[TATW AAR] Home to Midgard - Part 31,5 - Updated 6/4

**Radzeer** · November 01, 2011, 02:46 PM

Another good one!

Santa is coming!
Thanks for the Swedish language lesson.

And when I read the section on Erebor (the list), it reminded me of this:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

**Scottish King** · November 01, 2011, 02:54 PM

Lol! The origin of Santa Clause and the Swedish one word for many was hilarious!

**Maltacus** · November 05, 2011, 12:13 PM

Thanks all

EDIT: I am very happy about your nice comments about christmas-related humour and constant support.
In Swedish (utmärkt means extraordinary, excellent): Utmärkt midgårdsspelmodifikationsberrättelseavsnittshögtidsskämtskommentar

.

Neither do this word serve any practical purpose but I hope it serves the (very important) purpose of amusing my readers.

What are the spammed baked beans about? Is that a famous quote from somewhere?

Post 120 contains the latest update, another of the half chapters. Apparently the dwarfs have learned of my existence as well...

**Radzeer** · November 06, 2011, 02:35 PM

Originally Posted by Maltacus

What are the spammed baked beans about? Is that a famous quote from somewhere?

This is the immortal genius of Month Python.

**Maltacus** · November 26, 2011, 03:21 PM

____________________________________Part 19. The Phantom Menace_________________________________

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

**Radzeer** · November 27, 2011, 04:37 PM

Looks like our friends are inching close to the mysterious destination... opera, beer, skiing - the full cultural experience of the civilized western side of Middle Earth!

the river is always bluer on the dwarf side.

Great stuff as always!

**Maltacus** · November 27, 2011, 05:19 PM

The library of Ered Luin may indeed prove worth checking out, if not quite as much as the skiing tracks. Thanks for reading, everyone! Meanwhile, things are starting to look scary on the other side of the map:

___________________________________Part 19½. A Long Expected Invasion________________________________

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Letter from Gloin to Gimli

Hello my noble son and proud governor of Wormcove, the village with the impressive name (NOT).

I hope you are well and not too bored with the task of governing the small settlement. I know how frustrating it must be to be the first commander of the Erebor armies and sent north to guard a remote backwater village that is not in any danger, since the perillicious creatures have not yet crawled out from their lairs in the northern wilderness. I hope it will bring you some comfort to know that your reputation as a chivalrous governor has caused a steady stream of settlers to move north from Erebor and seek their fortunes in the mountains. Hopefully the village will soon grow to a little town and your task will be done. Oh, now I notice that I am just mumbling arbitrary about things you already know, as if it was a summary in some kind of story. Excuse me.

Here at the court things are chaotic. As I wrote last time, Balin and Thorin somehow managed to conquer Kugavod without slaying each other and the town is now a growing dwarf province. Thorins outrageous taunting of Rhun which preceded the assault seems to finally have paid off – a massive Easterling army is massing just east of the bridge that marks the border between our realms. Thorin is outnumbered by far and has, in a move of hitherto unknown wisdom and sensibility, evacuated the town and is attempting to hide in the forests west of Kugavod. Hopefully he will be able to avoid being detected if the Easterlings attack, otherwise he may at least be able to lure them away from Kugavod.

Balin has at the same time left with a token force to explore the wilderness north of Kugavod and set up watchtowers. While Thorin of course rejoice in sending him away on this the most mundane of tasks, Balins force would have been better used to augment Thorins army, I think.

The rest of the world seems equally perilous. Southrons and Easterlings are marching west. They are said to be aiming for Rohan, although the Haradrim should have to batter their way through Gondor first. We haven’t heard anything from the south for a long time.

The best chance is probably Runar and Halvdan, though they are on the other side of the known world, in the Blue Mountains. Apparently Hugin returned with a message from them recently. He was very strangely coloured in green paintings, depicting some sort of flashy lightning bolt things that apparently are supposed to be cool among the ravens. Perhaps someone younger such as you will understand this better. Hugin spoke of flying with green fairies and many other strange things. I wonder what he has been eating lately, perhaps some not-too-fresh berries? Anyway, he could at least confirm that Runar and Halvdan are alive and in good health. Their plan to divert the goblins seems to have failed at long last, though. Goblins from Gundabad are swarming the hills and are marching south in the direction of Rohan.

