The Critic's Quill: Issue 23

**Juvenal** · January 01, 2011, 05:03 PM

The Editor Speaks
Hello and welcome to Issue 23 of the Quill. This was originally intended to be our Christmas special... until I fell ill with the flu. So now it is just going to have to be the New Year Edition!

There have been some changes since last time, the Quill is now responsible for creative-writing news coverage, especially the writing competitions (formerly the remit of Eagle Standard), so let me welcome Mega Tortas De Bodemloze, the driving force behind Tale of the Week, who will be covering that competition for us on a regular basis.

We are also going to cover the MAARC, and any one-off competitions will also get a mention here.

But first I'd like to welcome la coupe est pleine and Calisthenis of Green Day who provide their maiden reviews for the Quill this month. In fact our regular writers have worked so hard (producing two reviews each), that I have been able to rest on my laurels and yet still produce a substantial issue for you to enjoy in what remains of the holidays.

To find what you want in the new expanded Critic's Quill please follow the links set out below. I've also created some new banners so that you always know what section you're in.

Juvenal (Editor)

Table of Contents

Monthly AAR Competition Section

MAARC XXIV

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Tale of the Week Section

The TotW Christmas Event 2010

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

The TotW Christmas Event 2010

................VOTING PHASE has COMMENCED....................
VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE
VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE

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Clock's Ticking...so Let's go Let's Go...

Well as you'all can see TotW Coverage got hijacked over here to The Critic's Qull. Now I wasn't happy about it and went kicking and screaming, well...

not really, they bribed me with chocolate milk and sugar cookies with almond silvers. Yeah yeah... I know I'm am easy sell...

I'm still kinda unsure about all this and so if I drop off the charts you'll know that the Big-Wigs over here weren't impressed and gave me and my Byzantine Purple font da boot.

Anyway, the year end is upon us, and I'm really hoping that Santa will bring renewed vigor and enthusiasm to our stable of young writers. As you know, writers write because that's what they feel and do, but when in a compeditive field like anyone else they want to win...."badly". Now a few of our writers are within grasp of six wins which would award them a medal for their efforts*.

To that end the TotW Christmas Event 2010 will be worth two points instead of the usual one. You yourself can cheer these noble lads on and then vote for the winners yourselves as we now take you live to the action....

The TotW Christmas Event 2010

VOTE: The TotW Christmas Event 2010

TotW 95a: Easyrider aka Yannik without conscious effort displaced the second place guy {Mega} in his fast-tracking towards gaining a bronze MAARC medal. Mega was so incensed, that his "Kitty Kat Pork Butt Kitty Surprize" didn't take the week that he rolled up to Yannik's crib and was about to throw a bag of rattle snakes thru Yannik's bed room window when he got jacked up by the cops. Moderator Legio/Niko was able to post bail after he explained how some crazed/loony tune writters roll. Due to the bond cost the restrooms at TotW are bring your own roll, til the next fiscal quarter begins.

TotW 95a: The Picture

TotW 95a: The Story

Looking Into The Future

1438 Germany

‘Do you see it? Can you visualize it? Can’t you feel it?!’ He had gone into an ardent fervor, spittle flying from the tip of his lips. ‘It is the future! It’s our future! We can make it. We can shape it!’ His eyes gleamed with fanatical devotion. ‘I ask you but one thing sir; just think of its potential! We will control the masses, shape the land and advance the human race as we know it!’

I looked at him: who was this man? Hair splayed carelessly over his crumpled clothing; he looked pathetic, feeble and crazy. His eyes were inflamed with the fever that gripped him, convulsing with enthusiasm; but? To what extent of power could this notion entail? I had always told myself that there was a fine line between genius and crazy; which side had he stepped on?

He rushed to the window, pulling the curtains aside, he revealed a breathtaking view: the city sprawled across the landscape like a jigsaw puzzle, the sun spilling its golden rays over the horizon and the birds absorbed in full song flitting from tree to tree. ‘Think of how the world and we could benefit from this. This would revolutionize everything! Just think of the potential! Look into the future!’

I closed my eyes. His fervor was there beneath the darkness; it had infected me. I reached for it to fill me, I wanted to see what he could see. I wanted to look into the future. But the present was always there and looming, stopping me from travelling to the future. The troubles of my time were the barricade, and the glory of the future was my stimulant. I leaped.

I could see it now: behind closed eyes I tried to visualize, tried to materialize the enormity of the prospect. He had moved me. I saw it. There would be no more illiterate, inventions would be universal, knowledge would spread like wildfire for all of humanity to benefit from, and, above all, the world would have them to thank. And in that image of splendor I was lost; the future had captured me, I had looked and saw what was to come.

He sensed the change, and the fervor mellowed immediately. Putting his arm around me he led me towards the balcony. He spoke softly, almost placating, ‘We can do this Andreas. Let us set to work.’ I nodded my head slowly, my brain still rapt in the image of the future, my future.

And so following an afternoon of looking into the future we set to making that future. Building it; shaping it. I would fund Johannes Gutenberg, and in return: he would create for us the printing press.

The future beckoned.

NOTE: Johannes Gutenberg invented the first commercial printing press which indeed revolutionized the world we live in today, for an unnumbered number of reasons. Andreas Dritzehn funded his initial experiments. This is not supposed to be historically accurate or even historical relevant at times.

By Yannik.

Now although some might think otherwise, writing is not an easy thing to do, nor does it magically appear at the snap of a finger. To that end I wrote a little note on it, and asked Juvenal to add his three pounds, two shillings as well...

Writing: It's not an easy thing

Well that's about all I have for this transitory edition of TotW Coverage, please join us next time when I hope to announce our 1st TotW medal winners of 2011.
This has been Mega Tortas for ~~the Eagle Standard~~ The Critic's Quill wishing you safe journey and good fortune.

Coverage by Mega Tortas De Bodemloze

AAR Review Section

The Chronicles of a Hungarian Freeman
A Stainless Steel AAR by Radzeer

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

The Story
It was a dark September evening when I first opened the new AAR who just uprose, entitled The Chronicle of a Hungarian Freeman.

A sudden shiver ran down my spine. The Hungarian lands… I imagined a wild Kingdom crossed by the Danube, full of dark forests, small hills and deep lakes, surrounded by dangerous cliffs. A Kingdom of adventure, heroes and tragedies…

There are still some feelings of magic and mystery coming from those European eastern lands, most particularly when you are from a western country. I was definitely ready to enjoy an epic story. And I could say I was absolutely lucky…

The first lines announced the color.

When the plague came I lost my parents and the land was taken away. Those were dark times, always with cold and hunger.

OK, it would be a first-person story. Perfect. I still thought they were the most immersive ones. Moreover, it wouldn’t be a classical tale, since the character doesn’t seem to be from royal blood…

I joined a band of outlaws and did not live the life Christ had preached

Definitely not a classical tale…

I joined a band of pagan Cumans who raided fiefs and farms. It was a life with no purpose.

What the hell! Man, you definitely lured us with such an appealing story…

Yes, definitely, the author had begun the story at full speed. Without letting time to the reader to breathe, we are suddenly thrown in a battlefield where Andreas, the outlaw hero, had to fight for his life; for his survival…

Fortunately, Andreas would soon take sight of the wisdom lights, and embark upon a brave and fantastic military career in the Hungarian royal army. Starting from a random infantry soldier …

When I went to the ranking officer, no questions were asked and I became a soldier of the Kingdom

…he rises to a royal commander, right-hand of Almus, a Hungarian chivalric noble.

