their place. Yer a right **** monger, ye are mate.
    Narrator 1- I'm getting too old for this.
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  11. #11

    Default Re: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (definetly)

    Yes, I did get an ocean storm and yes, I forgot to take a screenshot. Had to improvise with paint to make up for it.
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  12. #12
    Yesman101's Avatar Libertus
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    Default Re: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (definetly)

    This AAR is filled to the brim with all sorts of WIN. Please, keep on keeping on!

    Also, your referencing Irene right?

  13. #13
    DevrimJan's Avatar Semisalis
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    Default Re: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (definetly)

    Ofcourse.....
    My rig.

    Gainward GTX 570
    Intel Core i-7 Sandybridge 2600K
    Asus P8Z68-V Pro Z68 Motherboard
    8GB RAM
    2TB Hardrive
    850W Corsair PSU

    Ok, this thread is over.
    My list of most anticipated mods:

  14. #14

    Default Re: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (definetly)

    Huzzah, more side splitting laughter. and i actually managed to be here to comment this time!

    Please rep me for my posts, not for the fact that i have a Pony as an Avatar.


  15. #15

    Default Re: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (definetly)

    I suppose I should now mention that the last update was by no means attempting to belittle the damage done by hurricanes. It is simply intended as commentary on the media hysteria that seems to surround every hurricane, and the fact that often (as in the case of Irene) the majority of the damage, in monetary terms, actually comes from money spent in preparation for hurricanes, and not the hurricane itself.
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  16. #16
    Yesman101's Avatar Libertus
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    Default Re: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (definetly)

    Quote Originally Posted by notenome View Post
    I suppose I should now mention that the last update was by no means attempting to belittle the damage done by hurricanes. It is simply intended as commentary on the media hysteria that seems to surround every hurricane, and the fact that often (as in the case of Irene) the majority of the damage, in monetary terms, actually comes from money spent in preparation for hurricanes, and not the hurricane itself.
    With ya there. Irene was only a catagory one hurricane and was made out to be the storm of armageddon. I hope I don't offend anyone, but I think the reason it got so much more attention then other hurricanes was because its the first real hurricane to hit the northern east coast in 180 years, not really because of its destructive capacity.

  17. #17

    Default Re: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (definetly)

    Part 6- Perspective
    Whereupon that which a man holds dear, for in the darkest hour there shines still a light which cannot be quenched. -Anon! The origin and commencement of grief, though terrible to behold, hath sprung from love eternal. And when all art hath failed, there lies but a shell- true and strong, purged of ambition and disguise- petty impostors both, that honours men who in virtue, find a muse and faithful companion.

    Narrator 1- In 1182 AD, Tareeq, the rampaging adolescent, decided to besiege the city of Aden, on the southern tip of the Arabian peninsula, before the onset of winter.
    Narrator 2- His opponent was Yasir, a man known in equal parts for his long winded speeches and pretentiousness.
    Dead Peasant 1- Would ya look at all this fancy jabberish? Bunch of hot air an' bollocks this is. Wut we have 'ere is a clear cut example of the dominant aristocracy, fueled by the desire to expand the capitalist system, attackin' another wankin' member of the upper class wit' no regard for the life an' well bein' o' the poor, who once again get minced by tossers fueled by greed.
    Dead Meteorologist- THOUSANDS OF MEN MARCHING TOWARDS CERTAIN DOOM! RIVERS OF BLOOD! DEATH AND DEVASTATION!
    Narrator 1- Oh for ****'s sake you overdramatic ****s. Could you tone it down on the doom and gloom? Or if you must be so morbid, use some generalization like 'dark clouds gathered over Aden' no need-
    Dead Meteorologist- DARK CLOUDS! HE SAID DARK CLOUDS! THE STORM OF THE CENTURY! THE END OF INTELLIGENT LIFE ON EARTH! THE ANNIHILATION OF A SPECIES!
    Narrator 1- I can't work like this *grapples Dead Peasant 1 and the Dead Meteorologist* You narrate I'll hold them down!
    Narrator 1- Will do. *pause* Before the battle Yasir rallied his troop for another interminable speech.

