Essay Input Please
I need your opinions on something that I'm writing for a lil' competition. I have this done so far:
My question pertains to the last paragraph. I think I'm going off course on the general motive of the essay. Should I continue to expand upon the abstract essence of what I'm trying to portray in the 4th paragraph, or should I reverse myself to my original point in the third paragraph and expand upon the material part? I fear that as my argument is becoming more abstract, the substance and weight of the essay is being dissolved from its original purpose. What do you think?Requiem for the Morrow
The fluorescent lights followed me across the corridor as my foot rhythmically paced on and off of each block on the ceramic floor. Dozens seemed like hundreds as I maneuvered through the savage crowd and focused my attention to the other end of the hall. There it lay… my way out of the unnerving prism. My steps grew louder and my stroll quicker as I battled myself through the cluster. Illusions of perception blockaded my struggle for freedom. Their voices of deception and superficial emotion pervaded the room with acute displeasure. My gaze was fixed upon the exit as I bumped and stumbled across the obstacles that intermeddled in my course. I saw my destination through the glass doors and hurried to it. Trees and life abounded in the outside. I was near the end of the fight, readying my palms to unscrew the metallic knob and finally rid myself from my surroundings. My head reached a pinnacle of disturbance as I took hold of the door. I opened it with effort and slid my body through its evanescent crack.
I had finally broken loose. As I stepped outside, I breathed the unadulterated air in a fit of ecstasy, letting all of the stress wither and subside into forgetfulness. The sunlight reflected on my face as it lit the beautiful Florida winter sky in its blue and transparent clarity. Not a cloud could be seen. The wind gave life to the trees as branches musically stroked each other in perfect unison. My eyes wandered about in peaceful apprehension as nature soothed my senses. I walked across the lane, routinely directing my attention to my succeeding purpose. Suddenly, I stopped as I heard the distinct and lovely chirp of a bird. With its beautifully colored feathers and smooth beak, the bird sang its soul to its alma mater. I focused on its motions and studied its grace with curiosity.
All at once, I became one with the cosmos and my spirit blissfully reconnected to its origins. From the smell of the grass to the movement of the wind, and from the branches of the trees to the animals that inhabited it, nature seemed to flow together in coordinated harmony. I felt alive and at home once again. Standing motionless and in a state of enlightenment, I remained in passive contemplation and appreciation. The reality of our human condition personified itself in my mind, and all at once, I understood everything. With our commercial contraptions, our concrete-paved avenues, and our iron-clad skyscrapers, we had managed to rid ourselves of that which made us human in the first place. Our souls fled our bodies as we sought refuge in artificial habitats. The environment that humanity had created for itself was not natural. But on that sunny afternoon, what I was witnessing was natural and real. It was my true home. It was our true home.
From Lucy to Cro-Magnon, our prototypes lived in the wilderness and untamed premises of the world as they struggled for survival. But as our minds developed, we began to adapt the harsh environment of the planet to our standards of living. Civilization sparked progressively after our evolution into modern man took place, but while our strides in culture and technological advances succeeded in providing our kind with heightened levels of comfort and longer life-spans, our nature and spirit were suppressed by the very same limitations that enabled us to advance into such a position in the first place. We had not only tamed our environment, but ourselves as well. As the fertile crescent of Mesopotamia was settled with the effort of our ancestral hands, our minds curtailed our desires as societies placed laws and restrictions to limit our animal behavior. With Moses’ Ten Commandments and Hammurabi’s code, formal law and order were established. Rome’s laws of the Twelve Tables further extended the state’s control over the human mind. Documents such as the American Constitution would follow suit over time. In the present day, we find ourselves controlled by an intricate network of crime and punishment in which abstract ideals of decency and morality manipulate the intentions of our emotions by keeping them suppressed from our own selves.
The problem is, I think that the 4th paragraph is well written and interesting, but I'm unsure as how to develop a transition into the 5th paragraph to illustrate my point well. It's a difficult task to combine material with abstract and then conclude it with a thoughtful and comprehensive ending, so I'm torn between starting the 4th paragraph anew, or retaining it and expanding upon the weight of our environment on the human condition on the fifth paragraph to finalize the essay.
Keep in mind that I have to keep the essay to 1,000 words max. Therefore, I can't divulge too many specifics on the argument, and that may substract to the general clarity of the essay. I have to keep it compact, yet clear.