The story of Andreas is linked with the Hungarian Kingdom events. Andreas is a touching character, tossed around by the dark events, the rebellions, the eastern invasions, the royal family plots; and even some insane crusades. He lives his life with courage and bravery, having some rare friends. He fights against the Cumans hordes, the Catholic Kingdoms and the Muslim Caliphates… Andreas will be your mate during that bloody Hungarian tale, and you will learn to like him.

Pictures
The mod used is the excellent Stainless Steel. I must admit that I never used it, but what a good one! Given that Radzeer uses the picture as his main weapon to convey the events, then SS is the ideal mod. Indeed, the graphics are most perfect and the unit’s skins are accurately modded.

Moreover, the author adds a touch of editing which generate wonderful pictures, with a lot of details.

However, Radzeer doesn’t just use his editing skills to impress us. He has a shifty tendency to select some bad weather to increase the strength of his pictures.

The author knocked me out with a secret final blow when the battles are night ones.

I personally have tried to find the secret combination to make pictures attractive, but I have to admit that Radzeer beat us hollow… Well done sir. However, all is not pink. I have some regrets about the size of the pictures. Knowing that the resolution seems to be very high, I’m sure it would be possible to increase the size without blurring the pic.

The second point is that sometimes, the soldiers appear with bright red-ish doublets, without any dust on it. If I would like to be more royalist than the king, I would advise Radzeer to use a special filter to make the colors duller. But as I said, Radzeer pictures are matching those of the Artist studio, which is not the least.

He seems well aware about of the power of his pictures, and uses them a lot to build the story line, especially during battles. For instance, no less than 43 pics are used for the last epic battle.

Critique
The story seems to be equally balanced between pictures and text. I think it is attractive, but could leave a bit hungry some readers who like details and heavy descriptions. However, between battles, Radzeer takes time to explain the plots, the news and the decisions made by the royal family. Therefore, the story keeps clear and interesting.

I’m not the best placed to judge the writing mistakes as I’m French, but the writing always seems fluid and I didn’t notice faults.

It is time to discuss about the points which made the story original, and worthy of great congratulations.

Radzeer decided to follow the life of a people who is not from a royal family, which let some liberty, compared to the campaign events. It is perfect for plots also.
The idea to play some custom battles is great, most particularly to fight with/against specific units, and also to choose the field and the weather. Here is one of the sources of so beautiful pictures.
The idea to make a short AAR permit to fix the limits of the plot and surely to write a more organized story than when following randomly the events which happened in the campaign.

Conclusion
So, to sum up, this first AAR of Radzeer is from the very start a beautiful “touchdown”. Readers weren’t wrong when congratulating the story.

So, please rush to read that fantastic chronicle if you didn’t have the opportunity to do so. You won’t regret it. Follow Andreas through Hungary and the Mediterranean Kingdoms. Pray the sky to spare his life during the epic battles he is going to fight.

What would be his fate? What could be the fate of a medieval freeman, after all? Maybe you will discover the meaning of his last mysterious sentence.

I am tired. It is cold at night here, and I have nothing more to write. I will pray for finally arriving at that battle tonight. I am still a warrior at heart.

Afterword
The “cherry on the cake” is that Radzeer is currently writing a second AAR, about the Rus, and most particularly Kiev.
It is the story of three brothers, but I prefer to let you see what it is about…

Review by la coupe est pleine

The Baltic Terror
A Kingdoms-BFTB-SS AAR by Thokran

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

It is hard to imagine a more striking contrast than between the sands of Makuria and the dark forests of the Baltics. However, Thokran’s compelling and engaging storytelling has not changed a bit. His latest AAR brings us the rise of the Teutonic Order, combining three extensions/mods: Kingdoms Teutonic Campaign, Stainless Steel and Battle for the Baltic. Personally, I was thrilled to see an AAR in BftB2, which is an excellent submod under Stainless Steel offering nicely designed units and a great atmosphere for roleplay.

The plot masterfully presents the Order’s two faces: terror and lust for power on one side and religious zeal on the other. The reader soon learns that the enemy is not always outside the walls, but often lurks within the ranks of the Order. I particularly like that all characters have at least a touch of evil, which fits well to the scene and nicely complements the struggle for spreading the faith, especially against the “enigmatic former Bishop Albert” (one of my favorite characters).

There were bigger things to worry about, like the true war against heresy and paganism. For far too long the Lithuanians had been given space to grow, and in their rapid expansion, they spouted out their blasphemy at every point and turn. Heretics traveled the lands of Samogitia unchecked, jeopardizing the hard work of the Christian missionaries there. It was a war fought with words, beliefs and scripture, rather than sword and steel. But it was a war of critical importance; one that had to be won at all costs.

Thokran’s narrative has a nice flow, and a good balance between the campaign events and the battles. My only critical comment is related to the German titles of the characters. There was some inconsistency in using the German and English versions, and occasionally the abundance of titles makes the narrative a bit difficult to follow for those who are not familiar with the Order’s ranks.

The battles are selectively documented, based on their importance in the storyline. The fight descriptions are intense and well written.

This ragtag garrison was pitted against a formidable army of spearmen and axemen from the wilds of Samogitia. But Luther didn’t care about the odds. He had his catapults fire at will as the enemy advanced, raining down fire and brimstone upon the godless pagans. Luther had the fiery wrath of God on his side, and that was all that mattered!

General Sparre could not afford to lose any of his men to arrow fire, and he ordered his men to attack. They in turn were countered by Hohenberg’s own infantry line, and the result was a deafening clash of steel as the two masses of armored warriors crashed into another with tremendous force. It was brutally intense for both sides, who found their skills to be evenly matched. Discipline met Ferocity in battle, and neither side seemed to pull through.

Thokran does a great job with the picture presentation too. There is a good balance between campaign and battle pictures, both appropriately cropped. The campaign pictures support the narrative in a professional manner, providing nice illustrations to moves, events and characters. The battle pictures are smaller than what most AARs use, which seems to be attributed to computer performance.

One suggestion I have is to use aerial shots before the most important field battles so that the readers could get a general sense of the layout. An occasional update on the campaign minimap would be useful too, as the BftB2 map is fairly unique. But these are just minor points on an AAR which excellently uses pictures to support the narrative, having a balanced picture to text ratio.

Thokran is a good steward of his AAR. The updates come frequently (in the first weeks I could not keep up my reading with his updating!), and he is in for the long haul. The first ten years of the campaign were told over close to thirty updates, and there must be at least a century of events still ahead of us. And that will be an epic journey to the darkness, both that of the Baltic forests and what is in the heart of those that fight on its soil.

Review by Radzeer

Challenge Accepted
An Extended Cultures AAR for RTW by StealthEvo

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Introduction
Challenge Accepted; A weird name for an AAR, but then the AAR was a challenge.

Stealth's task was to play as Gaul, horde in the first few turns, go all the way to India, and settle there. Which incidentally is on the other side of the game map. Then he had to complete the campaign objectives. Which are designed for Gauls. Located in Gaul. On the side of the game map he'd just come from. An impossible task? Nothing is impossible for Stealth the Awesome.