    Inside Aden, 1182


    Yasir- Men! If we are mark'd to die, we are enow
    To do our city loss; and if to live,
    The fewer men, the greater share of honour.
    Allah's will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.
    By Mohamed, I am not covetous for gold,
    Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost;
    It yearns me not if men my garments wear;
    Such outward things dwell not in my desires.
    Mesenger- Sir, I have-
    Yasir- *aside* Not now I'm getting to the good part. *to the soldiers* But if it be a sin to cover honour,
    I am the most offending soul alive.
    No, faith, my coz, wish not a man from Aden.
    Allah's peace! I would not lose so great an honour
    As on mean more methinks would share from me
    For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more!
    Rather proclaim it, messenger, through my host-
    Messenger- Actually what I have to proclaim is-
    Yasir *aside* Shut up! *to the soldiers* That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
    Let him depart; his passport shall be made,
    And dinars for convoy put into his purse;
    We would not die in that man's company
    That fears his fellowship to die with us.
    Soldier 1- Woo-hoo! So long suckers!
    Yasir- *to soldier* Not before I finish my speech.
    Soldier 1- A fate worse than death, mylord.
    Yasir- Then I bestow upon thee the more merciful option *stabs Soldier 1, turns to the rest of his army* This day is call'd the feast of Crispian.
    He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
    Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd,
    And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
    Soldier 2- *whisper* Day of what?
    Soldier 3- *whispering back* I think he said this is the day of Crispy Hun.
    Soldier 4- *whispering from behind* Crispy Huns? What does that mean?
    Soldier 3- *whispering* Hell if I know.
    Soldier 2- *whispering to the other two* Maybe there was a fire in a Hunic village on this day.
    Soldier 4- *whispering back* Could be. *pause* Kind of a jackass thing for us to do, though- having a day celebrating a fire in some steppe village.
    Soldier 2- *whispering to Soldier 4* Yeah I'm with you on that one.
    Yasir- He that shall live this day, and see old age,
    Will yearly on the village feast his neighbours,
    And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian.'
    Soldier 2- *whispering* Oh ok, so they were Saintly Crispy Huns.
    Soldier 3- *whispering* Maybe that's what made them saints, they survived the fire.
    Soldier 4- *whispering* Yeah I could live with having a day for that.
    Soldier 2- *whispering* Wait, do we have Saints in Islam?
    Soldier 3- *whispering* Didn't think we did.
    Soldier 4- *whispering* Hmm... Maybe its a cultural import? Like what the infidels did with Easter.
    Soldier 2- *whispering* I mean, if we consider Jesus to be a prophet I guess its not too far a stretch.
    Soldier 4- *whispering* Yeah I can handle that.
    Soldier 3- *whispering* So its settled then, today is the day we celebrate Huns who survived a fire in their village and became crispy, but more importantly saintly, because of it.
    Soldier 2- *whispering* Deal.
    Yasir- Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
    And say 'These wounds I had on Crispian's day.'
    Old men forger; yet all shall be forgot,
    But he'll remember, with advantages,
    What fears he did that day. Then shall our names,
    Familiar in his mouth as household words-
    Messenger- Sir, its urgent I tell-
    Yasir- *aside* One more word and I shall have your head! *to army* where was I... *ahem* Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.
    This story shall the good man teach his son;
    And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
    From this day to the ending of the world,
    Dead Meteorologist- *garble* END OF THE WORLD! HE SAID END OF THE WORLD! DOOM! MURD- *garble*
    Narrator 1- Shut up you! *smothers Dead Meteorologist*
    Yasir- We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
    For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
    Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
    This day shall gentle his condition;
    And gentlemen in Aden now-a-bed
    Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
    And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
    That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

    *dramatic pause*

    *to messenger* Now my most hasteful and impatient messenger, what tidings do yee bring to me to-day?
    Messenger- Er, while you were talking the Omanis blasted a hole through the wall and are pouring into the city.
    Yasir- Crap.

    Narrator 2- Indeed, whilst Yasir was verbally sedating his army, the Omanis got to the business of breaking into Aden's defenses. Though their are few surviving depictions of the battle (Author's note: I forgot to take screenshots) it became known as The Battle of Tipping Scales.
    Dead Peasant 1- *breaking free* Right, because the sacrifice o' the landless poor once again tipped the scales in favor o' the ruling aristocracy. Bloody-
    Narrator 1- Get back here! *knocks Dead Peasant 1 back down*
    Narrator 2- Actually the name derives from the format of the battle. Two parallel streets led outwards from the breech in the walls to the center of Aden. As Yasir's forces rushed forth along those streets to push the Omani pirates out of the city, Tareeq was forced to make a decision. Instead of advancing along both streets, he deployed two units of spearmen to defend the main road, whilst sending everything he had left through the other route.

    Narrator 2- Thus the course of the battle resembled, you got it, a set of scales. Whichever side tipped first, in other words routed, would determine who would win the battle. If the spearmen routed Tareeq would be flanked and trapped.
    If Yasir's forces on the side road routed, Tareeq would be able to flank and trap Aden's army in the main road. High drama.

    The main road

    Yasir- Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more,
    Or close the wall up with our Adeni dead!
    Soldier 2- It's starting to look more like the second option from where I'm standing...

    Yasir- *to Soldier 2* Shut up. *to army* In peace there's nothing so becomes a man

    As modest stillness and humility,

    But when the blast of war blows in our ears,

    Then imitate the action of the tiger:

    Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,

    Disguise fair nature with hard-favored rage;

    Then lend the eye a terrible aspect:

    Let it pry through the portage of the head

    Like the wooden catapult; let the brow o'erwhelm it

    As fearfully as doth a gallèd rock

    O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,

    Swilled with the wild and wasteful ocean.
    Omani Spearmen- Does this guy ever shut up?
    Soldier 3- Not really, no.
    Messenger- The pirates have broken through the flank mylord!
    Yasir- A horse! a horse! my kingdom for a horse!