Given these recent events, it is perhaps not surprising that voices are raised here in Erebor that we should march south as well to attack the armies of Sauron. Even our best friends forever in Dale are experiencing increased raids from the Easterlings and it seems that with the situation in Kugavod, we are but weeks from having to deal with the same thing. Regardless of the outcome, your old arguments for us creating a standing mobile army are gaining more and more supporters. The only obstacle right now is actually King Dain and his miserly treasurers. I think though, that his reluctance derives more from concern of the leadership of the army than anything else. In short, he wants you to lead and not the impetuous fellows like Thorin or Balin. Dain fears that such a commander would risk the force in headless battles far away from home.

I personally don’t like this kind of talk as you very well know, but we must nevertheless help our troubled allies. So I will speak out for raising a standing army of Erebor, instead of the feudal clan forces and garrison troops that took Kugavod. If the king is to send you south, you should at least have the best warriors we can muster.

Lastly, you won’t believe what I saw some days ago when visiting a friend of the Blacksilver clan – a civil snaga! A freaking snaga with a cloak and disguised in a fake beard who was growing vegetables and roots on a small farm north of the city. His house was discreetly guarded by some young Blacksilver dwarfs that Halvdan knows. I understood that all this was somehow the doing of Halvdan and Runar. Very strange, but quite inspiring. I wonder if there are more snagas like him somewhere.

**Maltacus** · December 16, 2011, 10:19 AM

___________________________________Part 20. The letter to Miniel_____________________________________

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Dear Miniel

We hope you are feeling as well as we, Runar and Halvdan, are. We thought we should mention ourselves at the beginning because it is always so silly to have to look at the end of the letter to see who it is from. We are at our cousins’ place in the southern Blue Mountains on vacation and have decided to write to our friends about what we have been doing. We have however not yet decided who is going to have to write it all down. We have agreed to roll a dice to determine who will have to write it all down while the other wanders across the room like a pompous play writer dictating it.

I, Halvdan now write this a minute later. I am sure Runar cheated. I should not have agreed to anything he proposed. He is currently walking across the room trying to figure out a proper phrase to begin with. Ha, the moron has completely lost touch with proper language and communication after diplomatic meetings with all the silly people he has had to negotiate with. Lame.

I have attached a copy of our report on the travels we have made so far. We wrote it and had it copied by the official scribes here. They were actually quite eager to make copies. They apparently plan to sell copies as some kind of novel to people here and move into the publishing sector. Very strange, but good for us. Now we can send one to everyone we are sending letters to instead of having to write short summaries in every letter ourselves. Here is a map of our travels:

The last weeks we have been skiing mostly and having parties at the HOTEL we are staying at. HOTEL is short for Hideously Overpriced Taverns Expensive Lodging, basically an overgrown inn but with a bit more corridors and room service and, as said, with outrageous prices. Luckily we are honorary guests so the last thing is of no concern. Sometimes I even think the honourable blue dwarfs are overdoing it a little bit. We are not larger–than-life figures, but maybe larger-than-town ones.

The downhill skiing courses have been vastly improved since our last visit, something which Runar discovered the hard way. His falls were numerous but thanks to dwarf armour he is not seriously harmed, even though it is of course very embarrassing for him to have performed so poorly.

While expressing my gratitude to Halvdan for his extensive and presumably objective (I think not...) report, let me add that there were countless incidents involving the humiliating fall, wrong turning, tripping and gliding backwards of Halvdan as well.

Thank you Runar! Kindly DO NOT interrupt my chronicling again while I am away! Your ornamented handwriting clashes horribly with my more elegant and readable text!