Stealth writes this AAR with "Awesome" injected wherever he can. Almost everything Stealth writes has Awsome or Sexy put somewhere. Anything that has Gaul in it will have Awesome in the caption. Gaul has been called the Mob of Awesome, the Country of Awesome and the advance of Awesome. It is in a way, the theme of this AAR.

Writing
A good ol' caption-then-picture style AAR, not one of those immense text walls with a deep story that goes on forever and ever amen......you get the picture. (Pardon the slight pun)

Stealth manages to entertain us before we even read the AAR!

Spoiler for Update Titles:

And then we have the picture/s for the introduction:

Spoiler for Intro Pics:

After all that's done, the AAR begins...

The campaign kicks off with the hording of Gaul and the migration to the other side of the world. He doesn't make a story of it, but he does make good captions of the migration.

Gauls like to sightsee in near Venice like the rest of us.

A good, brief, descriptive caption. But the one thing that lets it down it the typo which leaves us flapping about to divine his true intent; was it supposed to be "in" or "near"?

Then we get to actually settling in India, and Stealth brings out his genius:

I feel sorry for their governer. 2000 hungry sweaty gauls at my front step having run out of beer decades ago. Wouldn't want to be him right then.

A gem of description.

Stealth's grammar and spelling leaves much to be desired. Much indeed.
He often misses capital letters in names, and even for "I" (as in "me"):

Shows how awesome Gaulish man hoarding to india makes your generals.

No capital "I" for India, not a big error, but it spoils the flow while you wonder if india is maybe being used in some other sense here.

In XC readme manual they always say. Have everything on 5 or else you die completely.

Again the erroneous full-stop breaks the flow (I suppose it should have been a colon or maybe quotes). For other bits (and there are a lot of other bits like this), a comma or other would be more appropriate than another sentence.

Stealth is a BIG leet-speaker. Not to the point where the text is completely unreadable (I don't actually know anyone that bad), but Stealth likes to use "words" like "Iz", "Noez", "Mah" and "Monehs". Actually, despite being a grammar nit-picker, I think this enhances the AAR in an odd, but entertaining, way.

Stealth gives nicknames to characters who have battle experience and who have won many battles; and sometimes just for convenience. Some examples:

Barrenvindos - Bazza
Vercassivellaunos - "Uggers" (later to become "Not so Uggers")
Cadeyrn - Cade

Having these nicknames for the characters is one of the better points of this AAR. I find it really enjoyable to read the AAR with the main character's imaginative nicknames rather than their less interesting historical names.

Images & Visual Aids
This AAR is fifty percent screenshots. They are unedited and don't have any purpose other than to illustrate what Stealth is saying. They are usually very good companions to the captions, and only very occasionally fail to gell with Stealth's narrative. There's not an awful lot to say about the screenshots except that it would be nice if there were a few more battle picturea among. As Stealth generally only posts the results of battles, in-battle pictures are extremely rare. Capturing some good battle momenta would add so much more to the AAR.

I also think that some of the screenshots should have been edited. Take this for example:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

There could be a Paint-drawn circles around the rivers, to back up the comedic element of the caption, with Paint-drawn captions inside the picture, or below it saying things like:
Could Bactra be here?
Or here?
Maybe Bactra's here??
It would add to the AAR a lot more than just a place shrouded in the fog of war, which is slightly boring (especially if the reader doesn't know where Bactria is either).

Conclusion

Do you want a story AAR? Don't come to this AAR.
Do you want a gripping plot? Definitely don't come to this AAR.
Do you want an entertaining report full to the brim with Awesome? Definitely come to this AAR.

Stealth in my opinion, has made a brilliant report AAR, with great creativity with both writing and in little things like the characters names. But there could be more work done on picture editing, since there is none. It was a pleasure to read the AAR, and I might play a migration campaign myself. Maybe you will too, after reading this AAR.

Review by Calisthenis of Green Day

The Legacy of Skantarios
A Stainless Steel AAR for M2TW by Skantarios

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Introduction
One of the main events of the AAR scene in 2010 was Skantarios’ masterpiece (“I am Skantarios!” – reviewed in Issue 17). Most players would have moved on after pulling off a VH/VH victory in the 1450 campaign as Byzantium, which is a feat in itself. But Skantarios decided to please the fans and challenge himself with a sequel.

Spoiler for The Third Roman Empire:

The original AAR was carried by the character development of the protagonist and the difficulty of the campaign. The great emperor is now history, and the campaign is basically won. Accordingly, the challenge for Skantarios in the sequel is more of a writer's challenge and less of a player’s one – and the expectations for him are probably higher than for anybody else.

Skantarios is the most disciplined and structured writer around the TWC forums who always puts forth no less than a full effort. The events are documented in details, offering a unique epic feeling. The narrative develops through a series of letters and diary entries by Likenia, the late emperor’s daughter (following the footsteps of the great Anna Comnena). There is no shortage in material as the empire has already colored half of the map purple, and the royal family has numerous members fighting and plotting in various regions.

Story
The main conflict of the plot puts two of the best generals of the late emperor against the successor and his heir. This was an excellent choice because it is a realistic scenario, thus the readers can easily relate to the story. The departure of a legendary character always leaves a void which is difficult to fill, as Likenia noted.

How do you follow a man who could justly be described as a legend in his own time?

But Likenia happens to be the wife of one of those disappointed generals, so she does not hold back her criticism for the emperor and his regime.

I find it ironic that a man who openly consorts with criminals and is known for his "bending" of the truth could be called "chivalrous."

A tough challenge for every writer following a successful story is to decide how much the sequel needs to be changed. In this AAR, Skantarios shifted to a more plot driven narrative. I would encourage him to move even further in that direction, as the real story is now less in the battles (that he can win blindfolded), but more in the political intrigues, especially that he has several characters with equal weights instead of one dominant protagonist. One minor suggestion on the narrative may be to use other sources than Likenia regularly, to add a more dynamic flow to the court events.

Pictures
The pictures match the epicness of the story. The campaign images are abundant and informative. I particularly like the extended character cards and family trees because they take a huge amount of work to be done right as they have to be assembled from multiple shots, and that is not easy to do in a seamless manner. Skantarios spared no effort to provide these in exceptional quality.

Spoiler for Traits & Ancillaries:

Spoiler for Family Tree:

The battle shots are where Skantarios' work has improved substantially over the past year. These are nicely cropped, the interface elements are gone, and extra touches are added. The angles are well chosen, for both close-up and aerial shots. My only comment would be to avoid the red lines of the battlefield’s edge.

The discipline in Skantarios’ work is evident in the presentation of the AAR too. Battles come with commander and army cards. An elaborate use of spoilers provides easy navigation in the narrative, and the campaign map is shown after every update.

Conclusion
The story is now getting closer to the grand finale. There is still some land left to conquer before the Mediterranean Sea becomes a Roman lake again, but the disappointed generals are already marching to Constantinople for the final showdown. Likenia just recently asked “Who knows what the future will bring?” I am sure that no matter what it brings, we will not be disappointed.

