Morality and Love Triangles

[Elfdude]

How do you choose between decisions to make when no matter the option it isn't acceptable? My morality has long been guided through a logic that was so crystal clear that I've never had difficulty deciding how to act and what to do. However the concept of a love triangle, or even square or whatever shape you want to think about has thrown me for a loop.

Person A proposes to the Love Interest that they are interested in them. Person A and the love interest have been friends for many years, they have grown close but despite the Love Interest's best attempts Person A has always avoided a romantic relationship. Now the love interest would have little difficulty deciding if Person A was the only person to to suggest a romantic relationship.

Person B has had an interest in the Love interest for quite some time, in response to Person A's declaration person B also makes a declaration of their feelings. The Love Interest has been there for person B in times of hardship and gradually restored person B's optimism and happiness perhaps even stronger than before.

Person C makes no declaration however their interest in the Love Interest has been apparent for some time. Person C is a shy inhibited person but the Love Interest has a knack at seeing through this and offering them what they desire. Person C grows depressed at the declarations of the other two although it's clear that they were it not for their fears want to be with the Love Interest too. Worse all 3 are part of the same peer group and friends with each other as well.

Now here's the conflict. The love interest's only motivation in helping these 3 people has always been their friendship and happiness. While his relationship with person A has history to it, the depth of the relationship is about equal to the depth of the relationships with the other two. Each of the three are attractive, intelligent and have a depth of character that interests the Love Interest. More importantly the Love Interest's motivation to keep everyone happy is still present. Is there any possible way to make them all happy without hurting any of them?

No matter what I try, the solution to this seems completely obscured. Personal tastes aside I don't know if there's a legitimate way for the Love Interest to choose between any of the three. Over and over I turn to the idea of polygamy and immediately turn away. Does anyone else see a solution to this moral problem?

Essentially what's the solution to to a love triangle in which each person is about equal.

[Biggreenfellow]

I'd never date someone in my circle of close friends. More often then not, it sparks jealousy, rivalry and bad vibes, not to mention the fact that if it doesn't work out, it often means the end of the circle. I've seen it happen a lot, and it's just not worth the risk.

But I've always felt strongly about the 'homies before ho's' sentiment; for me, friendship is more important for a happy life then a relationship.

PS I reserve the right to completely contradict myself if I ever do happen to run across someone I fall madly in love with. As of yet, this has never happened.

[Khassaki]

Love is not equal. Love is not quantifiable. Love is not rational.

Love triangles will usually devolve into a couple and close friend, unless all 3 are the same sex, in which all bets are off.

[SigniferOne]

What you're discussing is so unhealthy and so outside the normal bounds of human relationships, that I don't think a person would likely have anything substantive to say to you on the matter. Generally what Khassaki said is right, that a love triangle among heterosexual people just devolves into a couple with the third person staying on as a friend or leaving altogether. But even that is unlikely to apply here. The very fact that you've been seriously attracted to polygamy, possibly even homosexual polygamy from the looks of it, shows how little regard is had for normal human relationships by you, and so there's little that can be said by us on this issue.

[Tuor]

What you're discussing is so unhealthy and so outside the normal bounds of human relationships, that I don't think a person would likely have anything substantive to say to you on the matter. Generally what Khassaki said is right, that a love triangle among heterosexual people just devolves into a couple with the third person staying on as a friend or leaving altogether. But even that is unlikely to apply here. The very fact that you've been seriously attracted to polygamy, possibly even homosexual polygamy from the looks of it, shows how little regard is had for normal human relationships by you, and so there's little that can be said by us on this issue.

Just because polygamy isn't normal in Westernized countries doesn't make it so globally. You're enculturated to think that. Also, how did you come up with "homosexual polygamy" out of what he wrote? Even if "homosexual polygamy" was something that elfdude was contemplating, I do not wish to be included in the "us". I can say quite a lot about this issue, regardless of the content. Just because I might disagree with it morally does not mean that I have to say, "Well, I disagree with this, so there's nothing to talk about here."

elfdude, the only thing that I can suggest is that the love interest have a chat with all three persons. If they are intelligent like you said, they may be able to come up with a way to work it all out that doesn't harm their emotions. Their input is necessary to a degree. That, or the love interest might take turns with the relationships. I know that sounds a bit odd, but I had two friends in high school that dated knowing that their relationship was only superficial at the most and that it would be broken up upon graduation. It was for "fun" (not sex, either). Dating is a period of testing for a couple, so the love interest could set a certain amount of time to be with each person. I'm merely contemplating here, though. That could end up badly, too.