One day when we were sitting at the terrace at the top of the hotel eating sand-witches (a kind of cheap bread dish that tastes as if a witch has bewitched the food into sand – hence the name) when we noticed a young dwarf boy sitting in a corner. He looked so sad that we went up and asked him what was the matter. His name was Njal, and he was a very troubled dwarf because the other young dwarfs taunted and shunned him. They thought he was stupid and a weakling for wanting to write stories instead of practising axe-throwing (a major sport among dwarfs) all the time. Njal occasionally helped at the hotel and could use the terrace and other places in return.

Now he was seeking shelter up here because he had just managed to recover his manuscript of “Njal’s Saga” that some bullies had stolen and thrown between themselves in a very disgraceful, almost human, behaviour. The Saga was a long project of writing a thrilling tale of gory warfare and romanticised romances. Runar and I came up with the idea of hiring him as a guide to the skiing courses and mobile waiter to keep Njal safe from the mean human-dwarfs (that is a very derogative term for a dwarf acting human; outrageously, shameful and despicable). Fenris and Njal seemed to find it very amusing to see Runar (understandable) and I (completely unexplainable) fall when skiing. It was also very convenient having a waiter when sitting at a chair on top of the mountain, being able to order all kinds of drinks and food. Fenris was so fond of the mountains and Njal that he wanted to stay here. So we left the ring as well, making Njal a ring bearer. That really boosted his writing – he wrote an entire chapter in one day called “There and back again”, about the protagonist getting to the top of a mountain and back down again. It seems inspired by the skiing... It’s strange how some ring bearers suddenly start writing stories about going somewhere and going back again. The look on the human-dwarfs faces when they saw Fenris was surely worth seeing. Fenris was going up some stairs at sunset, so when the bullies gazed upon him he had just taken a step up to where he was blocking the setting sun, which really made him look quite larger than before. I wouldn’t be surprised if they are telling horror stories about a gigantic wolf swallowing the sun or something equally ridiculous. Laughable! We did however require Njal to promise to keep Fenris out of harms way and not become a human-dwarf himself.

Last but anything but least, we have found vital information about the realm of Midgard that we are looking for! It comes in the form of an old article (why must all clues be old? Can’t some at least be a little up to date and widely known?) in a dwarf attempt at creating an Encyclopaedia of geography. It reads:

Midgard: Presumably physical realm in another universe. Midgard has been regarded as the “twin realm” of Middle Earth and scholars theorise that it has its own Valinor, populated by beings similar to Valas and spirits. The mysterious professor (see above) T is believed to have been instrumental in some way in establishing the “twin realm” link between Midgard and Middle Earth, but it is not known how. He obviously wielded great powers when doing so.

Midgard is said to be populated by humans, fairies that show up in mist, various other animals that are not specifically mentioned and possibly elves and dwarfs as well. The dwarfs may be linked to the Valinor-realm, which is called Asgard or Valhall (it is possible that one of the names refer to some place in the realm and the other is the name of the realm itself). That theory rests on the fact that they were, understandably, sometimes employed by the Valas of Asgard/Valhall to manufacture wondrous creations ranging from mechanical golden boars to unbreakable fetters.

Despite the awful old handwriting (looking so much like Runar’s), the book has proved informative. Runar and I have concluded that the mystic bridge that is mentioned in one of Libris books back home may be the thing that connects Midgard with Asgard/Valhall, and we hope that if we can somehow establish a similar bridge we will reach that place as well, from where we can proceed to Midgard. It all seems to come down to finding out more about how to conjure up a rainbow that can be used as a bridge - which was the centre of our mission when we set out from Erebor. We are moving south in pursuit of the answers. Since we will be following the coast to Mithlond we can at least be sure to run into plenty of rain. Further south we will face plenty of sunlight, the other vital component of a rainbow. Hmm, why did we undertake this unwise quest now again?