This AAR is not only the legacy of Skantarios the Emperor, but also Skantarios the Writer. With these stories he showed that AARs can be done at a high level of professional quality. Now the only question is whether the restored Roman Empire with its great generals, cunning politicians and orthodox culture can survive the Pagan Vengeance coming soon to a war theater near you.

Review by Radzeer

The Rise of Portugal
A Stainless Steel 6.3 AAR for M2TW by TheBard

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Story and Introduction
Veteran AARtist “TheBard” (great screen name for a writer, by the way) has crafted a story about the rise of Portugal in the Early Medieval period. At this point in history, Portugal has just achieved independence from the Kingdom of Leon (re: Spain). They are squeezed between the Muslim superpower of the Moors, the expansionist designs of Aragon, and their jealous former-masters in Leon.

It is a difficult starting position and one that TheBard goes into some lengths to describe. In fact, they are probably the weakest nation in the land at the start in terms of wealth, populace, and military power. So, I am already intrigued by this as it is clearly going to be a difficult road for the author.

TheBard wrote some AARs in the past but hasn't been on the scene for while. I’ve always been fascinated about what drives someone to write an AAR as it is usually a very personal choice. So, as a new feature to my review, I have asked the author to write a paragraph or two telling us why he decided to write an AAR and his motivations for using a particular mod and faction.

Spoiler for Words from the Author:

Writing Style and Wording
The level of finish on a normal AAR can best be described as a decent final draft. There are usually some minor spelling and usage errors and a few things forgotten in the heat of writing. Since the author is almost always working without a proofreader/editor, a few errors are inevitable. TheBard is no different in this regard. That said, the errors are relatively minor and few and detract only a little bit from the story.

TheBard also occasionally takes a "time out" to highlight some aspect of the game and tell explain aspects of the mod such as why recruitment takes longer, costs of buildings, etc. Not a real criticism but it is another way that the story sometimes lacks continuity and immersion. It might be better done by leaving it out of the updates and part of a separate post.

The story itself is told in the third person perspective. TheBard does not use any common plot device such as diary entries, letters, or extra characters to tell his story. Rather, it is written as a novel or, more aptly, a historical account. This perspective gives him great leeway to bring in various aspects of the story without being tied to one character or point of view.

I will note that TheBard does not use much dialogue in his tale. Dialogue is sometimes tough to write and, if not done well, can come off as disingenuous or clumsy. It is a complement to him that he doesn't often tread into these waters and (I believe) recognizes this as his own limitation.

I have broken up the rest of my review of his storytelling into two sections: the strategic overview and the battles. It is often difficult to know how much to focus on each element but I think TheBard has done a good job balancing the two separate, but intertwined, aspects of the game into his story.

Strategic Story
The author goes to some great lengths to describe the geopolitical situation as well as introducing the various characters in the game. This is not unusual for AARs. However, most AARs start strongly in this regard and then let it trail off in later chapters. Where TheBard sets himself apart is that he keeps coming back to it and updating the reader on both the characters and the world situation. I really liked this aspect of his AAR and it serves as an example for others to emulate.

The author also provides excellent descriptions of his motivations for why he is doing the things he does such as: the decision to invade territories, make alliances, launch expeditions, etc. Again, he spends a good deal of effort in an area that is often missing in other AARs. He frequently updates the reader on where his kingdom ranks in the world and the progress they are making in relation to their neighbors and the world at large. In fact, the level of detail in this regard is something I haven't found in any other AAR. He also cuts in many screen shots of the world map which is something I like and many other authors don’t do.

The author also does not neglect his characters going forward. As they develop and change, he revisits them and shows how they are growing, changing, and (often) dying.

Originally Posted by TheBard

King Henrique refuses to allow his men to dishonor the Moorish hero, and he makes arrangements for his body to be returned to the Caliph. Though the King has no love for the Moors, and he hates their heathen religion, he is a father first. Were it Afonso’s body lying there in the dust, Henrique would give anything to see his boy again.

The strategic level view is definitely the strong suit of this AAR. The author's care and attention to this aspect shines through and is something that I would recommend continuing. I would, perhaps, mention that some of the prime characters get a little more attention (though he goes through quite a few of them as the story goes on).

Originally Posted by TheBard

Every night, the King drifts off to a restless sleep as he hears the boom of the Aragonese war drums. In the daytime, the drums are drowned out by the activity of the King’s defending garrison, but every night, all summer long, the low rumbling is heard throughout the castle. Every man, woman, and child in Valencia understands that those drums mark their doom. It echoes in their chests and vibrates through their bones.

Battle Descriptions
The author does not spend as much time on his battle descriptions as he does on his strategic descriptions. Though he started out strong in this regard, his battle descriptions have trailed off as of late. Most battles are covered with a few paragraphs of text and only a few pictures (some even less). It is assuredly true that not all battles are worthy of a detailed description and the author takes this to heart. However, there are other battles that are pivotal to the development of a nation and should be given more care. So, overall, I would rate this as a weakness of the AAR although not a substantial one.

Images and Visual Aids
If there is any one area that I would encourage the author to do more, it would be with his use of photos and how he edits and uses them. Now, having said that, I will acknowledge that there are two “schools of thought” on the use of screen shots (especially as they are used in battles) and some of this is a matter of personal taste.

There are some people who like to see the whole screen in battles so they can get more information on how the fight is progressing, what casualties have been taken, and the relative strengths of the opposing armies. All these factors are missing when you cut in just the picture of the actual fighting.

There are many others greatly prefer to have the photos cropped, the highlighting removed from units, and the pictures to be smaller so that the text describing the battle tells the story and the pictures just augment that. I will profess, I am in this latter camp. While doing all the cropping and editing definitely takes more time, most readers think it gives a more realistic feel to the story and makes the pictures seem more “authentic.” This assists in the immersion of the story and separating the reader from the game.

In this AAR, the author does crop/resize his campaign map screen shots but leaves the battle photos almost untouched except for resizing them. Also, the angles he captures are not always the best for capturing the action.

Spoiler for Untouched Photos:

I would counsel him to not be afraid to pause the game, zoom in, move around, and get the best screen shot. I think he will find the results to be much better.

One last negative about the photos is that they are usually fairly large for JPEGs (but not as much as the original .png format) and that slows the loading time for each update. The larger size of the photos does not add greatly to the quality and can cause problems with readers with lower-bandwidth connections. I would advise him to do more with spoilers or content boxes in his posts to make the loading of his posts easier and less distracting.

On the positive side, TheBard takes great care to periodically update and show the family tree (which is harder than it sounds, actually). This greatly helps in our understanding of who the power players are in the fledgling Kingdom of Portugal. The time he takes and the care he shows comes through very clearly.

Spoiler for Family Tree:

Overall, I would say that his use of screen shots and how he incorporates them into his story is the greatest weakness of this AAR. Fortunately, it is an easily fixable one.

Critique and Summary
Overall, this is an excellent AAR. The plot moves along well and you get good character and story development. There is decent depth to both the plot and the characters (although to a lesser extent). His story doesn't get too bogged down on any one detail and there is an easy progression to the timeline.

I will note that he doesn't win all the battles in which he fights. I am sure he is a competent player but the faction and time period he has chosen is exceptionally difficult and shows how tenuous his hold is in the early years. This also adds an element of realism to the story and gives better depth to the story when he must write how he deals with his latest setback.