P.S.- This may be the final copy:
Amazingly enough, it is exactly 1,000 words.Requiem for the Morrow
The fluorescent lights followed me across the corridor as my feet rhythmically paced on and off of each block on the ceramic floor. Dozens seemed like hundreds as I maneuvered through the savage crowd and focused my attention on the other end of the hall. There it lay… my way out of the unnerving prism. My steps grew louder and my stroll quicker as I battled through the cluster. A monotonous mass of people obstructed my struggle for freedom. Their voices of deception and superficial emotion pervaded the room with acute displeasure. My gaze was fixed upon the exit as I bumped and stumbled across the obstacles that intermeddled in my course. I saw my destination through the glass doors and hurried to it. Trees and life abounded in the outside. I was near the end of the fight, readying my palms to unscrew the metallic knob and rid myself from my surroundings. My head reached a pinnacle of disturbance as I took hold of the door. I opened it with effort and slid my body through its evanescent crack.
I broke loose. As I stepped outside, I breathed the unadulterated air in a fit of ecstasy, letting the stress wither and subside into forgetfulness. The sunlight reflected on my face as it lit the beautiful Florida winter sky in its blue and transparent clarity. Not a cloud could be seen. The wind gave life to the trees as branches musically stroked each other in perfect unison. My eyes wandered about in peaceful apprehension as nature soothed my senses. I walked across the lane, routinely directing my attention to my succeeding purpose. Suddenly, I stopped as I heard the distinct and lovely chirp of a bird. With its beautifully colored feathers and smooth beak, the bird sang its soul to its alma mater. I focused on its motions and studied its grace with curiosity.
All at once, I became one with the cosmos and my spirit blissfully reconnected to its origins. From the smell of the grass to the movement of the wind, and from the branches of the trees to the animals that inhabited it, nature seemed to come together in coordinated harmony. I felt alive and at home once again. Standing motionless and in a state of enlightenment, I remained in passive contemplation and appreciation. The reality of our human condition personified itself in my mind, and all at once, I understood everything. With our commercial contraptions, our concrete-paved avenues, and our iron-clad skyscrapers, we had managed to rid ourselves of that which made us human in the first place. Our souls fled our bodies as we sought refuge in artificial habitats. The environment that humanity had created for itself was not natural. But on that sunny afternoon, what I was witnessing was natural and real. It was my true home. It was our true home.
From Lucy to Cro-Magnon, our prototypes lived in the untamed premises of the world as they struggled for survival. But as our minds developed, we began to adapt the harsh environment of the planet to our way of life. Civilization sparked progressively after our evolution into modern man, but while our strides in culture and technological advances succeeded in providing our kind with heightened levels of comfort and extended life-spans, our nature and spirit were suppressed by the very same limitations that enabled us to advance into such a position in the first place. We had not only tamed our environment, but had tamed ourselves.
As the fertile crescent of Mesopotamia was settled with the effort of our ancestral hands, our minds curtailed our desires as society placed laws and ethics in order to limit our animal behavior. With Moses’ Ten Commandments and Hammurabi’s code, formal law and order were established. Rome’s laws of the Twelve Tables further extended the state’s control over the human mind, and documents such as the American Constitution would follow suit over time. In the present, we find ourselves controlled by an intricate network of crime and punishment in which abstract ideals manipulate our emotions and instincts by keeping them suppressed from our own selves. We have evolved from apes in the African savannahs, to tamed apes in concrete jungles.
As modernization expands worldwide, we should ask how to mend our past with our future, and how to avoid compromising our soul with our comfort in order to restore and ensure the essence of our human nature for posterity. As I see our spirit tarnished and our nature oppressed, I lament for the fall of man. It is difficult to mourn over what has happened in the past, and harder yet to mourn for the passing away of the here and now, but it is an arduous and torturous trial to mourn for that which has not yet occurred, but will surely do so in the future. The requiems of the past are accepted and forgotten, those of the present are shared and comforted, but the inevitable failures of the future seem too distant for man to contemplate and comprehend. We are narcissistic creatures, thinking only of what matters today, forgetting what occurred yesterday, and ignoring what will happen tomorrow.
After experiencing this epiphany, my conscience reversed to its original state, and I retired my attention from the bird as quickly as I had first seen it. I then took one last look at my surroundings, sighed in frustration, and turned round to continue on with my routine. I opened the door, went inside into the corridor, and restarted the perpetual cycle from whence I had begun.
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