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Thread: O'Neil's rise to power

  1. #1
    Orian1020's Avatar Laetus
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    Default O'Neil's rise to power

    This is just a little story I made for the O'Neils about how they became the most powerful of the Pagan Kings on Tethra and what Finn O'Hara had to do with it.
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    The O'neils were small Gaellic lords who controlled the lands on the eastern most part of Tethra, farthest away from all the Christian dogs, from their capitol of Atha Endor. in the year 217 ST they were weak and were no stronger than the other pict and gaellic Lords on Tethra. However the O'neil clan members were all exceptionally strong and wise thanks to their lineage from Cuchulain and the mighty Lugh greatest of all the gods and father of Cuchulain.
    The O'Neils, who were very Chilvarous and kind to the people they ruled, were neighbours to the cruelest of the Gaeillic lords on Tethra. This man's name was Finnia Mc'Crathy and he was the polar opposite of the head of the O'neil clan Patrick O'Neil. The Mc'Crathy capitol was the strong hold of Atha Culaan. Finnia's right hand was another cruel man named Laegiere O'Hara and together they were secretly planning to conquer the O'Neills and all the pict lords in order to create a mighty kingdom to challenge and destroy the Christian demons.
    Everything was going according to plan, The Mc'Crathy army grew thanks to Laegiere's plan to raze all the villages to force men to join the army and in two months time the army flying under the Mc'Crathy banner was second only to the armies of Avalon, to the west, in size. But then something unexpected happened. Finnia became suspicious of Laegiere he thought that Laegiere was getting more credit than he was and felt that the soilders were becoming more loyal to the O'Hara clan. So Finnia had Laegiere publicly executed in front of all the army to show that the Mc'Crathy clan was in control and not the O'Hara clan. From then on the soilders only obeyed Finnia and no one else.
    What Finnia didn't count on was Laegiere's only child the 15 year old Finn O'Hara, named after his father's "good friend", retaliating for his father's "treason" the way he did. As soon as Finnia began marching to the O'Neil's land, Finn and two hundred men loyal to the O'Hara clan snuck away from the ranks and rode as fast as they could to the O'Neils capital city of Atha Endor. Patrick O'Neil still unaware of the Mc'Crathy host welcomed Finn and his men with open arms. Finn wasted no time in informing Patrick of the incoming threat. When Patrick asked Finn why he was telling him this Finn told him of his Father's execution and of the hatred he now bore for Finnia. After he heard the story Patrick knew he could trust Finn and decided to ride out to meet Finnia in the field. He knew he would not be able to gather a large enough army in time so decided that his only hope would be to attack Finnia while he was unprepared. Finn informed Patrick that Finnia had grown Cocky and arrogant, thanks to his large army, and that he was not using any scouts to check his advance. Patrick decided that a night attack on Finnia's camp would be his best chance of success. In a weeks time he managed to gather up an army that was about a quarter of the size of Mc'Crathy's and marched out of Atha Endor to try his luck.
    Mc'Crathy was encamped about fourty miles outside of Atha Endor and was enjoying a fine helping of Ale with the rest of his lords while his men were outside freezing in the cold winter night that Tethra often has. Then suddenly flaming arrows came flying out of every direction from the woods around the camp and set ablaze many tents and soilders. Then Patrick O'Neil and Finn O'Hara led their men out of the woods and charged into the camp, on foot, cutting down every enemy in their way. Many of Mc'Crathy's soilders surrendered or ran away due to their lack of training but Finnia, and his nobles that he was drinking with, charged out of their tent with Claymores in hand and entered the fray. By this time most of Mc'Crathy's men were dead, captured, or had deserted and the two armies were about the same size. Eventually Patrick and Finn met up with Mc'Crathy who only had about three of his nobles left around him. An epic battle worthy of the legends took place between these six men. Finn went straight for Finnia while Patrick went after his three drinking companions. Cuchulain's blood line held true that day for after three minutes only Finn, Finnia, and Patrick were left of the six that had started the fight. Finnia, now terrified of Patrick and all the O'neills, threw dirt in Finn's eyes and tried to run away, but Finn threw his sword at Finnia and the blade went into his back and stuck out of his stomach. Thus was the end of the Cruel Finnia Macrathy.
    After this battle Patrick and his small army marched to the nearly undefended Atha Culaan and set up a siege. The few soilders who were stationed in the castle Hastly killed Mc'Crathy's wife and his nine year old son Jon and surrendered to the O'neills. Once Patrick was in control of Atha Endor and Atha Culaan he decided that he now had the opportunity to unify the island of Tethra and destroy the Christians who had plagued his land for so long.
    Last edited by Orian1020; May 04, 2011 at 05:13 PM.


  2. #2

    Default Re: O'Neil's rise to power

    Nice short story, the kind you'd expect to have been passed down from one generation to the next verbally. It reminds me of many Norse stories i've read in the amount of detail put in. Enough to to say what was going on but not enough to become pain staking. Having said that, every 3 sentences could've been a great chapter with dialogue but that is style. I must say I enjoyed this quite a bit. Good job and +rep
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  3. #3
    Orian1020's Avatar Laetus
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    Default Re: O'Neil's rise to power

    Well im glad you enjoyed it , and thank you for the compliments. I read alot of Celtic mythology and I figured I would write this like one those stories.


  4. #4
    Daraunon's Avatar Senator
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    Default Re: O'Neil's rise to power

    A good piece of work,it was time the Gaelics got some love. A little bit of advice though,if you don't mind:you may want to try and make the story a little easier to read,as it is now rather difficult to navigate,IMHO. Boris could give you some better advice about HOW to actually do it,I'm sure.

  5. #5
    Orian1020's Avatar Laetus
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    Default Re: O'Neil's rise to power

    I tried paragraphing it at least but it kept coming out in one solid square so I just kept it like that. Sorry if its too hard to hard.


  6. #6

    Default Re: O'Neil's rise to power

    Well what you need in there is some punctuation which is the unfortunate bit kind like a panda that eats, shoots, and leaves of a panda that eats shoots and leaves. This is very important. I Understand the way you mean't the sentences to flow so I understood but try separating your clauses a little it'd be very helpful to most readers
    My A-list of mods to play
    Lord of the Rings total war
    Thera Legacy of the Great Torment
    End of Days and its sequel
    Third Age total war, similar to Lord of the rings total war
    Call of Warhammer
    RIP
    Bringing the light of God(Canadian) Emperor to the fringes of TWC

  7. #7
    Orian1020's Avatar Laetus
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    Default Re: O'Neil's rise to power

    Alright I'll try working on my punctuation next time I write a story. Grammar always was the hardest thing for me in English class.


  8. #8
    Borissomeone's Avatar Citizen
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    Default Re: O'Neil's rise to power

    I agree with the others, nice content but a little hard to read. If you need any help just ask. By the way I'm far from perfect...just ask the others, but the longer you write the better you will get + rep.

    Under the Patronage of TheFirstONeill.

  9. #9
    Orian1020's Avatar Laetus
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    Default Re: O'Neil's rise to power

    Well I pollished the story up a little. I added some missing commas and found out why the paragraphs weren't seperating. I think it's at least a little easier to read now.


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