The storytelling of TheBard has gotten better and better as this AAR has progressed. In fact, one of the nice things about reading this AAR was watching him improve as a storyteller and comparing the quality of his later posts to those in the beginning. While there is still room for improvement, the current quality is exceptional and clearly shows the author's commitment to producing it.

Again, this is an excellent story and one of the better AARs that I have seen on the forums. TheBard has been continually updating it for the past three months and I must say the time has been well spent. I would recommend this AAR quite highly to anyone.

Review by Skantarios

Historical Fiction Section

In the Dragon's Jaws
A story by Captain Jin

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Captain Jin’s In the Dragon’s Jaws is an ongoing story of a series of men and women who are struggling to survive during the Boxer uprising of the early twentieth century. It is the story of a young man who enlisted in the Marine Corps to escape poverty, of a woman whom he increasingly falls in love with, and various other important players with their own plot-lines and views of the political intrigue going on in the legation quarter. In its present form, I see the work as primarily an incomplete story of novella length, but if Jin continues to work diligently on this, then I foresee this turning into something of novel length (over 50,000 words).

Chapter one is where we meet the primary protagonist of the story, Charles “Charlie” Hawkins. Immediately following our acquaintance with him, we see that he greatly differs from that of the other marines on board the ship, namely his chief companion, Morrow; while the others are boisterous, talkative (Morrow), and relatively carefree, Hawkins is established as an almost spiritual thinker in that he seems always to be searching for the answers as to why humans are the way they are. A flashback occurs about halfway through the chapter which details the early events of Hawkins’ life; he lived destitute on the streets of an industrializing Philadelphia, fighting off roves of others in a similar situation. Over the course of time, no amount of ‘street smarts’ staved off voracious hunger, and when an impressive marine recruiter met the protagonist, he speedily whisked him off to Washington DC where he was then enlisted in the military, forever exchanging one life for another.

Famine, death, and drought are three words that could summarize chapter two. Northern China has experienced extreme drought which has brought death and destruction to tens of thousands of Chinese peasants whose barely and rice is burnt under an unforgiving sun. Perhaps an equal travesty, many Christian missionaries from the United States and Europe have arrived to China in droves and have worked unrelentingly to convert the Chinese masses to Christianity; under a guise of spiritual guidance, these ‘messengers of God’ have mostly been proven to be no more than hacks who take advantage of the poor situation of China itself. Like the Manchu empress, they rape the country for what it’s worth, and force the labouring Han (almost uniformly unkindly) to do their bidding. These events set the stage for the infamous Boxer uprising which initially starts in Shandong Province, and then spreads into all of Northern China. The principle goal is to expel the foreign invaders from Chinese soil and then to punish those who willingly diverged from the old ways. In this light, the reader meets Shen Huan, a poor farmer whose father died recently and whose mother is ailing due to an acute lack of provisions for their family. As the oldest son, the responsibilities of caring for the family fell on his shoulders, but, though he worked to harvest his crops, none would grow. Increasingly desperate, Huan joined the Boxers and raided a nearby village where, at first appalled by their barbarity, nevertheless joined in on it out of sheer desperation; the result being two innocents being killed. A beautiful young girl and her younger brother; like him, merely trying to live. Though brutal, there are definitely some similarities between Huan and Hawkins, which leads me to predict that this important foil will carry out throughout the story.

The beginning of the third chapter sees Hawkins lost in his own reminiscence; he remembers a brutal guerilla fight with the Filipinos in which he ruthlessly caves in a young man’s skull. While Morrow seems to have dismissed the entire affair, it continues to haunt Hawkins who, though willing to do it again should he be forced to, recognizes the futility of his action, the wrong he committed in extinguishing a life so young – the bravery of the young man is not lost on Hawkins, but the rage that wells up inside of the Marine as a result of the man’s attack tragically extricates itself on the small warrior who is brutally overpowered. Such were the thoughts of Hawkins when they arrived in the coastal city of Tianjin. From Tianjin, they travelled north to the imperial city of Beijing. One and all, the marines are impressed with the architectural advances of a civilization thousands of years their owns senior; however, what marks itself out the greatest is the silence that permeates around them; though thousands of citizens walk the city, none of them say a word, they merely stare at the little force trooping professionally down towards the legation quarter, near the Tartar Wall. It is then that Hawkins and Myers, the captain of the brigade, realize woefully that should help not arrive soon, they would be easily overpowered. Upon arriving at the legation quarter, they are greeted by the American minister who expresses his gratitude by saying something to the effect of ‘we’re saved’. After a brief dialogue, the soldiers disembark from ranks, and Hawkins, Sullivan, and Morrow look about the place, eventually setting their sights upon a gorgeous young woman. The effect on all of them is immediate: Morrow makes lewd comments to which the girl responds negatively in English. Embarrassed, also with butterflies in his stomach, Hawkins apologizes profusely for his friend’s vulgarity before each departs their separate ways.

The first part of the fourth chapter focuses on Hawkins’ need for coffee, and then importantly switches to a dialogue concerning Marine Captains Hall and Myers, the American Minister Conger, and the British Minister Sir Claude regarding the defence of the legation quarter, or rather, the lack of defence for the legation quarter. Being that all four of them were military men at some point, they each conceded that the place was nearly indefensible; the Tartar wall was the only thing that provided any defensive cover whatsoever in that area of the city. Myers argues the parable that with his 56 marines, he can barely maintain a skeleton watch of the entire district and notes that should the Boxers enter the city in any semblance of force, they could be presently overrun. After express askance from the British minister, Myers obtained permission to commandeer linen, draperies, and other materials for the construction of sandbags to defend the quarter and all of the Chinese converts that had flooded there for their own protection. Once that is established, Japanese Colonel Shiba arrives with the news that an international brigade of troops would be arriving in some weeks time to augment the forces already stationed there. Following that announcement, the meeting is broken up, and the attention is refocused on Hawkins as he espies the woman from the night prior filling the bowls of the poor with water. Wishing to make proper amends, he waits in line with his own cup, and, upon reaching him, she fills it, and makes a move to continue on before being stopped by Hawkins’ awkward evocation. Through the dialogue, he laments the actions of his friend and eventually garners the name of the woman: Mei Lien.

Chapter five is divided into two equal parts; the first part is the British Minister’s meeting with the German delegate and the second details the arriving of the international troops. The former shall be discussed first. Upon entrance to Sir Claude’s office, the Baron Clemens von Ketteler promptly disclosers to Sir Claude the nature of the visit, that is, why were the British refusing to abandon Peking to the Boxers. After a short discourse, the impossibility of the British withdrawal is made evident; for the most powerful super power of its day to retreat would be ludicrous, and, in the effort to save face, none of the other Europeans, Japanese, or American powers could safely leave China solely to the British. In sheer desperation, the Baron references, knowingly in vain, the fact that both his and Claude’s family both reside in the quarter, and that, should they be accosted, they would meet certain demise. Resolute to the last, Claude iterates that a retreat is impossible due since the Boxers have been reported attacking railways, but impresses the need on the Baron not to worry because troops would be arriving to reinforce their position. Sometime in the afternoon the aforementioned troops arrived in Peking, and, as with what occurred with the American Marines, they were watched distrustfully by the city’s population. In the shadows Mei Lien watched them with a mix of resentment and wonder; a part of her rested with the Boxers in their quest to rid the middle country from foreign invaders, but the idea of so many deaths proved disconcerting for her. Behind her, her childhood friend (who had feelings for her) Liang lauded the efforts of the Chinese rebels and cursed the Americans, British, French, and anyone else who he thought as wanting to carve up China for themselves; however, his anger was tempered in the knowledge that should the legation quarter come under attack, he would be slaughtered just as easily as Mei Lien or any of the foreigners. Together, they watched in silence.