Most sincerely and well-wishing

Halvdan and Runar

**Maltacus** · December 19, 2011, 05:20 AM

___________________________________Part 20½. The Eye of the Flag_____________________________________

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

In the conference halls in Erebor, chaos and pandemonium reigned. It was late in the night and sleepy officials and advisors were grudgingly yawning and stretching their arms as they tried to make some sense of the many messengers that babbled all at the same time. An annoyed King Dain entered in a foul mood.

- Settle DOWN! THIS IS A CONFERENCE, NOT A FAMILY REUNION OF CACKLING HENS!

After some minutes almost everyone settled down and some even began to minute what has happened. Dain ascended to his chair at the northern side of the table and dropped like a sack of grain into it, if one can picture such a bad-tempered sack of grain.

- Now, can one, I repeat: ONE, of the messengers please recount the important news that appears to have had such a disastrous impact on your senses. Percy, please start.
- Well, my lord, it is about the Easterling army that was drawing up on the eastern banks of the river near Kugavod. They have moved out. But they are not anywhere near Kugavod, they have crossed our territory at an unmatched speed and bypassed Thorin completely. Now they stand at the southernmost bridge leading to our allies’ lands.
- This sounds like good news to me. Kugavod is safe for the moment and we can send word to the men of Dale so they may have time to ready themselves for an attack.
- Yes, ehrrm, the thing is that the Easterlings carry this very scary banner or globe or something above themselves. It is a gigantic orange eye. People think it is the eye of Sauron himself! The dark lord has taken shape again and is marching out with the Easterlings to conquer all of Middle Earth!
- Wait, did you say it was an eye near their banner? Perhaps on top of it?
- Yes...
- You morons! Hahahaha! That is not the eye of Sauron, it is the new invasion banner! Eye-shaped and illuminating the road so armies can march even after dark without getting lost – that is, by the way, why invasion armies can travel much faster than other armies.

The crowd fell silent. They felt both relieved and a bit disappointed, having gotten so worked up over nothing. Dain ordered in a very early breakfast and loose discussions soon broke out. The Rhunnic invasion offered interesting possibilities. March south, aid the men of Dale and secure the important mountains west of the lake of Rhun. March east or sail across the named lake to attack the heart of the Easterling territory, the wealthy towns next to the lake or gain control over the rivers running into it. Ultimately, Dain dismissed those ideas. The army of Kugavod was too small, and no force from Erebor could reach Rhun in sufficient time before the Easterlings had surely replenished their garrisons.

Months later, when Thorin had returned to Kugavod and once more had time to marvel at the thought of Balin being out in the middle of nowhere building inglorious and lacklustre watchtowers, certain news almost literally exploded among the grey dwarfs. Balin had not only scouted the wilderness thoroughly and dutifully seen to the building of watchtowers, he had also discovered rich deposits of glimmering metal in the hills and mountains north of Kugavod.

The prospect of prospecting caused hundreds of dwarfs to rush south. Kugavod experienced an upswing in income and population that the town had never dreamed of (which wasn’t so strange since the town was made of wood and stone which usually does not dream of anything). Bars and inns multiplied, markets grew like weed and squalor levels rose. The dwarfs were usually too concerned with mining and forging that they didn’t care much about behaving badly and causing squalor, but the rules of gold rushing – set out ages ago by all the miner guilds of all free peoples of Middle Earth – were very strict. Every gold rush had to be accompanied by a proportional amount of cursing, heavy drinking in rickety taverns, brawls and general degradation and decline of order. It was tedious, but there was nothing to be done about it.

Late that winter when the finals of the Snowball Battle Games had just been finished, King Dain was sitting in his favourite chair next to a fire at the top of his quarters, thinking of the disastrous defeat the Frozen Kegs had just suffered at the hands of the Howling Hikers. He wondered what his wife Thora would say (she supported the Howling Hikers while Dain had long since cheered for the Frozen Kegs) when said supporter stepped into the room, carefully reading a letter. She sat down in the chair next to Dain, still reading on.