[chriscase]

What you're discussing is so unhealthy and so outside the normal bounds of human relationships, that I don't think a person would likely have anything substantive to say to you on the matter. Generally what Khassaki said is right, that a love triangle among heterosexual people just devolves into a couple with the third person staying on as a friend or leaving altogether. But even that is unlikely to apply here. The very fact that you've been seriously attracted to polygamy, possibly even homosexual polygamy from the looks of it, shows how little regard is had for normal human relationships by you, and so there's little that can be said by us on this issue.

This is about what I'd expect from you, Sig. Arranged marriages all around, eh?

OP,
What you are describing is not really a classic triangle, but something a lot less common. I suspect "the love interest" will find that the dynamic tends to devolve into a combination of triangles and diads rather than staying in (if it ever really was) a four-person configuration. Three people attracted to the same individual will tend to attract another person or break into smaller units. At least that's my experience.

If this is really an advice thread, my advice is to forget about the romance angle for a while and ask yourself if you are each of these people's friend. If you are a friend, ask how a friend - someone who truly cares for that person's well-being - would act.

Edit: Also, if we are talking about one guy and three women here, don't be too surprised if the women take matters into their own hands and work out whatever arrangement they think is best. So unless you have a stroke of brilliance and the fortitude to make it stick, I wouldn't go doing anything that you're going to regret later. As long as you have acted with genuine integrity toward each of these women, whatever they decide to do shouldn't throw you for too much of a loop.

[Amorphos]

If the love interest has true love feelings for any of the three, then that will win through. Usually there is a process involved where at first there is no love as such but the early buds of it, and the person with the choices will go around all three options until one stands out amongst the others. Sometimes they will swap around even on an intimate level but as they do pressures will arise for them to make the choice ~ some will feel hurt and let down etc. more often than not one person will gain a [perceived] second love interest to force the issue and be rejected or accepted.

There are many reasons why one may be picked over another, but generally I would step right out of the situation as they nearly always get messy [not in a good way]. There will always arise 1 on 1 situations where the option is to take or not to take and without all the confusion.

[Col. Tartleton]

Just think: What would Wilt do?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Sex them all and jump out of a sinking ship.

[Elfdude]

Naw, this isn't personal advice. It's more a theoretical observation of love triangles. I'd never honestly factored their possibilities in.

[CamilleBonparte]

Seems straightforward to me. If the LI has only ever been interested in being friends there's no reason for them to change that up and choose one as a romantic partner. Unless I'm misunderstanding the situation here.

[chriscase]

Naw, this isn't personal advice. It's more a theoretical observation of love triangles. I'd never honestly factored their possibilities in.

But what you are describing isn't really a love triangle. It's got 4 people in it.

[Elfdude]

I thought it complicated things a bit. If one person says after the second one then maybe you can still factor it in but when you add a third person who doesn't speak up but it's been clear what their interest is it confuses things again.

[Viking Prince]

It is normal for the love interest to have suitors. It is also reasonable for the love interest to not wish to harm any relationship. The process will continue until it is obvious to the love interest that there is an obvious decison to be made. Time will work this out. Perhaps a suitor or two will discover a new love interest and solve the problem for the LI. The only real danger is to force a solution on the problem rather than let time play a factor.

[Poach]

It would seem, Elfdude, you have created an impossible situation. One person has 3 suitors, and all 4 are friends.

To pick any of the three would destroy the group, as the 2 failed suitors would be bitter towards the third and the love interest also.

It would seem the least damaging option would be to state to all three, at once, that his only interest is friendship and that, for the good of the group, he cannot be with any of them for the sake of the rest.

[Sir Winston Churchill]

Polygamy. Solves all love triangles/squares and if everyone can agree on it it stays moral.

[Himster]

Polygamy is having one wife too many, monogamy is the same.

[Biggreenfellow]

Hookers. Solves all pairs, squares, circles and/or other geometrically shaped relationships, and if all parties can agree on it, it stays moral.

[The spartan]

Love is inherently illogical and emotionally driven. Your first issue in solving this conundrum is that you are trying to apply a logical decision to the issue.

[Elfdude]

Love is inherently illogical and emotionally driven. Your first issue in solving this conundrum is that you are trying to apply a logical decision to the issue.

Is it possible in your mind to fall in love with more than one person?

[Himster]

Love is inherently illogical and emotionally driven. Your first issue in solving this conundrum is that you are trying to apply a logical decision to the issue.

Yup, love is inherently illogical and emotionally driven, and occasionally love (or what we percieve as love) leads us down paths that are not social norms in our individual cultures. In these cases the issue has to be carefully considered logically so as to avoid social stigma and persecution (or even murdered, in some cultures).