The final chapter of this ongoing work is structured trilaterally. Part one details the British legation celebrating Queen Victoria of England’s eighty-first birthday, and all of the influential in the legation attending the party. Captain Myers and Hall had been given invitations to which they had accepted, but each of them looked wholly out of place amidst the gaudy atmosphere that, to them, seemed un-American. Angst gripped Myers who inwardly rebelled against the fact that, instead of doing more to ensure the safety of the quarter, they decided to have a party. Somewhere amidst the festivities of the evening, French Minister Pinchon, Sir Claude, and the Baron conversed on the stupidity of remaining in Peking. Soon enough, the arguments ceased and the ministers each returned to the merriment that would dominate the evening; everything was planned as if it were a European ball – after the meal the dancing commenced. Outside, away from the extravagant quarters of Sir Claude, Hawkins, Sullivan, and Morrow played cards near their sleep quarters. They were only disturbed when a middle-aged news reporter from London stopped, and shared his information regarding the Boxers. Afterwards, he and Morrow deviated into a debate over Britain’s refusal to aid the South during the Civil War. Tiring of listening, Hawkins left them to their arguments and walked down the quarter alone, gathering his thoughts. His wanderings are interrupted by the sounds of the party, and then by Mei Lien who had followed him. Briefly, they held dialogue before she left him dazed, happy, and, moreover, curious.

First of all, I would like to applaud Jin for all of the effort he has put into drafting the story; make no mistake, this took a lot of work. With that said, let me say exactly what I like most about In the Dragon’s Jaws: Stylistically, everything flows quite smoothly, and I particularly like the introspective train of conscious that is keenly utilized to show Hawkins’ thought process. Structurally, all of the chapters are very uniform in length, and lend credence to the fact that this is indeed a story with a military mindset. Character portrayal, I think, is the strongest aspect of this story. You completely nailed what I would think Morrow, the reporter, Pinchon, Claude, and Hawkins himself would be should this not have been a fictional piece. Well done.

On the flip side, there were a couple of redresses that I want to make from the notes I took: I noticed in chapter two that you mistakenly put what I think to be Chen Huan’s surname behind his first name. In China, surnames come before the given name, so it would be ‘Huan Chen’; I’m not sure if you placed it the other way on purpose or not. In terms of overall sentence structure, it was mostly smooth, but there were a few very strange verb tenses that you used a few places in Chapter One and Chapter Five. Additionally, you had a couple of easily fixable grammatical errors (first sentence of chapter three), and there were two or three others that just need to be proofread again. Also, there were a few ambiguities that looked a little clumsy somewhere, but again easily fixable with more proofreading. Other than that, a little first word variation would have been good, but, again, let me say this: well done.

Review by Carloginias

Work Critiques Section

Henrick Gleeson
A story by Encino_Man

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

I first came upon Henrick Gleeson while I was perusing the Creative Writing section of The Writer’s Study, and what dragged me into that particular thread was nothing short of the title itself; admittedly, it brought back nostalgic memories of my first readings of Jane Eyre, Robinson Crusoe and other books with the name of the protagonist as the title. Currently, the only instalment of it available is the brief synopsis and a relatively short chapter one. Out of everything I’ve read lately on TWC, it is one of the few stories that has dialogue as its principle mode of expression, and it seems to flow rather naturally in this form of prose.

In a nutshell, the first chapter of Henrick Gleeson has the protagonist sleeping (he works for the City Guard) in an obscure guard observatory in the fictional city of Ronzania; the description he gives of the city make it resemble something of a prosaic walled European city, almost like the unerring Camelot of Arthurian legend. Boundless green hills adorn the landscape surrounding the great city, and Henrick yearns to leave the suffocating walls of the city and explore the continents of the world after he is abruptly woken up by a guard on duty. Through the dialogue presented in the story, we instantly garner the feeling that Henrick is a little scatter brained, and dreamily wanders about the confounds of his own mind; in the scene where the guards make fun of him, he seems to take it in relative candour, but I just can’t shake the feeling that he doesn’t necessarily understand why he’s the butt of their jokes. Leaving them to their own laughter, he departs on his trip home to his grandfather’s house and notes, that despite living a distinctly soldierly life, that his physical conditioning isn’t really up to par; with only the dim lamp lights of the city for comfort, it is inferred that he makes it to his grandfather’s cottage in time to partake in victuals.

There are a few things that worked well in the opening chapter, and a few things that did not. What worked marvellously is the establishment of Henrick as a character in and of himself, and the fact that you did it using mostly dialogue is a very interesting idea. Though I’m unsure of the original intent of your character, I see him as a starry-eyed dreamer who lives humbly and is searching for a chance to make his mark upon the unsuspecting world; in short, character projection was good. I also liked the comical camaraderie of the guardsmen.

However, there were a few issues that you might want to look at while editing your story. There are really two things that I saw with your sentence structure: either it was grammatically incorrect or it was grammatically correct but very awkwardly worded (i.e. I had to reread it several time to ascertain its contents). Now, that is not to say all of your sentences were like that (clearly not if I’m taking the time to review this), but it’s definitely something to pay attention to. Second, I get the feeling that you’re dangerously close to turning this into a clichéd piece of art; when I first read about Henrick glancing at the hills outside of Ronzania, I instantly thought Luke Skywalker and a myriad of other fantasy characters that I once read. Third, I think you are giving Henrick too modern of a vocabulary; words like ‘lame’ ‘work-out’ ‘strength training’ and others ruin the feel of the work as a whole. Finally, I’m not so sure that this is a good idea for a first chapter; it’s a little eccentric – the first part of it with Henrick sleeping on the wall might work, but the random bout with the veterans seemed a little unnecessary, and it sort of looks like you were just striving for story length with that scene; maybe describe the ebb and flow of Ronzania and the Rore Empire some more. Taken as a whole, it was a pretty enjoyable read, and I hope you continue working on it.

Review by Carloginias

Article Section

BREAKING DOWN A VIDEO: theatroN's Scorched Earth Series

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

With the TWC video competitions up and running for a few months now, we have a clearer picture of who is out there, squirreling away with their video editors, making the next Avatar. A wealth of hidden talent has been found, and the TWC community at large has also discovered that TWC's videographers are an unusual bunch: we share everything (well, almost). These competitions are as much a forum for sharing ideas and techniques as anything else, where the votes don't count as much as the showcase.

And while the production of Total War machinima is nothing new, we are starting to see the cross-pollination of techniques. You can watch one video, and you may see the ways in which the author has been influenced by other TWC authors, sometimes down to the specific piece. Bad, you say? Not at all...it also allows us to quickly realize (like a slap in the face) when we are watching something truly original. And with that, I present to you Theatron's three-part NTW series "Scorched Earth", featuring Napoleon's little foray into Russia.