- What’s that, darling?
- Hmmm? Oh, this? It’s a letter from my uncle Bifur in the Iron Hills. He has added a letter from my cousin Blid who writes about the news from Kugavod and all the gold there.
- Letters, letters, letters. It seems like everyone is writing letters to everyone all the time now. How did this come to happen? We have never been such eager correspondents before.
- I think it is a bit of a trend. It all started with the astounding success of this tale from Eriador...
- Yes, I think I have heard about it. It’s something called “Letters of Aragorn’s Night” or something like that.
- No, that is the inappropriate and silly romantic short story that is only read by immature female dwarfs. I was talking about “Letters of an Aragornese Knight”, which is a dramatic story of the life of a knight in service of Aragorn – hence the title - instead of a fiction about the king himself. It’s all written in the form of letters which glide towards becoming a kind of journal or even memoirs as the story progresses. It is apparently becoming a bestseller around Erebor and Dale, mixing personal family drama with vivid political intrigues and gory battlefield depictions.
- Hmm, what was that last thing? Maybe I should read it too. I have after all a reputation as grumpy old dwarf warlord to uphold, so I guess I should make an effort of gathering all possible inspiration for being as warlike as possible.
- Pfff, if such a reputation exists, it’s a farce. Everyone should know that you are too wise to be caught up in mindless warmongering. All such things are properly delegated to Thorin and Balin.
- Hehehe, good point. So, who has written this “Letters of an Aragornese Knight” then?
- It’s a known publisher in the Shire, controlled by the Took family. The ownership has been made into such a big deal that everyone seems to be calling it just the “Took-Run Company” or just “Took-Run”. They have a famous sign that is most strange for a book publisher, depicting one half of a grey and black, rather ugly and horrifying, mask that I am sure all young people think is cool.

- What would happen if the Tooks one day decided to run another company? Then “Took-Run” would have to change its name, wouldn’t it?
- Supposedly. They would probably make a fool-of-a-Took of themselves by doing so, though. But given the general enterprising spirit and energy of the hobbits, I don’t see that happening for a long time.
- Me neither.
- BY THE WAY, I almost forgot! WHAT do you think of today’s snowball finals? I think it was a superb game and really enjoyable, but I do of course want to know what YOU think!
- Don’t you have some letters to finish reading or something?
- No, those can wait. PLEASE tell me all about how you think the snowball finals were! I believe that team called the Frozen Eggs or something lost....
- Oh, very funny. Yes, SADLY they lost to the...the Hooting Hitchhikers! Yes, that was their name. It’s hard to remember the names of such insignificant and puny snowball teams!
- Bla bla bla. Yes, actually I DO have letters to finish reading.

**~~cchetan~~** · December 19, 2011, 05:29 AM

hi,
like it..

**Thokran** · December 19, 2011, 09:48 AM

Aragorn's Knights sure have a dramatic tell to say don't they? Thanks for the mention, I found it really enjoyable to read and it put a smile on my face this morning, just the one I need to get back to writing. Keep up the great work! + rep

**Radzeer** · December 19, 2011, 10:19 AM

Great stuff on the gold rush! And all those letters!

Literacy among the commoners does make its way to Middle Earth it seems.

What I think is really great in this story is the way how you have a new comedy angle for each chapter. The style is the same (which is important), but the elements differ (which is important too).
And kudos on commemorating our writers.

**Maltacus** · December 20, 2011, 04:04 AM

Spoiler for next update:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

**Maltacus** · December 23, 2011, 06:17 PM

This is the first and foremost of all episodes in Home to Midgard (hence the gold-ish colour). It is one of the four I have written before starting the campaign itself. It is also the very first thing I wrote of this story. This AAR began when I was thinking of a joke about Italics and how similar it is to the word Italy or Italians. The end result was two dwarfs running into the Italicans, people who speak in Italics. They later came to experience many other adventures which brought them through the north of Middle Earth and finally to their true beginning on the west coast of Ered Luin.

I am most happy to present... The Italicans! Merry Christmas everyone!