    Narrator 2- Though he did get his horse in the end, it was Yassir's fate to die riding it, as was the standard practice of all foreign leaders at that time.

    Yasir-No more--
    And by a sleep to say we end
    The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
    That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation
    Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep--
    To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub-
    Tareeq- Just die already *stabs Yasir in the chest*



    Narrator 2- And so Yasir, the obnoxiously verbose ruler of Aden, died and was relegated to AAR obscurity. And not a moment too so-

    Dead Yasir- For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
    When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
    Must give us pause. There's the respect
    That makes calamity of so long life.
    Narrator 1- Ah ****, not another one...
    Last edited by notenome; September 03, 2011 at 10:49 PM.
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  18. #18

    Default Re: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (definetly)

    Part 7- Really it all depends on your point of view
    Whereupon the plot gets twisted

    Dead Peasant 1- By 1182 the pirate overlords of Oman, ******s all, had consolidated their power in the Arabian Peninsula, bringing the oppressed residents of seven settlements under their heel. This represented a clear consolidation of the means o' production, which was then re-invested in increasin' the productive capacity of capital.


    Happy workers before falling under the yoke o' Omani capitalist oppression


    The terror o' the oppressed Omani worker

    Dead Meteorologist- But for all their opulence, the Omani's could not prevent their doom. DOOM! THAT WHICH IS INEVITABLE! AND IN A THOUSAND YEARS THEY SHALL FIND MY GRAVE, AND ON IT WILL BE WRITTEN: I AM THE METEOROLOGIST, WEATHERMAN OF WEATHERMEN, LOOK UPON MY WORKS, YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR!


    The future

    Yasir, Deceased-
    To lay eyes upon a foe vanquished,
    the greatest triumph of their nation,
    the Omanis thought themselves accurs'd-
    and on knees-a-fallen
    the Omanis wept,
    for there were no more worlds to conquer
    ...
    at least in eastern Arabia.
    Narrator 1- *startled* What the hell?
    Narrator 2- We go out for five minutes. Five minutes! 'What's the worse that could happen?' Just a little break, and already you guys are rampaging all over the place.
    Narrator 1- *sigh* It's time for a more permanent solution.
    Narrator 2- *taken aback* Surely you don't mean-
    Narrator 1- Indeed. Now if you'll all follow me *walks over to a pit*
    Yasir, deceased- What dreaded place is this,
    full o' darkness and despair,
    where light doth not enter
    and echoes the howls of fear?
    Narrator 1- This is the Narrator Pit.
    Dead Peasant 1- The Narrator Pit?
    Dead Meteorologist- Sounds harmless enough.
    Narrator 1- Famous last words *pushes Dead Meteorologist into Dead Peasant 1, who tumbles into Yasir, deceased, all falling into the Narrator Pit*
    Dead Peasant 1- Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaankeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
    Dead Meteorolgist- I FALL TO MY DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooommmmm
    Yasir, deceased- What is nobler in mind,
    To suffer the slings and arrows of
    outrageous fortune
    or to take arms against
    a seaaaaaa of *thud*
    Narrator 1- Problem solved *dusts-off hands*
    Narrator 2- Good thing they're already dead or else I'd feel guilty.
    Narrator 1- I guess that's one of the advantages of being dead: you can't die.
    Dead Peasant 1- But you can still feel pain!
    Narrator 1- Quiet down there.
    Dead Meteorolgist- AND HAVE YOUR FEELINGS HURT!
    Narrator 1- You too. *turns to Narrator 1, breaths a sigh of relief* At last, some peace round here.
    Narrator 2- What do the dead do anyways? You got me wondering.
    Narrator 1- Dunno. Watch the living I guess.
    Narrator 2- And... comment...
    Narrator 1- *turns pale* No... Way... you're not thinking what I'm thinking... are you?
    Narrator 2- You don't...
    Narrator 1- ... think we're...
    Both Narrators- Dead !?

    -End of Chapter 1-
    Last edited by notenome; September 21, 2011 at 11:25 AM.
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  19. #19

    Default Re: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (definetly)

    Need... more... comments... to... nourish... me....
    If you like dead ghazis, very diplomatic diplomats, bizarre bugs and the Spanish Inquisition, this may be the AAR for you: Oh dear- A Turkish Sultanate AAR.

    Three years in the making (not really), the spiritual successor to the Turkish AAR that won not-a-****ing-thing: Oh dear- A Pirate AAR (not really)

  20. #20
    Yesman101's Avatar Libertus
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    Default Re: Oh dear- A pirate AAR (definetly)

    Seriously, this is some of the funniest stuff I've ever read! Excellent use of fourth party mechanisms!

    Please don't stop, keep on keeping on!

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