The videos:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

THE TOOLBOX
Theatron uses an array of tools mostly familiar to vid makers, such as a full version Fraps, Sony Vegas 6.0, Adobe After Effects (AE) CS4, Adobe Photoshop CS3 and VirtualDub. His top-notch video signatures display deep knowledge of the Adobe programs. VirtualDub is a progam often used as a "translator" between video editing programs, often normalizing the codecs and allowing for Vegas and AE to use the full benefits of the "lossless" clips created with FRAPS.

A quick look at Theatron's rig exposes the obsession and insanity that afflicts all vid makers. Overclocks and coolers abound, not to mention tonnes of HDD space. Of note is his audio setup (Bose surround system and Audigy 4 SC), which explains my popped eardrums. Very, very cool.

At the time of this writing, Theatron tells me that a new 5970 gfx card is on the way to replace his GTX285. Welcome to the asylum, Theatron

THEATRON'S "LOOK"
A few issues ago, I describes Naxzul's signature looks as a classic 1970s epic war pic shot on a smoky bright sunny day. Theatron's look is more contemporary. It isn't as stark and frenetic as Saving Private Ryan. It reminded me of a blend of "The Pacific" and old-school "Waterloo". Probably closest to "The Thin Red Line", with both the hand-held warble and poetic pacing that the music augments.

Theatron likely applies most of his effect in AE, increasing contrast, perhaps a screen or similar colour filter, and some glow. I suspect that the defocus touches, seen when the camera moves quickly or suddenly zooms, are applied in Vegas. Most of the effects effort, however, is put into Depth of Field.

DEPTH OF FIELD
Normally, with Depth of Field "on" in NTW, far away objects are blurred. In ETW, this effect was more pronounced. But in both games, this effect usually applies only to objects near horizon points. That distance blurring is not enough, on its own, to truly emulate the DoF you see in movies with real cameras. This is why you see DoF used liberally in the better Pics of the Week at TWC. In photoshop, this process involves masking, a technique where multiple (normally two, but sometimes more in more intricate pieces) layers are created. A section of picture is traced and pasted as a new layer. The remaining section is blurred (usually gaussian) and mildly colour corrected. The new layer is applied on top, and the eye is tricked into believing that the camera was applying all its focus to that one object/area.

While not exactly innovative in still pics, this technique is complicated and rarely seen in machinima production. Tools abound for doing the work, but it is not for the feint of heart because the time involved is staggering. With most DoF tools in video editors, almost every frame must be separately masked to do the job thoroughly. At 25 fps, five seconds of video can take up to 5 hours to mask!

There are a few corners that can (and for the sake of sanity) should be cut. There are quick-mask tools in Vegas and AE that can blur large chunks of video - a good work-around if the fore and backgrounds are fairly clearly delineated (not too many pesky muskets sticking up high in the air). As well, the masking tools allow for feathering, permitting the author to be a little less precise (and thus saving time) in masking. Regardless, there is no denying the time involved, and the dedication. Theatron applies "post-production" DoF throughout his videos, to our great benefit and entertainment. And his technique is excellent - if you weren't looking for it, you'd hardly notice it. What the average viewer is left with is a sense that "it looks real" without necessarily knowing why. As it should be - who wants to see the wizard behind the curtain all the time?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

As a side note, it should be remarked that Theatron applies his DoF in CS4, which does not have the benefit of Rotobrush, a CS5 innovation that greatly cuts down on the time required. All the more remarkable.

Theatron is not the first to use DoF in TW machinima (Megadorkuru, myself and a few others have been for some time), but his DoF work in the Scorched Earth series may be the most skillfully and thoroughly used.

COMMENTS AND CRITIQUE
Part 1
Alright, the wizard behind the curtain has been analysed, but what of the video itself? Let's take a look.

The video begins with a Theatron's "Revolutionary Studios" signature, an AE piece that is effective and usually produced after viewing one of the better AE video tutorials on the web. In the tutorial, however, the effect does not occur "under water", as Theatron's sig does, and does not explode at the end. A cool innovation of his.

Next, the simulated blowing snow around the text is another funky AE effect, and helps set the desolate tone for the series.

Unfortunately, the action begins with a sprite attack, seen at 0:39, and undermines a bit the quality of what we've seen so far, and what is to come. However, we are quickly rescued by a charge scene with good camera work, his signature DoF, and a wonderfully melancholic soundtrack from Letters from Iwo Jima. At 2:15, we are treated to some great DoF work where the shots are purposely interrupted by moving heads in the foreground.

Some audio goodies are used, such as at 2:29, with extra slicing noises and grunts in the hand-to-hand.

The effects suffer a bit from overuse of the quick defocus, as well as inconsistent framerates and reduced graphics in Part 1. Ironic then, that Part 1 contains my favourite shot in the whole series. I bring you - 4:12.

Slow motion, and a sound sickening thud, add to the visual impact of watching the artilleryman being shot in the stomach, then the neck. If Theatron isn't using some super-blood mod I've never seen, then I suspect the blood streams were added post-production. Either way, it is a stunning shot, and worth the price of admission alone. I'll guarantee you'll see this copied - alot.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Part II
The big map graphics and text are professional looking and add to the viewer's understand of what exactly is going on in the meta world. In general however, Part II suffers too much from low and inconsistent frame-rates, likely caused at their root by the greenery of the summer maps used (for vid makers, desert and winter are easiest on fps). The cavalry charge at 2:01 is plagued by low fps, but the infantry in the next clip has good fps. This kind of inconsistency is unfortunate - it undermines Theatron's excellent camera and effect work, which is better than in Part I.

Part II however, does bring an interesting goody. At 1:52, the zoom on the cannon is a technique we see all the time in big movies, but the first I've seen in TW machinima. It is achieved by combining in-game zoom with opposite post-production zoom. Very slick.

Part III
Visually, Part III is the prettiest of the series. The camera work is a little less pronounced, more subtle, and the video is better for it. Lingering shots, such as at 3:02, add to the drama.The framerates remain less than ideal, but are an improvement from Part II.

It is also apparent that Theatron uses a reduced-speed mod, common for people who find that the movement speed of troops in vanilla is a little too quick for strategic gameplay. However, in the post-production, this 15% or so difference in speed does not seem to be accounted for, and the infantry movements are a little slow for my taste.

CONCLUSION
In some ways, the Scorched Earth videos are frustrating to watch, and are a lesson in extremes. On the one hand, Theatron displays some of the best post-production skills of anyone at TWC. The DoF work, the camera goodies, the soundtrack choices (not over-the-top...deft use of slow music in high action sequences), and nobody can kill a Napoleonic-era soldier with his artistry. Theatron clearly has some audiophile in his bones: he has a good ear for sound effects, and he ensures the viewer is listening to the highest possible sound quality.

On the other hand, the inconsistent frame-rates and dips in graphic detail prevent this from being being a technical marvel. We have little build up to battles, few personal touches, and any underlying messages or pathos were not found by this reviewer (not to say they aren't there, but if there was intent, it missed my eye). The dramatic conclusion scene, with dead bodies and pans, comes too late. The series has a setting, but lacks a story - something I think is necessary to hold the attention of most viewers for 25 minutes.