_____________________________________Part 21. The Italicans_______________________________________

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

After the meeting with the dwarfs of Ered Luin, Runar and Halvdan continued down the coast, intending to follow it to reach the elfish harbours which, most conveniently, were built next to the sea. After some weeks of walking they came around a large rock and suddenly gazed upon a mighty fleet. The fleet did perhaps look like just one ship from a distance but that is beside the point. From the ships, a huge army was disembarking. Their banner was the strangest thing Runar and Halvdan had ever seen. It was grey and brown, with three legs cut off above the knee and jammed into some sort of circle.

-That’s the silliest thing I have ever seen, said Runar.
-Yes, it looks like Orcish dinner, except that nothing of the food is on the plate.
-Precisely like Orcish dinner in other words. Perhaps it is some kind of invention? A wheel with legs. It could be attached to a wagon or ballista to make it walk over rugged terrain… That’s something Filuri could have made.

Filuri was the chief engineer of Erebor. He was a senior tinker by now, but nevertheless constantly active and tireless. Although most of his work never went beyond the level of unpractical but amusing desktop curiosities, he had perfected some groundbreaking inventions. The most famous was the building plans of the beeraduct. It was a system of bridges with canals on top of them, distributing beer and mead from the breweries on hills. The whole system had been exported to Dale, but the silly men of Dale simply used the building to distribute WATER through their cities. This had led to the beeraducts being renamed into “aqueducts”. Utterly stupid.

The dwarfs approached to get a closer look on the fleet. They were soon spotted and some guards went to meet them, each dressed in grey and black in a random and tasteless pattern. The mysterious army was the army of the Italicans. They occupied the land of Italica far beyond some sea. How they had ended up here could only be explained by their practise of hanging lucky metal charms next to their compass to get good luck and safe travels. The Italicans had got their name from their strange habit of writing and talking in Italics. While this made their commands very audible, most foreign listeners soon discovered they had a missed appointment or some other urgent business to attend to elsewhere.

The Italicans once had a sizeable realm, a real empire, which they had gained mainly from talking so loud that all their enemies and neighbours moved away to escape the noise. But during the later decades the empire had degenerated into a petty confederation of squabbling dukes and oligarchs. All was due to the incompetent emperor Arman I.

In his most lucid moment he had ordered all armour to be made fashionable. His perverted taste included ridiculously wide padded shoulders and useless buttons across the chest.

Needless to say, this was not very suitable for military actions. Italican spear formations were penetrated as easily as the orc arrow targets during the Elf winter games, simply because the soldiers had to spread out so much to make room for the shoulder plates.

Italican Swordsmen. Notice the absurd huge shoulder plates.

The current ruler of the Italican peninsula was simply called the “Don”. He was the latest in a row of idiots maintaining the proud traditions of Emperor Arman I. Don Silvio Mario Berluscorleoni ruled Italica with a loose grip and unsteady hand. He also owned much of it. This was especially bad for the population because only the Dons relatives received any official tasks and no one cared to see if they were fulfilled. This resulted in an ever-increasing web of embezzlement with especially fatal consequences for the sanitary systems. Most of the populated areas of Italica were now covered in garbage. It had grown to such amounts that a new golden age of expansion beckoned as neighbours and enemies now fled to escape the smell like they had once fled to escape the noise. The only problem was that everyone was paralyzed by nausea from named garbage smell, and therefore could not take advantage of the opportunity.

This may have contributed to the expeditionary force going astray. So, here they were, in search for fresh air and unpolluted land. The Italican commander addressed Runar and Halvdan in a pompous and unnecessarily loud voice;

-Hail! ….Oh, ha ha ha! Look men, the lord of this land has sent his court dwarfs to greet us! What a rapscallion. Or is the taller one a court jester?

-He means me. I’m the tallest, said Runar.
-No, me! Halvdan argued.
-Hmm, you are right. He must mean you. I forgot about the court jester bit.
-He meant me because I am the tallest!

Oh, you know our tongue! You speak in Italics! Most amusing, little fellow.

Halvdan whispered to Runar;
-What does he mean? I’ve never studied his mouth. It looks foul though.
- No, tongue as in language. Not literally. Although language based on Italics should be rather literal…

Runar cleared his throat.
-We are the emissaries of the dwarfs of Erebor and Dain, king under the mountain!
-What, there are more of you?
-Certainly. We live beyond the misty mountains and the forests of Mirkwood. Our cousins live here in the Ered Luin. As I said we represent our king, Dain…
-Wait, did you say he was king under the mountain? He must be rather flat by now then! Is that why you are all so short, ahahaha!
-It is just a title, good sir. It derives from the capitol being built inside the mountain, including the royal quarters.
-Hahaha…oh, spare me…only a dirty miner or a fool would want to actually live inside a mountain.
-Please, we would like to speak to the leader of your expeditionary force.
-Hmm, are you looking for employment? Now that I think of it, our leader could use some jesters. He has been awfully depressed
-No, as I said we are emissaries…”sigh”. Just take us to your leader.
-Guard! Escort these jesters to Gandolfino!

-That sounds almost like Gandalf, said Halvdan. Do you think he is a wizard too?
-No idea, but I really hope he can conjure some attention and evoke a bit of diplomacy.

The leader of the expeditionary force was the “wizard” Gandolfino the Depressed. He was called so because of his seemingly magical ability to whine about just about anything. No matter how soothingly everything succeeded (which they never did in Italica for named reasons…) he still complained. This mental state had attracted a lot of interest from various doctors. One of them was the famous Jennifer of Melfi. She had studied Gandolfino for several years and eventually married him. She was his most trusted councillor, to the point that he referred to her as “the oracle of Melfi”.

Gandolfino greeted them inside his great tent. Runar begun as customary;

-Greetings. We are the emissaries of King Dain under the mountain. We represent the dwarfs of Erebor.
-Eh, morning. Yo know if there are any ducks near here?
-Well, there are lots of ducks in the inland lakes I think. The area around here is populated mostly by ospreys.
-I miss my ducks. I used to have a flock of them in my garden at home. Then they just flew away in the autumn. Left me alone. No respect.
-Maybe they migrated?
-Why they migrate? I do all things for them, I bring them best bird seed from the Vesuvio granary! I even got this gorgeous duck masseuse from Bing Bada’s recreational facility. But they misread my note and sent Bingo Badass, the psychotic condottiero. Maybe that scared the ducks away.

Bing Badas Recreational Facility

-If we could return to the question of diplomatic relations, would you like to establish trade rights with us?
-Evbody leaves me! Yo go make a joke or someting, you’re supposed to amuse me!
-I think there has been a slight misunderstanding, good sir, which is of course understandable, not to imply that you are prone to make mistakes, which happens to us all, ahem…we are not entertainers but emissaries, although some do indeed find emissaries entertaining. Perhaps we should return at a more convenient moment?
-Yeah, yo go and send the lord here to speak to me. No mood for silly dwarfs when I must work. Send a diplomat here or something.

-That’s it. I give up. King Dain can say whatever he likes; we are NOT establishing diplomatic relations with those…
-Fools? Idiots? Morons? Halvdan inquired.
-Those words are not in my diplomatic vocabulary. But you have gotten my point right. Let’s continue towards the elven harbors.
-Yes, we are nearly at the end of an episode and have barely moved anywhere.
-What?
-Aaah, nothing. Onward to Mithlond!

Needless to say – but let’s say it anyway – the Italican level of respect for dwarfs was perhaps not entirely proper. They soon met with the Dwarfs of Ered Luin and after a short but loud diplomatic session the tensions escalated. King Gor eventually managed to convince the Italicans that they were indeed a nation of dwarfs. The laughter that met him from Gandolfinos side settled the matter. The blue dwarfs were insulted like never before, and on the shores west of Ered Luin, they fought for the dignity of Middle Earth.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

**Scottish King** · December 24, 2011, 05:14 PM

Lol! Good update!!! + rep

**Radzeer** · December 24, 2011, 10:32 PM

Their banner was the strangest thing Runar and Halvdan had ever seen. It was grey and brown, with three legs cut off above the knee and jammed into some sort of circle.