All that said, it is without a doubt that with this series, Theatron has planted his flag on the landscape of TWC machinima artists. He is approachable, and generous with providing insight into his technique...excellent qualities, given that many of us will be looking for his advice (I know I already have). When his story-telling ability catches up with is technical skills, he will be a mighty force indeed. I eagerly await his next piece.

Additional Links:
theatroN's TWC Gallery
theatroN's Youtube page
Nanny's TWC Gallery and Vid Tech Help

Analysed By Nanny de Bodemloze

From the Editor's Desk

We write these reviews in order to help encourage people to go and explore story-making at TWC for themselves. So if, after reading some of our work, you feel impelled to roam the AAR forums, then we have succeeded.

Just in case you are either new to TWC, or haven't explored all the nooks and crannies, here are links to what I think are all the places you can find them...

If I have missed any forums with active AARs then please let me know and I'll put them in next time.

So, did you like the issue? If you did, then it must be something to do with my wonderful writers. If you liked a review, then please consider repping the reviewer, I have included a link to each at the end of their review for that purpose.

Anyway, I'd like to thank my writers for their hard work, so please join me in giving a big hand to Skantarios, Radzeer, Carloginias, Nanny de Bodemloze, la coupe est pleine, Calisthenis of Green Day and Mega Tortas De Bodemloze!

Would you like to write for the Quill? Just send me a PM. Even if you want to do something outside of our normal remit, I am still likely to be sympathetic (unless of course it falls under the remit of one of our sister publications). So don't delay, send that PM now.

Anyway, thank you for reading, and so, until next time, farewell!

Juvenal

If you find yourself at a loose end, then why not consider sampling some of the TWC publications or creative forums. It's easy, just click through the picture! (you may notice that we even have a picture for the Quill itself!)

**Radzeer** · January 02, 2011, 10:50 AM

Let me be the first to congratulate Juvenal and the rest of the team for this issue! Excellent job, everybody!

And I am truly honored by la coupe's review of the Chronicle of a Hungarian Freeman! I really liked the angles he picked for the review. It is always good to have others evaluating one's work, as it tremendously helps the writers improve.

**~~Shakespeare~~** · January 02, 2011, 12:55 PM

Agreed; good job, all!

**Maurits** · January 02, 2011, 12:57 PM

Good job team! I always enjoy reading your detailed analysis of others' (and one day maybe my own) work, it both inspires me and gives me tips to improve my own humble writings. Thank you all, keep up the good work!

**la coupe est pleine** · January 02, 2011, 02:39 PM

I really enjoyed to write that review, and I'm totally impressed by all the work done by the other writers.

This edition is great, with a special mention to the Video article, which is so interesting.

All my congratulations to you Juvenal, to the reviewers, writers, and readers.
Let's have some numerical drinks together

Chapeau bas messieurs

**StealthEvo** · January 02, 2011, 07:53 PM

Much Loveh.

May the Lazors be with you. BLARG!!!!!!!

**Narf** · January 03, 2011, 07:46 PM

Very nice. Thumbs up!

**Thokran** · January 04, 2011, 06:25 AM

Amazing job! I had not expected my story to be reviewed, much less in such great fashion. Stellar work as always, friends!

+rep to you all when I can!

**theatroN** · January 04, 2011, 06:27 AM

Great issue guys!

Love the breakdown of my vid. Awesome work!

+ rep to you all

**Encino_Man** · January 04, 2011, 05:03 PM

Originally Posted by Thokran

Amazing job! I had not expected my story to be reviewed, much less in such great fashion. Stellar work as always, friends!

+rep to you all when I can!

Haha you and me both! Very surprised by that message in my inbox I was. Critique is always welcome as long as it doesn't turn me green

I'm quite excited about it, and thanks for the review Carloginias. It's my second story so I have some ways to go but I'm glad you enjoyed reading it.

Quick thing though, you spelled Ronazia wrong, there's no 'z.'

Third, I think you are giving Henrick too modern of a vocabulary; words like ‘lame’ ‘work-out’ ‘strength training’ and others ruin the feel of the work as a whole.

Thanks for pointing this out to me. Just started reading "A Game of Thrones" and realized this point myself.

Second, I get the feeling that you’re dangerously close to turning this into a clichéd piece of art; when I first read about Henrick glancing at the hills outside of Ronzania, I instantly thought Luke Skywalker and a myriad of other fantasy characters that I once read.

I can understand that but that part really did happen, 8th floor of the library, a setting sun behind me, the hills were red, some birds flew up, and there are a lot of tall trees in the city. It's what inspired the story

. If any cliches come after well... I'll try and do my best to dodge them but we shall see.

Also he's not in the guard or military, he's just a regular on the observation area and has had a previous run-in with the unit currently stationed at the spot he frequents.

I have many more things to develop and learn to make the story's world believable, as well as writing a story in of itself. Plot, characters, technology, politics, everyday life, etc. I'm not sure where I'm going to take the story but it's no world epic adventure Henrick the Barbarian.

But again I must say, thank you for reading it and writing a review of it for the Quill which I've never read until now. And do not worry, I do plan on continuing the story.

Again, many thanks,

Kawaiku

**Captain Jin** · January 05, 2011, 10:04 AM

Wow thanks a lot for taking the time to actually go through my story and thoroughly review/critique. I'm trying to improve as a writer and it really helps getting this sort of feedback. I really appreciate it. Plus rep!

**~~The Emir~~** · January 05, 2011, 10:22 PM

Good read

**TheBard** · January 12, 2011, 11:22 AM

I want to thank Juvenal for the Quill, and Skantarios for the review! I'm honored that anyone even reads my AAR, let alone chose to write about it. The level of detail in the review is pretty amazing.

I'm also glad that Skantarios hinted at how much work editing the family tree is; it often takes me 3 or more hours to create both the full tree and the smaller sections that list the birth and death years of every character, as well as the reigning years for Kings. I'm not always sure it is worth the time, but it's actually my own personal favorite part of my AAR.

I know that the battle pictures are a weakness. One problem is that I'm playing on a laptop with marginal ability to play on medium-high graphics settings. The other problem is that I hate pausing the game in a middle of a battle! It disrupts the flow too much and probably gives me too much of an advantage. I've tried to compensate for the shaky graphics by keeping jpegs uncompressed.

I have taken to heart advice from several commenters, as well as Skantarios, and I've finally learned how to use spoiler tags. Hopefully that helps with the readability and speed.

I really appreciate the constructive criticism, Skantarios, and I'll be updating again soon!

**Juvenal** · January 14, 2011, 02:19 AM

It is great to see people posting their thoughts here. This is the feedback that we at the Quill need in order to be able to improve our publication and to make it more useful to the TWC writing community.

Please feel free to discuss our work, the work of the writers we have reviewed and anything constructive you have to contribute about the Critic's Quill itself.

Thank you everyone!

PS. If you want to look at back issue of the Quill, you will see them all from the forum above this one.

**ReD_OcToBeR** · January 19, 2011, 01:37 PM

It is always a good read, the ole' Quill. It always brings anyone up to date on whats being done great in the Writer's Study. Great Work.

**E.K** · January 25, 2011, 04:29 PM

Excellent issue. A quality read.

Thread: The Critic's Quill: Issue 23

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