...sounds like Orcish mischief to me, barumm...

sorry couldn't resist.

Berluscorleoni...

Glad to see how it all started. True Christmas gift!

**Maltacus** · December 28, 2011, 01:16 PM

hi,
like it..

Hi, nice to hear that.

Aragorn's Knights sure have a dramatic tell to say don't they? Thanks for the mention, I found it really enjoyable to read and it put a smile on my face this morning, just the one I need to get back to writing. Keep up the great work! + rep

Indeed the knights have. May their families be safe in Goben Tolfalas, the Palma of Northern Middle Earth. And yes, please, more updates promptly!

Great stuff on the gold rush! And all those letters!

Literacy among the commoners does make its way to Middle Earth it seems.

What I think is really great in this story is the way how you have a new comedy angle for each chapter. The style is the same (which is important), but the elements differ (which is important too).
And kudos on commemorating our writers.

Lol! Good update!!! + rep

...sounds like Orcish mischief to me, barumm...

sorry couldn't resist.

Berluscorleoni...

Glad to see how it all started. True Christmas gift!

The comments from both of you are a constant source of motivation and improved mood. Many, many thanks for that!

About style, interesting comment. I myself think that the story has changed in style a bit in regard to chapter length and depht, going from comparably short and shallow beginnings to longer and more detailed chapters culminating in chapter 13, after which the episodes have become a bit shorter over time.

**Maltacus** · January 06, 2012, 10:59 AM

I am very sorry to say that this AAR is cancelled for the moment. Maybe permanently. My hard drive (I think, judging by the error messages) has been damaged by a power overload some days ago, preventing me from starting my computer. Damnation on whoever designed the sissy power grid here that can't handle a little wind (the overload occured during a lesser storm but I don't know if it's related). I will try to recover the content of the old hard drive but I don't hope for anything.

Home to Midgard is of course less dependant than most stories on the comings and goings of the actual campaign. The main thing is that the loss of all the customised game and story files - along with many hours worth of modding of my Stainless Steel installation - has ruined my motivation to keep writing. Some upcoming exam tests at school don't add to it either.

EDIT: This is no longer the case! Thanks to the help of a technically skilled friend I have been able to restore my TATW installation and the campaign seems to work! Luckly the overload did not damage much of the game files but the windows startup files. Thanks to named friend (or rather unnamed but mentioned) who graciously helped with downloading and reinstalling the operating system using the friends cown computer Runar and Halvdan are back in business

**Scottish King** · January 07, 2012, 05:08 PM

Noooooo!!! I hope things work out and you are able to complete this later!

**Radzeer** · January 07, 2012, 08:50 PM

Nooooo, goddamit! Seriously, I'm truly sorry about this. Your story has been the best comedy AAR I have read!

Thread: [TATW AAR] Home to Midgard - Part 31,5 - Updated 6/4

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Re: [TATW AAR] Home to Midgard - Part 18 - Updated 29/10

Re: [TATW AAR] Home to Midgard - Part 18 - Updated 29/10

Re: [TATW AAR] Home to Midgard - Part 18 - Updated 29/10

Re: [TATW AAR] Home to Midgard - Part 18 - Updated 29/10

Re: [TATW AAR] Home to Midgard - Part 18½ - Updated 5/11

Re: [TATW AAR] Home to Midgard - Part 19 - Updated 26/11

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Re: [TATW AAR] Home to Midgard - Part 20 - Updated 16/12

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Re: [TATW AAR] Home to Midgard - Part 21 - Updated 24/12

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Re: [TATW AAR] Home to Midgard - Part 21 - Updated 24/12 - Cancelled

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Re: [TATW AAR] Home to Midgard - Part 21 - Updated 24/12 - Cancelled

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